Back at school, it was as if our experiences at Trevor’s house never existed. Not once would we ever speak of what we did, what we talked about, how more manlier we got, or how much fun we had. It was kind of like a system of our own confidentiality. There were times at school, especially during lunch, when I wanted so badly to talk to Trevor about our workout routines. It drove me crazy, and I’m sure Trevor felt the same way. I wanted to show my peers how manly I’ve gotten since the beginning of the year. I wanted to show them all that I’ve changed, that I can behave and act like an average boy. In my dreams, I would fantasize that Trevor and I would be ripping our shirts off, flexing for everyone at school. Girls would be rushing over to us, gasping with glee as they examined us. Then, the boys would run over with their jaws wide open with shock. One boy would reach out to me, his fingers so close to my skin and just as he touches me, I would awaken to a fast beating heart. Those dreams frightened me greatly. I didn’t know what they meant. Usually the next day after school, in Trevor’s bedroom, I would spill my guts, telling him the stories from my dreams. He always seemed to appreciate and enjoy them as he listened with a smile.
Back then I didn’t know what do with my feelings. They were like, a gift, that I had to open in front of a crowd. The school year was passing by quickly and Trevor and I had recently turned ten years old. We were ten now, which meant no room for weakness towards the other boys. Our workout routines, including the “inspections,” became much more vigorous and thorough. Ten minutes eventually turned into thirty minutes. We could both feel it; we were getting stronger. Trevor’s plump body slowly morphed away into the shape of muscle. I remember by the end of the year, my fingers would no longer sink deep into his chest anymore. To share the wealth, Trevor complimented me by saying my arms and biceps got a little larger. In excitement, we jumped up and hugged each other with glee. Our bare bodies, seeping together like soaked towels. Strangely enough, I didn’t want to let go of him. I was so happy to have Trevor as a friend, to share secrets and feelings with.
It was now the beginning of summer. Trevor and I couldn’t wait to see each other everyday to play, workout and chat. I generally always went to his house because mine was a lot smaller and didn’t have any weights for us to use. Besides, I never once exhibited my true side to my parents like I did with Trevor. It was like I had to shut down half my personality at home. Life was simply better at Trevor’s house. The first month of summer went by in a flash. Trevor and I were closer than ever before. I can’t explain how were got closer, we just were. He and I finished each other’s sentences, knowing exactly what we were thinking. That’s when I started sleeping over more frequently. It just felt more comfortable to be near him all the time.
That summer, there was another incident on the street with other neighborhood boys. These were boys I’ve never seen before. My eyes jumped from boy to boy, looking for the legendary blonde with the four pack abs. He was no where to be seen. Three new neighborhood boys stood in front of us this time. They seemed to be slightly older than us, probably twelve, maybe even thirteen. Trevor appeared to be calm and confident around them. Instead, I was overwhelmed with anxiety and worry. I couldn’t get those rapid thoughts out of my head. This time, there was no epic game to play, no showing off our manliness and no demonstrating our strength. Rather, this time, the tallest boy pulled out a shiny magazine from his pocket. He boasted to everyone as he held it high in the air. The other boys were astonished and worshiped the tallest boy for revealing that magazine. We all sat down next to him on the curb, under a large, old tree. I caught a glance at the front cover; it had two young women, posing in bathing suits. It was a teen magazine made for girls. At first I was puzzled why a boy would have a magazine for girls. I closely watched the three boys moan and cheer as the tallest one flipped through the pages. They wined like starving puppies, repeating phrases like, “yes,” “look at those,” or “I wanna touch that!” Most of the girls in this magazine were half naked.
“Tomorrow I’m gonna get something more revealing,” announced the tallest boy, “Then we can really enjoy it.” My gut felt sour as I continued to watch those boys finger through all the pages, again and again and again. It felt so wrong to do that, to look at those half naked women. After Trevor told the three boys a clever excuse, we quickly left them alone. Once we made it to his bedroom, we sat there, quietly. I couldn’t ever recall us being this silent before. We were confused, distorted and aloof. A horrifying side of us fought with our inner feelings that night. Voices inside our minds kept pestering us, “why didn’t you behave like those other boys? Why didn’t you enjoy that?” That night was quiet, as we struggled to contain the confusion inside ourselves. That day marked its history in our friendship. We both knew what happened and why it happened, but we couldn’t figure out why we felt the way we did. Are boys our age supposed to like girls like that? I remembered my parents consistently telling me that someday I’ll have a girlfriend and that I’ll be kissing girls. But I wondered, “when will that happen?”
During the middle of the summer, our lives were shattered by terrible news. My parents told me I was going to another school for the fifth grade. At first I was excited, but then I realized I wouldn’t see Trevor anymore. I almost vomited when I fully compiled this news. Trevor didn’t take it all too well. He immediately threw the biggest hissy fit I’ve ever seen. I was actually forced to leave his house after I laid down the truth because he locked himself in his room and refused to talk to me. His mom felt bad for me as she drove me home after spending less than fifteen minutes there. Somehow, I felt guilty inside, as if this was my fault. It felt like I betrayed Trevor’s trust, like stabbing him in the back when he needed me the most. For two whole nights I couldn’t sleep. All I could think of was Trevor crying in his room, weeping, because of me. The third day, Trevor called and invited me back over. When I arrived, he apologized and decided we should spend as much time together before the big move. Nothing could make me any happier.
That night, I slept over. After a long day of working out and having fun, we were ready for sleep. This was the latest I’ve ever stayed up in my life. It was well past eleven o’clock at night. The room was pitch black and so silent, you could hear us breathing. We couldn’t stop talking about things, about our workouts, about our good times spent together, about our birthday parties, about school. After a good laugh, it grew uncomfortably quiet. I softly fidgeted in my blue sleeping bag beside his bed. As my eyes finally adjusted to the darkness, I looked up and saw Trevor leaning over me from atop his bed. He slowly climbed down, then knelled next to me. It was difficult for me to see exactly what was going on, so I sat myself up in my sleeping bag. Just then, I could feel warmth around my lips, soothing wetness; such a satisfying desire. We kissed and kissed, for what seemed like a really long time, which was only truly five minutes. Trevor was the first to gently back away from the moment. He had the biggest smile on his face when he opened his eyes. A voice inside my head kept telling me I wanted more, a lot more. But there was another voice, countering the pleasant moment from our kisses. This voice scolded me, whipped me, demoralized me. Miraculously enough, I was strong enough at that time to shut those voices up and focus on what was happening now. Trevor leaned in and kissed me one more time on the lips before saying goodnight. I was so flushed, I didn’t know what it was I was experiencing. This feeling inside me, this amazing sensation on my lips, it all felt incredible. That night, I fell asleep with a joyous grin on my face.