After the End Ch. 19

A gay story: After the End Ch. 19 Author’s note:

This is the seventh chapter of After the End – Part 3, the final novel in my dystopian erotic romance trilogy. If you enjoy intensely provocative sex with a power play twist, handsome male heroes in emotionally satisfying relationships, and unconventional happily ever afters — you are in the right place! These books are full-length, publication-quality, and currently being offered free of charge. 🙂

Descriptions of each book can be found in my bio by clicking my user name. Feel free to drop in on specific chapters or sections based on your mood or interest, but the dramatic tension is strongest if you start from the beginning of Part 1. As always, I appreciate hearing your reactions and feedback. It truly does help me create the best stories that I can for readers to enjoy.

Content warning: This chapter depicts a character assisting another character to process difficult emotions related to a past experience of sexual violence. This chapter also depicts a character experiencing anxiety and panic.

Tags for this chapter include: #bisexual male, #future, #dystopia, #novel, #romantic, #married, #male submissive, #polyamory, #triad

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Julian:

The morning after Graham’s declaration, I was summoned abruptly from sleep by the all-too-familiar sound of brusque rapping on the door and a predawn messenger calling my name. I was out of bed and pulling on clothes before my conscious mind even started calculating possible reasons for the visit, my motions so practiced they were almost pure reflex. A report this early could only mean trouble, but I heard nothing beyond the muted ambience of Fort Laurel waking for the day and my two companions stirring behind me. A true emergency would be heralded by sirens rather than the single camouflage-clad soldier I found when I slipped out into the faintly firelit January chill.

“Patrol in sector twelve just radioed, sir,” the messenger announced. “They’re taking fire and have engaged enemy combatants near Route Four. Reinforcements requested.”

I gave her a quick nod in acknowledgement. “I’ll inform Captain Lansing.”

It was known within the community that Graham spent most of his nights in our quarters, and he and Avery were already mostly dressed when I stepped back inside. I sent my husband to marshal Fort Laurel’s guards while Graham and I hurried to Third Battalion’s base to hear the report’s details and coordinate a joint response to the skirmish, on the northeastern border of the lands we defended. Squads from Bravo and Echo Companies had been helping keep watch in that direction since the attack that left Avery stranded, and no aggression had penetrated to populated areas, but any bullet could be the one that ends a life. We hadn’t yet learned much about who was responsible; our attempts to make peaceful contact had been met with violence, and the few homesteaders in the region could only tell us that the threat was new.

Our counter-offensive mobilized quickly, but by the time additional troops reached the remote woods, the raiders were gone. We posted extra patrols and searched most of the afternoon for possible bases of operation, but we had little to show for our efforts by the time we trekked home beneath the pastel winter sunset.

Avery volunteered to cover a shift on watch that evening for one of the guards who’d been reallocated to the east, and Graham needed to report back to his commanding officer, so after grabbing a quick dinner in the main hall, I walked home alone.

I took advantage of their absence to tidy the place up a bit. Avery tended to throw things onto whatever surface was nearest, including the floor, without regard to the amount of time it would take later to dig through haphazard piles of clothing and supplies when he needed something. I, on the other hand, believed in the old adage: a place for everything and everything in its place. I always knew exactly where to find my things, because I always returned them to the exact same location. Items I shared with my husband, or that he’d borrowed, took longer to locate.

With Graham’s return to our relationship, Avery had been paying even less attention than usual to keeping order. We didn’t even own that many belongings — no one here did, when every scrap of material was so laboriously produced — but with none of them being put away, they seemed to have multiplied. I made the bed and folded the extra blankets, collected our toiletries back onto the washstand, and hung his scattered shirts on their pegs by the door. Then I straightened: the boots and moccasins into a row under the bench, the books and notebooks by order of size on the desk, the trio of candles into formation on the nightstand. Some have called it obsessive, but my preference for order doesn’t arise from fear or discomfort. I simply find it easier to focus when errant shoelaces and mismatched corners aren’t distracting me.

Avery tries to be considerate of my desire for neatness, but since it doesn’t actually matter to him, he finds it challenging to be mindful of where he’s putting things every morning and evening. With only a single small room split between us, I simply did most of the picking up myself. I found it annoying at times, but in another sense, I appreciated that he was relaxed enough to be unbothered by chaos.

With my surroundings satisfactorily organized, I seated myself at the desk to add notes to the logbook I kept of Fort Laurel’s tactical situation. The official reports and statistics were filed in the command center, of course, but keeping my own records helped me perceive patterns that weren’t always apparent from a granular perspective. When reading my notes back several months later, I often noticed different details, which could be useful when planning for similar situations or seasons in the future. It also helped me track what factors impacted our security the most and how we could best prioritize limited resources and manpower.

I was still jotting down my summary of the conflict with the unknown aggressors to the east when Graham knocked and announced himself at the door. I hadn’t been expecting him, since he knew Avery would be away half the night. In the couple of weeks since our reunion, most of the time we’d spent together had included the three of us. After watching my husband mourn over the captain for all of November and December, I was more than happy for him to occupy most of our new partner’s attention.

Yet despite the late hour, Graham had come to see me, alone. A disconcerting flurrying sensation started up in my gut as I went to let him in, which intensified at the sight of his familiar features — sharply defined jaw and cheekbones, jaunty eyebrows, and near-permanent hint of smirk about the mouth.

“Hey, Major,” he greeted me as he often did, using my title as if it were a nickname he’d personally chosen.

“Hey,” I replied, withdrawing to prop myself at the edge of the desk while he shut the door. He leaned one shoulder against the frame, the sculpted swells of his chest and crossed arms outlined by his snug knit sweater. No matter how much discipline and command I had over my body, I’d never felt at ease in it the way Graham seemed to in his. Even the most casual stance exuded confidence, despite him not being particularly tall. And those surprisingly green eyes, sweeping me with the same trained fighter-pilot precision that allowed him to scream toward targets at twelve hundred miles an hour and pivot the jet at any angle under extreme gravitational forces without losing track of position… He was bold without being obnoxious, direct but rarely with the intention to offend. Unapologetic in a way that was magnetically attractive.

Technically we were on my turf, but there was an edge to his open gaze that made me unsure where our boundaries were. And that stirred more of the nervous anticipation I wasn’t sure what to do with.

“Avery’s on watch,” I sallied, but one side of Graham’s mouth cocked up slightly, as if he saw through my attempt to use my partner as a smokescreen and found it amusing.

“I know. Came to check in with you.” The words were benign, yet his flirtatious tone crackled dangerously with static electricity.

I couldn’t think of anything to say, which wasn’t a difficulty I was accustomed to. Thankfully, after a moment he went on.

“So things got…kind of intense, last night. If I overstepped…” He trailed off, but his bright, curious eyes watched for my reaction.

“Not at all,” I told him. Perhaps candor would deflect further scrutiny. “I’m pleased you and Avery care so much for each other. You’re a wonderful partner for him.”

“Glad to hear it,” Graham replied, yet the challenge in his inflection only strengthened the electric pull I could sense between us. As did his unwavering study of my face.

I sought for a lighter tone, a desperate attempt to diffuse some of the charge before it generated a current I couldn’t control. “I don’t expect you to feel the same way about me that you do about him. I’m well aware that I’m not Avery.”

It didn’t work. He pushed off the door frame and moved toward me, deliberate and seductive. “Well I’m certainly not Avery. But I was still hoping you might find room for me in some small corner of your heart.”

When he finished speaking, he was much closer, and all the oxygen seemed to have been consumed in some sort of instantaneous chemical reaction. There was nothing to protect me from him anymore: no buffer, no distance, not even an atmosphere. And his mention of my heart kicked it into high gear.

“You have more than a corner,” I heard myself confessing before I’d actually decided whether that was a safe response. When Avery was here, I was better at keeping myself in check. He liked the captain so much — loved him, even. He was still recovering from the months they’d been apart. I didn’t know yet whether he’d be jealous if…

I let the rest of the sentence fade without taking shape. I wasn’t sure how it ended, even in my own mind.

“Good.” There was an enticing cast to Graham’s melodious voice and a smoldering fire lit behind his irises. “Because as I’ve told you before, your husband is not the only person living here who I care for.”

I stared at him, paralyzed within his electromagnetic field, our heads level since I was leaning against the desk. Unsettling yearnings raced invisibly along the axis from gut to brain. It had been so long since anyone had unearthed these raw, unregulated impulses inside me. My passion for Avery was intense, but for the most part it flowed in a certain direction. My husband didn’t see me this way; didn’t want to see me this way. Our dynamic allowed me to be available when he needed support, and even though he cared for me just as deeply, he didn’t generally have the emotional capacity to be able to reciprocate.

Graham was a different matter. He’d easily been able to handle anything we’d thrown at him so far, and after observing him with my partner, I suspected he hadn’t come close to reaching his ceiling with me. He’d fully respected my request to take things slowly since he rejoined our relationship; he hadn’t tried to kiss me or introduce anything more than limited contact during sex. But him standing so close, watching me with that knowing glint, had me ready to speed all the way up.

When our mouths met — mine hesitant but hungry, his resolute and direct — sparks flew. This longing he’d coaxed from me was far more than physical; it was rooted in formless, murky depths I’d never surveyed or tried to expose to the sunlight. There were nameless fears down there, and painful experiences I’d carefully banned from my consciousness, and needs I dimly sensed could upend my entire life if I let them escape. It was safer to keep them all contained — to live without the rewards so I didn’t have to take the risks. Yet Graham’s kiss, and his grip anchoring my body, somehow made those risks seem a little more possible to tolerate.

I didn’t want to stop, but we were very much starting to break the rule about what we were allowed to do alone, so with effort I separated our mouths just far enough to speak.

