A gay story: Come As You Are “I can’t go out tonight. I’m grounded.”
“Again? What did I do now?” I groaned. My best friend Megan and I were at our shared locker before school. It was our senior year, twelve years ago, and our thoughts were occupied with a mixture of sex and getting the fuck out of this town.
“I’m not just grounded from you this time, I’m grounded period. Phone calls included. So when you get home, you’ll have to call Ross and tell him we’re not coming over tonight.”
Megan went on to explain that her mom had gotten the phone bill and seen all the calls Megan made last month to Martin, a German exchange student at our school who’d gone to spend the second semester somewhere in Virginia. At last, a transgression they couldn’t blame me for.
Megan’s parents didn’t like me. They didn’t like the fact that Megan had a male best friend; they didn’t believe that we weren’t dating, had never dated, never had sex, and never kissed with tongue. Never even copped a feel.
They didn’t like my leather jacket and tattoos, or the fact my mother didn’t give me a curfew. Because of the way I looked, they thought I was a bad influence on their precious cherub-faced blonde daughter; when in reality, it was Megan who was the bad influence.
Half the time, I kept her out of trouble instead of getting her into it, and for that, she deemed me a goody-two-shoes.
I know. Pathetic.
Megan was seeing this guy, Ross. Megan always had a guy. Sometimes I wondered where she found them, because the pickings were pretty slim at our school; but somehow she managed it, and just about every month it was a new one.
We met Ross one night at an all ages show at a nightclub we drove about an hour to get to, because they didn’t have anything like that where we lived. Megan started talking to him on the floor in front of the stage as we waited for the band to come on, and by the end of the night, they were making out in my back seat in the parking lot. It turned out Ross only lived in the next town, about twenty minutes away.
The napkin he wrote his phone number on for her became a treasured memento Megan kept for years, not because of a sentimental attachment, but because of the hilarious note, he wrote on it. Howling with laughter, we’ve been known to repeat it from memory. “I crave your white skin, I want to make love to you.”
The worst pickup line in the world that worked. They’d been seeing each other about a month now, which meant I was getting to know Ross very well myself; Megan didn’t have her own car, and I did, so that meant I ended up driving her everywhere.
How many nights had I driven around with Megan in the back seat of my car, making out with some guy. Occasionally I’d catch a glimpse of her tits in the rearview mirror as the guy felt her up– I always quickly averted my eyes. At first, I thought it was because we were such good friends, it was like seeing my sister naked, if I’d had one; but by the time Megan and met Ross, and I was starting to admit there might be another reason.
Sometimes, if the boy’s parents happened to be out for the evening or they had a basement rec room or something, I got to sit on the couch and watch TV while they either went off to the bedroom, or rolled around on the floor together. I might as well have been a pet cat, watching, but not worth noticing. Don’t worry about John, he doesn’t care.
No, I didn’t care, not really. I didn’t want to see Megan’s tits; no, my eyes were drawn to the growing tightness of her boyfriend‘s crotch. My life gave new meaning to sexual frustration as I tried to figure out what I wanted, even if I was too scared to go after it. Megan told me bluntly that I wasn’t the angel I thought I was; I’d be every bit of a bad boy, if I wasn’t such a chicken shit.
That evening I dutifully called Ross like Megan asked me. “Hi Ross, it’s Johnny,” I said nervously when he answered. I had no idea if he even knew who he was talking to, but he didn’t miss a beat even though I’d never spoken to him on the phone before. His deep voice, odd coming from such a small person, crackled over the line. He seemed happy to hear from me.
“Well hello Johnny, what’s going on?”
“I’m sorry, Megan and I can’t come over tonight,” I explained, stumbling a little out of nervousness. “Megan’s grounded. She couldn’t call you, so she asked me to let you know what happened.”
“Oh,” he said in his warm voice that, for the moment, made you feel like the most important person in the world. “Well, that’s too bad. Why don’t you come over yourself then.”
“Me?” Now I was really stammering, sounding just like I felt, a complete idiot.
“Yes, you,” he sounded amused. “My mom and step dad won’t be back till tomorrow and I’m having a little get together, nothing big, just a couple people. C’mon over around eight.”
It seemed strange to be going to Ross’ house without Megan. In fact, it felt strange to be going anywhere without Megan. We had other friends of course, and occasionally we did things separately, but if I went shopping with Jessica or something, Megan got jealous; and I pouted a bit myself if she went somewhere without at least inviting me.
Really, we were more than best friends, we were like platonic soul mates; everyone at school thought we were a couple, but there was no attraction between us.
I knew all about Ross right from the beginning. His little game was no mystery to me. Why do so many girls go for assholes and the nice guys remain “friends?”
Ross was a sunny, dramatic ham with a fast, smart-assed wit and a huge ego to compensate for his small stature. He was only about 5’5”, but that just made him more adorable, at least Megan claimed it did. He had silky dark brown hair that tumbled over his forehead in a skater cut, big green-brown eyes under dramatic, expressive brows, and the cutest mouth, with dark sideburns and a goatee he seemed to grow and change into different configurations instantly.
