A gay story: Confessing My Fantasies Ch. 01 (Authors Note: First chapter in the series. This one will focus on dialogue and psychological factors in some detail, both on the act of finally sharing those fantasies and beginning to understand them and myself.)
My therapist smiled.
As I was sitting across from her, I knew as well as she did that it was time. We had agreed on our last session that it would be best if I spoke to her frankly about my sexual fantasies, as she insisted they can tell us more about a person’s true self that almost anything else.
A ray of late afternoon sunlight poured into the room through the window and landed on me. It was impossible not to think of it as a spotlight.
There was nowhere to run. We had agreed that it had to be done. I was almost shaking, but at the same time felt very eager to get on with it, to say out loud these things that nobody knew about me.
“Well?” she said, still smiling.
I felt somewhat conflicted about how nice she was and about the fact the she was a woman, an older lady with a lot of life experience at that. We had been talking for a few sessions about many issues and she had been quite helpful and insightful. She had a knack for getting things out of me in a way that was fun and ultimately enlightening.
But this was different. I didn’t know exactly what would happen if I was sincere…
“Well, what?” I replied, obviously stalling.
“Come on… You know what I mean. We talked about this last time. Are you going to go back on your word? I mean, you obviously can. It’s up to you entirely, but…” she said as she tilted her head quizzically.
I sighed intensely.
“Look. This is safe, as you know. And this office is so far removed from everything you know. Even if my neighbors could hear us, which they can’t, it wouldn’t really matter. They don’t know you.”
“That’s not the issue,” I cut her off.
“What is it then?”
Again that smile…
“Do you think it might be better if you lay on the couch and close your eyes?” she suggested.
She had suggested me laying in the office couch many times, something which I had always declined. I always figured it would leave me in a vulnerable position, and I always thought a face-to-face conversation was the best way to get the truth out.
Until now…
“Just this once…” I accepted finally.
I lay down and felt suddenly more comfortable. For one, any hint of shaking stopped. I closed my eyes and felt peaceful for the first time since I had left home to come to this specific therapy session.
After a few seconds of letting me finding the perfect posture, she spoke again.
“Last time you were talking about the girls you liked over the years, but when I specifically asked you to tell me your most intense sexual fantasies. You seemed to block. And when I told you to tell me who the subject of your latest fantasies was, you blocked up there as well. I insisted, but you told me you didn’t want to talk about it that day. What did we agree on then?”
I took a deep breath before replying.
“We agreed that today I would answer absolutely all of your questions truthfully, with 100% honesty even if I found it difficult, because you said that was the only way to know myself.”
“And you agreed?” she asked, knowing fully well what the answer was.
“I…did. And I will answer your questions eventually. But don’t make me mention anyone by name, please…At least not today…”
“Not today? You mean we will work up to it?” she said with a hint of delight.
“Of course…”
“Alright. Nothing wrong with that, if we can eventually get to the root of things. So. I want you tell me what these fantasies are that you couldn’t mention the other day. Trust me, I’ve heard a lot over the years. I won’t judge you and I won’t be surprised.”
Her words calmed me a bit. It did feel like a safe place to finally let it all out.
“Generally speaking, you mean?” I asked.
“Whatever comes to you naturally,” she replied almost enigmatically.
I cleared my throat a sighed. I blew air a couple of times, almost instinctively.
“Ok. I didn’t want to say it the other day, because… most of my latest sexual fantasies… involve doing things… with guys…”
There was a brief pause before she spoke. But it seemed like an eternity to me. I had gotten a bit hard just from saying that.
“Oh! I…”
“You weren’t expecting that, huh? I intervened quickly. “Do people just come to you with fantasies about their bosses and incest?” I added almost mockingly. But she knew I said that to deflect from what I had just admitted to. She knew it without a doubt.
“It’s not that. I was just… puzzled by how you worded it. ‘Doing things with guys’. That could be anything. Like playing hockey or grabbing a beer…right?”
“Don’t make fun of me…” I said quietly. I really wasn’t a fan of her humor at that moment. It did make the conversation more lighthearted, but maybe it didn’t need to be.
“I’m not. I just want you to tell me what you really want to tell me. Don’t beat around the bush,” she replied in a somewhat serious tone.
It took some courage but the floodgates were basically open. I opted for talking in a clinical fashion, to try to distance myself from the facts in a way. As if I somehow was now one of her colleagues, ready to examine this patient with her, instead of being the one who had just admitted to those things.
“Some fantasies about pleasing their penises on my knees, but mostly about receiving anal sex from them…”
I tried to sound deadpan in my delivery but she knew me better than that.
“Alright. This is interesting. Can you please say it in a whole proper sentence? I’m going to be asking you to do that a lot today, but it’s for your own good. You need to hear yourself say it out loud.”
That caught me off-guard. Just when I thought I had somehow taken a weight off my shoulders, she had put me in the spotlight again. I hesitated, but finally complied.
