“Dude what the fuck. Nick just told me you guys broke up? Why? Call me when you see this.”
I shook my head, turning off my phone. I didn’t want to deal with any of it at the moment. I got up, taking off my wet clothes and walking to the bathroom. I filled up the tub with warm water, hoping a long soak would calm my mind and get me in control of my emotions. As I sat in the warm water, I took deep long breaths, telling myself that I was okay, but I wasn’t.
Each breath gave me this weird feeling of emptiness within my chest, like a void was left and what it was filled with was sadness. Each breath made me feel suffocated instead of relieved. I felt my eyes water again.
I got out after thirty minutes, the soak doing nothing but giving me prune fingers and making me feel sadder than I already was. I dried myself, walking to my dresser to pick out some clothes. On top of the pile was a t-shirt I had totally forgotten about. I held up Nick’s t-shirt, the one he had let me wear at the botanical garden. Looking at it brought back so many memories of Nick, of our visit to the botanical garden, our trip to his mom’s and about that amazing night we shared together.
I pulled the fabric to my face inhaling, his faint scent still infused within the fibers. I controlled my emotions as the tears threatened to flow once again. I pulled on the shirt before climbing into bed, settling into a fetal position, hugging my pillow tight for comfort.
I tried not to think about Nick but still he made his way into my mind without inhibitions. I tried focusing on the reason why I did it. I did it so I wouldn’t lose Nick. I repeated that in my head over and over.
I did it so I wouldn’t lose Nick.
I did it so I wouldn’t lose Nick.
I did it so I wouldn’t lose Nick.
But the fact of the matter was, I already did.