The world was a stage and he had the starring role. The rest of us were merely his audience. He fancied himself a poet as well as a budding guitar player; he sometimes gave Megan and I dramatic recitations of his poetry. I hate poetry, but coming from him, it was kind of endearing and really not bad. You wanted to dislike the guy, but he adored himself so much he managed to suck many others into joining him.
“You know Meg,” I told her, “You should be careful. This guy’s a real asshole.”
She rolled her eyes in absolute disgust. To her I was such a square, and more often than not, a party pooper, dragging her ass home before her parents started to freak. “Please. I do not need the big brother thing coming from you, Johnny.”
“Fine.” I shrugged. I never expected her to heed my warnings but I gave them anyway. “Just don’t come crying to me when he fucks you over.”
“Oh, don’t worry. I wouldn’t dream of it.”
One thing I always respected about Megan was how determined she was. She knew what she wanted and she went after it. I knew how people talked about her and it pissed me off, but she didn’t care if the kids at school thought she was a slut. She lost her virginity at age twelve and hadn’t stopped since.
Other girls might sleep around out of insecurity, to get boys to like them or whatever, but Megan slept around because she liked cock. Nowadays we’d probably label her a sex addict and she’d be thrown into a 12-step recovery program.
When Ross came to the door and let me in, I was suddenly shy. Ross was confident and witty. He had everything I didn’t: money, hip parents, a great loft apartment on the rich side of town, a great life. Even though he wore the same shabby clothes we all wore during the grunge years, torn off jeans and flannel shirts and sloppy high top Converse, he managed to look cool, instead of just scroungy. He intimidated me like always, even though he smiled in a very friendly way.
“Hey Johnny, how’s it going.“
When he led me into the dark living room, there was no get together; only one other guy sat in a chair, tipping back a beer bottle as he watched the big-screen TV. He nodded at me when Ross introduced him as his friend Ethan, who graduated from his high school last year and was home from college for the weekend. Ethan used to play bass in a band Ross was in. Another one of Ross’ crowd, who tried to look like their parents weren’t rich.
“I had to send everybody else home, they were getting too loud,” Ross explained, crossing his legs under him on the couch. “That nosy bitch downstairs will tell my mom if she hears anything. Have a seat, Johnny. Seen this movie?”
“Lair of the White Worm.” As I sat down, I nodded, recognizing what was on the screen. Jesus, what a piece of shit film. However, it was something of a cult flick and Ross seemed impressed I was familiar with it. It’s not like I had a sex life, so other than driving Megan around on her dates, what else did I have to do but watch endless bad movies on cable.
Ethan had reached down on the floor and a familiar acrid smell filled my senses as he casually lit up a glass bong. I was struck with the memory of my mom’s friends gathering in the kitchen while I was sent outside to play.
“Hey, Johnny, do you like to get high?” Ethan asked softly. He was lean and smooth, like a greyhound, with softly curling blonde hair and long legs crossed under him in the armchair. I realized I was looking straight up his baggy shorts to the pale curve of his ass. I averted my eyes quickly.
“Well, I never have,” I admitted doubtfully. They both found that hilarious and started laughing.
“Yeah, Megan says you’re pretty straight-laced,” Ross said; and for some reason he glanced over at Ethan and they laughed even harder, which bewildered me.
It didn’t take them long to talk me into trying weed for the very first time, under their careful instruction. Ethan slid over to the other end of the couch so I was between them and he leaned over and lit the bong.
When I inhaled, a burning, choking, pungent smoke entered my lungs and I choked and began coughing uncontrollably. Ethan struck my back with the heel of his hand a few times, reassuring me it was fine.
“Jesus, fuck!” I sputtered, my chest rattling with the force of my hacking, while they giggled at my reaction. “God, is it supposed to burn like that?”
“If you don’t know what you’re doing it does,” Ross laughed. He lifted the bong and Ethan flicked the lighter. “Okay, come on, let’s try it again.”
“Are you crazy?” I shook my head adamantly, shying away from it.
Ross’ grinning face was very close to mine so that I could smell his pot breath. “Don’t be a pussy, Johnny. It’s only your first time. Inhale nice and easy, hold your breath, then let it out slowly. Don’t fight it. Light it, Ethan.” They were delighted with the unintentional rhyme and repeated it like a chant while they roared with laughter. “Don’t fight it, light it.”
My second hit was better, easier, but the taste was still just as bad as the smell always led me to imagine, coating my tongue and entering my throat. “Do people really think this tastes good?” I croaked, coughing with less force than before. My throat was aching and scratchy, my voice rough.
Ethan handed me his beer and I drank part of it down without even thinking of the fact that this was the first drop of alcohol to ever pass my lips. Soon enough I found myself with my own beer in hand, sitting on the couch between them, staring at the movie. The pot must have enhanced the special effects because instead of looking corny, it was like a spectacle unfolding in front of my eyes. I felt a little nauseous, a little drowsy, but not giggly like the two of them. While Ethan and Ross were jabbering a mile a minute, for me it was an enormous effort to even talk. I felt like a mummy, wrapped in layers of fluffy cotton.
“I don’t feel anything,” I mumbled.
“Sure you do,” Ethan told me in a soothing voice. “It’s cool. You’ve just got a really mellow buzz. Want another hit?”
