The First Time Pt. 04

A gay story: The First Time Pt. 04 This took awhile to write as the ending, for me, had to feel right. Many thanks to Kenjisato for editing this story. Your suggestions were greatly appreciated.

The First Time Pt. 04

Hold on tight

Hold on tight

Ride, ride

I’m a motorbike

Ride, ride

I’m a motorbike

Sheep on Drugs, Motorbike

Truthfully, I was in a kind of daze as Mike took my hand gently, leading me, softly, guiding me to the bedroom – the bedroom where it all first happened. Yes, the adrenaline rush was fading, but the truth was, my heart was beating so hard it didn’t stop me. I knew what I was being led to.

The enemy of fear… is panic.

I recalled him saying that, but oddly, I didn’t feel fear, not really. What I felt was an overwhelming feeling of acceptance. Initially, I felt as if I was returning to the scene of a dream. The towel, wrapped ’round me, his hand on my back, rubbing as if he had all the time in the world. What I felt was that he wouldn’t take advantage of me, or at least take advantage of me in a bad way. I felt safe. I didn’t feel forced. I felt his patience. I was still shocked, you have to understand that, but I enjoyed being led, it made me feel respected and admired – it drew out of me something that no one else had tapped into before. I looked down and across at the plug bulging in the pocket of his dressing gown, trepidation and doubt gnawing at me.

When we entered the bedroom, he lifted the towel up at the back, baring my behind, which made me laugh a little, as I tried to pull it back down, almost embarrassed, but also loving that weird, playful affection.

Mike laughed gently as he eased his palm against a cheek, then patted my ass softly – the patting increasing in the intensity. Then he cupped my ass, firmly, which made me blush a little with nervous energy. I could feel his hand almost gripping as he continued to roll my ass cheek in the palm of his hand, his thumb gently slipping across my bum, as if he owned me.

“I do love your cheeky ass,” he said, almost announcing it.

I could not believe I was still hard. I couldn’t believe I had come but not ejaculated. And it felt different, too, in a weird way – it had felt almost unexpected, almost as if I caught myself off guard. Sure, I felt it building inside; sure, I knew I was coming, but it felt quite scary at first, not only because I knew I wasn’t actually ejaculating, but because I had already surrendered and given in. But what really made me uneasy, was how I felt.

I felt inexplicably hard. That kind of hard where you would do anything to sate it, because you simply have to, because you need to.

I picked up a spare towel, trying to cover the shaking in my hands, as the feeling felt like it was consuming me, leaving no escape. Have you ever dried yourself when you’re hard? It’s fucking awkward, and looks bloody stupid. What made it worse was he watched me intently, watching me as he opened his bathrobe, him hard as well, watching me blatantly look at him. He laughed softly at my shameless gazing, smiling, as he placed his bathrobe down to pick up a towel, and my embarrassment rose as I watched his cock swaying, metronomically as he dried himself.

Strangely, him drying himself while hard did not look stupid; in fact, it looked extremely erotic, at least to me. How could it not? He was a man, okay in his early thirties, but that just made him experienced in my eyes because he was older. I couldn’t stop staring. God, he was so confident. I watched him slide the towel over himself, through his hair, across his torso and thighs, unashamed of his feelings for me, his eyes occasionally flicking up to pierce into mine. Unashamed that my body turned him on. Unashamed of what he wanted to do to me.

Steve, I want to fuck you.

I looked at him, thick and hard, thinking, he wants me, he wants to fuck me. And even though I felt thrilled, excited at that blatant display, even more so, because the whole thing turned me on terribly, I tried to bury my emotions. I felt guilty that I couldn’t stop looking at him, at his cock, but he made me feel so wanted, so desired, I couldn’t help but look. Yes, I could see his eyes as he drew closer, they were focused on mine, knowing damn well I couldn’t stop looking. At him. At his cock. Thinking of the things he could do to me, things I somehow wanted, but there was something holding me back from saying it. Something that made my breath shorter. Faster.

I was ashamed.

They say it hurts the first time. But how can it if his fingers felt so good, there?

His step closer to me made me feel small and yet I still felt safe. The caress of my bottom brought forth a subtle appreciating groan from him as he firmly cupped a cheek. His lips crinkled up in the corner into a knowing smile, making me look down, at his cock. Hard. Mike playfully slapped my bottom this time, as he caught me looking, interrupting everything.

He stepped back, then opened the wardrobe and handed me a white bathrobe.

“I have forgotten something. I’ll be back in a few moments.”

He walked casually out of the room, naked, as I stared at this man walking so brazenly in a situation, where I felt on edge. I watched him walk out, staring at his ass as he picked up his bathrobe, him so bold, confident; me taking the opportunity to dry myself fully and put on the robe, while he was away.

And there, I didn’t quite know what to do. I looked up, seeing myself in the free-standing mirror, just to the left of the door. I honestly couldn’t almost look at myself, but I did. The reflection showed my apprehension, fear and yet, my reflection haunted me as I saw I wanted him. I sat down as I heard him returning, looking at me gently as he closed the bedroom door, his back against the door, casually leaning against it, just simply looking at me with his hands in his red dressing gown. I sat there, on the edge of the bed, unsure of what I should do, the apprehension inside me building. I had to look down slightly, at the knot on my robe, because all of my decisions these last few weeks had led me to this moment.

“What are you thinking?” he asked, gently.

I sat for a brief second, for what seemed like a lifetime, the fact I was saying nothing, it building inside me, the silence around us unsettling me. It felt awkward but exciting at the same time. He flicked off the light, the room seemed smaller suddenly, it was still lit by the bedside lights, but it retreated into a soft illumination.

“I…” I paused, realizing my voice was trembling, my mouth dry. I swallowed hard as he smiled softly, taking a step towards me. “I, uh, I don’t know what to do.”

Again he just drank me in, his eyes focused on me attentively. He took another small measured step towards me, as his voice lowered to a faint whisper.

“I think you do…” He watched me, as he said it, his eyes focused on me as the nerves and doubts played on my mind. “I know you do,” Mike said softly.

Again, he stepped closer, this time two steps, almost up close to me. Slowly, his hand moved to my bathrobe and slipped it off of my right knee; his eyes momentarily flicking down then immediately back up to meet mine. The stare was gentle but firm, as he hooked a thumb into the tie of his own gown and pulled, opening it, tassels dangling at the sides and letting me glimpse his semi-hard cock.

“I think, you’re just scared to say it.”

I could feel my heart thumping as he took that final half-step, so close to me, as he placed his hands on the gown covering my other knee, his own cock rising with desire. He looked down at my gown’s knot and smiled gently.

“You are a little scared, aren’t you?”

I nodded at that because it was the truth and I couldn’t deny it. Mike placed his hand on my other knee, carefully slipping the bathrobe off of it with an appreciative smile, as I looked down seeing him acknowledge the knot. Mike’s eyes flicked back up to look at me.

“You had the confidence to come here. Why don’t you tell me what you’re scared to say?” He stood there, in front of me, as he hooked a finger into the knot of my gown.

