Knife’s Edge Pt. 01

A gay story: Knife’s Edge Pt. 01 Authors note: Serious spoilers for ‘The Axeman’s Carnival’ by Catherine Chidgey

—- —- —- 1.

You know that soft state between a dream and awareness? You’re conscious enough to wrap yourself up in the desire of the dream, reaching for something intangible that’s melting from your grasp… that sweet, pillowy, full body warmth…

…And that nagging growing offness. That you shouldn’t be here. That this isn’t real. And then you forget what ‘this’ is, only left with the sensation of it…

Something, somewhere slips in; sharp and cold. A crashing wave of reality as you hear yourself take a breath…

“Oh you’ve decided to join the realm of the living after all.” AJ flicked his eyes over the top of his phone to meet mine. “Nice nap?” I blinked as his face swam into my vision. Dark hair with a few greys at the temples. Stern jaw and fine lines. He has an elegant face. Elegant and striking and authoritative. I can’t always meet his eye. Like- I feel he’s going to tell me off. Like- I feel strangely on edge sometimes when he looks at me a certain way. Like I’m… failing to live up to something.

“Yeah…” I yawned. The light outside was dusky and purplish. Later than I hoped. “Fuck, sorry… How was your day?” I stretched out and almost fell off the couch as I tried to get my limbs working and my neck realigned.

“Hmmm…” he shrugged. “Dinner smells good.” He glanced at the kitchen. I got the hint and stumbled up properly, throwing cutlery at the table.

“Sorry, wake me up next time! It’s ready, probably just needs a couple of minutes to finish off….”

“Smells amazing, Rubey.” AJ smiled at me. “I didn’t want to wake you. You looked very peaceful, it would have been mean.”

“Thanks.” My neck cracked as I gently twisted it. Ugh. I should really start yoga or something. Seemed like my body was permanently bent out of shape these days. I turned an element on to finish off the risotto I’d started.

Mmmm. It really had been a nice dream. Someone was with me. Probably AJ although you know how dreams are. I had a nagging feeling it was someone else actually. I glanced at him as I stirred the rice. I shouldn’t feel guilty about that. It was just a dream.

I finished cooking and carefully plated the food, without even really thinking about it. I tweezed some herbs and delicately squeezed some oil for garnish, hypnotized by perfecting the plates in front of me. I heard a snort and blinked to see AJ watching me from the kitchen table.

“Please do take your time, sweetheart.” He raised an eyebrow. “I’ll just starve over here.”

“Shut up.” I laughed as I hurried the plates over to the table. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise.” He caught me as I bent over to set the food down and kissed my cheek. “My own private chef? Heaven, Rubey.”

“Oh don’t make me gag.” I laughed as I reached for the cupboard and twisted my lips, looking at his wine. AJ has expensive taste. By which I mean: his taste is whatever his favourite critic of the month thinks and that’s usually expensive. I know we live together. I know it’s ‘our’ pantry. But… you know.

“Just whatever.” I heard him sigh as I scanned the bottles in front of me. “Stop being so precious.”

“Ok.” I grabbed a bottle I’d been eying. It wasn’t breaking the bank by AJ’s standards. I yawned as I grabbed some glasses and poured some. He watched me closely and his mouth thinned as I sat down beside him.

“You all good?” He asked.

“Tired.” I stared at the food which looked beautiful, and smelled amazing, and I felt a little nauseous. I reached for my wine instead.

“This is amazing.” AJ squeezed my hand, rolling his head dramatically as he started eating. “You are a GENIUS.” He grinned at me. I smiled back weakly. “God almighty, Rubey, open your own fucking place already.”

“Absolutely not.” I laughed. “I’m going grey already! Last thing I need is more stress.” I winced and gulped down more wine, my eyes darting guiltily over to AJ. As if I had any right to talk about being stressed to him. He was burning the candle at both ends, all hours these days. He’d been called into the office more times than I could count. And it was definitely taking a toll.

I waited for him to snap… but didn’t seem to process what I’d said, engrossed into the food. I smiled as I watched him and tried to perk myself up. I mean, I was struggling too. Unhealthy from every angle. Tied down to a job more than I was to my boyfriend. But running a restaurant isn’t life or death you know? We can’t both be falling apart at the same time. And he was falling apart. He was snapping all the time- when he was home. His hours were almost as bad as mine, unheard of outside of hospitality usually, and the stakes were higher. Which meant the income was higher as well, but that’s only another cause of stress for me. We’ve been together for years and years now but… I’ve never managed to crawl up beside him and feel like we’re on equal ground. He loves me. He adores me. But we were in different places when we started dating, and that gap just seems to widen every day.

“This is seriously divine.” AJ kicked me under the table. “Are you not even going to try it?” I blinked and looked down at my plate, where I’d been twirling my fork absentmindedly.

“God, I’m just not hungry.” I sighed. “I was tasting as I went, think I spoiled my appetite.”

“I guess miracles do happen.” AJ grunted. “Well I’ll have yours then.” He shrugged. “Are you really not going to eat it?”

“Guess not.” I slid the bowl over to him and cradled my wine instead. He took my plate and dug in happily. I kind of hate how he can eat anything and stay so fit. I wasn’t quite so lucky. Although, as AJ had once or twice pointedly commented, it’s not like I was keeping up with running or soccer like I used to and he was working out and playing everyday in spite of work. It wasn’t exactly a miracle that he was slim and I wasn’t. What’s that saying though? Never trust a skinny chef? Well- AJ would probably tell me that was only an excuse while I was a chef. Now I’m a restaurant manager I can’t really blame my weight on tasting the food.

I sighed as I watched him and leant my head on my hand. “How bad was work?” I asked him as I topped up his glass.

“Actually alright.” He caught my eye and grinned at me. “How was your weekend?” He joked. Due to a mismanaged schedule, one I had personally fucked up and didn’t have the energy to fix, I was stuck with a one day ‘weekend’ for the foreseeable future which was bearable, but not exactly wonderful. I’d slept till well after noon and dragged myself out of bed around 4pm because AJ usually finished work at 5 and was home by 6 and I’d promised I’d clean the house… I did the laundry, the dishes, swept, watered the pants, cleaned the bathrooms and made dinner- and he was late after all which was annoying but he told me just in time for me to save the risotto and fall on the couch. You know, I think I used to have hobbies? Or goals? Or something beyond this….

Well. Maybe one day.

“Pretty mediocre,” I grinned, “but at least the house is tidy.”

“Yeah it looks much better.” AJ glanced around the room. “Thanks, angel.”

“No problem.” I yawned. AJ sighed and glanced at his watch.

“Well. No offence but you are currently really terrible company.” He nudged my leg again. “Go to bed.”

“I’ll clean up.” I stretched out, gesturing to our plates. He rolled his eyes and waved his hand at me.

“I can manage two bowls and wine glasses.” He grunted. “You look exhausted.”

“You didn’t want to… like… do anything? After dinner?” I glanced at AJ out of the corner of my eyes. It should be easy, trying to seduce the man who’s loved you for years, but… AJ’s eyes swept over me. I felt my gut clench a little. Damn. Still that same faraway look in his eyes. Not even a flicker of interest. “Like catch up on a show or something?” I asked quickly, to save us both from having to face him turning me down. He squeezed my hand.

“Just go to bed Rubey. Sleep in as well, I’ll be up early.”

“Ok. Thanks for cleaning up. Love you.”

“Love you.”

I staggered to the bedroom and looked at myself. I took my shirt off and sighed as my eyes drifted from my reflection to an old photo of AJ and me, from a few years ago, when we’d just started dating properly. Fuck I looked young. Well. I was young. I felt this tiny uncomfortable twinge in the back of my neck as I stared at my body. I traced a line across my shoulders. My fingers slowly wrapped around my bicep.

Aside from staff meals and cheap booze off the clock and all the other usual restaurant perks; my restaurant, Pongakawa, offered a gym membership. One of those trying to keep up with the times ‘we’re a cool place to work’ kind of perks that they think will mean everyone is so content with their job they forget to ask for a pay rise. I took advantage of it anyway. I’d never been a gym guy. Well, look at me. Of course not. But even back when AJ and I met I didn’t really do anything. I played soccer, but not well enough to continue.

I tensed the muscle awkwardly. Weird. Good weird. I never had muscle. Even when I was thin and fit I wasn’t exactly a stud. I ran my hand over my arm, and my pecs as I tensed them. I tried to clench my abs and rolled my eyes at myself. Ok, there might be some development but I was hardly gonna be sporting a six pack any time soon.

I stared at the old photo, picking at my body in the mirror and comparing the two of us. I still looked ok if you just looked at my face. That hadn’t changed too much. If anything I’d grown into my features- I had a big everything; big dark eyes, big nose, big lips… I blamed my mother and her big meddling Italian personality. At least I held a tan really well. I was pleasantly olive even through winter. I tucked my hair behind my ears to look at my jawline. Ugh, my hair was getting too long, but I hated how baby faced a short back and sides made me look. Maybe it would be ok if I had a chiseled jaw or a fitter body but I don’t and anything less than a shaggy just on the shoulders cut seemed to make me look like a chubby toddler. When my hair was longer, and I had a day or two worth of beard growth I could see a hint of a hot guy, somewhere inside me. Especially coming off summer when I was really tanned, and my dark hair had little flecks of gold in it… and with the gym….

It wasn’t enough though was it? I looked away from my reflection in shame, having spent way too much time staring at myself- like some vain teenage girl. It felt worse every time AJ turned me down.

He was probably just tired. And we’d been together in one way or another for the better part of a decade now, right? People just stop having sex. It’s a thing. It’s a lame thing but it’s a thing.

I put on an audiobook I’d read a million times- The Once and Future King- to help me sleep.

Anything to drown out the thoughts.

—— ——

“What are you listening to?” I jumped as Joel pulled out my earbud.

“Huh?”

“Said what see you listening to, space cadet.”

“Oh.” I winced and glanced at my phone screen. I’d been daydreaming. I had an hour break from work on the floor in the restaurant to do work in the office. I was starting to develop a habit of falling asleep and working at the same time. “Yeah uh. Nothing.”

“Alvin and the chipmunks?” Joel cackled as he followed my gaze. “Weirdo.”

“Yeah like… the sludge version. It’s slowed down to a 16th speed, it’s actually really…”

“Any wine list changes for tonight?”

“Oh… uhhh…” I scrambled to find my notes. “Uh yeah so we’re swapping the Beach House Malbec for…”

“Just slack me.”

“Got it.” I glanced at Joel and rolled my eyes internally before turning back to the computer. “Anything on your end?” I asked as I finished making my changes to the wine list.

“Yeah but pay attention, Reuben, I literally only have time to go over this once.”

“Kay, shoot.” I paused and grabbed some paper to scribble on.

