A gay story: Secret Prayer Ch. 06 It was easy enough for Gage to win the temporary restraining order, which would be looked at again in a few months to decide whether it should be permanent for an amount of five years. Lucia filed a restraining order on the Phillips too, but they had to be served which meant figuring out where they were staying. Lucia would send one to their home in Texas, but they needed to actually be served and given a chance to be in court for it.
Jeremy also put out the news stories. It included photos of Gage and Tate. Both of them had given interviews to a few reporters, with Tate telling them about how the Mission President had made his entire mission hell from the beginning. He was seen as a problem child from the outset, and Mr. Hartman had disciplined him, taken away privileges, and put him with men that were more than happy to tell on any small infraction, even if it was something like not praying enough.
Gage told them all about being gay, and what the church believed you should do in that instance. BYU had come out recently with their revised rules regarding conduct and dress that was acceptable, and even intimate touching between two men or two women were prohibited if they were thought to be gay. They weren’t even allowed to be romantic with anyone of the same sex, while heterosexual couples only had to abstain from sex unless they were married. He talked about Craig’s suicide, which was the hardest thing he had ever done, and he had to stop quite often because his emotions overwhelmed him and he had been taught to not cry in front of people. He also told them all about his family using the police against him.
The effect from that was almost immediate. No more missionaries or home visitors showed up at their door after that. Gage had never been so relieved, though he never felt any ill will towards the missionaries or home visitors. Tate did, but Tate had far less empathy at this point. Most of them had been very kind, and some even understanding of the position that Gage was in. There were quite a few home visitors that would offer to pray for his happiness, or tell him that they didn’t have a problem with gay people.
Gage was still waiting for the other shoe to drop though, mostly with Jarek’s family, and every time he left the house or came back home, he was on high alert. Jarek seemed to take the atmosphere of constant waiting with the same sort of nervous energy Gage did, as if it was a certainty that they would show up eventually, even to the point that he carried around the restraining order service paperwork. They barely left the house except to go to work or school and go back home. They ordered all of their food or groceries in, fortunately on the Foundation’s generous dime.
They only really went out for fun once, and that was for Gage to really feel like he had broken free of his family. He ended up with pierced ears, a labret piercing (that Jarek kept calling his lab rat piercing), and a tattoo on his arm of a black bird breaking free of a cage. That outing included getting them coffee for the first time, which Gage liked alright and Tate said he would gladly trade it with his cigarette addiction. He’d take the coffee any day over the cancer sticks.
Jarek secretly hoped Tate could find a way to quit smoking. He always smelled terribly and him going outside to feed his habit made both Jarek and Gage nervous with each time the door opened. Though they had noticed he was doing it less now, and seemed to be chewing gum or sucking on candies more often. Jarek supposed they were still traumatized by what Gage’s sister and dad had done.
Tate seemed to be serious about his comment too, because he invested in a coffee machine and ended up outside far less than he had been before. It seemed his cigarettes were a treatment to his own psych issues versus actually getting medication. The Foundation helped him get into a counselor of his own and it seemed to be helping, but being able to indulge in something that went against the Mormon beliefs was something that calmed some of his anger and anxiety down. Coffee and soda soon became his main way of doing that.
A little after the cops had been in their home, Gage started feeling vague pain in his stomach occasionally, and as the weeks went by, it seemed to get worse. His appetite decreased and he was careful about what he was eating, trying to put things on his stomach that were easy to digest and he would sometimes hold off on eating until dinner was cold. He was trying to keep it away from Jarek though, as he didn’t want him to worry.
As a few weeks went by without any incident from either the Belfords or the Phillips, Gage was starting to calm down, thinking maybe the Phillips didn’t think it was worth coming up to Chicago for. It was why when Xavier let Gage see where they kept the spare wood and parts and how he allowed his workers to make things, sometimes for themselves or family and friends, and sometimes to make things to show Xavier as ideas for the shop, Gage jumped on it with hope of making something for Jarek.
