The look on Nick’s face became instantly serious. “Is something wrong?” He asked.
“Yes Nick, a lot is wrong.” I said. Everything that I had planned to say instantly vanished from my mind, going blank.
“You can tell me.” He said, care lacing his voice. I took a deep breath; I had to stop the charade before he said anymore. The more I heard his sweet voice, the more I felt my resolve disappearing. I needed to get this done before I changed my mind again.
“I’m breaking up with you Nick.” I said. Nick was silent for a moment. I could see from the corner of my eye that he was staring at me in disbelief.
“What?” He asked, clearly not understanding the whole situation.
“I’m breaking up with you.” I repeated, still not looking at his face.
“Yeah I heard you, but…did I do something wrong?” I screamed no in my head, his dejected voice making me rethink what I had just done, but done it I had and there was no turning back now.
“Yes. You can drop the act now okay. I’ve had sex with you already. You won. You can stop the charade.” Did I believe for one second that Nick would dump me once he got sex? Not one bit, but I knew Nick wasn’t going to give up so easily if I didn’t hurt him a little.
“What? I’m not bluffing Drew. What’s wrong with you? You think I was going to dump you after sex? Seriously where did you even get such an idea?”
“Seriously Nick, I know I was some prize you lusted over for three years. You took your chance when I was down and broken when my mom died. Now that you’ve won, you’ll go on to the next person.” I said, feeling sick at my own words. Nick wasn’t that kind of person and speaking about him in such a way didn’t feel right. However, instead of Nick expression morphing into anger, it softened.
“You don’t believe that. I can tell. It’s something else that you’re not telling me.” Nick said, seeing past my lies. “C’mon Drew, whatever it is, we can work through it. I’m not gonna give up on you like this.”
“Just let me be Nick. I have my reasons and I don’t have to explain it to you. Just leave me.” I said, burying my face in my palms.
“I won’t. I can’t. Drew I cannot give up on you okay, even if I wanted to. I can’t give up on you because…I love you.” He said. There it was, out in the open. This time it wasn’t a dream, he said it, fully conscious and sober. “And I know you love me too. Is this what all this is about? You’re scared?” It’s scary how he could read me like that, but I couldn’t let my guard down now, couldn’t let him get past my defenses. I had made my decision.
“I said I don’t have to explain anything to you Nick. We’re through okay, just leave me.” I said.
“I will, if you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t love me. Do that, and I will leave.” Nick said. If I wanted him to go, I had to do this. I lifted my head from my hands, turning to look at Nick. It was a simple lie, ‘I don’t love you’. Just words to utter, but looking at his brown eyes, my mouth kept shut. I couldn’t say those words. “See, you can’t. So stop pushing me away.”
This was it; I had one last shot. One last attempt to save me from the horrors that plagued my nightmares; I had to bring out the big guns. Hit him where it really hurts; A shot below the belt. I had to use his weakness against him, his guilt. I didn’t want to do it, but I knew it was the only thing powerful enough to make him leave.
“I want you to leave because every time I look at you, I think about how lucky you are. I think about how unfair life is that a person, who has already got it all, has a supportive mom, a father who you can talk to and friends who accept you for who you are. Every time I look at you, I get reminded about how I lost my mother, my best friend and to have a father who isn’t proud of you. I get reminded that he’s the only family I have left and yet I can’t even look him in the eye without feeling like I failed him.
“But most of all, every time I look at you, I remember the guy who pushed me into lockers for the heck of it. I remember the face of my tormentor who plagued my every waking moment. I remember the person who made me feel like I’m worthless. That’s why I can’t be with you.” I said, a tear falling down my cheek.
I wasn’t crying because of the words I said. I was crying because I had to lie so much, make up stuff that made my insides twist with remorse, hurt Nick beyond belief just to get the man that I loved to let me go. He didn’t make me feel worthless, he made me realize what it was like to be loved so much that the idea of a life with him gone was something I couldn’t handle.
Nick didn’t move, staring out into the field, looking like a lost child. That was it; he has given up. Put aside his wants to make sure I wouldn’t be hurt by being with him. I got up, shaking the tears from my eyes before running off, leaving Nick alone on the bleachers. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, out to the parking lot.
I needed to get away from school, away from Nick. I couldn’t attend classes in the current state I was in. I got into little red, turning on the engine and driving away, heading home as fast as I could. As I screech to a halt in front of my house, I dropped my head down onto the steering wheel, letting the tears flow out without resisting. I knew I had to do that but still it hurt me to do it.
I cried for a good ten minutes, listening to the soft rumble of thunder in the distance. The pitter-patter of rain hitting the windscreen provided a somewhat calming effect, helping me regain my composure. I saw my dad’s jeep in the driveway, having not left for work yet. I got out of the truck, trudging through the rain to my front door. I didn’t rush, the cold water feeling good against my face, like feeling tiny caresses on my skin.
I walked through the front door, seeing my dad throwing on his jacket, ready to head to work. “Drew? Shouldn’t you be at school?” He asked, shocked at my reappearance at home.
“I did it dad.” I said.
“Did what? You’re soaking, god you need to have a shower before you catch a cold.”
“I broke up with him.” I said, giving a sad chuckle. “I’m going to try to be straight. Like how you wanted.” I said, my face twisting as more tears threatened to spill. I pushed past my dad, heading up the stairs to my room. Halfway up, he spoke, stopping me on the steps.
“Do you want to talk?” I gave yet another sad chuckle. Of course after I do what he wanted, he wants to console me. Maybe now we could go back to how things were. Maybe with the love from my father, I could forget about Nick.
“No, you should get to work.” I said, continuing my way up to my room.
“Okay well, I’ll call your school and tell them you’re not feeling well.” He said.
I closed my door, leaning against it, sliding to the floor. I heard the muffled sound of his jeep rumbling and drifting further away into the stormy morning. I sighed, putting my head in my hands. Maybe now I could get on with my life, finish high school and get into a good college, preferably far from Nick. Forget about him and life goes on.
My phone vibrated in my pocket, pulling me from my thoughts. I fished my phone from my wet jeans, seeing it was Travis on caller ID. I rejected the call, not wanting to talk to anybody at the moment. My phone vibrated once again from a text message this time, also from Travis.