“Asparagus is out of season so…” He droned on as I furiously made notes for yet another last minute reprint of the menu. Sometimes I wish I worked somewhere cheap and cheerful where the menus were laminated and when something changes it was just taped over and handwritten.

Well. No. I don’t really wish that, do I? I DO wish my head chef was like, literally anyone else in the whole world but you get who you get in a job don’t you?

The second he came on board he gave me a quick once over and while he managed to keep any words to himself his derisive snort pretty much said it all. He was a good chef, maybe a great chef. He’d worked for Neil Perry, and Monique Fiso and even Alain Ducasse- and everyone fucking knew it.

Prior to him I’d actually always had a great relationship with back of house, probably because I was one of them for the majority of my years of my- well. Career may be a grandiose term. I’d been a dishie. I’d been a line cook. I’d been a pizza chef in a small local woodfire joint. I’d even been a real Chef- across multiple disciplines and I would made sous if I hadn’t done a favour for a friend. They ran a fairly well known bistro and begged me to Maitre D their restaurant for a night when all their emergency contacts had fallen through. That resulted in Lydia Deans and Marty Whistler, gods of the restaurant scene in Aotearoa, being served by me, which resulted in a job offer to manage their new place; Pongakawa, that I really couldn’t refuse.

Maybe Joel didn’t know that. Maybe he did and thought I was a wet blanket for moving to the front for the better pay and mildly better working conditions. It used to eat me alive, the way he spoke to me, and he still made my whole body tense every time I saw him. One of those guys who always grunted that respect was earned but didn’t seem to realise his version of respect was the bare minimum of polite human interaction. Whenever we had a problem my heart sank and my gut went tight and I usually ended up running my mouth off at him because I wasn’t going to just sit back and TAKE his borderline abuse.

I would have left the job- only there was a deep stubborn itch within me to prove that he couldn’t break me. That I was strong and inflexible and I’d been here before him and I’d be here long after him. There was that, and, of course, that I had no other skills and no where to go. I was at the top, and the only way out was down.

So I sucked it up.

“Wake up space cadet!” Joel barked. I blinked and sheepishly met his eye, knowing he knew I hadn’t listened properly to a single word. He couldn’t prove that though. I’d been writing it all down, even if it wasn’t going in. “You look worse than I feel.” grunted at me. “Lay off the weed.”

“Says the guy who stinks out the kitchen every fucking split.”

“Can you just get through tonight?” Joel rolled his eyes at me. “And then eat some proper food so you can get through the week? A vegetable maybe?”

“I’ll be fine tonight.” I rubbed my eyes. “Back off.”

“Get it together then.” He muttered, standing up and letting his chair scrape the concrete. “See you ten to five for briefing.”

“Oui, Chef.”

— —

“Jordana! I’m so glad you’re in! Come on I have your favourite table.” I ushered in the owner of the stupidly overpriced vintage store down the road. “Bolly? You got it.” I paused on my journey back to the front of the room, pausing to check in on Liz and Derek, and clearing a few glasses, and recommending a bottle of wine. “Hey I’ve got Table 4s drink, and I’m sending her some olives while she’s waiting, Can you set her up? Thanks Georgie.” My eyes swept over the room and I paused as I saw the worried look on Amy’s face. I glanced over to the pass. Joel was staring at me. He beckoned me over. I could feel my charming smile falter as I headed there. “Hit me.” I braced myself.

“Out of steak tartare, there’s three on order and we can’t do one of them. Table 6 ordered last but we also fucked up their oysters…”

“Yeah I’ll talk to 11.” I glanced at the dockets over the pass. “Rob, can you let everyone know re tartare?”

“Oui, chef.”

“Wait.” Joel caught him. “Uhhh…” He caught my eye and swallowed. I took a deep breath.

“Just tell me.” I suggested. He motioned for me to come closer and lowered his voice.

“Pizza oven is fucked.” He mumbled. “Extractors not working. We’ve Uh… we’ve rigged up a window and fan and we can do what’s on order but…”

“86 pizza.” I smiled at Rob. “I’ll be round in a sec to explain. Anything else chef?”

“Nothing you can fix.” Joel grunted.

“Right on.” I rolled my eyes. “Good hustle with the oven, thanks.”

“Huh?” Joel stopped arranging strip loin with his chopsticks and glared at me.

“I mean it.” I smiled thinly. “Rather go one night sans pizza than burn the fucking place down.”

“Right.” He glanced at me and quickly went back to his plating.

The night was alright. I glided through it, involving myself in every table and every wine choice and every mistake or complaint or compliment. I like to be a presence people feel safe with. I like to be solutions and guidance and high expectations. Joel was on his best behaviour and even when my crew made a mistake he just glared at me and let me fix it without comment. Hmm. I knew a guilty conscience when I saw it.

Service died down and I made sure all my staff had their breaks before glancing at the time and deciding it was probably safe to take mine. I skipped food in favour of extra time to smoke and sighed internally as I saw my mate Kurt step outside. I usually like just a second to be alone while my head buzzes with the night, but I’m a good colleague before anything else and I whistled to him, waving my arm in greeting.

“Good night, eh?” Kurt thumped down next to me.

“Yeah, nah, for sure.” I grinned. “Late though.” I winced, peeking back into the restaurant and seeing the dozen or so tables still humming. Fuck, I wouldn’t be done with cleaning up till like 1am. Great. AJ would be raging. He understood the job was what it was, but getting home after 12 and waking him up always pissed him off.

“Yeah, ooosh and you’re on the day tomorrow yeah?”

“Yeah.” I laughed. “Oh well, that also means a night off tomorrow! What the fuck am I gonna do with myself?”

“K-pub quiz!” Kurt punched the air gleefully. “You can finally make it! No excuses Rubes. Need your beautiful grey sludge.” He grabbed my shoulders and I laughed as he planted a wet kiss on my forehead.

“Get off!” I pushed him away. “God, I’m sorry, I dunno Kurt… I’ll have to ask AJ…”

“Fuck off, he can come.”

“Yeah but I was gonna cook him dinner and…” I trailed off as I caught the comical expression of disgust on Kurt’s face.

“Are you telling me you need permission from your fully grown man to go out for one fucking night because he’s incapable of making himself dinner?” Kurt gagged.

“That’s absolutely NOT what I said, and you know it,” I laughed, “but I do need to ask him, that’s what you do when you have plans with someone, dickhead.”

“Seriously, bring him, it’s insane I’ve never met him, you know that right?”

“He won’t come,” I shrugged, “he has no interest in….”

“Meeting your friends and supporting you having a good time?” Kurt raised his eyebrows at me.

“Pubs and slash or quizzes.” I rolled my eyes.

“Ask him.” Kurt nudged my knee. “Dare ya. Give him a chance to redeem himself.”

“From what?! You don’t know him!” I sighed.

“Yeah, we’ll you’re his biggest fan and he comes across as a wanker even through your rose tinted glasses so….”

“You’re the wanker.” I laughed. “Ok, ok. I’ll ask. Imma head in, get a head start on closing up.”

“Love your work, baby.”

—-

I swore to myself as I checked the time.

I’d hustled the close and caught an Uber I couldn’t really afford, but it was still closer to 1am than I was comfortable with. AJ… He’s… he’s just a super light sleeper. He notices when I get in late. He says it fucks with his whole morning routine when I wake him up after midnight. He also says he worries if he reaches for me in the night and I’m not there, which really is so sweet of him to say… but. I mean. It’s not like I work long hours for fun, you know. Sometimes I swear he forgets that.

I took off my shoes and tiptoed up the stairs of the apartment building, trying to be as light and elegant as possible. I’d crept in before this late and not woken AJ up. I just had to be careful. I yawned as I reached for the door handle, inserting my keys with laser like precision. I blinked as the door swung open to a well lit room.

“About fucking time.” AJ called out from the living room.

“You’re still up?!” I went to greet him. He was still in his suit from work, finishing up a whiskey. He smiled at me as I entered and beckoned me over to him.

“They work you too hard.” He muttered, pulling me into his arms. I let my head fall to his shoulders. I could already feel my whole body relaxing.

“You too!” I pressed my lips to his neck. “Did you just get home?!”

“About an hour ago.” He yawned. “Must be bed now though baby.” He squeezed my shoulders and stepped away from me. He smiled and touched ny cheek gently. “You look nice.”

“Right.” I laughed. “Exhausted, sweaty, reeking of durries… sorry about that, I thought you’d be asleep…. Anyway it’s great look for me.”

“Are you losing weight?” AJ looked at me thoughtfully.

“Am I?” I definitely wasn’t. I never weighed myself but I spent enough time staring at my reflection that I would know.

“You look good.” He ran his hands over my shoulders. He bit his lip. His fingers danced over my collar. I felt my heart rate pick up a fraction. I glanced up at him and our eyes met. “Hmm.” He gently tugged on my shirt, pulling me close again and sending hot lava through my insides. My eyes fluttered half closed and my mouth parted. He hadn’t looked at me like that in forever. He reached his hand behind my head and wrapped his fingers in my hair. He smiled and tugged and I let out a little whimper. “Fuck.” He murmured. “Ah. It’s so late.” He sighed, turning away from me.

“Not soooo late.” I didn’t let him go. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my lips to his neck.

“Sooooo late.” He laughed, mocking me gently. “You want a nightcap though?” He gestured at his whiskey and I sighed as any tension and magic left his body. Well. I’d rather a quickie but if he’d made up his mind he’d made up his mind.

“You sure?” I glanced at his collection.

“Yeah, we both deserve it.” He yawned again. “Fuck, at least it’s a real night off together tomorrow.” He reached for the whisky.

“Oh… yeah. Actually- Kurt asked me to do a pub quiz.”

“God that’s so sad.” He poured the whisky and handed me a glass. “That’s what single life is eh? Shit beer in shit pubs with shit quizzes that you’re too smart for.”

“I thought I might go.” I sipped the drink. AJ snorted. I raised my eyebrows at him.

“Oh for real.” He blinked. “But… It’s date night?”

“I mean… we didn’t have like… plans…”

“I guess not.” AJ shrugged. “I guess I’d just rather have a night with you but…” He ran his eyes over my body slowly. Hmmm. Good point.

“Well… I know you haven’t been keen in the past but…” I took a deep breath. “Maybe you’d want to come? And we can bail early and…” I keep my eyes practically glued to the floor as I asked, only peeling them away agonisingly slowly as I realised AJ wasn’t replying.

“You’re not stupid.” He said coldly as my eyes met his. “Why are you asking me a question you know the answer to?”

“Well… I didn’t know if you might have changed your mind?” I smiled weakly at him. “It’s just a pub quiz with my mates, I think you’d enjoy it.”

“You know exactly how I feel about that.” He grunted.

“The last time we had this conversation I was 18.” I reminded him. “My friends are adults now.”

“They’re still too young for me.” He rolled his eyes. “We have nothing in common.”

“AJ.” I gently reached for his hand. “You realise that’s dumb right?”