There were two big, long pieces of wood that Gage had some ideas for, and he had a setup done for his small downtimes. He used resin and paint to create a beach scene with a rainbow over the top of the water. There was a box of unused art items that he dug into for the shells and sand, and he added glitter into the sand so that it sparkled in the light. Xavier loved it once he saw the final piece and asked to take photos because he might want them to recreate something like it later. This one, though, was for someone and Xavier knew it.
Xavier even let him borrow his truck to take it to the house. Gage called a little before he got home to ask Tate for help, and so Tate gave an apologetic look to Jarek for having to open the door before he went out to help Gage pull the table down off the truck bed and over onto the porch.
Tate popped his head back in the door and looked at Jarek. “Only good things, but you might want to come see this.”
Jarek got up and followed Tate, curious now. When he got outside, he saw the table and just stood there speechless for a moment. Gage gave him a nervous smile before saying, “It’s a Gage Belford original. This is the first time I’ve used so many different types of media in it. Not my first time with resin at this point, though, or else it would look awful.”
Jarek laughed good-naturedly at that, but it was clear he was still in awe. “Gage, this is beautiful!”
Gage’s smile was so bright it could have left everyone sunburned. “I’m glad you think so, because I made it for you.”
Jarek looked shocked. “I couldn’t!” he managed to sputter out. “It’s your first piece and you deserve to be paid for your work!”
“It’s my first full one alone, sure, but there will be others,” Gage replied. “And it’s nowhere near up to the quality the shop would sell. It’s a perfect gift for someone who has helped me through some serious hell and hasn’t just up and left over it though.”
Jarek looked confused. “Why would I leave? I’m the one on the lease!”
Gage laughed at that. “Okay, or kicked me out. You could have easily kicked me and Tate out. Especially Tate.”
Jarek laughed, a short bark. “No,” he said, “queers don’t give up on each other. I’m going to have to have you watch some of my favorite musicals…”
Gage grinned at that and kissed Jarek. “Tate isn’t one of us queers, though,” he replied with a chuckle, which made Tate stick his tongue out at them. “I’d love that though. We can put the popcorn bowl and mugs with coasters on the new table while we watch too!”
“I’m queer adjacent,” Tate added. “My only friends now are queer, so I guess I’m also learning the no gay left behind thing.”
“If I have it my way, soon the house will be filled with furniture I’ve made,” Gage said to Jarek.
“Overachiever,” Tate joked.
“You have no idea,” Jarek said, petting Gage’s arm affectionately.
“Oh god, is that a sex joke?” Tate groaned.
Jarek patted his arm. “You’ll learn that men seldom grow up all the way and basically everything is a sex joke. Unless you’re Ace in some way, then we tend to respect that.”
Tate shook his head while Gage laughed and told them they should get the table inside. While they were working out how best to lift it, a sleek blue sedan pulled up to the curb and the rear doors opened to spill a couple of tall men out who held more than a passing resemblance to Jarek. They were dressed alike in jeans, flannel, and roper boots. As they stood to their full height they placed cowboy hats on their heads at the same time and closed the doors. Two more men stepped out of the front seats as the car engine stopped who were as unalike as the twins were alike.
Jarek’s eyes immediately went round at the sight of them and he swore colorfully under his breath. “It’s my brothers. That means the rest of the family isn’t far behind. Let’s just get the table inside and shut the door,” he said.
Before they could even begin to lift the table, however, a quick, barking laugh rang out across the neighborhood. “Hey! Look everyone, it’s the Phillips Family Fairy! Jarey! Come say hello to your long lost brothers!”
Gage had tensed up and he looked back at Jarek and Tate. “Forget the table. Just get inside. Call Jeremy, and then call the cops.”
Tate didn’t give Jarek much chance to argue before he grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him inside the house, shutting and locking the door behind them. Gage turned around to look over the men who had gotten out of the car. Gage had his brow furrowed and stood now with his arms crossed in front of him like he was minorly inconvenienced by all of this.
“Can I help you…gentlemen?” Gage asked them.
They shared a look amongst themselves and then advanced upon Gage’s position en masse. “Hey!” the original talker said, “what gives with Jarey? Wait, are you the boyfriend? We just want to have a conversation with him, promise!”
