Quetzalcoatl Pt. 02

A gay story: Quetzalcoatl Pt. 02 *****

Part 2 of 2

****

When I wake up my first instinct is to try and remember my past life. Part of me hopes it all meant nothing and I just forgot my past because I was dreaming.

Sadly, I still can’t remember anything. In my mind, I am only Eros, a citizen of Quetzalcoatl. There was nothing before that.

Foxie makes a small noise in his sleep and moves in my arms.

I wonder…is it the same for him? Have all our memories been wiped? Nobody ever talks about their lives before Quetzalcoatl and I’ve never felt the need to press them on the matter. With the benefit of hindsight it seems like such a big, obvious missing piece.

At breakfast I feel compelled to ask my partner about it.

“What was your life like before Quetzalcoatl?”

He raises his eyebrows.

“What brought this on?”

“I don’t know, it’s just something I’m curious about.”

“I haven’t talked about my old life in years. I was a boy named Payton living in Montana. I was about to go to culinary school when I was tracked down and invited here on my 18th birthday. I don’t think about that time much anymore. Why would I?”

“Yeah, I guess there isn’t much reason to.”

“Is something wrong, Daddy?”

“I can’t say everything’s fine, but this is something I have to deal with alone. It’s nothing you should worry about.”

“How could I not worry about my Daddy?”

I look at this sweet, kind young man who has been nothing but a blessing to me.

“The best thing you can do is just keep being Foxie. You’re enough. You’ll always be enough.”

I see his eyes get misty.

“I love you so much, Daddy.”

“I love you, too.” I hold out my arms and he gets in my lap to hug me with his arms and legs. He sniffles into the crook of my neck.

“I just want you to be happy.”

“I know.”

Things are quiet as I get ready for work. I make sure to give Foxie a tender, affectionate kiss before I leave, a lot on my mind. My memories from yesterday lead me to keeping the morph suit without a hologram. The shiny latex appearance is like a callback to the days before everything got so complicated.

While walking through town on the way to work I see one of our musicians, a young woman named Siren, playing a bass guitar and singing. Many of our artists like performing out in public, giving back in a small way.

If anyone deserves to be named after the creatures with voices so beautiful men would sail to their deaths just to hear more, it’s her. Siren’s voice is a clear, strong mezzo-soprano, contrasting well with the warm, deep bass. I’ve spent hours in the past listening to her sing, lost in this world she creates.

Once she finishes her song I clap. She chuckles.

“Hey, Eros. How’s it going?”

“This past week has been…eventful. I have a lot on my plate right now.”

“Well, I wish you luck. Do you have to go to work soon?”

I look at a nearby clock. I’m late, but only slightly.

“I have enough time for one more song.”

Siren complies and sings some more. It’s so relaxing. I’m calm and tranquil, which makes what happens next all the more startling.

I literally blink, close my eyes for a fraction of a second, and within that instant, the Darkness is standing right behind Siren, its head looking over her shoulder.

I scream and stumble back, falling to the ground. Siren of course is just as shocked by my reaction and sort of yelps. She must have noticed I was surprised by something behind her because she whips around and faces the creature. I can tell she can’t see it, though. She looks right through it.

The Darkness laughs, a harsh evil cackle, before it starts running towards me. All I can do is scramble to my feet and run away as fast as I can.

The cold seems to soak into my bones. I feel like I’m sprinting through a blizzard. I see so many confused, concerned faces pass by, wondering what I’m doing, but all I care about is that demon’s grinning face, always close behind when I look over my shoulder.

The amount of power the Darkness has over my emotions is horrifying. I can’t think about anything else, the only thing that matters is getting as far away as possible. I push myself further, running at what feels like well beyond my top speed to escape. We’re out of the main town area, back in a park. There’s a moment when I’m looking behind me that I trip over something and fall down spectacularly, rolling several times and skidding to a stop.

At that moment I know it’s over. It’s going to catch me.

I wait for the end, tears in my eyes.

And wait.

And wait.

After a solid minute I start to wonder what’s happening. Where did it go? It’s difficult to believe it lost sight of me.

More time passes and nothing happens. I don’t dare to move or make a sound. I try to stifle my breathing and let my tears fall silently.

The next few minutes feel like they take days. My fear is overpowering and I’m petrified. It takes a long time for me to be in any state where I can think clearly. I don’t even know how long it is before I gather enough courage to get to my feet.

I look around and the coast is clear. I don’t have any injuries. I might have a couple bruises, but the morph suit did a lot to protect me.

At this point I just want to go home and hide, but I remember where I was supposed to be going originally. I can’t ignore my duties.

I walk to the building I work at, taking a different path so I don’t pass where Siren was. I don’t want her to see me. I don’t want anyone to see me.

Finally I get to the door and have to mentally prepare myself for what’s coming. I’ve never been this late before.

I walk inside and hear Sapphro’s voice immediately.

“There you are! What the hell is the matter with you?!”

I hang my head in shame.

“I’m so sorry.”

She approaches and I hear her anger turn into concern.

“Eros, are you okay? What happened?”

What can I possibly tell her?

“I…I can’t answer that.” I feel myself start crying again.

I fall to my knees, sobbing. After a minute I feel her hand on my head. In a way she’s trying to comfort me.

“Eros, I’ve never seen you like this before. I don’t know what to do.”

It’s like a cruel joke. I’m surrounded by amazing people who want to help me, but they can’t do anything. I feel so alone.

It only wants to hurt you. That’s all it has ever been after.

I can’t let it affect me so deeply. That’s what it wants.

I wipe my tears away and shakily get to my feet. I force a smile.

“I need to get work started.”

Sapphro gets that annoyed look she had when I first walked in the room.

“No, you need to calm the fuck down. You’re freaking out.”

“I’ll be fine. I’ll feel better when I start working.”

“Shut your mouth. Get on the couch in the green room right now.” There’s a surprising amount of force in her voice.

I timidly walk to the room clients wait in before appointments and sit on the couch. I’m looking down at the floor when I hear her voice.

“Just stay there until you can look at me without making me worried sick.”

“I…yes.”

“Do you want me to stay here or do you want me to leave?”

I raise my head to look at her.

“Um…I think I’d rather be alone right now, if it’s all the same to you,” I say meekly

“That’s fine.”

She walks away and I collapse, rolling up into a fetal position.

Am I really this weak? Can I be shattered so easily? I shouldn’t let it affect me so much. The more I fear the Darkness the more power it has over me. This can’t go on.

It takes about an hour for me to calm down, though it’s more accurate to say I simply run out of the energy required to stay so stressed. There’s no sense or relief when it’s over, I just feel numb.

I walk back to Sapphro.

“I’m done freaking out. I’m sorry I made you worry.”

She sighs.

“I know you’re sorry, Eros.”

I don’t want things to stay like this. I want things to go back to the way they were yesterday.

“Did I miss any sessions?”

“Luckily no, this morning you were just scheduled for filming, but now things are going to be delayed.”

She takes out her tablet and fiddles with something on it.

“I think we can catch up if you stay late today or come in early tomorrow.”

“I’ll come in as early as you need me tomorrow. I’ve wasted enough of your time today already.”

“Fine.”

I can tell it isn’t fine.

“What can I do to make this up to you?”

“I don’t really feel comfortable asking you for favors after watching you have a meltdown.”

“No, it’s okay, really. Let me show you how sorry I am. I don’t ever want this to happen again. Please?”

“Well…if you insist, I’ll have to think about it. Maybe I’ll come up with something by the end of the day.”

“That’s more than fine. Who’s first on the schedule? I want to do some loving.”

She taps her tablet a few more times.

“You have a threesome in five minutes. Emily and Victor.”

Two of our authors. They got married a month ago.

“Yes ma’am.”

*****

Though this morning’s events still weigh heavy on my mind, I do my best to put it aside for the time being and put my all into work. Sapphro was right to stop me from working while still in active panic, but I’m glad I didn’t just go home. Making love really helps me to stop feeling so sad and alone, at least for the moment.

At the end of my shift I return to Sapphro. I finally see a hint of that little smirk I hadn’t seen from her all day.

“Have you thought of a favor?”

“Well, it would be more accurate to call it a punishment. I understand you’re sorry, but you still got me really worried and created some extra work for both of us. I have an idea, though.”

She grabs the morph suit and tosses it to me.

“Put this on and set it to outfit 37. I looked up the options for this model and if that outfit is like the pictures it will be perfect for what I have in mind.”

While I get dressed I try to remember what outfit 37 was. I definitely have my favorites, but I like having a variety and wear most of the options at least occasionally. 37 must be something I don’t pick very often.

Slightly nervous, I look in a nearby mirror and say “Morph suit, outfit 37.”

It shimmers and I know immediately why I wouldn’t use this one much.

Outfit 37 is this strange sort of one piece, cut and shaped very provocatively. My arms are covered, but my shoulders are exposed, it barely goes down past my butt, and there’s a diamond-shaped hole in the back that almost goes down to my ass crack. If that wasn’t enough the whole thing is tiger print. It looks like kinky lingerie, tight and revealing, paired with what can barely be defined as shoes. Black silk covers the bottoms of my feet and my toes and nothing else.

I’m sure this would be quite sexy on someone else, but it’s clearly designed to enhance a much more feminine body shape than mine. I can only assume I saw this once when looking at the whole roster way back in the beginning and never touched it again.

Sapphro is laughing her head off, snorting and grabbing her stomach. I feel my cheeks turn red.