“I’ve been having some fantasi-”
“Back up a bit,” she interrupted. “I want you to start with saying ‘I [your name and last name], have been having some fantasies…’ Got it?”
I found her request odd but also…kind of appealing. I knew that when I said what she wanted me to say, that would be a crucial moment one way or another.
“I, [My name and last name], have been having sexual fantasies about pleasing men’s penises while on my knees, and mostly sexual fantasies about receiving anal sex from men…”
I felt myself getting very hard as I said those words. They had a kind of… finality to them. They sounded far-fetched, but incredibly true to me at that moment. What I had said was just the basic unadulterated truth… She was quiet for a few seconds, probably letting that sink in for me.
“Ok. This, we can work with. You have specifically given examples where you are submissive to them. Is that right?”
“Correct.”
“Do you generally feel submissive in life? Afraid, anxious, feeling like you still need protection?”
I pondered her question, and realized how accurately she had just described me, even if it wasn’t really that much of a sexual question.
“Sure, as we’ve already discussed many times. I sometimes have those kinds of feelings you said,” I conceded.
“Good. That is very interesting indeed…” she pauses for a moment. “Would you say that the men you fantasize about are in any way, let’s say, superior to you?”
I thought my answer carefully, again realizing where things were going and how the dots were actually connecting.
“Ehh… I do fantasize about guys who are taller, stronger, muscular, much more assertive than me… yeah…” I said with my eyes still closed, but the end of my sentence betrayed a longing that she picked up on.
She chuckled lightly.
“Guys that could protect you if push came to shove, right?” she asked me.
“Right,” I admitted.
“But also… guys that could pin you down, that could hold you in place. Guys that YOU would obey. Am I wrong?”
“That would be correct, yeah…” my voice trailed off as the image of what she just said flashed through my mind easily.
“Let me ask you something else. Do you like to be in charge? Do you like making decisions etc, or is that another one of the things that causes your anxiety?”
“I don’t like to be in charge or having to make decisions,” I replied.
“So you’d love it if things were just…handed to you, right?”
“I wouldn’t say that exactly…” I began.
“You would love it if a man just handled you. To follow his lead and his command. To feel safe beneath his wisdom and protection.”
I replied nothing to that, aware of how much it resonated with me. It made me think that I wasn’t special at all, and that somewhere, somehow, my mind ended up on this path as many other minds probably do all the time.
“Don’t be embarrassed! It’s perfectly fine to admit these things if they are true. Come on. Whole sentence. You can do it. Find your words.”
I gathered enough courage and finally spoke up.
“I, [My name and last name], would love to follow the lead of an assertive strong man who would make the decisions for me and could handle me like he wanted…”
“Good…!” she said. “Very good! Doesn’t it feel great to be able to say that out loud, just like it is? Doesn’t speaking up your truth fill you with so much joy?”
I could feel that she was right. The conversation had become both embarrassing and liberating.
“You just want to feel good. Right? You want to feel cared for and safe. Yes?”
“Right,” I said, feeling we’d just said that.
“But that sounds…a little bit boring, right? A life in which everything is predictable, you don’t have to face challenges…”
I wondered where she was going with this…
“You wouldn’t like a life like that. Nobody would. And that’s the reason why… you also crave excitement.”
I listened closely, because she was definitively on to something…
“It wouldn’t be a boring life, however, if you had to be a sexual component in the life of one of those men you described. And I’m going to tell you why. You can interrupt me if anything I say is wrong or too off-course. Ok?”
I waited patiently. I had an idea of where things were going.
“A stronger man, an assertive man, would always keep you on your toes. You’d have to be attentive, careful not to anger him or disobey him. That’s the duality I spoke about. It’s very similar to the concept of theme park rides. Even though your logic self knows that it’s fine, there are things that you can’t help but be excited or thrilled by. What will he say? What will he have you do? Will you be told to get on your knees? Will he blindfold you? Is he going to use you this evening? But when exactly?”
I listened quietly, agreeing with her.
“And still, the promise of pleasure is still there. It’s not something you’d need to work for too much. It would be…extracted from you, in a way. Even in the activity that would yield your greatest pleasure, you could just ‘be there’, passively. The thought probably turns you on.”
“Conquest by pleasure…” I said
“What did you say?”
“Conquest by pleasure. The idea that something aggressive and violent is always met by an aggressive reaction of self-defense. But being taken with pleasure instead of pain, would result in a more definitive surrender…”
She said nothing for a few seconds, considering my words, no doubt.
“Is that a desire that you have? To be conquered by pleasure?”
“It’s a way of putting it. It’s unsettling but at the same time…desirable for me. The idea that I could be taken care of, even ‘deactivated’ by being given enough pleasure, like a drug, is a powerful thought. Yes. But do go on. You were saying very interesting things that I can’t really deny.”
“Well, yes. What you said fits into the blueprint of your desires perfectly. A part of you wants to be ‘taken over’, especially if it means that it will end in pleasure, as is the case with your craving for anal and subsequently prostate pleasure, correct?”