“Okay,” I nodded resignedly. No point in fighting it; at last, after eighteen years, my lily-white record was blackened. “But don’t tell Megan. She wouldn’t approve.”
“Oh I don’t tell Megan anything,” Ross snorted while Ethan fired up the bong. “She’s on a need-to-know basis just like all chicks. The less you tell ’em, the better off you are. Right, Ethan?”
“Usually,” Ethan agreed as he leaned forward and nodded approvingly at my increased proficiency with inhaling the smoke. This time I barely coughed, looking up into Ethan’s big, shadowy gray eyes like an eager puppy waiting for praise from its master. When he grinned, if I’d had a tail, it would’ve been wiggling.
“All chicks are the same,” Ross was yammering on. “Fuck them a couple of times and they think they own you, they start with the I love you crap, then the why didn’t you call me crap.”
“Hey,” I protested, concentrating hard to form my words correctly, “Megan isn’t like that…”
“I know she’s your friend and all, and I don’t mean to insult her,” Ross continued in that self-important way of his, “But she’s just the same as the rest and we both know it. All girls are whores. They give you want you want, but they make you pay for it dearly.”
As mellow as I was, I was starting to get a little pissed. Megan was by no means perfect, and Ross might even be right for all I knew, but still, I wasn’t going to sit here and listen to him insult my best friend. I roused myself from my stupor.
“You know what I think? You want a girl to fuck you, but then if she does, she’s a slut. I think you just get bent out of shape when a girl does what you do and just screws whoever she feels like, because she likes it. You have no respect for women.”
Ross was laughing at me. “I know, my mother tried to raise me better, but I’m just an asshole. Take it easy, Johnny. Guys love slutty women. Besides, how the fuck would you know anything about women?”
My heart suddenly skipped a beat and I stiffened. “What?” I asked quickly.
A grin spread across Ross’ face and he leaned really close to me, close enough that I could see the dilated red veins in his eyes and feel the heat of his breath on my face. His eyes narrowed smugly as he watched the panic growing in my face, as it turned pale. “You wouldn’t know anything about women, because you’re queer.”
I swallowed air as a deep, pounding heat flushed over my whole body. I was paralyzed, caught between astounded disbelief and the need to throw up. My instant thought was, how did he guess…?
“Hey, we don’t have a problem with it,” Ross was saying, still right in my face. “We’re open minded, aren’t we Ethan.”
“Sure. If it feels good, do it, is my motto,” Ethan added on the other side of me with a careless shrug. He pronounced each T so it sounded like mot-to.
“No… I don’t…” I stammered. But then all the sudden, and maybe it was the pot and the booze steamrolling the defenses I’d built in my mind, I surrendered. The truth was there. It had been there for a long time and I was just too scared to put a name to it. As it rushed over me, I felt weak with a strange feeling, and after a moment I knew it for what it was. Relief. With a little gasping breath I looked down. “But how?” I whispered. “I never told Megan…”
“Shit, Johnny, I don’t need Megan to tell me that,” Ross said, only backing off a little, still in my space. “It’s obvious, isn’t it Ethan?”
“Yeah, pretty obvious,” Ethan agreed.
“What makes it obvious?” I demanded, panicking. If they knew, did everybody?
“Oh, lots of things,” Ethan answered lazily. “But don’t get all freaked out on us John. The weed’s making you paranoid. Relax, dude.”
“Yeah, take it easy.” Ross shrugged.
As we sat around and had a few more hits off the bong, Ross brought a bottle of vodka out of the kitchen. Ethan put in another movie. This one was Henry&June, recently released on video, and not easy to get your hands on at that time, though it seems mild now. Nowadays you can turn on any computer and see hardcore porn at any time, but back in 1992, Henry&June was considered a big deal. Figures Ross would have a copy.
As they fast-forwarded the movie to the good part, I sat back on the couch and stared blankly at the screen, taking my turn with the vodka when it was passed to me. Megan thought this movie was the greatest thing in the world, but I never really got what the fuss was about. Now I understood why! The sight of Uma Thurman getting it on with that other chick was artistic, but it didn’t excite me. I chuckled as it became obvious at last. The naked breasts and stuff just didn’t turn me on.
Secretly, off and on for about the last two years, I wondered if I might be bi. But now it was out in the open, unavoidable. Any time I’d ever kissed a girl, or even more than that, I felt absolutely nothing. My most powerful fantasies didn’t involve the cheerleaders at school; they involved the football team. I’d been lying to myself for a long time. Now the truth sprung out of Ross’ mouth and filled my subconscious.
Something else dawned on me. It was like a curtain had been lifted in my mind and I saw everything so clearly. I was awkward around Ross not because I felt intimidated by him, but because I was attracted to him. Clearly Megan wasn’t the only one who liked jerks. And Ethan… he was just hot. Not only did I want to look up his shorts, but I wouldn’t mind pulling them off, either. With my teeth.
“What’re you laughing at?” Ross said in a low voice, right next to my ear.
