Philip and I

A gay story: Philip and I Revised version copyright 2007 by the author.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: An earlier version of this story made it into print, in a publication that shall remain nameless. However, it had a different title, and for reasons of length the original ending was cut. Since it’s been years and the magazine has long since ceased publication, I feel I can offer a revised version closer to my original concept with a clear conscience. Best, KN

*

It’s been maybe three years since it all happened. Until then Philip Ramsey was just a colleague, and my best straight friend. St. Jude Preparatory Academy, where we both taught, was a small, exclusive private high school. It guaranteed parents a good education for their children and almost certain admission into a top college, if they could afford the exorbitant tuition.

I had arrived there eager and nervous, knowing I was lucky to get the job. At places like St. Jude the social order’s based on seniority. I got used to being ignored by some of the old-timers. They were waiting to see whether I made it past my probationary period before they bothered to learn my name.

From the beginning Philip was different. Early that fall he extended his hand in the faculty mailroom and said, “You’re Ray Kincaid, the new English instructor, aren’t you? I’m Philip Ramsey, Art Department. Welcome to St. Jude. Let me know if I can be of any help.”

“Thanks, Philip. I’m glad to meet you,” I replied, charmed. He was probably still on this side of forty, maybe six or seven years my senior, tall and solidly built. His dark hair accentuated a pair of intense blue eyes. His strong features were transformed when he smiled, which was often. Female students giggled when he walked by in the hallway.

As a studio art instructor Philip handled messy and even hazardous materials. His attire on campus was a work shirt, jeans and heavy hiking shoes or boots. In short, he was a gay man’s fantasy come to life. I was well into a full-blown crush before I learned he had been married for fifteen years and had two children.

I nursed my broken heart in private. In public Philip and I became the best of friends. We spent countless hours over lunch or coffee in the cafeteria, talking, arguing and commiserating. Philip had been at St. Jude long enough to have been burned by school politics. He had been a finalist for a school teaching award two years earlier, but it had gone to an instructor in a subject regarded as more “serious” by the administration.

“I’ll tell you, Ray, I almost quit,” he said one day. “Sent out half a dozen resumes. Got an offer from a community college. But it would have been in a big city, not a good place to raise kids. Carol was pretty upset about the idea of leaving. She had a point. John’s getting free tuition to go here.”

As always, I willed myself not to stare at his strapping good looks. My unrealistic hopes had been crushed, but not my feelings. “How is Carol?” I asked. I had met Philip’s wife only once or twice.

“Fine.” His smile faded. “Ray, are you going to that teaching conference at Holyoke next month?”

“Maybe,” I replied. “I’d like to, but so far I can’t find anyone to share a room. A single’s really going to add up over three days.”

“I could room with you,” Philip said. This was a surprise. I had known he was going, but assumed that Carol was accompanying him. I said as much.

“No, Carol’s not going,” my friend answered. “Actually, Ray, if you’ll keep this between us-things are not so great at home right now. We could use the time apart.” He drained his coffee cup. “I’ve got to get to class. We can work out the details later, okay?”

Philip got up from the table. He paused by my side, and laid a hand on my shoulder. I looked up into eyes that seemed even more blue than usual. “Later,” he said, and left.

I sat with my coffee cup and empty plate. I should have been overjoyed at the prospect of sharing a hotel room with Philip, but instead I was nervous. At such close quarters I didn’t know if I could keep my feelings concealed. How would he react if he discovered the truth?

I didn’t have time to dwell on the problem during the next busy weeks. Finally, the departure day came. Despite everything my spirits were high. It felt good to get away from the routine.

After an uneventful, if long, drive we arrived at the hotel. We settled in, and Philip suggested dinner. We found a place nearby and sat down to a leisurely meal and a bottle of wine. My friend seemed happy and relaxed, and I realized how tired he had looked at school lately. I couldn’t resist saying to him, “Phil, you look great. Traveling agrees with you.”

Philip smiled. “Thanks, Ray.” A pause, then he said, “I’m glad we’re here together. Your friendship means a lot to me.”

His affectionate words combined with fatigue and the wine made me dizzy. “I don’t know what to say.”

He leaned forward across the table, his eyes piercing me.

“Sometimes it’s better not to talk or think too much. Sometimes it’s better just to go with the flow, don’t you think?”

I shrugged, not really comprehending. “I guess.”

“Let’s go.” He motioned to the waiter and paid the check, waving away my protest.

We didn’t talk much as we walked back to the hotel. When we got to our room, Philip unlocked the door and I followed him in. He kicked off his shoes and stretched out on his bed. Not knowing what else to do, I sat in the one armchair in the room.