Ashamed he’d used me the way he had, ashamed I had enjoyed it, I sat there chewing my lip nervously. I watched, transfixed, as his finger pulled gently on the knot and I couldn’t help but look up at him, almost shaking my head slightly, as I eased my sweaty hands back onto the bed, palms down, leaning back slightly. I tried to look up at him, intentionally playing the shy side for all it was worth, because it made sense, because it wasn’t an act— but I could only do it for a brief moment before it consumed me. I had to look back down, to see his cock hard for me, and down to the knot of my gown, which was rapidly opening. The ties of the gown slipped softly through the hoops, as the gown became loose, and the middle gently began to open a little.

“Tell me,” he said softly.

I looked up at him as he looked down at me, and I saw he was smiling. That smile, he held it for a moment, studying me as he threw the tie onto the floor.

Would you like to be told what to do? Would that make it easier?

I sat there, hearing it again.

“You like it when I’m hard for you, don’t you, Steve?” Mike said in a manner like it was a sudden revelation.

He knew damn well it did. I couldn’t help but smirk at his playful manner; my smirk formed from a soft, sort-of-nervous, sexual energy, as the pieces came together. I watched Mike’s hands move to the collar of my dressing gown, adjusting it, making me look down as the middle parted further and opened just that little more. I looked up at him, following the path he laid out, nodding.

Take my hand.

“Just say it,” he said, as he stroked my cheek with the other hand, his eyes fixated on me, his thumb caressing my jaw playfully. “We’ve got all night.”

I sat there, feeling very vulnerable. Feeling out of sorts. Disjointed. And yet? I was aroused. I couldn’t speak. I tried swallowing to ease the tension in my throat, to remove that dry feeling. He continued with a whisper.

“Tell me what scares you, Steve.” It was a question, but it was also a delicate command. A command I could either obey or ignore. But I knew it was only a matter of time before I gave in. I had already given in so much, I couldn’t hide it any more. I was tired of fighting, of running, of hiding.

I would never hurt you.

I looked down at his cock, it was almost fully hard, remembering the joy I got with it in my mouth. The feeling of helplessness when he used his fingers on me, even inside me. And that dry orgasm! Jesus. I looked up at him, everything that I had thought of for the last few weeks was here. It was the moment.

“I can’t stop myself,” I said, after a moment, ashamed I had almost been forced to admit it. But there, right then, it made sense to call him something else; it made it easier somehow. The gentle guiding nature. The patience. One who could show me, but I didn’t say it fully. “I can’t.”

Mike smiled at my response as he continued to stroke my cheek, my gown opening just the little bit more as he played with it, with me, gently. Carefully, his hand slipped inside as the gown opened that little bit more, curling around my cock. The touch was light and gentle and that’s when I felt rewarded.

“This beautiful cock, Steve. You’re all desperately hard, young man.”

I groaned, softly, knowing the words, knowing what to say, but scared. I’d thought about it for weeks. But here, feeling everything that was going on, it made sense to say it. I was alone, alone with someone who could show me, who wasn’t going to judge me. A man who wanted to teach me.

“What can’t you stop, baby?” The emphasis of that first word was almost a demand for me to tell him. I couldn’t help myself as I obeyed.

“…Thinking of your cock.”

“Why is that?”

His touch continued to tease me – or coax it out of me. I closed my eyes, trying to regain some kind of control of my breathing because I was ashamedly turned on. I was shaking – trembling even – my chest almost raggedly heaving. I shook my head slowly, fighting it for the last time, feeling that fight evaporate. I could feel tears welling in my eyes as my hands gripped the sheets, scrunching them firmly in between my fingers; wringing them for strength.

“I like…” I lowered my head to watch him, stroking me under the gown, his hand trailing up and down as I groaned. “I like the way it makes me feel.”

He nodded at that, but smirked. “You’ve told me that, do you remember?”

I nodded, recalling what I had said to him when I was drunk the other weekend. I swallowed hard. The light stroking was almost crippling me, but it felt like his grip was firmer. I couldn’t help myself, as I closed my eyes as I slipped my arms down, resting on my elbows and looking up at him.

It’s natural to be scared.

“I’ve thought about it inside me.” I looked up at Mike as he patiently waited, stroking my cheek, his fingers sliding up and down my neck, occasionally, easing the collar open more.

“Inside you?” Mike enquired, feigning a little shock.

I nodded, with a soft smirk. “In my ass…” I swallowed hard, the admission not complete. “Fucking me…”

His smile rose at that, and especially, his keen eyes felt like sunshine on my skin as the gown opened just a bit more.

“And how would you like that sexy, beautiful ass to be fucked, Steve?”

I was losing control of my breathing. But his gentleness, his patience, and that praise made me let him. It was as if someone pushed things out the way and made room for it. But right there, it was him that made the room. For me.

“Gently?” he enquired, almost playfully. That smile, that knowing smirk, was terribly exciting. Yeah, and the hand on my cock, teasing was guiding me.

“Gently,” I said nodding, blinking as the tears almost built up in my eyes. I whispered it softly, again, almost trying to convince myself. “Gently.” I took a very deep breath, sweat almost on my brow, looking at him, the shame evaporating, the trembling taking hold as my hands gripped the sheets for strength.

I felt the gown open as I stared at him, it easing off of me. The stroking was a lot firmer suddenly, as he eased me back, his body softly resting on top of me. I felt my elbows give way and I felt powerless as his mouth found my neck, as I let go.

“Gently it is, then…” His kisses got more hungry, more intense. But in between those kisses, he breathed in my ear. It was full of dark carnal desire. “…At first.”

Mike’s hands were on my face, on my body as he kissed me. I couldn’t help but respond. I couldn’t fight it anymore. I was tired. I was caught.

Helpless.

“I’m gentle…” I could feel his weight pressing on me as his hands reached around and under to cup my ass, gripping a little harder and more firmly than he had done previously. And I felt him, rock hard against my own urgently needing cock, softly rolling his hips as he ground against me. “…Until you’re ready.”

I took it for what it was — he owned me and I realised that right there, right then, that he could do anything, and I also realised, horrifyingly, I was powerless to stop him. Because I didn’t want him to.

“I can be gentle, until you tell me what you need me to do.”

I was aware of my state of arousal, as his hungry mouth raked with firm kisses on my neck. My robe was being ushered down off my shoulders rather quickly by his firm hands. Turning my head to the side, I simply let him, then tilted my head towards my abdomen, watching him grind that thick and hard, ravenous cock of his against my own. His foreskin was leaking and greasing back and forth. In that moment, I felt lost, my shaking hands reaching up and curling around Mike’s back, shamelessly wanting him. I was almost hugging him, desperately turned on and hopelessly grinding my hips back at him, enjoying that feeling as our urgent cocks caressed each other.

“Do you want me to fuck you like this?”

I felt the rush of shame flushing on my face. I looked up at him, me swallowing with trepidation, shame and fear, trying to lock it away, to hide it. On my back? Looking at him? I closed my eyes, my mouth dry, almost unable to speak; the only sounds I made were my urgent, shameless whimpers and groans.

I can’t. I shouldn’t.

I let Mike tease me as he pleasured himself against me, his hardness and desire making me enjoy it even more. I could hear his ragged growls in my ear as I felt his hand slide up from where he was firmly gripping my ass, to my back, shifting his weight on me, overwhelming me.