“Fuck, it’s perfect!” She has to compose herself and wipe away a few tears before she can speak again.

“For your punishment you have to wear that for three days. And take a long walk around town each evening. Strut your stuff.”

“Really? I feel…silly.”

“I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but you did offer me a favor. Should I think of something else?”

I remember how concerned she was this morning. If this will make things up to her, I shouldn’t complain.

“No, I’ll do it.”

“Okay then. Shit, I thought that gladiator costume was too much. This is hilarious.”

I bend over and try to arch my back like how Foxie does.

“Am I sexy?”

“Oh, big time. You look like the baddest bitch on the block!”

Both of us are laughing now.

“Um, Sapphro, is it okay if I skip the walk today? I promise I’ll do it tomorrow and the day after.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s fine. You posing and modeling like this is more than enough for today. Shit, it’s been a while since I laughed so hard.”

“Glad to be of assistance.”

Before I leave I make sure to thank Sapphro for her help this morning.

“I know you don’t think you did much, but I needed some tough love. I’m lucky to have you as a friend.”

“Well…thanks.”

I give her a quick little kiss.

“I love you, Sapphro.”

She laughs some more.

“Wow, so touchy already. A striped leotard changes a man.”

“Yeah, and I have you to thank. I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow morning, in uniform.”

“I’m looking forward to it.”

I give her one more smile before I make my leave.

*****

To my slight embarrassment Foxie is not alone at our house when I get back, Andersen is with him. The two boys are naked on the couch playing video games, but my outfit grabs their attention immediately. They both giggle.

“Wow, Daddy,” Foxie says. “You look adorable!”

I blush again and try to laugh it off.

“Thanks, I guess that means a lot coming from you. If anyone in Quetzalcoatl knows what’s cute, it’s my Foxie.”

He comes over and gives me a hug and kiss, Andersen right behind him to do the same. I cup our guest’s face in my hands.

“It’s nice to see you again. I didn’t know we would have company today.”

“He just got finished with a big project and I invited him over so we could celebrate,” Foxie explains.

“Sounds like fun.”

“And it will be, but as nice as the tiger suit is, I think you’re a little overdressed.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

I strip nude, which ironically makes me feel more comfortable and less exposed. I sit down between the two cute young men on the couch and put my arms around them, ruffling their hair with my hands.

“Foxie, got dinner planned?”

“Yes, Daddy. I want to try making Chicago-style deep dish pizza.”

“I’m sure it’ll be great. But I see two tasty little morsels right here, and I’m getting hungry.”

The boys look at each other and giggle like before.

“Let’s get started then,” Andersen says.

*****

It’s the next evening and I’m at Agape’s house. I want to talk to her about something, but she’s in a meeting. After a few minutes Kierkegaard approaches and asks if he can help me instead.

I’m not sure what Kierkegaard’s job title is, everyone just sort of sees him as Agape’s right-hand man. He’s good at it, too. He has a similar calming energy to Agape, but his demeanor is a lot more reserved than his wife’s.

“I was wondering if the information about our citizens’ lives before moving to Quetzalcoatl are archived anywhere.” I casually (I hope) asked Sapphro about her days before moving here while we were working in the wee hours of the morning. Like Foxie, she remembers her past life just fine, she just doesn’t think about it often. I may be the only one in Quetzalcoatl with amnesia.

He cocks an eyebrow.

“Yes, but it’s hardly your place to be doing that kind of research, Eros. It’s a breach of privacy.” Kierkegaard must have thought I was looking up information on other people.

“No, I’m just looking for my own files.”

He makes a confused look that reminds me of the one Agape gave me the other day.

“I suppose It’s well within your rights to ask for your own information, but why? You know who you are.”

“Well, I forgot something and just wanted to double-check.” That’s as close to the truth as I want to admit. I hate lying, but this is something I need to do.

He goes to a computer and pulls up some records. Kierkegaard types in my name and the search comes up empty. No matches.

“Hm?”

He looks through the Es manually and the list doesn’t include my name right where it would be in the alphabetical order.

“Odd.” If Kierkegaard is just acting confused he’s doing a great job.

“I don’t know what the problem is here. Let me try something else.”

He pulls up the list of arrivals in chronological order and my name is indeed at the bottom of the list, with only Wallace’s name after. He clicks on my name and I can see all my current data: height, age, home location, occupation. Kierkegaard clicks on “past information” and is met with a page that says “Record not found.”

He sighs in frustration.

“I don’t understand. I’ve lived here for so many years and not one time has this archive system failed me.”

Kierkegaard turns to face me again.

“I wish I had a better answer for you, but it appears your file must have been deleted at some point. It had to have been an accident, I know all the people who have access and none of them would ever pull something like this.”

I believe him. He’s a kind, honest man we all depend on. But I am more worried than I was a few minutes ago.

“It’s okay. I’m not mad at you, Kierkegaard.”

It seems I’m between a rock and a hard place. I want to know about my past life, but I can’t ask about things like who retrieves recruits or how new citizens are selected without making it clear I had forgotten much more than I’m letting on.

“Was there anything else you wanted to know?”

“No, that was it. Have a good night.”

“I apologize again, Eros.”

I give the man a hug.

“I appreciate that.”

Once I leave I begin my walk home, taking a much more roundabout route than I normally would in order to fulfill my promise to Sapphro. By now I can forget I’m wearing outfit 37. It’s still not something I would gravitate towards, but I’ve gotten used to it. It is sexy, just not in the way most of my favorites are.

“Good evening.”

I look over and see Wallace.

“Hello.”

“I must admit, I wasn’t expecting to see a jungle cat today,” he teases.

“That’s your own fault for not being prepared. Now you’ve run into me while I’m out on the prowl.” I bend my knees like I’m ready to pounce.

“Truly fearsome.”

We both laugh.

“What are you up to, Eros?”

“Just taking a walk. Want to join me?”

“Of course.”

While walking I look at his body. His semi formal attire is resting on his form in a way slightly different than I remember it doing before. He also seems to have a little more confidence in the way he carries himself.

“Your supplements kicked in?”

Wallace chuckles.

“It’s remarkable how you can tell just from sight. Yes, they have. It’s miraculous.”

“I’m going to have to conduct a thorough inspection soon. Make sure everything is up to snuff.”

“Are you propositioning me?”

“I’ll beg if you’d prefer.”

“My, the tiger is relentless in pursuit of his prey. Don’t I need to schedule something with you in advance?”

“Yeah, I suppose you wouldn’t know the process. You’re still new here.”

Then a light bulb goes off in my head. With him being new, I could have an excuse to talk to him about recruitment if I play my cards right. I’m pretty confident I can trust him, but my pride is resistant to even telling Foxie or Sapphro about my amnesia.

“You know what? There’s a lot to learn about our customs. I just had to figure it out as I went along, but it would have been so much quicker if someone told it all to me at the beginning. Let me be your guide.”

Wallace gives me a skeptical look.

“I think you have something else in mind.”

My blood turns to ice. I feel like I just got grabbed by the Darkness.

His eyes widen.

“Whoa, calm down. I’m not being hostile. It’s not really my business, I would just prefer some transparency.”

Fuck. Maybe the Darkness is on to something. I feel like a scumbag.

“There are some things I want to ask about and I thought you would help me. I’m sorry for lying.”

He puts his hands on my shoulders.

“Remember what I said about instincts? My intuition tells me that being your friend is an endeavor worth pursuing. A nice long chat with you would be lovely. When are you free?”

“Um…tomorrow night?”

“It’s a deal. I just finished furnishing my house, you can meet me there.”

“Okay. I will.”

We walk some more and the energy is still a little awkward.

“I like to think of myself as an honest person. There’s just some things I’d prefer to keep private. You’re right about the transparency, though. I should respect my friends enough to be honest and let them know when I need to keep my cards close to my chest.”

“It’s only human to not want to burden others. The trick is learning to tell when someone is willing to share a load with you.”

“I know a few people who would help me carry my baggage. I think I found one more, too.”

Wallace looks at me with gratitude. He’s normally very confident and understated, so this is a side of him I hadn’t seen yet. It’s nice.

We finally get to my house and I give him a kiss on the cheek.

“See you around.”

As usual Foxie is waiting for me inside.

“Was that Mr. Wallace?” He must have seen us through the window.

“Yes it was.”

“He’s…big. And looks a little intense.”

“I suppose. But he really is kind.”

I take off my morph suit.

“Baby boy?”

“Yes, Daddy?”

“Could you teach me that stomach distension trick?”

*****

The next day I take my final walk around town after work. Sapphro told me multiple times that she won’t actually try to enforce my “punishment,” but I want to show my desire to change, to both her and myself.

I haven’t seen the Darkness since that incident on Tuesday. I don’t know what it’s up to, it either doesn’t have the energy to torment me all the time or this is some sort of mind game to make me paranoid. Either way, in the meantime I need to steel myself for the next encounter. I do form a theory about what it can and can’t do, but I’m not eager to have to test it out.

I make it to Wallace’s home and he greets me.

“So, what do you want to do now?”

I smile. “The conversation is a little heavy. I think the two of us should loosen up first.”

“If you say so.”

I strip down first, taking off outfit 37 for what will hopefully be the last time for the foreseeable future. Wallace whistles.

“I can’t get over your body. The greatest sculptors couldn’t craft such perfection. May I pose you?”

“Sure.”

