Knife’s Edge Pt. 02

A gay story: Knife’s Edge Pt. 02 —- —- —- 1.

There’s a point of exhaustion where it’s like I can’t even sleep. I mean; I always struggle to switch my brain off- you know, all those good things like meditation and mindfulness and breathing… they don’t come naturally. But sometimes I’ll get so tired it’s like I’m rewired and sparking. I’ll close my eyes and start seeing a movie about my day. I’ll get caught in unreal dialogue that goes on and on and never resolves.

I drifted past the night shelter in Mt Cook; but there was a degree of despair there that I couldn’t bring myself to be a part of. I was just off my feet for a night, not deeply entrenched in the dark uncomfortable criseses these people were.

I almost walked home to Mum and Dads. But they would be asleep. I had a spare key somewhere but I didn’t want to give them as bad a night as I was having by making noises downstairs in the middle of the night.

I ended up letting myself into the gym. Thank god for 24 hour gyms. It was empty- obviously. I had a shower for about an hour, just sitting on the ground, letting the water run over me in a dark stall. I turned the light off in the hopes I might get properly sleepy, not just… achy and weary and crying.

Eventually I had to get dry, and I curled up on a bench, warm and exhausted. I didn’t really sleep: not properly where you fall into deep comfortable dreams. But I guess time passed. It passed to the point where other people were starting to come in. So I had to get up and pretend I was here for normal reasons.

I warmed up, sort of, before finding a spare bench and grabbing a bar. I wasn’t going to break any records today. Lifting did give me a goal to focus on, which was good, because feeling lost and sorry for myself wasn’t getting me anywhere.

I averted my eyes as I saw Joel strut out of the changing room. I’d seen him here before. He always wore tiny shorts that made his thighs look like tree trunks, and a stupid thick sweatband on his head. He always had a protein shake on him, and was one of those obnoxious guys with a notepad to track his progress. Not that I should judge that. I mean. It was working. I could judge all I wanted but he was still objectively way hotter than me, and way stronger- which I guess was more to the point.

I didn’t want to talk- but it’s hard not to see people here. He nodded at me as he strutted into the free weights area, eyeing up the squat rack. He grabbed some dumbbells and I swallowed as he held them like they were nothing. Ooof. He was really fucking ripped. I heard myself sigh as he approached me, sitting on the end of the bench I was standing next to.

“Moooooorena.” He yawned. “Early for you?”

“Super early.” I agreed. Joel looked at me and frowned a little. His brow furrowed. Mmmm. I looked like dog shit so I could see what he was worried about.

“Rough night?” He asked.

“Sort of.” As if my puffy blotchy face wasn’t enough evidence I’d spent all night crying. Joel paused in his set, his bicep curled and a vein in his arm throbbing.

“You ok?” He asked quietly. “Was it … anything to do with that guy you’re seeing?”

“No! I mean, sort of. We had a… like a little fight…” Joel was still holding that weight and I could almost feel the pain on his behalf.

“Was it….” He winced. “Because…” Oh. I’d forgotten. I’d totally forgotten that even happened because I’d been too busy wanting to drown myself for being an idiot who did exactly the opposite of what a decent human did and flirted with a stranger. I grinned, finding a sort of over tired hilarity in his concern.

“You gave me a lift home? No. Didn’t mention that.” I gently touched the dumbbell in his hand. “You going for a record there?” He blinked and set the weight down slowly, stretching out his hand as he released it. “Racks free.” I gestured.

“Thanks.” He clapped me on the shoulder as he stood up. He shook out his arm as he started loading up the bar and I watched him absentmindedly. Huh. Maybe I really should train with him.

Except I definitely shouldn’t. I quickly looked away. If… if he had really tried to… last night… would I have? But… why me?! He hated me! He knew I had a boyfriend! Ugh. Had. My face fell. I was out of tears but I was getting a grinding tension in my chest. I knew AJ though. This wasn’t forever. He hadn’t blocked my number which meant he was just freezing me out for a day or so. I texted him a proper run down of exactly what had happened: just so he knew that while it was shitty, and so close to cheating it was basically the same thing… well…. It wasn’t the same thing. I was just seeking validation. Which was its own dumb can of worms I did want to open but at least he knew. I emailed him as well, knowing he was likely to delete any long winded texts from me at this stage. I’m sure he knew. Deep down he knew. I was way too much of a pussy to cheat, even if I wanted to, which I didn’t.

This was just a punishment. I could ride it out.

I finished my set and went to shower, faced with whether or not I could get away with yesterday’s clothes. Eh. Maybe not. Not after a gym session, albeit a really half arsed one. I put them back on in the meantime and headed out to buy myself something, waving to Joel as I headed for the door. Someone tapped on my shoulder and I glanced over my shoulder to see one of the gym attendants puffing his chest out and glaring at me a little.

“Hey dude.”

“Hey?” I smiled awkwardly.

“You’ve been here for a while.”

“I’m just leaving.” My cheeks went painfully red.

“This is a gym, not a shelter bud.”

“Got it.” I hung my head. “I’m off.”

“Have a good day, cuz.”

Ugh. Well shacking up at the gym for another night was off the cards. I suppose I could always get a hotel, but they’re so expensive! I couldn’t really force myself on a friend unless I explained exactly why I was forcing myself on them… and who would I even ask? I didn’t keep in touch with anyone. I couldn’t just text out of the blue after not talking for a year and beg to stay on their couch!

I could call mum and dad. They’d definitely let me stay. We hadn’t really spoken much since I moved out. They weren’t exactly supportive. Whenever we did speak both of them would ask in hushed tones if everything was alright, and if I ever went over for dinner there were a lot of pointed comments about why AJ wasn’t there. There was usually an argument about the fact that AJ would be thrilled to go over for dinner except my parents treated him like some sort of criminal.

Anyway, I was gonna have to change my underwear. I had to go back to AJ’s. He’d cope. Maybe he’d pretend it never happened. Eh. That seemed unlikely. Maybe he’d give me a bollocking and make me sleep in the spare room for a few days. That would be ok.

I tried calling him again and he hung up on me without answering.

It’s over. Don’t call me. I’ll call you if I ever want to hear your voice again.

I bit my lip. Over over? You don’t just throw away like… almost a decade of companionship over this do you? My gut tightened.

Please call me

I replied. To my relief, my phone rang.

“AJ!”

“I’ve put your shit in a pile in the hallway. I want it gone by tomorrow or I’m just putting it in with the rubbish.”

“Can we talk?”

“About what, Rueben? You fucking gaslighting me about cheating on me?”

“AJ! I didn’t!”

“I’m busy.”

“AJ, what the fuck am I…”

He hung up and my words died on my lips. I stared at the ground.

“Whakarongo mai!” Someone came crashing into me on a skateboard.

“Shit.” I crashed to the ground, landing painfully on my wrist.

“Crap! Rubes! Fuck, you ok? What did I do to you?” Joel knelt down beside me and pushed my hair off my face, staring into my eyes in concern. I opened my mouth to reassure him, and tell him off for being such a giant clumsy dickhead… but my wrist really hurt. I glanced at it and saw the blood. Ugh. Never been good with blood. “Just a scrape.” Joel mumbled as he took my arm in his hands, turning it over gently. “Wiggle your fingers? That’s good. You’re alright. Shit, I’m sorry.” He looked away from my arm and back to me, and to my shame, his face crumpled as he saw the tears. “Aw damn.” He winced. “Fucked you up real good, didn’t I?”

“No…” I gulped, trying to swallow the sobs that were trying to erupt from my chest. “Just had a really rough…” Na. No stopping it. I let the ugly wails take over my ability to speak and hung my head as I sobbed. Joel pulled me into his chest and held me tight. I thought I’d got it out last night, but hearing AJ’s voice… the absolute… total nothingness he seemed to feel for me…. It occurred to me that maybe… maybe this really was over. Over over. Maybe I’d just been dumped for real.

“Ugh, I’m so sorry.” I managed to pull my head up eventually. I shook my hand out. God I was a baby. I was FINE.

“It’s ok.” Joel sat back on the pavement. “I won’t tell anyone. You good?”

“Super.” I wiped my face. “Might wanna get some glasses if you miss a 6 foot human in the path of your skateboard.”

“There’s the real Rueben.” Joel laughed as he stood up and gave me a hand. “And you’re not kidding anyone with 6 feet.”

“I know.” I brushed myself off. “Ok, catch you at work.”

“You wanna grab breakfast?” Joel checked the time.

“Ah. Sure.”

“Mean.” He nodded and grabbed his board, whistling as he led us up the street.

“Hey, I was gonna pop into Recycle…” I gestured to the second hand store as we neared it.

“Perfect, I’ll dash into Fix. I’ll catch up.” He waved at me as he jogged into the corner store.

I grabbed an inoffensive shirt from the $2 basket and met him in the doorway. I raised my eyebrows as I saw by ‘breakfast’ he apparently meant a pie each, an up and go each, and a packet of cigarettes.

“Please tell me that’s not a daily thing for you.”

“It’s the bad morning special.” He yawned. “Trust me on this. I’m not a morning person so I know all about bad ones.”

“I trust you on that.” I smiled. We talked a bit about work and parked up under the tree in the car park where we took our smoke breaks. “Thanks for the kai.” I gestured as I dug in.

“All good. Let’s call it a ‘sorry I KOd you’ sort of thing.”

“Sure.” I took a sip of Up and Go and made a face.

“You don’t like vanilla?” Joel offered to swap.

“Na, I like it!” I laughed. “It’s just VERY sweet.”

“Good, you need sweetening up.”

“Whatever, chef. Your tastebuds are broken.” I rolled my eyes.

“Don’t you dare insult my palette.” He grinned.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” I reached in my pocket for a lighter and Joel winced as I took my phone out to fish around.

“Oh, your phone.” He looked crestfallen. “Did I do that just now?” I glanced at it. No. That was when AJ decided to throw it against a wall. It still worked, thank god. The screen was shattered and the colours were already bleeding, so it would probably only last a few days… a few weeks if I was lucky…. Ahhhhh. Fuck. I’d fucked up so bad.

“Dropped it.”

“Butterfingers.”

“You got me.” I yawned.

“You look rough.” Joel said. “Rougher than usual.” He turned his head to one side. “Huh. And yesterday’s clothes. Boy, what did you get up to last night?”

“Nothing nearly as exciting as what you’re conjuring up.” I took a giant bite of my pie.

“Maybe not.” He yawned. “You’re alright though?”

“Yeah, man.” I summoned up an easy grin. “All good.”

—- —- —-

Thank god for work. Customers yelling in my face about the wait for a table and the $12 bread and butter portions was an absolute relief. It’s hard to wallow in self pity when you have an adult man throwing a tantrum about a problem which would have never happened if he could read.

Unfortunately the night was early, and AJ hadn’t called to forgive me or invite me to therapy by the time I locked the door. Joel was on the earlier shift and Ramon was much quieter, and way less likely to do anything crazy like go in for a kiss, so the night ended uneventfully.

I headed back to AJ’s. Probably a dumb thing to do. I think I convinced myself he’d see me and just forget everything. Or decide to forget everything. He wasn’t going to actually talk about it. He wasn’t going to hear me out. But he might remember he loved me and let me back in anyway.

My stuff was in a pile, like he said, in the hallway, like he said. I rolled my eyes and swore at him. I’d assumed he meant INSIDE the apartment. But whatever. I ignored it and let myself in. It was dark.

“AJ?” I called out.

Nothing. I bit my lip. He was either asleep or out. Either seemed equally likely. Not quite the confrontation I’d been gearing myself up for. I let myself into our bedroom and looked around. The photo of us was still up. That was a good sign. No AJ. But he was never home at a reasonable hour these days.

I yawned. Well. He couldn’t kill me if I was all sweet and asleep and curled up in his bed, could he? I knew he was mad at me but he had to know he was going too far. I stripped down to my boxer briefs and pulled back the covers. I absolutely convinced myself that he’d see my sleeping form and his heart would melt.

I was about to creep into his bed when I heard the front door open. I almost called for him. I was so close…

When I heard he wasn’t alone.

I clamped my mouth shut and dove for the light to conceal the fact I’d all but broken in. Fuck. I tried to eavesdrop over my heart hammering. They were laughing. AJ put on some music. I rolled my eyes. I love him, but he really has the worst taste in music. I think it was his overplayed Motown… his overplayed Motown… oh. His overplayed Motown ‘let’s get it on’ playlist. I felt the heat rise up. Oh.

I guess he really did mean. Like. Over over. That was another guy. Another guy he was cracking wine open for and telling his best stories for and…

Oh my god, what was I doing?! I glanced down at myself in horror. Fuck. I needed to get the fuck out of here.

I threw my clothes on as silently as possible and cracked the door open. They were in the living room. That meant… assuming I was smart… I could tiptoe down the corridor and escape out the door without either of them noticing.

I held my breath and squeezed my eyes half shut, as though that would somehow make me invisible. Luckily they were engaged in raucous conversation. I couldn’t make out words but I could tell they weren’t moving anytime soon. I frowned as I heard the other guy’s voice. Jesus. He was YOUNG. Sounded like he’d barely hit puberty, his voice was so soft and girlish… Part of me was itching to poke my head around the doorframe and see what he looked like- what he had that I didn’t have…

But that would be so stupid. I didn’t want to be the crazy ex who broke in and caused a scene. I let myself out silently and stared at my clothes in a pile in the hallway. My eyes started to sting. Cool. What now?

—-

“Thanks again for uh….”

“Leave the fan on low overnight, this room gets so hot.” Mum fussed with the curtains, pulling them shut for me.

“Ok.”

“You have everything you need? Towels in the hallway cupboard.”

“I’m sorted. Thanks mum.”

“You need a tea? Something to help you sleep?”