“Calling him a fairy and acting intimidating doesn’t seem like you just want to talk,” Gage replied, ignoring the boyfriend question for two reasons. One, because they were just newly official and that felt a little sacred to Gage, and two because these people didn’t deserve an answer anyway. “You can leave your number with me and if Jarek wants to talk to you, he can get in touch.”
One of the twins spoke up, “Hear that boys? We’s intimidatin’!”
They all had a laugh at that before the driver spoke again. “Nah, that’s just how we talk! Jarey’s always been sensitive, though. Maybe we shoulda come in here with kid gloves on!”
“I never said it was an impressive level of intimidation,” Gage added flatly. “You’re kind of like the middle school bullies who are only impressive in numbers. Either way, Jarek isn’t interested in whatever you’re peddling here. As I said, you can leave your number and he’ll get back to you, or we can call the cops. Your choice.”
“Aw shucks!” (Gage could NOT believe one of them actually unironically said aw shucks) one of the twins said, “Ain’t no reason t’ involve the Law fer a family reunion. Hell, Jarey left outta town without even waitin’ t’ see what we thought of him being a f– a quee– gay.” It was clear he wasn’t used to editing his language.
“If words are so hard in front of me, I can only imagine what you’ll say in front of Jarek,” Gage growled, this time emphasizing the K on the end of his name. “Much like we said to my family, we’re not interested in whatever you have to say. So go on, git.”
The passenger finally spoke up, “Yeah, he’s the boyfriend all right. Look how protective he is. Look here, Sonny Jim, we’re gonna talk to our brother one way or another. Why don’t you just scamper on in there and ask him if he wants us to leave. If he tells us himself, we’ll go quiet. Like Al said, ain’t no call to set the Law on us.”
“Does it actually matter if I’m the boyfriend or not?” Gage asked them, and he glanced back at the table for a second before looking towards the front door. He had sent them in without it, but he realized now that these men could ruin it if they had the chance. He just hoped Jarek and Tate were taking care of things inside.
Jarek and Tate were calling people inside. Tate was on the phone with Mr. Thayer and Jarek was trying to convince the police that there were intruders on his property. According to the dispatcher, however, there was no law being broken unless the intruders were trying to break into the house or physically assaulting someone. Moreover, Jarek got the impression that they had been deemed a “nuisance caller.”
“Listen, kiddo, we can’t send a car out every time you and your man friend get into a spat,” the dispatcher said before hanging up.
Tate got off the phone with Jeremy around the same time. “Mr. Thayer and Mr. Sparks are on their way with Lucia. Is Gage safe out there with them?” Tate asked.
“They’ve only ever been remotely violent accidentally,” Jarek responded, “but the last time I saw them was seven years ago. A lot can change in that time.”
“Fine, how about this? I’ll take a message and pass it along,” Gage told the brothers. “But that’s as good as it gets. A face to face with you all and Jarek isn’t happening.”
“Listen, missy,” the twin who hadn’t spoken before said quietly, “we know the Law won’t do anything so long as we ain’t bein’ rowdy, so just send him on out. We won’t go past our side ‘n’ this here gay table y’all built and he can stay by the door.”
“Being gay doesn’t make me a woman,” Gage growled. “If you won’t even treat me with basic respect then you aren’t going near Jarek.”
The other twin elbowed him in the arm as if to say “I told you so” and they nodded at each other solemnly. “Our apologies, we don’t mean nothin’ by it. We just don’t know how y’all do things. Is Jarey the wife?” It was clear from his tone that the man had no idea and was simply trying to learn, but boy did everything they said rub Gage the wrong way.
He narrowed his eyes at the man for a moment, thinking back to Addison’s joke about Gage making a good wifey. Perhaps all of them had similar disillusions about queer people, even when they were trying their best, like in Addison’s case. Gage swallowed hard and then looked at whichever brother seemed to be the leader among them.