He shifts my weight so I’m resting on my right leg. He turns my head to the left and moves my arms so my right is down at my side and the left is bent, my hand close to my chin. When he’s done he takes a step back and admires his handiwork.

“Michelangelo had the wrong model. David has nothing on you.”

I get a lot of compliments, but that’s a new one.

“Do you ever model for the artists in Quetzalcoatl?”

“I have a few times. It’s not ideal, we all get distracted.”

“I can imagine.”

“Still, we’ve seen my body already. I want to see yours now that your supplements have taken effect.”

“As you wish.”

He disrobes as well, and I can clearly see and feel how the supplements have enhanced his form. The first few doses are to get the nanobots distributed throughout the body, and when there’s enough, the supplements begin making changes. I remember how quickly things happened to me back at the beginning. Once the transformation began it took about 48 hours. I ate like a starving man and felt like I was dying of thirst, but the results were more than worth it.

I remember what Wallace looked like back on Sunday. He was handsome, no doubt about it, but now he’s smoking hot. He doesn’t look lanky anymore, his muscles filled out to match his height. His pecs, arms, and abs are sharper, more cut and bulky. Wallace’s new legs are not nearly as thick as mine, but his thighs, calves, and glutes have more shape. His round ass isn’t soft and jiggly the way mine is, Wallace’s new bubble butt is muscled and firm, very manly. His body hair is now a thick rug that covers his upper chest and forms a treasure trail down to his dense pubic bush. His arms, legs, and ass have a thin dusting of hair as well. None of the new body hair is wiry or scratchy at all, it’s very soft and fluffy to the touch. Wallace’s back, sides, hands, and feet are hairless. His beard and eyebrows are also fuller and more sharply defined, framing his face perfectly.

“Gorgeous. You’re the one who should be made into a statue.”

“Thank you. Coming from you, that means a lot.”

“Did the supplements do anything else?”

“A lot of standard things, a little boring. I have a lot more energy in the mornings and no more joint pain. But this is my favorite part.”

He takes off my glasses and hands them to me.

“What? Are your eyes a different color or something?”

“No, but I can read that sign over there.” He points to a street sign out the window.

“You fixed your eyesight?”

“Perfect vision.”

I look at the glasses in my hands, now confused.

“Why are you still wearing the glasses, then?”

“Just because wearing them was inconvenient doesn’t mean I didn’t like how they looked. And now they’re virtually indestructible, water repellent, and smudge proof.”

He takes the glasses back and demonstrates that he can’t break them, even with his new muscle.

I reach down and feel his long, warm cock in my hand. There’s no additional girth but it might be even longer than it was before.

“It’s great to see Wallace in his perfect form.” I stroke his dick. “Can I see him in action?”

“I’ve been waiting for this since yesterday.”

He picks me up bodily and carries me to his bed again. His demeanor is a lot more dominant than it was last time. He’s the one who spreads my legs and pushes them back, exposing my pussy. He buries his face in my cunt and devours me, his newly perfected facial hair tickling my most intimate places.

Once the both of us have gotten me very wet he takes his dick and pushes it into me. It makes me feel like he’s filling up my entire body, like the dick is going to come out my mouth.

“Fuck, you’re so deep!”

He doesn’t take it as slow as he did on Sunday. He’s a little faster, a little rougher. It’s not like being fucked by Archie, but there’s more power to it.

“I could mate with you all night.”

“You’re not the only one. I have a lot of regular customers. I’ll-AH!” I yelp as he jabs me just right on the inside. Once I recover, I continue. “I’ll give you the information later.”

“If this is the last fuck I won’t need to schedule then I should make it count.”

And make it count he does. He fucks me for an hour, shooting inside me twice. I don’t think his stamina has been augmented, so I can tell he’s getting tired by the second load. It seems like the perfect time to put what Foxie taught me to use.

My boy was intrigued when I asked about learning his special skill the night before.

“You’ve taken a lot of big cocks, Daddy. Why are you looking to try it now?”

“Well, I want to hook up with Wallace tomorrow and I think he’d respond well to it.”

Then I thought about what I just said.

“Foxie, are you okay with this? You’re my partner.”

“Why would this bother me? You fuck other people all the time.”

“This seems more…I don’t know…personal? He’s not a client.”

“But he is your friend, right?”

“Yes.”

“And you love your friends, right?”

“Of course.”

“This is how you show love. I would never discourage that.”

Once again I felt blessed by this little angel of a boy.

“I love you so fucking much.”

Foxie got this sly little smile.

“Then show me your love, Daddy.”

Now in the present I tell Wallace I want to try taking the reins. He agrees and lets me start riding him. Last night I used some of Foxie’s toys to practice and get a better feel for the best angle. It takes some patience and finesse, but I can eventually see the faint shape of Wallace inside my body. I do my best to channel my inner Foxie when I speak.

“Oh, fuck! Look, Sir!”

He sees the bulge and his eyes widen.

“Holy shit! Eros, are you okay?”

“Okay? I’m in heaven! This big buff god of a man has his cock so deep inside me it’s about to burst out my gut! I love it! I love you! Fuck me! Fuck me deep and fast and hard!”

I see this hungry, almost crazed look in his eyes.

“You asked for it.”

He takes control again and pounds into me with all he’s got. Now it’s starting to feel like getting fucked by Archie, except if Archie was twice his size.

The third load comes out soon after and I can see that Wallace really is down for the count at this point. I adjust us so we’re both cuddling, his cock softening in my well-fucked pussy.

He’s the first to speak a few minutes later.

“Are you okay? Did I harm you?”

“That was wonderful. I asked for you to fuck me hard and you delivered. I hope you become a regular for me in the future.”

“How could I not? That was the best sex I’ve ever had.” He wraps his beefy, furry arms around my body. I feel so safe, so protected in his warm embrace.

We take a quick nap before going back on the couch. Wallace puts on boxers and an undershirt while I stay nude.

“You said you wanted to ask me something yesterday. I’m ready to answer.”

I take a deep breath in and out.

“Who were you before moving here?”

“I was a 37 year old man named Costas living in Cyprus. I was at a decent position at an architecture firm, a group designing buildings in Dubai, Cairo, Istanbul, all over the world.”

“That sounds about right. How did you get approached to move here?”

“I got a letter I was kind of suspicious of. It was presented as a job opportunity that required relocation, but it almost felt like I was being invited to join a cult or something. The promises sounded too good to be true.”

Nothing he says awakens any memories. If this was how I was recruited I wouldn’t know.

“Did you have any direct contact with people here?”

“Of course I did, I would never have done this without a thorough vetting process. It talked to Agape, Kirkegaard, the scientists, it was weeks of interviews. Eventually I felt safe enough to accept their offer. That’s when I quit my job and moved here.”

It occurs to me that I don’t even know where in the world Quetzalcoatl is. Anything in the process of coming here was before my memory was wiped.

“How did you get here?”

“They sent a private jet. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen the pilot since I got here. He was an interesting man.”

“How so?”

“He had the biggest, longest, thickest mane of hair I’ve ever seen on anyone. His outfit was strange, too. He had this white shirt and iridescent green pants. I don’t think he ever told me his name.”

I can’t think of anyone in Quetzalcoatl who matches that description.

“When I got here I was given the name Wallace and provided a location for my new home. You know everything after that.”

“Did they ever tell you why you were named Wallace?”

“No, and I don’t know why. There aren’t any legendary architects by that name. When I hear the name Wallace I think of William Wallace, but I don’t think I have much in common with a Scottish revolutionary.”

“Yeah, I guess not.”

“Is it okay if I asked why you want to know all this?”

I think about it. Perhaps it’s time to ask for help carrying this load.

“I’m asking all this because I have absolutely no memory of my life before I started living in Quetzalcoatl. And the more I learn about this, the more concerned I get. Files of my old life have been deleted, and I don’t know who did it. It almost feels like I’ve being kept from-”

I am not allowed to finish that sentence. A bolt of lightning explodes instantly, and everything flashes white. I hear the deafening sounds of the ground shaking, fire burning, and crashing waves. I feel like I’m swept off the ground and flung into space.

The world goes black and silent as I pass out.

*****

My head is cloudy and there’s a ringing in my ears as I come to. Reality fades in and I’m in my own house, at our table. I’m nude, and my morph suit is hanging up by the door as usual. I don’t know how I got here.

“Daddy? Daddy, are you okay?”

Foxie walks up to me, looking very concerned.

“You spaced out, I think you fainted!”

I rub my forehead, my brain pounding.

“Where’s Wallace?”

“Wallace?”

“Yes, Wallace, the person I was visiting. The man who turned my life upside down. The one who might be a charred corpse right now! That Wallace!”

“Daddy, you’re not making sense! Who’s Wallace?”

My head pounds in a throbbing ache and I barely notice.

“Foxie, please tell me you’re joking.”

“I’m not joking, I’ve never heard of anyone here with that name!”

“No. No, no no! Not again!”

I get to my feet, knocking the chair to the floor.

“I need to see something!”

I run upstairs and open the door to roof access. I know that if I look to the northeast I’ll see a storm of fire and brimstone where Wallace’s house once stood. Something, anything that shows what happened just moments ago.

But there’s nothing. The night is still and silent. I get lightheaded and sit down so I don’t fall off the roof.

It’s happening again, and this time it’s so much worse than a house moving to the other side of town.

I hear Foxie’s voice again.

“Daddy, please, you’re scaring me!”