“I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.”

“Ok. Night Rubey Roo.”

“Night, mum.”

I didn’t sleep. Even though all I wanted to do was lull myself into something warm and kind and easy. I closed my eyes and listened to the trees softly caressing the windows, and the wētā calling to each other, and the soft coo of a ruru. I caught my thoughts as they rose up, dwelling on them for too long, having imaginary conversations, and then imaginary sex, and then imaginary arguments. Then I’d listen to the world again, and see myself in it, so small.

The ruru gave way to silence, and then the birds woke up: the starlings first, then the kākā, then the magpie. I reached for my book. The Axeman’s carnival. I like it because of the magpie. But I hadn’t been reading because it had this horrible tension, an impending sense of doom, and I was so scared it was all about to go to hell.

— —- —- 2.

If I never told anyone, it wouldn’t be real.

Liminal space was fading. I was about to enter a new world. Lost, grieving.

But it wasn’t real yet.

“I would invite you tonight.” Kurt yawned, blinking in the daylight. “But that’s pointless, right?”

“I can come.” I said.

“I know, I know…” Kurt waved his hand. “Wait.” He paused. “Did I hear that right? You CAN come?”

“I can come.” I repeated.

“Really? That’s great! Oh, we might win for once! Yay!”

“Yay.” I lit another cigarette.

“Not yay?” Kurt frowned.

“Better get back in.” I passed him the dart and went back to work.

“Space cadet!” Joel barked as soon as I reappeared on the floor. “Where the fuck were you?”

“What’s up?” I’d been out for two minutes and the restaurant didn’t look like it was on fire.

“I need you to approve this and give me a wine match ahead of tonight.” He glared at me and stabbed at a plate of heirloom tomatoes on a bed of stracciatella. I raised my eyebrows.

“You need me to approve this earth shattering creation?”

“What is with you?” His face fell. I closed my eyes. I didn’t mean to be an asshole. I took a deep breath.

“That was really uncalled for. Sorry.” I took a fork and helped myself. There was a basil reduction under the tomatoes and a hint of chili flakes. It was simple and stunning. I glanced at him.

“It’s practically perfect. The Milton Te Arai Chenin.”

“Practically?” He folded his arms. I bit my lip.

“Salt? Pepper? And a drizzle of this.” I reached for some fennel oil he’d been infusing for weeks. He let me re arrange the plate, with his arms folded. I pushed it back to him after the tiny modifications. He grabbed my fork off me and took a bite.

“Ugh, I hate you.” He sighed. “Can you reprint? Just add fennel oil to the ingredients.”

“Oui.”

“I actually love you.” He took another bite as I stated to head to the office. “Hands! All hands, new entree!” He called out.

“They’re called wait staff!” I yelled back. “Or even Maria, Rob, Kurt, and Georgie!”

“All hands to me!” He laughed as I pulled the fingers at him.

— — —-

The weekly meeting went well because we’d made lots of money, Joel’s new entree was delicious ‘the fennel oil is INSPIRED’ Lydia gushed, and apparently I was getting rave reviews on Trip Advisor. We were treated to another glass of wine which probably meant three, since we had to wait for Kurt to finish before the pub quiz.

“We should just get a bottle.” Joel whispered as the owners slunk out.

“But you drink beer.”

“I’m willing to try one of your favourites. Only not Merlot… I am not drinking any fucking Merlot!” He laughed at his own joke and I stared at him.

“You… you saw Sideways?” A classic if you were into slow Paul Giamatti wine flicks but… I guess Joel didn’t strike me as the type.

“Yeah?” He shrugged. “I like wine and food movies.”

“Oh.” I guess that made sense.

“You assumed I only watch Transformers?” He stuck his chin out. “That latest Marvel?”

“Not as thick and boring as you look, maybe.” I joked.

“Maybe.” He narrowed his eyes. “So what will we drink?”

“What have you always wanted to try?”

“The Foradori.” Joel looked at me.

Well. He was a chef. He had to know something about wine. I put the bottle through and sat down, pulling out my phone and trying to read reddit through the screen.

“No talking magpies today?” Joel asked, glancing at the book beside me.

“Go hard.” I shoved it over to him.

“Sure.” He picked it up. I rolled my eyes and squinted at my screen. We sat in silence. I glanced at him every now and then. He would scan a page, occasionally mouthing something. I blushed and looked away, feeling like I’d intruded on something private. He was a slow reader, but he was reading, and it wouldn’t make it easier if someone was staring at him.

“Do you like it?” I asked eventually, because my screen was getting worse and I was just scrolling anyway, absorbing nothing.

“Don’t like the guy.” Joel grunted.

“Me either.” I said.

“Do you see yourself as the woman, or the magpie?” He asked me. I put down my phone and stared at the table.

“Neither.” I said slowly. “I see myself as an outside observer, allowed a glimpse into a life.”

“I kind of vibe with the magpie.” Joel said.

“You do?”

“Yes.” He looked at me. His eyes were locked on mine and I wondered if he was trying to tell me something.

“A bottle.” Kurt arrived, sounding annoyed. “That’s all right, you two just sit there drinking expensive free booze while I work my ass off.”

“Nothing is ever free.” Joel said, inspecting the label.

“I wouldn’t know, I’m just HANDS.” Kurt poured the wine after sniffing the bottle. “Sorry, Rubes.” He offered me the glass and I shook my head.

“I trust you.” I let him pour it.

“So why has Romeo let Rapunzel out for a night?” Kurt asked conspiratorially as he finished pouring the wine.

“That’s a very mixed metaphor.” I said.

“Trouble?”

“Or good communication.” I suggested.

“Well. That’s an improvement.” Kurt hrumphed. “So no more talk of making you into a stay at home dependent?” Joel’s head snapped away from the book.

“No more talk of that.” Which was true.

“Ok. Be done in an hour. I would say save me some but….” Kurt whistled as he strolled away.

“He wants you to stop working?” Joel put the book down.

“Not you too.” I sighed. “He actually wanted me to audition again, for orchestras. I was in the National Youth Orchestra but I stopped last year. The only problem is, it takes a lot of practise staying good and you can’t run a restaurant while doing it.”

“Do you really want to play in Orchestras?” Joel asked. “I thought…. Given your taste in music… you’d be more all over like… a metal band.”

“Don’t know any.”

“I know people.” Joel said. “I know some great guitarists who could use a drummer.”

“Really?” I sounded as unconvinced as I felt.

“Seriously, trust me! You have Mondays off right? Let me put you in touch. A jam session.”

“Ok.” I heard myself. Well. Ok? I mean, why not? I could feel a little crackle in my stomach. It actually sounded… kind of… exciting.

—- — —-

Joel was very good at geography.

“Not as thick and boring as I look.” He grinned at me after the round. I tipped an imaginary hat to him.

“Consider me humbled.”

“Oooooh we actually might win!” Kurt squealed. “Don’t you DARE let us down on music, Rubes!”

“Oh fuck, I’m so rusty.” I rubbed my eyes.

“You’ll be fine. Get him another wine, he’s better when he’s tipsy.” Kurt directed Joel. I half heartedly protested but I wasn’t exactly mad when the bottle plonked down on the table.

It was a good crew. Mostly people from work which meant Joel and I were a little outside the group. When you’re the boss you have to step back a little. It’s no good for you and it’s no good for your staff to see you making an absolute drunk tit of yourself. I’d been counting the wines. I was pleasantly buzzed, but not pissed. Joel was maybe a little more dozy but he’d had a sesh with Ramon and Charlie from the smell of it. Even so, he was sticking by me, and being very pleasant. He even seemed to know everyone’s names after all.

He totally carried us through geography. The rest of us had a frankly embarrassing awareness of the world I guess. Kurt could probably have managed literature by himself, but Uni students are a well read group and most restaurants are staffed by Uni students so we cleaned up either way. Charlie was a godsend in sports and all of us had a lot to say in the food and drink round. I could see some of my staff glancing at me as they shouted out the answers. I felt something weird in my chest. Almost like I was going to cry. No one had ever looked at me like that. For approval. So I gave it in spades. And I silently decided maybe we’d do our own weekly quizzes, with little prizes for the top answers. Little shout outs on slack.

Music rolled around, my round- according to Kurt. I couldn’t actually imagine I had a lot to offer. I like music but I tend to play around in some slightly weirder genres. And I hadn’t been paying attention to anything other than scant new releases I might vaguely like for the last few months. All the theory- and even practice- I’d ever done at Uni felt like a sad memory at this stage.

The first question felt like a softball. ‘What disaster did Gordon Lighfoot sing about in 1976?’ But I guess not everyone had a folk phase in high school because no one else knew.

“Gordon Lightfoot?” Joel stared at me. “Guessing he’s a literal muppet based on your Alvin and the Chipmunks thing?”

“Remind me to introduce you to Psychostick.” I grinned at him as I looked up from the paper. “I can only count to four.”

“Spare me.”

I rolled my eyes at him as the next question was called. He rested his head on his hands and grinned. Ah. Winding me up. And it worked. I shouldn’t let myself be baited like that. I focussed on the next question- which I actually knew the answer to as well, because I had a really good memory and a friend at Uni who had a debilitating pop obsession. ‘Which Canadian pop singer found fame on ‘Canadian Idol’ and went on to play Cinderella on Broadway?’

“Presumably not Justin Beiber.” Maria wrinkled her nose.

“Do you know?” Charlie asked me.

“Yeah. It’s ah. Carly Rae Jepsen.” I winced.

“Ohhhh I should have known that!” Joel thumped the table to laughter.

“I’m not a fan.” I said, but no one heard me, because they were fake mocking Joel for being fake into Carly Rae Jepsen. I stared at my drink. Sometimes I couldn’t help it. I just hated being gay. I hated my whole fucking being for finding men attractive. If I was straight and I knew the answer to that everyone would be impressed. I probably just confirmed the worst of what people saw in me though. Soft, effeminate, overweight, pathetic. And single I guess on top of that. I was spiraling, but not so much I couldn’t correct Amy on how many cello suites Bach wrote, and that Hildegard von Bingen was probably the most prolific monophonic composer, and that Charlie Parker was known as Bird. Actually. I kind of perked up after that one. Because so far I’d been batting 100. Maybe Kurt was right?

“This band was formed after the dissolution of heavy rock band Kyuss. They originally started playing under the name Gamma Ray. Who are they? Bonus points for every member you can name.”

“Current or past?” I yelled out. The announcer grinned at me.

“Go hard.” He said with a drawl, not unlike frontman…

“Josh Homme, Alfredo Hernandez, Dave Grohl, John Theodore…”

“Slow down!” Kurt laughed.

“I’m barely through the drummers.” I grinned. “Troy van Leeuwen, Michael Schuman, Dean Fertita, Nick Oliveri…” I paused. “Fuck, I know there are more… Joey Castillo!”

“What’s the fucking band?” Ramon asked.

“Queens of the Stone Age!”

“Ohhhhh.” Maria grinned at me. “LOVE them. You’re a fan?”

“No, he’s just a nerd.” Joel answered for me.

“Fuck off.” I grinned at him. “You going in March?”

“Yea!” She grinned. “So keen!”

“Any more names?” Kurt hustled me.

“Oh man, I dunno! Oh did I say Matt Cameron?”

“You did not.”

“I think I’m out.” I sighed. “Pretty sure more people have played with them, but I’m out.”

“Fuck, you’re a god!” Maria clinked her glass with mine.

I was almost feeling like it. The next three were easy wins for me:

– This band, formed in 1984, is known for suicide, murder, alleged cannibalism, and were some of the founders of Norwegian Black metal. Who are they?

“Mayhem.” Me, and Charlie, and Ramon all answered. The others blinked at us.

“It’s a really good Wikipedia read.” Charlie offered.

– The complete Master Works’, ‘Rize of the Fenix’, and ‘Post- Apocolypto’ are albums by which band?

I gave everyone else half a second to answer but my fingers were tapping. Joel leant forward and raised his eyebrows pointedly, glaring at my hands.

“Do you know the answer?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Ugh.” He sighed. “I don’t know any of these!”

“Yeah but I thought the Rialto Bridge was in the wrong fucking city so there’s really no need to be embarrassed.”

“True enough.” He sighed. I turned to Kurt to see he’s already written down the answer.

“Big fan of comedy music.” He shrugged. “Ooh, they’re touring this year too!”

“What?!” Maria jumped, reading the paper. “Why the fuck are they in NZ?!”

“Well…” Ramon opened and closed his mouth. “Ah. Never mind. I signed an NDA. But let’s just say that project I have a short contract on that may or may not be in Auckland this year may or may not involve one or more members of Tenacious D…” He mimed zipping his lips shut.

– Name the drummer for American rock band Aerosmith.

“The drummer!” Joel glared at me. “Did you write these questions?”

“Does it matter?!” My eyes widened. “We put double points on this round yeah? Joey Kramer.” I nudged Kurt. “And I don’t listen to Aerosmith.” I found myself telling Charlie and Ramon- because I feel like I’d scored a few cool points with Mayhem and I feel like being into Aerosmith was a sure way to lose those.

“Oh, I do.” Ramon giggled. “Up there with Queen, and Metallica and Foo Fighters and Alice Cooper…” Oh. I so shouldn’t have worried about those cool points.

“Oh my god.” Maria clutched his arm. “I have a spare ticket to Iron Maiden.”

“Wait, for real?” Ramon turned to her and I found I had to look away really quickly before I was blinded from the sparks I suddenly saw flying.

The next question stumped me though. ‘Name 5 albums from American pop queen Taylor Swift. Bonus points for naming all.’

The table giggled and Kurt pushed the paper over to me.

“I… yeah this one’s beyond me.” I pushed the paper back.