“Alright, let’s say I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt here,” Gage commented. “That y’all just don’t know better and want to learn. That’s commendable. But what exactly are you hoping to gain by doing all of this? What are you hoping to walk away with from this encounter? Because I already gave my own family the benefit of the doubt and almost got thrown into a psych ward, so excuse me if I’m a little jumpy for Jarek’s safety right now.”
The four of them shared a look, then the driver answered, “We heard about that nonsense. We don’t intend no kidnappin’ nor other such craziness. We just wanna see if’n our brother is interested in gettin’ right with the Lord by joinin’ us at Mass this weekend. The folks didn’t leave the ranch, as he might expect, and they’re not likely to, no matter what yer folks tell ’em about how yer a bad influence.”
Gage chuckled at that, mostly because his level of bad influence was only happening recently, and it mostly meant for himself, with his tattoo, which the brothers could see peeking out from his shirt, and the piercings they could see. “I don’t imagine that Jarek would want to go to any church, but especially not the catholic kind. Religious trauma, especially the type that comes with touchy priests, runs deep.”
“What?” Al said quietly, looking to the other three.
Gage frowned at that. Jarek had spoken pretty openly about it, so he was surprised the brothers didn’t know. “I didn’t realize you didn’t know. That’s not really my trauma to talk about though, even if it’s one we’ve both gone through.” Gage let out a breath, considering his options. “Wait here. And for the record? Neither person is the ‘wife’ in a relationship between two men. Plus, we’re nowhere near marriage yet. If ever.” The way he said the last part made it clear that was his own hangup, but then he turned and walked back over to the front door where he got Tate’s attention so he could unlock the door before disappearing inside the house.
He could hear some discussion breaking out behind him as the door closed, including some speculation about which priest it had been.
“We may want to give them a minute because I didn’t realize they didn’t know about your issues with one of the priests,” Gage admitted once the door closed.
“Oh fuck,” Jarek said, scrambling toward the door. “I’d better stop them from leaving. They’ll lynch someone.”
Tate tilted his head and looked thoughtful, like he wasn’t sure that was such a bad thing. “Do we really need to stop them?”
“Tate,” Gage warned him and went to follow Jarek, since this part was his fault.
“I’m just saying,” Tate said as he lined up behind Gage. “If the church isn’t going to protect kids, and by church I mean any of them apparently, do we really need to protect the grown ass men in charge from the lynchings they so deserve? If they can do the diddling, they can handle the long and slow painful deaths, right?”
Jarek looked frustrated by the whole situation but he still patiently explained to Tate, “I would prefer that the people involved in kiddie-diddling get what they deserve but in this country the ones doing the lynching go to prison for murder.” With that he yanked the door open and yelled, “Stop! You four idiots get back here. You don’t even know who it was.”
Tate was going to make a comment, but Gage looked back at him with a look that gave Tate some pause. There was a warning in the look, but there was also pain, and Tate couldn’t quite figure out what it meant so he went uncharacteristically quiet while Jarek dealt with his brothers.
In the end, he convinced them to help move the table inside and have a seat. He made them coffee and introduced them to Gage and Tate. It turned out their names were Robert, Alec, Noah, and Elijah and that Jarek was the youngest. It was easy to see the resemblance between all of the brothers as they sat there next to each other.
Gage imagined it was probably how he looked when he was sat next to his own siblings, and then he felt a jolt of pain in his chest thinking about how Jarek would never get to meet Craig or see the resemblance between them. Gage swallowed down some of that grief, forcing himself to keep a neutral expression despite the brief wince he gave.
He covered that up by taking a sip of the hot coffee, trying to let the brothers talk. The coffee going down his throat hurt, as a lot of drinks and food had been hurting lately, but Gage didn’t want to bring it up. They were dealing with too much as it was, and his stomach hurting more often lately wasn’t something they needed. He could handle the pain.
After several minutes of Jarek refusing to give even a clue to his brothers about who the priest was that had molested him, he convinced them to just chill out about that, insisting that it was water under the bridge. One of the twins asked if that was why he was gay, which caught him an elbow from Al.
“I’m pretty sure they’re gay because they like the taste of dick,” Tate commented.