“Dumb?” His eyes flashed. His whole body went stiff and cold like he was frozen. His fingers slipped from mine and I winced at my stupid choice of words. “Says you.” His hand was suddenly on my chin, clenching it between his thumb and forefinger so hard. I swallowed and felt my Adam’s apple against his grip. He was staring at me, searching my face for something and I looked away. I didn’t mean that. He knew I didn’t mean that. But my throat was so dry I couldn’t form the words all of a sudden. “First you ask me to do something I don’t want to do. Then you belittle me for it.” He jerked my chin up and our eyes met. “What’s that about, Rubey?”

“I didn’t…”

“Think?” He suggested.

“Yeah.” I swallowed. “Mean it.” I managed. “I didn’t mean you were dumb. And I don’t care. You’re right, it’s a stupid pub quiz, I’d rather be with you anyway.”

“Good.” He kissed my forehead. My jaw throbbed lightly in pain.

—— —– —–

“Fuck, space cadet, get some sleep.” Joel thumped down next to me ahead of the meeting that afternoon. I really needed to adjust my roster so I wasn’t getting to bed at 3am and getting up again work at 6.30. I’d managed to get through the day, but it was in that dozy zombie state where I reacted 30 seconds too slow to everything around me. I glared at Joel and cradled my coffee.

“That bad?”

“Awful.” He winced as he took me in. He checked his phone and motioned for me to stand up and follow him. “Come have a dart.” He offered. “The cold air will perk you up.”

“I don’t need a smoke.”

“You do.” He laughed. “Sit with me while I smoke then, whatever.”

“K.” I grunted, stumbling after him. We sat down and I stared at the parking lot, taking the durry he offered automatically and lighting it up.

“You’re at Jetts eh?”

“Huh?”

“The gym?” Joel rolled his eyes a tiny bit. I sipped on my coffee and tried to clear my head.

“Well, yeah. Like everyone.”

“That was my idea.” Joel grinned. “They get a discount for signing a bunch of people up, and it’s like an extra $10 a week per person or whatever which is way cheaper than a pay rise.” He yawned. “Which I wasn’t getting anyway but this way they feel like they’ve done something good.” He glanced at me. “What are you squatting? Looks decent.”

“Thanks.” I felt myself turn a bit pink. Great. So my biggest fear was confirmed and people were watching and judging me at the gym. “Um. I dunno. 80 on the bar?” I glanced at him. I was exaggerating. His eyebrows raised a little and he nodded.

“Huh.” He didn’t betray if that was impressive or pathetic. “That’s good. Getting up to your body weight?”

“Ish.” Ugh. My face was on fire. I was so not built for gym talk. “Uh…you?”

“120.” He took a drag of his cigarette as I cringed at myself. Ugh. Triple what I could actually consistently manage. “We could both push it.” He said thoughtfully. “Get to double our body weight I reckon.”

“Uh… I’m not aiming to be an elite athlete….” I laughed awkwardly.

“Na it’s fun though.” He stretched out. “Gotta stay on top of your body in a job like this.” I looked pointedly at his cigarette- not that I had much of a leg to stand on there.

“Ah, yeah.” He laughed. “One step at a time.”

“Hmm.” I grunted non committedly. I couldn’t understand what we were doing here. Small talk wasn’t exactly our thing. Small talk like I was some sort of gym bro was almost comical.

“So… look.” Joel suddenly shuffled closer to me. “I’m about to get reamed. Any chance you could… talk me up a bit in this meeting?”

“Are you?” I glanced at him. The whole conversation was suddenly starting to make a lot more sense.

“That extractor fan.” Joel groaned. “Completely my fuck up. It was due for maintenance three months ago and that’s on me to book that in, and I didn’t… and then I fucking turned it off the other day and it wouldn’t switch back on which is why there was a drama… anyways. Sweet talk them into not firing me? You’re way better with words than I am.”

“Why did you turn it off?” I frowned. “To hot box the kitchen?” Joel put his head in his hands and winced at me through his splayed fingers.

“Pretty much?”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I swore at him.

“I know!” He whined. “But you said I did a good job when I realised I’d fucked everything up!”

“Before I realised YOU had fucked everything up!” I snorted. “What are you asking me for here?”

“Can you just say I kept my cool or whatever and we had excellent comms which saved the day? And I’ll say I’ve learned my lesson about maintenance…. And neither of us mention that I was fiddling around with anything yeah?” I stared at him and glanced at his cigarette packet. Joel handed me another one without a word said. The thing was, no one really wanted the owners poking around in anyone’s shit more than they already did. And they absolutely would start poking around if they heard that. Besides which, it wouldn’t be bad for Joel and I to be a team for the first time in our lives. And if I had loyalty to anyone in this place it was always gonna be staff over owners. I looked up to see Joel grinning at me. “I owe you one.” He punched my shoulder in camaraderie.

“You owe me more than one.” I grumbled.

“I got you.” He jumped up and offered me his hand. “And you really do look like shit. You have tonight off yeah? You should rest up.”

“You’re so damn charming, Joel. Can’t imagine why you’re single.” I rolled my eyes as I let myself be led back into the restaurant.

“I’m a chef, that’s why I’m single.” He winked at me as we sat down and waved to Lydia and Marty who were at the other end of the room, walking towards us. “Frankly I’m astonished anyone would date you with the unsociable hours.”

He said unsociable hours. I heard that. But I didn’t go in. The bit that went in was ‘I’m astonished anyone would date you.”

At least we had a meeting to distract me.

—

“Why didn’t you stop service the second you found out the extractor was broken?!” Marty had his eyes closed and his hand across his forehead. I could feel Joel tense up.

“Because…”

“We had $10,000 of tabs open.” I interrupted before he could say something stupid. “Joel and I made the call together to keep service going. There was no disruption. He made sure the kitchen was safe to work in. To be honest I would have argued even if he had tried to stop service.” Marty turned to me.

“And what was the problem? Have we had anyone out to look at it?” A vein in Joel’s neck was pulsing. I got it actually. It’s wildly irritating to be spoken down to by an owner who doesn’t know the first thing about how his restaurant operates.

“Yep!” I said brightly. “Joel’s booked them in for every six months going forward as well, you know, as a…”

“Preventative.” Joel muttered.

“Well… brilliant work then.” Lydia smiled, her plasticky lipstick glinting in the light. Joel and I glanced at each other and smiled thinly back. These people… you just can’t trust them. They’re from a different world.

“Thanks.” Joel mumbled. “And thanks, ah, space- ah, Rueben. He uh. You got a good level head.” He nodded at me without meeting my eye.

“God, the time.” Lydia suddenly jumped as she looked at her phone. “Alright, you two enjoy your nights off. Have a glass of wine before you go, on us.”

We stood up and hugged and shook hands and I felt the weight leaving my shoulders as I heard the squeak of the back door. I glanced at Joel.

“You can have a beer.” I suggested.

“Thanks.” He laughed. “Waiting for Kurt to finish up anyway. He’s dragging me to a pub quiz.” Joel thumped back down heavily and pulled out his phone. I glared at at Kurt from across the room as I put through our staff drinks on the point of sale. What the fuck? I thought Kurt had just as many problems with Joel as I did. Not that I cared. Not like I was going.

I sat down and pulled out a book. Joel snorted.

“Something funny?” I asked him stiffly.

“Yes, you book reading, Merlot drinking, wanker.” He shook his head at me. “I’ll bet $10 you studied Philosophy at University.”

“What’s wrong with philosophy?”

“Well, you’re managing a restaurant aren’t you? So can’t have been the best choice you ever made.”

“I studied music.”

“Really?” He glanced at me. “What do you play?”

“Percussion.”

“Oh even fucking better.” He laughed. “I can see you in a suit with a triangle.” He cracked himself up and I went back to my novel.

“What’s this?” He grabbed the book off me and inspected the back cover. “A magpie? Is this for kids?” I balled my fist up under the table.

“Yeah, maybe you’d like it?” I responded. “If you ever managed to finish that book about that caterpillar who was like, really hungry?”

“Fuck off, nerd.” Joel laughed. “Yeah, not much of a reader.” He peered at the page I was on. “I have dyslexia.” He informed me between mouthing words silently. “This is weird.” He frowned. “Talking magpie?”

“Well, luckily, no one’s forcing you to give a shit.” I pulled the book off him just in time for Kurt to arrive with our drinks and pick it up.

“Oh I’ve been meaning to read this.” He inspected the cover. “Better or worse than ‘Pet’?” He handed me my wine and poured Joel’s beer one handed while studying the book. He’s a bit magic actually. We should probably pay him more.

“Objectively maybe a less perfectly crafted book, but I like it more.”

“Oh god, you two are the worst.” Joel moaned.

“Shhh baby, the grown ups are talking.” Kurt rolled his eyes. “Yay!” He suddenly looked up from the book and at me. “Pub quiz!”

“Oh you’re coming?” Joel asked.

“Na, I have plans.”

“Oh.” Joel nodded.

“What plans?” Kurt put his hands on his hips and raised his eyebrows at me. “And if any of the words out of your mouth are ‘cook’, ‘AJ’, or ‘dinner’, I’m not having it.”

“My partner and I were going to have a stay at home date night.” I folded my arms. “Allowed?”

“He’s literally chained to his boyfriend.” Kurt informed Joel. “When was the last time you two spent a night apart?”

“We spend most nights apart because I’m here until 1am.” I could see Kurt open his mouth to argue. “It’s not going to work.” I told him. “I made up my mind.” I glanced at the time. “I’m going for a cigarette.” I mumbled. Without a word Kurt sighed, glanced at Joel, and returned with two coffee mugs that we dutifully poured our drinks into before heading outside.

“Well. I owe you a thanks.” Joel shrugged. “For…”

“You already said thank you.” I stopped him.

“No, that was a thank you in advance; this is a thank you for doing a good job.” He grinned.

“All good.” I pointedly pulled out my book and we sat in silence as I read. I would have to go back and reread the same words over and over again because every now and then Joel would sigh, or mutter something under his breath and it distracted me. Eventually he stood up.

“Kurt must be finishing up.” He yawned. “Have fun tonight.” He winked lewdly.

“You too.” I said.

—- —- —- 2.

You know that liminal space between theory and praxis? Between conscious incompetence and conscious competence? Between asleep and awake? The push and pull of comfort and discomfort? The will to stick in the same place you know, and the drive to move somewhere else…

He smelled different. I frowned and let the smell penetrate my consciousness before anything else. He smelled like whiskey and something sweet. Something fresh and fruity and kind of feminine.

“You’re home.” I blinked my eyes open. They were irritated and puffy. AJ looked at my face and I saw his eyes fall in the corners. For half a second I felt good that he felt bad. “What time is it?” I glanced at my phone. 9.30pm. Oh.