Then he was rolling me onto my front. It wasn’t rough. It was controlled. The firm hands guiding me, making me, and the most terrifying part was that I let him. The dressing gown slipped off of me quickly, leaving me naked as I heard it softly crumple on the floor. I felt his hand, on the back of my thigh – sliding up, moving my knee out to the side, as I realised my ass was pointing straight at him. Slipping up my thigh, I felt his hands cup my ass cheeks and firmly squeeze, but gently push them apart. Then Mike’s thumbs eased between the crevice of my ass, moving them up and down until he stopped and softly began to rub my sphincter. Again, his thumbs then gently pulled my cheeks apart, making me groan at the sensation of my hole being stretched. He began to manipulate my ass, his thumbs changing the angle, only to reapply in a slightly different line. Again he pulled, gently moving behind me while alternating the placement of his thumbs.

“Then… I’ll get you ready.”

The sensation of his breath, touching me intimately, cascading between my cheeks, I knew what he was going to do. I knew it when I heard that intake of breath, because I did it, too. I gripped the sheets, not knowing how it was going to feel, lifting my hips and tilting them a little, almost begging. But then I felt it. That semi-hard, wet tongue, wriggling and probing. Exploring and searching. I groaned uncontrollably, gripping the sheets even harder when I felt the sudden pleasure.

“Oh god, please don’t…” The Thing in me begged him shamelessly, as his tongue trailed up and down, slithering lightly. A firm hand eased onto my thigh, suggestively moving my leg up a little, guiding me. Making me.

“Bring the knee up to your chest, Steve.” A wet finger slowly circled my sphincter as he said it, feeling his breath there.

Groaning, I obeyed, slowly bringing my knee out and up, but he pushed my thigh up higher as my knee almost touched my shoulder.

I could feel his hands spread them, a little more firmly, as his thumbs slid down the clefts of my ass again and pushed them apart. Mike’s thumbs eased up against my sphincter and slowly stretched it again and again. His tongue returned with a more firmer approach. Stabbing. Licking. Pressing right up against me, simply pushing in and out of me and to the sides rapidly.

I couldn’t help but push back against him. I tried to keep my moaning in check, but in truth, it simply escaped from me. I knew the Thing inside me was loving it. I couldn’t fight it, it just felt that good.

I felt his arms slip under my thighs, his hands easing up my sides to reach across and interlink his fingers across my back. As his tongue slid and probed me, I heard his muffled groans. He seemed to pull my ass to him, more firmly this time, holding me firmly in place. I looked up – seeing the mirror beside the closed door, seeing myself. Ass tilted up, his nose on the top of my ass – face buried, eyes closed. Tonguing me. Savoring me. He groaned harder, his hips swiveling as he ground the bed, repeatedly faster and faster. My mind was in a shameless state between his attentive tongue and his groans of desire. I closed my eyes, trying not to see it, as I gripped the sheets, but I did — even when I closed my eyes. Even though I heard my moans, as effeminate as they were, I couldn’t stop them. I pictured him fucking me as I eased my hips up, riding his tongue as my cock caressed the bed in tandem with him, dribbling with urgency and need.

The incessant rolls and laps of his tongue were unbelievable. The sensation, the touch and feel, in an area that had never felt that intimate touch. The tongue was pressing firmly, rolling, licking and stabbing quickly. One hand had slipped from my back and I heard him flip something open and within a few moments, his tongue lapped slowly then stopped, as I felt something cold but slick against me.

“I’m gonna use the plug, Steve. It’s lubed up, so just relax…”

I barely had a second to respond as I felt it press. Deftly he pressed, testing me, a thumb in the crevice of my bottom, gripping my ass and stretching it even further. The Thing moaned from inside me as I felt it ease me open. Easing back, I felt my ass tighten again at the coldness of the plug and that was when he pressed once more. Slowly, he carefully opened me, making me accept the plug – taking it more and more as he eased it back and forth. It soon reached a point, where I felt stretched, much like his fingers had done previously, but this time, I was stretching further and further than I had experienced before.

“Sexy inviting ass…” he said softly, but I heard his dark desire as he kissed a cheek persuading my ass. “So smooth, so soft.”

I groaned, trying to muffle the Thing inside me, trying to hide it, but I couldn’t do it for long because I felt it invade even further and my sphincter stretched around the widest part. I could feel and hear my own breath, short and shallow, as it stretched me more and more.

I can’t. I can’t.

“I know you can. Trust me,” Mike said, gruffly this time, as he kissed the other cheek. “You’re going to do as I say tonight. You like that, don’t you?”

Yes.

The nervous sweat on my hand seeped into the sheet as I gripped it tightly. Tactfully, he eased it back and forth a few times before easing it in more, which caused me to whimper. I won’t lie to you, my mind whirled as my ass widened to take it because I didn’t think I could. The deep moan that escaped from my lungs wasn’t me as my sphincter stretched, as I let him and then it slowly shrunk around the base with the oddest feeling.

I shivered and moaned uncontrollably for a moment, the overstretching sensation diminishing, feeling it taking over me. But it wasn’t just that – it was the way it felt. I shifted gently, rolling my hips acclimatizing to it.

I felt full. Full, inside my ass.

I felt his grip on the base of the plug pull it for a second, which made me whimper. The stretching was increasing again. Mike’s hand eased onto my back, rubbing as he continued to ease the plug back and forth slightly. He’d ease it out, stretch me and then let my hole enclose around it again and again, repeatedly.

“I’m not going to fuck you,” he said, with a gentle tone. I wriggled my ass, the Thing trying to entice him, to make him. “You’re the one who will fuck me, Steve.” I felt a sudden slap on my ass, it wasn’t firm but it had purpose. I barely had a second to respond to it as the other cheek was struck, but I did with a sound I had never made. “Red cheeks look far more inviting.”

My eyes were closed as I grimaced, my hands and fingers gripping the sheet, frozen by the change of dimension. I gasped a few times, taking in gasping breaths trying to calm my fears, trying not to panic, but the truth was – he had me and he knew it. He could do anything.

“Stroke me, baby.”

My wind whirled as he had slapped my ass, feeling the sting and the slight pain built on it. But the term ‘baby’ just made me – made me feel wanted.

“Stroke me,” his tone was commanding me. My hand trembled with all that was going on, as I reached out to grasp at his cock, feeling it in my hand as my other gripped the sheets tighter – I felt him hard in my palm as I began to slide my hand up and down it, lightly, desperate to please him. I felt his hand rub my back as if soothing me, but then it moved to my ass. At first, I thought he was going to spank me again and braced myself, but I still felt his thumb gripping and pulling a cheek apart. I felt the plug ease out slightly, stretching me and then he slowly let it slide back in.

“Tighten your hand on my cock. I want to think I’m there – I want you to think I’m there. Show me.”

Show me.

It echoed in my mind as the plug eased back in, my ass tightening around it again only for him to ease it back out, slowly. Tighter, my hand gripped the sheets and his cock, praising me with his audible highlighted breaths of desire. I groaned at the pleasure as my hand pumped his cock slowly, almost in time with the way he toyed with my ass as the pleasure inside me increased. Slowly, he eased it out and let it slide in. Every time it went in or eased out, I moaned, moaned like a slut – but I couldn’t help it. He made me.

It shouldn’t feel like this, it shouldn’t feel this good. It shouldn’t.