“We haven’t talked about this with Avery yet,” I pointed out on a rushed breath.

Graham didn’t fight me, but he didn’t remove his hands, and his breathing had quickened too. “Maybe we should.”

“Yeah.” Soon.

We exchanged air for another few moments, then he pressed a final chaste kiss to my lips and stepped back a little, letting the energetic force field dissipate. I filled my lungs completely and tried to regain my bearings.

“I don’t want to keep you from your alone time,” he said in a more casual manner. “But I thought maybe I could stay and hang out for a while.”

I hesitated, gaging his motives, but he laughed and raised his palms toward me in the classic gesture demonstrating no weapons held. “I’ll keep my hands off, I promise. I can sit on the opposite side of the room if you prefer. Or feel free to kick me out. I just haven’t gotten to see you much one-on-one lately. Thought this might be a good opportunity.”

“Alright,” I said, the pit of my stomach still unnervingly unsettled. It felt like agreeing to a first date with a new crush, or maybe a third date. Like I had no idea what might happen, even though Graham and I had been alone many times during the past eight months.

“You need to finish your notes?”

I closed the notebook and returned it to the stack. “Tomorrow is fine.”

We ended up on the quilted bedspread, me sitting against the headboard on the side where I usually slept, and him safely settled at the far edge, sprawled on one hip and an elbow propped beneath his shoulder. We talked for a while about less consequential topics: winter weather in Louisiana versus southern California; theories about who was raiding from the east and how to neutralize them; and Rae’s latest feud — with a council member who’d opposed one of the other captain’s proposals, after Rae had reportedly made some unflattering comments about the member’s husband at a private party.

“She can get loose when she drinks,” Graham said from his position near the foot of the bed, “but Hector was there, and he didn’t think Rae said anything that was untrue. Cormier’s husband did hit on her last month, when he offered to ‘walk her home’ from the main hall at an unsociable hour.”

“I suppose he has a right to hit on anyone he wants,” I replied. “But that’s between him and his wife. I don’t know why Cormier needs to take that out on Rae. Still, your Captain Larsen seems to have an uncanny talent for making enemies, especially out of other women.”

“Can’t deny that. She gets along way better with men. I think her mom passed on a lot of baggage, and she died before Rae was old enough to unlearn much of it.”

“I haven’t noticed she gets along particularly well with me,” I commented, which prompted a smile.

“You’re a little too buttoned-up for her taste. She does fine with Avery. They had this whole bit going at the card game the other night — it was hilarious.”

“No doubt,” was my dry reply.

“You’d know if you’d been there,” Graham returned playfully.

“Do you actually think I would have found it amusing?”

His grin widened. “Well…maybe not.”

“Exactly.”

“Come on, Julian,” he appealed. “I know she’s wilder than you tend to prefer, but if you two got to know each other, I think you could find common ground. Once she’s bonded with someone, she’s loyal to the death. Look at her and Rowan.”

“I’m not really in the market for new friends. I’m quite content with the four or five I have,” I joked at my own expense, though it wasn’t incorrect.

“But she’s my friend,” he coaxed. “I want her to see how special you are.”

Something inside me glowed like steel in the forge, but I kept my voice level. “Doesn’t she trust your judgment?”

He shrugged with the shoulder he wasn’t leaning on, and by his expression, it seemed I may have uncovered an actual bone of contention between them. “I think it’s easier for her to understand why I like Avery, than why I like you.”

It was quiet for a moment while I weighed my response. “I guess Rae and I have something in common after all.”

Graham’s head tilted to fix me with a look both sympathetic and appraising. Then he sat up, though he didn’t approach.

“I’ve always wondered why you keep me at a distance, when we connect so well,” he said quietly. “Both literal distance” — he gestured to the expanse of bed between us — “and emotional.” He studied me some more. “Do you truly doubt my reasons for wanting this relationship? Or is that just what you tell yourself, to avoid getting more involved?”

I didn’t look away, despite his direct hit. This was the kind of question Avery would rarely be secure and self-aware enough to ask. I wasn’t sure whether to feel anxious, offended, or relieved.

“It isn’t easy for me to…care about someone,” I settled on as a compromise.

“You think it’s easy for me?” Graham countered.

This time I shrugged. “Truthfully, I’ve seen no sign that it isn’t.”

“Julian, I know I’m a pretty laid-back guy, but my heart’s made of flesh just like anyone else’s. I will be as patient with you as I need to be, but that doesn’t make it…less difficult…to want to be with you, and not be able to.”

Maybe it was unfair of me, but this conversation was veering into hazardous territory. “Two weeks ago, you wanted to be with Jade.”

He stared at me for another moment, then he sighed, sounding frustrated. “Yes. I know. I made a bad call, and you’re going to punish me for who knows how long, because Major Demos doesn’t make allowances for mistakes. Get it right, or don’t bother showing up tomorrow,” he parodied almost bitterly. “But I need it to be clear that I always wanted to be with you, ever since you first invited me for sex. Especially after what happened between us on your anniversary. I tried being with Jade because I thought…” He broke off with an outrush of breath. “I believed it was a more realistic possibility. But it wasn’t any easier for me to be apart from you during those months, than it is now.”

A pang of guilt struck me unexpectedly. I hadn’t actually considered that my reticence might be causing him pain.

“And while we’re talking about this,” he added, “it’s probably worth mentioning — not to cast blame, but just to help you understand — that if you’d shown any openness to a serious relationship with me in the fall, I might not have felt a need to seek one elsewhere.”

That possibility I had considered. It haunted me at night after he and Avery had fallen asleep: the chance that I might have been able to prevent my husband’s broken heart, had I been less selfish with my own. Maybe neither of them deserved the excuses I kept making.

I let my lungs empty all the way before capitulating. “Just…come over here,” I told Graham, indicating the patch of quilt beside me.

He didn’t move. “Is that actually what you want?”

“Yes,” I sighed again.

He moved to mirror my position at the headboard, letting his shoulder and drawn-up knees come to rest against mine. I turned the lamp down to one of its lowest settings, softening the room’s textures and shielding us in shadow. The captain grabbed one of the spare blankets and spread it over our legs to ward off the late-evening chill.

I let the quiet, fragile intimacy settle in for the space of a few breaths. Closeness for its own sake scared me much more than sexual congress. His respirations and radiation heated the air while I gathered courage. He seemed to be waiting for me to speak, and I supposed it was my turn to trust him with some vulnerability.

“I wasn’t intending to punish you,” I confided. “I just don’t know…how to do this.”

“How to do what?” he asked, his tone gentler too.

“Be with someone. Other than Avery.”

“If you can be with Avery, you can be with me,” he pointed out — encouraging, not argumentative. “Besides, you’ve been with other people before: Nico, Sala…”

I shook my head. “It isn’t the same. Even when I got together with Avery, that was over four years ago, and under particular circumstances. I have…more to lose, than I did when I was younger. And you’re different from my husband, and from my ex-boyfriends.”

Graham seemed to consider for a moment, then he cautiously reached for my hand where it was clasped at my knee. A terrifying thrill hit my stomach, but I let him match our palms and wrap his fingers around mine. With my hand secured in his strong yet tender grip, an even more terrifying warmth filled my chest and expanded outward until the whole universe seemed filled with lightness: vertigo and transcendence on an infinite scale.

“This isn’t something you do, Julian,” Graham corrected softly. “This is something we do, together. I’ll be with you the whole way, and so will Avery. There aren’t rules, except for ones we decide to create. So what is it you think you need to know?”

My throat had gone dry, but I didn’t want this fear to keep us separated anymore. “How to…handle being so…unprotected.”

He squeezed my hand supportively. “I went over this with your husband, didn’t I? I’ve learned my lesson. I’m not going anywhere.”

My head shook again. “It’s not about you leaving.” Not primarily, although the fact that his home was wherever the military sent him constituted its own set of risks. “It’s about…” I cut off and took a steadying breath. “It’s about being known. Not being able to hide. How I feel, what I want. Things my husband isn’t aware of. Things I don’t like about myself — that I can’t even bear to look at.”

“Sweetheart…” The captain pronounced the new endearment as gently as when I used it with Avery. “I understand. You’ll know all those things about me too, but we won’t want to use them to hurt each other. It might happen once in a while, accidentally, or when we have an especially bad day. But mostly, it’ll just mean I can take care of you.” Graham looked at my face in the low lighting. “Don’t you want that?”

The unknowns presented in that question went far beyond first-date jitters. I clung to his hand, feeling like a newly-assigned paratrooper ordered to jump out of a plane over enemy territory, with no map and little understanding of what the mission even was. I’d reach the ground alone, surrounded by foreign threats, navigating unfamiliar terrain with nothing but a theoretical framework for how to find my unit and accomplish our tactical goals.

Anyone with a healthy regard for their own life would experience visceral panic in that moment. Which is why paratrooper training focused so heavily on competitive camaraderie and shared identity. Refusal to make the jump would result in expulsion from the division, and that knowledge was usually enough to override the self-preservation instinct.

I faced a similar choice: take the leap with Graham, or lose my chance to be part of this unique three-person unit — with the person I already loved most in the world, and with this man who knew my past as well as my present and was so generously offering to share my future. When I weighed those risks against each other, I knew which one to prioritize.

“I hardly know what it would be like,” I told the captain, barely above a whisper. “I’m…quite unskilled…at being taken care of. I’m not like Avery: I’m not very cuddly, or very emotional. I’ll need space, even on my best days. You’ll still have to be patient with me.” I swallowed the fear-induced saliva from my mouth. “But yes. I — want to try.”

