Again that look… Right… I should be careful about double meanings today. I didn’t want to tease him. I just genuinely didn’t realize it all.
“We trained Thomas. Well, I mean gym-wise. They are sick! I never exercised so hard! I think if I were in my prime, I would have a problem keeping up with them.”
His look has become softer now. “Yeah, they are quite driven, especially if Ross came to deal with anger.”
“It helped… A lot, actually.”
Thomas smiled. “I am glad.”
.
I nodded. “Still, it wasn’t anywhere near as being with you.” I looked at him, but he just gazed at me.
“Then Peter came down, and they invited me for lunch. We talked a lot. They are amazing. They care about you a great deal.”
Thomas watched me, resting his head in his palm over the backrest.
“I was a bit scared at some point, to be honest. It was as if I talked with your two big brothers and understanding sister,” I laughed a little.
Thomas’s lips curved into a warm smile. “That’s nice.”
“What did Peter tell you?”
“For example, they were shocked that I even saw your bed. They immediately switched to those protective brothers when I told them I had spent the night. Well, Peter told me about his tries to get back to you. But mostly, they said one thing that I had to admit… If I am not willing to become gay for you, I have no right to hold you. I realized that I do tend to hurt people who love me… I don’t want to do that to you.”
He looked at me as if I was saying something he never expected of me. I could understand that now.
“Thank you…”
.
But even despite all my efforts, I couldn’t shake the sadness I felt realizing that. Was I really able to give him up?
“Still, Thomas, I can’t stop thinking about you! Many people told me they love me, but I never cared about anyone’s confession as I did about yours. It’s making me crazy just to sit here next to you.”
“Yet you cannot imagine spending life without women.”
I shook my head. “No… I cannot. I believe if you were a woman, I would be faithful to you, but then I could never do the things to you that I did… So I don’t think there’s a win in this, and I believe you don’t want to share me with anyone.”
“No. I would never want that.”
“They refused to tell me why you hate straight people.”
“I don’t hate straight people, Matt.”
“Okay, right. Why don’t you want to date straight people?”
“Well, that is quite self-explanatory, Matt.”
I looked at him sternly. “You know what I mean, Thomas.”
He sighed and leaned against the backrest looking in front of him.
“When I was a freshman at college, I fell in love with one guy. Derek. A bad boy who loved pain, and I loved giving it to him. I assumed he was bi, but now when I met you, I started to believe that he was really straight.”
“I was his best-kept secret for over a year. I hated it. I kept punishing him for it every time, and it never was enough for either one of us. After a while, I realized how toxic this was. It was destroying me inside. So I broke it off. He came crawling back, but then he found a girlfriend, and that was the line I refused to cross.”
He shrugged his shoulders and sat straight. “Part of me hated him, but I couldn’t stop loving him at the same time. It was mental… Then I decided I would never date anyone who was not out of the closet. And then there was one guy that was bi. I couldn’t help but feel that it was just a phase for him from the way he was acting, and I didn’t want to indulge in that. That’s where the “bi-part” of my rules came from. The rest of my dating history was keeping these rules, and I was satisfied with that and never saw the need for change.”
“Until me.”
“No, Matt. I won’t let you change that.” He looked gently but resolutely into my eyes.
“I see.”
“Was that also when you developed a taste for sadism?”
“No.” Thomas smiled.
“Then why? Have you been hurt?”
He looked at me thoughtfully, observed me, and caressed my hair.
“No, I had a happy childhood, and my parents are the most amazing people you could meet, Matt. My mom is the nicest nurse, and my dad used to be a regular accountant before he retired. I grew up with my little sister and two cats about an hour’s drive from here. My parents never raised their hand at my sister or me, and they supported every decision we ever made. Of course, I don’t talk with them about my sex life, but I never went through some trauma as I believe you did.”
I looked away, and he waited.
“Then why?”
Thomas just smiled. “I believe I am just wired differently than most people. I was always like that, I think. But I am not a psychopath. I enjoy seeing people in pain, and it’s arousing for me more than anything, but I still yearn for intimacy. I care about them and understand the consequences that could have on the wrong person. That is why I spent a long time learning about it, trying to understand that and find a way to be happy while not hurting anyone around me,” he smiled lightly.
“I discovered that just as there are people like me, there are people of the opposite spectrum. People who derive pleasure from being hurt. Peter was surprised that you’ve been in my bedroom because I don’t let anyone in there until I am positive that my way of pleasure is really for them. I don’t want to develop feelings for the wrong person and harm them in the end.”
“The way I usually had sex and relationship, for that matter, is not for everyone, even though many may think they are up for that in the beginning. It takes time for each person in a relationship to be really themselves in front of the partner. We all try to look like we are more compatible with the person we want than we actually are. If I don’t consider this, I may damage them.”
“Then why was it different with me?”
“I can’t tell you honestly, Matt. It just was, and it scares me. The way you look at me, I know you are troubled. You struggle with something deep and heavy, and I can somehow see the lines with you. Or I believe I can.”
“I believe as well that you do,” I looked at him sincerely.
I still hated the idea of giving up completely…
“Then why can’t we try it?”
“I would love that, with everything you make me feel. Matt, no one ever made me feel like you did. I love that, but we are getting to the main issue. You are not gay. You get relief from pain in the most magnificent way for me, and with that, you brought me the release I never knew I needed before I met you. If you were gay, I would never let you go. I am worried about how much I would be able to sacrifice to be with you. But you are not gay, Matt. I believe that you are not. And I know I cannot sacrifice one thing, sharing you with a woman and seeing you fall in love with her while I am just a stress relief for you. Not to mention your secret.”
“Brandon knows about you,” I muttered.
“And who else, except my friends, whom I practically forced you to meet?”
I turned, knowing very well how right he was.
I took his hand in mine and trailed the vein with my finger. I was sad… He watched me with a calm look. “Can’t you at least stay work for me?” I looked at him.
Thomas shook his head. “No. It’s getting too much now. And it’s getting too fast.”