I don’t why I lied, Dear Diary, I guess I was afraid that if he knew my favorite fantasy was of being a totally submissive gay bottom. Of being bound and humiliated by a man. Brutally raped both orally and anally after being whipped into sobbing submission. To have my cock and balls viciously abused and tortured by my heavily hung captor while being made to swallow his cock. I’ve never told that to anyone.
I had tried to get my ex to play my way. Instead, she enjoyed the sub role and had no heart for abusing me in return. Odd, being in a position of absolute power over her just made me crave my own servitude more. Not that I didn’t enjoy hurting her, I just wanted someone to do me. Yeah, I lied all right. How do you tell anyone that fantasy without risking rejection? It is enough to try to tell someone close that I want to suck another man’s dick. Any man. Just as long as it is a cock and will cum for my tummy. Let alone, that I want this anonymous man to grab me roughly by my ears, forcing his manhood past my gag reflex. Repeatedly stabbing my throat until he mashes my head against his pelvis and pumps his joy juice straight down my eager throat while I swallow his cock for all I am worth.
Anyway, it wasn’t a total lie. Wendy had always looked at me yearnfully. I swear, as early as 12, she would look at me like she wanted to pull my pants down and take my penis in her pretty little mouth. When she was 15, I no longer could convince myself I was imagining this beautiful, petite blonde lusted for me. There was nothing to imagine. When no one was looking, she made clear gestures, like deep throating a banana or rolling a grape seductively across her teeth with her tongue. No, I wasn’t lying, I just told Ricky about a “minor” (pardon the pun, dear diary) fantasy. I don’t want this new friend thinking I am a faggot. Let alone a submissive one.
“Since you haven’t been with a women in over 5 years, you must be horny as hell! You’re practically a virgin again. I’ll bet you could really use a blowjob right now.”
“You know, I don’t know if I’d even have a reaction to a blowjob. My ex and I separated for a year, before a tragic reconciliation attempt. Mid 90’s. I dated because I had joined Al-Anon and found women quite willing to pick up a handsome non-drinker for the attention I could offer. I had sex numerous times with 4 different women. Most were pleasing to the eye. I never actually enjoyed the sex that much. I had to really concentrate to cum.”
“You mean if you could get a blowjob from a willing partner, right here, right now, you wouldn’t stay hard enough to cum without having to talk yourself into cumming?” he queried.
“This is a bit weird. I guess I am just really wasted. For a moment, it seemed as though you were offering to test that theory out”, I replied.
“Actually, I AM offering. There is no one here but you and I. I haven’t told you yet, but I am gay. I like you as a friend. I feel as though I’ve known you for a long time. I am not being a slut. I want to make you feel good. Five years is a long time to be sporting blue balls! Just relax. Lean back. Close you’re eyes. Think of that little blonde slut. I’ll remove your clothes and show you a real good time. You do NOT have to reciprocate. Please, let me do this for you.
Whew! In light of what I just told you, Dear Diary, and how fucked up I was on top of it, I leaned back and lifted my ass off the cushion to help him remove my pants. I watched him. The look in his eyes as he freed my cock. It was as if he were meeting an old lover for the first time, after years of separation. I involuntarily raised my hips to meet his mouth. My cock was as eager to explore his mouth as his tongue was my cock. He looked up into my eyes as licked my dick slowly from base to tip along the big vein. I could see the relief in his eyes as he watched me enjoy the sight of him taking my manhood lovingly into his mouth. His eyes crossed as they closed in dreamy delight.
He just as slowly took my now fully erect penis completely in his mouth and nestled his nose in my pubic hair. He reached out of his mouth with his tongue licked my sac as he slowly twisted his mouth from side to side. Still with his tongue exploring my manhood outside of his mouth, Ricky added an in/out motion to his twisting motion. Popping it in and out of his tonsils along the way. Oh man! This guy really knew how to make a cock feel good. It was the most unbelievable blowjob I have ever had.
Women always pull the foreskin too hard, like it was rubber and would stretch forever. Rub their teeth on it as though it was a dental instrument. Only take just the head of it in their mouths. FUCK! No woman ever gave me a blowjob like that! Not even close!
I came in a very short time. I now knew for sure, I had entrusted the wrong gender with the care of my manhood all these years. What a brutal realization! I know. With my fantasies, I should have known, but I kept telling myself it was just a fantasy, not a true desire. I had convinced myself the reason I fantasized about men was because I was touching a penis while fantasizing, not that I actually desired one. Now I know. I am gay. A homo, a queer, a faggot, a sissy, a pillow biter, stem jockey, cum catcher.
That’s why I am keeping this diary. I came from family and friends that at best look down on gays and at worst are convinced gays are the a plague on mankind. That God himself is using the gays to spread the disease of the immoral, AIDS, among the immoral, impure, damned. Gays are the instrument for both the cause and cure of the plight of the immoral. I can’t help but wonder, Dear Diary, what were the excuses for hating gays before AIDS?
Anyway, Ricky has called several times since the night I let him blow me. He knows I am having a crisis of identity. I denied being a faggot all my life. Here, I find out I not only enjoyed the oral treat Ricky offered me, but want to return the favor. I suddenly crave, no, NEED a cock in my mouth. I want to taste Ricky’s cum. I want him to fuck me, face up and pull out of my fuckhole just in time to spray my gonads in his delicious elixir of life. I also am guilt ridden about how my desires would be accepted the other people in my life. I share all this with him. That is when he said I should keep this diary. It gives me someone to talk to. Unconditionally.
Mon 10/18/04
I had the phone in my hand, one last button to push to tell Ricky I needed his dick. NOW! Then the revulsion would rush over me. Why does our society need to be so limited in its community sexuality. Asimov and Clarke both seem to believe that society will be more open to bi-sexuality as a lifestyle in the not terribly distant future. Yet our present day society, while fairly open-minded to lesbian relationships, still abhors it when 2 men enjoy each other’s company so much as to wish to take it to proverbial “next level” and enjoy pleasuring each other physically.
The bottom line is, I can’t even think about actually sucking Ricky’s cock without hyperventilating and vomiting. FUCK! I HATE myself! Why can’t I be straight like every other man in my life?