Knife’s Edge Pt. 03

A gay story: Knife’s Edge Pt. 03 —- —- —- 1.

“Joel, why am I waiting ten minutes for this fucking raddicho salad?” I approached the pass, having just been told by Amy that it would take 10 minutes to redo a dish that should take 30 seconds to plate.

“If we push that forward everything else will have a wait.” He grunted.

“That’s my call.” I glared at him. “I can mitigate a wait on food, I can control the room, but I have a huge fuck up on my hands and I can only fix that with your damn salad!”

“Heard.” He glared at me. “Ramon, baby, you heard chef.”

“Aye papi.” Ramon laughed. “Coming up, jefe.” He waved at me. I glanced at Joel, who had gone back to tweezing herbs, and made myself scarce since chefs always work better when you’re not standing over their shoulder.

Actually, this was kind of ok. Sort of back to where it was. Which was the whole point of moving back in with AJ. Moving back. Because we were happy once. He was kind. Before I finished Uni and started getting everything wrong we never really had problems. The criticism only started when his job got more difficult. His job did, and my job did- and maybe that broke the balance. I remembered how he used to be. How close he would hold me. The lovely things he would whisper to me through the night. I knew he was still that guy. Or he could be? If I could just figure it out- what had set him off. Fix it.

And distance between Joel and I would help. That was part of the fix.

—- — —

I ended up going to Mum and Dad’s after work- all my stuff was still there, AJ would be working or asleep, and I couldn’t quite face the look on Mum’s face when I told her I was going to give him another chance. He and I had already agreed on a slow transition back- I mean- we never really talked about me texting that guy and the whole reason we broke up. Whenever I tried he was too exhausted, and his mouth would get thin, so I’d change the subject.

AJ wanted to do things properly. Start therapy. Make sure we both felt safe at home. And then go ring shopping.

It didn’t feel quite as warm as I’d expected. I’d been looking forward to his proposal since we met when I was all starry eyed and taken with the cool older guy who’d somehow seen something in me. But I guess life had just given me some priorities beyond marriage and a hot guy. I guess I wanted to see where my career would go… even open my own place maybe one day… release an album with Technicolor Pachyderms- oh shoot, assuming that was ok now I wasn’t like… with Joel…

And, it was so stupid and shallow that I drowned it out, even in my imaginary conversations, but the fact that he wouldn’t touch me really hurt. Even two weeks of being with Joel was enough to realise that at least someone out there who thought I was hot. Like truly hot. There was at least one guy who got hard whenever he saw me naked. AJ didn’t. He barely looked at me.

I screwed my eyes tight and rubbed my face. Maybe I just hadn’t given him the chance?

At the time I thought I was being kind of unfair to AJ for even hesitating for half a second. Part of me was chastising myself for not leaping into his arms wholeheartedly straight away, with no reservations….

— — —

Two steps forward. Three steps back. I wasn’t going anywhere. I was floundering near this door in my head. Two rooms. One I knew really well. One I didn’t know at all. And I was really close to the threshold. The door was ajar. And I hated that door. I hated that I’d ever seen it. I hated that I didn’t know whether I wanted it open or shut.

I’ll spare you suffering through me all but begging AJ to let me blow him, since he was too tired to do anything else, because it’s too pathetic. I spat at him that it had been 7 months since he’d fucked me. He asked me coolly if I wanted to make it 8 or if I could respect his boundaries and not push his consent.

I was sad. Kurt noticed. I couldn’t bear telling him I was back with AJ. I knew how he felt about that. He’d be almost as mad as Mum would be.

Joel was on the late shift and grabbed me on his break.

“Need to talk.” He grunted, offering me a dart. Pretty dumb, but my heart did start to beat faster. We walked outside in silence. I could feel the restlessness in my body. Maybe I didn’t want that polished life with AJ so much.

“I… wish I had better news but uh… look, bro. Uh, you gave me chlamydia.”

Not… Not quite what I’d been hoping for.

“What? No I didn’t!” I recoiled in shock. “What the hell! I don’t have chlamydia!”

“I mean, I would double check that if I were you.” Joel muttered.

“But-”

“I get tested regularly.” Joel ran his fingers through his hair. “I didn’t have it last time, and I haven’t fucked anyone else. So you tell me how I got it?”

“But…” I shook my head. “I don’t have it! I’ve… I mean I’ve only slept with you and AJ and…”

“Yeah.” Joel folded his arms. “Guessing that’s where you got it from, dude.”

“Oh.” I winced. “Look- are you sure you couldn’t have…”

“Just get tested.” He sighed. “Because if you do have it, which you do, better to get on antibiotics sooner rather than later. And I’ll leave you to deal with AJ.”

“He’ll kill me.” I said flatly.

“Doesn’t seem very fair, since I’m pretty sure he gave it to you.” Joel gave me a half smile.

“You’re sure you didn’t….”

“Believe me, avoiding this conversation would be great.” Joel sighed. “I’m sorry, but you’re the only person I’ve slept with recently.” He reached over and squeezed my shoulder. “Just get tested. Maybe you don’t have it. Maybe it’s like a Virgin Mary thing, like it just randomly happened to me…”

“Likely.” I smiled at him. “Fuck.” I sighed. “Maybe.” I bit my lip. “Does uh… it hurt?”

“The test?”

“No! Chlamydia. I actually… don’t know much about it.”

“Had no idea I had it until I tested positive.” Joel yawned. “Treatment is easy breezy. You’ll be ok.”

“So AJ wouldn’t know either?”

“Maybe, maybe not.” Joel winced. “Hey, having passed on the bad news, and telling you to get tested… I uh… feel like I’ve played my part. Can I X out of this conversation?”

“Yeah.” I sighed. “Thanks, man.”

“Let me know how it goes.” Joel smiled at me.

“Will do.”

—- —- —-

“Hey sweetheart.” AJ grinned as he entered the living room and saw me sitting alone, nursing a wine.

“Hey.” I sighed and motioned for him to join me.

“What’s up?” He leant in to kiss me and I ducked my head. He raised an eyebrow and cleared his throat. I poured him some wine, avoiding his eye.

“I had a doctor’s appointment this afternoon.” I said slowly.

“Oh. You alright?” AJ frowned.

“Yeah, fine.” I sighed. “Routine check up.” I looked at him glumly. “Tested positive for chlamydia.”

“Oh, darling.” AJ reached for my knee and squeezed gently.

“Don’t oh darling me!” I glared at him. “Why do I have chlamydia?”

“Oh, Rubey…” AJ bit his lips. “Hey- I don’t want to know what you did while we were on a break…”

“We weren’t on a break! You broke up with me!” I sighed. “I caught it from you. And I figure you caught it from someone, right?”

“Hey.” AJ said firmly. “No need for bullshit. You’re seriously telling me you were celibate? I highly doubt that, Rubey.” I hung my head. Well. I couldn’t really argue with that.

“I wasn’t.” I mumbled as I folded my arms. “But he caught it from me…”

“You believed that?” AJ frowned. “Uh… sweetie…. You definitely caught it from him.”

“He didn’t lie to me.”

“And I did?” AJ sipped his wine. “You think some random guy you hooked up with when we were on a break is more trustworthy than the guy who’s loved you for your entire adult life?”

“That’s not…”

“I understand you’re upset.” AJ took my hand. “And I know you’re probably feeling guilty, but don’t lash out at me! How are you? They got you on antibiotics?”

“Yeah… Ugh. AJ!” I squeezed his hand. “AJ seriously. Was it just once? Was it just sex? Are you looking for someone else? Someone you know… more your type or?”

“More my type?!”‘AJ rolled his eyes. “What’s more my type?”

“I dunno!” I ran my fingers through my hair. “Honestly? You seemed to stop being interested in me the second I could grow a proper beard.”