Just as the silence grew heavy, Philip said, “Just so you’ll hear it from me. Carol and I are getting a divorce.”

I hadn’t expected this. “Phil, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

“Hold on,” Philip said, with an ironic grin. “I haven’t told you why.” He sighed. “It’s tearing me apart. I love her. She’s been a great wife and mother. I’m the one who’s fucked up,” he said with abrupt bitterness.

All of a sudden I knew where this was headed.

“How long have you known?”

“That I was gay?” Philip shrugged. “There, I said it. The world didn’t come to an end.”

I forced myself to keep a calm, sympathetic manner, despite my pounding heart. “It doesn’t. You pick yourself up and go on. Maybe even become a better person. It happens.”

A hint of a smile appeared on his face. “Like you. You’ve inspired me, Ray. Kept me going these past months. You’re a true friend. Thanks.”

I was speechless. Philip’s revelation had made no difference. He was still clueless about what I was feeling.

“I’ve known for a long time that I had these feelings.” Philip said, more to himself than to me. “But I didn’t want to have them. I couldn’t face being different-being an outcast. Does that make any sense?”

I realized I was trembling. Emotion was rising in me like a tidal wave.

“Say something, Ray.”

I looked up. My expression must have given me away because Philip blinked, startled. Words began to spill from me.

“What am I supposed to say? Congratulations on your emergence from the closet. Great job deceiving that nice woman and your kids.”

Philip’s eyes narrowed. “I expected more from you. Some support, some understanding.”

“Why? You’ve lied to me too. Letting me think there was no chance you could ever be interested. Throwing little crumbs of friendship. Did it make you feel good, knowing I was panting after you?”

“What? What are you saying?” He looked stunned.

By now I was shouting, giving vent to months of frustration. “Do I have to spell it out? I want you. God knows why, but I do.”

Total silence. I held my breath.

Philip rose and came toward the chair in which I was sitting. He knelt and placed one big hand on the armrest, near mine.

“Ray, you’ve got to believe me,” he said. “I never dreamed you felt this way.” He shook his head, disgusted with himself. “I’ve screwed up bad, haven’t I?”

I found my voice. “Big time.”

“What can I do to make things right?” I put my hand over his and looked into his wide eyes. Philip’s mouth opened but no sound emerged. He didn’t pull away.

“Well, for starters, you could kiss me.”

I leaned forward and put my lips to his, and gently pushed my tongue into his open mouth. The next moment we were on the floor, tongues tangling, teeth clashing in a frantic, passionate kiss. We broke apart and looked into each other’s wild eyes.

“Jesus,” Philip said.

His hands cupped my face and he kissed me again. We squeezed the breath out of each other, as if we were trying to merge and become one. I pulled free and began to unbutton his shirt. Phil’s pectoral slabs were broad and lightly covered with hair, dark and prominent nipples on each one. His stomach wasn’t ripped, but it was flat.

He shook his head. “I’m not exactly a model.”

I smiled into his eyes. “Your body is exactly what a man’s body ought to be.” I unbuckled his belt and drew down his zipper, running my hand over the hard bulge in the white cotton underneath. I hooked my fingers under the waistband of his briefs and pushed them down. The head of his cock emerged, leaking clear fluid, crowning the long, straight, veined shaft.

I got him naked from the waist down before I looked at him again. He looked back, his eyes lustful but a bit anxious. I smiled again and said, “Nice,” before bending and taking him in my mouth.

Philip gasped. His hand clutched my head as I slid up and down on his rod with long, ardent strokes. Sucking him was everything I imagined it would be, hot and salty and delicious.

“Ray, ease up a minute, will you?”

“Am I hurting you?” I asked, letting him go.

Philip smiled. “Hell no. I was just about to blow. I want this to last. Why don’t we get a little more comfortable?”

Freed of our remaining clothes, we embraced again on the bed.

“You’re a great-looking man,” Philip said. He caressed each of my nipples with his tongue until I was writhing with pleasure. He moved down and took my cock in his mouth. He wasn’t very good at it, but it didn’t matter. I was ready to blast my load, but I wanted more, too. I gently pushed my way out from underneath him.

“What is it, Ray?”

“I need to get some stuff from my bag.”

“We can use mine.” He laughed at what must have been a very surprised expression on my face. “Great minds think alike.”

He got up and rummaged in the small nylon bag he had placed on a nearby table. My cock gave another leap at the sight of his muscled back and firm butt. I had assumed he would fuck me, but now I began to wonder if he could be persuaded to switch off. I shook my head. Maybe next time.