Robert made a gagging sound and one of the twins, not one to miss a beat, said, “I’m pretty sure they don’t gag any more, Rob-bob.”
Gage just smiled in response but didn’t say anything either way. Tate tapped his temple, like he was remembering something before he looked at Jarek and said, “So he is an overachiever.”
Gage rolled his eyes and cleared his throat. “So, it would seem your brothers are hoping to help you ‘get right with god’ while they are here. I told them I didn’t think you’d be open to going to church, any of them, but perhaps I’m wrong.”
Jarek looked at them one by one. “That’s not going to happen, guys. Even if it weren’t for my history with the priesthood, the church itself disagrees with my ideologies and lifestyle. And for the record, I’m not gay. I’m bisexual.”
The brothers seemed to take that with varying degrees of acceptance. Robert had the hardest time, insisting that Jarek could just be a “Santa and Bunny” churchgoer to keep the parents happy and still do whatever he wanted.
“Are you dating at all, Robert?” Gage asked suddenly.
“Nah,” Al answered for him, laughing at his own humor almost before he could finish the sentence. “Rob-bob is one o’ them Hey-sexuals.” The twins just rolled their eyes.
Tate was trying hard to keep his laughter down, but not really succeeding. Gage looked thoughtful, though. If Rob was asexual, then that put him squarely in their own community, though the churches definitely looked at the two sides differently.
“So, you’re an aberration to the church then,” Gage finally said.
Robert looked at him with amusement in his eyes, “Not according to Paul.” His answer was surprising but not untrue. Paul himself was likely asexual based on his various letters to the early churches. His expression softened, however, “But I see what you mean. I don’t seek out relationships and that causes the parents quite a bit of concern, but not for the state of my soul like Jarey’s… choices have.”
Gage looked down at his hands, which he had started wringing together out of anxiousness. “Choices, huh? Sure, I suppose Jarek could walk out of here tomorrow and look for a relationship that fits in better with your church’s ideals than the one he has with me. That gets him a lot of hate in the gay community too, by the way, because as far as the gays see it, Jarek is privileged, but then you all come here talking about his choices and it proves to me that he’s really not. But considering my bisexual brother took his own life with a gun because he couldn’t handle not being with the man he loved, I wonder how much of a choice that really is…”
With effort, Gage let his hands drop to his lap before picking up his mug of coffee again and drinking most of it down. It hurt like hell the entire way and he grimaced at it. “But what do I know? This is my first real relationship and my family keeps telling me that those don’t last, so…”
The uncomfortable silence that fell after that lasted for several long minutes while everyone sipped their coffee. When Gage finished his cup, Jarek retrieved it from him and replaced it with a cold glass of milk. He hoped he had been wrong about that wince, but he didn’t want to take a chance with Gage’s health. He cleared his throat. “My choices are what they are. If y’all can’t love me for who I am, sinner and all, well… you’re not the Christians you say you are.”
The brothers looked around at each other at that, Robert nodding first. “I reckon you’ve got the right o’ that. Still, it’d go a long way if you could bring yourself to make some sort of gesture for the folks.”
“Like ‘drink and eat the blood and body of Christ’ type of gesture, or bare his soul type of gesture?” Tate asked. “Because both of those can be triggering to people with religious trauma.” Then he added in more of a mumble towards Gage, who snorted in reaction. “If I never have wonderbread for the rest of my life, it will be too damn soon.”
“And tap water,” Gage replied.
“In tiny little vessels,” Tate said and then laughed. “Like what should be used for jello shots instead.”
“Those might be too small,” Gage admitted. The two knew none of the Catholics would understand, but they were distinctively joking about religious rituals. “And you’d have to pry them out of the cold, dead hands of the Relief Society president.”
Tate considered that. “I’ll be happy to do that at my dad’s church. That woman is a menace to society in Provo.”
The Phillips boys looked around at each other, as if communicating wordlessly. “Oh!” Noah exclaimed, “They’re talkin’ about communion, I think.”
“We call it sacrament, but yes,” Tate replied with a nod of his head while Gage took a sip of his milk. It did feel better going down than the coffee did.
