A gay story: One More Year Ch. 16 Ellie stumbled out her house, pulling one of the straps of her handbag back up her shoulder as she forced the front door closed. She brushed at her messy hair as she dashed down the pathway and got into the passenger seat, panting slightly.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” She put her hand to her forehead. “I completely forgot we were doing this.”
“It’s fine.” I grinned. “This was your idea, anyway. I was happy to just find out my grades when we go back.”
“Ugh, no. Mrs. A can get them to us early, so if I can see them now, and make sure I did as well as I wanted, I can try to relax for the rest of the holiday.” She started pulling things out of her bag. “Maybe.”
I shrugged. “Good point.”
I started up the car to set off for school, and she skilfully applied makeup along the way. She was oddly silent for most of the drive, even after she was done getting ready, but I chalked it up to the fact that she’d been rushed this morning and was possibly still waking up. It wasn’t until we got stuck in traffic that I started to worry that maybe it was something else.
“I think there’s been a crash in the intersection.” I craned my neck. “I think I can see flashing lights.”
“Oh no!” She sounded genuinely upset.
I frowned. “Relax. The limit’s low here, so I don’t think anyone could get really hurt.”
“No, it’s not that, it’s-” She sighed. “Ugh. Never mind.”
“Are you okay?” I turned to face her.
“I’m fine.” She avoided my gaze.
“Is it something with Gary?”
“No, things are fine with Gary. We’re taking it slow, and we’re both just focusing on prelims.” She shifted uncomfortably, but smiled slightly. “His will end tomorrow, so we’ll see each other after. It’s not that.”
“Then what is it?” I tried to keep my voice steady. I’d been so paranoid during prelims that she was mad at me. The way she was acting had reminded me to worry about it again. “You’ve been avoiding me since the holidays started, and I basically last saw you before prelims. We’re still friends, right?”
“Yes! Of course. It’s not that. It’s…” She took a deep breath. “I know about you and Jamie.”
My head snapped up. She darted a glance at me, and looked away again.
I leaned back in my seat and groaned. “Ellie, I’m so sorry. I really wanted to tell you, but-”
“What?” Her head jerked back, and she stared at me.
“I just thought Jamie might not want you to know, and I-”
“Jay.” She put her hand on my arm. “Jamie told me. I thought you’d be mad that I was prying again. I’m the one who should be sorry. And I am. Really sorry.”
Relief flooded through me, and I let out a short burst of laughter. “Don’t be. I kind of thought you hated me.”
“Never.” She grinned.
“Besides, I only didn’t tell you because I wanted to respect Jamie’s privacy. If I was mad at anyone, it’d be him, right?”
“Well.” She grimaced. “Maybe?”
“What does that mean?”
She sighed. “Okay, so I think about two weeks ago – around Saturday – I looked out my window and saw his car pull up to your house, and you letting him in at the gate.”
“Oh god.”
“Yeah.” She bit her lip. “So I went outside to wait by it, and ask him what he was doing at your house so late when he got back.”
“You sat around his car, in the early hours of the morning, for-”
“It wasn’t a great plan. I thought he’d dipped in to get some emergency physics notes from you or something… I didn’t know he’d be in there for so long, and I had this great big dramatic prank in mind. It was going to scare the crap out of him and everything.”
“What did you…” I shook my head. “What happened?”
“So, it kind of worked – I jumped out and said ‘Boo’ and he screamed. That was kind of funny. But then I… Oh god, I almost don’t want to say.”
“What?”
She scrunched up her face. “I made some joke… about how it was rude of you two to have sex without me, because I didn’t think… you know… Jamie, of all people, would-”
“Oh god.” Poor Jamie. That was probably not a great thing to have been confronted with, in the middle of how he was reacting that night.
She cringed. “Yup. And that’s when he proceeded to have a breakdown, and told me everything.”
“Does he think I told you?”
“No, I made it pretty clear that I was just joking, and that he’d accidentally over-shared.” She sighed deeply and dipped her head. “But god, I felt bad. I think he needed someone to talk to about it anyway, but that was definitely not the right way to start.”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “He’s been avoiding me since that.”
“I think he’s embarrassed.” She relaxed back into her seat. “He won’t talk much about how he’s feeling about all of it. But he did tell me that he felt like an idiot, after… you know.”
“I do.”
“And he’s been dashing out of prelims so he doesn’t have to talk to you afterwards – not that he’d tell me that.”
“I noticed.” We’d edged our way through the traffic, and had crossed the intersection. Someone’s window was shattered all over the middle of the intersection, but it looked like the cars involved had now been dragged off to the side. I didn’t see anyone being attended to by paramedics, though. Just two very pissed off people glaring at each other. The school was right past that, so once we’d gotten through the drive was basically over.
“Can I tell him you know that I know now?” she asked as she got out of the car.
“Um…” It took me a second to process that. I shut my door and waited for her to walk around. “Yes. I think so. If you don’t think it’ll freak him out.”