“Ohhh-Kay.” AJ plucked the wine from my hand. “You’re drunk.”

“I’m not drunk, I’m angry!” I hung my head. “I’m so fucking tired.”

“Yeah. Me too.” AJ sighed heavily. He took my hands. “Look, darling. What on earth can I do to make this ok?”

“Stop lying to me?” I heard myself whine.

“Why do you think I’m lying to you?”

“AJ!” It was so ridiculous I almost started to laugh. “Dude, where did this STD magically come from? I know it wasn’t Joel, ok? He wouldn’t give two shits if he gave it to me.”

“Joel? From work?” AJ frowned.

“Uh… guess so…” I winced. “I was sad, he was there..”

“Mmmm.”

“Oh fuck off.” I sighed.

“I get it.” AJ’s lips twitched. “Look, I’m not surprised some guy made a move on you the second he thought you were single. And I’m not mad about it- well. You know. Not MAD mad. But I’m kind of upset you’ve jumped to me cheating on you over some chef at work accidentally giving you chlamydia.”

“That’s… fair.” I swallowed.

“And we gotta talk about this jealousy thing.” AJ looked at me seriously. “I’m not saying I’m perfect, Rubey. And I want to book in with that therapist. But you have to trust me on this ok? I love you. I want you. Just you. Are you able to believe that or…?”

“I dunno.” I sighed. “You’ve thrown up some pretty big red flags, AJ…” AJ groaned.

“Rubey, sweetheart, can you please fucking grow up?” He whined. “You’re always doing this… woe is me bit. You make it out like I’m some fucking monster! What red flags?!”

“Well… I mean… you’re into younger guys aren’t you?” I could feel myself going pale.

“No one’s denying that.” AJ guffawed. “Dude you ARE a younger guy!”

“No, but like…”

“Are we just accusing each other of having preferences?! Ok, you like tall guys right?”

“That’s not…”

“Are you actually accusing me of something sinister here?” AJ raised his eyebrows. “Or are you mad because you want to let your stubble grow out? Because you can let your fucking beard grow if it’s that fucking important to you. You don’t need to come at me with wild accusations.”

“Ok, I didn’t…”

“I am so BORED of this.”

“Wha…”

“Look, darling.” He stood up. “I want you back. I want you back even after you’ve been whoring your way through your staff…”

“Woah, I…”

“You have no proof I cheated on you, I can tell you think I did, but I didn’t. Which is more than YOU can say. I have been cold, I have been distant, I know you need sex more than I’ve given it to you, and I’m the first to admit I’m not the most flexible guy in the world. I want to work through it with you. I want to marry you. But only if we’re moving forward. If you’re going to be sad and mopey and miserable then I want out. So… I don’t know Rueben. Marry me, or get the fuck out.”

“I marry you or…”

“Get the fuck out.” AJ’s eyes flashed.

“AJ.” I mumbled, stumbling to my feet. “Don’t give me an ultimatum.” I reached for my bag. If he wanted me to get the fuck out, who was I to argue?

“Wait…”

“Wait what?” I glanced at him. “You told me what the choices are.”

“Rubey, stay.” AJ clasped my arm. He sighed and closed his eyes. His fingers dug into me. “You know I didn’t literally mean marry me right this second or leave right this second. I meant: are you all in with working on us, or what? And the fact that you’re acting like I’ve given you some big ultimatum when all I’m doing is making sure we’re on the same page is…” He glared at me. “Getting really old. You always play these fucking games with me, don’t you?” He groaned and pulled us both back onto the couch. I let him. “Maybe it is an age thing.” He muttered.

“I… I’m not playing games…” I stuttered.

“Darling. You always do.” He raised his eyebrows at me. “You act like I’m abusing you.”

“Oh… AJ…”

“Look.” He sighed deeply. “I really want to draw a line in this ok? What do you need, Rubey? Do you feel like you missed out? Do you need to sleep with other guys for a bit? I think you should take some time off work, maybe even get a lower stress job, would that help? And what can I do? How did I lose your trust? How do I get it back? Truly.”

“Oh…” I stared at him. My head hurt. I was on the verge of tears. “Maybe you’re right about work.” I mumbled. “I think… when you put it like that… I think I’m going crazy. I’m sorry. I…”

“Shhhh.” AJ cradled me. “Hey. Nothing to apologise for.” He kissed my head and I sank into him. “Take holiday pay for a couple of weeks and we’ll work on us.”

I didn’t agree or disagree to that. I let him hold me.

—– —-

I told Mum I was thinking of moving back in with AJ the next evening after work. I should have just lied and said I found a new place.

“I made a huge mistake by not putting my foot down last time.” She said, sitting me down at the kitchen table and slamming a cup of coffee down in front of me. “He’s not a good man, Rueben.”

“You don’t know him.”

“Because he won’t come round for dinner! She pursed her lips. “I read about this. These people. They try to get you away you from your friends and your family so you don’t have anyone to turn to when things start to go wrong.”

“What do you mean by start to go wrong?” I sighed. “We—”

“Is he hitting you?” She cut me off.

“No!” Mum inspected me, looking for any signs. I scoffed and folded my arms angrily. Her eyes zeroed in on something.

“What’s that?” She pointed at my collarbone, where my t-shirt was hanging loose. I cringed.

“That’s an old hickey.” I blushed. “And it was an accident.” And nothing to do with AJ, not that she needed to know it. I’d been SO MAD when Joel did that, in case AJ saw it and rained hellfire…. only for it to slowly fade, turning red, then purple, then faintly yellow, almost invisible, and he hadn’t even shown interest in talking my shirt off.

“Accident.” My mum scoffed. “I bet he has accidents all the time, doesn’t he?”

“What’s that supposed to mean? He doesn’t have ‘accidents’.”

I don’t know what my tell is, but I do know everyone always seems to see right through me almost any time I try to lie. For some reason I could do it while I was working, but as soon as that apron came off, game over. It feels pretty cursed to not get away with things the way everyone else on earth seems to manage. Mum’s face fell, like I’d just confirmed something. I swallowed.

I mean, there were accidents weren’t there? My phone, which I’d finally fixed. That wasn’t the first thing that had ever broken. A year or so ago AJ had accidentally spilled whiskey all over my laptop when we were arguing because I hadn’t asked him about a friend’s birthday party and he didn’t know where I was. Before that he’d accidentally put his foot through my Xbox because the outfit I’d worn to a pride parade was too slutty.

And then there were the little accidents like when he spilled hot tea on me and it blistered. Or he asked me to pick up the cast iron pan and didn’t tell me it had been sitting on an open flame. The way his fingers would sometimes leave little marks where he gripped me when we were having hard conversations. That one time he’d accidentally tripped me at the top of the stairs.

There were accidents all the time.

“Accidents happen.” I mumbled.

“Stay here tonight.” Mum reached for my hand.

AJ wasn’t happy about me staying at home, but he heard me when I told him over the phone I was exhausted, and closer to work, and that I’d finish around 5 tomorrow and cook him dinner. He was so soft and lovely and it was easy to tell myself all those accidents Mum had got me thinking about were just imaginary. I know I overthink things. I can’t seem to help myself. Maybe that was the only real problem.

— — —

Kurt caught and cornered me at the turnover of our shifts, demanding to know what was going on since apparently I’d been acting like a ghost for days.

I told him I was back with AJ, and Kurt’s mouth went all twisty and stiff. I told him we were getting married.

“Right.” He snorted. “Where’s your ring?”

“We were going to buy them together.”

“He knows he’s losing you and he’s making the last ditch effort to keep you dependent.”

“He’s not a monster.” I sighed. Joel walked past and nodded at us, lighting a dart.

“Who’s not a monster?” Joel asked. Great.