My lover scrambles up to me and clamps his body onto mine.

“What’s going on? One moment we’re eating dinner and the next you look like you just saw the worst thing ever! I don’t know what’s wrong, I don’t know how to help!” His voice is thick with tears.

I’m so shell-shocked I can’t even cry. It takes a minute or so for me to notice that I’m muttering the same things over and over to Foxie, like it’s a prayer or a chant.

“You’re safe. I love you. I’m sorry. You’re safe. I love you. I’m sorry. You’re safe. I love you. I’m sorry.”

It takes a long time for both of us to calm down. It’s silent for a few minutes when Foxie finally speaks up again.

“Daddy, what did you see back there?”

I had been considering what I would say, and decided that I couldn’t afford to not play it safe anymore.

“I can’t tell you. I know it’s unfair, but I can never tell you, and I can never tell you why.”

Reality shattered while I was in the process of telling Wallace about my amnesia. Correlation does not prove causation, but considering the fact that what happened seemingly deleted Wallace from this timeline I have reason to believe it was a sort of warning. It was horrendous enough for it to happen to Wallace, and I will never, ever let it happen to Foxie.

“Eros, this isn’t like you.”

“I know.”

There was another long pause.

“I’m scared.” Foxie’s voice is weak, small.

I petted his hair.

“I’m scared, too.” I kiss his forehead. “Just know that it would be so much more scary if I didn’t have you here with me.”

I bring us to our feet.

“Let’s go back inside.”

*****

Things are very quiet as the two of us have breakfast the next morning. I do my best to show Foxie the same tenderness and affection I always do. It’s hard for me to tell if he’s mad at me, sad, or still processing everything that happened last night. To be fair, I’m still working things out myself. I make sure to pour all the sincerity I can into my face and voice when I look him in the eye and say “I love you, Foxie.”

He hugs me. “I love you too, Doddy.”

For the first time in days I get to decide my attire. I’m not in a flashy mood, so I pick outfit 8.

8 is probably the most understated of all 40 options. It’s a black T-shirt and black leggings, though they’re both the sort of faded off-black that only comes after many uses and washings. My black shoes are similarly plain. It looks like something a theater actor or a dancer would wear during rehearsal.

I am surprised to see The Darkness standing on the street outside, but considering the previous night’s events I don’t have the mental energy to be all that afraid. I suppose my only option is to test the theory I formed about its abilities.

I do my best to put on a brave face and just keep walking forward. The Darkness responds by approaching me as well, its form flickering and jumping around in the space of an instant. I feel that cold again.

Soon enough we’re face to face. It stares me down.

Then I casually go around it and continue my walk.

I hear the Darkness chuckle behind me before it catches up and walks by my side.

“I was wondering how long it would take for you to figure it out.”

I was right. As much power it has over my state of mind, it can only affect me psychologically. Of course, I didn’t know that at first, and it used that to terrorize me, making me fear for my safety.

“I suppose this little game of cat and mouse has played out. I need to find another way to make you suffer.”

“What I went through last night was worse than anything you could ever hope to do. You don’t scare me anymore.”

“That’s a lie.”

I wasn’t expecting that bluff to work, but I had to give it a shot.

“Last night’s episode has given me a few ideas, though. There’s something under the surface of this little paradise. Something dark. I want to learn more.”

“Be my guest. I’m done trying to find answers. I hope you get yourself erased, too.”

“I refuse to be ignored by you, Eros. You’ll never be able to escape me.”

“Maybe not, but I’ll just learn how to live with you. I deserve to be happy here.”

The Darkness scoffs.

“Do you know why I call you a liar? It’s because you pretend you love yourself when you shouldn’t be able to. You think I would exist if you ever thought you deserved happiness?”

“I do love myself now, even if I didn’t before. I’ve grown.”

“Fuck you. You didn’t grow, you just got everything you ever wanted. Even if I can’t remember the person you were in the past, this burning hatred in my very being tells me all I need to know. I’m going to make you pay for running away from me for so long. I’m going to destroy you.”

“At the moment, that threat is empty. All you can do is make me cold and give me the jitters. Now if you excuse me, I want to start my jog.”

I begin jogging and soon it’s apparent that the Darkness isn’t following me. Perhaps it’s not a good idea to taunt a being that wants nothing more to ruin my life, but I can’t bring myself to care anymore. Losing Wallace helped put things in perspective. My own small struggles are nothing in the face of what I’ve been given. My amnesia isn’t important. My memories must have been wiped because that’s what was needed for me to be happy. It’s selfish to try to probe any deeper.

I need to protect Quetzalcoatl. I need to protect the people I love.

*****

As the days go by I’m able to slowly piece together the general picture of what happened that fateful night. Wallace’s house is indeed gone, now an empty, undisturbed plot of land. There’s no concern or alarm from anyone about this, so I can only assume he’s been forgotten. Whether he was completely wiped off the face of the earth or just made so he never moved to Quetzalcoatl I can’t say, but I really hope it’s the latter. Unless I’m shown otherwise I will continue to believe that there’s a strong, kind, intelligent architect in Cyprus named Costas.

All the same, this was the second time history was rewritten, the first time being a week before when his house up and crossed town in the middle of the night. Looking back on it, all these anomalies seem to coincide with incidents where I was questioning or doubting Quetzalcoatl. The earthquake happened after I thought about whether getting what we want could get in the way of what we truly need. That unexpected rainstorm happened as I mulled over how I wouldn’t wait so long to bring in recruits if I were running things. Worst of all, Wallace was taken away when I told him about my amnesia and how it felt like something was being kept from me. There’s a force, some sort of higher power telling me that it’s not my place to rock the boat. It warned me when it expanded the distance between us and took Wallace out of the picture when I didn’t heed that warning.

I’m starting to see Quetzalcoatl in a way similar to the gigantic dragon of the same name I rode in my dream. It’s omniscient, all-powerful, and more than willing to interfere when something is being disturbed in its realm. Quetzalcoatl is benevolent when it isn’t being challenged, and I’m no longer interested in challenging anything.

My life continues, similar but still very different to how it was before all this. I work, love, and try to help others in any way I can. I offer to put in extra hours so there’s a constant supply of eros to anyone who needs it. I redouble my efforts to love and cherish Foxie. I do more and more to give back to this community.

Things would almost be back to normal if it wasn’t for the Darkness.

Despite its claims to be looking for Quetzalcoatl’s dark secrets it does occasionally have the time to harass me. Often it follows me around, so close I can feel the icy flames lick my back. When I’m talking to someone it sometimes whispers horrible things in my ear, saying they hate me and only put up with me out of pity. Occasionally I hear its voice in my head at night, telling me I’m pathetic, worthless, a liar, fake, selfish, incapable of loving or being loved, every horrible thing someone can be called for hours at a time.

It’s not fun, it’s downright depressing and humiliating, but ultimately it’s not enough to truly hurt me. The events help me put together why my memories and self-loathing were both sealed away upon my arrival. The Darkness has every intent to make me miserable, but without the context of who I once was, the events and feelings that led to me hating myself so much in the first place, I can hear its abuse without internalizing it. As awful as it is to experience, I can still cling on to the fact that I don’t believe its words.

I shouldn’t have been so quick to characterize my amnesia as an accident or even something sinister. For all I know I asked for it because that’s how I could live happily. But even if I didn’t it was done for the sake of my well-being.

That’s why I ask Nobody when I see him in my dreams to not tell me about my past experiences. It’s best to let the past stay in the past. I still interact with him and try to keep him company. He didn’t choose to be locked away, so if nothing else I should try to befriend him and be his companion when I can.

As winter begins we get very light snowfall occasionally, more for the aesthetic than anything. It’s colder, but not extreme. Seasons in Quetzalcoatl mostly serve to indicate the passage of time, keeping things fresh. Spring has an explosion of flowers all over the area, summers are bright and clear every day, and autumns always have beautiful leaves of warm colors on every tree.

At the beginning of winter I pass the one year anniversary of my arrival in Quetzalcoatl, one year of living the only life I can remember. Apparently it’s tradition to celebrate the one year anniversary, but it’s not recurring like a birthday. Foxie throws me a small party and invites all of our closest friends like Sapphro, Curie, and Andersen. I’m also given free rein to fuck whoever and however I want that day. All of my favorite clients and friends are more than on board, and I have sex with a dozen different people for six uninterrupted hours, from the early evening well into the night. By the end of it, my cock is throbbing, red, and sensitive to a faint breeze and the inside of my pussy is so wet from slick and loads I’m dripping for days.

Things never exactly go back to normal, it’s more like a new normal is created and I get settled into that. I’m satisfied with the way things are now. As long as I go with the program and not question things, I’m happy.

Even with my guilt, I’m happy.

Even with my shame, I’m happy.

Even with my doubts, I’m happy.

I’m happy.

*****

Soon after my first year anniversary one of Quetzalcoatl’s most popular winter hotspots is open for business: the hot spring center.

According to my fellow citizens a new center is built every winter and opened for seven days, each iteration more elaborate and amazing than the one before it. I had so much fun with it last year, all the way back when I first began my life in Quetzalcoatl, and I intend to make the most of it yet again.

Once I meet up with Archie and Constantine we begin our walk to the hot spring center’s new location, which is on the edge of town. The other two are wearing minimal clothing, even in the relative cold, and my morph suit is set to outfit 25, which is a white and pale blue full-body jumpsuit with accents of deep red and the characteristic dull sheen of spandex. Realistically it looks like something a skydiver or a gymnast would wear, but it could also pass for a wetsuit in a pinch. It hardly matters; I don’t plan on keeping it on for long anyway.

