“Save some for me,” I said as I was nearly upon them.
“Dean!” Ashley got down from her stool as I arrived and hugged me hard as Kim came around the bar to do the same. They embraced me warmly, and I returned the sentiment. It felt nice, and it concerned me. It concerned me that I or we should be feeling something. This wasn’t supposed to be warm and fuzzy; this was supposed to be cool and fun.
“Hey Babies,” I said as I squeezed them tightly. The greeting sounded simultaneously awkward and absolutely right to me, so I just let it go. I kissed Ashley’s forehead and Kim’s cheek before releasing them, and asked, “What’s going on?”
Ashley volunteered, “Post-coital munchies.”
I contemplated what she’d said for only a moment before bursting into laughter. I knew exactly what she was talking about, but I’d never heard anyone word it like that before. She just smiled at me as Kim started giggling.
I was overcome. “You are fucking wonderful.”
As soon as heard myself say it, I dreaded and regretted it. I tried to hide my fear even as my laughter ceased and the sincerity fled my smile. What the fuck was I doing here? I’d spent all day frolicking and fucking two sixteen-year-old girls while someone’s parents were out of town, and now I was laughing and carrying on and feeling… I disgusted myself, and I just wanted it to be over.
Ashley was staring at me, her face awash with panic. “What’s the matter?” My mask had failed, and I backed away.
“Oh, Ashley.” I was dead serious now, and Kim looked terrified. “You are so wonderful. You both are. And this is all wrong. I have no business being here. You are too young for this and I am old enough to know better.” It all came pouring out. “I should have stopped this when we went for pizza. Nothing good can come of this.”
I was talking to them both, now, but looking at the floor. “I like you, both of you, a lot. I mean it. But this has to stop.” I meant it, every word. The sex in and of itself was bad enough, but if I should start feeling for either one of them, or worse, both of them, I would be doomed.
The room was silent for an eternity. I finally looked up at Kim first to find her looking at me in utter disappointment, tears welling in her eyes, and I wanted to die. I looked to Ashley.
Ashley looked at me as if I’d just called her mother a whore. “Dean, you dumb fuck.” I turned my head back to the floor as she continued. “You stupid asshole. You have no idea what the fuck is going on here, do you?” She wasn’t raising her voice, but she was angrier than I though her capable.
“Dean, what the fuck do you take us for? Do you think we’re a couple of kids? Or you’re taking advantage of us? Is that it?” She was really pissed, and I just stared at her, speechless. “You think I’m a virgin or some shit? Dean, do I fuck like a virgin? Does Kim fuck like a virgin? You know we have sex. Or maybe you think you’re too old for me. Well, you’re not the first twenty-something I’ve fucked, either. You are the first person we’ve shared, but that’s no big deal.”
She paused in contemplation before continuing in a calmer tone. “Dean, I really like you. You’re smart and respectful and mature. Kim really likes you, too. You’re wonderful too, Dean. You’re wonderful, too.”
Everything she’d said made sense, and I wanted to agree, but nothing changed the fact that our relationship made me a criminal. I didn’t want to speak, but I had to say it. “It’s illegal.”
“Bullshit.” She hadn’t hesitated a second. “That’s bullshit, Dean.” She started fuming again, but somehow maintained her composure. She thought for a few seconds before speaking again. “Have you ever smoked pot, Dean? I have, have you?” Of course I had. “If you haven’t, Kim’s got some in her drawer upstairs. It’s the same thing, Dean. It’s a bullshit law that everyone breaks because there’s nothing wrong with smoking a bowl. It’s illegal, and you can go to jail for it, but everyone does it anyway.”
She really had my head spinning. She was making sense, but I was too afraid to give in. I wanted so badly to give in.
She continued, “Dean, there’s nothing wrong with us having sex. Kim and I are women. We want things that women want. We do things that women do.” She paused for several more moments. “Fuck, Dean, in fucking Michigan, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation, because the age of consent there is fucking sixteen.” She stopped to let that sink in.
She was right. About everything. They were women undoubtedly. And it was absolutely a bullshit law. But there was still the matter of the feelings.
It took every last bit of strength to begin speaking. “Ashley, I… Both of you…” Words failed me. “You are both fantastic. I’m… I’m worried about feelings…” I didn’t know how to finish.
To this, Ashley smiled. “Oh, Dean. Dean, Sweetie, what’s wrong with feelings? I mean, really? What’s the worst that could happen? We could fall in love and have to wait two years to tell anyone. I’m not saying that’s what I want to do, I’m just saying…” I could see her thinking. “Kim and I have been best friends for… Three years now? And we’ve been having sex for like, three months. I love her, and she loves me, but we’re not in love. But we’re more than friends. It’s hard to explain.” Then she looked at me, adding, “I didn’t think I’d have to explain to someone like you. I just assumed you’d get it.”
I looked at Kim. Her eyes had dried, and she was looking at me pleadingly. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to kiss them both.
Ashley spoke again. “Dean, look at me.” I did, and found her smiling confidently at me. “You know I’m right, I can see it in your eyes. Don’t blow it. You know I’m right.”
I stood there for a lifetime, Ashley looking through me. She had me. I did know she was right. She had it all figured out. So why wasn’t I moving for her?
She figured that one out, too. “Come here, Dean.”
I did, straight away. I went to them and kissed them both repeatedly, and they accepted me, squeezing me hard enough to remind me of their strength, and peppering me with kisses.
I whispered between them, “You are both so fucking wonderful, you have no idea.”
Kim finally spoke, “Well, I do. We are so fucking wonderful.” I laughed as she continued. “Now shut up and have a fucking cookie, and don’t ever fucking do that again, you motherfucker.”
XXIII. The cookies were even better with milk. I was sitting next to Ashley and had pirated her glass for the cookie or two that I had intended to eat, which had become four or five. She gave me playful shit about absconding with her milk. When I told her I didn’t know that word, I thought she was going to blow a fuse.
“How can you not know ‘abscond,” she asked incredulously. I just gestured the universal “nobody’s perfect” motion, and let her take great glee in teaching me a new word.
I was still apprehensive, but for different reasons. Rarely did I meet someone I genuinely liked more than just in passing. I genuinely liked both of them – Ashley a little more than Kim – and I was worried about getting carried away. I didn’t let it get to me, though.