Graham brought our hands up so he could kiss the back of mine. “I’m so glad, Julian. We’re going to be so happy — you and me and Avery. And of course, I know you and he have different personalities and ways of relating. I don’t prefer one to the other. Taking care of you means figuring out what you need to feel safe and supported, which doesn’t have to be what anyone else needs. And if that’s more space, you can always tell me. Although,” he finished with more buoyancy, “I’d love to spoon with you sometime. You can be the big spoon, since you are taller.”

I had to laugh a little at his eagerness. “We’ll see.”

“Can I at least –?” He turned his upper body more toward me and shifted so he could lean his head on my shoulder. Then he sighed in what sounded like contentment. “Is this too much cuddling? Because I’ll move if it is.”

I measured his solid body against my side, his cropped hair at my neck, and his hand still pressed into mine. Strength bent to tenderness; maturity channeled into commitment. Improbably real and undeniably present. “No, it’s alright.”

“Just alright?” he asked, disarmingly at ease. “Not amazing and wonderful? This is already one of my new favorite memories.”

Stress I hadn’t realized I was still carrying drained from my muscles on the next exhale. “It is…pretty nice.”

“You ol’ softie,” he teased fondly.

“Mm hm,” I agreed in the same tone.

We stayed there for a while, talking idly, securely tethered by our joined hands and by the new definition of our relationship. When Graham left, he kissed me briefly at the door.

“You’ll ask Avery about changing the rules?” he reminded meaningfully.

“Yeah. I can’t guess how he’ll feel, but we can at least discuss it.”

“Ok. Goodnight, Julian. See you tomorrow.”

“Night.”

I was still lying awake, wrapped in replays and daydreams cozier than the quilt, by the time Avery got home.

* * * * *

Graham:

Over the next few days, no one re-opened the subject of adjusting our sex restrictions, so I decided to have a conversation with Avery myself. The time I’d spent alone with Julian, and the communication line we’d been able to open, had been an incredibly beneficial investment. I was eager to get some bonding in with Avery, too, now that we’d moved into what I hoped was a more secure phase of our relationship. During these last few weeks, I’d really only seen him for work and with Julian. Since he had watch duty in the evening again — this time his scheduled rotation — I checked the roster for his location. Spare time was hard to come by when every day was a battle for survival, so I used to join him for part of his shift sometimes, back in the summer. Once I’d wrapped up my own duties for the day, I set out on the shadowy forest path to join him.

It was still strange to think that although I’d lived and worked all over the western part of the country, from Puget Sound to California’s fertile Central Valley to the deserts of Nevada, and trekked every mountain range from the Cascades to the mighty Rockies — not to mention my journey through Fort Worth to Shreveport — Avery had spent his entire life in the woods of Louisiana. He hadn’t been more than 250 kilometers from his birthplace, whereas I was currently 3000 kilometers from mine. He’d never even laid eyes on the ocean, despite growing up in a coastal state. He knew nothing of crashing surf, towering peaks, flowing prairies, or barren rock formations, except for faded photos he’d seen in Fort Laurel’s outdated library.

If a person had to confine a lifetime to one region, though, the Piney Woods were a solid choice. The ecosystem was deceptively diverse, interspersing evergreens with oaks, gums, and shorter flowering species. The trees were cut by a network of streams and bayous draining into the nearby Mississippi, mixing wetland diversity into the upland forests. Although many of the trees and shrubs were leafless now, plenty were not. When I’d first arrived here in early summer, the towering trunks had anchored a stunning tapestry fluttering with a million overlapping shades of green, which shifted as the sun moved through the sky, from pale spring tones in the morning to deeper emerald shades in the evening. A limitless palette of natural splendor.

At this hour, the forest canopy was silhouetted against the star-studded backdrop of space, and only the faintest hint of texture was visible by the waxing gibbous moon. It was a decent walk to Avery’s post tonight, above the mostly-empty creek bed to the south. I called for him when I got close so he wouldn’t be alarmed, then I approached the ladder to the platform where he was perched in one of the older trees.

“What’s wrong?” the Avery-shaped outline above me asked with anxious urgency. Despite the work I knew he’d done over the years to counter his trauma-ingrained tendencies, worry still usually seemed to be the first place he went when anything out of the ordinary happened.

“Nothing,” I assured him. “Just thought you might like some company.”

“Ok,” he conceded, so I grabbed the wooden hand-holds and started the climb up.

Once I’d emerged on his level, the low-contrast moonlight didn’t show much of his expression, but his body language seemed wary, like he was still waiting for me to announce that someone had died.

“Avery, really — nothing’s wrong. I’m only here to see you.”

His reply sounded suspicious. “Kind of a hike just for that, when you already saw me earlier.”

“Well earlier, there were other people around. I wanted to see you.”

There was a pause before he answered, much less enthused than I’d expected. “I’m only on until midnight. You could have come over when I got back.”

It hadn’t occurred to me that the lack of one-on-one time since I rejoined the relationship might have been intentional. “If you’re not comfortable with me being here, I can see you later instead,” I offered. “Or tomorrow. Not a problem.”

It looked like he shrugged in the dark. “It’s fine.”

“It’s alright if it’s not. I know this is still new. I didn’t mean to catch you off guard.”

“I just…wasn’t expecting you.”

“I’ll make sure to give you a heads up next time,” I promised, feeling bad for accidentally causing him any amount of distress.

“No, it’s fine. Sorry.”

I stepped over, careful not to startle him, and laid a reassuring hand at his shoulder. “No reason for you to be sorry, little one.”

He let me move in for a kiss, and I made sure to keep it brief.

“So how’s it going?” I asked, settling at one end of the small platform so I could help keep an eye out for danger.

He sat cross-legged as well, hips parallel to mine but facing the opposite direction so we could see each other and the forest at the same time. “Nothing exciting so far. Which is the goal, I guess.”

“Rae wanted to make sure I reminded you about the card game tomorrow, since we had to reschedule. She had a lot of fun with you last week.”

There was a hint of smile in his reply. “Yeah. Me too.”

“Will Rowan be able to make it?”

“She’s got a patient she expects to go into labor anytime, but she would probably only get involved if there was a serious enough complication to interest her. Emma can deliver most babies, and Vik usually handles the rest.”

“You talk to him lately?” I asked, curious. I hadn’t spent a ton of time with the doctor; just a few group expeditions I’d joined with Julian and Avery, and the occasional chat at dinner or community events. Vik was clearly a caring person and provided a crucial service for the community, but I didn’t feel any particular connection with him, other than my gratitude that he’d paved the way for me. Still, I was rather fascinated by his former and ongoing relationships with my two partners, especially Avery. It seemed surprising they’d shared the strong chemistry I’d heard so much about, given how different Vik was from me.

I knew he and Avery had remained close friends, and I imagined I’d been the subject of several discussions by now. Would have given a lot to be a fly on the wall for those. As open as Avery was with his physical affection, verbal communication continued to be much less abundant.

“Uh, not a lot,” he said. “Been pretty busy with you.”

I knew I was being nosy, but I asked anyway. “He take the news ok, about us getting together?”

Avery sounded self-conscious again. “Yeah — why wouldn’t he?”

I shrugged. “It just sounded like, from what you’ve said, he might have wanted the kind of relationship we have, but you and Julian didn’t reciprocate. So I didn’t know if Vik might…resent me.”

“He’s really not a resentful type of person. And he and Gavin are like soulmates, so there would be nothing to resent.” There was a brief pause. “He’s happy for me, and for Julian. I’m sure he’s happy for you too.”

“Ok. Good.” I still wondered if there might be more to the story, but either Avery was oblivious to it, or he was protecting Vik’s privacy, which he had every right to do.

It was quiet for a moment — the kind of deep silence you only get in the middle of nowhere, away from people and livestock and machines. Even the insects had nothing to say, at this time of year.

I opened my mouth to start another sentence, but Avery spoke at the same time.

“You might as well just say why you’re here.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, confused by his accusatory tone.

“I know you didn’t come all this way, during the only time I would be alone, just to make small talk.”

“Ok…” I didn’t understand why he seemed offended. “I did want to ask you about something.”

“So ask me,” he insisted when I didn’t proceed.

Maybe surprising him at his post hadn’t been a great idea. I looked at him for a moment, but with nothing brighter than the moonlight, I couldn’t see enough to clue me in.

“I was going to ask if Julian talked to you about changing our rules for sex…but it seems like you already know that.”

“He talked to me,” was the uninformative response.

“Look, if you’d rather not discuss this, we don’t have to. I just thought it would be helpful for me to hear your thoughts. It’s fine, whatever they are.”

There was still an unfriendly edge to his voice. “You could have said something when the three of us were at home last night.”

“You could have too. Either of you.”

“But we didn’t, so you decided to ambush me out here?”

I abandoned my watch for enemies in the forest and turned to face my inexplicably belligerent boyfriend. “Avery, what is going on? I wasn’t trying to ambush you. I’ve hung out with you on duty before, and you didn’t have an issue then. Why are you angry with me? You know how much I care about you; I obviously wouldn’t do anything on purpose to upset you. Can we please take this down a notch, and you can explain what I’ve done wrong?”

In the silence that followed, I heard Avery pull in and release an intentional breath, then a second.

“Sorry,” he said for the second time in ten minutes. “I guess this subject…and you showing up like this…brought up some stuff.”

I made my voice calmer. “Usually we’ve been able to talk about sex pretty easily. I wouldn’t have raised the question, and definitely not in this context, if I’d realized it would be a problem. So I’m sorry I didn’t plan better for that possibility.”

His only response was another slow release of his lungs, an apparent attempt to restore equilibrium.

“Would you be able to tell me what bothers you about this? I’d like to understand, so we can work it out.”

It took a minute, and though he spoke hesitantly, I was encouraged that he decided to answer.