Many bong hits topped off with a couple shots of vodka and my inhibitions were totally gone. I started babbling about my realization regarding the movie, and about Jacob Holden, one of the popular football players at school. Now I was sure he was gay. Sometimes in the hallways or in class I’d catch him glancing at me, and when I met his eyes he always looked away and blushed. Somehow he’d managed to realize something about me even I didn’t know. Well, okay. I knew. I just didn’t want to admit it. But now I did and it was like I could breathe at last. Finally! Finally I could tell the truth. Maybe not to everybody, but at least to myself. God what a relief.
“Hmm,” Ross said in my ear in that same voice, “that’s really interesting Johnny.”
“Isn’t it,” I mumbled, suddenly miserable. “And now what do I do about it?”
I hadn’t even gotten to the part yet where I started to wonder how I was going to tell my family, how they were going to react, what Megan was going to say, if it was going to be all over school. All that was important right now was the question of how I was going to get some action.
“Why don’t you try not doing anything,” Ross said, and when I turned back to him he was right in my face again. His smile was calculating as he looked deep into my eyes, reading what was in them. Like it wasn’t obvious. I gulped, gasping for breath.
That feral grin of his widened and his eyes narrowed. To my complete surprise, it seemed like both of them were now touching me, I didn’t know whose hands were where, but someone was stroking my leg and another hand was moving up and down my back. My cock, however, knew nothing of the confusion in my brain and it was most confidently rock hard in my pants.
“I know you’ve never had a cock,” Ross’ voice dropped to a mesmerizing whisper. “But you want one, don’t you Johnny. You want one really bad. So bad you can taste it. Oh yes, that’s what you need to do. You need to taste a cock, don’t you Johnny.”
Maybe I was drunk. Maybe I was stoned. Maybe it was the whole surreal scenario unfolding before me. But I felt frozen to the spot, unable to answer or really even move. My heart was pounding in my chest so hard I could hear it, my dick actually ached from its arousal.
Why were they doing this? Things were happening very fast now, and I was so mixed up, I didn’t really comprehend. It was like scenery whipping by a car window. I looked between their two faces and Ethan chuckled softly at my confusion.
“Hey, relax,” he whispered. The bong was suddenly before me again and I took another hit, letting the panic flow out of me along with the acrid smoke. When I looked at Ethan again he was running his hand through my hair, pulling out the ponytail holder that held it, loosening the strands over my shoulders. On the other side Ross was rubbing my thigh.
“Just let this happen,” Ross ordered me in his low, commanding voice.
“But…” I hesitated, “I don’t know how to…”
“That’s okay, I’ll tell you everything you need to know,” Ethan reassured me as he wound his fingers through my thick hair. His touch made me shiver, distracting me from the fact that next to me, Ross was slowly and deliberately unbuttoning his fly.
Eyes huge, I stared down at the outline of his cock visible through his jeans. None of this made any sense. “But you’re not gay,” I protested; I knew he wasn’t gay because he was fucking Megan. And Ethan, he was so hot, he probably had a million girls chasing him at college. My mind raced to understand as Ross laughed a silly, stoned laugh.
“I’m not Italian either, but I still love lasagna,” he shrugged as he rose up to his knees on the couch, facing me. “Don’t you Ethan?”
“Oh yeah. Don’t be so uptight, Johnny, it’s the best of both worlds.” Ethan’s strong hands were rubbing my shoulders now, pulling my flannel shirt off, leaving me in a t-shirt. “Lots of us swing both ways, but if you’re not into pussy, it’s cool.”
“So you’ve done this before?“ I asked desperately. My whole body was shaking like I was standing on the edge of a fucking cliff. And in a way, I was.
“Once or twice,“ he answered with a smile. “Ross hasn’t yet, but you know, whatever’s cool with us. You don’t have to fight this.”
I had no intention of fighting it. Maybe I didn’t understand shit, but there was nothing in this world that would have made me fight what was happening now. John, Paul, George and Ringo could’ve walked into the room with Jesus H. Christ as a backup singer and I wouldn’t have stopped. My mouth dropped open as Ross gave his hips a little wiggle, his pants slid down and his hard dick pressed obscenely against the thin knit of his briefs.
“Go on,” Ethan whispered in my ear. “Touch it.”
I was scared, I was fascinated, and I was turned on all at once. Hypnotized, I stared as Ross peeled off his t-shirt. He might’ve been small, but he was all man. Through his thin cotton underwear I could see the shadow of the dark pubic hair that rose up and swirled around his belly button. Before my eyes his cock was growing and getting harder. I could actually see the outline of the flared head pressing against the cotton and as I watched, a little drop of wetness anointed the front panel of his crotch.
Over my shoulder, I looked to Ethan for guidance. I wanted to do this, but I was shaking all over; I needed help. “What do I do?” I whispered.
“Whatever feels good, Johnny.” Ethan’s hand slid under my shirt and lightly over the sweat-dampened skin of my back. I shivered.
“Just no teeth,” Ross added helpfully. His comment really brought home the reality of what was happening here and even despite all the pot I’d smoked, my stomach started to do flip-flops. Whether it was fear or excitement was impossible to tell. Ethan and Ross both seemed to realize that I wasn’t going to move forward on my own, because all the sudden I felt Ross’ hands on my shoulders while Ethan’s closed around my wrist and lifted it, up to Ross’ crotch.