“His fiancé.” Kurt rolled his eyes. Oh fuck. I looked at Joel. He actually took the tiniest step back, like he was steadying himself.

“You’re… engaged?” He asked.

“Well…”

“Only in theory.” Kurt said, stretching out as he checked the time. “AJ just proposed to keep our boy hanging around like a kicked puppy. Better clock in- see you in there!”

Joel took a deep breath and sank beside me. He shook his head and he reached for me, taking my hand. I should have pulled away.

“Rubes.” He said, kind of firmly.

“What?”

“Uh….” Joel’s lips twitched. “Uh, you know how I said I’d stop thinking about you naked?”

“Joel…”

“I lied.” He bit his lip and cocked his head at me. Fuck. Why do people FALL for that? I mean, I guess I was, so…

“Look, dude… Things are ok.” I nudged Joel’s leg. “So you can stop that.”

“Do I have to?” Joel grinned.

“Yes!”

“Because I’m practically irresistible and you’re this close to falling for it?”

“Joel!”

“Come onnnnn…. Just dump the cunt.” Joel gazed at me with a soft smile on his face. I felt a lump in my throat.

“He did ask me to marry him.”

“No shit.” Joel rolled his eyes. “He’s a smart guy and you’re great husband material, I’ve told you that. Do you want to marry him?” I closed my eyes. I could hear Joel sitting up beside me, moving closer.

“I don’t know if I can leave him.” I whispered. “Not after everything we’ve been through.” I felt Joel’s arm over my shoulders. He squeezed me tight and gently rested his head next to mine

“Rubes… I think… I think you should talk to someone.” He mumbled. “Someone who’s not me, and not him.”

“Like, therapy?” I blinked. “I mean, yeah. AJ and I were gonna try it together…”

“I mean, that’s fine… but I really think you should do it alone.” He looked up into my eyes. “I’m not sure if I’m just jealous, and like- seeing the worst in him- but fuck me man, I think I hate the guy. I don’t know how you can stand him- but maybe someone more objective can help you better.” He sat up and gently tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. I melted whenever he did that. “Like, don’t listen to me, I absolutely have a dog in this fight but…”

We both glanced up as we heard footsteps. Joel quickly removed his hands from me and I felt the colour drain from my face as I watched AJ storm towards us.

“Shit.” Joel mumbled. “Hey.” He stood up and waved to AJ.

“Don’t bother.” AJ rolled his eyes as he reached us. He grabbed my arm and pulled me, stumbling, to my feet. “Thought I’d surprise you with picking you up.” He smiled thinly at me. “Should have warned you.”

“Hey, dude, we were just talking.” Joel held up his hands in surrender.

“Sure. Talking.” AJ barely glanced at Joel as he started striding away. His grip on my arm was vice like and I tripped after him.

“Woah, wait, hold up man.” Joel skipped in front of AJ. “Dude, we really were just having a chat ok?”

“Sure.” AJ sighed.

“So you… you’re not going to like…” Joel had blocked our path and was glancing awkwardly between AJ and I.

“What?” AJ’s lips thinned.

“You believe me, right?” Joel asked quietly.

“Not really.” AJ folded his arms.

“Uh…” Joel bit his lip. “Well. I’m telling the truth.”

“Ok.” AJ stepped forward and Joel blocked our path again.

“You’re hurting Ruben.” He mumbled. AJ looked at me, where his nails were digging in.

“Ruben can speak for himself.”

“Let him go.”

“Stop being a meddling little asswipe.” AJ grunted. “You’ve done enough damage to this relationship.”

“Me?” Joel snorted. “We both know it’s only a matter of time until you actually fucking damage him.”

“The fuck are you implying?” AJ hissed. His grip really was hurting now. My arm was feeling numb. My whole body was feeling numb. I was frozen.

“You know exactly what I’m implying.” Joel glanced at me and his eyebrows knitted together. “Dude, you are HURTING him. Let him GO.” AJ glared at him. He released me with a shove and I lost my balance. I cringed as I hit the ground and scrambled to my feet. Joel was reaching for me and I grabbed his hand, just because it was there. “You good?” He asked me.

“He’s fine.” AJ snapped.

“He can speak for himself.” Joel mocked him.

“Are you looking for a fight?” AJ asked.

“I’m only looking out for Rubes.”

“Hey.” I mumbled. “Let’s um… let’s not escalate this. AJ. We can talk at home. Joel. Back off.”

“I’m looking out for you…”

“You are picking a fight.” I stared at the ground, unable to meet his eye.

“Let’s go.” AJ sighed, gesturing for me to head to the car.

“Rubes…” Joel called. I gritted my teeth and kept going. I fell into the car and sat, staring at my lap as AJ tapped his hands on the steering wheel.

“We really were just talking.” I mumbled.

“Sure.” AJ sighed. “His hands were all over you, you fucking slut.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Fuck you.” AJ sat back and stared at the dashboard for a minute. “You know, I’d never hit you.” He said.

“I know.”

“I think about it.” He tapped his fingers. “Sometimes I think about slamming your head into a table until you shut the fuck up.”

“Jesus.” I felt a weight on me as I stared at the floor. My chest started tingling uncomfortably. I really, really wanted to throw the door open and run until I couldn’t run anymore. But I was stuck. Like I was under a spell.

“I was hoping if you just left your job it would all go away. All this attitude you have. You used to be the perfect guy. I thought we could get back there, maybe if you stayed home. Maybe if we adopted a kid. I never thought I’d have to beat you into it.”

“What the fuck?” I practically whispered.

“Not really. I couldn’t actually hurt you.” AJ glanced at me. “I mean, I wouldn’t.”

“It sounds like you hate me.” I whispered.

“I don’t hate you, sweetheart.” AJ said slowly. “I hate who you’re growing into, really. You used to think the sun shone out of my ass.”

“I still love you, if that’s…”

“You got a funny way of showing it.” He interrupted.

“AJ…”

“I was willing to support you. Marry you. Give you everything you could ask for.”

“I don’t want that.”

“I know.” AJ sighed. “You don’t know what’s good for you. Don’t leave me.”

“Aren’t you leaving me? Isn’t that what this is?” I stared at him.

“What do you mean? I’m not going anywhere. I want to marry you.”

“Are you serious?” My heart was beating so fast I was scared it would run out of energy and stop completely. I felt like a trapped rabbit, knowing I was about to die and panicking with no way to escape. “You just told me you fantasise about beating me up.”

“It’s a fantasy.” He murmured. “I’m sure you’ve had similar ones.”

“Never.” I whispered. I reached for the door. I managed to force myself to push the handle only for my stomach to drop into the floor with the dull sound it made.

Locked.

Duh.

A hot spike of fear shot through me. “Alex….” I cradled the door.

“Are you running away?” His voice sounded flat. He was so calm when I felt like my guts had taken flight and were trapped in the car, beating themselves against the windows like a magpie.

“Why would I stay?” I whispered.

“You won’t do better than me.” AJ’s lips curled. “If the best you can do without me is some roided line chef then go wallow in his filth. He’ll never love you. He’ll fuck you until your hole is loose and find another pig. No one will ever love you Rubey, not the way I do. If you really want to throw that away after I’ve tried so hard to make things right….” His words stung, hitting every place they were meant to hit. I felt myself tear up. I pressed myself in the door as though it would magically give way if I tried a bit harder. “I have given you everything. I let you stay with me for cheap while you were studying. I could have found a real tenant. I could have found a boyfriend who actually makes time for me. I could have….”

“Please let me out.” I rattled the door handle stupidly. “I don’t even see why you want me to stay if this is how you….” The heat was rising. He was droning, trapping me in this nightmare designed to hurt me and I was begging for release. I saw it in his eyes first. That flash of annoyance. He’d broken. I saw it in his fist. His fingers tensing.