Last year it was very much a bathhouse, a singular building, but this year it appears more modeled after Asian hot spring resorts, having a central lobby with outdoor pools encircling it, separated by walls. All the springs are non-gendered since everyone in Quetzalcoatl is comfortable around each other. The only caveat is that some springs are marked with green, where activities are encouraged to be kept calm, and some are marked in red, where things can get a little frisky if the bathers so desire.

We strip nude and begin with the biggest spring, which is the size of an olympic swimming pool and cleverly designed. The pool is square, and the two axes follow along a scale, one side starting shallow and getting deeper while the other goes from lukewarm to very hot. This way everyone can easily find a spot ideal for what they’re looking for.

Me and my two friends settle down at a relatively shallow part towards the hotter side of the pool. The water is constantly flowing, licking my body with heat and making my skin tingle. It feels like it’s alive, embracing me.

The three of us sit mostly in silence, Archie speaking up most of the time. He’s sitting in Constantine’s lap while the gentle giant has his arms wrapped around his much smaller body. The masseur and the mechanic are opposites in most ways, but it’s a case where opposites very much attract and they’re close friends. Archie talks enough for both of them and Constantine can always take the edge off of Archie’s energy. They’re friends with benefits as well, though both of them also often have sex with me.

After about half an hour when I go to get some water I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to see Curie’s friend Lilin, along with Lilin’s boyfriend oread.

“Hey there, Eros. It’s been far too long since we last spoke.”

“Yeah, it has. I guess the both of us just have a lot to do most of the time.”

I look over at Archie and Constantine, who are currently getting a little touchy-feely given that we’re in a green area..

“Hey guys,” I call over. “I think I’m gonna go catch up with Lilin, if that’s okay.”

Constantine nods warmly and Archie gives me a thumbs up. “We should probably head somewhere more private, too.” He kisses his friend’s neck. Smiling, I walk off with Lilin and oread.

It is true that Lilin and I don’t interact nearly as much as we used to. She was once one of my regulars but ever since she and oread got together she only visits me on rare occasions. Nowadays I mostly interact with her through Curie.

Nonetheless I have a lot to thank Lilin for. She was there recommending me to others from the beginning and her high standing in our town helped word spread fast. Not to mention she was my first sexual encounter in Quetzalcoatl outside of Foxie.

I remember it all quite vividly. It was in the bathhouse last year, back when I’d hardly been living in Quetzalcoatl for a week. My supplements had taken effect and I was already living with Foxie, but my confidence level was still lower than it needed to be if I wanted to perform at my peak. My business was to start up the following day.

I was in a small, private bathing room, one of the red rooms, but since I was alone I didn’t think that mattered. I had been relaxing nude, just my feet in the water, when the door opened. I turned to see a very curvy dark-skinned south Asian woman wearing a towel around her waist, her huge breasts fully exposed.

“Oh, I apologize, I didn’t know anyone else would be in here,” she said.

“It’s fine. You can just ignore me if you want.”

She walked up and looked at me a little closer.

“I’m not sure if I want to ignore you, boy. You’re one fine specimen.”

“Thank you very much.”

She sat down at the bath’s edge, her dainty feet going in the warm, scented water.

“You’re new around here, aren’t you?”

“I am. My name is Eros.” We shook hands.

“I’m Lilin. What are you planning on doing for work?”

Suddenly I was grateful that the heat and steam meant my cheeks were already sort of red.

“Um…” I decided to throw caution to the wind. I needed to be proud of what I was doing. “I’m going to be a sex worker. The bots around here work in a pinch but I want to give people the real thing, no strings attached.”

She cocks an eyebrow. “That’s a noble cause, Eros. Are you sure you can handle the responsibility?”

“I’ll do my best.” Then I remembered what Foxie had told me about showing self-confidence, even when it feels silly. “No, I know I can do this. I’m a well-oiled sexual machine!” I flex for her.

Lilin chuckled. “You sure got spunk, I’ll give you that.”

Then, without warning, she put her hand on my cock. I flinched but forced myself to relax. I reminded myself that what was happening was my duty, my purpose. I enjoyed the attention, it was just a lot to take in because it was the first time with someone new. Lilin’s other hand went to the taut, springy flesh at the top of my bubble butt.

“Hm…who’s the one who decided you should have this dump truck ass?”

I swallowed, feeling aroused and submissive under her touch.

“I did, ma’am.”

“I think you made the right call then. Do you know how to use it?”

Use it? What did she have in mind?

“I like using it very much, ma’am.”

“I see. Would you like it if I were your first client?”

I sighed and felt myself melt a little.

“Yes. Please, ma’am.”

“Good boy.”

Lilin stood up to do two things, lock the door and turn the temperature in the room down. She must not have wanted me to overheat.

Then she dropped her towel and it felt like the whole world came to a standstill.

Lilin is a smoky, seductive feminine beauty, so it threw me off guard entirely to see that between her legs was a thick, meaty penis, hairless and gigantic.

“Is something wrong, Eros?” she asked. “Surely you’ve seen plenty of cocks in your day.”

“I mean…I just haven’t seen one so…” I felt my mouth water. “Surprising before.”

“I’m a woman of many surprises.”

As she approached, her cock got bigger, and I thought it was already fully erect. There are a lot of big cocks in Quetzalcoatl: mine, Constantine’s, Wallace’s when he was still here. None of them are as big as hers. Lilin’s dick is a foot long and thick as a soda can.

“You seem overwhelmed, boy.”

“How could I not be? It’s…” I swallowed. “So much.”

“I hope it’s not too much for you to handle. You seemed pretty confident earlier.”

I remembered how I had bragged about being a sex machine mere moments before. I needed to be confident, have faith in my new body and abilities. I got on my knees, arching my back so my ass stuck out.

“Please, ma’am, let me make your big beautiful cock feel good.”

She laughed and cupped my chin with her hand.

“That’s more like it.”

The next twenty minutes or so I throated her monster dick and took the entire thing up my ass pussy. She was very dominant, very assertive and strong. When she moaned and shot a huge load inside me, I burned with pride at having done such a good job.

Afterwards we cuddled, my face in her tits. The beautiful woman petted my hair.

“Eros, you just got yourself a customer.”

Back in the present, Lilin, oread, and I are relaxing in a smaller bathing area, marked red. She and I are sitting upright while oread is curled up on his side in front of Lilin, head in her naked lap.

Those two are a match made in heaven, and I feel proud that I was the one who made them aware of each other.

Oread was a painter who met with me a month or so after my business started up. Named after mountain nymphs from Greek mythology, he has an appropriately nymphish appearance. Oread is a pale, skinny little femboy, looking at least five years younger than his actual age of 27. The boy is shy and soft-spoken, usually preferring time to himself, but has specific sexual needs: he’s a submissive bottom who absolutely loves cock. There aren’t many people who have blown me with the same kind of reverence and gusto as him. After we had sex I suspected that he was interested in someone even bigger than me, so I told him about Lilin. He was curious, but also nervous.

“A curvy dark-skinned woman with a mammoth cock sounds wonderful, but…” he buried his face in my chest. “Are you sure she’ll want a timid boy like me?”

I ran my fingers through his soft platinum blond hair.

“She’ll love you. Lilin enjoys feeling dominant. Strong. Motherly. A boy like you is exactly what she wants. I never feel more small and helpless than I do with her. Or more stretched out.”

“That sounds…so perfect.”

Indeed my intuition was not off and the two were starry-eyed over each other right away. The two of them formed a very special relationship, Lilin as the Dominant and Oread as the submissive. Soon Lilin and Oread became Madam Lilin and her boy oread. Ever since they became a couple oread has always worn a rose-gold chain necklace with her name etched into it. Even now she’s playing with that chain of love in her fingers.

“How have things been, Eros?” she asks me.

“Things have been absolutely perfect.”

I see her dark eyes probe into mine in a way that makes me a little uncomfortable.

“I get the impression that isn’t quite true. Is something wrong?”

I purse my lips. I thought I was better at hiding that by now.

“It’s not a problem with Quetzalcoatl, it’s me. It’s something I need to deal with alone and I’d rather not talk about it.”

“I see. Well, I trust you know what you’re doing.” She puts her hand on oread.

“How have things been with you two?” I ask, eager to change the subject.

“They’ve been wonderful,” Lilin says, as usual speaking for both of them. “Isn’t that right, boy?”

“Oh, You know it, Madam Lilin.” oread nuzzles her dick, causing it to harden.

“boy, if you do that much more I’m going to make you finish what you’ve started.”

“i’d love that. Sir Eros, do You want to watch?”

“Sounds fun.” I scoot back a little to give them more room.

oread sucks Lilin’s monster cock, throating it in his tiny body effortlessly. Those two are each something special. Part of me mourns the loss of such wonderful customers, but I know in my heart that they’re much happier with each other than I could make either of them myself.

“Eros, would you mind holding my boy down as I use him?”

“Not at all.” I pat my thigh. “Hop on, oread.”

The submissive little femboy crawls up on my lap and I lay us down, his back against my chest. Knowing how much they both love bondage, I hold oread very tightly so he can’t escape.

“Ooh, i love the way this feels, Sir Eros. Thank You for restraining me.”

“You’re welcome.”