I felt his cock slide from my grip as he shuffled around on the bed, moving behind me. I was aware of it, but the sensations he made me feel had me almost unaware of anything else. I simply moved my hand to steady myself – on my front, using my arms to push myself up from the bed on all fours – almost delirious. My cock dribbled pre-come. My lips, my throat were dry, breathing hard and moaning as his free hand stroked my back gently, feeling my own sweat gliding on the back of his palm.

“You look ready… You feel ready. Your ass looks and feels so good, Steve.”

I was faintly aware, in amongst all of this, of his cock touching my ass, his cock sliding against my cheek. His groan was full of admiration as I felt him rub it against me, grinding. The intensity was building inside both of us. And yet – it pleased me – it pleased me that he was hard, that he desired me even like this.

He rubbed my back, almost as if soothing me as I felt him hold the plug and pull slowly. Gently, it reached that point where the stretching was almost too much as my hands climbed the rails and frame of the bed, gripping the bed frame’s top rail tightly, as I exhaled harder and harder, gasping, wringing them for strength. I moaned desperately almost at a limit I had found, eyes closed tightly. Then suddenly, it was gone, shaking, exhaling raggedly, it easing out of me slowly – retreating as my sphincter closed around the withdrawing tip. I shook as the feeling left me.

I felt empty.

“Say it.”

I want it in me.

Again, he gripped my cheek, stretching me harder and firmer this time as his cock ground my ass cheek again. God, his cock felt so hard and hot against my cheek as he continued to grind it. My knuckles blanched white as they tightened on the rail.

“Say it with pride, baby…”

Fuck me.

My mind reeled at the thought – yes, I had thought about it – even touched myself at the thought, but this wasn’t fantasy – this was reality. I heard rustling, knowing he was opening a condom; shaking and trembling, I turned my head seeing him roll it on, stroking it down his shaft. I saw him pick up a tube, squirting it out onto his palm, rubbing it up and down his cock; within seconds, it glistened.

He caught me looking and just stared right back at me. I could swear I saw him nod, grinning and then patted my ass a little, which made me squirm with sexual desire, the desire to please. But his expression was full of desire and of admiration, as he looked at me. I was almost in a daze. So turned on, somehow – not quite here and not quite there. The pain and the pleasure I had felt with his fingers, the plug gnawed at me and drove me.

Fuck me.

Mike moved behind me as I watched over my shoulder, his cock in his hand, lowering it. I saw him look at me as I initially watched it meet between my cheeks, then looked at him as I felt the tip touch my ass, between my cheeks there, as he leaned over me from behind, his hands easing over mine on the rail. Feeling the pressure ease against me, I turned my face to the wall. Mike flexed his fingers as they interlocked over mine. His lips were near my ear as he whispered.

“What do you want in you? Say it…”

I want it in me. Fuck me.

“You gotta say it like you mean it…” His voice was gruff and I could hear the desire in his tone. “Push back and say it…”

I felt the pressure on my hole as he nibbled my ear, breathing hard. It trickled down my neck as I felt his chest on my back. I moaned hard, as I tried to push back, my ass easing over the head, stretching and then closing around the ridge. I held there, gasping softly, rocking my hips, swaying a little, acclimatizing to feeling his chest rising and falling against my back.

Fill me with it.

“Push back, Steve,” Mike whispered in my ear, lips trailing my ear lightly. “I know you can take it.” He breathed hard as I eased forwards tentatively and back, rocking against the ridge. “Show me.” I felt one of his hands leave mine, from the rail and lift my chin a hand, almost on my throat. My head was turned up sideways to his. He looked at me firmly, shaking his head.

“I’m so fucking hard, Steve. Don’t make me, baby. Not yet.” He didn’t whisper this time, he said it firmly, shaking his head gently at me. His eyes told me, his desire demanded me, and his tone commanded me. His hand over mine on the rail tightened as I eased back a little. “That’s it. Show me.”

Looking at him, I couldn’t help but moan as I tried to push back. He nodded at me as if affirming, staring right back at me – into my eyes. He mouthed, Good, show me, groaning back at me as his eyes focused on mine. Then I saw him look down, between my cheeks, obviously watching his cock in me as he closed his eyes briefly, softly groaning. Opening his eyes, they found mine, silently guiding me.

Fuck me.

His hand on mine again flexed and tightened, almost reassuring me, but it gently rocked the head-rail a little. He looked back up at me as his fingers softly motioned the bed frame. It caused small, subtle movements on the frame, on the bed, a little more than my cautious motions were making me take. I eased back and forth gently, taking more, little by little. His cock seemed to get bigger, making me feel that exquisite stretching feeling – the full feeling – it just kept growing and growing inside me as his cock went deeper and deeper into me.

Oh god, it feels…

“Beautiful – you’re fucking beautiful.” The words, the way he said it made it sound sincere. “Give me that beautiful ass. You moan so sexy.”

I was moaning louder and louder, afraid people might hear – although we were alone. Somewhere inside me, I was ashamed of my effeminate moans, but it didn’t stop me. He kissed me slowly and passionately – holding my neck in place. As I eased back and forth slowly, gingerly, his girth stretching me – slowly trying to fuck his cock even as he silenced my moans with his kisses. I was almost crying as he rolled his hips a little, shifting the position and angle a little. Easing back, I felt that blissful pleasure as I eased back more and more. Yes, there was an uncomfortable feeling, but the pleasure was overriding that. The feeling of fullness increased the pleasure.

It feels right. It just feels right!

I felt his hips roll again, this time with a subtle thrust, the movement making me take a little more than I was at that point – starting to fill me, testing me. The sudden thrust pushed almost a slut’s-muffled cry from me into his mouth as his kisses began to get harder, silencing anything I said. The sensation of it easing back out made me take deeper breaths, almost panting between his kisses. My guttural groans got louder, the deeper he met my own actions, the deeper his cock probed, the exquisite fullness making me lose myself. His lips leaving mine, his eyes were on mine as his hand left my throat, my neck as they met back up with my hand on the rail. The head frame rocked a little more quickly than it had been, as his fingers and hands squeezed mine.

Harder. Fuck me.

“That’s right.” He leant in and kissed my neck as I heard and felt the groan from his chest against me, his tone ragged. “Louder. Let it all out. You tell me. You show me…”

I feel like a slut. Fuck me.

I couldn’t stop moaning as he slowly took control, his hands gripping my own on the rail firmly. I felt his hips start to move, thrusting occasionally. Easing against my gentle movements much, much more frequently, his hard cock was filling me more and more. Meeting my own movements gently, there would be a deep push, making me take it more than I was taking. He withdrew as I eased back, in time with me. The Thing moaned from deep inside me as I took more and more, and was filled more. Or was he pushing more and more into me? I couldn’t tell you. At that moment, my body did what it could do, had to do, and would allow as my moans got louder the more he took control.

So full. So full.

“Almost there, baby,” he said, with an appreciative groan. “You can take it all, can’t you?”

My mind reeled at the sheer lewdness, but it couldn’t have been! I felt so full and yet it felt so good. He nibbled my ear, soothingly and kissed my neck again harder, passionately. The Thing in me moaned, as he filled me more and more with his cock. I couldn’t have told you if I was pushing back or if he was doing all the actions. The way I felt swept me along. All I felt was pleasure, any pain was sidelined, immaterial. Pleasure I had never felt before overrode that. His hips started to lightly kiss my ass cheeks, patting them softly, but repeatedly.