“Okay, I think he’s here, so I’m going to go find him and catch up with you later.” She ran off, and I made my way to the bulletin board outside of Mrs. A’s class. Louis, Angela and Sue were already there.
“I don’t know why she didn’t just post this online.” Sue said irritably as I walked up to the three of them.
“It’s not the final list, so she can’t. Mrs. A’s just doing us a favour, because she’s on the committee. You’re lucky you’re getting it this early.” Angela smiled patiently.
Sue stomped her foot, and continued pacing. Louis laughed, and turned to face me. “Hey Jay.”
“Hey. Did I miss anything?”
“Just Sue somehow still finding a way to complain about being the only students in the district who get to have an early sneak-peek at their grades.”
“Fine!” Sue threw up her hands. “I’m glad I had to come to school in the middle of my holidays. Yay, paper!”
We all laughed, and Mrs. A approached the announcement board to pin up the sheet. She’d always been one of my favourite teachers – dry and sarcastic, with dark hair and big glasses that made her look like a grumpy librarian. She didn’t look at the four of us as she marched over to the cork board and started pinning up the pages.
Other people were around, but Sue had demanded that the four of us stand right next to the notice board, so as Mrs. A walked back our way and then passed us, she smiled wryly. “Have at it, piranhas.”
Sue launched immediately at the board, studied it for a second, and bounced away joyfully.
“I’m number seven. I’ve gone up one!” She was ecstatic, and we all congratulated her.
Louis and Angela went next, calmly standing alongside each other as they studied it. They looked at each other for a second, and then came back to us.
“I’m still number three.” Angela sounded zen and satisfied.
“I’ve also gone up one. I’m number five.” he said to me happily, “Jay, you really need to go look.”
“Okay.” I walked over and ran my finger hand down the list.
Mrs. A usually showed us these lists at the start of every year, too. Maybe she was trying to get us to be competitive. She’d cross out the names of students that weren’t from our school, but we could see where we ranked in the district, and what our average grades were. I didn’t expect that prelims had brought down my grades, even though they were supposed to be more difficult, because I’d put a lot more work in than usual. My hand went to the spot I was used to, somewhere around the mid-teens.
“You might want to look a bit higher than usual.” Angela said from behind my shoulder.
She was right – I wasn’t there any more. My finger moved up the list, until I got to a number that made me blink and look again, not quite believing it.
“Number six?” I turned around. Angela and Louis were beaming.
“WHAT?” Sue stormed to the board. I backed away slowly to where Angela and Louis were standing. Angela shot Sue a worried look.
“I wonder if that’s right.” Sue paced back towards us, her eyes wide with shock. “I’m not number two in the school any more.”
“You’re still in the Top Three.” Angela used a soothing tone. Sue just nodded. I guess both of them weren’t counting Louis yet – since he was still technically enrolled at North Grove. He’d probably always ranked above her in the district list, anyway.
She wandered back over to the list, and ran her hand down it again. She paused, a fair distance down the page. Then she spun around and strode back to us, smiling.
“Guys. Caitlyn is going to DIE over this. She’s number 24!” Sue had clearly found her silver lining. “Well done, Jay. I hate you a little, but well done.”
“Thanks.” I laughed. My mind was still kind of reeling.
Breaking the top ten in the district was awesome. Beating Sue was hilarious, too – now that I knew she wasn’t going to murder me for it. And my mom was going to freak out. In a good way. My best ranking before had been twelve, but that had seemed like a weird anomaly. Louis just smiled at me, and gently bumped into me from the side. I laughed again.
“Well we should definitely go celebrate now.” Angela gave Sue a pointed look. “No bars. It’s still morning.”
“I know. I’m not an alcoholic.” Sue scoffed. “We can go get breakfast or something.”
“Should we invite Ellie?” Louis asked.
“Would that be okay?” I turned towards Angela and Sue. “I’m supposed to be her ride home, so it would be weird to drop her off and then head off to something without her.”
“Ellie should definitely come,” Angela said. Sue just nodded.
I could see Ellie and Jamie approaching the notice board. They were both pretty solid students – they were both surviving AP maths, after all – but Jamie had never exactly acted like he cared too much about school. Although I went out of my way to pretend I didn’t either, so maybe he did the same. Both he and Ellie had probably both done all right, though.
“Don’t invite Jamie.” Sue hissed. “Or there’s too many of us for the car.”
Jamie was likely to try and avoid me again, anyway, so it’d be easy to catch Ellie alone. They walked up to the list, and Ellie said something to Jamie and smiled. Jamie looked back at the list, laughed, and pointed to it. Whatever he’d said caused her to shut her eyes and let out an annoyed groan.
I’d been expecting Jamie to run off if Ellie came over, but instead, they both walked towards us. His gaze didn’t avoid mine, and he didn’t break away. It looked like his old confidence was back. I tried not to take on the burden of being the awkward one again, but I wasn’t entirely sure how successful I’d be at that.