“Yes,” I replied confidently. The fact that the conversation was becoming so insightful had removed almost any feeling of nervousness I had.
“But that element doesn’t completely explain why you’d want to perform oral sex on them, does it? Unless you have another prostate in your throat…” she said in a teasing way, but I still understood what she meant. I took it that she wanted an explanation, so I thought of everything we’d said so far.
“Maybe oral sex is just a very easy way for me to show submission. To keep this man in the fantasy happy. My way of not exactly ‘conquering him by pleasure’, but maybe ‘defending myself by giving pleasure’… ”
“Ah! That’s a very interesting thought!”
“And there’s more. I think that the act of performing oral sex on a man has a component that almost nothing else does. For example. Seeing a penis is something a lot of men see in porn, right? Over the years, I’d say many might be de-sensitized to the sight of them. At least partially.”
“Go on…” she said, intrigue clearly evident in her voice.
“Even anal masturbation with toys can help one get used to feeling full, however different. But in the case of oral…the idea of actually tasting another guy… For me at least I’d say it would be a pivotal moment. That first taste of…cock…is probably not something the mind would be accustomed to. It would make things feel very real very fast. No longer a fantasy, no longer a video. A completely unique experience…”
“Mmm. Well said. I have to agree with you there…” she chuckled, and there was no need to say anything else for me to understand she probably knew that feeling.
She was clearly thinking of what to say next, and I let her until she found her words.
“So. We have established the general idea of your fantasies. The concept of submissiveness and passivity. Also the idea of being overtaken by pleasure. We have linked your oral and anal fantasies to different functions in your ‘quest’ to achieve those goals. I think we’ve made a lot of progress. But there’s something you have to do now. Even if you don’t want to.”
“What?” I asked. I had shared so much that I couldn’t think of what else she might need to hear.
“Well, I want you to tell me about three of your most elaborate fantasies. What I mean by elaborate is those that you’ve given a lot of thought to and you can almost play like a movie in your head. With detailed characters, locations, events etc. I want you to give me three. You can decide which one we will not analyze in detail, but I get to pick between one of the other two. Deal?”
My heart started pounding again. Everything I had said had in fact been quite generic so far. Now she was asking me to give a detailed summary of my actual fantasies…
“Alright. This one is quite elaborate but I don’t want us to talk about it in depth, ok?” I said.
“Sure. We will discard it. But go on.”
I hesitated a few seconds before starting.
***(Authors Note: Skip the following paragraph so you don’t spoil yourself on my story “Receptionist’s Smirk at the Spa”)***
“I have this fantasy where I go to a strange spa for a massage. The receptionist makes me put on a gadget that apparently scans my thoughts. I’m the led into a room made of drapes instead of walls where a strong, masculine massage therapist tells me to undress and put on some feminine lingerie. He massages me expertly, eventually opening the drapes and making our little session public for the rest of the spa… He then raises my hips with a wedge pillow and gives me a prostate massage with his finger. He ends up… fucking my ass until I cum hands free, in plain view of several people… ”
“Wow… ” she says after a few seconds. “So much to unravel there, dear. But I’ll respect your choice and we won’t discuss it. Tell me another one then. ”
I thought about it a bit. I had to pick one of my fantasies knowing that she could choose that one to delve on it. I had to be smart about it. I could either pick an innocuous one or… one that I actually wouldn’t mind talking about it depth…
“Ok. I have a longtime fantasy in which I lose a bet playing a videogame with a friend and I’m ‘forced’ to give him a blowjob for the first time. He would make me kneel on the floor naked, and then approach me until he towers above me. Throughout these events I would play the role of the reluctant loser while secretly craving all of it. It’s a simple tale of plausible deniability.”
“Plausible deniability! Great way to describe it indeed! I think you know yourself better than what you are willing to admit. You make my job quite easy to be honest. I’ll wait for the third one but there’s a lot to talk about that subject. Very interesting… ”
Again, I’m faced with the choice to pick a fantasy that I won’t mind getting interrogated about.
“Ok. The third one now. I don’t know what events would lead up to it, but the fantasy takes place in a fancy hotel room. A very tall, strong and muscular army officer in uniform has brought me there. He would tell me to take a shower while he waits in the room. I’d return with a bathrobe, which he would make me lay on the floor so I can comfortably kneel and perform oral on him. Later, he would push me face down on the bed, hips raised and thighs open. He would take my ass while I progressively confess how grateful I am for his service to our country and how he deserves anything I can give him in return for that potential sacrifice. This one has quite an emotional climax, in my head at least… ”
“Oh dear… That’s… quite a fantasy. Let me think it over a bit. I need to choose wisely… ”
***TO BE CONTINUED***
NOTE TO COMMENTERS: I will leave a few days for anyone in the comments to pick which fantasy the therapist decides we should expand upon, out of those last two that I mentioned. If no-one bothers enough to give me at least a ‘best of three’ sample, I’ll flip a coin… and then just choose the one I prefer 😀