Phil turned holding a foil package in one hand and a small plastic bottle in the other. His erect cock swung heavily in front of him as he climbed onto the bed, throwing the condom onto the spread, and hitched himself toward me on his knees. I took the bottle from him and squeezed the cold gel into my palm, warming it before I applied it to his dick. Philip’s eyes grew dreamy with pleasure.

“Like that?”

I opened the condom wrapper and positioned the circle of latex over the head of his organ. He frowned.

“What is it?”

Philip hesitated. “It’s just that-I thought you were going to fuck me.”

I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “What’s so funny?” he demanded.

I explained what I had been thinking a few moments earlier. Philip’s smile was wistful. “If you only knew how long I’ve dreamed of taking another man’s cock. That’s something I’ve never done. I want you to be the first.”

I put my arm around his neck and kissed him. “Hell, who says we can’t take turns? We’ve got two rubbers.” I gave his cock a twisting stroke before unrolling the rubber over it. Philip drew in his breath.

“It’s all yours, baby.” I got on my hands and knees, my back to him. “First lube me up.”

I felt Philip’s hand begin to apply the gel to the crack of my ass. His fingers touched the soft flesh of my asshole and I shivered with pleasure.

“Push your finger in.”

He obeyed. “So soft in there.”

After a moment he withdrew, pushed my legs apart and got behind me. I felt the blunt head of his cock between my cheeks, trying to find the entrance. I reached behind, grasped the condom-covered shaft, and guided it against my hole. “Push.”

I let out a yelp as the head of Philip’s cock broke through the ring of muscle at the entrance.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine, Phil,” I managed. “Just give me a moment.”

Sure enough, the pain receded and warm fullness took its place. “Okay, keep going.”

All my concentration was focused on Philip’s cock, slowly making its way into my insides. I moaned as it slid past my prostate. Soon I could feel his body pressing up against my butt and I knew I taken all of him. “How’s it feel?” I asked.

He bent until I could feel his rapid warm breath on my neck. “Ray,” he said, his voice full of emotion, “You can’t imagine. This is a dream come true. Thanks.”

“The pleasure’s all mine. Now fuck me.”

He moved his hips. “Like this?”

“Un huh. Just like that. Pound me with that straight man dick. C’mon.”

Philip laughed with delight. “Like this?”

“Uh huh,” I repeated. After a bit I said, “You want to see something hot?”

“Hotter than this?” Phil asked, still thrusting, his arms wrapped around my chest.

“Yep. Straighten up, then look down. You’ll see what I mean.”

Philip obeyed. I heard him let out a soft whistle. “Whew, nice.”

“Tell me what you see.”

“My cock sliding in and out of your butt. Very hot.”

“One of the most erotic sights known to man,” I said, grunting as he drove his cock home.

“I had no idea. Damn, this is incredible.”

I was enjoying myself too. Philip’s joy at each new discovery was making me hotter than I’d been in a long time. I stroked my hard, dripping cock.

He reached underneath and grasped my arm. “Not yet, buddy. Remember, you promised.”

“Still want to?”

“God, yes, more than ever, now that I see how much you like it.” He pulled out of me. I clenched my hole, feeling the emptiness he had left behind. “Now it’s my turn.”

I got up and fished the condom I had from my bag, tore it open and turned, holding it in my hand. I blinked, then chuckled. Philip had already assumed the position, his rubber discarded on the floor.

As much as I enjoyed the sight of his hairy butt, I had other ideas.

“Flip over on your back, guy.”

I clambered onto the bed.

“Will it hurt, Ray?”

“Maybe just a little. I’ll take it real slow. Trust me and try to relax, okay?”

Philip smiled. “Okay, teacher.”

He was going to get the full treatment. I bent forward, lifting his legs in the air. I sucked on his cock again for a few moments, took a moment to wash his balls, then moved down toward my real target. He stiffened.

“Ray, are you sure? You don’t have to do that.”

“Believe me, I want to.” I reached the crevice between his buttocks, where the taut skin between his legs gave way to the velvety, musky smoothness of his asshole. I flicked my tongue over it and was rewarded with a groan. Encouraged, I thrust my tongue hard into his hole, moving it around as much as I could. Philip cried out.

“Like it?” I asked.

“Oh God! I’ve never felt anything this good in my life.”

“Just wait.” I redoubled my efforts. Philip whimpered and thrashed above me. I didn’t stop rimming him until I knew he was completely helpless. I could have finished him off by taking him again in my mouth, but I was determined to give him what he had asked for. I reached again for the lube and applied the gel, pushing first one finger, then two into his hole. “Doing okay?” I asked.

“Wonderful.”