“Oh come on, no judgment.” Kurt rolled his eyes. Which was petty damning judgment. I so should have flunked the Carly Rae Jepsen question. I sighed. I wrote down Folklore, Evermore, and 1987. I’d never listened to Taylor Swift in my life, but one absorbs some things by osmosis. I shrugged and stared at the group.

“That’s all I got.”

“Oh well.” Joel cracked his knuckles. “Lucky one of us has decent taste in music.” He took the paper off me and scribbled out 1987, correcting it to 1989. He wrote out 8 more, putting little stars beside some of them. “The re records.” He informed me.

Our paper was collected and I was still staring at him.

“What?” He said grumpily.

“Let’s go for a cigarette.” I said.

The din faded and the chill set in as we stepped outside. I was suddenly very very aware I’d just made a choice. We make choices all the time. If you never made a choice you’d never… do anything. But awareness of them can be paralysing. It’s why I like the comfort of the between.

But things fell silent and we stepped towards a heater. My brain was racing and I was trying to catch it. I just… there was something I wanted to understand.

“I just don’t get you.” I said. The wine was making me hot and I was saying things without thinking them through. Joel nodded.

“Yeah. I didn’t get you either.” He mumbled. I missed that. My brain was too busy thinking and not listening.

“Who watches Sideways and loves Taylor Swift?” I lit a cigarette and stared at him.

“You of all people should get that.” Joel chuckled. “Not Taylor Swift.” He quickly corrected himself. “Space cadet- Rueben- people are usually at least a little complex.”

“That’s more than a little.”

“And you?” He raised his eyebrows. “You run a restaurant, you’re an innately good handyman, you’re a drummer, and you listen to Carly Rae Jepsen and Queens of the Stone Age.” Joel tapped his glass absentmindedly. “If you’re fitting neatly into a box, I can’t say I see it.”

“That doesn’t make me particularly complex.”

“But me being a Swiftie does?”

“You’re different.”

“You’re self deprecating and insecure.” He sighed.

We sat in silence, smoking.

“Why do you identify with the magpie?” I asked him eventually. He blinked. I saw him relax a fraction.

“Oh. Well.” He stretched. “I just started the book, and reading comprehension was never where I shone in high school so don’t be mean.”

“I’m not.” I frowned at him. “I like the magpie. I wish I was more like him actually.”

“Oh.” Joel sighed. “Hold on. Gotta pee. I’ll be back, space cadet.” He stood up. I waited for him in the almost silence, listening to the inaudibility of inside and reveling in my not quite soberness.

He plonked another bottle down on his return.

“Right.” He poured me a huge glass and lit a cigarette. “Well. Are your parents supportive?”

“My… yeah.” I might not have said that two weeks ago. But they took me in. No mention of board. No questions asked. With absolute love. “Incredibly supportive.” I said.

“My dad slapped me when I was 13, because I said I wanted to be a chef, and he said that was gay.” Joel said.

“Oh. Fuck.” I poured him a glass as big as mine. “Ok, go on.”

“My old man, he’s not a bad man…” Joel sighed. “This will be long.”

“I’m not in a hurry.”

“Ok. Dad. He just grew up in an old part of the country. He’s very… sharp. Whittled down, you know? He’s old. They should really stop you from shooting when you’re old. He was 60 when he knocked up my mum. He’s nearly 90 now.” Joel stared at the table. “He is a product of the world. The world was mean and cruel and he’s bony and hard because of it. He didn’t hate me because he was scared I was gay. He just knew what being gay would have meant for him. He was trying to protect me.” Joel paused. I made little murmurs of commiseration. My heart was aching. “And that’s a part of me.” Joel said. “But I have dipped my toes out of his world. And I can see softness. Kindness. The soft white belly of unconditional love. And call me selfish and greedy and lazy and stupid for wanting it, but fuck I want it.” He closed his eyes. “I identify with the magpie because I crave that. I yearn sometimes for the old places and old ways and my whanau… but I’m not happy there. And I am warm and safe with people like you. I yearn for that too. And I want… someone to treat me like a king, with kindness, because I love them and I give them what I have, and that’s enough.”

I could feel the sting.

“You… ahhh….” I wiped my eyes in the pretense of a yawn. “You have pretty good reading comprehension.”

“Maybe.” Joel shrugged.

“I’m sorry.” I mumbled. “I didn’t know all that about…”

“Well, I never told you.” Joel said. “I never tell anyone that.”

I opened my mouth to ask him why he’d told me. But he told me because I asked. And I asked because I was warming up for the real question I wanted to ask.

“Why did you try to kiss me?” I couldn’t stop myself. Too much wine. Joel stood up. Then he sat down again. He lit a cigarette. He put it out. He sighed and lit it again.

“Honestly? I hated you for so long. I thought it was was my ego. Jealousy. Or maybe I just couldn’t stand you because you’re so weird. Then I realised I kind of liked how weird you are. I liked how nothing I ever said to you seemed to stick. I could be the world’s biggest ass and it slid right off. Then, I guess one day, I realised it didn’t slide off, you’re just really good at hiding it… and I think that’s when I realised I really like you. You’re made of steel. You don’t win fights by being the best. Or the fastest. You stop the fights before they happen, and everyone leaves in a good mood somehow. You’re a fucking wizard.”

He sighed and opened his eyes wide. He took my hands.

“And I want to kiss you because of none of that. I want to kiss you because I’m a shallow bastard and you’re pretty.”

—- —– —- 3.

“Uh. Almost done here.” Joel winced at me as he sat some distance from me on the bench tables. “Ordering, rosters…”

“Take your time.”

“Oui.” He muttered.

The shift had gone by ok. It was weird, naturally, but we’d had a pretty solid yelling match over table 5’s food going out late which felt pretty close to normal.

…. We’d been sitting inches from each other. His hand had reached out. He’d tucked my hair off my face in the way AJ sometimes did.

And then, of course, Kurt burst outside with a jug, singing that we’d won. We sprang apart. And nothing else happened…

I was gnawing at my finger trying to finish the novel. It was so close to all going to hell. I had to put it down. I couldn’t bear it. I hate unhappy endings.

I glanced at Joel. He was focussed on his screen and his eyes looked far away. I ran my eyes slowly over his baggy t shirt. The tattoo poking out at the top of his neck. His scarred and burned arms and his fingers which were rhythmically tapping. He glanced at me and his eyes widened as he saw the intensity with which I was staring. He turned back to his iPad and shrugged his shoulder a little. He had an old injury there he’d mentioned and it seemed to flare up every now and then.

My hands were clammy, but both of us were covered in the layer of heat and grime and sweat that the restaurant provided. I didn’t really want to talk, or think, or anything like that at all.

I cleared my throat and got up. I got myself a glass of wine. I got Joel a beer. I sat down next to him and he grunted his thanks. I stared at my phone. I slowly moved my hand from where it was resting on the table and let it fall to his thigh. Joel paused in tapping and grew a little stiff. I moved my hand up a fraction. He turned his head sharply and we made eye contact.

And suddenly everything was sharp and crisp: like I’d woken up. Joel grinned at me. I smiled back weakly… and he wasted no time at all. He pulled me towards him and wrapped his arms around me. His hand snaked in my hair and he pulled on it a little, making me moan as I exposed my throat to him. He dragged his tongue up, over my adams apple and moaned as he caught my bottom lip, biting on it- not so hard it hurt but hard enough I could see exactly who he was and how he wanted this. I parted my lips and let him take the lead, pushing me back against the seat and grinding his crotch into mine as he kissed me. He was soooo hot, the way he just… took me at the slightest provocation. I could tell he’d been dying for me from the way he was touching me; grasping at my skin and kissing me like he was desperate for it. I moaned and he pulled away briefly, taking a strand of my hair and tugging at it gently as he fixed me with a look.

“You don’t seem like the type to cheat on your boyfriend?” He asked slowly. I closed my eyes.

“No.” I agreed, my heart thundering. “I’m not.”

“Well. That’s good.” He grinned and ran his hand up under my shirt. He twisted my nipple and I moaned, my head falling back in pleasure. His hand trailed over my stomach so I went to help him and peel my shirt off. He stopped me with a laugh.

“Cameras.” He said.

“None of them work.” I panted.

“Really?!” He grinned. “You never told me that.” He slapped my thigh gently.

“Didn’t trust you not to steal booze.” I grinned and finished taking my shirt off. Joel grunted and his eyes ran over my body. His hands moved to my hips and he squeezed them.

“Do you trust me not to bend you over and take you over the pass right now?”

“I’m counting on it.”

Joel grinned triumphantly and lifted me off the seat and slammed me down over the pass. It hurt but I was aching now. AJ hadn’t touched me in weeks or maybe even months… and I was so desperate to be held… and, well… fucked. Joel wrapped his arms around my waist, ripping my trousers off and moaning as his hand sought my cock and he started to play with it. He pinned me down. His hand was wrapped tightly around my cock and he stroked it. My knees went weak.

“You have to stop.” I begged. “Please… I’m… so close…”

“Already?” He kissed my neck feverishly. “I haven’t even started, baby.” His hand travelled over my ass as he slowed down with his furious pumping of my leaking dick. He kneaded my ass, playing with it, parting it and sliding his fingers up my crack. I grew hot with embarrassment thinking about how fucking utterly gross and sweaty I was, but I shouldn’t have- he wasn’t gonna waste time with foreplay.

“Mmm. Condoms.” He slapped my ass. “Wait there.” I obeyed, trying to stop my brain from turning on and thinking about what I was doing in case I ran away. I played with myself instead- keeping myself buzzed on the horniness by squeezing my dick and gently fingering myself. Fuck. No lube. Unless he had some. Maybe he’d give me the courtesy of spitting on my hole… I moaned as I thought about that.

He approached me, grabbing my wrist and pulling it away from my debauched self pleasuring.

“That’s hot.” He pressed his lips to my neck. “Are you that desperate for me?”

“Yeah.” I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Oh that’s very hot, baby.” He moaned and tried to spread my legs further- which he couldn’t, because they were tied up in my trousers. I moved to discard them and he pushed hard on my back again, keeping me down. “Never mind.” He moaned. I could feel him unbuckling. I could feel him getting closer to me and the heat from his body. And I could feel… his hand, lubed somehow? Parting me and slipping in to my hole with ease. I moaned as he played with me- he knew exactly what he was doing- he massaged my prostate gently, confidently, knowing exactly how to bliss me right out. “I’m not gonna hold back.” He whispered as he wrapped my hair around his fist slowly.

“Then don’t.” I said.

He pulled back on my hair hard and as my back arched involuntarily he slammed into me. I gasped in pain as he moaned with delight as my ass spasmed around him.

“Oooh. You’re sort of tight.” He grunted as he start to fuck me slowly, holding my waist with one hand and keeping my head held firm with the other. I didn’t know if that was a problem or a compliment.

“Been a while.” I panted.

“Then your ex is crazy.” He moaned. He let my head go and I slumped over the pass as he grasped my hips tightly. “Tell me if I’m tearing you up.” He thrust into me. I was tight, but I was so fucking horny. I wanted him to tear me up. His dick seemed unusually big but maybe I was just that out of practice. I’ve never considered myself a size queen but the way he was stuffing me, filling me up so I could barely breathe… using my body like he really wanted it… everything about him had me pooling underneath him.

“Oh fuck you’re so good.” I moaned.

“Yeah?” I could hear his grin.

“Yeah.”

“Moan my name.”

“Joel… please… you’re so fucking hot… you’re so fucking good…” I panted as I started thrusting back. “Fuck you’re so BIG, Joel.” I whined, tossing my head back.

“I know.” He ran his hand over my back. “Mmmm that’s it, keep fucking me Rueben. Gooood boy.” He crooned.

We were violently bucking against each other. It was the raw, impulsive, stupid hot kind of sex where you know it can’t last and you give everything you have. I tried to reach for my cock and Joel slapped my hand away with a growl. I moaned in submission and let him pin me down harder. His hand snaked around me and he jerked me off instead with harsh, almost painful strokes. I was starting to see stars, but I could feel it in his pounding, and the sweat I could feel on my back, and his panting growing heavier that he was close too. He let out a guttural groan and I matched him as I started to feel myself cumming as well. Oh fuck. I was high. I was so fucking high and he felt so good as he clutched at me, and squuezed my dick as his hips slowed down.

“Shit.” He moaned, collapsing on top of me. I grunted and let him lie there for a second, our legs entwined, our pants around our ankles and our breath heavy.

I started to feel sticky, and the pain from the way I’d been manhandled was catching up to me. I wriggled and he let me up with a groan, grinning at me as I turned around to face him, covered in sweat and cum. He motioned for me to pass him a rag and after wiping my chest down I handed it to him so he could get my cum off his hand. He wrapped up the condom and wiped down his dick as I watched him in still slightly stunned silence. He winced at the rag and the condom and glanced at me.

“All good?” He asked. I nodded. “Good.” He said, decoding that throwing the evidence of our impromptu affair in the bin near the pass would have to do as he straightened himself out, pulling his shorts up. Fuck, he did have a massive cock. Even soft it was outrageous. I slowly mirrored him, pulling my trousers up and heading back to the bar to grab my t-shirt as I started to feel self conscious. “You want a lift home?” He asked. “Tory street right?”

“Oh… I’m actually staying at my folks for a bit.” My voice was steadier than I expected.

“Oh, right.” Joel scratched his neck. “I mean. I’m not sorry but… you know. Sorry.”

“Thanks.” I smiled at him. “I can walk.”

“You wanna come over?” He asked as he grabbed his bag and started packing up. I glanced up and he caught my eye. “Not to…” He gestured at the pass. “I dunno. Game and smoke for a bit? I dunno. Might be nice not being alone? Or maybe you want to be alone?” He looked at me thoughtfully and I considered that.

“You sure?” I asked slowly.