Robert stood up, triggering a wave from his brothers as they joined him. “Well, Jarey, we’re headin’ to the hotel. Can we come back tomorrow without the Law gettin’ called on us?”
Tate snorted at that. “Not that they took us seriously.”
Gage put his arm around Jarek and squeezed his shoulder, letting him know that Gage supported him with whatever he wanted to do. It also let them gauge how well the brothers would handle them just being themselves around them or being affectionate in their presence. They noticed it and looked between Jarek and Gage, but didn’t say anything.
Jarek considered it, then nodded. “I have class until 2. Stop by after 4.”
With that, Robert nodded and they all left without further ado. When Jeremy and the others showed up, Gage explained what happened and that for now they would see how things went with the brothers before they did anything. It gave them a chance to prove themselves while still being ready in case they needed to pull the trigger on a protection order.
Gage took his boss’ truck back to the shop before coming home for the night. He only picked at dinner that night, something he had been doing for a little bit now. He ate, but he didn’t eat much. Both Tate and Jarek had noticed his decrease in appetite too, but neither had brought it up.
That night Gage lay in bed feeling the pain in his stomach increasing. It was causing nausea and the need to vomit, so Gage waited until he was fairly sure Jarek was asleep before he got out of the bed to softly pad over to the bathroom, trying to shut the door quietly behind him so as not to wake Jarek. He just barely made it to the toilet in time to lose the very small amount of dinner he’d managed to eat.
When he finished cleaning up, Gage opened the door to see Jarek standing with his outstretched hand toward the doorknob. Gage startled for a moment and then let out a sigh. “I was trying not to wake you.”
“I suspected as much. Is it an eating disorder or disordered eating? And how long has it been going on?” Jarek asked, the concern plain on his face.
The only sign of surprise on Gage’s face was his eyebrows raising but he shook his head. “No, nothing like that. It just hurts to eat and drink, and hurts randomly throughout the day. It’s been getting worse for a few weeks? I think I started feeling pain like a week or two after the cop incident. Tonight it just hurt so much that I didn’t think I could stop from throwing up.”
Jarek nodded, then started getting dressed. “Put clothes on, we’re going to the ER.”
Gage looked like he wanted to argue, ready to say it wasn’t that bad and was feeling better now that he had thrown up, but the look on Jarek’s face made him stop. He went back into the room and grabbed pajama pants, a long sleeved t-shirt, and socks. He slipped into a pair of sneakers at the door and waited for Jarek.
It took them a little bit of time to get back to a room once they were at the ER. This felt familiar, though different at the same time. Just like the last time, Jarek was right beside him through everything, but this time they weren’t trying to keep a respectful distance from each other. This time, Jarek openly held his hand in both the waiting room and the patient room. He even stood by Gage’s head and spoke to him in a low voice to distract him while they got the IV in because Gage got anxious as they tried to since he was so dehydrated that his veins kept rolling.
Once the doctor came in and listened to the symptoms, she sent him for an x-ray to see if her suspicions were correct. When he got into the x-ray room, they had him drink a liquid with barium in it and then waited about 5 minutes before they started taking the x-rays. Gage looked sicker when he got back to the room, as drinking had made the pain come back. The nurse came to give him something to help with pain before changing his bag of saline for another one.
Within an hour, the doctor came back in and sat down on the rolling chair. “Well, you have a decent sized stomach ulcer, which explains the pain, the vomiting, the nausea, and the blood in the vomit.”
“Tell me, doctor. Would it have gone away on its own?” Jarek asked, looking pointedly at Gage.
“It depends,” the doctor replied. “It could have, over time, gone away on its own, but if it comes from bacterial growth it might not have. Plus, if it formed due to stress, you’d need to be relieving your source of stress in order for it to go away, and avoid foods that up your stomach acid. I’m going to give you two weeks of antibiotics to kill off any bacteria that could be causing it, and give you a script for antacids as well. I’ll give you a list of foods to avoid while it heals as well.”
Once the doctor left, Gage raised his hands like he was surrendering. “Alright. Jarek 2, Gage 0.”
