Gay story: Zac’s story – Chapter 15
Author: Zac22
“It’s bad ok!” Nate said frustrated. “Mum can’t get over it and won’t accept he’s gay. It’s fuckin shit and we’re hopin they can talk it out and make it work ok? We weren’t gonna say nothing til it’s done, but I guess you should know.” He had tears in his eyes and went back to pacing in front of the car.
I looked at Susan. She had an upset look on her face as well and just nodded to confirm what her brother had told me.
We waited for another five minutes before Logan walked out of the house, “Let’s go.”
Nate went straight to the driver’s side and got in the car Susan did the same and I opened the door for Logan. He was stone cold. No emotion just a cold angry look on his face.
We got in the car and Logan didn’t say a word. I let him be so he could work it out and Susan did the same. I thought that he would eventually say something and we could react off of that.
We got to the hotel and into our hotel room where Logan immediately hugged me and began crying uncontrollably.
I held him tight, rubbing his back “It’s ok baby.”
“No it’s not, she hates me. My own mum hates me.” He cried into my neck.
“Don’t you dare say that!” Nate raised his voice. He was bright red and had tears in his eyes. Nate was angry and emotional but he wasn’t yelling at Logan, he was yelling at the situation. “Mum loves you, she’s always loved you and that’s never gonna change. You got that? She just doesn’t understand and it’s shit, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you!” He wiped his eyes and started for the door.
“We’ll be back a little later. We’re gonna get a room in the hotel tonight and stay with you guys tonight but first we’re gonna go home quick. Will you be ok for a bit?” Susan sniffled a little but was probably the most composed of the three.
Logan nodded into my neck and I relayed the message and they left.
“Come on baby. Let’s lay down.” I said guiding him into bed. We laid down and he began to tell me what happened.
It was difficult to make out exactly what happened because of his muffled words as he cried. I concluded that his dad defended him and supports him while his mom basically disowned him.
“Fuck” he cried out “Why do I have to love a man?” He pounded his fist on my chest as he cried.
Tears filled my eyes as I knew he was hurting and I didn’t know what to do and now this was making him hate that he loved me and I couldn’t help but feel hurt. “I’m sorry baby.”
“I hate this” he continued pounding my chest, “I never wanted to love a man.”
My heart was breaking. My chest hurt as if he was jabbing a knife through my chest with his pounds. Physically the pounding didn’t bother me, mentally and emotionally his words hurt worse than anything I’d ever felt. I understood that he didn’t want to be gay. I went through that when I was younger and no one wants to be so different, but I loved him and he loved me and now he was saying he hates that he loves a man and that he never wanted to. He doesn’t want to love me and never wanted to love me.
As my heart was breaking over the way I felt, my heart was breaking a hundred times worse for his pain and suffering over his own mother disowning him because he loves me.
“I’m sorry baby. I don’t know what else to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything.” He pounded one last time and then grabbed a handful of my shirt and clutched it tight. “I love you Zac. I never wanted to love a man. I hated being gay all my life, but I love you”
“I’m sorry”
“NO!” he cried, “I want to love you. There’s no one else I want to love.”
The pressure on my heart relaxed but I still didn’t know how to comfort him. I just held him and let him talk about his pain over his mother’s feelings.
“Good, you’re back” Their mom said as Susan and Nate walked in the door.
“We’re not here for long.” Nate grunted back.
“What are you talking about?”
“We’re staying at Logan and Zac’s hotel. We’re just here to pack our things.”
They came down after they had packed up their luggage. It didn’t take long as they had only brought a couple weeks worth of luggage to begin with when they came home from university.
Nate loaded Susan’s things in his car and they were just about to leave the house when Nate couldn’t resist, “How could you do this mum?”
“I beg your pardon?”
Susan joined, “He’s your son, he just wants you to support him.”
“That’s not my son, this is my son,” she said gesturing to Nate.
“How dare you mum? There’s nothing wrong with Logan. He’s my brutha and your son an if you don’t see him that way then I’m not your son either.” Nate shouted.
“It’s unnatural!” She barked back. “God didn’t make him that way. Jesus said so and we cannot accept that choice.”
“Fuck your God!” Susan grabbed Nate to calm him down. “No, let go of me.” He shrugged her off as she faded to the background and watched things play out as her father was doing in the doorway as well.
“If Jesus is the kind of man you say then fuck the sodding prick! I want nothing to do with him. If you and your God can’t accept my brotha for loving a man then forget both of ya. He’s got every right to love and it doesn’t matter who it is. Da can see that, why can’t you? Da hasn’t been diluted by that sodding book or those self-righteous pricks in the church.
They know nothing about Logan and I’d expect that shit from them but not you. You should no better” He started toward the door before turning back at his stunned mother, “Logan is my brutha and your son. He’s a good man and I’m damn proud of him. I hope you open your bloody eyes mum. Your son is in love with a man and there’s not a damn thing wrong with that. Zac is a good man and I’ll be proud to call him my brutha one day.” He scoffed at her and slammed the door behind them as he and Susan went to the car and drove to the hotel with their things.
“Where did that come from?” Susan asked as they drove away.
“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Nate said angrily with tears streaming down his face.
“Logan’s lucky to have you as his brutha. I don’t know if that was the best thing to say to mum, but I’m proud of you for sticking up for him.”
“Alright then, we’re going to bed,” Susan announced. “Take care of him and we’ll see you both in the morning.” The door shut behind them.
They had both been really helpful in calming Logan down. It was now just after midnight and since we were alone, I got undressed and ready for bed.
“You ok baby?” I asked as Logan lay in bed not having moved.