I had the wherewithal to duck.

The window shattered and I launched myself out of it in an unbelievable feat of agility. I’ve heard adrenaline can do that though. I ran. I heard the motor start and glanced over my shoulder to see the black Porsche pulling away. He wasn’t following me. My footsteps slowed. My breath was really heavy- I should probably focus on cardio, not just weights…

My heart began to return to normal. I paced the space between the car park and the back of the restaurant.

I kind of wanted to live there forever. The space between. Where no one loved me but no one hated me, and I didn’t have to do anything, or even exist really. I was always happiest when I was asleep. When I wasn’t really living life. I hated confrontation. I hated questioning things. I hated that life never seemed to click for me. I wanted to wallow in nothingness forever with no agency.

But that’s not life. That’s not anything.

I actually, as insane as it sounds…

Considered calling him back for half a second.

Half a second.

And then I literally slapped myself in the face for my idiocy. It almost made me cry. Physical pain could be a release I guess. Why did I stay with him for so long? I did love him, once. There was a part of me that still loved him. Or the memory of him maybe. Or maybe I didn’t even know what love felt like. I thought I did.

Jesus. How could I ever forgive myself for being so stupid? I was such a fucking moron. I was a reader! I read shit like this! I knew way better than to stick around waiting for some guy to finally crack and start hitting you. I wasn’t some… dumb victim who would…

I sobbed in frustration. Well. I wouldn’t go back. Maybe I’d been stupid and let myself stand by while my life fell apart but I wouldn’t go back. And I couldn’t live in the parking lot forever, even though I was ashamed to try to move forward and tell anyone what had happened. I could go home. Cry on Mum’s shoulder. And live there forever? Emerging only to run a restaurant from time to time?

I’d miss Joel though. I glanced at the back of Pongakawa, the windows gleaming softly in the dusk. I liked him. I felt something in my gut release. I really liked him. Maybe I should take a step out of liminal space. It’s not like I was really happy here anyway. I was just less sad than if everything ahead of me turned to shit and I regretted it. But I guess I couldn’t know that.

I should at least let Joel know I was ok. Physically.

He was back behind the pass, looking no worse for wear. His face was stern and he wasn’t smiling as he directed his team with the same efficiency as always. I shuffled in and his head jerked up. He scanned me from across the room and motioned for Charlie to take over. I met him at the back of the kitchen and allowed him to pull me into the walk in chiller where he wrapped his arms around me, stroking my hair and pulling me close.

“He didn’t hurt you?” Joel asked, pushing my hair off my face and inspecting me. My hands were scratched from the glass and Joel frowned with concern.

“Ahhh…” but I knew what he meant. “He didn’t touch me.”

“Are you done with him?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh thank god.” Joel sighed. “Fuck he’s scary.”

“You really think AJ is scary?” I frowned, glancing at Joel’s body. He could knock AJ out in half a second.

“Yeah.” Joel said flatly. “He terrifies the living daylights out of me.” He tilted my chin to look at me. “You want me to drive you to your parents tonight? Or stay at mine? Just for the company I mean, I’m not trying to rush you into anything.”

“Thanks.” I smiled at him. “I could use the company.”

“Ok. Hop up at the bar, Rubes, I’ll send some food your way.”

“Thanks.”

“And…” Joel swore and leapt away from me, banging into the shelves as the door swung open. Kurt looked at me as Joel stormed out with a bucket of lemons. I knew my face was red.

“You’re not working?” Kurt asked.

“Na.” I swallowed. “I was starting a stocktake. And don’t worry about telling me off because it’s my evening off, Joel just reamed me for it. I’m gonna have some food, finish this later.”

“Sure…..” Kurt clearly didn’t believe that for a second but he let it slide and looked back into the kitchen, out to where Joel was working. “Was he just…”

“Could you get a glass of the Dreadnought Syrah on the way for me please?”

—- —- —-

I pretended to work until Joel was finished. We slipped outside for a cigarette and then he made his goodbyes while I waited for him in his car.

We didn’t really speak. Joel put on a playlist that wasn’t the top100, but was songs most people have heard. It wasn’t awful, although I didn’t love it. Joel was singing along. I joined in when I found one I knew well enough- The Flaming Lips. Joel smiled at me.

“This song always makes me think of you.” He trailed his hand over mine.

“Really?” I started to melt.

“Because it’s off a concept album about battling giant pink robots.” He smiled and nudged my leg. “Up your alley?”

“I do love a niche concept album.” I grinned. My insides were almost totally liquid. “You got me.”

“And…” Joel squeezed my thigh. “You do have the most beautiful face.”

—- —- —- 2.

“Do you wanna fucking come out here and explain to the customer why it’s gonna take half an hour for their food after I just said 5 minutes?!”

“Do you want to get in the kitchen and make the fucking food yourself?”

“Give me half a chance and I can sling a pizza faster than you can!”

Joel opened his mouth to yell back at me, but he had a small twinkle in his eye. We glared at each other, and slowly his expression softened into a smile. I could feel my own face doing the same thing and we goofily grinned at each other.

“Feel better?” I asked him.

“On top of the world.” He wiped his brow. “You?”

“Just a sec.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “If you’d shove your own ego up your arse and actually listen to me for a fucking change we wouldn’t even have an issue right now!” I slammed my fist on the counter. I caught the eye of Lara on grill who quickly looked away as I exhaled slowly. “Yah.” I sighed. “I feel good. Real good.” I caught Joel’s eye again. “For real though, what’s the actual ETA?”

“I’ll have it up in 30 seconds, promise.” Joel leant over the pass and his knuckles brushed against mine. “Sorry.”

“Sorry?” My eyes crinkled. “Someone really wants to get laid tonight.” Joel’s lips twitched.

“That too. But don’t let that distract you from a sincere apology.”

“Gimme that pizza in 20 seconds and you have a deal.”

—

It was a pub quiz night. We were waiting for Kurt. Joel was finishing The Axeman’s Carnival for me because I told him I couldn’t get to the ending without knowing if everything was going to be ok. I was listening to a drum track I’d recorded for Technicolour Pachyderms and occasionally accidentally hitting the table as I started air drumming in spite of myself. Joel’s lips twitched.

“You drummers are literally all the same.”

“Sorry.” I paused the track. “That’s so annoying.”

“I don’t mind.”

“You will.” I pulled out my phone and opened Libby. I’d borrowed a recommendation from my mother who was on her Michael Pollen kick and I can’t say I was enjoying it. I always prefer fiction. An escape.

“So ahhh…” Joel leaned in a bit closer. “Tonight. We aren’t… like, anything to each other, right?”

“Of course not.” I stared at my phone.

“Ok, good. Just making sure we didn’t have any… weird moments.”

“Yeah, smart.” I turned the page. That was the fifth page in a row I didn’t read.

“Like I didn’t want to call you baby by accident and it be awkward.”

“You call everyone baby.”

“Well, that…”

“That’s different.” I agreed. “I don’t think anyone suspects anything.” I glanced at him.

“No, no, I don’t think so. Just making sure you didn’t… want anyone to suspect anything.”

“No, dude, we’re cool.” I closed my eyes. “No drama.”

“No drama.” He repeated. “Yeah, cool.”

So cool.

I didn’t sit next to Joel. I mean, I didn’t even like him? In a work sense? Well, actually, now I knew him a bit better, I did kind of like him. His chefs trusted him- he had total control of behind the scenes. He was snappy in service, and still reeked of weed more often than not, but I couldn’t really fault his work. And we had each other’s backs in meetings; putting on a pretty strong shield between the owners and our teams.

