“What do you mean?”
“Matt, I liked you since the day you took me to the IT office and started that new laptop for me. I grew more and more appreciation toward you daily. You are weird and impulsive, and you don’t have a filter, but the way you care about people in your team and how you can fight for what you think is right is striking for me. Even when I was angry with you, I could still see your twisted point, and I had to appreciate that.”
He gently removed my hands from his forearm. “Not to mention that if I had to describe the physical attributes of the perfect guy for me, you would fit that picture hundred percent. The way you smell made it hard for me to be close to you every time you were near. Matt, I was genuinely grateful that you were straight since you were engaged and my boss!”
I couldn’t help but smile.
“But I saw how you looked at me, and it was confusing. I tried to think clearly, but you kept saying how beautiful I was to you. You kept staring at my arms and neck, and once you nearly kissed me, damn it!” He crossed his arms.
“I started to think you are bi, at least, but after we talked and you assured me you are straight, I knew this was not a good idea. I don’t need this.”
.
“So you liked me all that time? I do think you are beautiful. I don’t think that way about men. I was honestly surprised by how attracted I was to you, Thomas. But when we first slept together, I understood I can never be like that with anyone else.”
“That was the reason I let you in my bed. I saw that, and it was making me crazy! I wanted to get it out of my system. I wanted to get a release and see that it was not worth it. I didn’t dare to keep you for months in my basement. That was the reason why I agreed to let you fuck me, actually. I needed you to hurt me and make me see it’s not for me! I never liked pain inflicted on me apart from that struggle before overpowering my subs.”
I didn’t like where this was going. How many times has he tried to get rid of me…?
“You didn’t know I never let anyone top me. The way you attacked me back then made me positive that I would be able to resent you or at least not want you after you would take control and hurt me. But you fucking made love to me that night!”
.
He stood up in frustration and towered over me as if he was trying to make me feel guilty about choosing not to be a dick. It’s true that I intended to overpower him initially, but I was so glad I didn’t do that when I found out it was his first.
“I never had sex like that, damn it! Seriously! Whenever I think I find something to make this toxic thing between us end, you do something that sweeps me off my feet, and I hate it! I seriously hate it! Do you realize we’ve spent only a single weekend together and then one day after that suit fitting? And look how we act! Why the fuck did you come that Christmas?!”
“I was missing you.”
“Fuck you, Matt. I can’t do this! I am seriously getting crazy! I wanted to cool down and be apart from you for at least that fucking month to sober up! But no chance!”
“Should I feel sorry about that, Thomas?”
“You are playing with my feelings, Matt, but worse is, I cannot even be mad at you because I genuinely believe you don’t know you do it.”
“I knew you liked me. I just never knew any of this….”
“Look, Matt. I am too old for a pubertal crush. I don’t want this in my life.”
I just nodded.
“So you don’t want to be with me cos you love me. Makes perfect sense.” I felt upset now.
“Stop twisting it, Matt. I don’t want to be with you because you could never love me the same way, and everything we have is plain toxic.”
.
“Why are you then telling me all this?”
“I don’t know, I am trying a new approach. When I have a problem with something, what helps me is getting to know as much as possible about it. I dive into research, and understanding helps me move on or get to terms with it. I am trying to give you all the information you may need to try and move on. Once there is no vague uncertainty, the trill of the unknown somehow fades. Now there is nothing more you need to uncover. You just need to realize that this doesn’t have any perspective.”
“I understand. So what now?”
“Now, would you please stop making it harder for me?”
“And what about what is hard for me?” I looked accusingly at him.
“What do you mean?”
“What can I do with everything that surfaced from this for me?”
“I don’t follow. You again switched into metaphoric Matt.” He let his arms fall to his waist.
I looked at him stunned and burst out laughing! He looked shocked and watched me laugh with a confused smile.
.
“I am sorry; it’s just the way you said it. It was priceless. You are right; I get like that sometimes. I meant that since I slept with you, things I buried deep within me, urges I suppressed with great effort, are back, and I don’t know how to deal with them without you.”
“I am sorry, Matt, but I am not the answer you are looking for. This would eventually destroy both of us. There are people who could help you if you’d let them. Being with me, I think you only try to cover one trauma with another.”
That annoyed me.
“I don’t need a shrink!” I snarled. I hate when people say that to me!