God, don’t stop! It feels right.

One of his hands slipped from mine as it dragged, heaved raggedly, along my chest, sliding up my hip as I felt him lean back a little. Then the other hand slid from the frame, along my back to my other hip. Both of his hands gripped my cheeks, gripping and squeezing them.

I knew he was on his knees fucking me from behind, I knew he was probably watching his cock sliding in and out of my ass as he took charge and started to fuck me. Going in me. Withdrawing. Thrusting. I caught myself briefly in the mirror – horrified, yet strangely proud of myself. The Thing in me had their mouth open, shamelessly moaning, his focus was on me. Every thrust made my moans feel like they were pushed out of me. My cock dribbled as I had to look away.

“That’s it, Steve. Say it – you show me! I’m going to show you, baby.”

Fuck me!

My throat was dry, all I could do was take his cock and moan, my hands tight on the frame, almost unable to let go. He was groaning appreciatively, I heard his exertions as he began really moving his hips, starting to slide his cock into me. Deeper and deeper, filling me more and more with every thrust. Every withdrawal, every thrust was making me delirious. My hands, my palms felt sweaty on the rail of the headboard as I felt his hips meet my cheeks, repeatedly as the soft slaps filled the room.

That’s when I realised with horror, that I’d been saying it to him: fuck me. I didn’t even realise the Thing in me had already been telling him. I didn’t know when I’d said it, or for how long.

Please. Please fuck me.

I wasn’t me that said it, but shame filled me, and yet weirdly, it drove me. I hung my head, moaning incoherently, saying it, almost letting it out in cries and whimpers. The pleasure was intensifying inside me, in my mind and within my body. I watched my swaying cock as I hung my head, seeing his balls hanging, also swaying; his pace rose as he began to thrust at a steady rate. There was a thin line of pre-come that streaked from my cock to the sheets. I might have been semi-hard, but the pleasure I felt went beyond my cock and the things I was used to. My whole body felt alive. Inside. Outside. All around. It almost felt like I was rising to come. I couldn’t help but stroke my cock.

Fuck, it feels right. It just feels so right!

“You sexy, sexy lad. You feel so good, Steve! You sound so fucking sexy.” He groaned loudly, moaning approvingly as his hands glided up from my ass to my back, up my spine, palms down. Then they dragged down, fingertips, nails raking me. Then they eased back up and slid onto the collarbones of my shoulders, pulling me back in time with his thrusts. Faster and faster onto his cock. Harder and harder.

“Push back, baby…”

I tried to push back, I really tried, my arm rigid with all that was happening. All I could do was moan and do my best to obey, obey the pleasure. One of his hands left my shoulder to spank my ass, lightly.

“You’re my beautiful slut tonight,” he said, with his voice changing as he began to fuck me as his hips began to smack my ass.

“Fuck me,” the Thing inside me said, almost begging. I sounded desperate. Unashamed. “Fuck me.” It was me, but it wasn’t. I sounded different, not quite saying it – almost babbling incoherently as my body became his puppet.

“That’s it – you show me. You don’t need gentle anymore, baby. Say it, Steve….”

His hands gripped tighter on my shoulders, as he began to ramp up the pace, but his thumbs rubbed at the base of my neck with a caring nature. Mike’s hips were smacking off my ass, making the most obscene sounds. All I heard were the sounds and our hard breathing. The bed creaked and cried in tandem. My moans filled the room. Every thrust filled me with pleasure. Every withdrawal left me wanting as the Thing told him what to do to me and let him.

“Fuck me. Fuck my ass.”

I don’t know if I said it or thought it. I didn’t know anything anymore, I felt like I wasn’t in my own body.

“I’m gonna fuck you, Steve; your ass was made to be fucked,” he said, his voice heaving. “I’ve got to fuck you. Hard.”

His hands eased up my neck, up the back of my head, gripping, pushing my face down, down towards the pillows. My hand glistening with sweat, slid down the headboard bar as I pumped my cock faster. His palms; one on my shoulder, one on the back of my head, pressed my face into the pillows softly as the pace – the intensity built, frenetically. I felt the heat on my face build quickly as my hand tightened on the bar – white peaks no doubt on my knuckles. The bed was shaking and creaking.

I must have looked like a slut, ass up, head down. Shameless, but I didn’t care. My moans, my cries were slowly being muffled by the pillows as he held me there. The condensation and heat built up on my face, as I moaned harder and louder, letting it out in tandem with his thrusts. The Thing in me cried out in pleasure and in ecstasy.

I was aware of the sounds of his hips smacking off my ass, the impact cascading through me. Harder, louder, faster. His groans and ragged voice telling me things. What I was. What I was to him at that moment. I’d never let anyone call me things like that and yet I was. I was so close to coming, it was driving me insane. All I felt was the feeling of being free. Nothing mattered. The words he used – the way it felt. Everything. Sweat was on my face as I heard him breathing hard between his words. I stroked faster and faster, trying to match his thrusts, almost in a delirious state of pleasure and pain. On the edge. So wired. So close. So fucking close.

Then he was saying to me to tell him what I was. And I did. How his cock felt. And I did. What I wanted, what I had thought about. And I did. Even as he started to pound me. Even as my cock erupted in a blissful agony. I was unable to keep stroking myself, it was almost too much. Even as my body swayed and my mind reeled. Even as his knees knocked mine further apart. Even as he gripped my hips and slapped my ass, calling me a slut. Even as my hips gave way – my legs were shaking. Failing. I cried through gritted teeth being what he wanted me to be. What I wanted to be. Even as he told me he was going to come. Even as the impact rippled through my body, my ass. Praising me. Rewarding me. My senses honed in on one thing and one thing only— pleasure, his and mine, drowning out any pain.

Mercy.

I thought it, but didn’t say it. The Thing inside me gave him what he wanted. What he needed, even as I cried into the pillow – holding on to make him come. Even as his hands held onto my shoulders, pushing me down, ass up shamelessly. Fingers digging in as the impacts of his thrusts shook me. Even as I felt that agonizing squirm in my ass. That spasm in my abdomen. My post-orgasm rising in almost agony – I held on. Him pounding me as his hips crashed against my ass cheeks, along with the sounds of the rail slapping the wall, drowning out my cries. But the praise and his words made me, made me grit my teeth and I let him. Eyes closed tight. Hands on the rail, almost wringing them, hanging on desperately.

I wasn’t really aware of him roaring and groaning loudly. Roaring he was coming, himself overwhelmed. Really coming. My mind swirled. So deep. So hard. I couldn’t hold on. I couldn’t. His hips smacked my ass irregularly and terribly deep as he roared loudly.

MERCY

I felt his hand under me, across my chest, hauling me up as the frame slid from my grip. He pulled me to him, his chest was against my back as we slipped and slid, our bodies drenched in sweat. His knees were under me, under my thighs on his. Mike opened his knees which made my knees spread in tandem, as I felt his cock deeper inside me. His chest shuddered and heaved against my back as he held me tightly, arms across me, rolling and flexing his hips, slowly fucking me as I gasped and drew in air.