“It’s not a competition, Gage, it’s your life, and it matters to me!” Gage had never seen Jarek so upset.
“I’m sorry,” Gage sighed, letting his hands drop. “I’m not used to people caring about my health, or putting more thought into it than ‘take an Advil, you’ll be fine’ you know? If I was sick, I was supposed to figure out how to deal with it and go to school, or go to church, or go to sports practice anyway. This is new to me. I wasn’t trying to worry you. In fact, I was trying hard not to worry you.”
“Well, you did the opposite. No more secrets. Got it? If it’s bugging you, communicate it and we will work it out. I can’t work with secrets and lies,” Jarek said, barely keeping himself from pacing in irritation. “I understand it’s all new to you, but I need open, honest communication.”
“Alright, I promise,” Gage replied, looking like he wasn’t sure how to fix things. “No more secrets. I’ll let you know when something is wrong.”
Jarek relented and hugged Gage quietly. “Sorry I yelled. I just can’t bear the thought of losing you over something so stupid.”
Gage hugged him back, his heart aching at the fear in Jarek’s voice. “You aren’t going to lose me, okay? Especially not to something like this. I won’t let anything go this long again. Besides, I can’t leave my poor Jarey to deal with those four all alone, now can I?”
Jarek didn’t say anything but it was clear to Gage that he disliked being called that. Gage kissed Jarek on the forehead and then said, “I can give your brothers a lesson in letters, if you’d like. I’ll buy a bunch of supplies for teachers with the letter K and get them to repeat the sound until they get it right.”
“I appreciate it, but no. Until everyone stops calling Robert ‘Rob-bob’ and Alec ‘Al’, and the twins the ‘Ah boys’ I may be stuck with ‘Jarey’. Doesn’t mean I like it,” Jarek pointed out regretfully.
Gage could understand that. His family had some nicknames as well, though they usually kept those to only family. He had a brief memory flash through his mind of sitting at the dinner table with Craig teasing him with the nickname Cagey Gagey because Gage had gotten into the habit of guarding his school life from his siblings and parents. It was one of the few times Gage had yelled at one of his siblings, especially at the dinner table, but he’d been fed up.
Gage backed away from Jarek and laid back on the bed, a flash of pain on his face. He took a moment before he said, quietly, “I get you hate it and it irks you, but one day, you may realize you’ll never hear it again and it might not be relief you feel.”
Jarek had noticed that Gage didn’t really talk about Craig often, at least not with him and Tate. He had heard Gage speak of him with Addison, Brett, and Marina, but usually he listened instead of joining into the conversation, like there was a grief-filled block that kept him from mentioning his brother often, despite the look of pain in his eyes so often when something would spark a memory, like right now. Jarek sat down next to him, eyeing Gage to make sure it was okay and prepared to back off. Gage took his hand, making it clear he was okay with Jarek being next to him right then.
“It makes me irrationally angry that you’ve had the displeasure to meet Kayla and my father, but you never did and never will get to meet my brother,” Gage admitted.
“I’m sorry I won’t get a chance to meet him either. If you ever want to talk about him, I am always here for you, you know,” Jarek said.
“It can be hard to,” Gage commented, looking away from Jarek. “It’s like being haunted by an entire list of what ifs. All the things I can think of to do now, but didn’t at the time, and wondering if I failed him as a brother. I always looked up to him, and I didn’t save him when I might have been able to…”
“Well, therapy is a good start,” Jarek suggested. “Beyond that, I can tell you that nothing you could have done would have saved your brother. But you did have the power to save yourself and he made sure you knew that.”
Gage nodded his head. “Yeah, he did. I think he’d be really proud of me for my progress, illness notwithstanding, but he’s not here to see what his words did, and that hurts a lot.”
“I can only imagine. There’s hardly anyone in my family who reached out when I left and that was mostly to ask me to ‘come to my senses.'” Jarek complained. “Even the display you saw today felt disingenuous. I have trouble believing that all they care about is reconnecting.”
