A gay story: Loving James Ch. 01 This is the first of a four part story about Alex and James. I hope to have the next three posted within the next few weeks!
Chapter 1- Wanting James
Alex:
“Do you even think he likes me?” I asked Andrew glumly at his party. We were standing in the hall of his house, watching people dancing. James was in the middle of it all, making a total fool of himself and looking incredibly hot doing so. He was quite obviously not a dancer.
Andrew was one of James’ close friends. They’d gone to primary school together and I’d been at high school with him, and we’d all started hanging out at uni. For them it had been something of a reunion. And I’d spent every moment trying to get them to like me enough to include me. At least, that’s what it felt like.
They’d fallen out of contact at different high schools, and then once they got to uni it was like the fact that Andrew was a drama freak and James was an athlete didn’t matter. I’d been at school with James, but we hadn’t really been friends in any sense of the word, even if we’d been friendly enough. Our groups hadn’t really mixed.
All the same, I’d known James was the one for as long as I’d known him. How could I not have known? He was a god amongst men. He was gorgeous and friendly, quiet and sweet. He was taller than me, muscled, had beautiful soulful eyes… I got half hard every time I saw him. I’d been in love with him for years, and he’d only come out just over a year and a half ago. And as far as I knew, he’d never had a boyfriend.
I badly wanted him to be mine, but he didn’t seem to think of me as anything other than a friend.
Andrew sighed. “You’re going to have to ask him.”
“What,” I said bitterly. “Because he’s secretly in love with me, too? I’m a fucking geek, a twink who’s just a target for the bi-curious andhe’s-”
“Take it easy,” Andrew said, gripping my shoulder with a frown. I don’t really know how he’d figured it out. I hadn’t been able to deny it, though, and somehow it had almost brought us closer. Well, he seemed to think it did. All the advice he gave me… the prodding. Ugh. “If you need to know how he feels then you’re going to have to do something. Ask him.”
Yeah, right. As if I could. And run the very real risk of losing him as a friend too?
It was impossible. I was loud and obviously gay and I didn’t give a damn who knew it. I said whatever popped into my head and I couldn’t stop myself. The only exception was when it came to James. I shook my head in disgust. Hanging around with him and pretending I wasn’t desperately in love with him- if that was all I could ever have, then I didn’t want to ruin it.
“I’d rather not.” I said sourly. “We all know how well that’s worked for me in the past.”
“You want him or not?” Andrew shot back. I did. I really did. It was getting worse, too. Coffee or lunch every few days wasn’t enough. It had never been enough, but I’d managed to lie to myself for this long. “It’s been a year and a half since he came out and you’re still sitting back and just waiting for someone else to snap him up so you can moan about that too. Just man up and ask him out already.” Ouch.
I didn’t reply. I didn’t like hard truths.
“God, you piss me off, sometimes.” He growled.
No, I wasn’t going to reply to that, either.
Finally, Andrew sighed. “We’ll make it a dare.” He said slowly.
“What?” I asked. Now he had my interest.
Andrew grinned at me, and turned back to look at James dancing like an idiot.
A dare.
I couldn’t hide a smile.
James:
“Hey,” Alex said, coming up to me.
“Hellooooo,” I said, then laughed because I had never ever noticed what a funny word that was. And because he had red hair. Red hair was funny. And his was red red red. Spiky red. Did he know how funny it was? I put my arm around his shoulders so I could lean on him. The world was tilting slightly. Waaaay too much dancing; phew…
“What’s up?” I asked.
“I’ve been playing truth or dare.”
“Hey, fun!” I said. I hadn’t played that for years! Not since primary school!
“Well,” he said with a grin. “You’re mine.”
I grinned back at him. I didn’t really know what he was talking about but he was smiling too and I was feeling really good. This was a great party!
“They’re going to count to twenty, right?” he asked. Twenty? I wasn’t sure what he meant, but I looked around and everyone was looking at us and laughing and talking. Weird. I didn’t mind though. Just a little bit of alcohol and they could look all they liked.
How come I’d never tried this before? This was great! I was never this brave. I never danced.
“Ready?” Alex asked. Huh?
I looked at him, wondering what was going on.