I could feel his face, close to mine, I could hear his staggered cries, I could even feel them on my back, shuddering through me. Turning my head to the side in a daze, as the squirm and spasm in my abdomen, in my ass dissipated. He kissed my neck as he ran a hand over my chest and gently caressed my cock, making me cry out to the slow thrusts with deep joy in my voice. I saw myself in the mirror. I barely recognised the person looking back at me, our bodies joined. I had to look away, rolling my head the other way.

“I-I got you…” Mike whispered erratically in my ear, with a lurching ragged groan. “I got you, baby.”

I realised then that he had come and was still coming. He could have still fucked me, but knew I was at my limit. I felt faint and unsteady— not quite here and not quite there. His hand gently caressed my face, with the other steadying me via my chest, kisses on my ear, his shuddering breath trailing down my neck.

“So fucking good…” Softly, he rolled his hips, grinding them against my ass, groaning hard and shuddering erratically a few more times, as his mouth trailed my neck. I could feel his lips trembling as my head lay back on his shoulder, his breath hot, heaving and heavy on my skin, desperately trying to catch my breath. I felt listless, his cock slowly rolling deep inside me. In a daze, almost dizzy. Even more so than I had that first night.

“Such a sexy ass…”

He groaned again as he slowed the pace, gently easing me forward. I was shaking my head thinking he was going to fuck me again, I felt that out of it.

“Shhhh,” he whispered in my ear, as he laid me gently on my front, my body still catching its breath in tandem with him. I felt his hand rub my back soothingly as his other formed an on O against my cheeks, closing around the condom and I realised he was going to withdraw it.

I felt him slide out, a soft groan escaping me, leaving me with an aching emptiness. I tried to turn my head, but I felt done in my breath still desperately trying to catch up.

“Everything’s fine…” Mike said softly, as he rubbed my back. I felt a damp cloth between my cheeks as he wiped away the lube, and then pulled the covers over both of us. I felt him pull me to him, us on our sides, his chest once more on my back as his hands wrapped around me again as he, too, regained control of his breathing. I could feel his hot breath on my neck, his semi-hard cock against me as his grip tightened and released reassuringly. “You’re okay aren’t you, baby?”

I nodded, almost groggily as I felt his hand grip mine, squeezing it. I felt done in, suddenly extremely tired as I lay there, him simply rubbing his hands over my chest and my neck, soothing the thoughts I should have been thinking about. Then he gently ushered me around, rolling me towards him as his hand slipped over my hip and to my ass pulling me close, face to face. I felt the palm of his hand caress my back as his eyes keenly looked into mine. I lowered my head, resting it on his chest, feeling and hearing his heart thump still quite fast as I motioned a hand over his hip as his arms tightened a little.

He reached over and the radio came on, some music playing lightly in the background. We said nothing for a while, nothing. There were the reassuring touches that he gave me, letting me know somewhere inside me, I was safe. Occasionally, he would kiss my head, running a thumb against my face. Normally, these were the things women expected after sex and that juxtaposition weirdly felt…

It felt right.

I looked up at him as his eyes acknowledged me and his expression softened into a smile. Gently, I ran my hand up and down his chest, enjoying the silence between us as he allowed me time.

He’d fucked me like a slut. Pounded me. Yes, it had been gentle at the start, just as he said, but it had gotten harder the more I’d taken. And yet?

It felt right.

Just because I’d thought about it, it didn’t mean the fantasy would match the reality. In an odd way – it more than matched it, it had surpassed it. I genuinely thought I might pass out as I came, the relief almost overwhelmed me, being at the brink for what felt like an age. I realised he’d guided me, opened the door allowing me to walk through it at my own pace, just as he’d promised. Yes, I’d let him use me, use me because it brought that Thing out from inside me. I enjoyed him desiring me. Wanting me. Using dirty words no woman had ever used with me. Softly encouraging me, almost daring me. I watched my hand, rubbing his chest and studying it, knowing the role reversal was a part of the equation. I gently felt his hand lift my leg over his hip as his hand softly rubbed my back, it then easing down to my ass. In a weird way, it felt comforting as my tiredness slowly consumed me and I couldn’t fight the exhausted feeling anymore.

-0-

“You’re a natural,” he said, whispering it.

I lay there, my head on his chest, his arms still around me, as they had been when I must have fallen asleep, but we both knew I was then awake. I eased my head up, motioning my hand on his chest as he looked back at me.

“Well, hello there,” Mike said softly. “Welcome back.” He chuckled gently, as I couldn’t help but laugh a little at his manner. I felt his hand ease through my hair, measured and slow.

I knew he’d taken me to the limit. The limit of what I could do, was willing to do. But here, and at that moment – this felt different. The tension was still there, don’t misunderstand me, but the weird, high feeling was still there in the background. I tried remembering those final moments whilst he pounded me; did I say mercy? I didn’t know. All I cared about was the pleasure he made me feel. I hadn’t even realised I was telling him to fuck me, didn’t know when or for how long.

“Did I…?” I concentrated on my feelings, what I needed to know, our voices quiet. “Did I say mercy?” He shook his head at me slowly and softly.

“You didn’t need to… A gentleman knows his sexy man’s limits. He looks and listens.” His smile was reassuring and caring, as his hand softly rubbed my hip.

I don’t know why, but I kissed his chest as his hand once again eased through my hair. Somewhere inside, it pleased me. Pleased me that I was the object of desire and of affection.

“How did it feel…?”

It felt right.

I thought it, but didn’t say it.

“It felt…” I swallowed hard focusing. “It felt better than your fingers. Better than I thought it would feel. I thought it would hurt, but…” My voice trailed off. I may have ridden his cock – let him fuck me, even behaved like a slut, but that didn’t mean I was suddenly happy for all to know. But here, us alone, just the two of us, I could.

“It did hurt, didn’t it?” he enquired.

I nodded my head against his chest. “At first… But then, that didn’t matter,” I said, admitting it.

“You moan so beautifully, you were so wanton with the way you said it. Didn’t I say I had you, baby? You worked with me to that incredible fuck.”

Easing my face up, I looked at him a little shocked and confused. I probably had been saying it all along, embarrassment coursed through me, I was so worked up and caught up in the moment. He did all the work – he made me… I almost heard it again somewhere from inside me, knowing I’d been saying it all along.

Fuck, it feels right. It just feels so right! Fuck me. Fuck my ass!

“But you… You made me.”

He chuckled at my response, as his hand cupped my ass cheek, gently.

“No, Steve, you have to want to do it. A man inspires. Didn’t I tell you I would let you be what you wanted to be?”

I nodded, slowly understanding. It was circular. Ever decreasing.

He looked at me firmly, making sure I understood. “I made you, you made me.”

I lay there in his embrace, feeling his cock rise, getting semi-hard against me. Mike lifted my chin, nothing more being said as he kissed me softly, slowly as his other hand snaked under the pillows my head rested on. Our lips eased against each other’s, occasional breaks to lick our lips as the radio droned quietly in the background, only to meet again, mashing against each other, simply enjoying the way our lips met. The kiss broke as he lifted my chin more, snaking kisses under my chin, then down my neck as my own cock swelled. I felt him hardening against my own cock as he slowly motioned his hips to me and back, rocking ever so slightly, his free hand trailing down my back. Mike’s hand caressed my ass, attentively. His lips were once again on mine, kissing lightly, groaning as he felt my ass. My hand eased over his hip, feeling that gorgeous ass he’d brazenly shown me when he walked out the room earlier.

