But despite his resentment towards God, that didn’t mean he hated this place. In fact, Gavin quite liked churches. You didn’t need a belief in God to appreciate architecture and the beauty of light shining on stained glass — whatever it represented. Churches tended to have a welcoming, comforting, quiet atmosphere, as if the attitude of prayer and supplication had left their imprint on the stones. And sometimes, if he was honest, Gavin missed that.
There was another memory, desperate to announce itself to him, but before he could pay attention to it, there was a noise behind him. Gavin whirled around at the sound of a man clearing his throat, wondering if he would face a drug addict, or a drunk. It was neither.
He stared for a moment before breaking into a broad grin. “Paul!” he exclaimed. The memory that had been due to surface was back now in all its glory. How many years had it been? He walked forward quickly to close the distance between them, thinking that he would pull Paul into his arms, but instead he surprised himself by shaking the other man’s hand. It was appropriate. They weren’t the foolish youths they had once been. The day he had made that quite clear. He smiled warmly.
“Well…” he began when Paul didn’t speak, the warmth in his eyes saying more than words could. “How are you?” He dimly realised through his returned sense of drunkenness that this was the last place he expected to bump into his old friend, even if it was the most fitting. “What are doing here?”
“Gavin,” Paul said softly, and it seemed he had been waiting for years to hear his name spoken like that again. The memories couldn’t be stopped now. For years they had been friends, even as children. They attended the same school, and the same church. They had both been in the choir here, and as they got older, and their bodies awoke, they found something else together too. Gavin smiled secretly, remembering their first fumbling kisses. And later, how Paul had been mortified to have Gavin steal touches and kisses from him in the darkened, quiet shadows of this very place. Something about his panic had been so appealing, and yet his whispered protests meant he wasn’t really protesting at all…
Paul smiled a little nervously, still managing to blush after all this time. “Do you remember…” he began, and then let his words drift into silence as their eyes met. For a moment it was the same as it had been all those years ago. Gavin didn’t know how he came to be embracing his old friend when barely a word had been spoken, but it seemed so right. And he claimed a kiss in the same way as he had all those years ago, holding Paul’s hands behind his back — only this time Paul didn’t fight him at all.
When he drew back he laughed a little. Paul’s eyes were closed, and he leaned in again to place a small kiss on his neck. “Yes,” he whispered in answer, feeling Paul tremble a little.
It had been so wonderful! Forbidden and dangerous. What would happen if they were caught? But he hadn’t been able to stop. Although they had never consummated their relationship back then, they had come pretty damn close to it. He remembered more than kisses now. The period of time after they were both too old for the choir, but not old enough to be legal, hiding in the little rooms off the main church to tease each other silly with lips and tongue. He smiled with real pleasure, remembering the first love bite he had given Paul, just before they were due to take their place with the congregation, and Paul’s terror and panic as he tried to cover it up with his collar.
That last summer. He had planned to do what they had both wanted for so long. They had arranged to meet here, at night, to give themselves to each other in sight of the God who didn’t believe in them. But Gavin had never showed for that meeting. His father and mother had found out earlier that week, and by the time the meeting should have taken place, Gavin was on the streets of London, alone.
Goodbye would have been such a painful thing, and he hadn’t wanted to face it. Besides which, his anger at his father had made him leave before he could stop to think. And by the time he did, it was too late to go back.
Now was a different time and place, he reminded himself regretfully, but then he was made aware of it. Paul began pushing him back, so that he stumbled a little before finding himself pressed against the smooth wood of the lectern. “I waited for you!” he accused with a raised eyebrow. Gavin could think of nothing to say, shocked at the sudden turn in events. How could he explain? But then it didn’t matter, because Paul was kissing him — and it was different.
This wasn’t at all like memory, this almost violent urgency and hardness. The roughness of stubble grazed against his skin, and the warmth and scent surrounded him. The kiss wasn’t soft or yielding — it was a punishment, and Gavin found himself submitting to it. He didn’t fight when Paul invaded his mouth with his insistent tongue, and he didn’t say a word when it was over. He had nothing to say.
“I waited,” Paul reminded him again, in that familiar deep, warm voice. They looked at each other, staring intensely. Gavin shook his head.
“I’m sorry,” he said at last, meaning it with everything he had. They should have left together, and instead he had run away alone. But he had been young and angry. Truly he had thought he would be back — but the days and weeks had passed. He had found himself a job, and a place to live. By the time he had been away a few months, he had known he would never willingly go back. “I’m sorry,” he said again, as if it would make ten years vanish and give them back what they had. And maybe it did, because Paul smiled at him.
“You’re here now,” he said with a suggestive smile, and Gavin couldn’t help but answer it. They looked at each other, long and assessing. Paul hadn’t changed so much. Of course there was something older in his eyes, something indefinable, but otherwise he was more or less exactly the same. Paul had hardly aged a day. He felt the old desire beginning to burn in him, and he remembered their plan. It still seemed like a good idea, and from the amused expression he knew that Paul felt the same way.
Lovers had come and gone in his life. There had been a couple of serious ones. Currently he was involved with Christian, but their relationship had been stormy lately, and Gavin found that the idea of unfaithfulness wasn’t unappealing. They removed each other’s clothes as if unwrapping a long awaited present. Everything was perfect. From the sound of skin when he ran his palms over Paul’s exposed chest and stomach, to the feel of Paul’s teeth when he bit Gavin’s neck. Paul laughed lowly at the moan Gavin gave to that, and continued until it actually hurt.
Maybe it was revenge. Gavin liked that idea, and found himself grinning when it became obvious that Paul would take him. He thanked his lucky stars that he had the presence of mind to always carry something when he searched through his pockets for a condom. They even turned that into a game, and Gavin found himself smiling up at Paul in complete trust, even when the younger man used a piece of cloth to bind his hands. Revenge then. Gavin found he didn’t mind a bit…