“I got caught up at work.” He swept his coat off, and tucked his shoes away. He glanced at the oven. “I already ate, baby, I’m sorry.” He sighed.

“I called.” I said. As if he didn’t know.

“My phone was off. Late meeting. I’m really sorry darling.”

“It’s just… if I knew you were busy I could have…”

“I know.” He sounded annoyed now.

“Well. I guess this will be nice for lunch.” I got off the couch and brushed past him to the kitchen. I set out two lunch boxes and carefully scraped out the beautifully pan roasted carrots with honey and thyme and rosemary and chilli into them. I arranged the lamb cutlets and tore up the garlic flatbread, wrapping it up in beeswax paper before placing it in a different compartment on top. AJ was pouring himself another whiskey. I filled the sink up with soapy water and placed the baking sheet pan in it to soak. I glanced at AJ.

“Going out for a smoke.” I mumbled. His head jerked up at me.

“The rule is not at home.”

“Well, I’ll go down to the street.” I reached for my coat and AJ tutted.

“Disgusting.” He rolled his eyes as he rattled through the china cabinet. He handed me an ashtray. “On the balcony. But don’t think this is happening again anytime soon.”

“Honestly, I’ll head down.” I yawned. “I could do with the exercise.”

“Don’t be stupid.” AJ sighed, opening the balcony door and ushering me out.

“Thanks.” I mumbled as he shut the door.

I shook my head at myself and didn’t light up. I had never smoked at home. I tried to limit myself to breaks at work and even then I still tried to shower before I’d see AJ. He was right about smoking. It was the industry that made me start, the camaraderie, the quick little pulse away from everything you got, and, a dark part of me admitted, I was scared my appetite would increase if I stopped. So why now?

Because I was fucking raging. Who the fuck did he think he was, basically FORBIDDING me going out and then DITCHING me without a fucking text to explain it?! What the fuck?! And he reeked of whiskey. He reeked before he’d cracked the bottle open. What kind of meeting would you be drowning yourself in single malt for? Single malt and… perfume.

Late nights. No sex. Perfume.

I closed my eyes.

“Are we ok?” I swung the door open. AJ glanced up from his phone. He paused as he looked at me and slowly arranged his face into a look of confusion.

“What do you mean, baby?” He said softly, motioning for me to join him on the couch.

“I mean: are we ok?” I sat heavily beside him and closed my eyes. “Its been weeks since we had a night together…”

“We had Monday together.” He interrupted.

“Ok, sure.” I sighed. “Is it the weight?” I mumbled, as close to silently as I could manage. “I’m going to the gym.” I offered.

“That’s good.” He kissed my head and pulled me in to cradle him. “What are you asking, Rubey?”

“You don’t find me attractive anymore, do you?” I’d buried my head in his arm and it came out muffled. But he heard.

“Enough of this crap.” He pulled me off him, shaking me a little. “I think you’re gorgeous. A little weight doesn’t change that. And it’s just a phase anyway. You’re working too hard and I never see you. I’m working too hard too, I know.” He sighed and brushed his fingers against my cheek. “I’ve been meaning to ask you.” He sighed and took my hands. His fingers entwined with mine and a serious look crossed his face. My heart thumped. “Rueben… would you… consider…” He caressed my fingers. I felt my breath trapped in my chest. “Stepping back from work?” He asked.

I pulled my hands away without thinking.

“What?!” I recoiled from him.

“Rubey, don’t.” He winced. “Look. It’s not good for you. You’re eating like shit, you’re smoking, you’re tired and I never see you. You don’t even want this job! You used to be in orchestras! Why don’t you find a nice little community orchestra, and I’ll buy you a recording set up and you can do what you love?”

“And… cook and clean for you?” I spat out.

“You already cook and clean for me.” He laughed. I couldn’t see the joke. “Oh, sweetheart.” He shook his head as he saw my face. “This wasn’t meant to be an attack. I love you and I want you to be ok. I want the happy guy I first met back. And I know you- you want to be the best at everything you do. Even the things you hate. But I make good money now. I am more than happy to support us. And you can do the things you’ve always wanted. Write a novel, or a symphony. I’m trying to offer you a way out of misery.”

“Why?” I whispered.

“Because I love you?” He frowned. “I want you to be happy? Jesus Christ, Rueben. Don’t look at me like that.”

“I….” My eyes closed. For half a second I yearned for it. The domestic bliss of nothing but creativity before me. Every night spent in the arms of my beloved. A novel? Why not?! I could take creative writing classes, if he’d let me…

Let me.

“I… I can’t.” I shook my head.

“The restaurant survived before you. It will survive after you.”

“I need a job.”

“Take a part time one.”

“AJ…”

“I knew you’d be like this.” His arms unwrapped themselves from me like a snake uncoiling its grip. “You know how many guys would kill for an offer like that?”

“So date them.” I said.

“Oh fuck you.” He stood up and strode out of the room.

“Where are you going?” I called.

“Warming up the spare room.” AJ shouted over his shoulder. I leapt to my feet and raced after him.

“AJ…” I caught his shoulder. “I’m sorry. Come on… Please…”

“You want to break up? Is that it?” He removed my hand.

“NO! Of course not! It’s just a lot to take in! I have to think about it!”

“Think about it in the spare room.” He said. “Would have thought you’d be grateful since you seem to think I’m such a fucking monster. I’m not comfortable with you in my bed right now.”

“AJ, can we talk, please?”

“Can we just call it a night, Ruben?” AJ stared at me coldly. “Talk later.” I opened my mouth to argue. I stepped forward, to throw myself into his warm embrace and beg for forgiveness. I reached out- but I paused as I saw his right fist clench. Our eyes met, just for half a second, before I dropped my gaze.

“Yeah.” I swallowed. “Sorry.”

He didn’t talk to me after that, and I could hear the bolt sliding on the bedroom door as I tidied the kitchen. I groaned to myself. It had been ages since he’d frozen me out like that. I thought we’d moved past it.

But

I wrote him a proper apology. I dashed out to get dying flowers and chocolate from the all night petrol station down the road, wrapping them up in paper with a sprig of Rosemary I liberated from the bushes downstairs. I arranged everything on the table and crossed my fingers that he’d wake up in a better mood, and I’d make it home at a reasonable hour, and we could have a nice dinner together and everything would be fine again.

I approached the spare room with lead feet, shuffling slowly to the bed and wincing as I looked around. The chill had been taken off, but everything was stale and clinical, and nothing could drown out the churning in my gut and the stinging in my eyes. I tried to breathe deeply, to calm myself down, because I kept thinking the same thing over and over, even though I tried to drown it out with music-

Why did he do this to me? Why did I have to be punished like this? What the fuck was wrong with him?

I groaned and turned over. I never used to blame him when we fought. It was usually pretty obvious what I’d done, and I always regretted it and tried not to do it again. But I couldn’t shut myself up this time… I just kept thinking it was so unfair. I sat up and chewed on my lip as I stared down the corridor and imagined banging on the door to our bedroom and demanding he let me in. I wouldn’t yell at him, I’d just tell him we needed to forgive each other and that I loved him and I couldn’t sleep. And he ought to be so embarrassed that he’d locked me out, and wrap his arms around me and kiss me and it ought to be water under the bridge.

I’d seen it in his eyes though. I didn’t really want to push that flash of anger. He would never hurt me. Never. I knew that. But he was particular. He might lash out at someone banging on his door in the middle of the night without thinking.

—– —- —- 3.

Early shifts are my favourite, even though I’m half asleep. Once upon a time I was a morning person. I liked going for a run and watching the sun rise. I liked the crispness of the morning, before the birds started to sing, everything poised in anticipation.

Late shifts have their charms. I prefer dinner service. I’m more in tune with things. I like the hum and the smell of liquor in the warm air. I like night people- they’re fun, and weird, and tell me stories.

The mid shift is the worst. I get nothing done with the morning, nothing done with the evening, and I never find my rhythm. The day drags and I never feel like I have anything to show for it.

I was off the floor, fixing the glassware shelves at the back that had fallen THANKFULLY between services with only a few glasses on them. Most of my staff are uni students and wouldn’t know how to put together flat pack, let alone drill a hole. The chefs are useless- they speak food and knives and know good dealers; but they live on furniture made from old pallets. Lydia and Marty would hire a contractor who’d charge them triple. I was salaried, the restaurant was quiet, and while I did like my job; I liked fixing things even more.

I glanced up as I worked, and my eyes widened as, unbelievably, AJ appeared at the front of the room.

He’d never done that before. I actually couldn’t be sure he even knew where I worked. He loved me, but he didn’t always pay attention. He never exactly said it, not in so many words, but I knew that my inability to do anything with the degree he’d supported me through, and the fact that I’d taken hospitality job after hospitality job disappointed him. Life seemed more straightforward for him. He finished Uni and got a job and got promotions and ended up with the other smart, well groomed elite who discussed stock options. I couldn’t even nail an audition, despite the first class accolades and recommendations from professors.

But there he was, deflecting Kurt, who’s eyes were widening as they spoke, and giving me a tiny nod of acknowledgment as he checked his watch and sat down at the bar, a giant bunch of flowers that were DEFINITELY not from a gas station placed carefully beside him. I felt myself soften as I looked at him. And then I heard Joel clear his throat.

“I could have done that.” He gestured at the shelves.

“You could have. But I already did.” I started loading glassware back on and he stopped me. He looked at the shelving and grabbed it, giving it a hard shake. “What the fuck…”

“Oh. Solid work.” He nodded at me. “Where’d you learn that?”

“Philosophy class.” I stood up. Joel laughed.

“You’re a bit more well rounded than I gave you credit for.” He folded his arms and grinned at me.

“No ones ever suggested I wasn’t well rounded.” I glanced at him, taking the easy joke about my weight before he could. “Well. Since you’re hanging around like a bad smell anyway, maybe you could finish this up. Since you owe me.”

“Oui, chef.” He grinned, taking the tray of glasses from me as I waved to AJ. “Is that Romeo?” He followed my gaze. “Huh.”

“What?”

“Just ‘huh’.” Joel widened his eyes innocently. “Silver fox.” He continued, as I started to walk away. I rolled my eyes.

I walked slowly over to AJ, bouncing on my toes to make myself seem more awake. He reached for me as I approached him and sighed as he pulled me in for a hug.

“I can’t apologise enough.” He pressed his head to mine. “I am an ass. Works been hell, all these late nights… I’m losing myself, angel. But that’s not an excuse. I’m sorry, darling.”

“You’re forgiven.” I let my arms wrap around him as my chest settled. I knew it would be ok. It’s always ok. “And I’m sorry too. I was taken aback. I’m not… we should talk about it. Properly.”

“Flowers.” He gestured to them pointlessly. “Champagne in the fridge. I have a roast on for us. I’ll wait for you in the car and take you home.”

“Really?” I felt mountains of stress melt away. “I’m almost done. I’ll finish up, be ten minutes.”