“Feel it,” Ethan said, breath hot on my neck. With his encouragement I slid my hand over Ross’ underwear. His dick was warm, hard and twitching in my hand; his balls felt very soft in comparison, soft and heavy, straining against the cloth. I moved closer and caught a powerful, intoxicating raw scent that flipped a switch in my brain.
Fuck it. I grabbed the elastic waistband and jerked his underwear down over his hips. His cock sprang out right in my face.
I’d never seen one up close, in the flesh. I stared at its thick, dark, cowled head and the slit, where a little clear bead was forming. In proportion to the rest of him, it was on the small side. It was short, stocky and beautiful, just like him. I probably would’ve just sat there and stared at it like a hungry dog gazing at a steak, if Ethan hadn’t gently put his hand on the back of my neck and urged my head forward.
My eyes closed and rolled back as I tasted the salty sweetness for the first time. Electricity jolted through me, zipping down every nerve, so that I was tingling all over; and every doubt and fear I still had was instantly gone. This was it, this was what I’d been lacking. This was the end to my frustrations, the fulfillment of my most secret desires. All this time, I didn’t even realize how much I needed to suck cock.
Instinct took over. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I was eager to do it. Now that I was past my inhibitions, both of them were shocked at how every hesitation was gone. I tried to do whatever might feel good, but mainly, I just wanted make up for all those years when I was missing this. Ross’ cock was so delicious, I wanted to swallow it. I wanted to take it as deep into my throat as I could, till it filled my whole mouth with its powerful essence; and its manageable length made that possible. I buried my nose in his dark curly pubic hair, closing my eyes as I sucked hard, caressing the shaft with my tongue as I did.
“Oh my fucking god,” Ross breathed, and I felt an overpowering thrill of excitement rush over me, that I was making him feel so good. To my surprise, just doing this to him made my own dick throb painfully. “Oh fuck, Ethan, you were right, guys are so much better at this than girls. Johnny, you need to give your friend Megan cocksucking lessons. Oooh, shit.”
He groaned and pulled out, leaving me panting, sweat on my forehead. Another surprising thing happened then; Ethan’s hands were slowly moving over me, and he brought his head around and captured my juicy mouth with his. I closed my eyes in shock as he passionately fucked my mouth with his tongue and Ross watched with a big grin on his face.
“Come on.” Pulling us apart, Ross grabbed my wrist and marched me down the hall. When Ethan hesitated, Ross called his name.
In his bedroom, I found my clothing was disappearing, along with Ross’. Only Ethan was still wearing anything. Ross pushed me back on his bed so I was lying back against Ethan, while Ross stuck his dick in my face. I licked it everywhere before I slid my lips over it. It felt so thick and smooth and silky in my mouth as I worked my tongue into the slit. Between the two of them, soon Ethan was holding my head and moving it back and forth while Ross thrust his hips forward into my face.
My mind went blank and I was transported to a place I’d never been before. I had no control over this and I didn’t care. I was born to do this. I was completely relaxed, my gag reflex a distant memory. All that mattered was this cock.
“Holy shit,” Ross said again, “Oh God Ethan, you have to try this.”
When the delicious meat in my mouth was taken away I let out a sound of protest, but soon enough it was replaced with another. Ethan’s prick was much bigger, much thicker, even prettier. I concentrated all my energy on it, my eyes wide open, unfocused as I took it to the back of my throat. God, I loved it. I never dreamed I could love anything this much. I loved all cocks. If there were ten cocks in the room I would’ve sucked them all. I was like a baby getting sustenance from a bottle, and that bottle was its whole world.
“God!” Ethan exclaimed suddenly, and before I realized it, he was coming in hot, salty spurts. I wasn’t prepared for it and I’d never even considered the question of swallowing, but by instinct, I relaxed and let it all just flow down my throat, gulping, like I was drinking from a water fountain. I’d tasted my own cum before, but this was different, it was intoxicating. Instantly I was addicted to the flavor and even after I licked him dry of every drop I craved more. When he finally pulled away, I focused my eyes and looked up, dazed.
“Shit, that was hot.” Ross was grinning between the two of us and Ethan fell back against the bed on shaky legs.
Another one of those weird moments happened, where everything seemed to be moving without me; suddenly I was naked on my back with my head on Ethan’s knees, with Ross kneeling down between my legs with his cock sticking out before him. He was studying me thoughtfully with a calculatingly wicked gleam in his eyes like a cat toying with a mouse. I was limp in their clutches. Was it possible to be turned on and humiliated at the same time? Before tonight, I would’ve said no, but now I knew better. It was like when I was in elementary school and some of the little neighbor boys held me down and made me play doctor. I didn’t fight them either.
“What’re you…?”
I was almost afraid to ask; my fear was confirmed when he slowly grabbed my knees and pushed them up, up toward my chest. I was completely exposed to them, buck naked with my ass in the air, and through my arousal the helplessness made me uneasy. For just a second I resisted, even though part of me longed to give in completely.
“No…”
“Come on, Johnny,” Ross whispered. “You want this. You want my cock inside you so bad, you don’t know what to do. Don’t you.”