“Well, if they prove that they are only here to get you back to church and not to just reconnect with their brother, then we’ll send them packing,” Gage replied, putting his hand on Jarek’s cheek. “At least they didn’t get the cops involved like my parents did. I hope Kayla’s loyalty to them turns to ash in her mouth eventually.”
“It’s not terrible to be loyal to your parents. It’s possible she doesn’t understand where you’re coming from because she never had to make hard choices like you have. She may come around in time, or she may never change,” Jarek temporized. “I spent a few years when I first left home being angry with everyone too, so I get it, but I hope it calms down for you like it did for me.”
“I’m sure it will,” Gage agreed. “My therapist says she’s surprised I’ve stayed mad because I’ve described myself as the type who gets over issues pretty quickly and I’m more about moving on and forgiving. Everytime I think about forgiving them this time, though, I just get this flash in my mind of your face when the cops walked in, or Craig with a gun, and I just…can’t.”
Jarek nodded his understanding and hugged him with one arm. Gage hugged him back, closing his eyes as he sat there with his head on Jarek’s shoulder and breathed in that familiar scent.
“I have a really crappy amount of examples of relationships and marriages in my life.” Then Gage stopped, seeming to struggle with what he wanted to say. “I know I’m not exactly a magnificent catch or anything, especially for someone like you who is not only gorgeous but also putting yourself through school on your own with a level head and so compassionate. I don’t want to lose you because I was taught to not let others see me as weak when I was sick, or upset. I mean, sometimes I wonder if my family isn’t right about ‘first relationships’ though that only seems to apply to gay ones, and it’s inevitable that you’ll find someone better eventually, but I don’t want my taught shit to be the reason you give up on me.”
Jarek could tell from the way Gage spoke that he wasn’t putting himself down in the way some people did to get compliments or to manipulate his partner. He was speaking matter-of-factly with no real intentions of wanting to hear the opposite. He simply didn’t see himself as a good catch; he saw himself as someone people settled for, no matter the gender.
“You’ve got a lot of work to do in therapy about your self-worth, love,” Jarek said while kissing his temple.
That made Gage laugh and then he groaned in pain and laid back against the pillow again, holding his abdomen. “Yeah, probably. You’d think being a white man in a patriarchal religion would mean I’d have a high opinion of myself, and yet…Craig, up until he came out as bisexual, was actually the preferred child of the bunch. Kayla was mom’s favorite, Craig was dad’s. Addison didn’t care, and I…existed.”
“Believe me, as much as people generally assume that the baby of the family is the most-loved child, they’ve obviously never considered what that means in families with more than a manageable amount of children,” Jarek sympathized.
“I think it happens in small groups too,” Gage commented. “Marina is one of two kids that belong to her dad, and her mother had a third later. So on our side, she’s technically the baby, and Uncle Stefan got a lot of shit for having so few kids, but the way he treats her is atrocious. Some people shouldn’t be parents.”
“Some people weren’t made for it. Parenting is a fine art and even the conscientious ones harm their kids in the process sometimes,” Jarek said, suddenly looking wise beyond his years.
Gage brushed some of Jarek’s hair behind his ear. “That’s true. I have a long way to go towards fixing that harm it looks like. I promise to try very hard not to drive you nuts while I do that though.”
“Well, there are some things you can do with my nuts, in the meantime,” Jarek said, lasciviously wiggling his eyebrows at Gage in a comical display.
“Oh, I’ll definitely take you up on that once this hurts less,” Gage said with a laugh.
The nurse came back in to hand them the paperwork she had for them, as well as three prescriptions. She told them where the pharmacy was that stayed open all night and sent them on their way. Gage studied the paperwork on foods to avoid while they waited on the scripts to be ready. They wanted him to stay away from greasy, spicy, and fried food while it healed, and the paperwork said foods rich in fiber (like oatmeal and broccoli) and things like yogurt with probiotics would be better for it.
When they got home, it was just a little before dawn, and they made a simple breakfast that didn’t have foods on the list hoping that Gage would be able to keep it down. Gage said he would call the numbers they gave him after they slept to get in with a GI doctor. All he wanted to do now was eat, take his meds, and sleep.