A gay story: Oh Holy Night It’s the last Saturday before Christmas at 4:50 and almost the end of reconciliation hour, and also very nearly the last night of a life I’ve idealistically thrown away twenty years ago. Most of the congregation has stopped coming to confession entirely. I’ve only had 2 people in the last 2 hours. I’m sick of listening to the same confessions by the same unrepentant sinners. They lie when they say they are truly sorry, and I grant them forgiveness because I have to pretend to believe them. No matter what I do with this life I’ve dedicated to someone I’ve never seen, nothing seems to matter to me. I feel cut off from everyone and sometimes I just want to reach out and hug someone without cause, anyone in the congregation, and not let them go.
Suddenly the partition door opens and it’s him, my friend, Father Christian, just what I need. I’m at the end of my rope lately. I’m lonely. Sure I have friends but spending every night alone without a warm body to even hold is really starting to get to me. Some of the other priests I know take lovers but that’s risky and I’m not very extroverted. Fr Christian is one of the strong ones, or at least in all the years that I have been his confessor he’s never indicated otherwise to me.
If he weren’t a priest I’d swear he was a succubus, as he’s raped me in my dreams plenty of times. He has the body of Adonis, perfectly sculpted. Sometimes even just looking at the back of his shoulders makes me horny. It’s been a challenge to hide my attraction from him. His cobalt blue eyes are what got me first, covered with heavy lids and long lashes that give the illusion of mascara. Then I noticed his high cheekbones and full-pouty lips. How anyone could resist him was beyond me. The moment he opened his mouth to speak my cock sprang fully erect, all 8 inches throbbing painfully below my Cossack.
I’d never masturbated before this muse came around; 15 years and never once in all that time did I resort to self-love. I devoted my life to this vocation, filling every moment with service or study, never letting myself have enough time to think about such distractions.
Then 5 years ago they introduced me to this angel of a man and I’ve been his confessor ever since. We quickly became friends but every time he’s in the room I try to sit down and hide my erection under a table. When we hug I keep from pressing up against him. If I were stronger I would have asked him to find another confessor years ago, and told him that I couldn’t be friends with him anymore, but his very presence in my life jump started my heart and my loins, and I found myself struggling against my desires, having to ignore random, blurry images as they popped into my head. I didn’t dare allow myself to fantasize, to fully see his face and picture his gorgeous body uncovered in my mind; it was too painful.
If they were wiser, or if they knew about my weakness for gorgeous men they should have never introduced me to Christian. But then again there are so many of us, I doubt if they would have been able to find a completely straight priest, unmoved by his beauty and the years with no woman they could trust in their lives.
We are all lucky that this man is so strong himself. In all the years that we have been friends he had confided numerous attractions to both men and women and asked me to pray for him to remain strong. So I have been on my knees asking God for something I truly didn’t want but ached to want for him. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned…” His submissive tone gets me every time. His voice is never stale and he always treats confession like the sacrament that it’s supposed to be. I ball up my fists at my sides and fight to keep my face straight. “I…this is so hard…”
I’m perplexed by his words. Christian is always forthcoming with his confessions, but this time it’s too much for him. I can’t imagine what he could have done that he can’t tell me about. “Please,” he begs, so vulnerable, “you can’t tell anyone, no matter what I tell you now.”
“Christian, you know I can’t tell anyone,” I surprise myself with my edgy voice. “I wouldn’t tell anyone even without this sanctity protecting you.” I’m starting to get annoyed but it’s not his fault that being around him is such a tease.
“How do you know that?” He’s too cautious, something’s wrong.
Because I love you, I think.
“Because I’m your friend.”
“I slept with a woman,” he says it quickly and low. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers.
“Please don’t tell them, there’s nothing wrong with me, I just slipped. I’ll never do it again, I’m sorry.”
I have no idea what to say to this and there’s a lengthy, uncomfortable silence between us. “Please…” he adds, “help me be strong Gabriel.”
“No,” I say without thinking, “I can’t, ” I hear myself say, immediately covering my mouth afterwards.
“What?” Christian asks.
“It will be alright,” I move on and hope he forgets the slip, “come, let’s talk in my quarters.” We walk quickly in silence, to my apartment. As soon as he’s inside and I close the door he falls against me. I try to get away in case I get hard again but he holds me close and sighs like an angel in my ear. He’s very worried and I want to comfort and hurt him at the same time.
“Christian, look at me,” I tell him, and he fights against the weight of his guilt to comply. His perfect blue eyes gloss over with tears. I’ve never wanted to kiss him so badly. “Nothing’s changed between us. The Lord loves and forgives you.”