“Yeah, you can borrow a t- shirt and stuff.” He smiled.

“Thanks.”

—- —

We drove home in his RAV4 in a semi awkward silence.

“Beats?” Joel asked eventually. “I tried that weird Alvin and the Chipmunks thing. Kind of cool.”

“Oh yeah?” I smiled. “I actually tried Taylor Swift.”

“And?”

“And she fucking sucks.” I giggled as Joel reached for me, grabbing my knee and squeezing it.

“You don’t actually listen to pop girlies do you?” He asked. “Despite your Carly Rae Jepsen factoids.”

“Afraid not.” I grabbed his hand before he removed it. “Although… there is one song I’ll admit shows up in my Spotify wrapped.”

“What song?” Joel grinned.

“Don’t.” I glanced at him.

“I won’t tell.”

“Boy problems.”

“Fucking banger!” Joel grinned. “Put it on!”

“Sure you don’t want…” I scanned my brain for the worst and weirdest band I could think of. I snapped my fingers. “Dragonforce.”

“What?”

“It’s a cover. You’ll love it.” I put on ‘Wildest Dreams’ for about half a minute as Joel begged me to turn it off.

“Sorry.” I laughed. “I 100% know how awful that is.”

“Do you?!” Joel winced. “Anyway. We’re here. Thank fuck.”

— —-

The insomnia didn’t seem to be relieving me anytime soon, and Joel seemed just as on edge. He lived in a flat clearly occupied by several guys, and I could see him wince a little at the mess. As if I would care. I was living at home with my parents. Any mess was preferable to slinking back home. We sank on to the couches- him in a different seat- with a beer each and an ashtray between us.

“You smoke inside?” I frowned.

“Only weed.” Joel sighed heavily. “You have any?”

“No.”

“Ok.” He yawned. “It takes two?”

“Huh?”

“Game?” He gestured at the PlayStation.

“Oh. Sure.” He set it up and I tucked my legs under myself. I hadn’t touched a game in years. Not since my X-box had broken. I never replaced it. AJ just didn’t game.

“You mind?” He asked as he sank beside me.

“No.” The opposite. I was almost leaning into his warmth.

He explained the controls to me and I stopped him.

“Dude, I’ve used a PlayStation before.” He laughed and relaxed against me, his arm falling over my shoulder.

“I was trying to be nice!” He said. “I’m not assuming you’re an amazing gamer, or someone who’s never picked up a controller. ARE you an amazing gamer by the way?”

“Fuck no!” I leant into him. “Na, keep it up, I need all the support I can get. Is this a competitive one?”

“Actually it’s a we work together one.” Joel nudged my knee. “That cool?”

“Yeah.”

—-

It was god knows what hour of the morning and Joel had died for the tenth time.

“I really thought you’d suck at this.” He sighed flatly as he died again. “Damn.”

“You were going ok until just now.” I yawned.

“I reckon it’s cos I’m starving.” He agreed. “You must be too, saw you skipped staffie today.” He stood up and sighed as he headed to the kitchen. “Don’t get too excited.” He warned me, opening the fridge. I laughed.

“I used to be a chef. Cigarettes and white bread with Olivani was my diet for years.”

“I have pita bread and hummus?” Joel looked over his shoulder at me. “And naturally cigarettes as well.”

“Go hard, but I’m ok.”

“When did you last eat?” Joel looked at me critically as he straightened up. I glanced over my shoulder at him.

“Dunno. I’m not hungry though.”

“Hmm.” He raised his eyebrows and his mouth grew thin, but he didn’t say anything.

He put some in front of me. I really wasn’t hungry though. Turns out all it took to curb an appetite was a lot of cigarettes and getting dumped. We kept playing, and it was nice- solving problems together, and chatting about work and responsibilities and occasionally drifting to our families.

“It’s good.” He eventually said, waving the bread in my face.

“I told you I’m not hungry!” I flicked him away. “Is that so hard to believe?”

“A bit, when you haven’t eaten for 12 hours!” He paused the game. “I’m ravenous!”

“You work out!”

“I think most humans experience hunger pretty regularly despite their gym schedules! AND I saw you there this morning!”

“Joel, I’m not…” I closed my eyes.

“Sorry. Food is my love language. I think I’m taking you not being hungry really personally for no reason.” He took a deep breath. “Sorry.”

“No, I mean… don’t be. I’m sorry for being so… loud.” I cringed.

“Oh, no one’s home.” Joel shrugged. “Music festival up North.”

“No one’s home?” I repeated. My controller had already slipped loosely from my grip.

“Yeah you’re good.” Joel turned to me. I smiled weakly at him as my body started to act on its own. I slipped to my knees and he let out a low grumble as I reached for his flies. “Oh… Rubes… don’t…” He mumbled, his eyes closing.

“Don’t?” I took his hand softly and looked up at him. His mouth twitched a little as he peered at me through his eyelashes.

“Mmmm.” He ran his fingers through my hair and I felt myself lean into the touch hungrily. “Not here.” He sighed. “Come on.” He grabbed my hand firmly and launched the two of us up, kicking at the tv to turn it off as he dragged me away from the couch. He pulled me into his room. There was no time to look around, his hands were all over me and our lips were tangling again. I moaned, pressing myself against him tightly as he wrestled with my t shirt, pulling it off and throwing it on the ground carelessly. Joel grinned, pushing my hair off my face and running his eyes possessively over my torso. “I love your body.” He said, cupping my pec. I scowled and slapped him away.

“Don’t.”

“… Don’t what?” He caught my hands. “Compliment you?”

“Lie to me.” I mumbled.

“Oh.” Joel gently pulled me closer to him and wrapped his arms around me. “I’m not, dumbass.”

“Do you have a fetish?” I pressed my head to his chest in spite of myself.

“For what?”

“I dunno.” I stepped back and stared at the floor. “Heavy guys?”

“Oh.” He frowned. I could see he was actually thinking about it. “No.” He said eventually. “I wouldn’t really have called you heavy?” He shook his head. “Either way, not what I look for or what I avoid in a guy. And all that aside, I do love your body.” He cautiously pulled me towards him again. “But I can limit myself to dirty talk about your dazzling intellect if you’d prefer?”

“That’s ok.” I found myself laughing. “I… I guess I’m just…. I know I’m not perfect…”

“No ones perfect?” Joel frowned. “You have some really high standards for yourself there.”

“You’re pretty close to perfect.” I glanced at him. He grinned.

“You’re just buttering me up.” He started to run his hands over my body and bent over to press his lips to my neck. “It’s definitely working.” He mumbled.

His hands drifted over my shoulders. One hand was snaking down to my ass while the other was groping my chest. I was melting. I closed my eyes to divorce myself from reality. To live in what he made me feel, and only there. Joel pinched my nipple and I bit my lip as I shuddered with pleasure.

“Christ, I love your body.” He moaned. “Take your fucking pants off.” He directed as he tore off his own shirt and started stripping. I obeyed, fumbling with my flies and peeling my jeans away, sighing with relief as I freed myself from their constraints. Joel slipped two fingers in the waistband of my trunks and dragged me towards him again, his hand snaking around me to grope my ass. I ground against him, enjoying his hard nipples pressing into me, and his abs against me, and his fucking hard cock tenting his boxers and jutting into my hips. I reached for his waistband and started to tug his boxers down, my mouth practically watering as my eyes followed the sexy dusting of hair over his pelvis. His cock spring out- oh fuck, he was so huge, and I felt myself moan and fall to my knees. “Fuuuck.” Joel grunted as he looked down at me, his hands tangling in my hair. I inelegantly leant in, just desperate to taste him, and we both moaned in delight as I wrapped my mouth around his thick, veiny dick. “Fuck yes, goooood boy.” He crooned. God, I could feel my own dick leaking into my trunks as I closed my eyes and let my throat relax as I gagged on him.

I loved it. I loved the submission, the raw, intense, sloppy power exchange. I liked making him feel good. I pressed myself closer to Joel, wrapping my arms around his thighs. This would have been way easier on my knees if I’d had the patience to let him sit down but there was something so hot in the desperate way I’d fallen into him. His hands were on my head again, and he was directing me, forcing my head back and forward, occasionally holding me firm and grunting as he fucked my throat. I let him take me, allowing myself to be soft and pliable and whatever he wanted. Fuck, I felt so used. So loose. So completely in the moment.

His hand drifted under my chin and I blinked my eyes open as he tilted my face to look at him, smearing the spit and sweat and precum that was drooling from my mouth away with his thumb. He groaned as our eyes met, and guided me to my feet, pulling me close to him and throwing us on his bed together. His hands circled my thighs, just below my ass and he hauled me up to straddle him, his cock bouncing against mine with only the now almost wet fabric between us. My eyes had been watering a little from the blow job and he wiped my face as he pulled me closer, his eyes closing and a rumbling coming from his throat as he kissed me again and again..

He paused to breathe and I started to kiss his chest, working my way back to his cock when he stopped me.

“Can I fuck you again?” He panted, playing with the waistband of my underwear. My hole was already twitching and I nodded, reaching for his bedside table. He laughed and let me, holding my waist and stroking his hand over my chest gently. We only paused briefly as I fumbled with the condom and he peeled my underwear away, helping me to wriggle out of them as I rolled the condom over his dick. He grinned at me as his thumb brushed my nipple and I shivered. “Hmm.” He deliberately took my nipple between his thumb and index finger and played with it gently. My dick throbbed and I let out a tiny sigh of pleasure. “Sensitive?” He teased.

“A little.”

“Pass me…” He gestured to some lube I hadn’t noticed lying next to his condoms. “Come here.” He pulled me in close again, his arm wrapping around me, reaching for my hole. I whined as he gently started to play with me, still a little sore from earlier. He teased my hole, his hand guiding his cock closer so I could feel him rubbing against me. I pushed back on him, manipulating my hips and trying to take charge. Joel moaned and let me, closing his eyes and struggling to breathe as his cock breached me. “Shit.” He moaned.

“Shit.” I gasped back. My body was exploding with pain from my well used hole, and pleasure from where Joel was hitting me, and the sheer fullness I suddenly felt was overwhelming. “Joel.” I panted.

“Yeahhhh…” He squeezed me tight, dragging me closer to him and pressing our skin together feverishly. He clasped my head in his neck and wrapped his other arm around me, groping my ass passionately as our hips thrust hard against each other. I was totally pinned to him, just barely able to grind my pelvis against his as he dominated me. He was clasping me so tight, pressing kisses into my neck and shoulders as I moaned his name. He was fucking me rough and fast again and our cries started to get louder.

“I’m…” He warned me, panting.

“Yeah.” I moaned as he somehow caught me even tighter in his grip, forcing me to stop moving and take it as he thrust up into me, using me to get himself off. I could feel him cumming; his dick throbbing and his muscles clenched around me burning with the heat between us. He held me there fast as his breathing grew steadier, resting his lips on my head.

“Ah fuck.” He sighed eventually, and carefully untangled himself from me. I winced as he slipped out and discarded the condom and we sat, drenched in sweat, looking at each other. My own raging hard on was still begging for attention and Joel’s eyes alighted on it as he looked at me. He tucked his hair behind his ears and grinned. “Return the favour?” He offered.

“I’m uh…. More of a…. giver.” I shrugged. “That was…” I grinned and stroked his arm a little awkwardly. “Great.” I finished, feeling myself blush. I mean. It might have been the best sex of my life.

“Oh aye?” Joel raised an eyebrow and grabbed my wrist. “Come here.” He growled, flipping me around so I was resting on him, my back against his chest and his dick nestling under my ass. I opened my mouth to protest and frowned as he wrapped his hand around my lips, silencing me. I almost bit him, only he leant in and brushed his lips over my forehead and squeezed me gently. “Shhh.” He murmured. “I’m so horny for you. Wanna make you cum.” He ran his free hand over my chest and wrapped it around my cock. “That ok?” He let my mouth go and tilted my head so he could see my face. I nodded, my hips already betraying me by thrusting into his hand. He grinned and wrapped his arm over me, gently playing with my nipples as he massaged my cock. I closed my eyes and pressed myself against him, moaning and shuddering from his possessive touch. I let myself relax and twitch in his arms, my legs spread and my hips lazily thrusting to meet his hand. Joel was moaning deeply again, that rumbling from deep in his chest. He pressed his lips to me, licking my throat and kissing my ears and making me squirm under him. “Oh you’re so close, Rueben.” He whispered. I felt my abs tense in anticipation. “You like this?”

“Yes.” I panted.

“Like it when I dominate you?” He growled. I moaned.

“Fuck you.” I managed, barely. He laughed.

“You do though.” He stroked my cock slowly.

“I do.” I agreed. I turned my face to look at him and met his eyes. “I’m so close.”

“Yeah?”

“Please, Joel.” I begged without him even telling me to. His eyes fluttered closed for half a second and I could feel a throb of desire from his almost totally spent dick where it lay under me. He groaned and his strokes slowed on my cock, his grip tightening.

“Again.”

“Please Joel.” I let my arm curl around the back of his head. “Make me cum.” I whispered. “Please.”

“Fuck Rueben.” He moaned. “Moan for me.”

“Joel…” I pressed my lips to any of his skin I could reach. “You feel sooo gooood.” I moaned.

“Fuck.” He grunted. His hand sped up as my hips jerked erratically. His other hand gripped my waist possessively, his fingernails digging in. I pressed myself into him as I felt an orgasm building. I moaned his name over and over, because every time he heard it his hand gripped tighter and his rhythm got steadier. My abs tensed and then my pelvis and I groaned as I felt my balls throbbing with my load. I clutched at Joel as I exploded, almost seeing stars, my cum hitting me in the chest and then oozing over Joel’s hand. His hips were rocking gently against mine as I came, his dick still semi hard. I wondered fleetingly if we would need to do another round. I wasn’t sure I could. I seemed to have gone limbless.