Alex smiled at me and I felt his hand slide behind my head. I opened my mouth to ask him what he was doing when suddenly his lips were on mine and there was tongue. He was kissing me? I went to pull away but his hand on my head kept me close and our teeth clashed and then his tongue skimmed lightly along mine and my stomach dropped with longing and suddenly I was kissing him back, trying to taste him and get him closer and grabbing fistfuls of his shirt and I wanted to feel his soft skin but his clothes were in the way and he tasted so good and therehadto be a way to get closer to him – and suddenly there was noise everywhere and Alex was pulling away, laughing, and people were around us.
Where had they come from? And why were they cheering? I leant on Alex more heavily and he was speaking to Andrew while I grinned at him and then we were somewhere else, dimmer and quieter and he was smiling at me.
“Been kissed before?” Alex asked quietly.
“Noooo.” I drew the word out for emphasis. I grinned. I’d finally been kissed. And it had only taken 19 years.
“Sorry.” Alex said. “If I’d known it was your first kiss I’d have done better.”
“Better how?” I asked. Kissing was awesome! And he wantedbetter?
Alex took a deep breath. “Like this.” he said and leant in to kiss me again. I met him- this was great!- but he pulled away, laughing. “Take it easy, you jerk.” He said. “Start slow, ok? Less tongue or you’re going to choke me.” I nodded. I could do that. I would do anything for more kisses.
We kissed more slowly. He tasted so good, felt so warm. His tongue was doing all sorts of awesome things… I was feeling more and more aroused and more and more sleepy. It was a really, really good feeling.
Alex’s hand slid down my shirt and hit the waist of my jeans. I moaned and my knees went weak as his hand cupped me through my jeans. No one had touched me there before…
I reached for him, but he was pulling away.
“Want to do that to you.” I mumbled. I sounded weird.
“Trust me,” Alex murmured, kissing my cheeks. “Youaredoing that to me.” I didn’t know what he meant because my hands were nowhere near his dick but he grinned and pulled away again. “Wait here for me. Then I promise we’ll keep going.” he said. “Don’t move. I’ll be one minute.”
“Where’re-”
“Bathroom.” He grimaced.
“No, no, noooo.” I tried to catch him, clung to him. I didn’t want him to leave me for a second, not one, not a single one.
Alex giggled. “Babe,” he murmured. “I have to piss, while I’d really like to see you naked and have you see me naked, Andrew’s bathroom in the middle of his party is not the right time. Wait here, alright? I’ll be back soon.”
” ‘K.” I agreed glumly. He’d called me ‘babe’. That was weird. But good weird. I was all warm and fuzzy.
Alex vanished and I looked around. We were in a small room on our own. Where had the party gone? I wandered towards the doorway and down the hall.
Ah. Here was the party.
“You lose Alex?” Someone asked, laughing. I nodded and they passed me a shot. Mmm. Shot was sticky and sweet. More?
Ah yes. More. Mmmm.
People laughing and talking. Couldn’t quite make out the words.
There was Andrew! “Hi Andrew!” I said, grinning. Andrew looked worried.
“Where’s Alex?” he asked.
Alex? Where was Alex? I looked around hastily. The room moved. Whoops!
“Whoa, there,” Andrew said, grabbing my shoulder. Mm- there was beer on the table. Beer was good. I reached for it. Oh- beer moved.
“That’s mine.”
“Josh!” I said happily. He was holding the beer very tightly. His beer. That was ok. Josh was nice. Oops- feet were so big! Arm around his shoulder. Ah yes- much easier to stand.
“Hey have you-” I knew that voice!
“Alex!” I said happily. I liked Alex. He was funny. He had funny hair, too.
“Oh.” He said. Why wasn’t he happy?
“How much has he had to drink?” Josh asked. Oh, someone had had too much to drink, but who?
” I don’t know.” Alex said slowly. They turned to look at me.
Oh. Me? “Oh.” I said, waved my hand. Casual was good. Act casual. Josh had to duck. Not so good. “Um….” That was a veeeery good question.
“I’ll get some water.” Andrew said. “Or coffee.”
Had Andrew always been there? All my friends were. All my favourite guys. Gays. Ha ha! I laughed. How come I’d never noticed how funny I was?
“On second thoughts,” Andrew said as I giggled. “Maybe you should take him home.”
“I don’t think he can stand up.” Josh said. He let go of me and the world dipped. Wheee! Someone caught me and I clung to them. That was fun!
“If he can’t stand up then I won’t be able to get him home.” Alex groused.