“See you soon.” He kissed me. A real, tender kiss. On the mouth. My eyes closed and stayed closed even as he pulled away. “Love you.” He whispered softly.

I watched him go, blinking furiously in case my lack of sleep was giving way to visions. Kurt’s derisive snort woke me up and I glanced at him.

“The famous AJ.” He said, following my gaze. “Shorter than I imagined.” He gave me a look. I’ve known Kurt for about a year. I hired him almost as soon as he walked in the door because he practically shone with confidence. He was the first person outside of AJ I’d really clicked with in years. None of my friends I’d met casually at school or Uni seemed to be long term- I guess my lifestyle was always a bit out of step with everyone else’s. I hardly ever made it to parties or drinks or anything really and no one has time to stay in touch with someone who doesn’t put the effort in.

Kurt has a way of getting under your skin and sticking there though. The first day we worked together we were doing bits and making each other laugh all day. He could draw secrets out of the dead and make the most antisocial person in the world want to go out for a few pints. He was tall, with a booming voice and a shock of unruly blonde hair that was always half curly and half straight and sticking out at odd angles. I think I had the tiniest crush on him at first; but I wasn’t single and he wasn’t gay so I managed to stop that in its tracks before it got out of control. I didn’t manage to avoid his friendship though, which I felt blessed with most of the time, and annoyed with now that I could read him and he could read me and I knew he was itching to say something.

“What?” I asked. He shook his head, his lips tight.

“No. Nothing.” He avoided my eye. “You won’t want to hear it.” He grumbled as I stared at him.

“When has that ever stopped you?”

“Hmm.” Kurt leant in the bar and shook his head. “Look. Working late? Being stressed? Buying you outrageous flowers?” He winced. “Come on. That’s textbook he’s cheating on you shit.”

“You’re delusional.” I groaned. “I can’t believe he shows up with the most romantic thing ever and you still have an issue with him.”

“You guys are having intimacy issues.” Kurt shrugged. “This fits.”

“You’re insane.” I rolled my eyes. “We had a fight last night and he’s apologising. That’s literally it.”

“What did you fight about?” Kurt leaned even closer and I cringed. Kurt wouldn’t get it. I knew what he’d say if I told him the truth.

“Who’s turn it was to do the dishes.” I lied.

“I can always tell when you’re lying.” He scoffed. “And you’d never argue about that because I bet you do them 99% of the time and act like he’s a hero when he picks up the other 1%.”

“Fuck off.”

“I’m right.” I glanced at the bouquet. He was right. But he was missing a lot of context. I mostly worked nights, so it was easier for me to do chores during the day. Besides which… I paid rent and bills exactly down the middle but if we ever went OUT or saw a play or a concert or needed a new gadget for the kitchen… well. That was always AJ’s shout. And it feels like shit to know you can’t contribute. So I contributed in ways I could. I took on the bulk of running the household because I felt guilty if I didn’t. That was how it worked. “What did you fight about?” He asked quietly. “Are you ok?” He had that horrible look on his face people get where their brow is furrowed with sympathy and you just know they feel sorry for you.

“He actually offered… to support me for a bit. If I… felt like… stepping away from Ponga for a bit. Maybe.” I stared at the bar.

“Oh.” His voice was exactly as flat and scary as I was afraid it would be. Half of me had hoped he would giggle, and tell me I was the luckiest guy in the world, and I’d be insane to turn that down. “I see.”

“I just have some stock to put away, and then I’m out.”

“Don’t.” Kurt caught my hand. “We need you here. You are amazing. You can run all services. You can fix anything. You can even speak to Joel without hitting him which is a fucking miracle.”

“I thought you got along with Joel?”

“I invited him last night because I thought he might be more human outside of work.” Kurt whispered, glancing down the restaurant.

“Was he?”

“Actually yeah.” I seemed to have momentarily distracted Kurt because his gossip face suddenly turned on. “Drank way too much, had some surprisingly excellent geography knowledge although we really missed you for Music, and I meant to tell you- he was RAVING about you.”

“About me?”

“Yes!” Kurt grinned. “God, he thinks the sun shines out of your arse. Said he’s never worked with such a capable Maître D’! What do you think of that?”

“I think he was probably on some really good weed.” I laughed. “I really have to put away stock.” I tried to excuse myself and Kurt waved his arm.

“Delegate it to me.” He said. “I may not quite have the muscles you have, but I can haul some boxes down the stairs. Go have dinner with Romeo.” Romeo from him too, huh? Had they been talking quite a bit about me? “And… don’t leave. I just… I get a bad feeling about that.” He looked in my eyes and we both knew he didn’t mean because of Pongakawa.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

—– —- —

Dinner was amazing. Probably a hundred times better because I didn’t have to cook.

“I thought I was the chef?” I grinned at AJ. “What the hell did you do to these vegetables?” That’s a skill I learned from my Mum. Asking questions you know the answer to. The vegetables were perfect, because AJ won’t do something unless he can do it perfectly. He’d read enough Samin Nosrat to know how to salt a pot, and use duck fat, and crisp them in a cast iron pan. But I looked at him dreamily while he explained that all to me, and when to start a lamb, and how to check the temperature, and how long it needed to rest for. His eyes would be bright when he told me things like this, explaining it patiently and with a hint of pride he couldn’t play down if he tried to. I played my part, marveling at how clever he was and how perfect he was. I even had to stop myself from going back for more. I’d skipped breakfast and didn’t have time for lunch and the effect of half a pack of cigarettes seemed to be wearing off. AJ grinned with delight and talk drifted to our days, to the office, to his job I didn’t really understand until the champagne was gone and the red we’d started on was half empty.

Eventually I looked at the mess he’d made of the kitchen and made a mental note of how long that was gonna take to clean up. At least I had the day to clean tomorrow because there was laundry as well. I started to pick up our plates and AJ stopped me, gently touching my wrist as I drifted near him.

“Let’s watch something.” He yawned. “You can do this later.”

“Alright.” I smiled.

We were part of the way through Mozart in the Jungle which was just cerebral enough for AJ. He liked to commentate for me; talking shit about composers and how the industry worked.He likes to know everything. I really used to think he did know everything. I sort of gently ignored him now, because I didn’t really want to fight, and I didn’t really mind the sound of his voice, even if he did seem to have forgotten what exactly the degree I majored in was. I liked lying on his lap while he stroked my hair and we both talked about how utterly hot Gael Garcia Bernal was and how fabulous Bernadette Peters was and who would win in a fight between her and Polly Walker.

I was lying on him, my hand drifting around his neck when he pulled me close and held me tenderly.

“I’m so lucky to have you.” He whispered. “I think I forget to tell you.”

“You’re not lucky.” I laughed, pressing my head into his neck. “I love you.”

“Mmm.” He pressed me closer and we shuffled until I was straddling him, the show all but forgotten as he clasped my chin and pulled me close. I felt my bones and my organs and my stress and worries drift away as he gently wrapped his hands around my waist and kissed me. His kiss was soft and his tongue danced over mine. His hips ground against me and I moaned as, for the first time in… months actually… I felt his dick harden against me.

“Fuck.” I murmured. I could hear him chuckle through our kisses as his hands drifted over my body. His hand caught mine and he guided it to his dick. I moaned as I rubbed it through his trousers, feeling my whole abdomen tense in fiery anticipation. He helped me with his belt and shuffled his trousers down as I wrapped my hand around his cock which was thick and perfect. He lay back and made a tiny moan of satisfaction as I pleasured him. I ground my hips against him as I slowly stroked his cock, wanting every second of this to last as long as possible. AJ’s hand tangled in the back of my head and he paused me, holding me back.

“Knees.” He said. I sank down immediately and pulled his trousers off, swearing to myself as I stumbled with his shoes. Once that was done I knelt up and tucked my hair behind my ears. It was getting long. But he liked it a little long. AJ’s eyes were closed and he tugged me towards his crotch, where I tried to savour him. He didn’t want that though, he was lazily thrusting inside my mouth so I closed my eyes and relaxed and knelt before him, my dick hardening as he used me. Every tiny grunt and moan he made was sending bolts of electricity through me. I was tingling in my most intimate places. Oh god, oh fuck, I’d missed him.

He sat up, and suddenly I was choking as he held my head down, painfully abusing my throat. I could hear his moans getting louder and longer, I could feel the heat from his body… I could feel him tensing and I moaned as the first spurt caught in my mouth, making me gag as he refused to let me go. My eyes were starting to water as I coughed and swallowed, still burning with desire. AJ grunted and sat back. His dick was still loosely half hard in my mouth and I pulled away gently, wiping my face and looking up at him. Please… please tell me that… wasn’t… it?

“Are you ready?” He grunted deeply. His eyes opened halfway as he looked at me, panting between his legs.

“Five minutes.” I moaned, staggering to my feet.

“Good. Hurry.” He closed his eyes and lay back as I launched myself to the bathroom. Even at the very beginning he was always careful. He introduced me to everything I knew about my sex drive. He taught me what felt good for both of us and how to make it the best it could be every time. He was particular. I’d never be anything other than pristine when we fucked. I launched myself in the shower and cleaned myself up perfectly in record speed. I spent some time loosening myself – AJ didn’t really like to spend a lot of time on foreplay and it felt better for both of us if I’d warmed myself up. I dried off, still a little damp but he wouldn’t care, and ran back to the living room where AJ was scrolling his phone. I frowned as I realised he’d put his trousers back on. His eyes drifted over me.

“You didn’t shave.” He frowned. I touched my chin self consciously.

“Oh. I can.”

“Never mind.” He sighed. “It’s late anyway.”

“Huh?” I walked over to him and straddled him, my cock still hard, pressing into his thigh. I took his hand and kissed it. “You prefer it when I shave? It won’t take long.”

“You really have to fucking ask me if I prefer it when you shave?” AJ snapped, peeling me away from him.

“Ok, sorry.” I looked awkwardly at him. “It really won’t take long.”

“Not in the mood anymore.” AJ sighed. “You may as well clean up.”

“What?! Why?” I wrapped my arms around my torso. “I’m all… ready… I… I…” I trailed off. I had no idea what I was trying to say. I looked up at him. “Did I fuck it up that badly by not shaving?” I practically whispered. AJ’s face softened a little looking at me. He pulled me back towards him.

“It really is late.” He pressed my head to his chest. I almost sobbed in frustration. I had done EVERYTHING. Only not everything. Because I didn’t shave? I was too horny to even realise that was something he’d like, let alone a caveat! Why didn’t he reject me before I’d… bothered with anything? Was he punishing me again? What did I even do? But if he was tired and it was too late I’d be such a whiny asshole to keep pushing and pushing….

“Yeah. You’re right.” I took a deep breath that sounded steadier than it felt. “Ok. I’ll clean up. I’ll see you in bed.”