While I was giving head to both of them, hardly even caring whose cock it was, everything I knew about myself changed. From minute to minute I was a totally different person. Megan was right all along; I was totally driven by the same sexual needs and desires she was, I just lacked the opportunity. The few times I’d slept with girls, it didn’t impress me, I never saw what the fuss was about; but now I felt like if I didn’t get the satisfaction I needed, I might not survive.
“Don’t you,” he repeated casually; and with a whimper, I gave in.
“Yes,” I whispered; and even while shame flooded me, I was secretly elated. The truth really could set you free.
“Don’t worry,” Ethan said in his low, sexy voice while he stroked my shoulders and my chest with his strong bass-player’s hands. “We won’t make you do anything you don’t want to. We’re all just having a good time; and if you don’t like it, we’ll stop. It’s cool, we won’t be pissed off.”
I was humiliated at being exposed like this and I was scared of the idea of having something in my ass, but at the same time, through it all my dick was hard and leaking like a faucet, making my true desires known to all. It gave Ross all the encouragement he needed and he smirked, moving into position. I closed my eyes tightly and waited for the pain.
“Hey, asshole,” Ethan suddenly said sharply; “What’re you trying to do, Ross? You need some lube, you idiot.”
“Oh yeah,” Ross shrugged cheerfully. Jumping up, he trotted out of the room, his cute little butt cheeks out in the breeze.
Suddenly Ethan and I were alone. His fingers traced the tribal armband tattoo I’d just gotten on my eighteenth birthday. We didn’t speak, but when I tilted my head back he smiled down into my eyes, and I smiled back nervously. I wished he’d kiss me again, but I didn’t know how to communicate that desire. Really, I had no idea how things were supposed to go; I didn’t even know if guys kissed. What he’d done before wasn’t a kiss the way I knew it, that was more of an invasion than a kiss, an assault on my defenses; what little defenses I had at the tender age of 18, anyway.
Before anything could happen in the moment, Ross came prancing back into the room and held up a little bottle. “This was all I could find,” he announced. “It’s my mom’s.” To my horror, it was Vagisil Intimate Moisture; but Ethan nodded and said it was fine. “I also got these.” He held up a roll of Trojans that unfolded and hung down like an accordion of postcards. Ethan had turned around and was fiddling with the stereo. The CD player, still a relatively new invention at that time, softly played a thumping Nirvana track.
“Good thinking,” Ethan nodded approvingly.
Pleased with his own ingenuity and Ethan‘s praise, Ross got back into position and did his thing with the condom and the lube. Despite my state of intoxication I was starting to panic. This was what gay guys did, I knew that, but in those days there was no internet to instruct me, so I had no idea what anal sex was all about. I just knew it was going to hurt.
I closed my eyes when I felt the slippery head of Ross’ cock at the entrance of my ass. Ethan was stroking my upper arms. Ross pushed. The pain was a shock and I started to twist away, protesting, as my dick went limp in dismay.
“Ooowww… No…”
“Shhh, Johnny, you need to be quiet. It’s okay, just relax.” Ethan’s hands tightened, holding me steady, while Ross tried again to push inside my ass; but he had to give up. It just hurt too much, even though I didn’t cry out this time, just whimpered and struggled half-heartedly. I had to do this. It had to happen sometime; I couldn’t stay a virgin forever. But shit, was it always going to hurt like this?
“I can’t get in, Ethan, he’s too tight,” Ross sounded stressed and somewhat annoyed. “What do I do?”
Ethan’s brow wrinkled as he pondered. I looked up at his cute face hovering over mine; I really liked Ethan and in a way I wished it was him in Ross’ place, but on the other hand, if Ross’ rather small penis hurt this bad, there was no way I could handle Ethan’s much bigger and thicker cock. Surely it couldn’t be that bad, I tried to reason with myself, otherwise, why would anyone do it, let alone enjoy it?
“I think if he relaxes, you can do it,” Ethan said, “so try using your fingers to loosen him up first. Johnny, turn over.”
We all shifted around until I found myself on my hands and knees with my butt in the air. My humiliation at this new position faded when Ethan slid around and maneuvered so we were face to face, and he reached up and started kissing me. This was no tender, romantic kiss. This was fierce, hot and aggressive as our tongues met and played. Different than any kiss I’d ever had. The raw, erotic power made a little groan rose up in my throat and my cock revived; I hardly noticed what Ross was doing until I felt a finger slide up my ass.
“Ow,” I pulled away from Ethan and winced, but he pulled me back down and insistently buried his tongue down my throat, silencing me.
“Relax,” Ethan whispered soothingly against my mouth. “You’ve had your fingers in your ass before, haven’t you?”
An hour ago I would’ve been too embarrassed to answer that question but now it hardly seemed to matter. In fact, it was liberating and I actually felt good, relieved. “Yes,” I gasped as I tried to bear down.
“Then this should be okay. Don’t think about it,” he whispered. “It only hurts at first because you’re tense. I promise it’ll stop if you just relax and let it happen. Do you want another bong hit?”
I shook my head no, closing my eyes. At this point I just wanted Ross to hurry up and get it over with so it would be done, finished. Surely the next time would be better if I could just fast forward past this moment and move on. I wanted it done, but I didn’t expect it to feel good. I let my mind go blank into the haze of vodka and pot.