“I’ll help.” Andrew said. “Can we take him to yours?”
“Yeah. I suppose that’s the best idea.”
The air was cold. I shuddered and moaned. People laughed.
“You awake?”
“Ummm.” I didn’t feel so good. Sleepy. Sick.
“You’re ok.” Alex said gently.
“Alex.” I managed with a smile. I liked Alex. And he was being so nice…
There was laughter. Hm. Andrew?
Alex’s hallway. Stairs. They were tricky. Parents’ rooms.
Alex’s room.
Alex’s soft, soft, bed….
Alex:
I woke up to the sound of my floorboards creaking.
James. I went cold all over.
Was he leaving?
I lay very still and listened to him. My heart was pounding. What would I do if he left? Pretend I was still asleep? Go after him?
The relief I felt when he only went into the bathroom left me feeling weak.
He came back to bed.
The bed shifted beneath me as he climbed back in. I heard him sigh. The sound sent shivered down my skin. It was a contented sound, one I wanted to hear again and again and again.
I lay there for a few moments, letting my imagination run wild. I wanted to open my eyes and find him watching me, smiling, waiting for me to wake up so he could kiss me good morning.
I mean, ideally he wouldn’t have fallen asleep so quick last night. We would’ve made out at the party some more, and then we’d have come back here… but he didn’t handle alcohol very well.
But that didn’t matter now. He was really here.
I opened my eyes, a smile ready on my lips.
James was lying on his front, his head underneath a pillow. Ah.
” ‘Wake?” I muttered softly. I wanted to reach out and stroke the line of his spine. I didn’t.
“Mm,” was all I got in response. I watched him. He was going to look up any minute now. He was going to look up and smile and kiss me. He was going to pull me into his arms and tell me I promised him that we’d keep going last night and I was going to pretend that I didn’t remember that bit. And we’d both smile because we knew it wasn’t true and-
“My heat hurts,” James mumbled. I smiled. He was so cute when he was hung over and pitiful.
“Christ, you really are a lightweight.”
“Fuck off.” He mumbled. “I never drink.” I waited quietly, my heart sinking only slightly. I waited for him to say something else.ThenI imagined we’d get to the kissing part. “Did- did we kiss last night?”
I couldn’t read his tone and I couldn’t see his face, but all the same I was worried. He had to remember. Didn’t he? Maybe he really didn’t- had he been that drunk by then?
“Um. Yeah.” I answered cautiously. I didn’t want to sound happy about it if he was going to regret it. But I didn’t want to sound like it was a mistake if there was the slightest possibility he might ever kiss me again. I sounded hesitant, even to myself.
There was a silence, then a deep rumbling chuckle.
He waslaughing?
I stopped breathing. No. No, he couldn’t be.
His chuckle got bigger. He was definitely laughing now, his head still under that pillow, or he’d have been able to see the hurt on my face. I wasn’t hiding it. I couldn’t.
He was laughing. This was so far from my dreams that I couldn’t even scrape up a smile. This was a nightmare. Every hope I’d harboured had been dashed. Every possibility of him loving me was gone.
I felt hollow. I felt sick. My heart was being cut to pieces with every sound of mirth that escaped him. It wasn’t that he didn’t remember, and it wasn’t that he thought things were going too fast, or even that he just wanted to be friends. He thought it wasfunny.
Was it that ridiculous? I wanted to ask him if I was so undesirable that he didn’t think anyone mightwantto kiss me? Was it that unbelievable?
Apparently it was. Apparently it was laughable. Completely inconceivable.
I didn’t care if it was. James was my friend. I was in love with him and he was laughing at the very possibility that anyone might want me.
He wasn’t supposed to laugh. And he was laughing as if I were a freak.
The fucking bastard.
I rolled onto my front and buried my face in my pillow. I held my breath to combat the tightness in my throat and squeezed my eyes shut.
This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be.
James stopped laughing. Finally. I was in agony.
“Alex?” he asked. “You ok?”
“Don’t feel too good.” I replied. Which was as close to the truth as he was ever going to get. I made my way off the bed and rubbed my eyes.
“Going to have a shower.” I muttered and left him there without turning to face him. I was red and if he saw me then I was going to completely break down…
I scrubbed the smell of sweat and beer and smoke off my skin and out of my hair, turned my face up under the water and fought to get back in control. I couldn’t cry in front of him. I couldn’t.