“Ok.” He squeezed my shoulder as I climbed off him, my arms tightly wound around myself. I quickly reached for some sweatpants to cover me. I could feel my cheeks going red with the shame of the whole situation. I managed to block out any thoughts at all by putting my headphones in and turning up Slower while I systematically tidied the kitchen. If I could just keep moving, keep my hands busy…

Ugh. We’d been so close to being ok again.

I sighed as I turned the dishwasher on and stared glumly at the bedroom door. He hadn’t locked it at least. Maybe he really was just tired. Maybe he really didn’t know what it did to me when he wound me up and turned me down like that. I was starting to avoid mirrors because I was losing hours picking away at every flaw. I hadn’t had time for the gym in a couple of days and I pinched various parts of my body… well. That was an ongoing process. Maybe I would shave. I felt like I looked like a kid when I shaved because of my big eyes and soft features and keeping my stubble mascs it up a bit… but…

I hung out the laundry on the drying rack and accidentally caught sight of myself in the French door separating the kitchen and laundry. I trailed my hand over my chest. Maybe I needed to shave it all. Maybe I needed to strip away a layer of something. Maybe I needed to get my relationship back to a reset point.

I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth, avoiding my own eye and reading shampoo bottles. My hand almost absentmindedly drifted to my cock, which twitched urgently at my touch. The build up with no pay off was almost starting to be painful and I moaned as I closed my eyes and played with myself gently. The toothbrush stopped buzzing and I looked at myself guiltily as I swirled some mouthwash. I could do it really fast. I could probably make myself cum in five minutes easy. I stared at the dusting of hair across my pecs and the dark trail between my abdomen. Yeah I’d jerk off, and then I’d shave my whole chest and face, and this time I’d keep everything shaved forever.

I still had my earbuds and I shuffled my sweatpants down as I looked up some porn on my phone. It literally didn’t matter at all what I was watching, my dick was just desperate for some attention. In all honestly my hole was even more desperate but I was probably a fraction not desperate enough to shove a shampoo bottle up my ass. I stifled a moan as the ads started to play. Even the ads were doing it for me. I let myself collapse on the toilet and I wrapped one hand around my dick as the other gently squeezed my balls and circled my hole. My dick throbbed in my hand and my hole twitched. I’m sure there was moisturiser nearby but I was starting to feel desperate, so I brought my hand to my mouth and slobbered on my fingers as I kept thrusting into my other hand. I was biting back the sounds of pleasure from touching myself, but my breathing was heavy, and hearing my own strained grunts and moans tangling with the boys from the porn I’d put on was turning me on so much. I whimpered as I penetrated myself gently with a finger… it had been a while, a really long time, and I gasped as I went straight for my sweet spot. I could feel my hands getting slippery with pre. I thrust harder, penetrating myself deeper as my dick throbbed in my hands…

“What the fuck are you doing?!”

My heart froze. My body was going into overdrive. I scrambled to get myself together, grabbing a towel as I launched myself my from the toilet seat. My phone clattered on the floor and an ear bud fell into the sink. My face and chest were red and hot with shame. AJ was staring at me with a frown. He scanned me thoughtfully as his mouth curled up in disgust. I avoided his eye, staring at the ground as I held the towel in front of me. My sweatpants were down around my ankles and I debated reaching for them as AJ bent over and picked up my phone. He glared at me and raised his eyebrows.

“Password.” He demanded flatly. I frowned.

“What?” My voice was hoarse and quiet. “I was just…”

“Pretty obvious what you were doing.” AJ rolled his eyes. “The question is who with.”

“No one!” I looked at him in horror. “Just… porn.” I stammered. AJ pursed his lips and tapped his foot. I looked at my phone in his hand, which was tense, clutching it so tightly I was almost scared he’d crush it. “060889.” I mumbled. His face softened a little bit as he looked at me and unlocked the phone. I awkwardly pulled my joggers up and wrapped the towel over my shoulders. It was so saccharine, having his birthday as my passcode, but it had seemed kind of cute and funny at the time and I never thought to change it. It was probably a good thing for me that I did stupid stuff like that because I could see his body relaxing, and tiny lines of concern fade from his face as he fiddled with my phone- looking for god knows what. Messages? Grindr? Whatever it was he wasn’t going to find it. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, looking at me; taking in how stupid I looked with my dick still half hard from the adrenaline and the towel draped around me like I was trying to protect myself from something. He stepped close and gave me back my phone.

“I never see you. You’re acting weird. You’ve got this whole new look.” AJ ran his hand over my shoulder and squeezed my bicep. “I get it. I could understand if you found someone your own age who…”

“Stop it.” I stepped closer to him and grasped his shoulders. I glared at him. He was taller than me but I drew myself up as tall as I could and felt myself shaking him slightly. “AJ, stop it. You know I love you! I don’t want anyone else. You know that.” AJ nodded slowly. His hands circled my wrists and he gently pulled my arms away from his shoulders, and wrapped them around his waist. He brushed a strand of hair off my face and clasped my chin.

“Tell me you need me to finish you off next time.” He said quietly.

“Ok.” I could feel my cheeks heating up again. He squeezed my chin tight.

“Now?” He growled. I looked away from him in embarrassment. I was in a strange only half lucid state and my guts and feet were itching to run away… but my balls were aching.

“Please.” I let myself fall against him. He clasped me tight and snaked his hand into my trousers.

It didn’t take long. His hand was bigger than mine, and he squeezed my cock tight as he pressed me to his chest. I inhaled his scent, shaking with everything. Lust, and also shame, and also fear… not that any of it mattered because my whole body was wound up in this tight rubber band ball that was stretched so thin….

I moaned as I came, my hips thrusting into AJ’s hand, my grip loosening around him as the wave of relaxation crashed over me. AJ held me close, his hand still wrapped around my dick as it pulsed, his other hand stroking my hair.

“Thanks.” I mumbled. He kissed my forehead and slowly removed his hand from my sweatpants and let me go. He picked up my earbud from the sink and inspected it. “That’ll be fine.” He told me, putting it to one side before washing his hands. “You feeling any better?” He glanced at me in the mirror. I nodded slowly.

“Way better.” I gave him a half hearted smile.

“Come to bed.”

“I was gonna shave.” I looked at him. “Like…” I gestured to my chest and his eyes lit up.

“Oh.” He turned around and pulled me close again. “Well, come to bed soon then.” He kissed my forehead. “Do this too.” He gently squeezed the damp fabric between my legs as he exited.

—-

I was really glad Kurt wasn’t at work the next day. I was really glad AJ had work early and I didn’t have to see him. Something weird had happened last night. We’d had a lot of shit nights. But the way he’d burst in on me, the way he’d looked at me like I was a filthy little kid doing something I shouldn’t… the way he’d taken my phone…

The way he’d stroked my body gently in the morning when he was leaving for work and told me how much better I felt now that I was smooth.

I didn’t feel better. I didn’t feel like me at all. I felt a weird deep shift occurring, and whenever I closed my eyes and thought about AJ I felt a tiny bit of darkness invading the warm glow that normally surrounded him.

I drifted through work, putting 110% in because the more I could concentrate on my job the less I had to think about how I was feeling. I splashed my face in the bathroom and noticed with satisfaction that my stubble was already coming back. Joel had given me shit when I arrived. He told me I’d shaved almost ten years off, which was actually the point, I guess, since AJ had met me ten years ago. Joel was right. I looked like a kid. AJ always had a thing for twinks.

I went for a cigarette later than usual, down to the very last table and staff member and for once I was glad to see Joel outside. Literally anything that could plug this gaping wound that something was terribly terribly wrong between AJ and I was preferable to thinking about it. Joel handed me his cigarettes and I waved him away since I had my own.

“Na, you earned it!” He grinned. “You were INCREDIBLE this evening.” He stretched out, his shirt riding up. I noticed with surprise he was wearing Andrew Christian underwear. I looked at him blankly. One of those nights where kitchen side almost everything had gone wrong- a chef not showing up, one of the ovens not working, a misdelivery of lamb shoulder so we had to axe that and sell a last second sirloin special instead. The fact that Joel was smiling was a testament to his ability to run a kitchen actually. “You made that feel smooth given how up shit creek I was.” Joel grinned at me. “Maybe it’s the new look, makes you more approachable.”

“Don’t get used to it.” I scratched my chin. “My boyfriend prefers it but I’m not sold.”

“Yeah I’m with you to be honest.” Joel laughed at me. “Tell him that twinks grow up and he’s just gonna have to deal with it.” I puffed on my cigarette silently and the lack of response stretched uncomfortably between us. Joel was wincing to himself. I glanced at him and turned my head to one side. I’d never managed to put it so succinctly in my own head. I knew something had changed between AJ and me. There was this massive distance that never used to be there. But he hadn’t really changed had he? I had. Emotionally- well that kind of happens in your 20s. Physically, yeah, loads. We met when I was still practically a kid and I’d even had a late growth spurt a year or so into dating him properly. My voice had deepened over the last few years. I knew my shoulders were broader, and now I was trying to pack on muscle where I could. I was softer, but I was also stronger. I felt myself blush. AJ was a grown up.

He wouldn’t be so shallow as to lose interest in me just because… Although….

“What happens to twinks when they grow up?” I stared at Joel. Not that I expected him to have an answer for me. I was mildly surprised he even knew what a twink was actually. He blinked.

“Why?” He asked me, sucking on his cigarette.

“I dunno. Sorry.” I mumbled.

—-

I wasn’t surprised that AJ was up when I got home just after 11. He seemed to be home later and later. He wrapped his arms around me, very cautiously, probably aware I was ~that~close to breaking, and he asked me how my day was as he poured me a wine. I only mumbled in response, but AJ pulled me on the couch with him, holding me in his lap the way he used to and laughing and joking with me until I softened a fraction. He grinned at me.

“Did you eat at work?” He kissed my cheek. I considered lying, but I didn’t have the energy.

“Nope.” I tucked myself into his shoulder. “I’m not hungry though.”

“I’m kind of hungry.” He yawned. I felt myself sigh internally and I smiled at him.

“Ok. I could probably make a salad or…”

“Absolutely not!” AJ squeezed my waist. “You spoil me, angel. I meant we should get some takeaway.”

“Oh.” I shrugged. “Yeah, ok. What are you thinking?”

“Oh I dunno.” AJ sighed. “Gimme your phone, mines charging, I’ll see what’s open.” I kept my body as relaxed against his as I could, reaching into my pocket and handing over my phone. The act felt more serious than it should have. He was smiling, he was holding me, everything was fine… and in spite of any of that I couldn’t help but feel like I was handing over something bigger than my phone. I was giving him access to me at all times. He’d know if I ever changed my password. Maybe tonight it was just to look at delivereasy, sure… but then maybe there would be another excuse tomorrow and maybe one day he wouldn’t even bother with an excuse, he’d just pick my phone up….

It’s not like I had anything to hide. But that wasn’t the point was it?

