“Hear you went to see Edward’s parents the other day,” he said. “I hope this means you’re getting out and about again.”
“How did you know?” I asked. I’d told no one and, as far as I knew, Leonora and Jack didn’t know him particularly well though they must have met him at the funeral.
As I suspected he didn’t answer but instead embarked on a long and lurid tale about some car mechanic who’d come round to attend to a defect in his car (probably self-inflicted by Ross) and had stayed for wild, raunchy sex. This had included a certain amount of S/M activity and ended with Ross being well and truly impaled on his huge (according to Ross) schlong so that he’d scarcely been able to walk for the remainder of the day.
I laughed and realised that it was the first time for a long time when I’d done so.
“Come out, Mark,” said Ross. “It’ll do you so much good. Somewhere quiet, a few drinks, perhaps a film.”
“With you nothing’s quiet. You’d probably be having it off with the projectionist and the whole film would grind to a halt.
“Projectionists aren’t nearly butch enough,” said Ross. “They’re almost professional class. Ugh.” He paused then repeated, “Do come out. Weekend.”
I wasn’t prepared to commit myself but I was drawn. “I’ll ring you,” I said.
“Any time day or night,” he said. “If I’m in the middle of extreme coitus, I’ll stop it for you – even make him take it out, so I can chat to you normally.”
I smiled again and attacked the pile of work in front of me with something like enthusiasm. My boss nodded approvingly as he saw the pile in the out tray grow by the end of the day.
That evening though I was depressed again. I opened a bottle of wine and had a couple of glasses. Over a microwaved Tesco frozen meal – chicken pasanda with pilau rice – I stared at the bear which was sitting at the other end of the table. He stared, monocularly, back at me. For weeks past I’d been sad at living in the empty flat, now I realised that I was bored as well as sad.
“Shall I go out with Ross at the weekend?” I asked. I filled my glass again and drank it down. It was fairly foul stuff but it did its job of deadening feelings.
Teddy said nothing, though I thought his ear drooped rather more than it had before.
“I still miss Edward,” I said. “It hurts like hell. In a way it would seem like betraying him to go out and try to enjoy myself.”
If anything the ear drooped even more.
“What did you think of him?” I asked. “I suppose he just dragged you around by that poor old ear of yours. But you meant a lot to him.” I looked at the bedraggled little monster. “And he meant so much to me.”
Teddy fell over. I swear I didn’t touch the table or anything. He just toppled over onto his nose and lay there, butt in the air, praying to Mecca, or perhaps to Jerusalem.
“Oh you’re just pissed,” I said and finished my glass. Teddy stayed where he was, well, what did I think? That he’d get up again?
“You’re obviously not interested,” I said, ” but I’m going to phone Ross.”
As it was the middle of the evening, I didn’t expect Ross to be in but he was and presumably alone. At least there was no groaning and panting in the background when his clipped and slightly effete tones announced, “Ross here at your service. How can I accommodate you?”
“Mark here,” I said. “About this weekend . . .”
Instantly his voice changed to one of seemingly irrepressible good humour. “I’m so glad, doll,” he said. “I promise you I won’t do anything outrageous. In fact my sister will be here with her friend and we can send them out if you don’t want company other than mine.”
I hadn’t been planning on extra people and I paused, glancing up across the table where Teddy was. He was sitting up watching me. I didn’t remember picking him up from his prostrate position but obviously I must have done. I was about to make excuses to Ross when the expression on the bear’s face seemed to change. It must have been a trick of the light but suddenly it looked quite mean, almost savage. Of course the thing didn’t have a moveable mouth but it was almost as if part of its lip lifted into a sort of snarl.
“OK,” I said to Ross. “That will be fine and of course you can’t send your family out. I’ll look forward to coming over and meeting them.”
We made arrangements as to times and rang off.
I looked at Teddy and the face was back to normal. I’d obviously been alone too much.
I left the bear down in the kitchen and had a bad night, tossing and turning, remembering how Edward and I had fitted together in that bed so that, even when we didn’t have sex, we touched and held each other and the first thing I always saw of felt when waking was his warm and affectionate body, the smile on his face when he woke, that smile that ever since the first time moved me to distraction.
The following morning Teddy looked disapproving as I made coffee and burnt some toast under the grill.
“OK,” I said, “I’m sorry I left you here. We can sleep together tonight.” I almost blushed as I heard myself saying that. Thank goodness there was no one to overhear my foolish fancies, but, strangely enough, having made that promise, I felt better and I even took time to scramble some eggs to hide the burnt bits on the toast.
“I’ll be back about six,” I called back from the open door just as one of the tenants from upstairs was coming down the communal staircase. She didn’t say anything but gave me a glance as if to show that she thought I’d got someone indoors. My blush must have made me look guilty and I wondered whether she was thinking, ‘so soon after his friend’s death and now he’s got someone else’.
I pondered on that as I took the Underground to the West End where I worked. Of course there was no one in the flat, and no one likely to be, but would it have been ‘soon’ if I had wanted to bring someone back? It had been months since Edward had died. How long exactly? I worked it out. Seven and a half months, give or take a few days. Of course some people mourned for years. Look at Queen Victoria. Her Prince Albert died in 1861 and she never really came out of mourning until she died in 1901, that was forty years, though of course there had been the ‘relationship’ with John Brown, whatever that consisted of.
The train was full and I was strap-hanging surrounded by morning commuters who were forced into intimate contact. Some tried to ignore the intimacy; others perhaps enjoyed the contact. I was suddenly aware that someone standing with his back to me was pressing his backside into my groin. I tried to move away but the crush was too much. I couldn’t see the guy full face but from the back and side he was young and not unattractive. It was obvious that he was pushing intentionally. Though the train moved, his body movement was much too pointed to be unintentional. I started to get an erection. It was months of course since I’d had any sexual release, or even wanted one. Now my body was reacting and the guy could obviously feel my hardness for he pushed even more and moved his buttocks against my cock. He turned his head and smiled. His hand snaked back and grasped me between my legs and I felt a sexual shock of pleasure, something which I hadn’t felt for ages.