It was a good chance to be friendly with my staff anyway, sitting with them, reminding myself about all their various degrees and boyfriends and dreams. I hadn’t been as engaged the last couple of months and I was scared it would show- that they would clam up around me and stop wanting to perform as brilliantly.

Kurt was a gossip so they all knew about my break up. That ended up being way more of a conversation than I wanted. They all offered advice and sympathy and told me they never liked him anyway. As though they knew him.

“My cousin kind of went through the same thing.” Georgie said, out of nowhere. “Her teacher started dating her in high school. I think he ended up getting deported.” I went pale. Across the table I could see Joel’s ears suddenly straining.

“Oh, man, sorry to hear that.” I said as genuinely as I could manage. Running away from someone who told me he fantasised about beating me had been hard enough. I hadn’t managed to allow myself to dwell on the uglier things that sometimes bubbled up.

“Yeah, who knew there were so many groomers out there?” She patted my arm kindly. ” At least her mum stopped it. Is your mum in your life?”

“Ah, yeah.” I mumbled. My gut flared up in a strange protective fire. “It’s a bit different. I mean we were adults and she…”

“You weren’t an adult!” Kurt snorted. I glared at him. “14 is a LITERAL CHILD.”

“I was 16!”

“And he was 26!”

There was a collective wince around the table. Little intakes of breath. Then silence.

“If you’re all so concerned maybe you can leave me to discuss this with my therapist?” I said quietly. “We broke up like two weeks ago. I’m not ready for…” I gestured to the table. My eyes were stinging.

Everyone moved at once, putting chips and wine in front of me and talking loudly about how excited they were for the next week and expecting me to clean up again. Kurt touched my shoulder. He didn’t need to say the apology that was tumbling out of his face, but I accepted it. I avoided looking at Joel. I knew exactly what he’d be thinking. That I was a broken, manipulated, beaten woman and at least, thank god, we didn’t have any real feelings that he would need to manage.

I tried to slip out. Joel caught me outside.

“Thought you were coming over?” He asked.

“I’m tired.” I lied.

“It’s ok in the end.” He said. I looked at him and shrugged. “The magpie.” He said. “It’s ok. It gets really hairy for a second but it’s all ok. I promise.”

“Because the magpie saves her?” I couldn’t stop that from sounding spiteful.

“Well. The magpie saves her.” Joel took my hand. “But you’re forgetting how it starts.” He gently brushed my hair off my face. I don’t know why I liked that touch so much. It was so comforting. “She saves him first. They’re even.”

“She’s an idiot.”

“No, she’s not.” Joel shook his head. “She’s naive but, Rubes… so is the magpie.”

I’d had enough of talking in metaphors. I really was tired now. A tiredness beyond anything I’d ever felt. Total exhaustion in my bones.

“Would it be really shitty to ask for a lift home?” I mumbled. “To Mum and Dad’s?”

“No, of course not.” Joel took my hand. “Come on.”

He put on an album I didn’t know, soft and dreamy and pop adjacent. He drove me home, and he gave me a chaste good night kiss.

Dad was up and watching some late night rerun of Air Crash Investigation. He muted it when I walked in.

“You ok, sausage?”

“Not really.” I shuffled to the kitchen. “Tea? You want any?”

“Thank you.” He poked his neck around the doorway. “PG Tips. It’s hidden in the back.” He nodded, sitting down at the table. “Your mums got me on that detox stuff.” He made a face. “Don’t tell her.”

“I won’t.” We smiled conspiratorially.

I sat down opposite him and started reading ‘The Botany of Desire’ again- going back to the start to see if it stuck any better this time.

“I am so terribly sorry.” My dads voice cracked, breaking my focus. I looked up. He had tears streaming down his stoic face. “I failed you. I should have stopped him. I knew it wasn’t right. I was just scared I was old and you’d hate me and think it was because you were gay…”

“Dad, I never thought that.” I put down my phone. “I wouldn’t have listened.” I told him. “I mean, I didn’t listen.”

“I wish I’d done more.” He wiped his eyes slowly. “I love you. I’m so glad you’re here. When you moved out I was so scared.” I started feeling my own eyes welling up.

“It’s ok. I’m ok.”

“I’m so glad we didn’t lose you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you. And I’m here now. And I’ll never let some man take you away.”

“Well…” I smiled at him. “Maybe you could let some man take me away? A nice one? If he promises to always come over for Sunday dinners?”

“I’m not sure I’ll ever trust the whole gender.” Dad smiled and I sat back in my chair. “But I’ll do right by you next time, Rubey-roo.”

“I don’t blame you.” I said, cradling my tea. “There were a lot of arguments. You tried your best.”

“I almost wish I’d…” Dad shook his head. “Well. That wouldn’t have helped.” He stared darkly at his tea.

“No.” I agreed, shutting down whatever evil intent was in his eyes. “If it helps… I think I’m a slightly better judge of character now. I’ll bring him round early. You can tell me all the red flags. And I’ll listen. Promise.” I could still see the regret in his eyes. “Dad, it’s not your fault.” I reached for his hand.

“It’s his fault. But I wish I’d done more.” He squeezed my fingers and offered me a tiny smile.

“You did everything you could.” I sighed. “I know you did.”

— —-

Mum was wary that I’d been out almost every night ‘at a friends’, and I could see her beady eyes checking me over breakfast. She didn’t have much to say, and no news was good news that way. She was nitpicking my clothes a bit but I’d forgive that.

“Are you reluctant to go up a size? I can swap the tags out?” She was offering.

“Why would you do that?” I frowned, looking down at my t shirt.

“That’s too small.” She sighed, brushing invisible lint off the shoulders. “Look at yourself.” As someone who’d been avoiding mirrors that didn’t really appeal. But if my gut was hanging out she might have a point.

I had a proper look at myself. I smiled hesitantly at my reflection. I wasn’t small. I think that ship sailed with my late teens. Recently I was fleshy and soft and disgusting. But now I was… well, soft wasn’t WRONG. I twisted in the mirror and awkwardly posed, hoping I’d locked the door.

I’d been training with Joel, and eating again. My body which had seemed flabby and malnourished a month ago had filled out. The fat was there, but so was the muscle. I looked strong- like a young body builder in the off season. My gut wasn’t hanging out, but my pecs were testing the limit of the cotton blend. I didn’t love myself- and part of me was still grieving the loss of the slim toned twink I used to be… but all it took was Joel glancing at me with his eyes narrowed for me to think maybe this new space I occupied wasn’t the worst thing in the world.

I told mum I’d buy some new t-shirts.

—

That next morning Joel and I worked together ok. Angry sparks weren’t flying which wasn’t good or bad really. I was sort of hoping he’d invite me over, but maybe I’d fucked it all up last night. Maybe that also wasn’t the worst thing in the world. It would be nice to find someone who looked at me the way Joel did, but wanted to be with me the way AJ did. Maybe I’d find a balance in the next guy.

Me going over turned out to be a moot point because Kurt was egging us both to go out with him for pints since we were all closing. He’s very good at egging people on, and even though I could tell both of us were reluctant, we ended up doing exactly that. Joel was playing pool, and Kurt was introducing me to a mutual friend of his and his pseudo girlfriend Rhiannon.

“Luke!” He presented the guy, beaming. “Luke likes comic books and gardening. Luke, this is Rueben- he’s an incredible chef and hospitality genius and he plays the drums.”

“Percussion.” I corrected him. I was getting a bit over being relegated to a drummer.

“And I’m a landscaper.” Luke smiled at me. “Different skills.”

“Oh really? I’m reading a book about… well actually I was going to say Botany but I’m not really reading it and I don’t actually think it’s about Botany….” I laughed.

“Well, gardening would be more botany anyway.” Like grinned. “I’m more… lifting heavy stuff.”

“Oh, right!” I looked at him. He did look swarthy. Actually, he looked hot as hell.

