Loss to Love Ch. 09

As usual my dad sat at the living room, watching TV as he ate his dinner. I walked to the kitchen, grabbing a box of take out. I contemplated sitting alone in the kitchen, but remembering my dad’s unusual behavior of inviting me got me more brazen. I grabbed a pair of chopsticks and my food, carrying them to the living room. I looked over at my dad seated in his recliner, holding a Chinese takeout box in one hand, the other guiding noodles into his mouth with his chopsticks. I lowered myself down onto the couch next to him, without so much as saying a word.

At first he seemed surprised that I was joining him, believe me so was I, but eventually we settled into a comfortable silence, watching television. Just sitting there, even not talking, felt like I was in a family again, something I hadn’t felt in so long.

When I was done with my food, I laid the empty box on the table. “The food was good, thanks dad.” I muttered.

“So have you thought about it?” He asked. I knew he was asking about his proposition about me being straight. Yesterday I would have straight up said no, but today was different. I had a taste of what being a family again would be like. I had thoughts about ending it with Nick. My mindset was changed in the course of a few hours.

“Still thinking.” I said, getting up and clearing our trash before heading straight to my room.

I picked up my phone, searching for Dean’s number in my contacts, hitting the dial button. It rang a couple of times before he answered’ “Hello.”

“Hey Dean.”

“What up man?” Dean asked.

“Nothing.”

“Doesn’t sound like nothing lover boy. What? Boy troubles with Nick?” Dean said. I could almost hear the smirk in his voice.

“I guess you could say that. I’m thinking if I should break up with him.”

“What?! What did he do? Did he cheat on you?”

“No, that’s the problem, he didn’t do anything wrong.” I said, running my hand through my hair.

“Then why do you want to break up with him? What, he has some weird quality that you don’t like?”

“No, he’s about as perfect as they come.”

“You know you’ve got to give me more here man. It sounds like you’re torn between breaking up with him or swooning over him.”

“That’s because I am dickhead.” I shouted, exasperated.

“Well if your gonna be that way, I’ll talk to you some other time.” Dean said.

“Wait wait, I’m sorry. It just…I’m so lost man. I’m scared.”

“Of?”

“He told me he loves me today. Mind you he didn’t say it while fully conscious but in a dream, but still. I’m going paranoid over here because I don’t know what to do and…” I was cut off when Dean interrupted me.

“Wait wait hold up here. So he told you he loves you, so do you love him?”

“Yes.”

“Then what’s the problem? You’re scared he doesn’t mean it, you know your weird thing about people who use love so loosely?” Dean asked.

“No I think he meant it.”

“So…”

“I’m scared to lose him man. I’m scared to love him. Everyone I ever loved has disappeared from my life. My mom, my dad, you.”

“Hey hey, relax. I’m. Still. Here. I’ve not disappeared Drew. Yeah sure I’m halfway across the country but I’m still here. Don’t forget that.”

“What if he dies man? I won’t be able to take it. I can’t have him leave me like that.” I said, on the verge of tears.

“Does this have something to do with your mom?” I didn’t answer, sniffing once through the phone. “Drew, there are some things in life you cannot control. Death is one of them. If a person goes, he goes. But now you’re telling me that you are gonna give up a happy life just because you’re scared he will die? That’s just stupid.”

“I can’t.” I choked out.

“Seriously man, you won’t know how to be happy if you don’t try. I can’t tell you if you guys will be together for fifty years or one year, but can you live with yourself if you gave up fifty happy years for the fear that you would only spend one. Think about it man. Don’t give up on this. I gotta go. I’ll talk to you soon.” Dean said, hanging up.

It was all so much to take in, so much so that I no longer knew what I wanted anymore. I was mentally drained; the day of constant emotional turmoil had left me exhausted. I lay on my bed closing my eyes, tired of thinking so much. I just needed to sleep, and so I did.

It was around 3am that I jerked awake from my sleep, my forehead covered in a sheen of sweat. My eyes stung from the tears that had flowed. I had never cried in my sleep before, never had a dream that was so intense, so real.

Dreaming about my mom was something I hadn’t had before either, even when she just passed. Seeing her in my dream just made me realize how much I missed her and, no matter how much I wanted it to, she wasn’t coming back.

But the thing that was most horrifying in the dream was seeing Nick, but it wasn’t Nick I was looking at. It was not the bubbly and sweet boy I had grown to love. It was nothing more than a corpse, lying lifeless on the floor, blood pooling around his cold body. I bawled at the sight, unable to contain my heart wrench. Waking up was a relief, to realize that it was all a dream.

But I guess it wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare. One that I was terrified was going to happen in real life. It was this nightmare that cleared my head, made me know what I had to do. I had to break up with Nick, before it was too late.

Sunday was spent planning how I was going to break the news to Nick. There were no more contemplation, no more indecision. The nightmare set everything into perspective for me. I loved Nick but I will not stay around to see it when he got hurt. What Dean said the previous day made sense but I just can’t bring myself to go through with it.

Then there was my dad. I thought I had given up on him long ago, but now I’m scrambling to get into his good books again. After not speaking for so long, suddenly having him at least showing me he cared enough has me craving for more. Once again I remembered Nick’s coming out to his dad, how they somehow managed to salvage the strained relationship they once shared. I wanted that too.

Monday came, the day that I would execute whatever I had planned to say the previous day. The day I broke up with Nick. I had texted Nick, asking him to meet me at school early. Him, having no suspicions of my plans had agreed willingly. So I sat at the bleachers at school, facing the empty field in front of me waiting for Nick. A slight mist rolled over the grass, giving an almost mystical look to the otherwise ordinary football field.

“Hey.” I heard from my left. I turned and saw Nick walking up to me, a huge grin plastered on his face. I sighed at that look; little did he know I was about to wipe that grin off his face. I didn’t want to spoil his entire day but I had to get this over with.

“Hey.” I replied, turning my face back to the front.

“I missed you.” He said taking a seat next to me. He went to grab my hand that sat on my knee, but I pulled away before he had the chance. He couldn’t seem to tell that it was deliberate when he moved to place a kiss on my cheek.

Putting my hand up, I stopped his advancing lips, denying him the kiss he wanted. “We need to talk Nick.”

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