“I kind of…have a thing about…worrying that someone only wants me for sex.” I was still trying to figure out how that connected when he went on. “With the three of us, it never really seemed like that, but when Julian told me you wanted to change the rule, it made me think maybe it was more about sex after all.”

I wanted immediately to relieve his concern, but he didn’t seem finished speaking, so I forced myself to patience.

“And then you show up here, saying you want to hang out with me, when actually you had a different reason — to corner me away from Julian, to convince me to let you have sex with us whenever you want…” The wounded, guarded edge to his voice hit me like a gut punch. “Feels like you’re just trying to get something from me.”

“Baby, I’m so sorry,” I told him passionately, feeling horrible that I’d somehow managed to come across as a coercive creep, especially to someone whose well-being meant so much to me. “That wasn’t my goal at all. When I hung out alone with Julian the other night, it really helped us, so I thought it might be good for you and me too. I wanted to talk with you about the sex rules, but only to have a discussion and see how you felt. Not to get you to agree to anything. I was trying to avoid making you think I was just here for one reason. Clearly I messed it up.”

Avery wasn’t looking at me, not that the darkness would have let me see much if he were. I wanted so badly to gather him into my arms, but I couldn’t until I fixed this.

“I would have hoped you knew this already,” I told him. “But let me say it anyway: I would never want anything from you that I had to get by manipulating you in any way. Especially when it comes to sex. No one wants you to do anything until you’re ready. And again, I am very sorry I made you feel that way.”

His face turned toward me finally, and to my great relief, when I held out an arm, he accepted the offer of my embrace.

“I’m sorry, Avery,” I repeated more softly, caressing my palm between his shoulder blades while his head rested against mine. “I love you. I would still love you if you never had sex with me again.”

He swallowed hard, and then I heard the miraculous whisper for the first time. “I love you too.”

I held him tightly, overwhelmed by his willingness to offer me the infinitely precious gift of his heart. I would have done anything at that moment to protect him from whatever experiences had seeded these fears. I knew it was unrealistic to think I could completely avoid causing him pain as we grew in this relationship together. There would be too much I didn’t know, or wasn’t careful enough about. But I was going to try my damnedest.

Eventually he sighed and straightened, but he didn’t move from beside me, so I kept one hand at his lean back.

“I’m really sorry I disrupted your night,” I felt compelled to tell him again. “I had no idea the conversation would go like this.”

Blessedly, Avery nudged my shoulder and almost smiled. “You can stop apologizing, Graham. I’m ok.”

It was a relief to hear him say my name. I still felt I hadn’t adequately expressed my remorse, but I quelled the impulse. “Ok.”

I waited to see if he wanted to address the original question, and after a minute he did.

“I don’t think I’m ready to changes the rules yet,” he confessed quietly. “It doesn’t really make sense, because we’ve already had sex tons of times, and I — we –” He stopped, maybe to avoid saying the L-word again. “I know we’re…together. It just feels different, for us to be alone.”

That was disappointing, but I could see why it might feel too soon, when our relationship had only been official for a few weeks. Especially after what had just happened. Laying more groundwork was probably smart.

“I understand,” I told him. “Thank you for telling me. You’re the only one who knows what’s right for you. We can always talk more about it, whenever you want.”

He didn’t say anything, so I gave his back more affectionate caresses.

“Can I ask — is that also how you feel about me and Julian being alone?”

“I’m…not sure, about that.” I remained quiet until he went on. “I used to be paranoid about him leaving me for Vik, and that was before I even knew Vik had literally propositioned him. When we started hooking up, Julian was super careful at first, to avoid even touching Vik, so I wouldn’t have a reason to worry, but I still ended up having a meltdown about it.”

This was the kind of conversation I’d been hoping to have. I kept listening while Avery continued.

“But eventually I realized that whether or not Julian was interested in someone else had nothing to do with whether he loved me and wanted to be married to me. Then it didn’t bother me at all, when he did stuff with Vik. It made me feel good, that Julian was getting to have fun and do things he couldn’t with only me. And that’s how it’s been with you and him. I haven’t been jealous. It would just be different, that I wouldn’t be there. I always was, with Vik.”

“We will certainly respect your feelings about it,” I affirmed. “It helps to know where you’re at.”

Avery’s voice turned more shy. “You…want to? Sleep with him alone?”

“I do,” I told him honestly. “But it’s not about leaving you out.” I pondered for a moment how to explain. “You and I are similar in some ways, but I think my connection with you is more similar to Julian’s with you, whereas Julian’s connection with me is quite different from his with you. Which mostly has to do with the fact that I’m older than him, I share his background, and I know about his past — as in, not because he’s told me, but because I was there. I’ve witnessed his career highs and lows, I was acquainted with his family, and there’s a lot I can understand without him needing to try to explain. So there’s a different side of him that I only see when we’re alone, and I’d like to see more of it.”

“Well that makes me kind of jealous. But not in a bad way. I just wish I got to know him like that.”

“Every relationship brings out a certain dimension in someone. And I think that’s what’s brilliant about a triad — you get to express multiple dimensions at the same time.”

“That’s true,” Avery agreed. I wondered if he was going to ask if I wanted to sleep with him alone, but he didn’t. “Will you stay for a while?” he asked instead.

“Of course, baby. I can stay for the rest of your shift, if you’d like.”

“Yeah. Maybe.” By his tone, he was remembering the alarming experience from earlier, when he’d thought I was trying to take advantage of him.

I swallowed another apology. “Did you want to ask me anything else? Or should we move on?”

We did end up moving on from the subject, and I did stay until midnight. As much as I’d regretted coming to visit him during those first few minutes, I was very thankful afterward.

The final week of January was a bustle of long days tethered around conference tables or trekking through the dormant woods, relieved by sweet hours spent with my two lovers, in conversation or in bed. Between training, resupply, recon, and preparing for spring offensives, we didn’t have a lot of downtime, unlike the leafless trees and vines.

A supply convoy arrived at the Barksdale base that week, after crawling its way along the deserted southern interstate from Fort Worth. I took a joint force of soldiers and Fort Laurel civilians to pick up our portion from the depot at Coushatta, on the banks of Red River a day’s march west. The town was in ruins now, but it controlled the most usable bridge still standing for thirty kilometers in either direction, so we kept a garrison in readiness there.

Avery met us at sundown to help unload, then he followed me to the main hall for a late dinner. It wasn’t until he took a place beside me at one of the long oak benches that I realized he hadn’t picked up any food.

“You didn’t want anything?” I asked, my own bowl heaped with spicy lentil stew and cornbread.

The shrug he returned was nonchalant, but the subtly shy smile and quick, transparent glance betrayed his motives. “I ate earlier.”

My expression softened along with the center of my chest. “You didn’t have to come with me, then. I’m perfectly capable of eating on my own.”

“I know,” he told me, as if it wasn’t already obvious that he had no interest in being anywhere else. When I reached my free arm to squeeze his shoulders, he gravitated even closer, and I pressed my lips briefly at his temple.

Julian returned from reviewing his own guards and joined us a few minutes later, devouring his dinner with the speed habitual to the armed forces. Nothing haunts those frigid nights on emergency patrol like the memory of a hot meal wasted.

“Are you free for another half-hour or so?” I directed across the table. “We could use your eyes on some of the equipment we just picked up. It’s not what I’m used to working with, but it’s all they could manage to ferry out to this godforsaken swamp.”

Julian returned my good-natured complaint with his own brand of sardonic teasing. “You’ve been living here for eight months. Haven’t you noticed yet that we’re quite far from any swamps?”

“Nowhere that’s not a swamp has a right to be this damned muddy all the time,” I informed him with a grin.

“Yes, I’m free,” was all he said in reply, but the faint curve of his full lips and depth of glimmer around his aquamarine irises added a great deal of meaning that kept me distracted for several moments.

“You’re welcome to join us, Avery,” I invited when I refocused. The younger man had stayed near enough to maintain continuous physical contact, even if it was just his knee or elbow resting against me. Which he often did, regardless of the setting. And which I never discouraged.

“I would, but I told Lamont I could help him turn the compost piles tonight, so I’ll do that while you’re gone.”

“Sounds good.”

Julian walked with me toward the large tent on base where specialists were still unpacking the gear we’d received from Barksdale. He was a true triple threat of elite education, extensive field experience, and well-above-average native abilities, so even though he no longer actively served in the military, my job would have been far more difficult without his constant availability as a sounding board. The pair of enlisted service members posted at the gate snapped a salute and bid us good evening as we passed, waiting for my answering salute before returning to attention.

The settlement had quieted down for the evening by the time we headed back, with lights burning in most of the domicile windows and only the occasional resident coming and going along the main pathways between fire pits. We made a detour to check the status of repairs to a section of the southern stockade, which had been damaged when a recent thunderstorm felled an ancient tree on top of it, knocking down a key watchtower. We could have avoided that threat by clear-cutting the interior of the fort, but that would have significantly decreased the natural rate of rain absorption, leading to more problems with flooding. A tradeoff no one wanted to make, given the strength of tropical storms coming off the Gulf in the twenty-second century.

Julian and I examined the newly-placed beams by flashlight and determined which ones could bear our weight before climbing up. The top of the tower was unfinished and wasn’t yet manned, but we could see the next set of sentries a few dozen meters away on either side.

“You and Avery seem to be getting along well,” my companion commented once we’d dropped back to the ground, his handsome Mediterranean features distantly lit by the flickering orange flames.

I leaned one shoulder against the rough-hewn wall. “God, Julian, I honestly don’t understand how it’s possible that we both ended up here, exactly where he happened to be. I thought I’d been in love before, but Avery’s…truly special. What he’s chosen to give me… I can’t even describe what it means to me.”

Julian’s reply was rich with congenial amusement. “I am familiar with the feeling.”