James was sitting on the end of my bed when I came out, dressed still. I pulled on some jeans and a shirt and quickly ran fingers through my hair.
“I want to go back to Andrew’s.” I lied. It was somewhere to go. Somewhere other than here. “Help clean up.”
James nodded. “I’ve got an appointment.” He said. “I’ll go back to college first so I can shower and change.” I nodded and we headed out.
Neither of us said much. I bet James was suffering from his hangover.
At the corner where James was turning he stopped and put his hand on my arm.
“Alex,” he said. My heart leapt into my mouth. “Thanks for letting me crash at your place.”
“Yeah.” I answered glumly. “Anytime you’re too pissed to get home. That’s what I’m here for. See you later.”
I marched onwards to Andrew’s, forgetting that I hadn’t exactly intended to go there anyway. I was furious. Somehow it had become his fault that this hadn’t worked out.
I banged on his door and had time to get impatient and bang again before he opened it.
He blinked at me. “Some of us didn’t get to bed as early as you did, Alex.” He said acidly, rubbing his eyes.
I stared at him, assaulted again by the actual image of James sprawled across my bed, totally insensate with alcohol, juxtaposed with my fantasy images of us in bed this morning.
I breathed deeply. What was I doing here, really? Why had I come?
“Alex?” Andrew asked. I swallowed hard past the lump in my throat. “Where’s James? What-”
“He went home.” I snapped. “Right after he asked if we kissed last night and then just about killed himselflaughing.”
“Oh.” Andrew said, suddenly looking so sympathetic I wanted to scream. I turned and marched down his path. I had to get out of there. “Alex- Alex, wait!” Andrew called and ran after me in last night’s t shirt and his underwear. Stupid skinny pale legged bastard. “Come in.” he said. I shook my head, but he steered me inside anyway.
He sat me on the couch in the middle of the lounge room, which still reeked like stale beer and old smoke.
“Tell me what happened.” He demanded.
“I already did.” I snapped. “And it’s pretty hard to imagine it going any worse.”
“He could have clocked you one.” Andrew said. I hated him so much, right then I nearly clockedhimone. “What do you mean, he laughed? What happened?”
“I told you. We woke up and he asked if we kissed last night and I said yes. And then he laughed like it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard in his whole entire life. As if it wasfunnythat it happened, like it never would have happened if he’d been sober, like it was totally unthinkable because no one would everwantto kiss me, not unless they were totally drunk and-”
“Stop.” Andrew said loudly. “That’s crap and you know it!”
“Do I? I always attract the freaks and the cheaters and the bi-curious and that’s it, so there’s obviouslysomethingto it because otherwise he wouldn’t have-”
“Alex, stop,” Andrew said more wearily.
“NO.” I said, jumping up. “This isyourfault.” I said, conveniently ignoring the hand I’d played in this. “Your great scheme and you’ve ruinedeverything. And now I amofficiallythe most pathetic guy in the whole world. I hope you’re happy.” I finished venomously and left, slamming the door behind me.
Yeah. Melodramatic or what?
Guilt burned in my gut but I needed to be angry at someone and right now it was Andrew.
I hoped he understood.
I went home and ignored my mum when she tried to talk to me. She muttered something about a hangover to her sister Sal and I ignored that too and went upstairs.
I lay on my bed where James had and pulled his pillow over my head and breathed in deeply. I wanted to be able to smell him, to inhale him. I couldn’t. I could only smell the stale smells of smoke and alcohol.
I fought the tears for a long time, but in the end, the tears won.
By dinnertime Sal had figured out that it wasn’t a hangover.
She knocked on my door and found me still hugging that damn pillow when she came in.
“You alright, Alex?” she asked, peering around the door. I didn’t reply, but somehow I couldn’t stop myself from shaking slightly. All I wanted was to cry and cry until the pain in my heart went away.
She came in. “Alex?” she asked. I said nothing. I was biting my fist, silently shaking with the effort of suppressing my sobs. She sat down on the other side of my bed, put her hand on my back, and I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I gasped for breath and sobbed aloud. “Alex.” She said sadly and moved around. She perched next to me and stroked my hair off my forehead. She didn’t try and get me to talk, she didn’t tell me everything was ok. She just sat with me and tucked the covers over me and let me cry myself out.
