She told me to go wash my hands and then put on gloves and she did the same. After everything was set and ready, we tried to position El in a way that would be more comfortable for her by placing more pillows behind her and having her sitting semi-reclined. This proved to be more difficult than we had anticipated. El was still only half conscious and not really aware of what was going on. She fought us and kept mumbling to her herself and whimpering in pain. I tried to explain to her what we were doing but she didn’t seem to understand.
At one point, I began to panic and insisted that we call for help. El should be in a hospital, we couldn’t do this ourselves. Lilian slapped me across the face and told me to shut up or she’d have Thomas deal with me, whatever that meant. I nodded and apologized. I didn’t complain or argue again after that.
For the next, I don’t know how long, hours it seemed, Lilian barked orders at me and I followed them all without fail. I moved like an android, not thinking for myself, not feeling, just moving, doing what I was told and trying my best not to break down. The entire night passed by in a fog and even now I have trouble piecing together all the details.
El’s contractions came closer together and she screamed and howled as one after another tore through her. Lilian yelled at her to stop screaming and push. She actually seemed angry, as if all this was El’s fault. I wanted to cry for her but I had to stay calm and composed. I stayed by El’s side through most of it, holding her hand and trying to keep her calm. Lilian handled most of the delivery for which I was grateful. There was so much blood and I had no clue what to do anyway. I’d never seen a birth let alone assisted in one.
Finally, just as the sun began to rise, lighting up the world outside, El’s baby came into the world. He was silent at first and panic gripped me hard. Then Lilian cleared his airway with the syringe and he let out the loudest, most beautiful wail I had ever heard in my life. Lilian clamped and cut the cord then wrapped him in a soft, clean towel and handed him off to me. She told me to run a warm bath and clean him up while she attended to El. I did as instructed and rushed the baby to the bathroom.
When the water was warm enough, I filled the tub enough to cover the bottom, then unwrapped the baby and carefully lowered him into the water. He was so small but lively and I had to smile at this adorable, pink, squirming thing in my hands. I just couldn’t believe how perfect he was, how precious and I thought about how proud El will be once she gets to hold him.
I supported his head with one hand and washed him with the other. When I was done, I patted him dry and wrapped him again in another dry, clean, towel. Lilian handed me a first aide kit and told me to bandage the umbilical cord and then dress the baby. I worked quickly getting him fix up and dressed in a cute blue sleeper with little bunnies on it. It came with a matching hat that I slipped over his tiny head. Once he was dressed, I wrapped him in a receiving blanket then sat down in the nursery and rocked him.
Stephen and Thomas had gone by that time so I was alone. Lilian was still with El, tending to her as I tended to the baby. For the first time in hours I allowed myself to feel again and I was suddenly overwhelmed by my emotions. The baby slept in my arms while I cried. I cried so long and so hard I didn’t think I would ever stop crying. I think, that night, I cried more than I had ever cried in my whole life.
The baby remained asleep in my arms as I continued to rock him. He was so small, barely a whisper in the crook of my arm, his tiny chest rising and falling with every breath. I couldn’t wait to show him to El, to see her eyes light up when I finally placed him in her arms. I looked to the door of El’s room, wondering how she was doing after the birth. I could hear the muffled sounds of Lilian moving around but I didn’t know what she was doing. Cleaning El up I supposed. Maybe changing the bed sheets.
El was probably exhausted after the ordeal so Lilian was most likely getting her settled, making sure she was comfortable so she could sleep. I imagined she would sleep for quite awhile but that was okay. I could take care of the baby while El rested. I was wide awake anyway, hit with a burst of energy that I never even knew I had. Let El rest, she needed it. Her son would be safe in my arms until I could hand him over to her. I’d make sure of it.
It was maybe another twenty minutes before Stephen and Thomas came bursting through the nursery doors. Lilian must have called them. They ran right past me, without a word, and into El’s room. They seemed almost in a panic as they rushed by. That’s when I first felt the fear, that damned, paralyzing fear. Something was wrong–I could feel it–something was terribly wrong. I held tight to the baby, rocking him and singing softly, hoping the lullaby would mask the dread that had taken root in my heart.
I wanted to run into that bedroom, to demand they tell me what was going on, but I couldn’t. Deep down, I think I already knew, I just wasn’t ready to face it yet. I could hear the three of them arguing behind the closed door though I couldn’t make out what they were saying. Stephen shouted, cursed, then I heard a crash as if someone had thrown something heavy across the room. I just kept rocking the sleeping baby. Noah, that’s what El wanted to call him, Noah. I thought, if I just kept holding Noah, just keep pretending that everything was alright, maybe it would be.
Lilian was the first to emerge from El’s bedroom. Her face was pale and drawn. She didn’t speak right away–she didn’t have to. Her silence said it all. When she did finally speak, her voice was hollow, stripped of any warmth or comfort.
“Eleanor didn’t make it.” She said, not even bothering to look at me. “She lost too much blood.” She continued. “I tried to stop it but she was too weak. I’m sorry.”
In that moment, the world seemed to suddenly tilt on its axis and a for moment, I couldn’t breathe. I stared at her, refusing to believe what I had just heard. It didn’t make sense. This wasn’t supposed to happen. El was strong, resilient, she could overcome any hardship, any obstacle. She couldn’t be gone, it just wasn’t possible. I felt my entire body begin to tremble, tears slipped down my cheeks as I shook my head repeating, “No” over and over again. No. It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true. El was not dead.
Lilian looked away, her eyes glazed over, as if she were seeing something far beyond the walls of the mansion. Then, she simply turned, and walked out of the room, not uttering another word. I was dumbfounded. I remember feeling a cold wave of of disbelief wash over me. I wanted to scream, to shake Lilian, to demand answers. But all I could do was hold Noah tighter, as if that small connection to El could somehow anchor me to reality.
‘Why didn’t they call for help?’ I asked the empty room. ‘Why didn’t they do something?’ I already knew the answer to that question though. I realized just then that Stephen and Lilian had made a choice–a choice that cost El her life. And I, in my cowardice, had allowed it to happen. I felt a surge of anger then. A raw, blistering rage that threatened to consume me. I wanted to destroy everything in that house, to tear it all down, brick by brick, to make them all pay for what they had done. But then I looked at Noah, at his tiny, innocent face, and the anger drained away, replaced by a numbing grief.