No one was nearby, so I moved closer and spoke more earnestly. “Thank you, seriously. For being willing to share. Most people wouldn’t even consider it.”

“It isn’t a sacrifice. It pleases me to see him so happy.” His voice grew softer, more intimate. “And you.”

The need to kiss him struck from deep in my belly. I laid one hand at the back of his neck, angled his head down, and melded my lips to his. He responded with the tentative eagerness I’d come to expect — his mouth welcoming, unresisting, yet still held in check. Unwilling or unable to fully give himself to me.

“For the record,” I pulled away enough to murmur, “if you think your strong-and-silent act is keeping me from falling just as much in love with you…it isn’t.”

He stared at me for a moment, and then he was kissing me again, but now with force and tongue and hands pulling me tight to his body. I followed suit, gripping him heedlessly, while something in my rib cage went soaring into the stratosphere. We were both hot and hard and breathing heavy by the time we managed to pry our mouths apart.

“I want you,” he whispered against my jaw.

“I want you too,” I assured him, the craving stark in my voice.

His head tilted back so he could see my face, and his inflection changed. “Inside,” he said, as if it were a clarification.

It took my lust-addled brain a second to interpret, but when I did, a nuclear-strength explosion of heat surged through me. I couldn’t afford to make assumptions about something this important, though. “You want…what inside?”

Without hesitation, he slid a hand between our hips to palm my erection. “You.”

Fucking hell. I was already throbbing, and he wasn’t even doing anything. “Take me home then,” I managed to get out, and after another core-melting kiss, he did.

Avery was there when we arrived, thankfully. Julian asked him to step outside for a moment, so I didn’t get to hear what was said, but it only made sense that they’d want a private discussion before taking this unprecedented step with me. Meanwhile I sat at the edge of the bed, stewing in nerves and anticipation that bordered on queasiness. I was about to be only the second person ever to consensually penetrate him, and remembering what made that so difficult — the horrific violence he’d suffered at the hands of our classmates — turned my stomach. Avery had told me that his first attempt at topping Julian had been pretty rocky. They’d worked through it, and by now Julian had a fair amount of experience receiving, but still. There was no guaranteeing what would happen with someone who wasn’t his husband.

When the door opened again, I searched anxiously for cues, but they both appeared at ease. Avery sat beside me, and though he didn’t say anything, his self-conscious expression conveyed pride above anything else.

“You ok with this, little one?” I prompted.

“Yeah, of course. I’m…really happy for you guys.” He glanced across me to where Julian waited, passion once again corralled beneath a veneer of patience. “I offered to leave so he can be with you alone, but he asked me to stay. Would you…mind?”

“Not at all,” I replied fondly, then turned to Julian. “Whatever you need, please tell us, alright?” I could have said more, offered more explicit support, but I didn’t want to overburden the moment. Just because I knew he was a survivor, that didn’t mean it was my place to bring his painful experiences to the forefront or to treat him like he was made of glass. It was probably best to let him lead.

He nodded without engaging the subject. “I’ve already apologized to Avery for breaking the rules.”

“Oh, right.” I directed a contrite look toward the aggrieved party. “I am sorry. I’m the newcomer — I take full responsibility.”

Our younger partner shrugged without meeting my gaze. “Bound to happen eventually,” was his only comment.

“Anything either of you wants to discuss?” I asked next. It had always been our custom to go through plans, preferences, and limits before starting new sexual activities.

Avery looked to his husband before cautiously answering. “I would just suggest that Julian be on top, at least to start out with. It might…go better, that way.”

“I would prefer that as well,” I said. “Unless you feel differently, Julian.”

“No, that’s…fine.”

He’d gone wary, as if the memories driving his need to avoid exposure had raised an automatic shield, so I reached for his face, and he allowed me to pull him into a gentle kiss. Gradually he warmed to me again, until his mouth was as hungry as mine.

I moved back and stroked his cheek, my heart hammering my ribs. I intended to say something encouraging, but suddenly I found I couldn’t trust my voice. No words seemed sufficient to convey the magnitude of what I was about to share with this man I’d admired for so many years.

Instead, I pulled my tank top over my head and undid my pants so I could shuck them off. Then I lit one of the candles, switched off the lamp, and found the supplies. By the time I’d folded back the covers, Julian was bare and climbing in beside me.

I lay on my side facing him, and he did likewise. At first, all I could do was gaze at his sculpted shoulders and torso with their intricate inked adornments. It still beggared belief that someone so perfectly fashioned could actually belong to me, yet here he was. Watching me in the candle’s shifting glow. Waiting for me to plunder his most secret place.

Reverently I stroked fingers across the hard muscle of his chest, pausing to trace the leather cord and polished brown semicircle pendant that represented his marriage. At his back, close but not encroaching, Avery wore its mate, a blue stone forming the other half of the circle. Even though it had nothing to do with me, something about Julian’s choice to eschew traditional metal rings in favor of hand-crafted necklaces — personalized to the exact color of each spouse’s eyes — strummed my heartstrings. Before I came to Louisiana, I never would have guessed he was capable of such a romantic gesture.

“If you want to slow down, or change your mind at any time, just let me know, Major,” I told him softly.

In answer, he pulled me toward him, finding my lips and pressing our bodies together. All at once I stopped caring about the burden of his past or the history we were trying to make. There was only him: the nakedness of his flesh against mine; desire fueled by trust; surrender on a level far more precious than physical. I hadn’t realized how intensely I’d been yearning for this kind of raw, unbounded connection with him.

Sooner than I expected, I found myself on my back with Julian straddling my thighs. When he reached for the lube and poured some into his palm, another kick of excitement hit my stomach.

“You don’t — want my fingers?” I asked unsteadily as his slick fist slid over my rock-solid shaft, painting sensual delight everywhere he made contact. He’d let Avery finger him in front of me once, and god had it been hot to watch Julian open his legs and take the digits up his ass. Plus how hard he’d come with his husband caressing that magic spot inside. I’d thought he might prefer to warm up that way.

“Not tonight.” His hand lingered for another few strokes, massaging in the oil extra-thoroughly and sending ripples of need through my center, until finally he shifted forward and suspended himself over me.

“Take your time, ok?” I’d always liked this position because it left both of my hands free; I ran them across his powerful deltoids and down his arms. “I won’t move until you say I can.”

He gave me a quick nod, and then his sphincter was stretching around the tip of my eager organ.

“Oh, yes –” I couldn’t help exclaiming as his tight channel swallowed the first couple centimeters. The velvety heat and compression felt amazing, and the mindfuck was just as intense: Major Julian Demos, military royalty, a revolutionary revered or hated by tens of thousands, was taking my cock up his ass.

I watched in awe while he tensed and released, thrust and withdrew, until his body had yielded enough to bury me deep within. He stayed there for a minute, box breathing and waiting for his muscles to adjust. Despite how distracting the encompassing pleasure of his back chamber was, I kept diligently still and reminded myself that this was much more about him than it was about me.

“How are you doing?” I asked. “Is this feeling ok?” I’d kept my hands resting on him, hoping that would ground him without being overly stimulating.

“Yeah,” he agreed tersely.

“If you lean down a little more, I can kiss you, but feel free to stay wherever is comfortable.”

There was another hesitation before he brought his torso more parallel to mine so I could reach his mouth. That put very exciting pressure on my sheathed cock, but I was careful not to make any motion that could hurt or startle him. These kisses were as emotionally fervent as they were lustful, and I thought my chest might explode from the profound, multi-dimensional experience of being so intimately joined with him.

“You can move,” he told me after a minute, and I noted that he was only partially erect.

I ran my palm over the expanse of his back, the tattooed lines permanently engraved yet imperceptible to the touch. “I can let you do it.”

He shook his head. “Want you to.”

“Tell me if I need to back off or do anything differently,” I requested and got another nod of confirmation.

I settled my hands at his hips, both for control and so I could feel how he was responding. Cautiously I pulled out a bit and thrust back into his channel, then did it again. Lord, it was good to massage my rod inside his muscular ass, the sensation so much more intense than any other form of sex, even vaginal. Exhilarating bliss coursed through me, as much psychological as physical. Yet when I focused on my partner, the pattern of his labored breathing indicated distress rather than excitement, and though he’d dropped his head to where I couldn’t really read his expression, the lines of his body had grown strained.

“Julian?” I asked with concern, pausing my motion. “Hey, what’s wrong?” The last thing I wanted was to create a new traumatic memory with my own penetrating tool.

He merely ground his hips against mine. “Don’t stop,” he said in a tense voice that didn’t reassure me at all.

I didn’t resume thrusting. “If this is upsetting you…”

“I don’t — want you to stop,” he insisted, still breathing too shallow, as if he were fighting a battle with enemies I couldn’t see.

I vacillated, trying to figure out what would do the least damage — obeying his verbal instructions, or listening to his body’s signals — until he turned to my left, where his partner had been observing unobtrusively.

“Avery –” he appealed, and when I followed his gaze, they appeared to be having one of their silent exchanges.

“It’s ok, Graham,” Avery concluded. He moved closer so he could lay a hand between Julian’s shoulder blades, but his words were directed at me. “He’s not upset. He needs you.”

Well, Avery had done this plenty of times, so I figured his read would be accurate. I returned my attention to the man I was impaling and let my hands drift soothingly over his skin. Compassion and admiration filled me, that Julian wanted to be with me badly enough to face the demons that still awakened when someone invaded his body. I could only imagine how horrible that original experience must have been, if it was still affecting him eighteen years later. Of all his exceptional achievements, overcoming that assault was surely one of the most significant.