“Hey guys. I see the Top Four did quite well.” Ellie spread her arms. “Congratulations to all.”
“Jay cracked the top ten.” Louis sounded so proud. I almost blushed.
“I know!” Ellie smiled. “Finally got his act together.”
“Did you do okay?” I asked her.
“Yeah, I’m number forty-three. But my average is exactly what I was aiming for, so hopefully it doesn’t change for finals. I’m still not feeling optimistic enough to hope I’ll have a better time with that.”
“How did you do, Jamie?” Sue asked.
“Number sixty-nine.” He turned to me and winked. “Nice, right?”
Ellie rolled her eyes, and I would have blushed, but I was still a bit too shocked he was talking to me. Whatever had been bugging him must have been over. Maybe he’d felt guilty about telling Ellie about me too. I doubted we’d talk about it.
“Whatever,” I said gruffly and laughed.
“Anyway, I should get going. I’ve got a study group in Mr. M’s class. See you guys.” He winked in Sue and Angela’s direction. “Ladies.”
“Sixty-nine? What did that mean?” Sue frowned at Jamie’s retreating back.
“Mutual Oral Stimulation.” Angela said calmly. Ellie and I laughed, and Louis went bright red.
“What?” Sue said.
“Oral sex. Both people doing it at the same time.” Angela kept her face neutral, but the corners of her mouth twitched upwards.
“Gross!” Sue shot Jamie a dirty look. “Why is he so weird?”
“I have my theories.” Ellie chuckled. “What are you four up to, today?”
“We’re going to get food.” I said. “We were actually going to invite you.”
“Oh, yes please. That would be lovely. I just need to go to the bathroom first, if you don’t mind.”
“I should go too.” Angela said.
“Me too.” Sue hated being left out of things.
I shrugged. “Okay, meet us at my car then.”
Louis and I walked back to the parking lot and got into my car. I sighed happily. Ellie and I were friends again, and Jamie was back to his usual overconfident self. It was still an odd situation – her knowing kind of made it feel more real, somehow. But it didn’t seem that hard to navigate any more. I looked over at Louis, who was frowning.
“So… this guy who you… had sex with, and then he freaked out about it and stopped talking to you…” His tone was tense. “Was it Jamie?”
“Oh god. Did we say something weird? Was it that sixty-nine comment?”
“No, no.” Louis laughed. “Nothing like that. You were just giving him a weird look when they walked up, and then when he said that thing you didn’t react like I thought you were going to.” He grimaced. “Sorry, I know you didn’t want to tell me exactly who.”
“Oh, no. It’s fine.” I shrugged. “I never technically told you it was him. You guessed, so that’s okay, right?”
“Right.”
“And you only were able to guess because he wanted to come over and mess with me in the first place. So fuck it. His fault anyway.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really. Nothing’s really that different, right?”
He tilted his head to the side. “I thought because it was Jamie, maybe it was more than you’d been letting on or something.”
“What do you mean?”
He turned away and shrugged. “Uh… I guess I just… because you guys hang out so much, I thought that you maybe weren’t being entirely honest about not wanting to date him.”
“Oh. No, not at all.” I frowned. “He’s fun, and we get along. But it’s not like we ever really talk about stuff, or have anything in common. I guess he’s kind of my friend, but I don’t think we’re close. Not like you and I are.”
“Oh,” He said softly.
The way he’d said it made me worry I’d been a bit too sentimental. “Oh, sorry. We are close, right? Was that-”
“No, we’re close. It’s fine.” He smiled broadly. “It’s just nice hearing it.”
“Yeah.” I let out a small sigh of relief, feeling like I’d been a bit too awkward.
He cleared his throat. “So you and Jamie – not going to happen?”
“No. I’m going to stop doing stuff with him in general. It’s too exhausting.” I sighed, feeling annoyed with myself. “I’d really like to stop getting into stuff with guys who freak out and run away from me.”
“The heart wants what it wants.”
“It’s not my heart that’s the problem,” I said darkly.
He just laughed.
I stared out the window and frowned. “I wish I could make some better decisions, really.”
“You’ll figure it out.”
“You always say that.” I laughed bitterly. “And I’ve yet to figure anything out. But thanks.”
He looked at me sympathetically, but didn’t respond. We were interrupted by the arrival of the girls, who got into the back seat, clearly in the midst of a very serious conversation that was becoming quite common in our year now. I started the car.
“So you’re not even considering Oakvale?” Ellie asked Angela.
“I’ve applied for their biology program, but it’s fairly low on my list. Most other universities have a better one. And that’s if I don’t decide I’d rather pursue something in fine arts, and Oakvale doesn’t even have a program for that.”
“Sure. I’m pretty sure I’ll end up going there, but I have applied to a few backups, anyway.” Ellie turned to me. “You’re going to Oakvale, right Jay?”
“Yep. My brother’s going to be doing his PhD there next year, and teaching, so there’s a fee reduction for staff’s family members.”
“If you’re still in the top ten after finals, you wouldn’t need to worry about that.” Louis said.
