I hesitated even more.
“Listen, Matt. I dated someone who was in the closet in college. It sucked. I’m not going to do it.”
I closed the distance between us and pressed a soft kiss on his closed lips. He groaned.
“Tell me you’re gay, and you’re out,” he said. I shook my head. He groaned for a totally different reason.
“It’s really bad to mess with members of the band. A definite no-no. It can break the band up. And I need the job.”
“Julie and Z are a couple,” I said.
“And that’s what you want to be? A couple?”
I nodded. But then I lost my nerve a little and just shook my head and shrugged. I probably looked like a freakin’ bobble-head.
“I don’t know, man, I’ve never been like this.” My voice cracked. I didn’t like it.
Whatever conflicted, vulnerable, weirdness I felt, I wanted to share with him, but what could I possibly say?
I looked him straight in the eye and let him see what was there. I never thought I’d be going for a 22-year-old who looked like he should be playing polo with Prince Harry, but I wasn’t going to deny what I felt. Like I’d give up the whole world if he’d just let me kiss him, really kiss him.
“No more being a jerk? I mean, I think I’ve got enough ink in my hair, thanks.”
“Let me prove that I’m usually a pretty nice dude,” I said. I let my voice drop until it was husky. “I’ll be so good to you, I promise.”
“No more baton twirler jokes?” Aaron asked.
I let my eyelids drop a little bit. “I have a place I’d like to put my baton.”
He rolled his eyes.
“No promises on the jokes,” I said.
We stared at each other.
I couldn’t believe how high, how suddenly the tension spiked between us; like someone just blasted club music and it shot through my body. Our bodies probably.
“Not interested,” he said. But his hips surged forward toward me when he said it.
I felt I had to convince him. Had to come clean. “Listen,” I said. “I’ve never been with a guy. But from the minute you walked in, I felt something. Not some weird magical tingle, or electricity, or something.” I paused. I was messing this up. “Like a God-given compulsion. Like I had to have you.” My voice dropped until it was a husky whisper. “Like I had to know what it was like to taste you.”
I couldn’t interpret the look on his face. I think it was that part of him really wanted me, but his mind was trying to talk him out of it.
“I’m not good with words, man,” I said. “I like you. I really, really like you. I know that’s weird because I don’t know you. I know I’ve gone about everything the wrong way. But give me a chance, please. I feel like I’ll die if you don’t.”
I ducked my head, and I felt my face get hot.
He still didn’t say anything.
I looked up at him and decided it was enough talking.
I tightened my grip on the back of his neck, and then I kissed him. A real kiss. His face was rougher than I thought it would be, with the baby young look of his. I probed his lips with my tongue, and he opened for me. He tasted faintly of Coca Cola. I felt him surrender as I took over and thrust more. There was a wild electricity that zapped down to my toes. I broke off for a big gulp of air and realized that I had my whole body pressed into him and was grinding him into the wall.
“We should get back, or my cousin and Zeeter will be wondering what’s going on,” he said.
“To hell with that,” I said. I kissed him even more passionately, putting everything I had into it. It was my first kiss with a guy, and I didn’t want to let it consume me, I wanted it to consume him.
My God, I want to fuck you right here, I thought. But I let go and stepped back. I dragged a hand through my hair. The truth was I didn’t want anyone else to know yet. I certainly didn’t want our first time to be in alley.
“I promise to be less of a jerk,” I said. But as soon as I said it, I hoped I could do it. I had a feeling I wouldn’t be on an even keel around Aaron.
“I’ll believe it when I see it,” he said.
I smiled at him.
“But as for right now, the answer is no.”
“What?”
I backed away a few feet. I had to rearrange myself and then lean against the opposite wall and take a few deep breaths.
Julie appeared in the street in the opening of the alleyway. “Are you two boys done fighting and dick swaggering?”
“Yeah,” I said, while I propped one knee up on the wall to hide my flagging erection.
“Well, do we have a drummer or not?”
“We have a drummer,” I said. “A damn good one.”
“So,” Julie said. “You two coming back in to finish the rehearsal?”
“In a minute,” I said.
She walked away.
“We have to work together,” Aaron said. “So we’re going to forget this ever happened.”
“No,” I said.
He sighed. “I can’t be some experiment.”
“It’s not like that.”
“Or something convenient. Just ’cause I’m there and we’re traveling together.”
“Aaron,” I said, and I pushed off the wall to walk back to him. “What if all this was for a reason. John not able to come on tour. Nick breaking his wrist. You just graduating. Me…” I paused and taking a deep breath. “Desperately waiting my whole life for someone that made me feel like you did when you walked…” Aaron’s expression closed down so I shut up.
I wiped a hand over my face, and it was my turn to look up to the sky in frustration. I wasn’t used to being swamped with feelings like this, with wanting so badly my stomach hurt and not having it returned. I didn’t know what to do.
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I started to walk away, but he grabbed my arm. I looked down at where he held it; it felt good. I looked up at him and let him see the want in my eyes.
“How about, we call a truce,” Aaron said. “You try being my friend, instead of… whatever it is you’ve been this last hour.”
“Right,” I said. “You got it.”
*
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