“It’s alright,” I murmured as reassuringly as I could. “I’m here.” I still worried about causing more harm, but I didn’t want to contravene his stated wishes, so I started moving again — short, rocking strokes that would provide stimulation without being aggressive.

He responded well, syncing into rhythm with me and drawing his head toward mine, as if seeking more affection.

Encouraged, I gave it to him, with my hands and my voice and apparently also with my cock in his ass. My fingers combed the short textured strands of his dark hair, which I’d always suspected would be curly if he ever let them grow long enough. “I’ve got you, sweetheart. You’re safe with me. I would never hurt you.”

At that last sentence, I heard some kind of hitching gasp, like he was suppressing a surge of emotion, maybe even a sob. With that clue, I started to put the pieces together. The gruesome attack on his teenage body had stolen his sense of autonomy, which left him feeling raped even when cognitively he knew our encounter was consensual. He needed me to prove that violating him this way would not lead to exploitation or brutality. That I cared for him enough to respect his boundaries despite having him in this most compromising of positions.

I pulled him closer into my body and drove a little more forcefully into the chamber he’d kept off-limits for so long. “I would never hurt you, Julian,” I repeated. “Not sexually, or physically, or any other way. I’m yours just as much as you’re mine. It makes no difference which one of us is on top or inside. Can you believe that?”

He nodded slightly, and tender devotion squeezed my chest. I worked one hand between our hips and found that his cock was hard, which sent a surge of desire through my core. Despite how difficult it was for him, being with me was undeniably turning him on.

I fucked and jacked him for another minute, until pleasure seemed to overtake the anxiety. He still held tight to my shoulders, but he was angling his pelvis to meet my hand and starting to make muted, throaty sounds beside my head.

“This is just an idea, and I don’t want to push this further unless you do,” I told him. “But would you like me to be on top at all?” If my theory was correct and he needed tangible evidence that I wouldn’t abuse him even when I was able to, it might be more meaningful for him to take me when he couldn’t easily escape.

He hesitated so long that I was about to rescind the offer, but then he said, “Get me close first.”

“Could Avery use his mouth?” I suggested. That was one of the most effective methods I knew for bringing him to orgasm.

“Ok,” was the quiet response.

“Whenever you’re ready,” I assured my partner, rubbing his back some more. “No rush.”

He stayed close for several more strokes before sitting up. Avery gave him a long kiss, then he stretched out to place his lips over the target.

Julian let out a low sigh as his husband began working his cock while I kept working his ass. I had to fight to keep my internal temperature under control, but it wasn’t long before he nudged the head in his lap to indicate he was ready.

With a final unguarded look that set my heart aching, he climbed off to my right and stretched out on his front, arms folded beneath his head. When I rolled toward him, he spread his thighs, and my pulse kicked up another notch. Consciously or unconsciously, he had taken exactly the same submissive posture Avery had been in when I’d first fucked him.

“You’re so amazing, Julian,” I said as I climbed over him. I added more lube and nudged his knees a little wider, just to see if he would allow me to. When he did, my cock throbbed with fresh heat.

I took it slow as I fed myself back into his waiting hole, making sure there was no resistance, which there wasn’t. Then I laid myself across his back and wrapped my forearms around his chest, the way I had with his partner that first night.

“I’m unbelievably proud that I get to be with someone as brilliant and accomplished and courageous and caring as you are,” I told Julian before starting up a piston motion with my pelvis, generating heavenly friction for myself and rubbing purposefully against his hidden inner gland.

He thrilled me by entwining his forearms with mine, so I was sort of pinning him down: arms trapped away from his body, legs held open by my knees, anus speared by my cock. I could have come from the eroticism of his surrender alone, not to mention his sphincter sliding up and down my sensitized shaft. By his moans, the sensation was driving him to the edge too.

“I’m yours, Major,” I murmured beside his head while I fucked him with intention. “There’s nothing you need to hide from me, or protect from me.” Maybe I was going overboard with the babbling, but I didn’t want to stop. It didn’t seem possible to share too much, when he was sharing this with me.

My voice was growing rougher along with my thrusts, as my arousal approached the point of no return. “It’s ok to want to be taken sometimes — to be entered and filled. It’s ok to admit how good it feels when a hot, hard dick drills you properly…”

At that, even though nothing was touching his crotch except the bedspread, he seized and let out a primal exclamation. He didn’t try to pull his arms away from mine, so I let my rapid strokes against his prostate spur his orgasm until I exploded with my own. Just the fact that my seed was emptying into his innards contracted my pelvic muscles as hard as ever.

Once the spasms stopped, I kissed the side of his face and stayed with him until he started to stir. Avery had released his climax too, while he watched.

Afterward, I offered Julian the middle and was still almost surprised that he accepted. When I took his usual place on the right and ventured to reach for him in the dark, he came to me for the first time ever, nestling his back securely against my chest and guiding my arm to wrap around him. I brushed my lips once at the faintly musk-scented skin below his ear and rested my chin at his shoulder, almost afraid to breathe lest he decide this was too much contact for him.

But he didn’t. My blood raced around and around my veins, yet the cadence of his lungs was calm against me, and this more than anything else convinced me that Julian was in love with me too.

Which, added to his partner’s affections, catapulted me to heights of euphoria I’d never even known existed.

* * * * *

Avery:

“Hey, you two,” Graham said with a smile, popping into our quarters and shutting the door quickly to keep the February evening chill out. “Happy official one-month anniversary.”

“I suppose it is,” Julian agreed from his position at the desk, tilting his head up to receive a kiss. “Should we have gotten you something?”

Graham came over to where I was sitting on the bed and gave me a kiss too, then sat next to me. “No present necessary, but I would like to give you something.”

“Flowers, jewelry, or sex?” I asked playfully.

“None of those, little one,” he replied in my favorite fond tone. “Well, technically it could be sex. I realize I’ve been over here most days in the past month, when we haven’t been busy with other things, and I’d like to give you and Julian a night alone.”

I glanced at my husband, who of course was looking at me. My first instinct was disappointment that Graham was leaving, but he was probably right. Julian and I rarely had a chance to exchange more than a few sentences on our own, and a lot had happened lately.

“That’s very thoughtful, Graham,” Julian told him. “Not that you’re ever unwelcome, but I, at least, would appreciate your gift.”

“You guys were together long before I came along,” the captain replied. “I want to make sure you have the space to maintain your own bond.”

I couldn’t resist lacing my fingers through Graham’s, since it was my only chance tonight. He welcomed the contact as easily as he always did. “You’ll come over tomorrow?” I asked.

“Sure, after cards. You gonna be there?”

“Should be.”

“Great. I’ll see you then,” he said, but when he tried to let go of my hand, I held on.

He cast me a look both indulgent and amused. “I’m not going to be far, you know.”

I felt kind of stupid, but suddenly I really didn’t want him to leave. “Just…stay until Julian’s done with his notes?” I bargained.

“Alright, sweet boy.” He gave my hand a friendly squeeze. “Anything exciting happen today?”

I settled a little more against his shoulder. “Lamont told me that Verity said ‘goat’ when they went by the herd yesterday. That’s like her seventh animal word.”

“Very exciting,” Graham laughed, and I knew he was making fun of me, but not in a mean way. He didn’t have much interest in children, but I loved watching my unofficial godchild learn new things. “Does she say your name?”

“She can’t say the ‘r’ sound, but she calls me Avee.”

“That’s actually cute. I might have to borrow that.”

I rolled my eyes, but I didn’t really care what he called me, since all the nicknames and endearments meant the same thing. Which I didn’t think I would ever get tired of.

“You should come over with me sometime when I visit,” I said. “Lots of things she does are cute. You might like her if you spent any time with her.”

“Well I don’t think I would get much out of it, and I doubt the little munchkin would either. But if it’s important to you, I’ll go.”

“She’s important to me, and you’re important to me, so…” I concluded with a shrug. “It would be nice.”

“You name the date, then. Maybe we can even drag Julian along.”

“Not likely,” I muttered.

“I’ve spent plenty of time with Verity,” my husband put in. “I could pick her cry out of any lineup.”

I was still a little reluctant to let Graham go by the time Julian was finished updating his records, but I figured a check-in would be good for both of us, so I kissed the captain and made him promise to meet me for training in the morning.

One of my scented candles was already lit — a present from Vik at the solstice — so Julian turned off the main lamp and came to sit beside me with the spare blanket pulled over our legs.

“Are you alright without Graham tonight, babe?” he asked. “I know you and he are still making up for lost time.”

“Yeah. I mean I don’t want it to seem like I don’t want to be alone with you. I just…miss him, when he’s not here.”

“I understand.”

We talked for a while, about the events of the past few weeks and how things had been going, and that led to a topic I did actually want to bring up.

“You know I told Graham I wasn’t ready to change the rule about the three of us having to be together for sex,” I opened, and Julian nodded. “I think that…I’m still not ready to be alone with him myself, but if you two wanted to be together without me, that would be ok.”

He sounded surprised. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Graham mentioned before that you’re different when I’m not there,” I explained. “I feel like, after the other night, I have a better idea of what he meant. It’s like when we were with Vik: you didn’t mind letting me be with him alone with him, because you already had what you needed from me, and that wasn’t going to change if I spent a few nights with him. So, I already have what I need from you and Graham, and I don’t think you guys being alone sometimes will change that.”

“That means a lot, Avery,” Julian told me, the truth reflected in the resonance of his voice. “I do think it would be helpful to my relationship with him. My concern would be leaving you alone. You already miss him tonight, even though I’m here. What would it be like if we were both gone?”

I had a plan for that. “I would just think of it like when you’re away for a mission or something. And I would prefer if we set a curfew, like we used to with Vik, at least for now. So I would know you’d be coming back and I wouldn’t be alone all night.”