“Right.” That hadn’t even occurred to me yet. I could probably go wherever I wanted, if the fees didn’t end up being an issue. “Still, I think it would be Oakvale anyway. I just love it too much.”
“Are you going to live with Brian?” Ellie asked.
“No. Not for the first year, anyway. He wants to spend at least one year in a dorm, otherwise he thinks I won’t have any friends.”
“You do spend more time at home than anyone I know, so he’s not wrong.” Ellie said.
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Thanks.”
“It’ll be fine, either way. You’ll have me.” She lifted her hands up to frame her face.
I laughed. “Louis, where are you going next year?”
“Oh, I’ve applied everywhere. I know I want to do a degree in physics, so I’m just sending out applications to anywhere with a half decent program. I’ve applied at Oakvale, too.”
“Am I the only one that’s seriously considering UCT?” Angela asked.
“It’s too close to my parents.” Ellie pursed her lips.
“Same here.” I nodded. “If I went there I’d probably have to commute in. Oakvale gets me out of the house and far enough away that I can have a life, but close enough to come back when I absolutely have to.”
“To do laundry, if nothing else.” Ellie laughed.
“I’m still considering UCT.” Louis turned in his seat to look back at Angela. “The physics program is definitely better. Are you going on that science department tour next week?”
“I can’t, my parents are busy that day.”
“My mom’s taking me through – we could pick you up if you want?”
“That would be excellent, thank you.” Angela gave Louis a grateful look. “I’m still having so much trouble deciding, and I really thought I’d regret not being able to go.”
“No problem. I’ll message you later to figure out the details.” Louis smiled. “What are your plans, Sue?”
“Oh, I’m going to the Royal Academy of Music, in London.” She shrugged. “Or the Royal College of Music, if that doesn’t work out. I’ve applied to both. I’ve been practising for my auditions all year.”
“I helped her write her introduction for her audition video.”
“So stupid.” Sue shook her head. “I don’t know why they need to hear me talking.”
“It went well, as you can imagine.” Angela laughed, and Sue grinned.
The two of them had definitely gotten closer this year. I supposed I’d gotten closer to them too. It was odd. It obviously felt nice to be able to start considering them friends. But I couldn’t help but regret the fact that I’d known them both for so long, and we were only really bonding in our final year.
I’d spent so much of high school with no one I’d really been able to enjoy hanging out with, and only once we were almost done with school, I’d suddenly started making friends with people who’d always been there. We’d always worked together, but kept our personal lives apart – it now seemed sad that we only had a few more months to hang out as friends.
Ellie directed me, and we ended up in a fairly suburban area. The place she took us into was a glass conservatory that had been converted into a little Italian bakery. We got to sit indoors, out of the cold winter winds, and bask in the sun that streamed in through the glass walls and roof.
“This place is great.” Louis said to Ellie. “How did you even find out about it?”
“Oh, I was brought here on a date.” She dramatically flung her hand up to cover her eyes. “No, don’t ask me, I’m sworn to secrecy.”
I turned to the rest of the group. “Ellie wants everyone to know she’s being epically romanced.”
“Stop ruining my fun.” Ellie laughed. “But still, I thought it would be a nice place to come for brunch.”
“It’s wonderful.” Angela smiled at the waitress who handed her a menu.
“What’s that?” Sue asked, pointing to a small wooden box on the table.
“I think…” Angela grabbed the box, and slid the lid off. “Yes. It’s a set of Dominoes.”
“We should play.” Louis said.
Ellie shrugged. “I don’t know how.”
“I don’t want to.” Sue said flatly.
“I’ll play with you.” Angela tipped the box over, pouring them out.
I was at the opposite edge of the table, so my willingness to participate was moot. Angela and Louis shuffled the dominoes around the table, and then selected their pieces and began to play.
“Jay, what are you going to study at university?” Sue asked.
“Oh, I have no idea.”
“Have you not applied for anything yet?” She looked shocked.
“I’ve applied.” I shrugged. “At Oakvale. For four different subjects, and I can switch some of them if I want to do things in the same faculty. But I’m really having trouble deciding.”
“Are you going to do computer science, like Brian?” Ellie asked.
“I don’t think he wants me to.” I picked up my own menu, even though I knew I’d probably just be boring and have a fairly simple pizza. “He doesn’t think they’re very good at teaching it, now that he’s on the staff with them. But it would also be weird if my brother ended up being one of my lecturers.”
“What have you applied for?”
“Actuarial Science, Engineering, English Literature, and History.”
“That’s quite a mix,” Ellie said.
“Don’t do English Literature.” Sue waved her hand dismissively. “You don’t need university to talk to people about books. You never stop doing that.”
“You shouldn’t do Actuarial Science,” Louis said. “You’re so paranoid about stuff. Do you really want to know your chances of spontaneously dropping dead on any given day?”
“Now that you mention it, no.” I hadn’t actually thought of that. Ellie laughed at my expression.
