“Lucky guy,” Lee added.
They both smiled. “Right, so I started reading . . . I can’t really remember what story I read next, but the depth, the nuance, the details, the emotion, I just couldn’t believe that a story could have me so wrapped up in it. Aaaand turned on. Pretty soon, I didn’t want to do anything but read the stories. I would order my groceries online and have them delivered because I didn’t want to do anything that would keep me from reading. I think I probably read all the straight stories first and I probably read the interracial stories next. Whatever pictures showed straight couples, I read them first. Keep in mind that I had jerked off to gay and bi porn in my life too many times to count. My head told me, the whole time, my head was telling me that if I READ a gay story, I’ll be gay.”
“Then, I decided to read Bi The Way. The pictures of Kenya intrigued me and she was my type and to my conflicted brain, that was the justification I used to allow myself to start reading a story that I knew had gay men in it. When I tell you that Justin was saying things, he was telling my life story, the pain, the lies . . .” Marvin got choked up for a minute. “Suffice it to say, it changed my life, my understanding, my outlook. I had to start unpacking a whole lot of bullshit in my life.”
“Anyway, I devoured all the stories at that point. I was like a scholar; I could have gotten my PhD in In Loving Color. Then one day, maybe just a little more than two months ago I’m thinking, I was on Reddit, looking for other people who were as deep into the stories and their meanings as I was, reading about other people’s experiences, and someone said that if you go online and register with the In Loving Color site, you can read longer, more detailed versions of the stories. I couldn’t get there fast enough. I read every story.”
“I got an email inviting me to join a community, and it described Wequilibrium in detail and said that you guys were building a model that you wanted to spread across the nation. It said that you were creating a world where everyone was equal and everything was free and it described healing and gardening and sensuality and it sounded too good to be true. I knew immediately that I needed to be a part of it, I felt it deep in my soul. I had never done anything so impulsive and scary in my entire life.”
“I called my brother, had him come over and help me pack up all my stuff and I put what I wanted to keep in his garage and we drove everything else to Goodwill. I was on a Delta flight to Atlanta that afternoon. I landed and I was greeted by a group of three Wequilibrium members and a total of 17 other newbies got on a private jet, I’m talking about some James Bond type shit, and we flew to Costa Rica to this resort that was so bananas that I was like, yo, I legit died and went to heaven.”
“We cleansed and detoxed all day, it seemed like I was drinking something and taking supplements every hour. And at night, we would all sit around and talk about life, the Old World, about what we wanted in the New World, and we talked about In Loving Color. Everyone there knew all the characters, they had insights, they were all open and honest about their sexuality. I knew I had found my tribe. It was the first time I felt really free enough to be honest about my sexuality and my insecurities with anyone, let alone a whole group of strangers, both men and women.”
“One night, I was kicking it with these guys who had been in the community since the beginning and they told me that there was a white guy and that he made Black men feel like Kings, like royalty . . . I felt something inside me so strong, like I had to know what that felt like. At the end of the three weeks, they offered us all the chance to stay and do some different types of healing and cleansing or we could come back to Atlanta and get oriented in our new accommodations. When I tell you I was so scared of being judged that I almost didn’t ask, but I asked if I could book a session with you and no one even blinked an eye. And, here I am.”
Lee nodded, hoping that his non-verbal communication conveyed how incredibly honored he felt for the opportunity to share this time and space with him.
“You know, they told me that you were good-looking, but I wasn’t expecting . . . you. I mean, I’ve been with more white men than I can count, for real, more than I remember, and . . . seriously, and I can say in all honesty that I’ve never been attracted to any of them. I can remember more than a few who repulsed me with their appearance but mostly it was their stank attitudes.” Marvin made a face like he was going to throw up or he was smelling something foul or maybe it was a combination of both.
“White men have only ever served one purpose behind closed doors for me, to give me a nut when I didn’t have a girlfriend. I’m really just coming to terms with the fact that I can say that I’m attracted to Black men sexually, and maybe even romantically, without feeling like a black hole is gonna open up and swallow me up for being a faggot, without having to add disclaimers about how I’m attracted to women more. I don’t know. This is still a little scary and hella new to me. I came here, I requested this, whatever you call it, this time with you, because I felt drawn to the experience of being pampered. I wanted to feel special. That’s something that the Old World never gave me. But I’m not gonna lie, I’m attracted to you, to the whole package.”
It was time for Lee to feel uncomfortable. For all of his growth and transformation, there was still a small part of him that still felt like his old self in terms of his looks and especially what he considered his inferior status in life. He got his phone and pulled up a picture. “Here. That’s the real me. Wait. Sorry. That’s the old me. This, this is the real me. I feel more comfortable looking at that picture than looking in the mirror, however. I still don’t feel deserving of looking like this. That just shows me that I have more healing to do and, quite frankly, I love that. I love the feeling of accomplishment when I gain a little more insight or tackle a hurdle.”
Marvin looked at the phone and looked at the man sitting next to him. He looked back at the phone and then back at Lee. The person on the phone was slightly overweight, non-descript, and not at all the gorgeous man sitting next to him. His eyes, he could see in his eyes that it was the same man. “That makeover team must have been working overtime. They did a great job. How? I mean, you look nothing like that guy in the picture. Did you have plastic surgery?” Marvin caught himself and heard what he was saying. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be offensive.”
“Oh, I’m not at all offended. No, there wasn’t any plastic surgery. This version of me was inside me all along, I just didn’t know how to access it. The short version of the story is, I had to let go of a whole lot of whiteness before this me could be revealed.”
“Whaaat? Well, I’mma need the 12″ extended remix version of the story because I gotta tell you, I’m a little overwhelmed and none of this is making any sense to me. I wanna hear everything. Don’t leave anything out.”