“I think that’s very reasonable, and I’m sure Graham would agree.” It was quiet for a moment, with nothing moving except the shadows cast by the flickering candlelight. “How soon would you like to start?”

“Not tomorrow…but maybe after that, if you want.”

“Ok. So we might change the rule to say, ‘Sexual contact is allowed between any two partners alone, when both of them agree they are ready. Partners should be considerate of the third person’s needs when arranging encounters.'”

I had to laugh a little at his formality. “Exactly.”

“Just to be clear,” Julian added, “for me, that means once we’ve cleared this with Graham, you and he are also welcome to meet up for sex alone, whenever you decide that’s what you want. You wouldn’t need to get my permission first.”

Some sort of winged creatures hatched in my stomach. Until now, I’d always been protected by the rules. Now it would be a daily choice not to engage with my boyfriend one-on-one. But I nodded.

“Avery,” my husband said quietly after a moment, then waited for me to look at him. “I just want you to know how proud I am that we’ve been able to transform our relationship this way. I couldn’t have imagined, back when you used to be so worried about me leaving all the time, that you’d one day feel secure enough to add a third partner.”

“Yeah, me neither.” In some ways, it seemed a lifetime ago that I’d been too scared even to admit what I was scared of. Yet the memory of the feeling was as vivid as yesterday.

“I also want to reinforce that there are no deadlines for you to do anything alone with Graham,” Julian went on. “If you never want to, that would be ok. And if me being alone with him does bother you, please let us know right away. We can always dial down.”

I had to wait for the wings to stop fluttering again before I answered. “The only reason I’m able to do this is because of you — being so careful and making sure I’m ok. So…thank you. And if me and you need to spend more time alone together, I hope you would tell me.”

“I appreciate that, babe.” There was a brief pause before he spoke again. “I had noticed that you’ve been doing most of your snuggling with Graham. I wondered if you might like some with me tonight?” When I glanced over, I caught a trace of adorable hopefulness beneath his usual composed expression.

I think my eyes went a bit starry. “Mm hm,” I agreed.

We undressed and got settled in bed, leaving the candle with its spicy holiday aroma burning, and I took my traditional position against Julian’s left side, where I could listen to his heartbeat. He stroked my back and arm and head with the steady, gentle touch I was just as addicted to now as I had been from day one. No matter how much I cared for Graham, this was always going to be something separate: this closeness I’d forged with the first person to win my heart, over years of struggle and triumph and figuring each other out. Graham’s relationships with us were constructed on a foundation that Julian and I had painstakingly laid over the course of four years. Those original bricks would always belong to us alone.

Like this: me lying in his arms, his presence enfolding me, his caresses warming me from the inside out. Sharing this with him would always mean a little more than it did with anyone else, because he pioneered this with me. He found a way to make me feel safe when I was basically still a grieving orphan — barely out of my teens, trapped with my own turbulent emotions inside a fortress I hadn’t consciously created, and terrified of letting down the drawbridge.

“I really love you, you know,” I told him eventually.

“Yes I do,” he answered, warm as glowing embers on the hearth. “And it’s the best thing that will ever happen to me.”

I smiled against his chest, really grateful I’d chosen to accept Graham’s gift.

“And of course, you know that I really love you.”

“Yes,” I echoed, although I never got tired of hearing it. “And I’m not as poetic as you, but…it’s the best thing for me too.”

Julian’s arms tightened around me briefly, and his cheek nestled into my hair. “Did you want to do anything else tonight? Or is snuggling enough?”

“I’m good with this, if you are,” I told him, surprising myself. We’d been having a fair amount of intense sex with Graham, and all I really wanted right now was to feel my husband against me.

His voice vibrated beneath my ear, relaxing me automatically. “I am too.”

There wasn’t much else we needed to say. I let myself drift through spice-scented memories — layer upon layer of nights we’d spent together, each one cementing our future happiness. I didn’t even notice I was falling asleep.

Graham was pleased with the modified rule, and a couple days later, Julian went off to the captain’s quarters for their first encounter alone. Honestly, I would have thought it would have seemed more momentous to me, but it just felt…right. Natural. Like Graham was somehow an extension of me — a gift I was giving my spouse; a type of connection that was beyond my own capacity, but that I could offer through a surrogate. I went to hang out with Vik that evening, and the time went by quickly.

When Julian got home, he had a kind of glowy aura that was hard to describe, but he hugged me very close and gave me lots of kisses. He even offered to tell me what they’d been up to, and he stroked me with lavish, leisurely fingers while he whispered the erotic details. Definitely not discouraging me from wanting to send him over again.

It was another week or so before I agreed to visit the captain on my own, and that was with the explicit understanding that it wasn’t for sex. I wasn’t exactly sure why it made me so nervous to think about taking that step with him, when obviously I’d been naked and in all kinds of compromising positions with him many times, and I could hardly get enough. It wouldn’t even be a new experience really, since I’d been alone with Vik in the past. But something felt really different about doing that with Graham.

This visit was for the purpose of a music lesson. I’d been kind of interested in learning to play the guitar since those early days with Graham, but we’d never really made time for it, and then it became something he did with Jade. He’d brought it up again recently, and I didn’t want Julian to get too bored watching me and Graham mess around all the time, so I was here in his room for the first time since we’d gotten back together.

Everything looked about the same: spare uniforms folded into crates, photos of his family and friends tacked to the wall, guitar tabs piled next to handwritten reports on the desk. I perused his things absently, pausing at a letter lying next to the lamp.

“Who wrote you?” I asked, curious.

Graham looked up from uncasing his guitar. “Blair. You can read it if you want. She sent a new picture of my niece and nephew.”

I found the photo above the nightstand — two light-haired children maybe four and six years old, one in a crisp dress and the other in a miniature suit, holding hands in front of an imposing grand staircase.

“That’s at the music hall,” he explained. “My mother is very hopeful at least one of them will have inherited Blair’s talent.”

I perched at the edge of his wool-spread bed to look at the letter. It was like reading a novel about a fantastical society in a distant world, except the society was real, and the world was my own. These words about symphony orchestra performances following five-course catered meals reached by chauffeured cars had been written near Seattle only a few weeks ago.

I’d moved to the second page when my gaze stumbled suddenly over my own name. I stared at it for several moments before regaining the composure to read the sentence.

“You told your sister about me and Julian?” I asked aloud, both surprised and flattered.

“Of course. I told her a lot more about you too, in my last letter, but it wouldn’t have reached her yet.”

I held the cursive-lined paper with fresh reverence, a little overwhelmed that this stranger on the other side of the continent knew who I was.

Graham came to sit next to me. “Blair followed the traditional path of marriage and children because she wanted to, not because she didn’t believe in other choices. She stays in my family’s social circle because she likes having access to top-notch opportunities for the kids, but she understands that way of life isn’t for everyone. I knew she would want to hear I’ve met two people I care so much for. She may even start writing to you.”

I’d literally never received a letter in my life; we didn’t exactly have a postal service out here. But corresponding with Graham’s sister… It would be kind of like having a relative of my own. The thought struck sunbeams deep within my chest.

We got down to the music lesson eventually. I’d basically only learned whatever they’d done with us in school — fundamentals of sheet music and simple choral pieces. There were probably times when musicians would come and teach us about various instruments, but I don’t think much of it stuck. Even what I knew about notes on a staff didn’t help me interpret the complete mystery that was Graham’s guitar tabs.

He was a good teacher though; he walked me through how the strings and frets were set up, how chords were built, and the notes for some very simple songs I already knew. It was pretty cool to be able to create music using just my hands and the metal strings.

“So, it’s still early,” Graham commented as he put the guitar away, after my fingertips had taken all the abuse they could for one session. “You want to stay for a while?”

“Stay for what?” I asked warily.

His response was light. “Just talking…maybe cuddling. You’ve made yourself clear regarding your boundaries — I’m not going to try to seduce you.”

“Ok,” I agreed, a little self-conscious about being on a bed so near to him, unsupervised, and for the first time in our history, without any restrictions on our activities. But it didn’t always seem fair to Julian that I took up so much of the captain’s attention, so it was probably good that we could be here while he did his own thing.

Graham turned down the light and stacked the pillows so we could comfortably recline at the head of the bed.

“Come here, little one,” he invited once he was in position with one shoulder toward the wall, holding out an arm for me to fit my back against his front. “My bashful little celibate,” he teased while I moved into his embrace.

“Shut up,” was my comprehensive refutation. Not that it would be convincing, since he knew I liked when he joked with me. Although this subject was more unsettling than most.

He wasn’t finished. “Not at all the type of guy who would beg someone he barely knew to fuck his ass on the first date, in front of his husband…”

I went a little red and jabbed him with an elbow. “Did you just want me over here so you could make fun of me?”

He laughed. “No, that’s just a bonus.”

I got settled against the familiar planes and contours of his well-built body. Not so long ago, Graham had just been Captain Lansing, a blazingly hot pipe dream of a sex fantasy. It was still kind of amazing that he wanted to share his affection with me every day.

“Can we…talk about it, though?” he asked after a minute, more serious.

My heart picked up the pace in anticipation of treacherous waters. “Haven’t we talked about it already?”

“It’s been a few weeks,” he pointed out.

“I don’t really…have anything new to say.”

“Look, I know it’s your choice what you want to do with me and when. I’m not trying to pressure you. But all you told me before was that you weren’t ready. I would like to understand what it is that you’re waiting for. I kind of thought we would have been there by now.”

I took a breath to temper the rising anxiety. “It’s not…something I’m waiting for. It’s just…how I feel,” I managed eventually.

My answer didn’t seem to satisfy him. “Can I tell you how it feels for me, then?”

I mean, I couldn’t refuse to listen to his perspective. “Ok.”