“I guess I’m down to History and Engineering.”
“You built that radio last year,” Angela said. “That’s a good sign.”
I shrugged. “Sure, but it was from a kit.”
“Well, I was trying to be nice.” She smiled. “You’re also quite bad at remembering dates.”
“That’s true.” I laughed.
“I think you’d be good at Engineering.” Louis said thoughtfully. “You overthink things a lot. I think I’d appreciate that in someone who had to build a bridge, or program a component on a spaceship.”
“Thanks. I think. I guess we’ve decided, as a committee, that I’d be bad at everything but Engineering. Which I’m apparently just neurotic enough for.” I smirked at Louis.
“Sorry.” He blushed slightly. “I did mean that as a compliment.”
“I win.” Angela set down her last domino.
“Damn.” His head snapped back to the game. “Another round?”
“Sure.” They began to flip pieces.
“What have you applied for, Ellie?” Angela asked.
“Oh, just a few things at the economics faculty. I want to do something business related, but I can spend the first year figuring out what.”
“That sounds boring.” Sue said flatly.
“SUE!” Angela frowned.
“Oh.” Sue cleared her throat, and turned to Ellie. “Sorry.”
“No, it’s fine.” Ellie laughed. “It IS boring. My dad runs a hotel chain, and he’s already preparing my brother and I to take over. I might as well get a degree that gets me ready for that. I mostly just need an excuse to get out of my parents house for a few years.”
“I understand.” Sue said. “I need to get away from my mother. She always tries to change the way I dress, or what makeup I wear, or who I date.”
“Oh my god, mine too!” Ellie sighed dramatically. “I love her, but she’s a bit over-the-top sometimes. I need some freedom.”
Angela and Louis carried on playing dominoes, while Sue and Ellie commiserated over their strict mothers. I sat in silence for a while, feeling completely at peace. Happy, even. I didn’t mind being left out. I just loved how strange it was that all these people fit together, and I couldn’t help but think about how we should have tried hanging out before the last year of school.
By the time we’d finished, paid our bill, and piled into my car, Ellie had already been unanimously voted in as a member of our study group for finals. We’d also all agreed to let her extend the invitation to Sara, since they’d already had an arrangement to work together. I dropped Ellie and Sue off at their homes, and then set off towards Louis and Angela’s neighbourhood, which was a bit further out. They continued to chat happily while I sat there driving, a little lost in my thoughts.
After we’d dropped off Angela, Louis turned down the music. “You’ve been pretty quiet.”
“Yeah, it’s just a little weird to finally hang out with Angela and Sue like this. For years, everything’s just been about schoolwork. But I really like them as people. It feels like we’ve wasted time.”
“It’s nice that you get to be friends now, though.” He shrugged. “Angela and I have gotten pretty close.”
I nodded. “She’s a lot like you.”
“What?” He laughed. “Really? Why?”
“You’re both so mature and stable. It’s like having adults as friends.”
“Thanks.” He smiled. “But that’s just because you think calendars are magic.”
“It’s hubris to predict the future.” I smiled. “That’s why Atlantis was destroyed.”
Louis laughed. We spent the rest of the way back talking about his love of physics and why he’d be studying it. It wasn’t really my thing, but it did seem like there would be a lot of it if I went into engineering, and I’d always done okay in it at school. He’d kind of gotten me thinking about my future, and for once it seemed like it could be pretty cool.
I’d had such a great day, and after dropping him off and getting home, I was in a very good mood. When I saw that I’d received a text from Eric while I was driving, I was so cheerful and chatty that I didn’t even feel awkward about not having talked to him much over the last few weeks, or approached the topic of not getting back together with him. I just answered immediately.
[Hey]
[I need to tell you something]
______________[Sure. GO.]
[I’m really sorry for doing it over text]
[But you guys have all been so busy with prelims]
[I didn’t want to make it seem like a big thing and tell you on the one movie night we’ve had in like two months]
______________[It’s fine.]
______________[Just tell me.]
[I’m seeing someone]
Well. I hadn’t been expecting that.
______________[Oh. Ok.]
[It’s that guy from your school]
[Nick]
[Sorry, I should’ve maybe told you I was meeting up with him]
[But I didn’t know if it would be weird]
______________[No, it’s fine.]
______________[Congratulations.]
[Thanks]
[I think I really like him]
I didn’t open those last two, because I honestly didn’t know how to respond. He’d told me that he wanted nothing more than to get back together, we’d been chatting frequently since well before prelims, and he’d occasionally messaged me for brief chats throughout. I’d made up my mind about whether I wanted him back, and I was fairly sure I didn’t.
I’d been busy gearing up to talk to him about why not, and kind of dreading that conversation. But it had never crossed my mind that he’d just move on. I felt jealous, annoyed, and incredibly guilty for feeling those things. I didn’t own the guy, after all. What did I want, anyway – For him to be single the rest of his life? I messaged Louis.
______________[Hey]
[Hey]
[You okay?]
