Giving the room another quick glance, he settles himself on the couch, his bare feet propped up on the coffee table I have just mentioned. He reaches for the box where he keeps his cigars, then remembers I am here and closes the lid. “Don’t say it, Elf. I’m not gonna, even though I am technically in my own room.”
“Danke.”
Patting the cushion next to him, he says, “C’mon over and sit down.”
I do so, tucking my fleece blanket around me and snuggling against him.
“Cozy?”
“Ja.”
“OK, here goes. I spent the first weeks just doing what I usually do in the wilderness: enjoyin’ the solitude, hunting game, running and climbing and just generally wearin’ myself out physically, then sleepin’ like a log. Somehow, I don’t seem to have nightmares when I’m out there. I can rest better. My head feels clearer and my senses sharper. I’m just more alive.
“After that, I settled down some. I’d sit by a pretty little waterfall and stare at it for hours, just thinkin’. Or I’d watch a sunset until the stars came out, then watch the stars wheel around through the sky. It was late spring and headin’ for summer, so the weather was mild, considerin’. Not the frigid peace of winter, but the pale green of new life just starting its cycle once again. At length, it dawned on me that this could be a time of change, or new beginnings. That things were never over and done, but only circles, going round and round in an endless wheel of life. Maybe it was time for me to move on also. But where? Which way should I go? What should I keep and what should I discard?
“The restlessness grew in me, as each day gave way to the next and I watched nature renew itself around me. Paths seemed to lead away from this moment in all directions, but which one did I want to choose?
“One such path led to S.H.I.E.L.D. But I had walked in that direction already, and I felt a distinct aversion to what I had found.
“Another led back to the X-Men. I liked the scenery there much better, but there were memories of sorrow and pain, of loss and death. And you.
“Yet another path could have me as leader of the X-Men, but I led them to viciousness, corruption, and dissolution. I explored other paths where I led them to victory and peace. But those peaceful paths were too narrow, too tight, too high for me to scale. And if I were to fail, those paths would lead to their destruction. Charlie’s dreams and ideals would come to nothing.
“No, not that way, I decided. The path of a leader was not for me. But you were on that path also.
“I traced paths away from all that had gone before. One of an ordinary human life, where I did not have to be always a hero, strong and resourceful, courageous and bold. Paths where I stayed as I was now, isolated from people, free from civilization, wild and unrestrained.
“Still uncertain, I returned to the small town where I had stored my bike, in order to call Nick Fury and tell him I was through with S.H.I.E.L.D, through with assassination and torture and secret missions. I won’t say such things may not be necessary at certain times and under certain circumstances, but I cannot contemplate doing it anymore without revulsion.
“You made me see that, Elf. Not with words, but with actions. And with love.
“That takes me as far as, let’s see now, mid-June? Yes. And I was going to head back here then, but something happened.”
He stops short, staring out the window and into the distance. I lift my head from his shoulder and kiss his cheek. “Logan?”
“Oh! Sorry, darlin’. I was – thinking. Rare for me, huh?” he jokes.
“Vhat stopped you from coming back?”
“I ran into someone I never expected to see and he told me a lot about my past. I don’t wanna talk about all that now. I’m still tryin’ ta get it straight in my head. Like you with Mystique, I’m not sure how much of it I can trust.”
“I can vait. Vhen you are ready to tell me, I vill be ready to listen.”
“Ya ain’t gonna like it, darlin’. While we were together up there, I did some things –“
I interrupt him before he can say anymore. “Did you harm anyone?”
“No. Unless you want to count myself.”
“Umm. Vell then, it does not matter, since you are here, sane and in one piece.”
He says nothing to that.
“Shall I tell you now vhether I vant you back?” I ask hopefully.
“Not yet.” He turns towards me, the arm around my shoulders becoming more tense. “Let’s not fool ourselves, darlin’. You’re lettin’ yourself in for trouble by being my lover. Make no mistake, Elf: you are playing with your own death here.”
I look at him, meeting his eyes directly. “You warned me about that back when we first got together. I have been doing it for several years already. Vhy should I stop now?”
“Because it’s just gotten much more dangerous to be someone very close to me.” But he does not tell me why that should be so. Perhaps that person from his past? Or perhaps S.H.I.E.L.D is after him for quitting and I could end up as collateral damage?
“Considering your track record vith vimmen, mein Freund, it has alvays been very dangerous to be your lover. There has never been a time vhen I have not known that to be true.”
He seems almost to flinch when I tell him that, but I am not sure why. Suddenly, he changes the subject.
“Remember that last night I was here, when you took the sleeping pills and said not to wake you up when I left?”
“Ja, natürlich. How could I forget?”
“Well, I laid there awake holding you in my arms for a very long time, thinking about how we’d just had sex, knowing how hard it must have been for you to let me go, and all that kind of stuff. Months later, while I was still trying to figure out what I should do, where I wanted to go with my life, curled up in my sleeping bag in the middle of nowhere next to a dying fire, that night came back into my mind. And I felt how very empty my arms were without you in them. I knew then that I just had to come back to you, because I couldn’t do this all by myself. Sure, I could quit working with S.H.I.E.L.D. I could even quit being an X-Man, if I had to. But I couldn’t spend the rest of my life without you beside me, unless that was how you wanted it to be. It was at that moment that I made up my mind. So what’s it to be, Kurt? It’s your call.”
“I vill give you an answer that you vill understand perhaps better than mere vords.” I get up from the couch. “Come. It vill be better if ve go into the bedroom for this.”
He remains sitting. “Elf, I don’t want sex to be the answer to that question. I need to know something more conclusive.”
I take his hands and pull him to his feet. “It vill not be sex, I promise you.”
He nods and follows me into the other room.
I grab an old towel from the bathroom, then turn on the reading light clipped to the headboard of our bed, tipping it so that it casts a bright light onto the bed. I lie down on my stomach with my back in the puddle of light.
“You vill notice that there are no scars on my back, other than the one on my neck that we talked about earlier.”
“So what’s that got to do with anything?” he demands impatiently. “I figured you just ran out of sins.”