Joel gently extracted himself from underneath me and rolled us over so I was lying on him again. He grinned as he took me in and pushed my hair off my face.

“We should probably shower.” He said.

“5 minutes?” I struggled to catch my breath. He wrapped his arms around me and sighed happily.

“5 minutes, but I’m about to fall asleep.” He yawned. “Ugh. I should probably change the sheets.” He groaned.

“Not on my account.” I started to stretch out and see if I could remember when and where all my various bits and pieces started and ended. “I don’t care.”

“Thank God, that was gonna be way beyond my capabilities.” He watched me stretching, checking me out almost absentmindedly. I felt a need to cover up all of a sudden, which is kind of weird when you’ve just been dicked down twice, and I awkwardly hopped off the bed.

“Shower?” I checked. Joel grunted and got to his feet, throwing me an oversized t shirt that just about covered everything as he wrapped an old slightly damp towel around himself. He nodded for me to follow him.

He turned on the shower and hunted in his bathroom drawers, sighing after he slammed the last one shut.

“No spare toothbrush.” He shrugged. “I would like… share… but that’s extremely gross.” I nodded in agreement.

“I’ll just use my finger.” I smiled at him. “Thanks anyway.”

“You want to shower alone?” He asked as he checked the water. Ugh. It was gonna make me sound like the clingiest fucking bottom in the world… but I still, really didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts.

“Uh… it would save water if we go together.” I suggested. Joel beamed at me as he dropped his towel and stepped closer, pulling his t-shirt over my head.

“I’m spent though.” He took my hand and pressed me against him as he reached for some soap. “In case you thought we’d check off shower sex as well.”

“There’s no way.” I laughed. “My ass isn’t magic.”

“Agree to disagree there.” Joel started rubbing me down and I laughed at him.

“Ah, can I do me?” I rolled my eyes. “Think I remember how to clean myself.”

“And deny me your body?” Joel sighed dramatically as he handed me the bar of soap. He reached for what was presumably his flatmates body wash instead and sniffed it dubiously as he helped himself. “Ew what is that?” He offered it to me. I shrugged.

“Something fancy from Lush, you’re definitely getting in major trouble for using that.” Joel shrugged.

“Ah well. Worth it.” He grinned, wrapping his arms around me.

We fell back into his bed and Joel immediately wrapped himself around me, clinging to me like a baby monkey.

“Joel.” I sighed heavily. “For the love of god, please get the fuck off.”

“Aw, no cuddling?” He pouted and rolled off me, giving me the sappiest puppy dog eyes.

“It’s hot.” I complained.

“So we’ll ditch blankets?”

“And heavy!” I laughed. “Aw, dude, sorry but I like my space.”

“Fine.” He grinned at me and pecked my forehead before turning over. “Night, Rubes.”

“Night.” I turned my back to him and curled up. Thankfully, with how late… early? It was, and the fact he’d really tired me out, sleep came before I had half a second to get in my head.

—- —- —- 4.

It was almost like I’d been drunk for 24 hours. When it’s happening everything seems raw and real and right.

But when you wake up… there’s this fuzzy, sinking, horrible feeling that you’ve done something

just unbelievably stupid.

I felt sticky. I felt sticky and hot and my gut was sinking to the floor even as I held onto my dreams with every strand of consciousness I could. No good. I couldn’t close my eyes and pretend things weren’t real forever.

What the fuck had I done? What was I meant to tell AJ? Texting a random dude was bad but this… this actually might be unforgivable.

I rolled over to check my phone and see if he’d called and I felt the bed creak gently with my movements. I love your body. What a joke. Joel was a liar- either because he didn’t love my body or because he did have a fetish. My cheeks burned. Oh fuck. I was probably some stupid bet, or some stupid box he’d just ticked. ‘I slept with my fat boss’. I should never have let my guard down. Now I was in deep shit with AJ, and I was about to be humiliated at work, and I hated myself for letting the impulsive, horny idiot that I didn’t even know I was inside out to fuck up my whole life.

Maybe I should quit my job. Maybe AJ would take me back if I told him I was working on myself and taking his advice. Now was as good a time as any. Just not even show up at work ever again. I snorted- tempting, but I knew I couldn’t walk out like that.

It was just after 9am. I yawned. I’d need to be at work in a couple of hours. I’d need to dash home and shower and change clothes. I had to get up, hopefully while Joel stayed asleep, and start to practice pretending this never happened.

I started to peel myself off the sheets and heard Joel grunt as he roused himself.

“Hey.” He yawned. “You off?”

“Yeah.”

“What time you in today?”

“Was aiming for 11 ish?” Joel glanced at the time and nodded.

“I could give you a lift in?” He offered. I glanced at him as I retrieved my jeans.

“Uhhh…. I was kind of thinking…. We maybe… don’t show up together?”

“Good point.” He relaxed into his pillows. He looked at me, the exact way he’d looked at me last night: hungry. I felt my insides responding in spite of my brain and I quickly turned away to get dressed. “Leave those, I’ll wash them.” He said as I reached for my underwear. I stifled a laugh.

“And hand them back to me over the pass?” I suggested.

“Ah, fair point.” He winced as I picked them up and shoved them in my pocket. “Ew. Slut.” Yeah. Pretty much exactly what I’d been thinking about myself.

“Takes one to know one.” I smiled tightly. “Ok. I’m Audi. Thanks for uh… the…”

“Mind blowing orgasms?” He suggested. “Anytime Rubes.” I nodded awkwardly. “I mean that.” He said, sitting up a little. “We HAVE to do this again sometime, you know, on the DL.”

“Yeah.” I glanced at him as I reached for the door. “I’ll hit you up.”

“Nice.” He nodded at me. “Catch you at work then.”

“See ya.”

—- —- —-

I mumbled a good morning to Mum, mentioning I’d stayed at a friend’s. I hated that. Explaining where you’ve been to your parents when you’ve lived away for so long is excruciating. She gave me a once over and passed me a mug of coffee and neither of us said anything else about it.

When Joel showed up at work I started experiencing full body waves of humiliation. He’d always had the self awareness of a bird’s reflection so the strutting and preening and good mood wasn’t surprising. But it was physically painful to watch. Like a testosterone fuelled performance designed to tell everyone in the whole building he’d got laid. The shame was impossible to shake off. It clung to me, sitting heavy over my body like a hot itchy blanket. I tried desperately not to think about Joel, but I kept drifting back, replaying things over and over, sometimes imagining them differently. Cringing at myself and how I fell for him and his body and his ‘I’m a sensitive guy’ thing. He’d seen me NAKED! He was probably laughing his tits off. Yeh I fucked the manager. He was easy. Practically begged me, the fat sack of…

“The fuck is wrong with you?” Kurt hissed. “You just about made Georgie cry!”

“What?!” I crashed back to reality, hearing the way I’d just spoken. “Oh fuck. Cover her section?”

“Sure but…” I sprinted away and grabbed Georgie.

“The way I just spoke to you was unacceptable. I apologize, George. No idea what came over me.”

“Yeah, what was that?” She glared at me. I could see her eyelashes were wet. I winced.

“Me being a cunt because I was caught up in my own head.” I swallowed. “I know you’re incredible. You are so fast. You’re in the background of everyone’s sections making things go smoothly. I think you’re one of the most solid people I’ve ever worked with and I appreciate you so much. Fuck ups happen. They happen to everyone. And I snapped for no reason, and I understand if you need to take a minute, but I know I shouldn’t have said it.”

“Thanks.” She turned her head to one side. “That was weird actually. You’re normally so nice. Are you good, Rubes?”

“I’m…” I closed my eyes. “I’ll be fine. Take five, I’ve got your section.”

“Thanks.” She smiled at me and wiped her face. “You’re all good, Rubes. You ever bark like that again at me and I’ll fucking quit- but I know that’s not you.”

“Thanks.” I mumbled.

I headed back to Kurt and relieved him. He shook his head at me.

“Everything ok?” He leant on the bar, staring at me. “It’s like uno reverso day in here. Joel clearly got laid, he’s in the best mood of his life, and you’re skulking around like a wounded Rottweiler.”

“Well I got dumped.” I said shortly.

“Oh fuck.” Kurt’s face fell. “Oh, Rubes.” He waved to one of his tables and started moving away, wincing apologetically at me between his smiles at his tables. “I’m taking you out after this.We are TALKING!!” He trilled.

“We are not.” I mumbled.

—-

“What happened?” Kurt lit a cigarette with wide eyes. I wasn’t closing, so we finished around the same time and I let myself be led to the local pub that stayed open till the wee hours. Kurt had sat me down and bought us an awful bottle of wine. I hung my head.

“You know that random guy who you told me not to text?”

“Wait, Rubes, you didn’t fuck him?!” Kurt sat bolt upright.

“No!” I shook my head at Kurt furiously. “No! No, but I did text him. It was so fucking stupid of me. Anyway, AJ saw his texts back and they were so fucking… horny! It looked so bad. And now he won’t speak to me.”

“Why the fuck did you text him?” Kurt asked gently. He seemed genuinely confused. Bless him for not thinking the absolute worst of me.

“I don’t know!” I rubbed my face. “I was mad at AJ, we keep fighting, he thinks I’m hideous and he hates me half the time and I didn’t know how to fix it!”

“Did you… think that…”

“Obviously I didn’t think texting someone else would fix it!” I sighed. “I just… look, I just know I don’t bring any value to AJ’s life, and that feels shitty all the time but it feels really shitty right now- and sometimes… you just want to feel like you have value, you know?”

“Oh dude.” Kurt sighed. “Buddy, you should never feel like you don’t have value. Especially with your boyfriend! Of like, what… six years right?”

“Eight.”

“Eight…” Kurt’s brows knitted together. Yepppppp. There was that look. I get it whenever anyone starts doing the math. My skin went a little hot. I stuck my chin out defensively. Just because we were… not currently together… didn’t mean I was willing to hear Kurt’s theory on ‘appropriate age gaps’ or whatever he was about to get into.

Kurt opened his mouth and closed it. He took a shallow breath. “Since you were 16?”

“Yes.”

“I thought AJ was like 30?”

“Yeah, he’s in his 30s.” Kurt’s eyebrows were moving further and further up his face. If he didn’t watch then they might fly away.

“I’m um… struggling to come up with a number where I feel like that’s ok.” He said eventually.

“I think our generation can just be weird about age gaps?” I cleared my throat. “My parents are eight years apart.”

“Yeah but were either of them a minor when they met?”

“They met after uni.”

“Yeah that’s uh… bro. That’s not the same.” Kurt closed his eyes. “Your relationship is starting to make a lot more sense.” He mumbled. “So… ah… how old… exactly… is AJ?” I poured us each more wine and lit a cigarette.

“You already said you don’t feel like it’s ok.” I said eventually.

“How bad are we talking?!” Kurt’s eyes bulged.

“He’s 34.” I said.

“Thirty fucking four!” Kurt whistled. “Fucking fuck, Rubes! Fuck, are you OK?!”

“No? I’ve been dumped? But otherwise fine.”

“How did you even meet?!” Kurt was shaking his head. He lit another cigarette, even though one was burning in the ashtray.

“He coached my soccer team.” I shook my head. “Look, it’s worse on paper than in real life. He’d been coaching me for a couple of years, we just clicked, it all happened organically and it’s never been an issue ok?”

“Except you CONSTANTLY have issues!” Kurt spluttered. “He withholds sex, he belittles your career, he makes you feel like you have no value, he never lets you hang out with anyone… Just because he waited till you were 18 to start fucking you doesnt…” He trailed off, catching my eye. I tried to make my face seem neutral. But Kurt can read me really well. “Oh.” His whole body deflated. “We never did anything illegal.” I mumbled.

“Yeah no shit he didn’t. How old were you when you met?”

“Does it make that much of a difference?” I practically whispered. I wasn’t really arguing. Because I heard it. Some things sound REALLY bad on paper.

“15?” Kurt guessed.

“14.” I lit a cigarette.

Kurt nodded slowly. He finished his glass of wine in two very impressive gulps.

“Oooohhhhhh- Kay.” He sighed slowly. “I’m… I’m not qualified, bro. But I love you man. And fuck AJ! Fuck, I’m glad you broke up! You are so much better off without him! You’re young! You’re smart! You’re hot!” I snorted. “Oh you are.” Kurt rolled his eyes at me. “Since you starting hitting the gym everyone fucking checks you out. Don’t pretend you don’t see it.”

“I’m not buying it, but I appreciate the effort.” I folded my arms.

“Enough self deprecation!” Kurt sighed dramatically. “Jesus Christ you drive me crazy. Are you actually delusional or do you just really want to hear that you’re hot?”

“I know what I’m working with.” I mumbled.

“No you don’t.” He protested. “And I’m not the one to get it through your thick skull. You want me to help you set up Grindr?”

“Dude I’ve been single for five minutes. I’ve only ever had sex with…” I felt myself blush. Kurt didn’t need to know EVERYTHING. “I’m not ready for that kind of thing ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, alright. That’s definitely pushing you in the deep end. Tinder?”

“I don’t want another guy.” I folded my arms.

“Yeah but you need one.” Kurt sighed. “You… fuck me. You have a lot to learn about love, my friend. And sex, probably.”

“I’m good.”

“Sure, be moody and withdrawn forever.” Kurt sighed. “Hey, want me to put you in touch with a therapist?”

“Not really?”

“I think you should see a therapist.”

“I think I can’t afford it.”

“Well you’re not paying rent anymore are you?”

Oh. Rent. Good point.

—- —- —-

I’d just paid rent. That actually gave me a little goal. Next week, before it went out- text AJ. Ask him if I should stop payments.

—- —- —- 5.