______________[So you’ve talked to Eric.]
[Yeah, just busy now]
[ARE you okay?]
______________[I don’t know.]
______________[Kind of.]
[Do you know this Nick guy?]
[Eric says he goes to Elohim]
[But I haven’t met him yet]
______________[I don’t know him well, no.]
[Eric wants to bring him to the movie night]
[But he’s worried it’ll be weird for you]
______________[Patronising motherfucker]
[Hahah. Yeah :)]
My annoyance surged, and I messaged Eric before I’d taken time to reason through a good response.
______________[You should bring him to the movie night then]
[Really?]
[I was just a bit worried it might be weird for you or something]
______________[No, it’s fine. I seriously don’t care.]
[Well, okay, then]
[Thanks]
[It does mean I’ll have to tell him about you]
Shit. I hadn’t thought about that part. But there was no backing down now, and all I wanted at that moment was to make sure Eric knew that I did not care. Whether it was true or not was beside the point.
______________[It’s fine.]
______________[You can tell him whenever]
[Okay!]
[Cool]
[See you at movie night then]
I didn’t respond. But Louis messaged me again. He’d clearly been talking to Eric about the movie night.
[Are you sure you know what you’re doing?]
______________[I’m fairly sure I don’t, actually.]
[Right]
[I can try and talk him out of it?]
______________[No, it’s fine.]
______________[I’m in too deep.]
______________[I need to show Eric I don’t care.]
[Don’t you?]
______________[I don’t know.]
______________[Does it matter at this point?]
[Right]
[Well, if you want to tank this whole thing at any point, just let me know, and I’ll help]
______________[Thanks]
[No problem]
I didn’t want to bore him with a rant. He was too goal oriented, and if I made a big deal of it, he’d start thinking of ways to accommodate me so that I didn’t have to see Eric’s new boyfriend. I couldn’t look weak in front of Eric, anyway. But Louis was missing his friends more and more this year, and I couldn’t ruin the movie night for him.
For some reason, I also kind of couldn’t admit to Louis what I was really feeling. It felt petty to be annoyed about this. Like I just wanted Eric to be single for the rest of his life. At best. I guess I’d really hoped that I’d end up with someone else, and be happy, long before he ever got there again. That wasn’t really a noble thought, and I’d hate to tell Louis something that made him think less of me.
Luckily, I had Ellie, who was used to my failings.
______________[So I did something stupid.]
[You’ll have to narrow it down]
______________[New stupid.]
[Oooh. Do tell]
______________[Eric has a new boyfriend.]
[Bastard]
[How dare he???]
[Sorry, that was a reflex. Carry on.]
______________[I told him it would be fine to bring the guy to our movie night.]
______________[Even though that means he’ll tell the guy we used to date, and that I’m gay.]
[Right]
[Well, I mean, isn’t the problem more how you feel about it?]
______________[I have no feelings.]
[SURE. Ok. :|]
[I don’t think it matters that some random guy will know you’re gay though.]
______________[It’s Nick.]
[Nick from school???]
[Seriously?]
______________[Yup!]
[Well well well]
[How INTERESTING]
[I already don’t like him]
______________[We should give him a chance, at least.]
[Stop being so mature]
[It does NOT suit you]
[But honestly, I already don’t like him]
[He’s been bitchy to me in Art]
______________[Oh, well that’s different then.]
______________[Rat bastard!]
[That’s the spirit!]
Ellie kept talking to me for a while, probably enabling my worst impulses, but it made me feel slightly better. It didn’t stop me from bouncing around my room for the rest of the night, doing various things and trying to distract myself from thinking about it. I didn’t know what time I finally got tired enough to go to bed, but it was still too early, and I struggled to fall asleep.
***
By the time Sunday rolled around, I was managing my feelings about the situation a bit better. Sitting in the food court with Louis, Melissa, Sara, John and Ellie, I was barely dreading Eric’s arrival at all. I’d been done up to the best of Ellie’s ability, with the aim of making me look both perfect and completely casual at the same time. The look had given me a lot of confidence, and I thought I was ready to face Eric and his new boyfriend. But it wasn’t really helping with Melissa’s glare.
“I hope you two donate your brains to science when you die.” Melissa’s angry eyes flicked from me to Louis.
“Why?” Louis asked.
“So they can figure out what the hell is wrong with you.” She slapped the table.
Louis turned to me and grinned. “Is she being homophobic?”
“No, Melissa loves gay guys so much she’s going to want to marry one.” I chuckled.
John laughed. “Louis, probably.”
“I’m mad at Louis.” She pouted, but it shifted into a smile. “Although I can’t resist his dimples, so I’ll probably take him back.”
“Oh, stop it, you.” He laughed.
“If I was going to be homophobic, I would say something like ‘Wow, Homos are invading our friend group, one fucked up relationship with Eric at a time.'”
“Why WOULD you say that?” John groaned.
Melissa turned to me. “No offence, Jay.”
I frowned. “Yeah, that seemed sensitive and appropriate.”