Lilin goes full Dominant on oread, however roughly and aggressively she’s fucked me is nothing in comparison. The boy squeals, coos, whimpers under her power, his little dick exploding over and over. By the time Lilin has had her way with oread he’s passed out from the intensity.

“Thanks for the help, Eros. I’ll take him now.”

She picks up the boy and slings him over her shoulder, to which his only response is to sigh happily. Ever since she became a full-time Dominant Lilin adjusted her supplements to increase her strength. I’m also certain oread is not naturally that sound a sleeper.

“I should bring my boy back home. It was nice talking with you, Eros. I hope you get through whatever is troubling you. I’ll see you around.”

“Of course. Say hi to Curie for me.”

“Can do.” She pats her boy’s buttock and makes her leave.

I’m eventually able to track down Archie and Constantine, who look like they’ve just finished a lovemaking session of their own. Inspired and turned on by seeing Lilin and oread I ask them if they want a round two. Soon enough Constantine is holding me in his strong arms as Archie pile drives into me. It feels great.

Overall it was a wonderful evening at the Quetzalcoatl hot spring center, the first of many.

*****

Time marches on, and for a long stretch I both stop seeing the Darkness and stop having dreams. A part of me hopes that’s a sign things will finally be over and I can live in peace, but I don’t think even my most optimistic self truly believes that.

That’s why one night a couple weeks after my first anniversary, when I feel myself entering a dream, all I can do is brace myself.

But nothing can prepare me for what’s coming.

I’m on a cliffside, overlooking a misty white void. It’s completely empty past the sheer drop, except for one thing: far off in the distance I can see a piece of land. I can’t see much detail, but somehow I know that I’m looking at Quetzalcoatl.

I hear movement next to me and see someone I’ve never met. He’s a man about my height with alabaster skin and a ridiculous mane of golden hair. It has to defy gravity the way it supports its own weight and sticks out behind him. His hair is so thick and long it’s almost his size. It looks cool, but realistically would be impossible to deal with in everyday life.

The man is wearing a spotlessly white vest and green pants that seem to shimmer many different colors. Despite the rest of his clothes, his feet are bare. His build and face are slender and his eyes are hidden behind polarized sunglasses.

Seeing this strange man makes me remember something I heard once.

Come to think of it, I haven’t seen the pilot since I got here. He had the biggest, longest, thickest mane of hair I’ve ever seen on anyone. His outfit was strange, too. He had this white shirt and iridescent green pants. I don’t think he ever told me his name.

This is the pilot Wallace told me about. But when he takes off his sunglasses to reveal slitted orange eyes, I know who he truly is.

“Quetzalcoatl.”

The feathered serpent looks at me, expression blank. He speaks only four words.

“The end is near.”

*****

I wake up to a cold feeling in my bones. Unlike any of the other dreams, I’m oddly calm after waking up from this one, despite how ominous and confusing it was. Maybe I can take solace in the fact that like Quetzalcoatl had said, one way or another, this part of my journey is soon going to be over.

I hear a cruel, evil laugh in my mind. When I look out the window I see the Darkness in the field behind my house. It beckons me.

I’m tempted, very much tempted to ignore it, but at this point I don’t see much wisdom in that. Something huge is about to happen and I may as well face it head-on. I kiss Foxie’s cheek before I leave my house, not bothering to put on any clothes.

The Darkness is still laughing, if anything it’s laughing even harder now. Nothing about it reads as fake, this monster is truly, deeply happy about something.

“What do you want?” I ask, voice filled with hate.

The Darkness laughs more before finding some composure.

“My apologies, it’s just too fucking good not to laugh at. I could have never hoped for anything this funny!”

“Quit wasting my time and tell me whatever it is you want to tell me.”

Finally the Darkness seems to get some of its usual anger back.

“I can’t believe you think you can talk to me like that. But once I’m through with you, you’ll never be able to look down on me again.”

“Wow, such scary words from the Boogeyman! You’re all talk. No power, no control, just empty threats. When are you going to realize that you can’t win this?”

I don’t know where this confidence came from, but at the moment it feels good to belittle and degrade the entity who has done nothing but torment me. I step forward.

“I do love myself now, no matter what you say. I have so many friends who care about me. Your words are just that, words, and they can’t break me. I’m happy. I love myself. You lost.”

Then it’s as if the negative fire is doused in gasoline. The Darkness flares up and the air becomes so cold I can see my breath. Its shadows swallow the moonlight around us whole.

“You really are pathetic.” Its voice is deadly quiet. “I have never hated you more than I do right now.”

“I don’t give a fuck how you feel.”

“Yes, I was starting to catch on to that. Unfortunately it’s clear I can’t hurt you as much as I want to, so I did some digging. Whatever divine intervention deleted that man hurt you very much. I wanted to see if I could tap into that power.”

I imagine the Darkness as a computer virus, infecting archives and penetrating even the most tightly encrypted files.

“In my search I found something locked away with so much effort that I knew whatever it was, it was something big. Maybe something I could use to destroy you. It took time, but finally I uncovered the truth.”

As much as I don’t want to, I get intrigued. I gave up looking for answers, but my desire to know hasn’t gone away.

“Now that I know it’s really amazing you never figured it out for yourself. Then again, it has always been in your best interest to never learn the truth.”

I’m beginning to shiver, though from the cold or fear I can’t say.

“Think about it, Eros. A paradise conveniently separate from the rest of the world, full of things that could save the world many times over? You being selected to live here despite being a fucking waste of space that has never been worth anything? You getting a job that requires having all the hot sex you could ever ask for? It’s boring. It’s cliche. It’s not even creative. But you’re so goddamn pathetic you’ve made yourself blind to the fact that none of this is real.”

I take a step back. I can hear thunder crack in the distance.

“Of course this is real. I’m living in it!”

“Yes, but it’s not really living. This is all a dream you’re having.”

More thunder. A strong wind begins blowing.

“Your mind conjured this reality because you can’t survive in the real world. It was so desperate to create any sort of happiness that it ripped open a wormhole in your psyche and locked you away in the realm of dreams. That’s how far you’re willing to go. That’s how low you’ve fallen.”

There’s a rumble and I can feel the ground shift under my feet.

“No…no, it’s not a dream. I’m awake! I’M AWAKE!!”

“Keep lying to yourself all you want, but you know it’s true. None of this shit makes sense. None of it adds up. Half of these people are based off of characters from video games!”

A fire starts to burn. It seemingly springs from the ground and begins engulfing everything.

“You’re the most pathetic thing to ever exist. You couldn’t even dream of a world where you’re not useless. You could have created anything and THIS is what you came up with? You make me sick. People like you should just die. Quetzalcoatl isn’t real. Foxie isn’t real. Eros isn’t real. THIS IS ALL A DREAM! THIS IS ALL A FUCKING LIE!!”

Reality shatters like glass and I’m swept away.

*****

I come to in the same field where I had my first dream, which feels like it was a lifetime ago, except now I know I’m awake. At least, awake as Eros.

The illusion is broken and now it seems so clear.

So painfully, brutally clear.

Quetzalcoatl is too good to be true because it isn’t true.

This is a dream.

I break down, crying my heart out. My friends, my life, my happiness in Quetzalcoatl has all been a lie! And what’s worse is that it’s a lie I told myself! I’m on the ground now, swallowed whole by my pain.

I don’t want it to be true, but I can’t believe my own tricks anymore.

The Darkness won.

It broke me.

“I’m so sorry, Eros,” says Nobody’s voice.

Two people have appeared: Nobody and Quetzalcoatl in his human form, the one he used when piloting that jet.

It feels better to be around anyone who isn’t the Darkness, but I can’t stop my overwhelming despair.

“Why? H-how did this h-happen?” I choke out, sobbing. It takes so much effort to even sit myself up.

Quetzalcoatl approaches me and puts his hand on my arm.

“Do you really desire to hear the answers?”

I look up at these two mysterious beings. I want to trust them.

The secret has already been uncovered. I owe it to myself to see this through to the end.

“I want to know everything.”

Nobody walks up and stands next to Quetzalcoatl.

“Together, the two of us can tell you the whole story. If you wish, we can merge and give you the answers.”

“Merge? What does that mean?”

Quetzalcoatl gets down on his haunches.

“You are the one who created me, gave me all the power I have over this world. Though it’s more accurate to say he’s the one who made me,” the dragon gestures to Nobody, “when he was still you. If he gives himself to me, we will better understand the how and why.”

I furrow my brow.

“Why do you need to do that? Can’t you each just tell me what you know?”

I’m surprised by the way Quetzalcoatl answers.

“I can show you many things, but I’m not confident I can communicate well. I’ve never had to interact with anyone before this. Please, Eros. Lend me a part of you so I can complete my final mission properly.” At this point he looks frustrated and slightly embarrassed in a way that feels very human.

“Do what you have to do.”

“I intend to, but I should ask one more time: are you prepared to learn the truth?”

For some reason I remember something I heard long ago.

I’m confident we’re provided with all we want, but what if it comes at the cost of what we need?

I don’t want to know. I never want to know. I want to go back to the time when I thought everything was real and stay in this world forever.

But I’ve been living only for what I want for too long.

I need to know.

“Please, tell me.”

Quetzalcoatl rises to his feet and holds both of Nobody’s hands. The blurry form of Nobody shatters into light and shoots into Quetzalcoatl’s chest. The human form of the dragon deity is engulfed in a blinding fire, one so bright I need to look away until it fades.