I was hungover. My brain didn’t work and I was grateful. When my brain worked it was just go, go, go to no good end. But I’d ended up getting sloppy with Kurt, who seemed to be drinking to fill his own pit of concern. I could see it in his eyes. I didn’t want to ask him about it. I had a horrible feeling it was about me.

“You up for a jam session?” Joel yawned as we stood opposite each other on the pass. It was the slowest lunch we’d had in ages. He’d cut everyone but the dishie and I’d cut everyone but my barista Maria, in the hopes that maybe that would make things more fun. But it was sunny and gorgeous outside and it seemed like everyone was dining al fresco.

“Oh! Yeah actually.” I responded way quicker than I meant to. I cleared my throat. “Like with you?”

“Ha ha.” He rolled his eyes. “Na, I mentioned to my mates- Roy- I live with him, and his brother Blake- that I knew this drummer and they really need one for their band Technicolour Pachyderms…”

“Oh…”

“And I kind of told them you’d be over tonight?” Joel met my eye.

“Over where?” I winced.

“Kelburn. I’ll give you a lift on my break.”

“So you’re coming?”

“No, space cadet, I’m working.” He raised his eyebrows. “Are you not keen?”

“Ah…”

“I could reschedj?” He offered. “We’re both middle shift tomorrow yeah?”

“Na.” I swallowed. I could be cool. “Tonight sounds great. Are you sure you can give me a lift?”

“Yeah, course. I’ll drop you off and do intros and we can have a sesh before I head back.”

“You reckon you can do a dinner shift sober?” I glanced up at him.

“Not if it’s this quiet.” He slumped over the pass. “My COGS are gonna be fucked.” He groaned, swatting at a stray fly near the pass.

“Let’s do a happy hour special.” I leant on the counter. “What’s fucked?”

“We don’t do happy hour here.” Joel shot daggers at me. “This is a fucking restaurant, not a gastropub.”

“Fine.” I folded my arms. “Short cocktail list, heading ‘Carpe Diem: Harvest of the Day’. 4-6pm then it’s not ‘happy hour’. $15 bites. What bites are we offering, chef?”

“$15? Not exactly cheap.”

“Compared to a $30 tapas plate?”

“Will it work?”

“Better than trying nothing.” We stared at each other. Joel started to shake his head, a small smile breaking out.

“God you make me cry with happiness sometimes Rubes.” He grinned. “Ok, we’ll do a sesame crust deep fried halloumi with chilli honey, tempura zucchini flowers with a za’atar tzatziki, uhh…” He checked the fridges under the counter. “Salmon sashimi with shiso maple glaze….” He poked his head up. “I also have chicken wings. Meant for staffies but fucking all your staff are vegetarian. Can we sell wings? They’re free range.”

“Yeah totally, do three per plate with… fuck it, can you do a blue cheese dressing?”

“Na.” Joel tapped the counter. “Hmm. What about a miso glaze? We don’t need anything with it do we? For a ‘bite’?”

“Bit of colour?”

“I need my scallions for brunch.” He chewed on his bottom lip. “Wish I had some coriander.”

“Literally anything green you need to use up should be fine.”

“Even if it’s just to recoup costs I want more than fine.” Joel glared at me. “Ok, hold up. I’ll do a quick red cabbage brine. So miso roasted wings with shredded brined cabbage…”

“Sauerkraut?”

“Only it’s not is it? And not kimchi.”

“Shredded brined cabbage sounds like ass.”

“Well so is sauerkraut.” Joel sighed. “Shredded cabbage with sesame apple vinegar dressing. Ok?”

“You ok if I refine that a bit?”

“Oh fuck you chef.” He sighed. “Yeah go print the menu. I’ll prep. Maria can handle this eh?” I looked over the one table of a single lady on a laptop who’d been there for an hour.

“Yeah I think she can handle this.”

— —- —

The business of going off book and embracing happy hour helped with my hangover, as did worrying about a jam session later. I hadn’t done a jam session since I was knee deep in Orchestra. That was always just a bunch of us trying to out do each other and show off for half the time, and usually coming together pretty naturally to do something really nice for the other half. I’d never done anything with amateurs. That sounded harsh. Note to self- don’t call them amateurs. It was more than that anyway. It wasn’t just the actual playing- I mean I could probably hit some cheap drum kit with a couple of sticks and make it sound good with my eyes closed. But could I do it and get Joel’s friends to… like me? I really doubted it.

“You’re being weird.” Joel switched the stereo off on the drive over. The Edge. He truly had awful music taste. “Am I dragging you into something you don’t want to do?”

“Na!” I smiled. Ah, that wasn’t coming across as sincere. “Ugh, no seriously I’m super keen, I haven’t played in ages. I just also haven’t… met people in ages.”

“Yeah I feel you. This job kind of fucks up your social life eh?”

“Yeah.”

“They’re good mates.” Joel gently clasped my leg. “Call me if they’re arses. I’ll pop Charlie on lead and come get you.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” I laughed.

Joel made introductions and I suddenly felt like I was 5 years old, hiding behind my mothers leg, being forced to meet the kids at school. Fuck, was I really that shy? I ran a fucking restaurant! I charmed the pants off strangers every night! But I wished I was at home, in a bath, smelling my mum’s cooking. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and hide for the day of my life until I had to go to work again.

But I tried pretending. We had some beer and some darts and made some jokes before Joel went back to work. Roy rallied us into starting. He played lead, Blake played bass, and they’d never played with a drummer. They had their own material but I kind of wanted to know what I was dealing with and asked if they knew any covers. A whole bunch of Iron Maiden apparently. I couldn’t really envision it without drums. But they gave it a go.

I listened, thinking about it. Roy was younger but he was clearly the actual talent. Blake was an excellent frontman and in a way it was a shame he’d gone the bass route, because he had an amazing set of lungs on him and if he focussed on that he could have fooled me into thinking he was a real musician. The real problem was, they were both playing in different time signatures.

“So…” Blake pushed his hair off his face. “I guess you slot in on drums.”

“That wasn’t our best.” Roy mumbled.

“Do you… I was thinking maybe you guys could… try that with a metronome first?” I tried not to sound too much like a stuck up asshole. I’m not sure it worked.

“I thought YOU were meant to be the metronome?” Blake raised his eyebrows at me with a look that said I was worth less to him than the dirt on the bottom of his shoe. I found myself tripping over my words. I can deal with that at work but for some reason I turn into an uncomfortable mess when I’m of the clock.

“Well, eventually yes but you aren’t listening to each other- and you have no idea what this is meant to sound like anyway so even if you were it wouldn’t help. We need to get you in time so that when I’m in the mix you actually hear me and get it…” Oh man. I sounded like such an ass.

“This is really big talk for someone who hasn’t even touched the drums.” Blake said. I twisted my hands awkwardly.

I hate drum solos. They’re fun to play, for sure, but it’s pretty rare that I ever feel like a drum solo enhances a song. I mean. Drums are the foundation of good music, and it’s half ego but it’s mostly true that drummers are usually the best players and kind of hold a song together. But that’s why I love percussion. I love that one gong sound after 86 bars of nothing that lifts the whole piece and welcomes in a key change. I love the soft syncopated bass of davul. I love elevating art, not showing off.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t sit down at a drum kit and bang out a fucking good beat.

I looked up as I finished, twirling the sticks in my hand and feeling the sweat drip down my back. Roy and Blake glanced at each other.

“Alright.” Blake blinked. “I guess we try a metronome.”

— — —

Drumming. I’d kind of forgotten. It was a really, really good way to drown out my own thoughts.

My parents still had my old kit in the garage, as far away from their house as they could legally put it. I started lifting in the morning and drumming when I finished before 9pm. AJ still wasn’t calling. I wasn’t sure if I was meant to be begging for forgiveness or moving on. So not thinking about it was a pretty good compromise.

And at work….

It was…

I mean awkward isn’t the word. If anything- Joel and I were getting on, in a weird relaxed way that we never used to. He wound me up, but I kind of… almost liked it. And I gave it back like I always did, and Joel kind of smiled and laughed…

Shit. He was so hot.

And he…

He was so easy to be around. Well- when we weren’t in the middle of service, and he’d burned a whole tray of snapper pies. But I wasn’t that easy in that situation either.

I caught him looking at me from time to time. Just in a way. I don’t even know what kind of way. I just know every time he did I could feel my cheeks get a little pink. My heart thump.

Having said that, he was in one hell of a mood today. Like he used to get when we were having particularly bad weeks, and costs of goods were way out and wage costs were too high. The best nights are always late summer- but the days were brutal at the moment; with the cost of living so high and public servants worried about their jobs. The owners got all stressed, and that meant clamping down on any intuition and creativity and that meant Joel was getting grumpier by the day.

And today was worse than usual. I was on the late shift and Joel was on a double and I arrived in the parking lot at the back to Ramon losing a fight with the rubbish bins.

“Woah, fuck dude, no!” I pulled him off without even really thinking about it and managed to wrestle his arms to his sides. He glared at me, breathing heavily. He closed his eyes and I felt his body go limp as he fell into an awkward hug.

“I’m quitting.” He said.

“Please don’t.”

“Unless I get one hell of an arse licking apology from his royal fucking chef, I am leaving after service tonight and never coming back.”

“What the fuck?” I met his eyes. “What’s Joel done now?”

“He threw a hot potato at my face.”

“What a cunt!”

“Ass!” Ramon’s lips twitched. “Kind of funny. But what an ass!”

“Why..? Not that there’s ANY excuse for….”

“I forgot to set a timer.” Ramon’s face fell. “There was a fair bit burnt. I did fuck up.”

“Well normally when one fukcs up they get a lecture, not physical abuse.” I sighed. “You ok?”

“No, I’m quitting.” He kicked a pebble gently. I couldn’t hear much conviction in his voice.

“Fair enough.” I said. “I’ll be your reference.”

“Thanks Chef.” Ramon smiled at me. “You have a way with him. If he plays nice and sucks my dick a bit we might be ok.”

“I’ll tell him to put on some chapstick.” I clapped Ramon on the shoulder and he nodded at me and lit up a durry. Great. Putting out fires before I was even on the clock.

I walked in on him reaming Amy across the pass for making a mistake on an order. I didn’t know what the mistake was, but I did know it was loud enough for customers to hear and Amy was in tears. I hustled her away, gave her a pep talk and a half hour paid break, and marched back to the kitchen.

“If you really have to cuss out everyone in the building can you at the very least do it out of earshot of the customers?” I sighed, rubbing my temples.

“Could you train your staff to not fuck up EVERY FUCKING service?” Joel whispered through gritted teeth.

God, I couldn’t wait till five when we could both take a…

Huh.

A break.

I wonder…

I rationalised it easily. You’d think that how terrible I’d been feeling about AJ would have stopped me. But I kind of saw it as a business decision. Joel was being the world’s biggest cunt. I had a chef threatening to walk out. I had staff at their wits ends. I had a feeling I could help.

“Joel.” I stopped him as he was wrapping his knives aggressively an hour later.

“What?” He glared at me.

“I need you in the office for a second.”

“I’ll just…”

“Now.”

He glared at me. His jaw clenched and I could see his muscles tensing. I didn’t back down for half a second. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Oui.” He said coldly. He dropped his knife roll on the bench and followed me as I started to head to the office. I glanced around as we moved. No one. Cameras were broken. I grabbed him and shoved him into the bathroom.

“What the fuck are you….” I locked the door as I wrapped one hand around his waist and looked up into his eyes. His eyes fluttered and he paused.

“Hey.” I wrapped my other arm around him. “You’re on edge today. You ok?”

“I’m just…” He cleared his throat. His cheeks were going a little pink. “What are you doing?”

“Checking in.” I slid my leg between his thighs, pressing us against each other gently.

“Check in with everyone like this?” He was snaking his arms around me in return.

“I usually use the right tool for the job.” I let myself whimper as his hand slipped between my jeans and my underwear. “I’m worried about you. You’re really acting out today. Did something happen?” He pressed his head to my shoulder and sighed.

“No. I’m…. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not me you need to apologise to.” I whispered, brushing my lips against his neck.

“I’m sorry I let you down by being a cunt.” He sighed and swung us around, sitting on the toilet and pulling me into his lap. “I’ll apologise to the chefs as well. Especially Ramon.”

“And Amy.”

“And Amy.”

“I’d appreciate that.” My hands undid his flies and his mouth dropped open a little as he allowed himself to be propped up so I could pull his pants around his ankles. I knelt before him, cringing a little at the state of the bathroom floor. He shuffled forward and closed his eyes as I ran my hands over his thighs.

Weirdly, I actually found my heart rate rising, and my body leaning in when he ruffled my hair. I could feel my cock stirring and I had to tell myself I was just gonna have to wait, that this wasn’t about me.

I kissed Joel’s inner thigh and he sat back and moaned very, very quietly. I licked his balls as gently as I could manage and slowly drew my tongue over his shaft.

“Good boy.” He murmured. “That feels so good.” He was throbbing with each stroke of my tongue and I was struggling not to make horny noises of satisfaction and the feeling of his hard cock in my mouth. I was drooling all over him in my efforts and he was thrusting into me lazily, breathing heavily.

“Not gonna hold back.” He whispered. I didn’t stop to reply to that, but I was relieved- this was a little cramped and my knees were starting to feel damp from… I didn’t want to think about it. “Baby…” He inhaled sharply and I stifled a moan as his hand gripped my head, scrunching my hair, and his cock started going crazy: releasing hot, thick strands of cum down my throat. I swallowed, feeling my eyes glaze over as I went cum drunk.

Joel pulled me up and onto his lap again, holding my waist and wiping my face off. He smiled at me, looking about as brainless and happy as I felt.