I took the new condom, put it on my cock and lubed the outside. At last I was ready. Grasping his calves, I put his legs on my shoulders. I took my cock and placed it between his cheeks, probing until I located his greased hole. When it was in the right place I slowly began to push forward.

Philip’s breathing deepened as I felt his sphincter begin to give. All of a sudden I broke through the barrier and slid inside. His face tightened in pain.

“Shit,” he said.

I nodded. “It’s going to hurt a little the first time. I won’t go any further until you can take it. Take some deep breaths. Try pushing out.”

Philip’s chest rose and fell with his efforts. “Better,” he said.

“Good.” I pushed again. A long sigh welled up from him. “Doing okay?”

He nodded, eyes closed. “I’ve never felt like this before.” I could tell he was trying to focus on every sensation in his body. His cock was still stiff, leaking clear fluid onto his belly. I figured that was a good sign.

I hit bottom, my cock completely inside, my pubes pressed against his butt. I pulled back and saw my shaft emerge, bringing some the soft flesh of his asshole with it. Damn, that was a hot sight. I pushed in, withdrew again, and plunged in harder. To my surprise, I felt Phil’s ass muscles tighten, grabbing my cock.

“You doing that on purpose?”

“You like it?”

“It’s great.”

“Guess I’m learning.” Phil put a hand on the back of my neck and drew my face down to his. We kissed as I began to drive into him with a steady, relentless rhythm.

“Fuck me.” His eyes were dark, his pupils dilated with desire. “Oh God, fuck me, Ray.”

“You got it.” Seeing the man of my dreams bent double beneath me in this glorious, obscene position was making me lose what little control I had left. I stepped up the pace of my fucking another notch, taking his cock in my hand. After a while Philip replaced it with his own.

We kept looking in each other’s eyes, not wanting to miss a single one of the emotions playing across our faces.

“I’m getting close,” Philip said.

“Go for it, guy. I’m with you. I want us to cum together.”

“Yes,” he whispered through gritted teeth, then fell silent as his hand stroked his cock faster and faster. His breathing thickened into harsh gasps, then hoarse grunts. “I’m cumming!”

He threw his head back, his face contorted. A second later the first jet of white fluid shot from the head of his dick. Cum fell in long ropes across his chest and stomach. With one last thrust I sent myself over the edge in turn, squeezing my eyes shut and crying out as I felt my load burst up from my balls and out the end of my own cock. I emptied myself into him in long, ecstatic gushes. Fleetingly I wished my sperm was really filling his gut rather than going into a rubber.

Long moments passed as both of us reeled with the force of our double climax. At last I started to come down. I opened my eyes. Philip was looking at me, his unguarded expression serious, regretful. Then he smiled and the moment passed.

“Christ,” was all he said. I couldn’t say a word, but collapsed onto his chest.

After a while I raised my body and began to pull out. Phil’s ass muscles tightened as I withdrew, as if his body didn’t want to let me go. He grunted as the head of my spent cock finally popped out of him. “I think I’m going to feel this tomorrow,” he said, lowering his legs and stretching his lanky body out on the bed.

“You might,” I agreed. “I know I will.” I went into the bathroom, took off my condom, grabbed a towel and went back to clean us up. After I was done we lay in each other’s arms in silence.

Out of my drained contentment a thought stirred. “Phil? What were you thinking about after?”

“What do you mean?”

I struggled to find the words. “Just after I came. You had such a funny look on your face.”

Phil shook his head. “Can’t get anything past you and your steel trap mind.” He turned away and sighed. “I was thinking about my family.”

“Really?” I was surprised.

“Yeah, Carol and the kids. I had a tiny little hope that if went all the way with another guy for real I’d hate it. Then I could stay the way I was.”

He smiled and shook his head. “Stupid, huh? This was fantastic. One of the highlights of my life. So now I know I can never go back.”

I nodded, trying to imagine how it would be to discard an entire life. I couldn’t.

“But I don’t give a shit,” Philip said, pulling me against his broad chest. “About my marriage, about the school, even about this damn conference we’re supposedly here for. All I care about is you, and your cock.”

I laughed. “Who’d have though you’d be such a slut?”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” Philip winked and took hold of the object of his lust, which stirred in response. We could have gone with the flow again, but there was something I wanted to say.

“Phil, it was great for me too. But I know you married guys,” I said, only half joking. “If we get back home and you decide you want to back off, do some thinking, cool it a bit, I’ll understand.”

“That’s not going to happen.”

“All I’m saying is that you’ll always be my friend, no matter what.”

“Do you mean that, Ray?”

I looked at Philip, lying there on his side, his head propped up on one elbow, the thick rope of his cock still swollen, his balls hanging downward.