When I finally stopped I was still hiccupping slightly.
” You wanna talk?” she offered. I liked Sal. She was so solid. So reliable.
“No.”
“Ok.” She said, and laid down next to me. I hugged my pillow more tightly.
“You know James?” I finally said on a breath. My body was still shaking.
“Yeah.” She answered.
“I- I love him.” I gasped out. “I love him, and he… he doesn’t…”
“Oh, kiddo,” Sal said sadly and rubbed my shoulders. I tried to breathe normally again, but every breath hurt. My throat hurt and my eyes burned and my heart… my heart was in little tiny pieces… “You want to tell me about it?”
I didn’t and I did all at once. “Andrew- Andrew dared me to k-kiss him. At the party. So I did. But he kissed me back.” I sucked air into my protesting lungs and forced myself to go on with the story. “So we kept kissing. It was… m-mutual. And he had too much to drink, so we came here. And he passed out. But this morning, he didn’t remember. And he asked me if we kissed… and I said yes and he laughed… he laughed like it was the funniest thingever…” I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed my face back into the pillow.
Sal kept rubbing my shoulders. “So what are you going to do?” she asked. So much for comfort.
“I don’t know. I don’t know.”
“Here’s how I see it.” She said firmly. “You’ve got three options. Option one. You go and see him and tell him how you feel.” I shook my head in protest but she kept going. Nothing would stop her now. “Either he feels the same, he only wants to be your friend, or he never wants to see you again. Option two. You pretend it’s as funny to you as it is to him. He never knows how you feel, so you won’t know how he feels, but you’ll probably get to keep him as a friend. Or option three. You make the decision to walk away and never see him again. You don’t get to be friends, but you get to try and move on and get over him.”
Where was the option where he definitely loved me? Where this was all some huge mistake? Where was my happily ever after?
I stayed silent. “I know it sucks, kiddo.” She said gently. “Love’s a bitch.” I managed a watery smile. “You want some cookies? I’ve got some hidden. We can have ourselves a picnic.”
I nodded. I really liked Aunt Sal. Mum would have been trying to get me to tell her how I felt, and there was nothing I wanted less. Mum would have fussed and fretted. Sal was reliable. Strong. Practical. And somehow caring at the same time.
My dad walked out on my mum when she was pregnant. She was flighty and irresponsible and living from pay check to pay check and off whatever money she got off my dad. I have a feeling he may have already been married, but mum didn’t cope. Sal moved in then and took charge. She’s been in charge ever since. She’s older than mum, never married, never had children. I don’t think she cares. And anyway- she’s got me. I’m fairly sure I make up for there being no other kids around here.
Sal went downstairs and I pulled on my pyjamas and an ancient dressing gown of hers that I’d stolen. I washed my face and then practiced some breathing exercises. I was still breathing like I’d run a mile. Not that I ran.
When Sal came back I was much calmer. She had a tray with 2 hot chocolates, some toasted cheese sandwiches and the promised cookies. And god it smelt good.
She grinned at me, her round cheeks dimpling. I smiled back.
“Thanks.” I said, as she placed it carefully on my bed. She snorted.
“Don’t thank me too soon.” She said. “I haven’t started eating yet.”
James:
I didn’t see Alex for a few days after Andrew’s party, and when I did he acted funny. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but he seemed… embarrassed? Upset?
“Hi.” I said to him, sitting next to him on the lawn. I was trying to act normal, but the truth was that his hair was messed up on one side and strangely enough, they were x rated reasons for this that popped into my head.
He picked up his book and shut it quickly.
“Hi.” He said quickly, looking at me with slightly narrowed eyes. “You’re obviously feeling better.” He sounded slightly snide and I wondered why. He was feeling better, wasn’t he?
“Yeah.” I said with a smile. “Just keep me away from the booze next time, yeah?” Alex gave a brief smile then looked at his phone to check the time.
“I’ve gotta go.” He said, stuffing his book in his bag and getting up.
“Oh. I didn’t think you had class now?”
“I don’t. Meeting someone.” He said briefly.
I stared at him. But-wenormally had lunch on Tuesdays. I guess I was waiting for him to crack a grin and laugh at me, invite me along. Or maybe tell me about some hot guy he’d finally asked out. He didn’t.
He gave me the briefest ghost of a smile and then turned and walked away.