Now standing before me is the same Quetzalcoatl, but in a way I can’t quite describe, his body language, the way he carries himself, his overall energy, is different. It’s more like me. His eyes are my hazel eyes now, not the orange eyes of the feathered serpent.

“I am Quetzalcoatl. I am the dreamer that made this world. I’m the creator and I’m the destroyer. And I did it all because you told me to. You’re the one who dreamed me.”

The dreamer holds his hand out and helps me to my feet. He doesn’t let go when I’m standing.

“I will show you the truth.”

Once again I’m taken somewhere else.

*****

Quetzalcoatl has led me to an endless black void.

“Where are we?” I ask.

He gives my hand a reassuring squeeze before explaining.

“We’re nowhere. This is a time before there was even a ‘here’ to be. But it won’t be that way for long.”

There’s a flash of light nearby and I can see a sort of birth. A young boy, 18 or 19 in appearance, appears. He’s small, pale, and naked. His long golden hair sways in an invisible wind. Then I see the boy grow, years passing in mere seconds. His height and hair length increase and magical energy flows into him. Soon he becomes Quetzalcoatl in his human form.

“You dreamt me and gave me one singular purpose: making you happy. I have all the power of a dreamer, near infinite control over this realm. You are the one who gave me that power.”

The pilot’s uniform appears on the Quetzalcoatl I can see in the distance and he shimmers before becoming the winged serpent.

“In your life, you’ve always loved stories. You’ve done so much research into history, mythology, and folklore. That knowledge was vital for the creation process. With it, I could create this country, its people, and their history.”

The dragon flies around and things appear. Grass and trees, buildings, roads, and finally people. In a couple minutes the place I’ve called home for over a year is created.

“Unfortunately, this wouldn’t be so simple. The part of you that created me knew that if you were just given this paradise the way you were, you wouldn’t accept it. You wouldn’t think you deserved it. So you gave me one last order.”

A shadowy figure appears and the Quetzalcoatl from the past uses its power to divide that figure into three: Me, Nobody, and the Darkness.

“All memory of your past was given to Nobody. Your self-hatred was removed and became the Darkness. Both were sealed away. All knowledge of this world’s origin was left to me alone.”

The two other beings disappear and the past me is brought down to the inside of a gate on the edge of town. I recognize this moment as where my memories begin. I know the Eros I see there is soon going to meet up with Curie to create his dream body. He’s so excited about what’s to come he doesn’t think about anything that happened before this moment.

“Despite my precautions, you still have an inquisitive mind. I knew that this might not be enough. But people are much easier to deceive when they have a reason to believe the stories told to them, so I created someone who would make you very, very happy. Hopefully happy enough to keep you from wondering.”

Similar to Quetzalcoatl’s birth, the dragon creates Foxie. I can also see his old house, the one he lived in before moving in with me, spring to existence.

“Foxie knew only one thing about the mission I created him for: he loved you.”

The scene shifts and I can see the moment me and Foxie first met.

“Make no mistake, Eros. The love Foxie has for you is entirely real and genuine. He’s not your lover because he has to. He wants to love you, and I think you and I both agree he does that wonderfully.”

Now it’s the night of the earthquake. I’m in bed with Foxie, trying to calm him down.

“You noticed in this moment that Foxie seemed shocked, even alarmed that there was a new arrival. That’s because he thought you would be the last. I planted that idea within his very being.”

“If I really was supposed to be the last then why did Wallace come here in the first place?”

“I can’t quite explain that. This seemingly just happened without me ordering it. Or at least not consciously ordering it. Perhaps it was because something more powerful than me was at play: This dream can’t last forever. You’ll have to wake up, and it would be sooner rather than later.

“The only thing that can override my goal to make you happy is keeping you from finding out this is a dream. That’s why I kept a close eye on the interactions you had with this strange new citizen and the thoughts you had afterward. I suspected he might be trouble, so at the beginning I separated you two.”

The whole of Quetzalcoatl warps and twists at the dragon’s command as Wallace’s construction site is moved to the other side of town.

“Sadly, you’re a being from a realm outside my power, so I couldn’t modify your memories like I could at the beginning when Nobody was helping me. You would still remember how things used to be. It was confusing, but you adjusted. You chose to maintain peace, like I knew you would.”

I can see days flash by in a matter of moments.

“Back then I didn’t understand why Nobody told you of your memories being sealed, but now I know. He wasn’t aware this was a dream, but he knew that you and this world were in danger. He wanted to help you however he could.

“As time passed, things got more complicated. You were finally starting to wonder, question what was happening around you in a way you hadn’t before. These events came to a head when you decided to tell Wallace about your amnesia. At that moment I knew he was too dangerous to keep around.”

Once again the timeline changes.

“However, there was still one variable out of my control: the Darkness. It had escaped its prison and I couldn’t stop it. Like you, it’s from a different plane, beyond my reach. None of my defenses were strong enough to keep it from the truth forever. Eventually the Darkness found the secret that would destroy this reality.”

Everything fades away and now we’re back in that field.

“Now you know the how, all the things I’ve done as Quetzalcoatl to protect this world, and how I ultimately failed. I’m sorry for that. You dreamed me into existence and I couldn’t do what you requested.”

“No, it’s not your fault. You did everything you could.”

I give the dragon a hug, and I can tell he appreciates the affection. He needs a moment to get his bearings before he speaks again.

“Ultimately, the how is the easy part. The why is much harder to deal with. In the world of the living, you know the why. You’ll instantly remember it the moment you wake up. But I can tell you a little, while you’re still here.”

“Please, I want to know. Why did I create such an elaborate illusion? Why did I lock myself away for so long?”

Quetzalcoatl’s gaze falls.

“It was an act of survival. The night you’re having this dream is the night before you intend to commit suicide.”

I have to physically take a step back so I don’t crumple to the ground.

I know I was unhappy. I know I hated myself. But was it really that bad?

“I can’t fully convey to you how you came to this point. You haven’t lived this life, so you can’t truly understand. But I can tell you some of the things that brought you here. Is that okay?”

I look at Quetzalcoatl, my head still spinning as I nod.

“You’ve had a hard life, a lonely one. Growing up you’ve been bullied and had difficulty finding friends, whether during school, college, or your adult life. There were moments of happiness, you had your own hobbies and interests, but you often felt like there was something missing.

“You were fourteen years old when you discovered that you’re bisexual. You loved girls, but you also loved the other boys. You knew that could lead to being ostracized further, so you kept it secret until college. During that time you experimented until there was no remaining doubt. You were queer, different from many of the people around you.

“Even in your adult life, you were plagued with doubts. Uncertainty. Insecurity. You tried to put yourself out there, but your attempts didn’t go the way you wanted them to. You were depressed, but from the beginning, you always had one lifeline: your mother.”

I feel tears well up in my eyes.

“She was your rock. She accepted you, loved you, gave you a reason to go on when nobody else would. She would always be there for you throughout your childhood and even when you became an adult she remained your best friend.”

My heart breaks as I infer why he’s referring to her in the past tense.

“Sadly, one day a couple years ago, your mom had a heart attack and passed away. You barely had time to say goodbye. You were shattered.”

I’m sobbing now and Quetzalcoatl pauses his story.

“Do you want me to stop?”

“N-no,” I choke out, wiping tears. “Keep g-going.”

“Very well. You knew your mother wanted you to be happy, and felt like it was your duty to live on, but it hurt. It hurt so much. Every day you fell further and further into darkness. By this point you were 34 years old and felt like your life was a waste. It seemed to you that all your mother’s love ultimately amounted to nothing. You became an alcoholic and a social recluse. Finally, one day the part of you that wanted to die became stronger than the part that wanted to live. You contemplated suicide, then fantasized about it, until one day you planned to make it happen. You decided what day will be your last.

“The night before that final day, the part of your mind that wanted to live made one final attempt to change fate. In your sleep, it created a world of happiness, one that would hopefully encourage you to seek joy once more. In the process it made the part of you that wanted to die very angry. You know the rest.”

I sit down on the grass and Quetzalcoatl sits down by my side. He puts an arm around me.

“How are you feeling, Eros?”

“I’m not really sure I have the words to tell you.”

“Can you try anyway?”

There’s a long pause before I attempt to speak my mind.

“Back when everything first started, I thought that this was some divine, mystical event that could possibly destroy the world. One that only I could fight against. As much as it scared me, it made me feel important. But now that I know this is all a dream, I feel…cheated.”

“Why? What does that matter? It doesn’t change what you have to do now.”

I look at this being so similar and yet so vastly different from me.

“It matters because it’s not real. It’s just a story.”

He pats my shoulder, trying to comfort me.

“Why do you think people tell stories, Eros?”

Now I’m confused. Why is he asking me this?

“I don’t know, entertainment?”

“That makes sense for happy stories, ones that make people feel good. But not all stories are like that. Some are dark, sad, hard to sit through at times. Even so, they’re sometimes cherished and passed down through generations. Why do you think those stories are told?”

I have to think about that for a bit.

“I suppose those stories are told to…communicate truths. Teach people about other people, or even themselves.”

“I agree with you. So with that in mind, what truths does this story tell you?”

I laugh bitterly.

“It tells me that I’m fucking pathetic.”

“You’re thinking like the Darkness. Try to go back to the Eros you were, that kind, confident, grateful person. He’s still you, just a version of you with less baggage. What would that Eros take from all this?”