Everything speeded up again and my brain was a step behind, reeling in confusion. Ethan returned to his assault on my senses while Ross worked his fingers into my tight hole one by one. My resistance was slowly fading as I succumbed to my lust for Ethan. It may’ve been Ross behind me, but Ethan was in total control of this; everything I did was for his pleasure and approval, and it was obvious that Ross felt the same need. How could one skinny nineteen-year-old bass player have so much sexual power, to even dominate someone like Ross? When he moved around so I could suck his cock again, I didn’t need any urging this time, I dived right on it, with Ross’ fingers in my ass.
The pain was pretty much gone now, replaced with the dull, unfamiliar burn of being stretched. With my face buried in Ethan’s crotch, I wasn’t even thinking of myself anymore. My mind was blank again, on some distant dick-sucking planet, and I was lost in it, completely intent on Ethan’s pleasure, his feel and his taste, the smell of his sweat. My own cock was hard and aching now from his soft little moans as I focused my whole being on satisfying him.
From far away I heard Ross’ voice without bothering to catch the meaning. “Now?”
“Oh, yeah,” Ethan let out a low groan and caught the back of my head gently.
Ross pushed me down so I was flat against the bed; he wasn’t tall enough to fuck me doggie-style. All the sudden in my mouth Ethan’s cock gave a jerk and he let out a muffled cry in his throat as he shot deep into my throat. At the same moment, Ross pushed forward into my ass. The pain was there for a moment as the head popped in, but I was so busy greedily swallowing Ethan’s sweet cream that I hardly noticed it; and by the time I did, Ross was all the way in. When I came around to thinking of it, I felt his balls brushing my ass.
“Oh God.”
Instead of pain, there was a deep, burning feeling of fullness. I almost felt like I couldn’t move, like I was pinned down by this stake up my ass. I wiggled a little explore the feeling a little, and the burning began to deepen into a strange tingling I’d never felt before. It wasn’t pain, but it wasn’t quite pleasure either.
“You okay?” Ethan asked me. It didn’t seem strange that he was doing the talking and not Ross. That was just how things were playing out in our little game.
“Uh-huh.” I swallowed, nodding quickly.
“Can he move?”
I gave another nod and Ross obeyed. At first it didn’t send me one-way or the other. It felt kind of uncomfortable, but not painful or anything; but after a minute it occurred to me to shift position slightly, and somehow that did it. My eyes opened wide with surprise and I noticed Ethan grinning at me, watching as lust took over my expression of dismay and confusion. Sweat broke out over me as Ross flexed against me, his hands braced on my shoulders; it still burned but it felt good now, really good, incredible, oh God. I let out a moan of surprise that was a touch too loud and Ethan gently put his hand over my mouth to muffle my sounds.
For some reason that put me over the edge, onto that other level of existence where I wasn’t thinking anymore. I was beyond thought. With his hand over my mouth I felt safe. It was like Ethan was a buffer between me and my control; he wouldn’t let me go past a certain point, so I felt safe enough to push the envelope of my newly discovered pleasure. I bucked back against Ross; I cried out against Ethan’s hand; I struggled to reach my cock but Ross was holding me down too hard and I couldn’t, but as I let out another scream to be caught by Ethan, Suddenly the feeling of his hand locked over my mouth was the push I needed and I came in a wild, uncontrollable moment, spurting deep into Ross’ tangled sheets. At the same time I felt him push hard inside me and he bit back a long, low moan as his hips jerked back and forth.
“Oh, fuck,” Ethan murmured wonderingly, speaking for the both of us, watching us both get off with his hand still clamped over my mouth. “Oh my God.”
“Ethan,” Ross cried out his name in surprise as he came inside the thin latex that separated us. It was only later it occurred to me to wonder why he was saying his friend’s name and not mine, but at the time it seemed natural.
“Shit!” Suddenly Ethan was laughing as we all slowly pulled apart; Ross pulled out me, Ethan pulled his hand away from my mouth, and I slumped down into the sticky bed, totally exhausted.
I managed to fight off sleep long enough to wash up and stagger to the couch, where I collapsed. Sometime in the night I woke up and Ethan was kneeling next to me in the dark. Instantly I had an erection. He pulled me down to the floor, where he surprised me by pushing me to my back and kissing me, long and slow, the way I’d longed for earlier. I had to have that beautiful cock again; I was insatiable in my desire to swallow it down. Just going down on him was enough to push me to the edge of orgasm, and when he wrapped my cock gently with his hand, I shot violently just from the feeling of someone else’s touch where only my own had ever been before. Afterward we fell asleep holding each other on the hard floor with an afghan from the back of the couch pulled over our naked skins, our heads side-by-side on one throw pillow. He was still sleeping when I got up in the early morning. I had to go into Ross’ bedroom to find the rest of my clothes and my fumbling woke him up.
He opened his eyes reluctantly as I sat down on the edge of the bed and laced up my Doc Martens. “You look like shit,” he mumbled with his usual tact.
“I feel like it.” My voice was gravel; my head was stuffed with cotton; there wasn’t a part of my body that didn’t ache, most especially my ass. For a second I sat there biting my lip, looking down at him while he groaned and rubbed his eyes. “So Ross… about last night…?”