“Sorry.” She put her hand on mine and gave it a quick squeeze. “You two are just being frustrating. I refuse to like this boy. I can’t watch another Eric spiral.”
“Nick’s okay.” Sara shrugged.
“Oh yeah?” Melissa spun around on her chair to face that end of the table. “Ellie?”
“I shall do my best to be nice to Nick,” Ellie chanted mechanically, nodding her head slightly with each word.
Sara laughed. “They don’t get along.”
“God help us.” Melissa tugged on a strand of her hair. “Do we even know anything about him?”
“He’s pretty talented. He’s an artist and a set designer,” I said.
“Ugh, how pretentious.” She scoffed.
“Having talent is pretentious?” Louis asked.
“No. I don’t know.” Melissa shook her head. “I’m just not going to like him.”
“They’re here.” John dragged out the last word ominously.
From the other side of the food court, we saw Vince, Eric and Nick approach. Eric’s arm was around Nick, which didn’t make me feel amazing, but it wasn’t as jarring as I thought it would be. There was a weird tension there I couldn’t quite place. Maybe because Vince was standing a bit further apart from the two of them than seemed natural. Before I could figure it out, they were too close, and I’d had to plaster a fake smile on my face. I was trying hard not to stare directly at Nick.
“Hey guys.” Eric shifted nervously. “This is Nick. Nick, this is everyone.”
Nick waved enthusiastically. “Hey Eric’s Squad!”
I just about managed to stop myself from visibly wincing at that, and I did my best to greet him casually and pleasantly – even though he called me ‘Jason’. Sarah gave him a familiar hug. Ellie and Louis were both polite and seemed sincere. Melissa and John were making no such effort.
“You guys are such a cute bunch of hipsters and nerds!” Nick beamed at everyone. Melissa didn’t even bother hiding her eye-roll.
I don’t think I’d ever heard Nick say more than about five words around me throughout the entirety of high school, and after a few minutes of listening to him talk, I was immensely grateful for that. I kept asking myself if I was maybe being a cliched jealous ex, but everyone’s expressions reassured me that I wasn’t entirely on my own.
John’s frown and Melissa’s open look of disgust were not exactly reliable indicators, but I noticed the way Ellie would sometimes turn her head to the side, as if to compose herself. Watching Louis, I also noticed that jaw grew increasingly tight throughout the conversation – which was about as clear a sign of annoyance as he was capable of.
Nick sounded a lot like his friend Tiffany – all the same slang and bravado. Which I supposed made sense, since they had spent a lot of time together. But I’d always found her very grating, and a bit cartoonish, so it wasn’t exactly working in his favour. Other than Eric, only Sara really seemed to be getting along with him well. Vince was sitting at the far end of the group, and had been uncharacteristically reserved and quiet.
Nick had a habit of excessively rolling his eyes at any statement that didn’t meet with his approval, or immediately saying something dismissive if he wasn’t familiar with the topic of conversation. He followed up every anecdote of someone else’s with one of his own, sometimes tangentially related, but sometimes not at all. When asked about his art, he bragged repeatedly about all the theatre productions that he’d been recruited to do set design for.
I wasn’t taking most of it in. I found my mind drifting, only really slipping back into the conversation when someone else was talking. Which wasn’t as often as I might have hoped. Nick was chatty. When it got particularly bad, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. Ellie’s eyes flicked towards me as I got up, and while on the way there, I got a text from her.
[Damn, wish I’d had that idea]
______________[I do actually need the bathroom.]
[SURE]
[Just sucks, because now I can’t go]
______________[Why not?]
[Because it’ll look like you’re having a breakdown and I’m comforting you]
______________[Oh. Ok.]
______________[Well, then yes, please don’t.]
______________[If people are going to think I’m having a breakdown, I want to actually have the breakdown. Get my money’s worth.]
______________[Also, stop texting me then. And get off your phone.]
[No.]
I laughed, and put my phone away. Once I was done, I took my time getting back, window-shopping along the way. It seemed to have paid off. When I got back, everyone had split off into separate little groups. Eric and Nick were the nearest to me, with none of the others nearby.
“Babe, you can’t smoke in here.” Eric said to Nick, who had just pulled out a cigarette.
“Ugh. Grandma. Okay, I’m going outside.” Nick rolled his eyes and traipsed outside. He didn’t seem to have seen me behind them.
“Babe?” I raised my eyebrows as I walked up to Eric.
“Yeah…” Eric rubbed his arm. “His thing. Guess I’ve picked it up.”
I laughed, but cut myself off at the look on Eric’s face.
“What?” He crossed his arms.
“It’s just a little…”
“A little what?”
I shrugged and smirked. “Basic.”
“That is SO mean.” He laughed. “But yeah, kind of.”
“So, is it going well?”
He grimaced.
I raised my eyebrows. “Not, then?”
“He doesn’t like Vince. We hung out together earlier, and Nick kind of… I don’t know. Went after him a bit. It was a little weird.”