Ohhhhh. I suddenly realised what Kurt was doing. I glanced at Joel inside. Still happily playing pool. And anyway, he said it. We weren’t anything to each other. I grinned at Luke.

We chatted about everything. He told me off for smoking and I put the dart out without a second thought. He was pretty lovely. Did volunteer work for Kai-cycle, had friends in Everybody Eats, which Kurt volunteered at. I didn’t know what to say about me except I felt my life had been on hold for ten years and I was suddenly feeling like myself. Kurt was hanging on the edge of my every word and only reluctantly excused himself at 1.30 in the morning when his alarm began to ring.

“I have work at 7.30.” He sighed. “I really have to get home. Here.” He motioned for my phone and we swapped numbers. “Call me.” He squeezed my hand.

“Ok.”

Joel appeared ten minutes later and quietly suggested we split an Uber home. Sure. We were nothing to each other, but at least it was a nothing that felt good. I agreed.

—

His flatmates were home with some of their friends and for some reason still up at the ungodly hour. I think they were all public servants- maybe you need less of your brain that I thought you would working for the government? Or maybe, since all their jobs were on the line, they were just numbing the shit show that was coming for them.

“Hey guys.” Roy greeted us. “Hey, we were thinking of doing a planning session Sunday morning Rubes, you free?”

“Yeah till 1?” I looked over the tabs he’d been notating. “Oh this is good.”

“Yessss!” Blake smiled and tossed me a beer. “That means it’s fucking incredible.” He informed the room. “How was your date anyway?” He smiled at Joel. I frowned.

“Our? Date?” I shook my head. “We were just at a pub. Joel was playing pool.”

“Oh, nice.” Roy rolled his eyes and threw a cushion at Joel. “You start dating the best drummer we’ve ever met and ditch him at a pub while you play pool?”

“We’re not dating!” Joel and I said at the same time. His flatmates looked at each other with a grin and back to us.

“Okay, dudes.” Roy said. “Yeah sure, wow, no idea where I got that impression.”

“Yeah I guess we just assumed given you practically live together and fuck every night and hang out all the time that maybe something serious was going on but silly us.” Syd said sarcastically. Joel grunted and stormed to the kitchen, leaving me alone and embarrassed.

“He’s ok.” Roy reassured me. “He’s the opposite of a commitment phobe, he’s probably just playing it cool.”

“We really aren’t dating.” I protested quietly.

“Oh they’re as bad as each other.” Syd spoke over my head. “Go let him make you dinner. We’ll pretend not to notice when he rails you in half an hour.” I covered my ears and swore at them as I did what they’d suggested and followed Joel into the kitchen. He was staring aimlessly into his poorly stocked pantry.

“Hello.” I wrapped my arms around him. He nestled into me and grunted. “What’s for dinner?”

“Looking like eggs on toast.” Joel sighed. “That ok?”

“People will pay $14.00 for that these days.” I kissed his neck. “You want me to make it, chef? You’ve been cooking all night.”

“Aw, Rubes.” He softened and turned around, gathering me into a bear hug. “Yes please?”

“Of course.”

—

He actually turned me down an hour later when I fell into his bed. I ran my fingers up his thigh and squeezed his hips, and just as I reached for his cock he caught my hand.

“Hey… I’m… really tired.” He mumbled. “I don’t think I can fuck you.”

“That’s ok.” I pressed myself against his back. “Can I jerk you off?”

“I…” He made a strangled noise. “Na, I think I’ll just fall asleep.”

“Ok.” I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my face into his neck. It had been a really long day after all. I wasn’t even roaring to go, to be honest, it was just that we usually fucked like rabbits the second we got into his bedroom.

“Give me a bit of space?” He shrugged me off him gently. I let my arms fall away and swallowed as I stared at his back. Well. I liked space too. I shuffled over to the side of the bed. It didn’t feel great, but I couldn’t put my finger on anything actually wrong…

And I was too tired to even overthink it. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

— — —

Joel got up before me and didn’t make me breakfast. I slunk into the kitchen and sheepishly asked if it would be ok if I made myself a coffee. His eyes went all wide and kind and he sat me down, fussing all of a sudden over getting me a coffee and some toast.

The food was slammed down in front of me and I was informed he was on the early shift and needed to shower. Ok. Weird. Little bit Jekyll and Hyde but maybe he was just tired. He’d disappeared before I could confirm I’d quite like a lift in, even if I had to circle the block and arrive separately. I did manage to get him to wait for me to shower and get dressed. I’d been living out of a small corner of his wardrobe he’d emptied out for me and he mumbled something about needing the space, all the while watching me get dressed, with his horny ‘I want to eat you’ look in his eyes even as he was talking.

I ran through everything. He seemed mad at me right? Sometime after making him dinner and going to bed I must have said or done something that made him want to create distance. He seemed fine when I was making him dinner! Well. Quiet. He did seem quiet. Actually he hadn’t really said much between taking me home from the pub and….

Ah. He wanted me to give him his space back. Maybe his mates using the ‘d’ word had pissed him off. I had been over A LOT. And I was hanging out with his friends- well, the musical ones. Oh no. I’d been marching in and way overstaying my welcome. He probably wanted to see other people. He probably didn’t know how to tell me that.

I arrived at work after taking myself out to coffee and finishing my book. I was usually a fast reader, but this had taken me weeks. I had been avoiding the ending, even after Joel’s reassurances. I was a bit misty eyed at the end, and overwhelmingly relieved. I was also a bit confused. Not because of the book- but because two nights ago Joel had been trying to tell me something through the book. There was a magpie; lost, tamed, and ultimately a master of both worlds- and Joel saw himself in the bird. And there was a woman- a victim. I’m sure she had other traits but that’s the neon sign that flashed above her head.

And those two were gonna live happily ever after.

Why would he bother trying to tell me that if if he was all huffy about me being in his space now?

— — — — 3.

Mum was starting to drive me crazy. She was texting me asking to go into my room and grab laundry and chiding me for having plates in there, and telling me that I needed to leave the curtains open. I offered to close for Kurt when Joel and us were taking our break together, just so I had an excuse to be out later and miss her when I got home. He declined, needing the money.

“Come over.” Joel said flatly when Kurt went back inside. He didn’t really phrase it like a question, and I didn’t really hesitate, at least internally. Even when he was silent and moody- which he was- I think he still had the edge over Mum’s nagging.

“I’ve been over a lot.” I avoided his eye.

“Well don’t then.” He grunted.

“Ok.” I frowned. I didn’t know the right answer. I just couldn’t read Joel well enough. With AJ I’d had years of practice. I knew what he wanted to hear or what he wanted me to do most of the time.

Joel stood up and stared into space for a second. Eventually he cleared his throat and shook his head.

“Come over?” He said again, his voice a bit softer. “Unless you have plans. But I like having you over.”

“No plans.”

“Ok, cool.”He strode back inside and I watched him. I can’t say I was in love with this. The hot and cold thing was all too familiar.

— —

On the drive he complained about Charlie slacking off and Aaron, his relatively new commis chef not moving fast enough. He made a disparaging comment about how pointless front of house were and I felt myself virtually clock in.

“Well when you open your own fucking restaurant staffed only by chefs I will be the first in line.” I folded my arms. “People come for the food but they come back for the experience. If you really want to leave a David Chang-esque legacy then by all means stand by your dumb values system but if you ever want people to trust you and want to work for you then learn to appreciate the things you don’t understand.”

“I didn’t mean…”

“You did.”

“No, I really didn’t.” Joel reached for my hand. “Not just you. All your crew. I know. I know I couldn’t do it.”

“Don’t tell me that now. Tell them that when they’re sweating their balls off running your food and hustling to sell it.”

“That’s not my job.”