“Rubes!” He hissed, chucking at the same time. “Come here.” He pulled me close and before I could stop him, he was kissing me tenderly. “You know,” he managed in between our mouths meeting, “I will always listen to you. You don’t need to suck me off every time you need to tell me to get it together.”

“You do seem in a better mood though.” I smiled as he ran his hands over my chest. He tutted and shook his head at me.

“I’m not a dog.” He cautioned. “You better not be pavloving me into anything here.” He kissed me again.

“You did seem like you needed to relieve some tension.” I caught his hands and made him pause. “You also did seem like maybe something was wrong. I wasn’t just asking for the hell of it… are you actually ok? Because we can get Charlie to do a few lead shifts if anything is…”

“Aw, Rubes.” Joel tucked my hair behind my ear. I felt warmth in my chest. I smiled at him. “I haven’t been getting enough sleep.” He muttered. “Too much weed and screen time. I’ll work on it.”

“I’ll check in.”

“I hope you do.” He grinned at me. “Come here…” he tried to pull me in to kiss him again and I stopped him.

“As much as I want to keep making out with you in the bathroom all night, I need to get some admin done before my break.” I stood up and Joel sighed, blinking up at me.

“Well. I appreciate the pep talk.”

“Anytime.” I brushed my hair back into place. Ugh, any longer and I’d need to start tying it up.

“Here.” Joel fumbled in his pocket and threw a stick of gum at me.

“… Thanks?”

“Your breath smells like my dick.” He grinned. I paused with my hand on the doorknob. I’d been about to check outside and make my escape but I was suddenly beet red and physically cringing.

“Oh my god.” I mumbled. I quickly unwrapped the gum as Joel stood up, nonchalantly, and flopped his penis in the sink to rinse it off. “I really didn’t need to see that.” I shuddered.

“Deal with it.” He sighed, shaking it off. “Bathroom sex has consequences Rubes. I can’t work with cum baking into my crotch all night.”

“Ew.”

—- —-

I saw him talking to Ramon, his head in his hands. Ramon was nodding. He caught my eye and grinned at me. He mouthed a thank you and I grinned with relief.

Dinner service was actually lovely. I felt like I was bouncing around, mostly on top of things. My head wasn’t quite there… I was day dreaming. My mind was drifting. Not an unpleasant experience but I was lucky we weren’t having any issues since I was in la la land.

Fuck, I was horny.

My plan had been to check in with AJ tomorrow. He’d have to at least give me a yes or no about rent, surely? And that meant maybe we’d be back together and he could scratch that itch.

But… there was also Joel.

I was putting away cutlery by the pass, listening to him chatting to Lara about his weekend plans, which were so far: smoking and sleeping. I tried not to react to that, but I glanced up and Joel was giving me a bashful smile. Lara turned away to finish the risotto.

“You have tomorrow off?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah.”

“Up to much tonight?” I asked, rearranging the plates to the left of the pass.

“Na, just…” Joel paused and frowned at me. I met his eye and gave him the tiniest smile I could manage. He grinned. “Closing late probably? Think I’ll be the last one here.”

“Yeah late one for me too.” I yawned.

“Lift home then?” Joel suggested casually.

“Thanks.” I nodded at him and drifted away, trying to hide the grin on my face.

—- —-

“So your place or mine?” He thumped down heavily beside me at the end of the day, just us left in the building, spreading his legs and letting his hands fall behind his head. I grinned and let myself look at him for a second, my eyes traveling over his tensed triceps and his waist where his shirt was riding up. I turned back to my laptop and rubbed my neck.

“Well I live with my parents…” I slapped his hand away as he reached for my thigh. “Stop, I’m not finished.”

“Ugh, don’t look at me like that then tell me to stop.” He laughed. “Aight, my place, perfecto.” He sighed and tapped his foot. “Close to finished?”

“Go browse reddit.” I nudged his knee. “Five minutes.”

“Oui.” He sighed, pulling out his phone. I tapped away, glancing at him occasionally as I paused to think about things. Fuck, he was even hot lounged over a chair looking bored out of his brain with half his stomach hanging out. I grinned to myself. AJ would never be caught dead looking so laissez-faire. I quickly turned back to my work before Joel caught me staring and finished up.

“Ok.”

“Finished?”

“Yep.” I closed my laptop and Joel slid over to me, grinning from ear to ear.

“Those cameras still broken?” He whispered as he leaned in close to me, his stubble brushing my cheek.

“Yeah.” I wrapped my arms, and then- fuck it, my legs, around him. He moaned as he held me close to him, lifting me on to his lap and trailing his hand down my chest as I clung to him. He pushed my hair away from my forehead and his fingers tangled tightly in the curls as he held me. He grinned, pinning me close to him and directing my head. I watched him intently as we ground our hips against each other and he groaned in delight feeling how hard I was. He pulled me in close, one hand on the small of my back, and then held me, just out of reach for falling into him…

“Fuck.” He murmured. His eyes flickered from mine down to my lips, and over my whole chest, before looking back at me. His hand gripped the back of my head tighter and I closed my eyes in anticipation, struggling against his grip to reach him. My eyes fluttered open to see him grinning at me, holding himself away from me.

“What are you doing?” I panted.

“Winding you up.” He pressed his lips to my cheek and I felt myself shiver as his stubble grazed against me. He was touching me, just barely, like a whisper. He wouldn’t let me go to kiss him. My cock twitched as he stared into my eyes.

“Why?” I mumbled.

“It’s real fucking hot when you look at me like this.” He bit his lip. I swear I could feel the pre leaking into my underwear. I closed my eyes and heard myself whimper as I rolled my hips against him.

“Joel….” I murmured. “Kiss me?” He pulled my head close again. I could hear a soft growl as he tilted my chin back and licked firmly up my neck. He bit my earlobe gently and I felt his breath tickling my lips.

“Beg me.” He said. I could feel my cheeks burning. Beg him? For a kiss?? No way! Yeah, but what was I gonna do; not play along? And miss out on the delightful waves of embarrassment that were sending tingles over my body and hardening my dick and making my fucking nipples throb? I fluttered my eyes open and met his eyes.

“Joel…. Please…” I moaned.

“Oh, fuck yeah.” He picked me up with a grunt and swung us around before slamming me on the table. I winced as I briefly thought about the thousands of people who had yet to eat there and the cultural connotations of what Joel was about to do to me and my laptop, which was right in the line of fire if any limbs were about to flail the wrong way…. But everything went out of my head as Joel slipped one hand up my shirt and teased my nipple, the other managing to undo my flies and snake its way around my underwear. “Love how wet you get for me.” Joel murmured. My cheeks were on fire with shame. He grinned and paused to rip my jeans off and press my legs apart. My back arched involuntarily and my legs bent, welcoming him in seemingly on their own accord. He grunted and knelt between my legs, taking my leaking cock in his mouth. I gasped in pleasure and let my hands tangle in his hair. He held my waist tight, almost thrusting my whole body into him, like he was devouring me. I’d never had head like that. I was totally at his mercy, his soft mouth taking total ownership of me. I could feel my toes curling in pleasure.

“Shit, Joel.” I moaned. He squeezed my hips. “Joel….” I whimpered, wanting to thrust back, but with no ability to do anything other than lie there. “Ohhhh… oh wait… shit….” I tried to push him off me and he growled as our eyes met. “No, fuck me first, please…” I begged as we read each other’s minds. He wanted me to cum. His mouth was still wrapped around me and my cock was throbbing. If he started up again I’d lose it. “Please, Joel…” I bit my lip. He smiled and slowly drew his mouth from me, licking the mess we’d made around my abdomen.

“One sec.” He squeezed my ass as he stood up and disappeared. I took the half a second to quickly stow my laptop away before lying back on the table and running my fingers through my hair. Fuck, what was he doing to me? Getting roughly fucked at work… twice…. I mean… I would have never have….

Joel reappeared and sank into my embrace. He kissed me as he fingered my hole… with… I squinted at his makeshift lube. Right. Olive oil. Well….

“Hey- you ready?” Joel murmured, caressing my face.

“Yeah.” I wrapped my arms around him.

“Mmm.” He groaned as he rearranged us and impaled me.

“Fuck!” I whined. God, maybe I wasn’t ready. I knew he was big! It was too late though- something animal had taken over Joel’s body. He was holding me tight in his grip, moaning as he thrust into me. My body caught up quickly and I relaxed around him, letting him use me. “Fuck Joel….” I moaned over and over. He grunted and his body held me tighter. We were glowing with heat and sweat was dripping from every crevice. Joel reached for my dick and held it loosely as his moans started slowly deepening. I throbbed in his hand and felt myself melting with the heat and overstimulation… I gasped as I felt it coming all of a sudden. “Oh Joel.” My eyes flew open and he was looking at me intensely. He pushed my hair off my face and grunted as my eyes rolled back in my head and my dick started spurting cum. His rhythm slowed and I could feel it- he was coming too. I let myself fall apart in his arms as he finished.

We lay against each other as we caught our breath.

“Hey, bud, pass me your apron.” Joel’s stubble tickled my face as he sat up slightly and gestured.

“Here.” I passed it to him and he pressed it between my legs as he withdrew from me.

“You’re fucking kidding me.” I groaned. “You better fucking pray fucking cum stains wash out of that. Did you not use a…?!”

“Hmm.” He grunted as he held up a split condom. “Lucky I can’t get you pregnant but…” He rubbed his neck. “Unlucky. I guess we what? Get tested?”

“I guess.” I bit my lip. “I mean… I’ve been practically celibate for like 6 months but…”

“Well, anyway.” He caught my eye and sighed. “Sorry bro.”

“Na, shit happens.” My lips twitched. “You can’t help it that your stupid oversized cock bursts through regular condoms…”

“Oh shhhh.” He laughed. “I think we can blame horny user error not my anatomy. I’ll be more careful. Sorry, Rubes. At least I can reassure you that everything washes out of those aprons.” He winked. “Trust me.”

“Ew.” I sighed and sat up. “You know, on this, I do.” I winced as I gently wriggled to the edge of the table and pressed the apron against my hole as I stood up. “Ah shit.” I hung my head. “Uh. Thanks. That was… you know. Fucking great. You can like…” I gestured vaguely at the door. “Head home if you want. I better like…” I winced. “Clean up.”

“No round two at mine?” Joel pouted at me. “We’re both off tomorrow. Come over? Have a sesh? Let me fuck you till you can’t walk?” I giggled in spite of myself. That was one hell of a better offer than ‘go back home to mum and dad’s’. He grinned and ruffled my hair. “You go clean yourself up, Rubes. I’ll sanitise the table.”

“Appreciate it.”

—- —

“Oh.” Joel pressed his head against his front door. He glanced at me and bit his lips as if he needed a second opinion. “Uhhh…. Horny brain forgot my flatmates are home?” He shrugged at me. “Ummmm…. Is that ok?”

“Ah… sure.” I gripped my bag tighter. Sure, small talk with Joel’s flatties wasn’t high on my agenda… but I could get through it.

“Mean.” He sighed with relief and let us in, hollering out a greeting as we entered. “Yo; this is Rube from work.” He introduced me as the smell of weed hit me in the face.

“Oh yeah, nice to meet you bud.” Someone pulled me in for a hug.

“Rube? Rueben?” A particularly floppy and red eyed guy peered at me and Joel. “Thought you hated…”

“Yeah ok, who’s sharing?” Joel quickly spoke over him and ushered us into the room.

“Here.” A joint was pressed into my hand and I thanked the long haired guy with deep circles under his eyes. I pretended to inhale. I never actually smoked weed. I’d fallen into cigarettes in spite of AJs disapproval because so many people in hospitality smoked, but I never really went to parties or anywhere weed was handed around. I knew how to pretend I knew what to do and puffed puffed passed while the others talked about the gig they were going to.

“Splinter?” Joel was shrugging. “Don’t know them.”

“They’re groovy as hell!” Roy was saying, thank god for a familiar face. “Super young and super talented. Good drummer. Not as good as Rubes though.” He grinned at me. “Where’d Joel pick you up anyway?”

“Work. I told you.” Joel grunted.

“He’s that Maitre D’ cunt Joel’s always complaining about.” The red flag eyed guy piped up. Joel and I looked at each other. Well. I’d never exactly raved about him either.

“Hey I need a dart.” I excused myself.

There was a hammock on the deck and I crawled into it, closing my eyes for a second. I felt a weight join me, and a beer pressed into my hand. Joel put his arm around my shoulders.

“I’m not always complaining about you.”

“Oh weird. I am literally always complaining about you.”

“Um.” Joel cleared his throat. “Let’s just hide in my room.” He suggested.

“No, I don’t want them to think we’re…”

“Um…. We are though?” Joel laughed. “They don’t care.”

“I might.”

“Do you?” He frowned at me. “Oh. Ok then. Well. Let’s have this beer out here. They won’t be long anyway, I think the opening band starts in like half an hour so they’ll be off shortly.”

“Ok.”

We smoked in silence for a minute.

“I don’t like, bring sluts home every other night if that’s what you’re worried about.” Joel said.

“Uhhh…. New fear unlocked.” I winced. “That’s not what…” I sighed. I didn’t want small talk with a bunch of guys judging me. Judging me because I wasn’t cool, they didn’t think I could play drums, I was punching way above my weight with Joel…

When I was with him I didn’t seem to be caught in my own head too much. But other people made that hard. I couldn’t seem to correct the stiffness of my body and overthinking everything I said.

“What’s up?” Joel nudged my shoulder.

“I guess I just… I guess I just get a bit worn down with putting on a face for people all day.” I mumbled. “Sorry, I’m sure your flatmates are great… I like Roy… I just wasn’t… like… ready for it…”

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

“I’m ok to just chain smoke alone if you want to socialise?”

“Na, I see those cunts everyday.” Joel yawned. “Much rather catch up with you. How was your week?”

“Alright.” I bit my lip. “Work’s been good. Has it?”