“Wow.”
“Other than that, it’s going great though. I like him.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry, I probably shouldn’t talk to you about this.”
“You talked about me with Louis all the time.”
“Yeah, but that was different.”
“Different how?” I tilted my head.
“I don’t know. We didn’t date for as long, and we were apart for longer than the two of us were, and- never mind.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “I’m going to go stand outside with Nick for a bit.”
“Okay.” I smiled pleasantly as I watched him go.
“And why are we chatting with the enemy?” Ellie sidled up to me. “Gain any interesting intel?”
I shrugged. “Trouble in paradise, maybe.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I think maybe we should try to be extra nice to Vince. Nick apparently hasn’t been.”
She sighed. “You know, this is not the relaxed, ice-cream-eating crowd I signed up for.”
“Please.” I scoffed. “You’re living for this drama.”
“Okay, fine.” She smiled and spread her hands. “But you know it isn’t good for me to indulge in this. This is turning into the BigMac of groups. I need broccoli.”
“You hate broccoli.”
“I’m fine with metaphorical broccoli.”
“Fine, we’ll join a book club or something.”
She laughed. “Let’s go talk to Vince.”
He’d been sitting on his own, and he seemed to perk up on our approach. After a while, he began to start acting a bit more like himself. Louis had tried with him when the whole group was together, but it had fallen flat. Probably because Nick had been there. It was part of why everything had been so awkward – Vince was usually the source of the noise and excitement. It was nice to see he was still okay. A little while after Sara and Melissa wandered over to join us, I peeled off and went to talk to Louis and John.
“Heyyy, Superman.” John delivered three fake punches to my upper arm.
“What are you DOING?” Louis chuckled.
“I don’t know.” John grinned sheepishly and shrugged. “Trying something. Jay seems bro-ish.”
“I’m really not.” I laughed. “I can’t even do that handshake thing.”
“Pffft, no one can.” John snorted. “The guys who think they know exactly what it is are the ones who are REALLY confused.”
“Is he allowed to tell us that?” I asked Louis.
“I don’t know. I feel like it’s breaking ‘bro code’.” Louis bit his lip.
“I was never much of a bro anyway.” John smiled. “Too much latent homosexuality.”
“Ugh.” Louis let out an exaggerated groan of annoyance. “The worst kind of homosexuality.”
“Yeah.” I laughed. “I like mine… un-latent?”
“Manifest.” Louis said.
“Yes, manifest homosexuality.” I grinned.
He chuckled softly. “That sounds like a command.”
“Anyway, Jay.” John had turned to look at me, his face and tone serious. “How are you holding up with this whole situation?”
“I’m fine.” I let out a quick breath. “It’s a little weird, but fine.”
“Yeah, I thought this was going to be a good idea.” Louis rubbed his temple. “But it was very, very much NOT. Thanks for making an effort with Vince, by the way. He seems a little down tonight.”
“Yeah, apparently that’s a thing with…” I nodded over at the window, where I could see Nick. “You know.”
“What’d that motherfucker do?” John’s expression darkened.
Louis blinked at him. “Calm down.”
“I really don’t know.” I laughed nervously. “Eric didn’t say much.”
“I’m going to go talk to him.” John marched off towards Vince.
“The guy was dead to him just a few minutes ago.” Louis shook his head. “For ‘taking Eric’s side’. And now this.”
“Wow.” I grimaced.
“Am I already outgrowing high school?” he asked. “I’m just so over this whole thing.”
“Sorry.” I probably shouldn’t have been so set to prove to Eric that I was okay with the Nick thing. I hadn’t thought it could go badly for Louis.
“Don’t give me that look, it’s absolutely not your fault.” He sighed. “I wanted this, I just didn’t realise how bad an idea it was.”
“You’re not mad at John and Melissa, are you?”
“No, not really. I wish they’d be a bit nicer. But they think I was stupid for organising this.” He scratched his chin. “I feel like that’s more justified than me thinking that they’re being petty.”
I smiled sympathetically. “Right.”
“Am I being stupid?”
“No! Come on, you’re literally the smartest guy I know,” I said, and he smiled. “Besides, you’re just trying to hold on to your friends. This is kind of a disaster, but there’s nothing wrong with what you tried to do. Your intentions were pure.”
“Thanks.” He smiled sadly.
I bit my lip, and nodded behind me. “What do you think about Nick?”
“He’s…” He scrunched up his face. “An experience.”
“Like losing a limb. Or surviving a murder attempt.”
“Sure.” He laughed.
“Maybe we’ll grow as people, getting to know him.”
“It’s a distinct possibility.”
“I think I’m happy with who I am, though.” I wrinkled my nose.
“Good. You should be.” He smiled. “Come on, the movie’s going to start soon. Let’s gather everyone up.”
“Lead the way.” I grabbed his shoulder, grinning. “I’m not letting go of you until we’ve sat down – don’t you dare rush in and leave me sitting next to Nick.”
He laughed. “Fair enough.