Our cocks lightly grazed against each other’s as I slowly eased my hips to meet him. I could feel how hard he was as it eased against mine, my own ragingly hard in response – but there was a patience this time. Soft, gentle kisses continued, occasionally moving to my neck, sometimes my cheek. I could hear our breathing, the gentle mashing of kisses, our desire reducing the volume of the little radio into the background.

We kissed for quite some time, making me— making us— take time and silently explore. It wasn’t rushed or animalistic this time; it felt natural, less hurried, but that didn’t detract anything from what I felt and what he made me feel. He motioned me to lie on my back, moving on top of me as we kissed, the intensity I felt rising, but we remained at this leisurely momentum. I felt effeminate, with him on top of me, as my hands eased down his back, enjoying feeling his skin, his body, that closeness as we kissed like lovers. My palms eased over his ass and back up repeatedly. Kisses snaked down my neck and my chest, sucking my nipples, one at a time. Then Mike’s kisses moved down, down to my tummy, his lips on my hips, either side; then his mouth lightly began to kiss my cock as his hands rubbed my chest, a finger lightly touching my right nipple. I felt myself throb at the slow, delicious pace, at the light touches and the fact nothing was said as I fought moaning, scared to break the heavy breathing sounds from both of us, unwilling to break the spell.

I gripped the bars of the headboard, not tightly this time, simply to steady myself as Mike’s mouth eased over my aching cock. I looked down, looking over my chest at him as he stared right back at me. I swear, with almost a smile on his face. My cock head was in his mouth as his tongue swirled, creating the most amazing sensations. He never used his hands, they simply rubbed my tummy, or a nipple, even my hips— my body ignited. Occasionally, his mouth eased up and down slowly, patiently as my eyes closed briefly, simply enjoying the attention he gave me.

It felt right. Show me.

Within moments, our breathing was heavy, and soft moans escaped me. I saw his mouth leave my cock as his hands eased up my chest; he sat up, his cock pointing straight up. I saw him reach over and pick up a condom, opening it. I realised he was going to fuck me and I tried to shake my head, scared to say no, as my ass felt a little sore, but said nothing as he stroked his cock blatantly in front of me, quickly and excitedly.

“Shhh…” he said softly, placing it over the tip, rolling it down his shaft, before picking up the lube and applying it. He wiped his hands on the cloth and placed them on either side of my face, over me, simply staring at me. But it wasn’t really staring, he seemed to be drinking me in, admiring me. “I’m going to make love to your ass.”

Mike’s cock gently touched my ass as he rocked softly, gently. Leaning over me, one arm straight by my shoulder, his other wrapped around his cock, I felt him press as he leaned in to kiss me, slowly and lightly. His lips left mine to watch me with those admiring eyes, them seeming to sparkle, igniting everything inside me as I felt the head nudge between my cheeks, his eyes staring directly into mine, looking down and then back at me. I felt his focus, his attention and his hard desire. I began to whimper as he slowly rocked, feeding it into me so slowly. So fucking slowly. I couldn’t help but open my legs, my shins shamelessly easing over his hips. Bit by bit, inch by inch – filling me with his beautiful cock as my heels ushered against his ass with his movements. He groaned in tandem with me as his cock deepened, causing me to pant the fuller I got. It had a different intensity to it, different but the same to earlier. It was gentle, easing out the feelings as he thrusted deeply and slowly. So slow. Measured. So full. When his hips met my ass, he simply kept that gentle pace, thrusting slowly but deeply, only to withdraw just as measuredly.

I steadied myself initially, but realised he wasn’t simply going to fuck me or pound me. In this position, it was hard to push back at him, but I tried, losing myself in the moment my heels urgent in their movements against his ass. His attentive hands rubbed my chest, my nipples, moved either side of my cock, but didn’t touch it. The light, caring touch made me feel wanted. Desired. My hands eased against his chest, exploring and softly easing down to his abdomen, watching his manly body slowly fuck me. This man showing me so many dimensions, so many things about myself.

I felt effeminate being on my back looking up at him, but that added an extra dimension that made me lose myself. My cock was aching, dribbling every time it eased up to the hilt with a roll of his hips. Heavier groans escaped me, from the intense pleasure deep inside me. I reached up to stroke his shoulder; as he just continued to admire me, as we simply slowly began to fuck, fuck gently. Both of our bodies emitted soft moans of desire, hard breathing filling the room as he stoked the aching pleasure building inside me. Rolling my head to the side, my eyes closing just losing myself in what I felt, I reached down, lost in the sensations to stroke my cock, to continue to rub his shoulder, but he ushered it away.

“You’ve been so good…” he whispered. “Let me.”

He licked his palm and slipped it over my cock holding it there as my small movements in my hips gave me pleasure – in my ass – from my cock as it eased slightly back and forth in his hand. He leant over me, one arm by my face as he leant down occasionally to kiss me. On my neck, on my cheek.

My hand on his shoulder tightened as the pleasure increased, this angle being very different from earlier. My other hand moved up to rub his back, then with both my hands, as my head rolled back to face him, my moans louder. I felt shameless, panting as they eased further down his back, down to his hips as they moved, then his ass, cupping it, squeezing it as my balls slapped measuredly off his abdomen. I kept staring at him as my finger slid up and down the crevice of his ass, my other hand holding, gripping the other cheek, working with him. He groaned back at me, smiling as he did so, his hand tightening on my cock as it slid through his grip.

“You were so good, you deserve this…”

My hands clenched his ass, enjoying the closeness as I gripped, not tightly but caressing it as our moans, our bodies moved in unison. Our hips rolling and meeting – my cock was slipping and sliding through his gentle grip on my cock’s head as it tightened that little bit more. His balls gently patted my ass, as my finger rubbed his ass lightly, encouraging me; his moans rose as he started to roll his hips between his thrusts.

I knew I was coming, I felt it rise from deep inside me as his pace remained gentle as his hand slowly began to move, stroking my cock. I pulled him to me, lost and overwhelmed, kissing him, shaking as the eruption rose gradually, then suddenly, began to boil over, my cum firing across my chest. I cried loudly as he moaned harder back at me. My eyes rolled and then closed tightly as another thundering ejaculation pumped across me. My body lurched at the ferocity of the pleasure. I knew my hand was gripping into his ass as I cried and howled, my finger trembling against his sphincter. He groaned loudly, appreciatively, saying he was coming, too; Mike’s thrusting increased just a little.

I barely heard him as his hand snaked up and down my cock; it pumped again and again. The thrusts were gentle, deep and slow as he kissed me, silencing both our cries; my cock erratically jerked to those deep strokes, from his hand and his cock. My hand on his ass felt the tremble in his body as the pace remained steady. He lowered himself onto me – on top of me, rolling his hips as we kissed deeply and slowly, slowing even more as he growled lightly against my lips, grinding out his own orgasm. When he lifted his lips from mine, I was aware he was stroking my cheek, affectionately.