“Yeah, well, mine isn’t talking chefs off the ledge of quitting thanks to you every other week but I do it anyway.”

“That’s not fair.”

“What do you mean that’s not fair?! It’s literally true!”

“Why aren’t they coming to me?” Joel glared at the road.

“Because you yell at them and tell them they’re incompetent and SHOULD quit?!”

“Fuck.” Joel groaned. “Fuck. I need to work on my communication.” He pulled over into his car park and hung his head over the wheel. The annoyance I had been feeling was replaced with overwhelming empathy. I hadn’t exactly been born with a high tolerance for managing people either. I was only better at it because I’d been doing it for longer. And managing Front of House is a lot more emotional labour than a traditional kitchen, so I had to get good FAST. I guess that’s it though- traditional kitchens don’t exist anymore. Or they shouldn’t. That kind of lifestyle is just a recipe for damaging you and everyone close to you. Mentally and physically.

I rubbed Joel’s neck.

“You’re getting better.” I told him. “When you first came on board my whole team wanted to walk out. You have your moments, Joel. And you’re a fucking gorgeous chef. I can’t wait till you DO open your own place, with your own vision.”

“I’ll need you.” He nudged my knee.

“No, you’ll just need to remember to take deep breaths.”

“Maybe.” He sighed. “Do you need dinner? I feel fucked.” He unbuckled his seatbelt and we collected ourselves.

“Na. I’ll just have like. Beer and a durry?”

“You really need to start eating.” Joel ran his eyes over me. “You’re undoing all that hard work at the gym.”

“I think I have a fair amount to lose before anyone needs to be concerned. Anyway I am eating, I just don’t eat much in front of people.”

“I’ve spent the last 48 hours with you. You’ve eaten eggs on toast and about 20 handfuls of raisins from the walk in, and that’s not real food.”

“Not 20.” I blushed.

“Hmm.” Joel grunted as he let us into the dark house. “Huh. Guess everyone’s out.” He flicked on the lights and smiled thinly at me. “Bit of a treat. Beer? I might make a grilled cheese actually. You want one?”

“Thanks.” I took the beer and gestured that I was heading back outside. I sighed and leant against the porch. I closed my eyes. Why couldn’t I get a grip on him today?

He sat beside me a minute later, leaving a bit of space between us. So he did want space.

“Hey… I can go home.” I heard the words tumbling out of my mouth with no real conviction. Joel went very still beside me.

“You just got here?” He was so tense I swear I could see a vein in his neck popping. I almost told him to calm down but I bit my tongue.

” I don’t know what happened but… it feels kind of like you’re mad at me? And I think it started when Syd and Roy and stuff said we were dating? I just thought maybe you wanted some time alone…. Am I wrong?” Everything spilled out slowly and awkwardly. Joel groaned and closed his eyes.

“Yeah.” He said slowly. “You’re wrong. Stop trying to psychoanalyse me, you fucking suck at it.”

“Ok, so.” I bit my lip. “What’s up?” I tried.

“Hmmmm.” He groaned. “Look. Don’t… just hear me out ok…” I braced myself. “I’m sorry you thought I was mad, I’m not mad. I just didn’t know how to talk about this but I’m glad you said something, let’s rip the bandaid off.” He lit a cigarette “Sooo. Re, us dating… I kind of noticed that… we kind of are…” He opened his eyes and squinted at me. I turned my head to one side slowly.

“We never said dating.”

“No.” He bit his thumb. “But. I mean. We kind of are, right?”

“What do you want me to say?” I frowned at him.

“Well, is that, like good with you?” He asked.

“I can definitely give you space if…”

“Rubes.” Joel sighed, stretching out and shaking himself off like a wet dog. “No, you aren’t listening. I don’t want space. I want the opposite of space. I don’t really want you to find somebody else”

“Well no fear there, ” I sighed, “you know there’s no one else.”

“Rueben, you’re not a moron!” He sighed. “You were chatting with that guy on Wednesday night for fucking hours!”

“And I came home with you?” I raised my eyebrow. “So?”

“So you got his number!” Joel groaned. “And I’m really upset about it!”

“I wasn’t gonna text him!”

“Look. Next time someone hits on you I want you to say no…”

“I do say no!”

“But I mean NO, because you’re MINE.” He sighed. “I mean… my boyfriend. Not mine.” He mumbled. “Jesus that came out wrong. Yuck. Sorry.”

“Your boyfriend?”

“Well.” He cleared his throat. “Yes.”

“So…. you’ve been giving me the cold shoulder because you LIKE the idea of us together?”

“Well do YOU like it?” He pouted. I opened my mouth. I paused. I winced, the tiniest tiniest bit- but he caught it. And he groaned, covering his face with his arms. “Damn.” He moaned. “Oh, that’s cold, Rubes.”

“I didn’t say no!”

“You didn’t have to.” He mumbled from under his arm.

“I was thinking!” I pulled his arm off his face and moved closer to him, tucking my legs between us and taking his hand. “Uh… I mean. You said it. We’re kind of already dating. I’m ok with that.”

“I want to tell people.” Joel said, his bottom lip quivering. “I want to be official, you know? I want to go out properly.”

“Tell like… work people?” I screwed up my face and Joel swore at me as I caught his eyes.

“God, stop looking at me like I just asked you to marry me!” He grumbled. “Is that such a big deal?”

“Ugh.” I closed my eyes.

“Rueben Valentini, I am BARING my soul here and you are giving me ‘Ugh.” Joel glared at me. “This is EXACTLY why I worried about it. Talk about needing to work on communication!”

“Is this baring your soul?”

“Oh, sleep on the couch then, asshole.” He grunted and stood up. I quickly stood up and wrapped my arms around him.

“Sorry.” I said seriously. “Sit down.” I sighed as he sat down, still glaring at me. “Look, dude.” I took his hand. “It’s all very well for you, ok? You’re gonna get high-fives and locker room talk about what a stud you are. I’m going to get a stern talking to from the owners about how reckless I’ve been at best, and I’m going to get shit from the whole kitchen about being your fucking butt boy at worst and no one will ever take me seriously again.”

“Ok.” Joel nodded slowly. “I take… some of your point. I think we should tell Lydia and Marty first, and tell them it won’t affect our working relationship and we’re very serious and swear to not create drama and all that boring shit. Would that be ok?”

“Are we very serious?”

“Yes!” Joel frowned. “I can’t believe I have to tell you that.”

“I can’t read you!” I protested. “I don’t know what to do when you’re upset! I don’t know how you want me to behave!”

“Usually you tell me I’m being a cunt and get me to explain myself.” Joel shrugged. “You’re really good at it.”

“That’s professional! I would never speak to you like that if you were my boyfriend.” Joel frowned at me and took my hand. He stroked little circles on the back of it.

“I’d prefer it if you did.” He squeezed my hand. “Why do things change if we’re dating?”

“Because…” I bit my lip. Because boyfriends are nicer to you when you don’t call them cunts? Because I was a little scared I would get hurt? Because AJ trained me this way? Anything I could try to say sounded stupid out loud.

“I fell in… I mean, I like you because of the way you talk to me.” Joel muttered. “I like that you’re direct. Actually, to be honest, your work communication is way better than the way you’ve been acting over the last 48 hours which I assume is your relationship communication…”

“I was just trying to understand what you wanted?” I said quietly. “I thought maybe I was pushing you into too much?”

“But I have you over every night?”

“You told me to move my stuff out of your drawer.”

“Ah… no, I was saying I should move MY stuff to give you a proper drawer?” Joel sighed. “Look, I apologise for acting out. I just got so upset seeing you talk to that guy. I should have probably asked right away, saved us a headache, but Rubes, you mean a lot to me. Can I tell people that?”