“Sure,” I said. “All my best friends are people I’ve slept with.”

He laughed. “So this was a test of friendship?”

“Exactly. You know, I’m not sure you passed. Could we try it again?”

“Good idea.” He reached for my face.

The rest of the weekend was a happy blur. I don’t remember much about it except Philip and me jumping in bed together every chance we got. The highlight of his life, he said. Well, my friend, it was one of the highlights of mine too.

As I said, that all happened three years ago.

It’s Commencement today at St. Jude, and the faculty and administration are getting robed and ready for the procession. The robing room in the chapel, where we’re gathering before marching out to the main square of the campus, is crowded and noisy.

I see Philip across the corner of the room. It’s a special day for him–his younger son John is graduating from St. Jude today. He waves at me but he’s too far away to talk. We’re not going to be anywhere near each other in the procession, since we line up by seniority. I’ve attained the rank of senior master now myself. As we march out to the strains of “Pomp and Circumstance” past the rows of admiring parents, relatives and friends, I can see Philip ahead of me, exchanging a word or two with the master next to him. He’s tall and handsome in his academic robes. I still lust after him like a schoolboy.

In the festive crush of people on the square immediately afterward I spot John Ramsey, Phil’s son, first, and congratulate him. He is friendly, but his mother Carol, who’s with him, is not. She still blames me for the upheaval in her life. I could tell her that Philip would have come out sooner or later whether he’d met me or not, but it wouldn’t do any good.

Finally I spy Philip off to one side, surrounded as usual by admiring students. He sees me too. Extricating himself, he comes toward me, smiling and waving. The sight of him still makes my heart beat faster. We can’t do more than shake hands out here, of course, but his blue eyes meet mine meaningfully and his touch lingers just a bit.

“Congratulations, Phil,” I say. “You must be very proud.”

He’s grinning from ear to ear. “Ray, you have no idea. I’m about to bust. Didn’t John look great up there? Have you seen him?”

“He’s somewhere over there, with his mother.”

Philip’s grin turns wry. “Oh yes, his mother. We’ve all agreed to be civil for John’s sake. I hope we can pull it off.”

I nod in sympathy. “Joe’s here too, I suppose.”

“Oh yeah, his son graduated today too.” Phil rolls his eyes. “We’re going to go out to dinner tonight–me, Carol, Joe, John and Roland, Joe’s boy. Could get very interesting. Hey, Ray, are you doing anything tonight? Want to come along and join the fun?”

I can’t help laughing. “Thanks, Phil, but I’ll pass. Think about it. Your ex-wife, ex-partner, and current partner all at one table? Two out of three’s bad enough.”

Philip grins. “I see your point. Well, got to go gather up the troops.” He steps forward then and hugs me. “You’re great, Ray.” I hug him back, surprised and grateful. “Catch you later.”

“Bye.” I watch him go, filled with mixed emotions.

The way things turned out shouldn’t have been a shock. The guy who brings you out is never going to be the one you settle down with. I’d hoped Philip would be an exception to the rule, of course, but it was not to be. Because he’s the kind of man he is, and because I was determined to keep my promise, Philip and I are still friends. And Joe is a nice guy–even if he is another married man who figured it out a little late in the day.

I walk back toward my office through the gradually thinning crowd. The classroom buildings are deserted today, of course, and the empty hallways reflect my mood. I decide to stop by the mailroom, not because I think there’s anything there, but just for something to do.

As I approach the open doorway, I ‘m surprised to see someone else in there. His back is to me, and I can’t help noticing that whoever it is has a slim waist, broad shoulders, and a butt that fills out his gray wool dress slacks very nicely.

The stranger turns as I enter and nods diffidently. It’s one of the new masters, whose name I haven’t yet learned, young and blond.

I remember how Philip and I first met in here, and how grateful I was for his friendly handshake. I reach out my own hand, and say, “Hello. I’m Ray Kincaid in the English Department. I don’t believe we’ve met.”

His face lights up as he shakes my hand. “Bill Lewis. I’ve just finished my first year in History.”

There’s a pause, then Bill says, “I was just at Commencement. It’s my first here. I was a bit overwhelmed.”

I make the dismissive gesture of an old-timer. “Believe me, you’ll get used to it very quickly.” Then I go out on another limb, and say, “There’s a reception in the Commons now. Want to go get some coffee?”

Bill beams. “That would be great.”

I’m still wearing my academic robe. “Just let me stop by my office and strip down–not all the way, of course,” I say, deadpan. He laughs, a bit too loudly. His gaze holds mine for a split second.

We leave the mailroom together and walk down the hallway chatting like old friends. I’m thinking this could be a fun summer.

END