I realize I’m still holding him when my hard on unmistakably presses into the crotch of his pants and immediately move away. It’s too late; his eyes get wide. I try to ignore it and hope he will too. My eyes immediately go to that huge bulge in his crotch and his go to mine. We look up, breathing heavy, starring at each other. He almost looks like he wants me as bad as I want him. I see something so tender in his eyes that I almost delude myself into thinking it’s the same love I feel for him.
You could cut the sexual tension with a knife. I never knew he wanted me so badly before. I can tell he feels so vulnerable and I try to let him know with my eyes he can trust me. I’m so close to that gorgeous cock but I’m not even going to look down at it yet. Now I know I can take the chance and say what I’ve wanted to say to him for so long. “Do you have any idea how hard it is when you’re around? You have no idea how good you are,” I tell him, “how beautiful. You make me want to…” I shut myself up, realizing my voice is getting louder. I don’t even know how to finish that sentence.
Christian’s searching my eyes; wanting to say something, but I don’t give him the opportunity. Instead I take him in my arms, much closer than we’ve ever been before. I run my fingers though his hair without thinking. “I love you,” I say it automatically, naturally, before I can catch myself.
“What?”
“Oh I’m sorry, Christian. I didn’t mean to say that.”
“You love me,” he asks, “really?”
“Yes,” I say, “I love you. I’m sorry.”
“No,” he whispers, “I love you too, Gabriel.” Tenderly his lips open mine, his tongue teases mine, slowly; shallow then deeper our lips lock and tongues intertwine, and it’s the most tender, beautiful moment of my life.
“I’m sorry it wasn’t you,” he says. “It wasn’t that I couldn’t be with anyone else that drove me crazy, it was that I couldn’t be with you.” And she was there, and I never thought you would be…”
“I don’t care who else you were with,” I say, “Just be with me now.”
I’m taking off his shirt, kissing his lips, and then I’m kissing his chest and stomach I don’t have to think about this, it’s just right. His quiet sounds of pleasure take my breath away. He moans sharply when I take his nipples in my mouth and nibble on them. Then there’s the moment of absolutely perfect anticipation: when I’m unbuttoning and unzipping his slacks. I have an insatiable need to break my body’s silence like ancient stained glass and let the air into this dark, musty place where I’d set my heart like a trophy on an alter to saintlihood that I’d never in all my years been able to reach.
No longer could I be content to be held by the safety of my own prayers for strength. This love was God’s gift to me and I knew it. All that I’d known, the discipline I’d had, the beauty of certainty wrapped up in the solitary nature of truth was being eclipsed by the truth of my heart. I knew God was there, in the body of the man I’d loved since he first walked into my life. When he walked into my life it was as if he was returning to me, as if we had been apart for a long time and my heart woke up and remembered it as if it were yesterday.
I could barely contain myself when I saw his perfect, long, wide, circumcised cock, so full of blood and life, so vulnerable to me. I wanted to swallow him all at once but I forced myself to control the fever, tentatively licking the head, flicking my tongue against him, then up and down the shaft, over and under, again and again, not taking him in my mouth yet. Next I moved my lips further down and started to lick his balls, taking them in my mouth I sucked one and then the other very lightly. I heard him moan and then the most heavenly sound I’d ever heard; a soft and shaky, completely sincere, “please.” I couldn’t deny him. I took that cock as far in my mouth as it would comfortably go and sucked lightly, flicking my tongue against him.
My body remembered love making; even though I’d stopped 20 years ago. There had been a couple lovers in college; right before I started seminary, but no one I’d loved. I kept him deep in my mouth and moved on his cock close to the base until I was comfortable, then I held his cock down and started moving my head all the way off and on again. He was sighing. “Gabriel, oh my God, that feels so good, oh baby.” He tasted like nothing else, salty and sweet. “Gabriel come up here,” Christian pants. “You made me feel so good, my love, thank you.” He kisses me again, tasting himself on my tongue. “I’m going to suck your cock just like you sucked mine,” he says in a sultry voice. “But I’m not going to make you cum, because I want you to cum in my ass.”
Before I could answer my lover was on his knees sucking what I knew to be his first cock ever. He was asking me to take his virginity, he wanted to give it to me, and I was so overwhelmed by all of this. The pleasure was so much better than my fantasies. Suddenly something clicked in my head. Christian always wanted me to take control of him, tell him what he had to do, what he should do, so I decided to find out if that translated to the bedroom as well. “Christian, stop.” I managed to choke out, forcing myself to hold off my impending orgasm.