“I tend to agree that you’re probably not waiting for something, because I can’t imagine what that would be. We love each other, we’re close…you trust me, you’re typically quite comfortable with me, and we’ve already had tons of very intimate sex. All the things I would expect to be in place to move forward on our own.”

Graham paused, but I knew the punch line was still coming.

“I’m not married to someone else, you know? You and Julian are my partners. I’m putting all my eggs in this basket. But you already met the love of your life, years ago. So I can’t help wondering if maybe the reason you’re not going further with me is that…you don’t intend for us to have a serious partnership. You’d rather keep your marriage in the center, and me on the side.”

Well that — really hurt. And called into question the foundation of our entire relationship. Which caused the anxiety to boil up into alarm. I tore away from his embrace and spun to face him.

“Graham…” I didn’t even know how to put my objections into words, but I had to try. “No. I don’t — want you to think that.”

He spoke again before I could get any further. “How you feel is how you feel, Avery. I know how deeply bonded you are with Julian. Just because you care about me, that doesn’t necessarily mean you want to make another investment on that level. And I think I would prefer to confirm that now, rather than keep waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.”

The roiling waves of dread made it difficult to figure out how to reason with him. “That is not — how I feel. I am serious.” He was simply watching, while in my mind our whole future was sliding into a horrifying abyss. “Graham, please — you said it was ok to wait until I was ready. You said that — you wouldn’t leave –” I couldn’t get any more out, because I couldn’t find enough air for my lungs.

His hands were reaching for me again. “Baby, hey,” he said in what must have been a soothing tone, though it was hard to hear anything over the blood rushing in my ears. “No one said anything about leaving. I didn’t mean to send you into a panic. Look at me.”

That last one was clearly a command, which I obeyed because it seemed safer than doing anything else.

His earnest emerald gaze held mine. “I’m not going to leave. We’re alright. Take some deeper breaths, please.”

“But what if you’re just saying that because I’m freaking out,” the anxiety forced me to ask.

“Avery, I’m not. I only wanted to understand your rationale; I wasn’t trying to give you an ultimatum. It’s really ok for us to talk about this without anyone hyperventilating. Let your lungs do their job.”

My brain searched furiously for evidence of imminent danger, but Graham seemed sincere. I stared into his eyes and tried very hard to convince my adrenaline-fueled system that I would still be alive if my diaphragm lessened its breakneck pace.

“That’s better,” he told me after a minute, so I must have succeeded at least marginally. “Really gotta get Julian to give me some lessons on how to have these conversations without triggering your sympathetic nervous system,” he added, almost to himself.

Reason was gradually returning along with the oxygen. I swallowed the metallic taste from my mouth and tried to figure out what to do next.

“Come here,” Graham offered again, much more gently than the first time.

In the aftermath of the chemical surge, I didn’t even consider fighting his prompting hands. I let him draw me into his body again, and I made sure to clasp his arms securely around me.

“What can I do to convince you that none of the options on the table involve abandoning you?” he murmured against my head.

“Don’t tell me you think I’m not serious about you,” I whispered, still a little shaky.

His reply was earnest but calm. “I said I felt it might be an explanation for your behavior, since you weren’t offering one.”

I took another couple of breaths in the shelter of his embrace. “This is the literal opposite of not pressuring me, by the way.”

“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to imply a threat to our relationship. It’s just been a little difficult for me, not knowing what your reservations are, and I got worried. You seem very concerned about my commitment level, but I can’t think of anything you’ve said to confirm yours.”

This conversation was starting to remind me of the one I’d had with Julian after our breakup. “I’m maybe…not the greatest at that,” I admitted.

“You can understand why I might have been worried, then, can’t you? I’m only human.”

“I guess.” I always felt like I was being completely clear, but Graham was right; I probably hadn’t voiced much other than don’t leave me.

“So, what would you like to tell me, now that we’re calmer?”

He was being more than patient with me; I needed to be brave for him. Why did I struggle so much with speaking the words that went with my thoughts and emotions? It was surely possible to just tell someone how I felt without the world having to end first. Especially when he’d already told me plenty of times.

I drew one more breath and uncensored myself. “That…it doesn’t seem like very long since you cut things off without even discussing it first. You left me, and I couldn’t be near you, or go to sleep with you, or touch you at all –” I had to stop before I lost control again. He held me without interrupting until I could continue.

“It was really bad,” I managed to summarize finally. “I haven’t even told you how bad. I never wanted you to know. But I’m still scared of ever going through it again, so it doesn’t take a lot to bring that up.”

He hugged me tighter for a moment, and his voice was full of remorse. “I really wish it hadn’t happened, sweetheart. If I could reverse time and do it over, I would.”

“I know.” I steeled myself to keep going. “And I’m not trying to keep you on the side. I want…everything with you. There isn’t any doubt about that. But I’ve only known you for eight months, and at least half of those, we weren’t together. So it might seem to you that a few weeks is a lot, but for me, this is a huge jump in a really short time. Especially because, like you said, I am married. So this affects my other relationship too.”

“I can understand that,” he told me. “I really appreciate you explaining.”

I let some of the lingering stress drain on my next exhale. “Thanks for dealing with my…paranoia.”

One of his strong hands rubbed me soothingly. “I’m sure your approach is justified by your experiences.”

I sighed again. “For what it’s worth, you might trigger me sometimes, but you’re also really good at un-triggering me. And getting me to just tell you shit.”

He gave a slight laugh. “Well that’s something.”

No one spoke for a minute — the first peaceful silence since this fraught conversation had started. I focused on the comforting pressure of Graham’s chest and arms surrounding me, the tangible sign of his commitment to my emotional safety.

“Can I ask you another question?” he said. “About this.”

“Ok…” I tried not to brace myself.

“Is it maybe not me that you’re primarily worried about? You said that it feels too fast, but obviously it’s not the sex itself that feels too fast, because you’ve let me do pretty much anything with you, starting with that first night. You seem to see a significant line between doing that with Julian present versus without him. And you mentioned this affecting your marriage, so…is that what it is? You’re worried that being with me will change your relationship with Julian?”

As soon as he said it, I realized that was the cause of the nebulous unease. “It would though, wouldn’t it?”

“What do you feel would be different between you and your husband, if you and I had sex right now?” Graham asked instead of answering.

When I focused on it, the sensation resolved into specific emotions: raw, overpowering grief, as if I were losing someone deeply important to me, and dread that hollowed the pit of my stomach. I followed the trail, trying to find the source. It took a minute, but once I figured it out, everything made a lot more sense.

“It feels like…my marriage would be over,” I confessed at last. The words were broken and difficult to say, but I didn’t want to carry this burden on my own, now that I knew it was there. “Like my relationship with Julian wouldn’t be special anymore, if I could do all the same things with you. I don’t want to — lose that –” The thought of no longer being married to Julian briefly closed my throat.

My boyfriend’s response was as gentle as his hand caressing my arm. “Oh, Avery. It wouldn’t be over at all. Nothing will ever make your marriage less special. You and Julian promised to care for each other, be there for each other, and do your best to work out any issues, right? And you’re still going to do that just the same, aren’t you?”

Graham paused until I nodded.

“Think about how you felt after he came over here last week. Did you feel that he was any less married to you?”

I checked my memories. “No…”

“You wouldn’t be either, if you slept with me. Just like your love for me doesn’t take away from your love for him. You and Julian will always share your unique history and connection. I couldn’t change that even if I tried. All I’m doing is adding a new connection to your life. They’re intrinsically separate.”

Not for the first time tonight, he was right. I hadn’t been able to see it before. Or, more accurately, I could see it when it came to Julian, but not myself. Which was pretty typical of me, and why I really needed to get better at talking things through instead of stressing out on my own for weeks or months. Graham was helping a lot with that.

I loved him for it, and suddenly I loved him so much, I couldn’t understand why I’d been waiting all this time. He was so good to me: dedicated, trustworthy, and patient with my significant shortcomings. So generous with his affection and always willing to support me, even when I didn’t want to let him. Understanding of my insecurities, and willing to reveal his too. Gentle when I was afraid, yet able to call me out when I needed to get over myself. He was making me into a better person, and that was saying a lot, because Julian had already guided me through a ton of the early work.

The rainbow appeared in my inner sky, brighter than ever, and this time there were two — love’s light refracted twice inside each raindrop. The first arch displayed my eternal covenant with Julian, which could never be diminished, any more than electromagnetic radiation itself could be destroyed. The second showed my newer commitment to the man holding my body and my heart with so much care. The two arches would always be the same distance apart; neither could alter or replace the other. Each had slightly different qualities, just like my relationships with each of my men. And both were incredibly precious to me.

I unwound Graham’s arms enough to turn toward him, and he seemed unsure whether I was upset again, but I put my lips to his and soon settled that question. I kissed him without holding anything back — without fear from the past or doubt about the future or comparison to anyone else. I wanted him, and I was allowed to want him, and I was going to have him.

“I love you,” I told him when he pulled back to look at me. “So much.”

His hand cupped the side of my face. “I love you so much.”

“And it’s true, what you said. There’s nothing else I need to wait for. So seduce me, Captain Lansing. Right now.”

The pure, unadulterated joy that swept across his features went straight to my cock. He took my mouth passionately, this time leading, his tongue twining with mine. But after a moment he pulled us apart.

“Are you sure about this?” he asked, nearly hyperventilating himself, though for a completely different reason than my earlier panic. “That was a really quick turnaround. I don’t want you to feel — taken advantage of, later.”

“I’m a thousand percent sure, Graham.” I stroked my fingertips across his cheek. “You made me sure.”

“God, Avery,” he groaned. “You don’t know what you do to me.”

“Then show me,” I challenged, tilting my face up invitingly.

And he did.