Nate just watched me, unblinking.
“But at the same time, I can’t even pretend I don’t love everything we do. That I love fucking being with you. You make my body come alive. Fucking alive. And that’s all there is. You have… sparked such incredible sensations in me, that I never had thought about, but now that I have them I… God, I fucking need them. That’s what kinda freaks me out. If this was just a casual affair, like with some side chick or something, it would be so easy to write it off. To keep it totally surface level. But… this is more. The way you light my body up like a pinball machine, that’s nothing casual. It’s overwhelming. I fucking love it, like fucking love it like you wouldn’t believe. I want it more than anything. And that freaks me out. It’s too big. Too big for us… and that’s why we should walk away.”
Nick looked at me for a minute, then looked down. Finally, he raised his eyes again, cocked his head and said very deliberately, “Wait. Are you saying…?”
“I don’t know what I’m saying,” I said bitterly. “And it kinda doesn’t matter anyway because when I saw you again… fucking saw you? It made all the bullshit inside my head blow away. Decision… gone! There wasn’t any grand plan, there wasn’t any distant future, there was just… how much I needed to fuck you.”
Nate looked at me for a minute, then burst out laughing. I was relieved that it sounded like real mirth, and not some sort of sardonic sneer. “Will, you overanalyze your life as much as you do your baseball stats. But I gotta hand it to you, I love that in the end it all comes back to sex.”
I punched his arm.
Nate winced theatrically. Then with a deliberate flourish, he leaned back against the kitchen island. He just looked at me for a minute, before finally started speaking his mind. “I can’t help but notice in this complicated, garbled proclamation you just gushed forth that you haven’t really given me a chance to say what I want, what I think, or what’s on my mind before deciding what I get to do.”
I looked down. “Touché.”
Nate stared wordlessly at me for a beat, and went on with cool deliberation. “Look, Will… I think I get your point. I just think you have it backwards. You somehow have locked in on the idea that a fluffy, mindless romp would be easier to get involved in because it didn’t mean anything anyway, so could be called off without a thought when you had to. Or that mildly enjoyable sex is better to do because it’s so inconsequential. But I don’t buy it for one second. And I don’t think you really do, either. I’m just gonna say it: what we have going on has absolutely floored me, hit me in places I never knew existed. Touched me in ways I never thought possible, and has fucking blown me away. This matters. I wouldn’t be holding on this tightly unless it mattered. And that’s why we should embrace it! It is always the hard things–the things you have to really work for–that are the most worth having.”
I looked him in the eye.
“And yes, I get it… this is fucking crazy. My wife matters, too. Other things matter. Yes, we have to figure things out, and that will take time, thought, and work. But I want us to try. And God knows I want to keep fucking around. And the whole fucking reason I want us to keep fucking around is this fucking matters. It might even be special. That’s not a reason to freak out, it’s a fucking reason to celebrate. To grab on harder. I wanna see where the fuck this goes.”
I breathed out heavily. “I think… well, I hadn’t thought about it like that.”
“Will, my man? You do too much thinking. That’s why you keep having these mental breakdowns.”
“Fuck you. And who’s fucking talking? When you had your mental breakdown after our first time, you all but punched my lights out. Or you would have, if you could even throw a punch with those puny little muscles.”
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Nate got a big, huge indignant grin on his face, and said, “Oh, yeah? I wasn’t even fucking trying back then! If I wanted to fucking punch your lights out, I would’ve totally punched your lights out!” At that, he lunged over and started trying to pin me. I gave a half-hearted attempt to push him back and we both dissolved into laughter, and a shared kiss.
Reflective silence. “Can you stay?” he finally asked, hopefully.
“Shit, I wish. I’ve got a full day ahead, and need to move. You have a towel or something?” Nate chuckled, and nodded in disappointed understanding. He stood up, and grabbed his discarded T-shirt to wipe the dripping cum stains off the kitchen cabinet. He then padded off to find something appropriate for me from the linen closet. While he was gone, I surveyed the mess we had made of his kitchen. His underwear was right there next to me, exactly where he had kicked them. I gathered them up, and brought the light cotton fabric to my face. I breathed in deeply.
Fuck. 100% Nate. In all his masculine glory. A scent seared forever into my memory.
Nate came back a minute or so later with a warm, wet washcloth and a towel to clean myself off with.
I breathed his underwear in one more time and gave him a sinner’s smile.
“I’m keeping these.