AJ’s hand ran through my hair as he debated the merits of curry or stir fry and I tried to tell myself it was all in my head. I was making things weird because we were both tired and on edge and everything over the last few days just felt fucked up because of it.

“You’re quiet, sweetheart.” He glanced at me and I twisted my lips.

“Tired.” I said. “And things have been…”

“Yeah.” AJ held me close. “They have.” He sighed deeply. “Last chance to put in an order or I’ll choose for you.” He said.

“Yeah, you choose.” I shrugged. “Thanks.” AJ flicked an order through and I watched out of the corner of my eye as he scrolled my phone for a minute, looking through my aps and opening the last google searches I’d done. He put it down and yawned again. I felt small. I felt stupid. I felt lost.

“Hey… you still love me, don’t you?” The words slipped out before I could stuff them back in and I cringed at how pathetic I sounded. AJ sighed and shuffled, rolling me over his body to straddle him. He took my hands and stroked my cheek.

“I’d die without you.” He said. “I honestly don’t know what I’d do. I feel like I’m saying sorry a lot lately but I am sorry. I just feel like you’ve been working so hard and I never see you and all the worst parts of me… the jealous, needy, gross parts of me… they just bubble up.” He circled my waist with his hands. “I wish you’d quit.” He said.

“I’m thinking about it.”

“Good.” He trailed his hand over my chest. “Even just some time off. Reevaluate things. We’d have time together. We could maybe… start therapy actually. I’ve been thinking about that.”

“Oh.” I felt the frosty weird feeling I’d been carrying around start to melt and the bile in my stomach calm down fractionally. AJ looked at me with big wide eyes.

“I know some time off would do you the world of good, Rubey.”

“You’re probably right there.” I smiled weakly.

“And you know, if you did never want to go back after that.” He sighed. “I’m sure we could work something out.” There was something in the way his eyes narrowed when he said that. He looked steely. Hungry. The bile rose up again.

We both flinched as my phone dinged and AJ reached for it. “Delivery guy is downstairs.” He stretched out.

“I’ll grab it.” I offered. I just needed to be out of there. I even left my phone with him, pretty sure he’d be all through it, reading my notes and emails, for no real reason except he could. I bolted out the door and paused as the cool air in the apartment complexes corridor hit me in the face. I took a deep breath. It was so hard sometimes to know what I was thinking, because I spent so much time trying to push things down and deal with what was immediately in front of me.

I took the stairs.

The thought of quitting felt amazing.

I listened to the tread of my feet.

The thought of no independence though…. The thought of no money that was mine… the thought of owing AJ everything in my life… I already owed him so much!

I reached the bottom of the staircase, breathing slightly heavy from the pace I’d set as I thought to myself. The delivery guy was standing in the doorway looking bored out of his mind and he yawned as he saw me.

“Alex James?” He asked hopefully.

“Yeah, thanks.” I sprinted over to him and he smirked as I reached him, his eyes traveling from the soles of my feet all the way to the top of my head. I could feel my face growing warm, although that could have been the run down several flights of stairs. He very carefully started to unpack whatever AJ had ordered for us, warning me it was hot and asking if I needed a hand.

“I’m good.” I thanked him. He gave me a little half smile and stopped me as I began to turn to the lifts.

“Hold up.” He said. “You got your phone?”

“It’s… upstairs.” I stumbled on my words, hoping I didn’t need my phone to prove anything.

“Ok.” He grabbed my receipt from the bag and I stared at him as he scribbled something on it before handing it to me. I looked at the scrap of paper. A… a phone number.

“What’s this?” I asked stupidly. He smiled as his eyes roved over me again. He widened his eyes in a look of faux confusion and shrugged as if to say ‘what the hell do you think that might be you fucking moron?’. I looked between the number and him, frozen. “Thanks.” I muttered for some reason. He grinned and winked at me as he picked up his bag and retreated. I pressed the button for the lift and stared at his back as he left. I crumbled the number up.

And I put it in my pocket.

—- —- —- 4.

I was avoiding the boring day to day of ordering, and tasting wine, and planning staff trainings, and thinking about staff motivation and wage costs and everything else and getting on with my favorite part of my job.

Today I was playing with the back door because it squealed obnoxiously anytime anyone came in or left, which is not a very hospitable sound. I was in early, when we were closed, alone with my music which even I was embarrassed by most of the time. When I started lifting I got into Power Metal which I think might be the guy equivalent of Destiny’s Child or the Spice Girls. Corny, basic, and so fucking good for reasons you can’t articulate. With the drill and the headbanging going on I was completely able to tune out from myself, and everything else. Which was really good because I had a feeling if I tuned into anything I might have to start asking myself why the fuck I had some random guys number still crumpled up in the pair of trousers I’d worn yesterday.

“What the fuck is this?!” I jumped as the stereo suddenly stopped blasting PowerWolf and Joel swam into my vision.

“What are you doing here?!” I gasped. Joel raised one eyebrow and stared at me.

“I work here.” He said slowly.

“I’m just fixing the door.” I gestured pointlessly at the door I was crouched next to, half off its hinges.

“Ok. I’m prepping.” He glanced at the kitchen, and then at the stereo, and then at me. “Please tell me you have headphones.”

“Yeah, nah, no… put on whatever.” I blushed.

“Anything that’s not your crap is fine.” He rolled his eyes.

“It’s… lifting music?” I half heartedly explained.

“Try podcasts.”

“If you’re about to recommend Joe Rogan, I’m good.” I snorted in spite of myself. Joel started laughing and relaxed as he put his bag down.

“No, you dumb fag, I wasn’t. Everyone and their mum has a podcast. Try David Farrier.” I froze, staring at him. He was a major fucking cunt but he’d never f bombed me. I didn’t mind someone like Kurt calling me a dumb fag- THAT would be affectionate, and besides that he never would… but… Joel looked at me as I stared at him, his face unreadable. I could feel blood pumping through my veins and my fists clenching. What kind of… “You all good, space cadet?” He asked.

“Ok.” I stood up properly. “I know this is a new kitchen for you, but we don’t do slurs here.” I glared at him and tried to keep my breathing even as I felt my cheeks burn in humiliation, waiting for him to roll his eyes at me. “You can say whatever you want off site, but here- to me, or to anyone, that’s not acceptable.”

“Sorry.” Joel swallowed. “I didn’t mean…”

“Joel. There’s no world in which that’s ok.” I interrupted him.

“Ok.” He nodded, turning a little pink himself. “Roger that.” He cleared his throat. “Sorry Rueben. My mates… I just didn’t have a problem with it… but yeah I know people do.”

“Context.” I folded my arms.

“Gotcha.” He winced and fiddled with his bag. “I am sorry. I meant it in a nice way.” I stared at him and my lips began to twitch in spite of myself.

“What fucking rock have you been living under where there’s a ‘nice way’?!” I half giggled, while trying to maintain my stony exterior.

“The it’s 2024 and the whole queer community call each other fags all the time rock?” He smiled a tiny bit.

“Yeah, you have to be IN the queer community.” I relaxed. He was a moron. He was an asshole. But actually, he never really read like a gay basher to me. Joel grinned and held his arms up in protest.

“So I’m in the clear, you moron!” He laughed.

“Right.”

“Card carrying member and all!”

“Whatever…”

“Wait, no, this is precious Rubes. Did you seriously not know?”

“Know what?”

“I like boys.” Joel grinned. “LIKE like them.” I think it was by accident, but when he said that his eyes narrowed, and I’m sure it wasn’t what it felt like but my cheeks grew hot as he looked at me, briefly breaking eye contact and looking at my body. “I’m queer, Rubes.”

“You…” I blinked. That rush of blood to my cheeks was getting worse. I swallowed as I waited for the ground to swallow me up, but no luck there. “Like… how queer?” I squeaked out.

“Oh is there a point system?” He raised his eyebrows at me. “You’re a gold star gay so I don’t count?” He laughed and started to unpack his knives. “I absolutely take your point about certain worlds, and I swear I won’t say that again, and I am sorry it slipped out at all, but for what it’s worth, regardless of how many women I’ve been with, I fucking bet I’ve been with more men than you, so you can make a note of that.” I was so, so red. I mean. I’ve actually only been with AJ so sure, odds of him hooking up with more men than me if he… was…

“Just no slurs at work.” I quickly turned back to the door.

“Heard.” I waved him off in the most nonchalant gesture I could summon up. To my deep shame he approached me and I tried to keep working as he stared at what I was doing, his arms folded, just in my peripheral vision.

“You really know what you’re doing, don’t you?” He inspected my work.

“Kind of.” I muttered.

“You’re always happiest when you’re off the floor fixing stuff.” He leaned on the doorframe and looked at me. “Yeah?”

“Well. Uh.” I rubbed my neck. “I guess, sure. It’s kind of a reprise from the monotony of everyday bullshit.”

“And you like that no one else can do it.” He raised his eyebrows. “You like being special.” I glared at him and he looked right back, impassive.

“It’s nice to feel useful.” I said shortly. “Can I help you?”

“Nope.” He said. I grunted and turned back to the door, and to my relief, he went back to the kitchen.

—-

“Did you know Joel is bi?” I asked Kurt as soon as he sat next to me and lit up his cigarette.

“Ahhh…” He laughed. “No? Do I care? Also no? Why?”

“Oh don’t act like you aren’t the world’s biggest gossip. And I was just surprised! He’s such an asshole!”

“Yeah ‘jerk’ comes in all colours of the rainbow.” Kurt shrugged. “Thought you’d know that since you’re practically married to one.”

“Hey!” I sighed. “Ok, not today. He kind of has been a bit of a jerk lately and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“What now?”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it!” I snapped. My indignancy lasted about half a second. “He keeps going through my phone.” I let my head fall in my hands. “Is that normal?”

“Some couples do that phone access thing, yeah.” Kurt raised his eyebrows. “I think it’s controlling but I thought you didn’t want to talk about it.”

“I don’t.” I lied.

“Do you look at his phone?” Kurt ignored me.

“No.” Kurt winced and I rolled my eyes. “Look. Even if he was doing… I don’t know… whatever… do you really think he’d be stupid enough to like… leave Grindr open?”

“Good point.” Kurt nodded. “But it’s about equality. If he can snoop on you, you should be able to snoop on him.”

“I don’t even want to snoop on him. I think that’s stupid.”

“Why is he going through your phone?”

“Long story.” I moaned. “There was… this whole thing. But I kind of thought it would be a one off.”

“What kind of ‘whole thing’?” Kurt stared at me. A smile slowly came out. “Don’t tell me you have other boys’ numbers?”

“No! Why would you…” I cleared my throat as I realised I very much did have another boy’s number. And I hadn’t thrown it out all day, despite clearing my pockets of stray pens and debris several times. “Uh, no.” I finished lamely.