“Is something wrong?” He asks with deep concern.
“Get your sexy virgin ass up here,” I demand. “I’m going to fuck you like you’ve never even imagined you could be fucked.”
“Yes Sir,” he answers jokingly, testing the situation.
“That’s right boy,” I tell him, “you will call me Sir. I am going to fuck that tight virgin ass so hard you scream for me to stop.” Christian groans, his cock is so rock hard and he’s trembling all over. I know he is as turned on as he is ever going to be.
“But you’re not going to have a choice, it’s all mine, you’re all mine. Now lay down with your face in my pillow and don’t you dare wake anyone else up or I’ll have to punish you. Understand me boy?”
“Yyyes, Sir!” Christian does as he is told immediately. I was right on the money about him. The thing that excites me the most is his obvious need to be taken and controlled.
“Hands above your head boy.” I grab his hands and hold them there, kissing the back of his neck; I nibble on his earlobes and lick his back. Then I let his hands go and kiss him all over. I lick his tight asshole, and he draws back and moans. When I put my tongue inside of him and start fucking him with it he bucks his hips.
“Oh yes!” my lover cries. That’s when I grab his hips, pulled my tongue out and slowly insert my finger.
“Mmm, so tight,” I whispered, “I can’t wait to have my cock in here.” I climb on top of him while I finger him, deeper and faster until I can get another finger in. “You’re the first man I’m going to be inside of like this,” I tell him. “I can’t wait to find out how good it feels to make love to you like this.” I slip another finger in his asshole and fuck him with all three fingers and he cries out, rubbing his hard cock against the sheets.
“Please fuck me Gabriel,” he answers. “I can’t wait any longer, I need you inside of me. Make love to me,” he cries, “I can’t wait one more second, make love to me now.”
“Oh God Christian,” I answer, “I can’t wait one more second for you either.” I held my cock against his tight opening only a little aggressive against the resistance; I push the head in and then wait.
“More, lover hurry up and get inside of me,” he cries.
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You’re not hurting me, if you hurt me I’ll let you know, don’t worry.” I can’t say no to Christian, not ever, so I push my cock in hard and fast and he only gasps and moans.
“Am I hurting you?” I ask.
“No,” he says, “fuck me hard, just like you said you would.” I start to rock my hips slowly back and forth then faster fuck him harder and harder.
“Harder,” he demands. I bite down hard on his neck.
“Owww”
“Who said you can tell me what to do?” I ask him.
“I’m in charge here boy, so just shut up and take it like a good boy.”
“Yes Sir, sorry Sir.”
“Good boy.” I quicken my pace and began slamming my hips into his. This seems to drive him wild. He starts panting, moaning and groaning constantly.
“That’s it, oh yes, right there, baby I can’t hold back any longer. I’m going to cum just from you fucking me.” Christians words are all I need, I can hardly wait for him to cum before I explode, releasing all my cum inside him. I suddenly realize we didn’t even discuss protection. And with that realization I understand that he trusts me that much. Feeling his ass muscles grip my cock tight, I cum sobbing.
“What’s wrong?” he sounds startled.
I pull out of him, let him flip over and hold me.
I couldn’t look in his eyes to tell him, so I buried my face in his neck.
“This was almost the last night of my life,” I told him. “I was going to kill myself.”
“WHAT?”
“Gabriel, what possible reason could you have?”
“I just felt so out of direction,” I tell him.
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” He exclaims. “Christ Gabriel!”
“I’m sorry Christian,” was all I could say.
“To think I almost lost you,” he adds. When I look up his eyes are wet.
“I never meant to hurt you,” I try, feeling like such an asshole.
“Well did you even consider what an impact that would have on everyone who loves you?”
“How can they love someone they don’t even know?”
“I don’t know, how could I have loved you since I first saw you?” He asks. He looked so angry.
“You did?”
“Of course. I never knew you were hurting like that,” He says. “Think of all the time we’ve wasted.”
“No,” I say, “No more thinking like that. “Think of how blessed we are to have each other now.”
“Do you have to go back?” I ask.
“In a little while.” He kisses me again.
“What are we going to do?”
“Make love,” Christian says like there’s nothing else at stake. “Be together when we can.”
He sits up and looks me in the eye. “I love being a priest, Gabriel.”
“I know. It’s what we are. But it’s going to be hard.”
We didn’t have any idea how hard it was going to be yet.