“What a-fucking-bout it? It was no big deal.”
“Well… I just…” It wasn’t like I was expecting a bouquet of roses or anything, but all the sudden, I felt very foolish. “Nothing.” I stood up. “I’ll catch you later.”
“Johnny,” Ross said as I walked out of the room.
“What,” I said softly, stopping.
“See you.” Rolling over, Ross closed his eyes and I softly closed the door behind me.
Standing over Ethan, I looked down at him. He was so cute. Was I alone in feeling the connection, or was I just being silly and overdramatic? I wanted to wake him up, ask him if we’d ever see each other again; but I didn’t. Apparently this was how it was with guys, no clinging, no calling, no emotion, and from what Ross said last night, that was just the way he liked it. What other conclusion was there, except that Ethan probably agreed with him. I grabbed my shirt off the floor where Ethan had tossed it last night and slipped out the door.
When I got home my mom was still sleeping. Immediately I climbed in the shower and let the hot water wash the sticky reminders of last night’s sweat, spit and cum off my skin and down the drain. When I got out I wiped the steam off the mirror and looked at my face. I still looked exactly the same. I felt so different, I thought maybe it would show on my face, but it didn’t. Last night was all firsts: the first time I ever got drunk, got stoned, got fucked, all compacted into one. I grinned at myself. Maybe I was expecting a big scarlet C to appear on my forehead. C for cocksucker.
The worst thing about it was, I couldn’t tell Megan. I took her for a drive on Monday at lunchtime and explained to her that I was gay, that I’d been hiding it for a long time, and that I was still the same person I’d always been; I had a regular speech all thought up, but it dissolved when she stared at me with her eyebrows raised while I talked, and then when I paused to take a breath, she said in a bored voice, “Huh. No shit.”
I stared at her with my mouth open; and then all the sudden we both started laughing hysterically.
So, I could tell Megan the truth about myself at last, but I couldn’t tell her about the events that led to my finally admitting the truth. Without the night with Ethan and Ross, I would’ve eventually accepted the facts, but it probably would’ve taken a lot longer. As it was, I was still pretty freaked out by the prospect of coming out as gay and all that entailed; but smugly, I had to admit, when I thought about how much I loved the sex, the other baggage wasn’t nearly as heavy.
About a week later, Megan and I were over at Ross’. He hadn’t treated me any different since that night, other than maybe teasing me more pointedly, toying with me. When she went out of the room, he turned to me and smirked. “Ethan asked me for your number.”
“He did?” My heart started to thump. “Did you give it to him?”
“Maybe I did and maybe I didn’t,” Ross shrugged. With that statement, he left me to wonder for all eternity if Ethan had my number and didn’t call, or if Ross never gave him the number to begin with. Only about two weeks later, Ross dumped Megan. It was inevitable. While she cried on my shoulder, I tried to remind her what a prick he was.
“He treats women like shit, baby; you deserve so much better than that.”
“Yeah,” Megan nodded, sniffling. “But he’s really good in bed.”
“That’s the truth,” I snorted without thinking. Horrified, I glanced over to see her staring at me. Well, there was no way out of it now. I knew she’d get it figured out quickly. I cringed, my heart pounding. I couldn’t lose my best friend over that sexy little jerk. I was prepared to grovel if necessary. “Are you mad?” I asked carefully.
“I wondered if you were ever going to admit it, or if I was going to have to torture it out of you.” To my confusion, she suddenly started laughing. “Who the fuck do you think came up with the idea?”
My jaw dropped as I stared at her, replaying the whole scenario in my mind. It all seemed a little too subtle for Ross, now that I thought about it; inviting me over, getting me wasted, putting the moves on me. Megan had set me up. I thought it was only Ross, but they’d both had me.
“Hey, Johnny,” Megan said softly, “I love you, okay? And I’ve known for a long time that you needed this. I also knew you were too chickenshit to do anything about it. All you needed was a little push, so one night Ross and I had a talk about you. I suggested it to him and he told me you’d be easy, and to let him take care of it.”
“He said that?” I demanded in disbelief. “You set it all up with Ross and Ethan?”
“Who the fuck is Ethan?” she asked, frowning.
Well, maybe I’d underestimated Ross after all. I smiled grimly. Men really are assholes.
The rest of my senior year, while I moved on from Megan’s chauffeur to tutoring a shy football player in certain other sports, part of me was waiting for Ethan to call. The connection was there; but he never did, and I never saw him again. Just the first entry on my lifetime list of unfulfilled passions. Somehow I just knew Ross was behind it. There had to be a reason he’d called Ethan’s name during the moment of orgasm. Through all my relationships since then, I’ve never stopped wondering what might’ve been if I could’ve had a chance with Ethan.
I did see Ross. We ran into each other from time to time on breaks from college, and when we did, even though we really didn’t like each other, we always ended up having sex. He’d say he’d changed, he’d met the right woman and she’d reformed him, and he’d protest how much he loved his girlfriend even while I was sucking his cock. Once an asshole, always an asshole.
My friendship with Megan is still as strong as ever, but we did promise to stay away from each others’ boyfriends from then on.