“Wow, you’re actually the worst liar I’ve ever met.” Kurt looked at me thoughtfully. “I sort of want to study that. You’d crack under the tiniest bit of pressure. Imagine if they could analyse that and inject criminals with whatever you have? Be a marvel for the justice system…”

“Shut up!” I laughed. “Ok, ok. I HAVE a guys number. I’m not doing anything with it, I’m not interested, it was some random delivery guy and…”

“Oooh, hot.”

“Can it!”

“Delete his number then.”

“It’s not in my phone.” I smiled thinly.

“Oh.” Kurt sighed. “So you don’t have another guys number.”

“Welll….” I winced and slowly put my hand into my pocket.

“Ahhhh.” Kurt frowned as I handed him the scrap of paper. “You’re holding on to it in case you need a new staff member?”

“I don’t know.” I winced. “Holding on to it because he thought I was hot, and that was nice.” I admitted with a sigh. “I’ll chuck it out.”

“Yeah.” Kurt sighed and crumpled it up. “Don’t lead some random guy on, I guess. Good call.” He put his arm around my shoulder. “It IS nice to feel wanted.” He squeezed me. “But you should feel wanted by AJ. You should tell him how you’re feeling.”

“I thought you wanted me to break up with him?”

“Naturally.” Kurt laughed. “Nothing’s changed. But I also want you to be an adult about things. You’ve spent what… six years with AJ?”

“Bit longer.”

“So don’t be the bad guy and get caught cheating. End it for a good reason.”

“You’re so annoying when you’re right.”

“I know.”

I still had a couple of hours of closing to go, at least half an hour of which was spent twiddling my thumbs and waiting for Joel, since we weren’t allowed to be alone in the restaurant after it was dark. Half an hour was a long time to be alone with my thoughts, and I’d accidentally left my headphones at home.

I don’t know what I was thinking, or why, or who the hell possessed me, but…

I had seen Kurt throw that number away. I picked it out of the trash, held on to it like some kind of talisman, and I was drinking my staffie while waiting for Joel- and all of that added up to something unbelievably stupid.

– Hey. You gave me your number delivering food last night.

I sent it and bit my lip.

– For Alex James, sorry, not sure how often you do that. In that apartment on Tory St.

He read it immediately.

– Heyyyyy

– Pleasant surprise to hear from you Alex 😉

– What are you up to?

– Oh, and like, never, dude. I usually use an app ha ha, but hey it worked!

I snorted. Sure.

– so, can I ask… why?

– Because I think you’re 🥵

– How?

– You first

I winced. I tried to remember what he even looked like. He was hot, but you know most people are hot enough in their own ways. If I was honest, he didn’t really like, make my heart beat faster or anything, but I wasn’t being honest. I just wanted to hear someone tell me they liked me.

– Uh, you’re tall. Sorry, that’s so cliche. Your hair is lovely- I thought only Hugh Grant could pull that off! You’re really confident. I can’t even imagine just giving a guy my number. I’m impressed and kind of intimidated

– And kind of turned on? 😛

– Ha ha

– Admit it.

– So… me?

– Oh, you’re fishing aren’t you?

– Huh?

– As if you don’t know why you’re hot. But I can indulge you. You looked fucking hot in that singlet. Your arms, dude. Nice. You’re pretty face is hot, with that sweet lil stubble you got going on. You’re a very good height.

– A good height?

– Well…. 😈😈 I think a bit of size difference is hot tbh

I glanced up as Joel entered my space with a yawn.

“Fuck man. Sorry. Didn’t mean to keep you.”

“No, no worries.”

“Just turns out the brunch crew doesn’t know how to rotate stock to save their lives.” Joel rubbed his face. “Which is like, I guess my problem. I hate telling people off.”

“Yeah fucking tell me about it.” I stood up and shoved my phone in my pocket. “Telling people they’re fucking idiots is the worst bit of my job.”

“Ah, but you do it so well.” Joel grinned as we headed to the door. “As someone on the receiving end.”

“Shut up.” I laughed.

“Sure. Dart?” Joel glanced at his phone. “Oof. Late. Lift and dart?”

“Oh I was gonna Uber but thanks…”

“Na fuck that! Come on.”

“Shit, you sure?”

“Yeah bro.”

“Uh. Thanks.” I set the alarm and locked the restaurant.

—–

“Music?” Joel asked and then immediately covered the aux. “Nope. Not your crap.”

“Ok, it’s not all crap.” I laughed. “Although I will cop to PowerWolf being crap and I think we should never speak about it again.”

“Ah-huh.” Joel drummed his steering wheel. “So what’s ‘not crap’ then. What’s the latest album you’ve been into?”

“Ahh…” I looked at my phone. “Slower? It’s um… Slayer… slowed down. Doomy.”

“Doomy.” Joel repeated. “Ugh, ok. We can try it.”

“It’s your car.” I nudged him. “What have you been listening to?”

“I’m Just Ken- on repeat for months.” He said. I started to laugh and he hit me gently. “Not even joking.” He said seriously.

“Really?”

“Put it on.” He suggested with a smile.

He knew every. Single. Word. I’d never even heard the whole thing. Not my kind of film. At least, I thought not until I heard Joel’s performance which only resulted in him drifting way too close to the centre line a couple of times as he threw his arms out wildly and played air guitar.

“We should start an air band!” I suggested, showing him my drumming skills. He glanced at me and raised his eyebrows.

“Not bad for a boy who plays the triangle.” He said.

“Percussion is drums!” I laughed. “Among other things.”

“You’re a drummer?” He frowned. “Ahhh, that explains the guns. I knew you didn’t get that lifting 40.” Ugh, I blushed furiously. Joel seemed to hear my humiliation in the silence. “I lied too.” He said, turning the music down. “I can only lift 120 on a really good day.”

“You could have fooled me.” I glanced at his frame involuntarily. “Just up here.” I pointed.

“Sweet.” He pulled over and we paused as he turned the car off. I unbuckled my seatbelt. He was staring dead ahead. I cleared my throat.

“Thanks for the lift-”

“I wasn’t watching you I just-”

We paused as we spoke over each other.

“Next time we’re in the gym together you can train me.” I suggested, trying to swallow the embarrassment.

“Ok.” He swallowed. “Hey, space cadet, I…”

He frowned. His hands left the steering wheel and before I processed anything, they were on my hips. I twisted, surprised, and saw his eyes fluttering closed as he leant in and…

His lips didn’t even quite touch mine. I felt his heat and his breath, and that was it.

“Fuck.” He swore as he lurched away. “I’m sorry Rubes. I didn’t… fuck. I’m sorry.” I watched his head hang as I tried to catch my breath.

“Thanks for the…” I paused with my hand scrabbling in the door handle. “Sorry- did you just…??”

“It’s easier for both of us if I didn’t.” Joel mumbled. “Please… forget I…”

“Why?” I stared at him. He snorted. He stared doggedly at the steering wheel for a minute as I struggled to move.

“Why?” He glanced up. “You seriously asking?”

“No. Sorry. No, I’m not. No: I don’t know what I’m rambling about. Thanks for the lift. Uh… thanks.”

“See ya.” Joel mumbled.

“Yeah, tomorrow, cheers!”

“Uh. K. Bye.” Joel grabbed the door from me as I shimmied out and slammed it shut.

—

My heart was so fucking loud. I could hear it over my footsteps as I trudged up the stairs. So loud and so fast. I kept shaking my head. No. No way what I thought just happened just happened. Why would…

No. Nothing happened.

“Late again.” AJ called as I opened the door.

“Look who’s talking.” I grinned and let myself fall onto the couch beside him. He squeezed my shoulders and pulled me close.

“Works been a lot.” He yawned. I pressed my face to his neck and murmured in agreement. I closed my eyes tight and tried to calm everything down. I’d been so crazy. HE’D been so crazy. I was working myself into a fever pitch and the only way I’d be on again is if I just grounded myself with him. I inhaled his scent as my arms wrapped around him. Ugh. Fruit again.

“New cologne?” I asked.

“Mmm.” AJ was scrolling his phone.

“It’s nice. What is it?”

“I don’t know.” He snapped. “Tried it at Workshop earlier.”

“Ok.” I tensed up a little. “Just wondering. I like your usual stuff too.”

“Your phone is ringing.” He nudged me as I reached for it. Must have been an alarm I’d accidentally set or…

My face went pale as I pulled it from my pocket to silence the alarm. Only it wasn’t an alarm. It was a phone call. And rejecting the call only brought up a bunch of messages I hadn’t seen because I’d totally forgotten I’d even been… fuck. Why the fuck didn’t I …

AJ went very stiff. Shit.

“Oh lord, that’s Kurt from work, he’s having me on.” I laughed awkwardly, trying to hide my phone. AJ sat up.

“Is it, now?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, he…” AJ sighed heavily and held out his hand. I stared at him. He gestured for my phone.

“Seriously?”

“Don’t whine.”

“I’m not…” AJ grabbed my wrist and I froze as he wrestled the phone from my hands. Oh fuck. Why didn’t I delete that guys number?! Why did I text him?! Oh shit. My whole life was about to fall apart. “AJ…” I whispered. He glared at me. His eyes scanned the messages. He grunted. “Ok, that looks bad…”

“It does.” He folded his arms.

“I can explain…” I stuttered.

“Just this guy?” AJ glanced at me. I felt myself starting to shut down as I saw his face.

“Yes.” I whispered. I flinched as AJ flung his glass across the room.

“Why would I trust a lying slut?” He glared at me.

“I’m not! You know I’m not!”

“Fucking LIAR.” AJ shook my phone at me.

“AJ, calm down, I swear it’s not as bad as it looks….”

“Calm down?” AJ stood up. “Calm the fuck down? I think I’m pretty fucking calm! What the fuck is this?”

“Ok, so thisguygavemehisnumberandiwasn’tlikeinterestedIPromisebut….” I started rambling, trying to spit all the words out as fast as possible because it didn’t feel like I had much time… AJ grabbed the scruff off my collar and pulled me up to face him.

“I can read, you fucking idiot.” He stared into my eyes.

“No, but the only reason I texted was because I wanted…” My phone hit the wall behind my head. “Fuck!” I swore.

“Ok. You’re out. Get out.”

“Wh…”

“You have a guy waiting, go stay at his for all I care.”

“You don’t mean that!”

“Don’t tell me what I mean! Get the fuck out of my house.”

I reached out to placate him. I opened my mouth. Our eyes met. I closed my mouth and nodded silently, picking up my phone on the way out. AJ followed me, blocking the doorway with his frame as he effectively muscled me to the door.

“I just wanted someone to tell me I’m attractive.” I pleaded with him. He raised his hand and I stepped back.

“Excellent excuse, did you practice that?” His hand gripped the door.

“Alex…”

“Out.”

“I have nowhere to…” AJ cut me off by slamming the door in my face. I was too slow to stop him. My breath caught in my throat as I heard the lock turn.

To be continued