“Yeah, I’m just so confused and tired.” His eyes were wet and his face showed that he had been crying for hours. He had finally stopped before his brother and sister left, but he was still upset. I couldn’t blame him.
“It’s ok baby. It’s hard but you have so much family and friends that support and love you. Your mom loves you, but she just doesn’t understand how to accept this right now.” I tried to rehash what we had been discussing all night without upsetting him again.
“I know. I’m just amazed how I can feel the best in my life and the worst in my life in one night.” Logan took a deep breath and put his hands on his face trying to wipe the evidence of tears away.
I walked back to the bed and pulled off his shoes and socks before moving up to unbutton his pants. “Let’s just go to bed and hopefully we’ll all feel better in the morning.” I got him undressed and laid down with him.
“I can’t believe my brutha told her off like that.” He said looking up at the ceiling while I held him.
I was on my side with our legs tangled, my arm resting across his stomach and chest and my head cradled in between his bicep and pec muscle. “He loves you.”
He just lay there staring.
“You need to go to sleep Logan. You can’t just stay up all night like this.” I told him rubbing his chest.
He rolled me onto my back and rolled on top of me. He lay on top of me with his arms under by back and up my shoulder blades propping himself up with his elbows. He hovered over me and looked my straight in the eyes. “I didn’t mean it.”
“What?”
“I said I never wanted to love a man. I told you I hated that I have to love a man. I didn’t mean it.”
“I know. You told me.”
“But I don’t want you to think I don’t love you or I don’t want to love you because I don’t want anything more than to love you and be with you.” He said stroking my hair. He dropped his head down and kissed me and smiled, his first smile since going to see his mom.
“I don’t want anything else either. I love you.” I pulled him in for another kiss.
He shifted his weight to the bed at my side though he was still on top of me and rested his face in the side of my neck and shut his eyes.
It was the most amazing, traumatic, loving, tearful, happy, depressing trip possible. We returned home and went back to our lives. Logan had a hard time with his mom’s reaction, but honestly took it pretty well. He got back to normal pretty quick after returning to the States.
Classes started and all was well again. It was mine and Randy’s senior year and Logan would be finishing grad school this year.
October rolled around and I was eating lunch after classes on campus. I didn’t normally eat on campus, but felt like a change of pace. It looked like a terrible decision when I looked up to Shawn pushing up to my table.
“Hi Zac”
“Hey Shawn”
“Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“I don’t really think there’s anything to say, but by all means.” I said unenthusiastically while gesturing to the other side of the table.
“I know you’re mad and you have every right to be.”
“It’s been a year. I don’t care. I just don’t want to be around you.”
“Well, I wanted to apologize. I made a mistake and I’ll never forgive myself for it.”
“Good.”
“I still love you. I never stopped, and I wanted to beg you to take me back all of last year.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Would you have taken me back?”
“No, is that why you didn’t try?”
“No, I didn’t want to do that to you. I knew I blew it and that we could never get back to normal.”
“No, we couldn’t.” I thought he seemed a little too composed and though it sounded like he was being sweet, I didn’t believe it. “So how long were you with him?”
He sighed, “three months.”
“So must not have missed me too much.” I got all the closure I ever needed. All that time spent in tears and wanting Shawn was gone. He not only cheated on me, but rather than ending it immediately and trying to fix it, he stayed with him. “You can’t have it both ways Shawn. You can’t say that you truly felt bad and wanted me back all while staying with him.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry.”
“So why didn’t it work out?”
His head was down staring at the table. “He left me because he was worried I would cheat on him too.”
Ah, beautiful irony.
Nothing else needed to be said about it so Shawn moved on, “Are you seeing anyone?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, how long have you been seeing each other?”
“Almost 9 months.”
“Wow, you uh found someone quick.”
“Not as quick as you.” That seemed cold even for me. I tried to settle the conversation and move on, “Listen, I’m over what happened with us. I hated you for a long time and I was pretty self destructive, but I got back up and met an amazing man. I loved you and you broke my heart and for that I can’t have a relationship with you. If you need forgiveness for what you did then you’ll never get it, but I don’t care anymore. I don’t get upset over you. I’ve moved on and you should to. I just can’t be around you because of what you did.”
“Alright. I’m sorry. I hope you are happy and that is works out with this guy.”
“Thanks.”
“So how did that go?”
“It was a pretty dry conversation. He seemed sorry and ashamed but at the same time didn’t really say much so maybe he wasn’t sure if he really wanted to say anything at all. I might’ve been a little mean to make him feel worse about it, but whatever.”
Logan pulled me into him as we lay out on his couch. “You didn’t hit him, did you?” he asked into my ear.
“No” I laughed and he hugged me tight.
“So do you have homework you need to work on?”
“No, just one class tomorrow at noon. Why?”
“Well, I don’t have class tomorrow. Will you stay here tonight?”
“Of course I will you sodding idiot.” I laughed and kissed him.
‘Sodding idiot’ had become one of my pet names for Logan after going to England with him. He likes it but said I can’t get away with it being a pet name when we go to England again. I agreed to use his other pet name in that case and got excited that he expects us to go again. So in the States I can call him ‘sodding idiot’ and in Europe I’ll call him ‘Logo’ which is just a cheesy thing that came to mind tweaking his name just a little.
Spring came and everything was great with Logan. Randy was seeing someone new but I won’t bother mentioning her name because she’s not a long-term type for him, but he seems to be enjoying himself for the time being. I gave it about a month before he’d realize she wasn’t for him and moved on.
Logan and I were moving along in our relationship still living separate. We figured it’s better to see each other and keep things going great rather than rush into moving in. Not that it was a mistake with Shawn because moving in isn’t what screwed our relationship; Shawn screwed our relationship by screwing someone else.
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