I didn’t leave until the morning. That was my first time and knew right there and then, it wouldn’t be the last.

Epilogue

The year three thousand may still come to pass

But the music shall last

I can hear it on a timeless wavelength

Never dissipating but giving us strength

Sterling Void, It’s Alright

I hadn’t seen Mike in some years, life takes you on various paths. I dipped in and out of the social circle for some time, but these things, these times never really last, do they? Yes, I saw him occasionally, frequently at first, but it fizzled out as these things do. People come and go, move on or move away. You grow up because time is merciless. You have to make a choice at some point and it was one I was unwilling to do. I still loved women and it, therefore, became a secret I told a select few.

Will was still a friend. He had had several partners over the years and like friends of those times, they came and went, with him, eventually, settling down. We’d not see each other for months, sometimes even years, but when we all got together, it was a chance to catch up. They got fewer, the number of people the more the years rolled on. Some lost to that which these days, could be treated.

Mike was always infrequent the last couple of meets that I attended. If I was single we’d relive those special times, those times only he and I could share. I made no thought to it when he didn’t attend as I myself didn’t always make them. I never went fishing for it, inquiring about him as I was always conscious they might figure it out. It was Chris who mentioned it, mentioned the guys who used to hit on me – on the straight guy.

“Mike’s not here to keep you safe this time,” he snorted, but his face changed to one of sadness as he slowly gripped his glass and gently turned it, lost in thought.

The atmosphere changed suddenly as the table went quiet. I looked up and around, seeing the faces, some of which were cast down, others took a drink as the silence continued.

“Okay, what’s up?” I looked at them all, searching for something, anything, trying to play it cool.

“The big C,” said Will, staring at his drink. Lifting his head, he looked at me shaking his head. “I thought you knew. I thought I’d said.” I was stunned, my mouth must have been open. “He’s dying, Steve.”

I won’t lie to you, I don’t know how I managed to hold it together in front of them, but I did. I guess you hide things long enough it becomes second nature. “When…?” I enquired, the facade almost breaking.

“Late last year…” said Will.

“They gave him six months.” Chris sighed gently after he said it. “It’s been, what? A year now? Tough old bastard.”

“Lets not do this,” said another. “He wouldn’t want us to be upset about it.”

It took awhile for the melancholy to lift, to dissipate, which was just as well; I found myself thinking more and more about him as the evening wore on. The mood did lift, but it remained there in the background and no one mentioned it again.

I found myself at a loss, walking home and on a whim, I found myself thinking about him and stopping by his, at his place. It wasn’t too late – none of us had the legs we used to have and had commitments that meant we all had to be home at a sensible hour.

I found myself at his door, realising they were right, that he wouldn’t want us to dwell on it. But, nonetheless, I was here. I pressed the intercom expecting no response.

“H-ello?”

I heard his familiar tone, the tone and the way he said it, bringing back those fond memories. Of us. Of being alone with him. I felt nineteen again, remembering what I felt so long ago.

“Mike.” My voice shook just a little, not like that time. “It’s Steve.”

There was a long pause. A terribly long pause. I hadn’t seen him in what? Three years? I waited on his response, on tender hooks, those feelings resurfacing.

“Hi, Steve…” I heard him pause. “Do you want to come up?”

“Yes,” I said gently. “If you’re okay with that?”

Again, there was a pause, and it ended, not with him answering, but the buzzer being pressed. I heard the handset shuffle and click off as I pushed the door open and climbed the stairs.

He was there, at the door when I made it to the landing. I looked at him gently. He’d lost weight, a lot of weight. I saw it clearly, even though he wore a thick dressing gown over his pajamas. It made him look so much older. It was especially noticeable in his face, but his eyes they looked at me keenly, sparkled just like they always had. Reaching the door, he opened it more letting me in.

“I didn’t know if you would see me…” I said, almost telling myself.

Mike smiled at me, grinning. “I wasn’t going to, but I never could say no to you.” His tone was cheeky, referring to our times together as he smiled.

“I could never say no to you,” I said.

We walked through to the living room and sat down as he asked about the others, the gossip and soft, general enquiries. Life. Me. What I was up to. I made us a cup of tea each as he adjusted himself on the sofa, clearly in pain as we returned to gossip.

“Why have you come?”

I held the tea cup in both hands, enjoying its warmth as I leaned forward. I looked at him, tilting my head as he looked back at me seriously.

“I had to see you. Chris mentioned you. Mentioned…”

“Ah,” he said. “That.”

I nodded softly, placing my tea cup down on the coffee table with a tense but pained sigh. What do you say to someone who is dying, even visibly before your eyes? He might have lost weight, looked gaunt, weak and ill, but that tone, those eyes, had always made me feel things no one else did.

His hand slid to mine along the sofa. Looking down, I saw it and met him with my own hand. I felt his fingers ease to hold it. He squeezed them softly.

“Lets not talk about that.” That smile. That disarming smile.

I shook my head at him, almost a laugh coming from me, which made me feel just that little bit terrible as I squeezed his hand back gently.

We talked about things. Us, the past. The good times. That naughty weekend in Amsterdam. The sauna. Why shouldn’t you? Why shouldn’t you look back fondly? Remember the times, even though they were in the past. The hours flew past and I found myself laughing, relaxed in his company, as he had always made me feel. He was selfless, always focused on me. But, it soon reached that time where he was tired, really tired and told me it was time for me to go.

“I have a favor though,” he said. “Two, actually. Promise me.”

I nodded at the doorway, it still closed.

“Anything…”

“Don’t ever come back.” He smiled at me affectionately as he stroked my face.

I was aware of the tears building in my eyes, feeling like he was pushing me away. I felt selfish thinking this was it, but some part of me understood.

“Shhhh,” he continued softly. “I want you to remember me as I was. You understand that, don’t you, baby?”

Baby.

I pursed my lips, holding it in, but I nodded nonetheless. Even here, at this time, he made me obey him as his eyes searched mine. I felt his hand squeeze mine as my jaw trembled.

“And the other?” I enquired, almost whispering it, knowing my voice was breaking.

“You always liked your music, didn’t you?”

I nodded softly as he drew in closer as I almost started to cry. But I didn’t.

“Find me in the music you hear. In the words. I’ll always be with you in some way and that… That makes me happy tonight and hopefully forever.” His eyes pierced me as I tried to squeeze his hand back and I did, almost faltering. His thumb on my cheek stroked me as he simply looked at me.

“I got you, baby,” Mike said softly. “I’ve always got you.”

I eased my arms around him, almost crushing him, hearing the creak in his ribs. I eased off a little as he hugged me back, tears spilling from my eyes. He smiled softly at me when our embrace ended, and he carefully wiped them away affectionately. Carefully, he studied me, but eventually he opened the door and patted my ass saying nothing else, showing me it was time to go. I could see the tears in his eyes, too. I squeezed his hand one last time, kissing him softly on the lips, not wanting this to be the end. I felt his gaze as he watched me attentively as I left. Taking steps down the stairs very slowly, never taking my eyes off of him, he disappeared from my view. I heard the door close with a soft creak, followed by a final click.

And that was my last time.

If you’re lost you can look and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall I will catch you, I’ll be waiting

Time after time

Cyndi Lauper, Time After Time.