“Yeah.” He laughed. “You have literally saved our budget with your happy hour deals. We’re making it rain for Lyds and Marty.”

“Yay for Lydia and Marty.”

“They’re happy, I’m happy.”

“Amen.” We laughed at each other.

Eventually his flatmates left, and I think someone had said something to the stoned guy because he was really nice on the way out. Joel and I returned inside.

“Ugh, about time.” He sunk into the couch. “Come here, babygirl.” He beckoned me over to him and patted his lap. I laughed out loud, but I did follow his direction.

“You did not just call me ‘babygirl.'” I swung my legs over him.

“I did.” He giggled, tucking my hair behind my ears, before gently running his hand up the inside of my t-shirt. “Stop being so babygirl if you don’t want me to call you…”

We glanced up as the door reopened and Roy caught my eye.

“Forgot my phone.” His lips twitched. I felt the blush crawl over my skin. Christ, I really hope he hadn’t heard that exchange.

Joel was also blushing, but he didn’t remove his hand from me, so he can’t have cared that much. Roy grabbed his phone from the aux, humming to himself. “You boys have fun.” He winked as he left again.

“Uh. Sorry about that.” Joel cleared his throat. “Thought we were… alone alone…”

“No worries.” I managed. We were both blushing furiously. I guess neither of us were huge fans of public displays. He sighed and stood up, taking me with him, and I stumbled as he set me down.

“Come on then.” He looked me over calculatingly and before I had time to process, I was being scooped up and carried to his room. The wind was totally knocked out of me and I struggled to breathe with his arms bulging around me, holding me tight. Fuck, he was so strong.

“Don’t give me that look.” Joel laughed as he let me go, falling heavily to his bed. He leapt on top of me. “I think you liked that.” He pressed his lips to my neck and purred. “You like the way I treat you, babygirl?”

“Is your back ok?” I panted.

“Doofus.” Joel sighed. “Here I am, trying to get you all turned on and you’re acting like my mother.”

“I was surprised.” My heart was beating a stupid fast from the adrenaline. Now that the shock was abating, I could feel butterflies in my stomach. I gazed up at Joel and he stroked my face.

“You’re such a pretty boy.” He whispered. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I was struggling for something witty, something to deflect him, and my brain was short circuiting. Joel smiled and leant over, pressing his crotch into me as he started to kiss me. I moaned, feeling his cock harden while we kissed. His hands explored me, taking my clothes off. I pulled at his t-shirt and fumbled with his jeans until he stood up to strip properly before falling back on the bed, entwining himself with me. He held me close, his hand running up and down the curve of my hips as we let our cocks rest against each other. We kissed desperately, messily, inelegantly, pressing ourselves so hard against each other I could feel our sweat mingling.

“Hey, uh…” Joel paused, pushing me away a fraction. “Do you…. Like is anal the be all and end all for you? Because this is really nice…” He stroked his own cock as he spoke, and reached for mine, just gently fondling it.

“Oh…” It had never really occurred to me that anal… wasn’t the be all, end all. “Yeah, uh… this is really nice.” I mumbled as he caressed me.

“Nice.” Joel moaned. He reached over me and grabbed his lube. He pooled it in his hands to warm it up before reaching for both of us. He closed his eyes as his hands tugged our dicks. I let myself curl into him and slowly moved one of his hands to my hips, taking over and finding my own eyes were closing as I wrapped my fingers around his dick. I heard myself moan. He felt so good in my hand, his thick cock sliding up and down… his veins… the way his dick would throb occasionally… and his hand around me felt possessive- in a really hot way. Possessive and like… caring, as stupid as that sounds. My head fell to his chest and I felt his lips kiss my head gently as he moaned. “Fuck Rubes.” He grunted. His voice was so deep, it drove me wild.

“Fuck, Joel.” I moaned and started to thrust my hips gently. His fingers gripped my skin tighter. I moved my hand, to gently fondle his balls. He groaned.

“Real close.” He mumbled.

“Ok.” I kissed his neck.

“Can I… here….” He panted. He rolled us over and drew my legs wide apart. He gently ran one hand over my taint and pried my fingers from his cock, jerking himself off feverishly as he looked at me. I took his cue and reached for myself, wrapping my hand around my cock and thrusting. “Fuck…” Joel moaned as he watched my face falling slack with pleasure. “Oh fuck Rubes… ohhhhh…” He moaned as his cum hit my stomach. Without really thinking, I sat up and pressed my lips against his cock. He moaned harder, his hands tangling in my hair. I swallowed the rest of his load, blinking up at him as his hips stopped moving. He scrunched my hair a bit and smiled, panting. “You cum from oral?” He asked, sliding down the bed and kissing my abdomen, avoiding his own cum splash.

“I think I’ll cum from a gentle breeze right now.” I mumbled. He licked my shaft gently and my eyes rolled back in my head. I actually don’t think I’d ever cum from oral in my life- but given how rarely AJ had ever given me head, that didn’t really surprise me. I was all wired up and so ready to release, and Joel’s mouth and throat could take practically all of me, his hands dancing over my balls as he sank his mouth up and down. I moaned, and tried to push him off me before it was too late.

“Joel…” I whined. I reached for his shoulders to give myself a chance to finish myself off. He looked up, right into my eyes and… growled. I blinked as he closed his eyes again, bobbing his head and sending vibrations through me as he moaned around my cock. I let myself fall back against the bed and sighed as my balls tightened. “Joel…” I whimpered. I relaxed and let myself fall apart. He moaned as I throbbed in his mouth, pulling away gently. He smiled.

“Night, Rubes.” He kissed my stomach, rolled over, and to my chagrin- he was asleep in seconds.

—

I woke up to him spooning me, his hard dick pressing into my ass cheeks. I yawned. He grunted.

“Don’t move.” He said. He moaned as he started to move his hips, grinding into me.

“Seriously?”

“Uhhh… not if you don’t want to.” He pressed his face to my neck. “Sorry.”

“Na, go on.” I stretched a little and pressed back against him. “Not like I have to be anywhere.”

“I’m… not… you…” Joel sighed. “Baby, I love fucking you, but… you know… you’re like… a guy, not a flesh light so…”

“I think this is working for both of us.” I reached behind me and pulled him closer. “To be totally honest…” I bit my lip. “I think I’d prefer to be your flesh light than AJ’s nullified househusband.”

“God, he sounds charming.” Joel nestled his head in the crook of my shoulder. “What on earth were you sticking around for?”

“We’ve been together for eight years.” I mumbled. Joel sighed as he squeezed me tight.

“I see.” His chest reverberated against my back. “High school sweethearts. That’s hard.” He kissed my neck. “Bet I eat ass better.” His hand found my ass and he squeezed. I raised my eyebrows.

“As if.”

“He was that good huh?” Joel pulled me around to look at him, and I smiled at the outrage on his face.

“As if you eat ass.” I clarified. Joel shook his head, staring at me in utter disbelief.

“Come here.” He sighed eventually, flipping me over. I wriggled and tried to roll back over.

“Woah, that wasn’t a challenge!” I blushed furiously as he held me still and spread my legs. “Seriously! I haven’t…”

“I actually don’t care.” Joel lazily pressed me back into the mattress. He ran his hands over my back, caressing me, feeling the soft curve of my waist and gently stroking my ass. “You gonna shut up and enjoy this?” He asked as he spread my cheeks.

“Uh…”

“Shut up, Rubes.” Joel sighed. He kissed each of my cheeks softly. I kept my mouth shut. I mean… he knew what he was doing… I think…

“Oh Joel…” I moaned. He squeezed my ass and parted my cheeks before moaning as he kissed my taint, his lips brushing against my balls. He drew his tongue up my crack and kissed my hole. I let myself fall further into the mattress. Shit. “Joel…” I mumbled as his tongue flicked up my crack, darting in my hole, making my guts twist with the heat of desire and depravity. “You really don’t need to…”

“I want to.” He paused, holding me down with my ass pressed up to the sky. “And I want you to shut the fuck up. The only thing I wanna hear from your mouth is you moaning my name.”

“Joel…” I managed to wriggle away from him and drew my arms around myself. “You don’t have to prove anything.” His face fell. He swallowed as he pushed his hair off his face.

“Ah… sorry?” He bit his lip. “Do you like… not like that?”

“I…” Well. I mean I LIKED it. It felt INCREDIBLE. “I…”

“What’s going on?” Joel reached his hands out for me.

“No, nothing, I….”

“Communicate or I’ll give you a hickey.” He pulled me gently into him and I laughed as he pressed his lips to my neck and grazed his teeth threateningly. “Go on, baby, you hate it? You like it but you don’t cum from it and you’re shy about that? You like it but you’re a total pleaser and would rather get me off?”

“I… I like it and I feel a bit selfish.” I mumbled.

“Oh, Rubes.” Joel chuckled. “I love doing this. Promise.”

“I dunno how to… enjoy it.”

“Hmmm.” Joel wrapped his arm around my torso and tweaked my nipple. “But it feels good?”

“Yeah.”

“And it gets me all hot and bothered when you feel good.”

“You really like it?”

“You like sucking me off don’t you?”

“Uh… yeah but I’m not sure I’d like….”

“Sometimes things aren’t super rational, Rubes.” He kissed my cheek. “Here.” He clasped my hand and I whimpered slightly as he rubbed it over his cock. “I am so hard.” His voice rumbled. “Can I eat your ass?” He moaned. “Please?”

“Yeah.” I moaned and pressed my back to the bed, hinging my hips up obscenely.

“Oh fuck…” Joel grunted. “That’s a good boy, Rubes.”

He ran his hands over my cheeks and spread them. He ran his tongue from my balls to my taint and I shivered. As he started to nuzzle my hole I felt myself relax, melting under him into a warm puddle of horniness. My dick was only slightly hard but my whole body was so turned on, every pore seemed like an erogenous zone. His chest rumbled with deep sighs- he was moaning and grunting, and I moaned his name in response. It wasn’t long before I could feel his hard dick poke my thighs as he worked. Oh fuck, he was so turned on…

He gently started to play with me: running his hand over my balls and gently stroking my cock, penetrating me with one finger…

“Oh you like that.” He smiled. “This feels so good, yeah?” I met his eyes, my hair everywhere, sweat dripping down my pink face, my eyes wild. “Oh baby.” He crooned. His eyes narrowed as he looked over my body and moaned to himself. “Fuck, baby.” He held me open gently, and pressed his lips to my hole again, slowly drawing his tongue over my hole, teasing the rim. He massaged me with his finger while he kissed between my legs, playing with my balls with his tongue, trying both… I was losing track of what was happening, my cock and hole both twitching with pleasure. I started shaking. I felt hot- a fraction ashamed because I was so close and this was meant to be foreplay… but Joel’s breath hitched as he felt my body tense.

“Oh baby, you’re close?” He moaned, pressing his face deep inside me and continuing to tease me.

“Mmmm.” All I could manage in response. I was expecting him to speed up- the only times AJ had ever given me head and I got close that was what he did- but Joel stayed steady, getting me to the edge with exactly what he was doing. “I’m…”

“Yeah, good boy.” Joel crooned, milking my cock gently, his stubble grazing my cheeks. “Leak for me.”

I heard myself moan and felt myself thrusting into him. I lost all control, feeling my cock strain and cum all over his hand, and my hole twitch against his tongue. Leak for me. God, why did he say it like that? He made it sound so… involuntary. I moaned as my body grew weaker and rolled myself into Joel’s arms.

“So, best you’ve ever had or…?” Joel shrugged at me with faux modesty. I snorted. “Really?” His eyes widened as he sat up. “There no way your ex was better than me!”

“No competition.” I nudged his arm and dragged him to settle in with me. “Best I’ve ever had but no one’s ever done that before.”

“You’re fucking with me.” Joel’s nose wrinkled.

“Na. AJ…. Wasn’t a fan..” I shrugged. “I assumed most guys weren’t actually?”

“Not all guys are, but don’t settle for one who doesn’t love it.” Joel tutted. “For the love of God tell me you were just as sparing with your mouth.”

“Sure, if that’s what you need to hear.”

“Ugh, what a dick.” Joel gagged. “I think I hate him.”

“You’ve made that clear.” I rolled my eyes and pressed myself against him. “I’m still buzzing.” I wrapped myself around him. “Can I make you feel good?”

“Oh, baby.” Joel immediately softened. “I do feel good.”

“Uh…” I slid one leg over his to straddle him. “Let me rephrase… I want your dick?”

“I see.” He grinned. “We can work with that.” He took me in his arms and paused as my phone began to ring. He sighed and reached for it. He picked it up to hand it me and glanced at the screen. His face fell. He went stiff.

“It’s AJ” His voice dropped.

“What? No?”

“Yes.” He shoved the phone hard at me and I answered, feeling the hot spikes of adrenaline course through me.

“Uh… hello?”

“Oh Rubey.” He sighed. “It’s good to hear your voice.”

“Did you… mean to call?” My heart was hammering.

“Yeah, of course.” He sounded irritated for half a second but he sighed again and his voice softened. “I just saw you’re still paying rent. And then… well. I thought… I just missed you so much. Hey, have brunch with me today. Maranui. 11am.” It was already 10. “I really miss you. And I think we should talk.”

“Oh… ok… I’ll..”

“I’ll see you soon, darling.” He hung up.

I stared at the phone in my hand.

“You better shower.” Joel broke the spell that had me frozen. I flinched as I looked at him.

“That… that was…”

“I know. I heard.” He smiled. Overly wide. His teeth were showing too much. “Have a shower, baby- sorry-Ruben.”

“O… h..Kay.”

“Come on.” He kind of threw me off the bed before bundling me up in an old t shirt. He threw me out the door and gestured to the towel closet. All with that fake cheery smile on his face.