I was totally taken aback, but I sat there and thought about it and I came to the conclusion that he was obviously a bit weirded out by what had happened at the party.
Maybe he just needed some space.
Truth be told I was a bit weirded out as well. I could hardly remember the damn kiss, had no idea what had happened, and I was waking up rock hard every morning and dreaming of Alex every night.
Which was kind of weird seeing as how we were friends and I’d never thought of him like that before.
I didn’t call or text him at all over the next few days. I didn’t see him for lunch or grab a coffee with him. I didn’t see him for dinner or in between classes. It was like he didn’t exist.
I didn’t like it at all.
We’d become good friends at uni, and I wasn’t prepared for just how out of depth I felt without him around.
I saw him again the next week at a pizza night.
He saw me come in, and he looked at me then looked back at Josh and determinedly continued his conversation. I saw Andrew look between us with a frown and I wondered what he knew.
Josh left Alex on his own when Evert walked in, so I had a chance to speak to him. I went over before he could move away. He seemed reluctant, but he pasted a smile to his face.
“Hi.” He said.
“Hey.” I said. Well, this was awkward. “So. We’re ok, right?” Alex nodded, still smiling.
“Of course.” He said, and started talking about whatever it was Josh and he’d been talking about.
I wanted to tell him that it was fine, that it didn’t need to be awkward between us, but he chattered like he was nervous or like he was just trying to fill silences and didn’t hang around long enough for me to get a word in.
I blinked at his back as he went to talk to Elspeth about something he’d ‘just remembered’, then looked around the room. Andrew had been looking at me, but quickly turned his gaze away.
I went and joined the group of people he was with. He smiled at me uneasily.
“Can I talk to you?” I asked. He hesitated, then nodded. We went over towards the fridge pretending to get drinks. Andrew got a beer. He passed me a coke. I gave a weak grin.
“So what’s going on?” he said. Crap.
“I was hoping you could tell me.” I said glumly.
“What happened at the party?” he asked.
“I don’t remember much at all. I remember dancing… and…”
“And?” he asked.
“Well.” I was blushing. “Alex and I… apparently kissed. And now he’s acting all weird. I must have said something. I don’t know. I was drunk, though. Is he holding it against me?” Andrew chewed his lip. “We’re friends, right? I thought he’d forgive me for whatever happened.” Andrew nodded.
“Look. Maybe he just… needs some time. To cool off. Or whatever. Alex is… you know how moody he gets.”
“Right.” I said. But never for this long. Not my Alex. His moods lasted for around ten minutes before he ran out of steam and was bitching about something else or was laughing again. And it had already been a week.
Andrew gave me a quick smile and drifted off to speak to someone else.
I looked around. Alex had apparently left.
I did corner him a few days later. I missed him.
He’d bought a coffee at the café near the library and sat down at a table in the sun. I waited until he’d taken a sip and dropped into the chair opposite.
“Hi.” I said. He choked and tried to swallow. He frowned at me, but took another sip rather than reply.
“You know,” I said gently, taking advantage of his silence. “It doesn’t need to be weird between us. Andrew’s party- it didn’t mean anything. We’d had too much to drink and it just happened. It’s ok. I understand.”
He looked at me a moment, his big eyes unreadable. They were very, very blue under his vivid shock of red hair. I thought his bottom lip might have trembled but I wasn’t sure.
“Yeah.” He said slowly. His voice wasn’t quite normal. “Right. Well. I don’t know if that’s going to work.” My heart sank. He got up. I reached for his arm but he jerked away from me. I was so shocked by the look of loathing that flashed across his face that I didn’t try again. I didn’t say his name or ask him what was wrong like I’d meant to. I stared in shock as he whirled and departed from the café in haste.
I sat at the table on my own, feeling incredibly stupid. I hadn’t imagined that look. I’d known he was acting funny, that he didn’t talk to me like he used to- but I hadn’t expected him tohateme. One drunken kiss and our friendship was over. I couldn’t believe it. Why was he so upset? It hadn’t meant anything. I could hardly remember it at all…
I stared at his untouched coffee and wondered why it seemed to matter so much to him. And why it should matter at all.
We were friends. He was the closest thing to a best friend I’d ever had in my whole life. And somehow I’d ruined it.
I sighed heavily and promised myself I wouldn’t drink like that again.
For all the good that would do for my relationship with Alex.