It’s not easy, but I try to put my pain aside and do what he asks.

“If that Eros knew this was all a story I told myself in an attempt to save my own life, I suppose he would take from it that at least a part of me wants to be happy. It wants to love and help others. And it doesn’t want to die.”

“I can see that. This story shows you that deep down, you want happiness. You want to help others. You don’t want to die. Those all sound like powerful truths.”

I look at Quetzalcoatl again.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“It is true that my power is limited to this world only. When you wake up, I’ll cease to exist and what happens next will be your choice. But I have been a part of this story for so long I’ve become invested. Nobody has also had a lot to think about during this time.

“There are so many things I could tell you, but only one seems important enough to say out loud: as Eros, who is just as much you as Nobody or the Darkness, you displayed so much compassion. You selflessly devoted yourself to your community and your friends. You lived with purpose. You lived with love.”

I can feel a few more tears fall.

“Given how all that is true, let me ask you this: can you extend that same love and compassion to yourself?”

I don’t answer, and I can tell he doesn’t expect me to.

Quetzalcoatl gets to his feet, helping me do the same.

“We don’t have much time left. You’re waking up. If you wish, I can use my powers one last time. Do you want something?”

Immediately, I know what to ask for.

“Can I say goodbye to Foxie?” There are a lot of things in this realm I’ll miss, but I know I’ll miss him most of all.

“As you wish.”

The dragon vanishes, now replaced by my love. He looks around confusedly.

“Daddy? What’s going on?”

“Come here, babe.” I hold out my arms and he runs up into a hug. I pet his soft skin, hoping I can memorize the way it feels.

“I have to leave now.”

He looks up at me.

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to go.”

“I’d stay if I could, but it’s out of my hands. I’m sorry.”

Foxie pushes his face into my chest.

“I’ll miss you, Daddy.”

“I’ll miss you too. Just know this: I love you. I love you with everything I have, and that love will live on in my heart forever.”

I hold his beautiful face and kiss Foxie one last time.

“Goodbye, Foxie.”

He smiles shakily before he answers.

“Goodbye, Eros.”

Foxie disappears. I wipe away my tears for a minute before Quetzalcoatl returns.

“This is the end. It’s time for you to wake up.”

He too leaves, and a door appears before me. I know where it leads.

It’s still true that I don’t want this dream to end. It’s still true that more than anything I want to go back to the life I had before. But now I know that isn’t an option. The door is more of a formality than anything. Even if I don’t go through it I’ll still wake up soon.

I decide that if all of this is going to end I might as well end it on my own terms.

I open the door and am met with the cold, endless dark of the unknown.

I step through.

*****

My eyes open. I know where I am. I know who I am.

I’m not Eros, the beautiful, happy man living in paradise.

I was never him.

I’m Eric, the unemployed alcoholic loser, no longer young and fully prepared to die today. The horrible truth of my life crashes into me for the first time in what feels like a year.

It’s been a while since I last cried. At some point tears seemed unneeded, unnecessary in such a sad life. It’s not like crying ever made things get better, so why bother? Now the floodgates are open and I feel like I’m drowning.

Why did I do that? Why did I provide myself with so much happiness when it would all just get taken away?

I hate myself.

I want to die.

A long time ago I stopped fearing death. I’m at a point where it seems better than the worthless life I’m living. I was 100% all-in on today being the day I’d end it all. I quit my job. I picked out a bridge I knew would do the deed. I even bought an expensive aged whiskey so I could have one last drink before I jumped.

But now I know there’s a not insignificant part of me that still wants to live.

Why? What’s the point? I’m so far gone by now. I have nothing left. If I don’t die today, the life ahead of me is going to be painful. Much more painful than jumping off a bridge. Why is any part of me still holding on, then?

You want happiness. You want to help others. You don’t want to die. Those all sound like powerful truths.

They also sound like foolish hopes right about now.

It always pissed me off how in all the stories I’ve heard about characters that come back from wanting to kill themselves there are always other people they can rely on. Friends, family, and lovers they can confide in and go to, people who’ll aid in their recovery. That’s not always how it works.

I have nobody. The only person I’ve ever had is long since dead.

For some reason I remember something Mom had told me. I can’t remember when it was, it had to be years ago. But I’ll always remember those words.

One thing I want you to know is that you always, always, always have the ability to do the right thing. It’s not always the easy choice. It’s not always the smartest choice. Sometimes it’s the worst choice you can make in the short term. But the choice is always there. And you can always take it.

I’m not sure why that came to mind. That’s obviously about helping others and taking the high road even if it’s hard…right?

Can you extend that same love and compassion to yourself?

Even if I don’t die today, I’m still going to be struggling. I’m still going to be miserable, and I’m still going to be alone. For a long time, I’ll have nobody but myself.

Am I going to be enough?

At this point I’m planning to kill myself to achieve the same goal I had when my mind created that dream: to escape my life. The biggest difference is that this time the escape isn’t going to be temporary. It’s going to last.

Forever.

Maybe I’ve been lying to myself. Maybe I am a little scared of death. But I know that I’m also truly, deeply afraid of living.

Today I have a choice. A choice about what I’m going to do when I get out of this bed. That decision will be mine and mine alone.

Those words play in my head again.

You want happiness. You want to help others. You don’t want to die.

I say them out loud, just to know how they’ll make me feel.

“I want happiness. I want to help others. I don’t want to die.”

My voice sounds weak, unsure, and sad.

Do I sound like I believe that?

No. Not really.

Do I sound like I want to believe that, though?

That I can’t say.

It feels like I spend centuries in that bed, lost in my thoughts.

I keep going back to those words.

I want happiness. I want to help others. I don’t want to die.

After an eternity, I get to my feet.

*****

Two years later

*****

I hear my front door open and close.

“Hey babe, I’m back!”

I get to my feet and go to Armie. He’s still in uniform from his retail job.

Armie, short for Armando, is a man I met at Alcoholics Anonymous a little less than a year ago. Aside from being a few years younger than me and being gay instead of bi, we have a lot in common and hit it off. The two of us have been dating for nine months or so by now.

I can hear Sheepa come up as well. That name is short for Xipetotec, a Mesoamerican god, but for the sake of simplicity everyone mostly calls him Sheepa. That Australian shepherd mix was the MVP during the first year of trying to get my life back together. No matter how sad I became, no matter how much I wanted to give up, he was always there. And he liked having me around. I could always remember that. Rescuing him was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

As the three of us get settled on the couch Armie sees my laptop on the coffee table, open to a word processor.

“Is that the book?”

“It is.”

“When are you going to let me read it?”

“Maybe later. Maybe never. I don’t know yet.”

Recently I decided to write a story based on that dream I had two years ago, mostly just to organize my thoughts. Even after all this time I remember so much about my life as Eros, almost like it was a year spent living abroad instead of a dream. I’ve told Armie that I’m writing something, but I haven’t provided many details and I don’t plan on sharing it much when I’m done. There are some things I want to keep to myself.

“When does your shift start?”

I pull out my phone and check the time.

“Two hours.” It’s not fun working the night shift at a grocery store, but it pays the bills. Well, half of the bills ever since Armie moved in.

“Let’s have dinner then.”

We make something quickly and eat, talking to each other about our days. We have very different schedules, so we do what we can to cherish the time we spend together.

After our meal we lay in bed for a while. I’m staring at the ceiling, which is apparently a habit of mine according to Armie, when I hear my lover’s voice.

“Have you been doing okay lately?”

No matter how much I wish it could be otherwise, depression doesn’t go away, no matter how much progress one makes. A job, a dog, group therapy, sobriety, and a boyfriend all help, but there are still days when I stumble.

“I’ve been doing…” I know how much Armie hates it when I answer this question on autopilot, so I stop and consider before I finish. “Good enough.”

“Anything I can do to help?”

“Just keep being yourself. That’s all I’ll ever ask of you.”

Armie hugs me tightly.

“Eric?”

“Yeah, baby?

“Do you know I thank God every day that we found each other?”

“No.” I could have guessed that, though. I’m honestly indifferent towards religion, but Armie is very much into his beliefs and sometimes asks me to go with him to the queer-friendly church he found years ago. I might take him up on that offer eventually.

“Well, I do. I’m so happy I found you.”

“Thanks. I’m happy we found each other, too.”

That’s an understatement. I like to believe that in my recovery I won the personal victory first. Given that I was alone at the beginning, that makes sense, but my journey is still an ongoing battle. He’s helped me more than I can say.

My lover kisses my lips.

“I love you, Eric.”

“I love you, Armie.”

It approaches the time I should start preparing to leave so I head to the bathroom to turn on the shower. When I remove my shirt I take a moment, like I always do, to look at the tattoo I have on my right arm.

I got it about a year ago, right around the point I dared to believe there really might be light at the end of this tunnel. It’s mirrored, so it’s for me more than it is for anyone else.

In bold letters it says three sentences. They’re based on those “truths” I learned in that dream, but I changed the wording to make them feel a little stronger.

A little more hopeful.

I WILL NEVER STOP PURSUING HAPPINESS.

I WILL ALWAYS STRIVE TO HELP AND LOVE OTHERS.

I WILL LIVE MY LIFE.

*****

Author’s nate:

The intention of this story is not to trivialize, oversimplify, or “fix” suicidal depression. While I hope this can make people happy or show them a new perspective, first and foremost I wrote this story for myself. All the same, I will tell anyone who’s willing to listen that their life is worth living.