“People will make fun of me.” I hung my head. “I’ve worked my whole fucking life to be… cool and chill and like, low key… and everyone’s going to be awful about it! I hate stupid gay men who let the fucking chef fuck then as much as the next person! I don’t want to be the stupid cum guzzling butt slut they’ll all think I am! I don’t want to be relegated to talking with the girls while you get to fuck me till you’re bored of me and come out looking like a man!”

“Oh.” Joel’s face fell as he looked at me. He reached out and stroked my cheek. “You are in way deeper than I realised.” He took a deep breath. “This isn’t about how other people will see you. You know that right? What you’re saying is crazy?” He pulled me in close. “This is about how you see yourself.” He sighed as I opened my mouth to argue. “I think gay men can be way harder on each other than anyone understands.” He interrupted me before I could say anything. “Sounds like you’ve internalised a lot of shit, Rubes.”

“I haven’t…”

“It’s all bullshit.” He said firmly. “You think you’re less of a man? You’re not. There is nothing about you that makes you less of a man.” He sighed and I bit my lip as I started to feel an argument bubbling up again. “And no one is going to give you any shit. They respect you. They see you as a leader. A really good leader. They’ll see you as a leader dating a chef, not whatever narrative you’re building. No one cares what you’re doing in bed, except for me. And if anyone ever says anything out of line it’s nothing to do with you. It’s because they’re weird and a bigot.” He stroked my face gently. “I’m really sad to hear you’ve been telling yourself any of this.” His mouth slid downward as he looked at me. “Getting to know you… I think you’re probably one of the coolest people in the world. You find the weirdest music ever and it’s banger after banger. You manage everything around you with dignity and aplomb. Rubes. You’re the hardest worker I’ve ever met. You’re incredibly smart. You’re kind. You’re beautiful- hot as hell, not that it should matter. And…” He shrugged. “I’m really honoured to be with you. I’d really like to be proud about it, publicly. I don’t think I’ll drag you down. I think you’ll lift me up. You usually do.” I stared at him, not quite trusting myself to say anything. There was something I hadn’t said. I was scared of committing for everything he’d assured me about but beyond that…

The last guy I let myself fall for did drag me down.

That was my sum of experiences. I’d been too scared to tell Joel. I didn’t want him to see me as needy. Only… the way he spoke about me….

“Oh. That’s a lot Joel.” I said quietly, my fingers tangling in his.

“Think about it.” He said quietly. “We can always stay fuck buddies. But… that has an expiration date. I don’t want to end up too hurt over here.”

“Heard.” I said. “I have to sleep on it.”

“I understand.” Joel bit his lip. “You gonna sleep on it at your folks?”

“Na.” I glanced at him. “If that’s…” He was smiling and nodding.

My nose twitched as an acrid smell hit it.

“Is something….”

“Shit, grilled cheese…” Joel leapt to his feet. I ran in after him and helped him open all the windows and wave the smoke out of the room. He sighed as he looked at the tray of charcoal. “I used to work for a place that had a Michelin star.” His voice rumbled. I stared at him. I stared at the kitchen. I started to laugh.

—– —- —–

Roy and I headed to Blake’s garage to practise the next day. We’d only been going for an hour when the brothers called for a break and side eyed each other.

“I think we need coffee.” Blake said. “I’m gonna grab some from the cafe. What do you drink, Rubes?”

“Oh, na, I’m fine…”

“Na, seriously, you need it.” He cleared his throat. “Flattie?”

“Na, just a long black.” I started to search my pockets and Blake waved his hands.

“Na mate, you get next one.” He nodded and widened his eyes at Roy before leaving. Roy sighed.

“Hey, let’s have a dart.” He ushered me outside. I swallowed. I’d been playing out of time. I actually thought maybe they hadn’t noticed- but I guess our practise was paying off, which was kind of good. “Sooooo.” He sighed. “Ah. How do I…” He bit his lip and cleared his throat. “It’s been real nice having you round.” He said.

“Oh.” That sounded like a preface to a BUT.

“And in the band. That’s been a godsend.” He looked up at the sky. “And I just wanted to say… you and Joel are nice together. You mellow him out a lot. It would be cool, you know, if you were round all the time, even.”

“Oh. Thanks.”

“You’re a cool guy.” He cleared his throat. “Uh. And you actually don’t even come across as super gay. Like when I met you I thought you were just a mate of Joel’s or something. If I hadn’t seen you guys like…”

“Fuck. Sorry.” I went bright red.

“Look. If you thought…” He closed his eyes. “Well anyway. I just thought I should say that. In case you were worried.” My spidey senses started to tingle. I turned my head to one side.

“Did you… you didn’t hear us… talking last night?”

“Ah.” Roy’s turn to go red. “Yeah so I was kind of in the hammock? And there wasn’t a very good place to like… tell you I was there…”

“Ohhhh.” I stared at my hands. “Thanks, I guess.”

“Joel is a really good guy.” Roy said. “And he really likes you.”

“Yeah.” I sighed. “I know.”

“So. Good luck.”

“Thanks.”

—- —

The day seemed like the longest day I’d ever had. It started with my drumming dragging, and then everything else was too. I didn’t even have a particularly long shift at work but it felt like it had been 12 hours. I finished work on the floor early and went to the back of the restaurant, trying to get everything I hadn’t got to in order before my day off. I made myself a coffee before sitting down and pulling out my work. I put my headphones in and went through the motions, attacking the things I didn’t need to use any brainpower for while my brain was still rebooting. I flinched as I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and pulled my headphones out as I saw Kurt waving at me.

“Sorry!” I smiled. “Hey! Didn’t know you were working?”

“Covering for Georgie.” He sat heavily beside me. “Start at 6, should be cruisey. You good?”

“Mmmm.” I stared at my screen and decided things could wait. “I have a boy problem.” I said slowly. He raised an eyebrow.

“Do you now?”

“Yeaaahhhh.” I fiddled with my pen, spinning it around. “So… there’s a guy.”

“Yeah?” His whole body perked up, like a dog who senses a treat coming. “Luke?”

“Afraid not.” I shook my head. “I actually started fooling around with this guy before you introduced us. Sorry, he was great.”

“Ah, you should have said!” Kurt sighed. “I wouldn’t have bothered! Oh well, tell me everything!”

“Well.” I could feel myself blushing. “Ok. We’ve been… like… having sex for a couple of months now? Just like, I don’t know. DL. Fuck buddies. Like whatever. Anyway… we had… a talk last night and… you know, it’s kind of crazy… he’s like…I actually think he loves me to be honest…” I laughed awkwardly.

“He told you he loves you?!” Kurt’s face broke into a smile.

“No!” I smiled thinly. “I mean, not in those like, three words, but… I think I knew what he meant.” I rested my head on my hands.

“What did he say?” Kurt leant in close and I sighed, shaking my head. “No, tell me!” Kurt elbowed me in the ribs.

“He wanted to date.” I explained. “Like, officially I mean- we’re kinda already doing that unofficially. He had… fuck, he gave me the most outrageous speech.”

“Admitting his love for you?”

“No… I dunno. Like… he just sort of knew what to say. And he was so kind and respectful and I could just hear it… you know, like… so much more than just a guy who wants to fuck you know?”

“Wow.”

“Only….” I closed my eyes. “AJ used to tell me what I wanted to hear as well.”

“Oh, Rubes.”

“And… I read about this. Women often fall out of one… like… hard relationship and into another one because they don’t know any better and..”

“Joel isn’t like AJ.” Kurt said.

“Pardon?” My eyes widened.

“He’s rough around the edges but…”

“Joel?” My heart beat a little fast. Kurt shut his mouth and his cheeks went pink.

“Ok, you two aren’t like CRAZY obvious but you’re not NOT obvious if you know what you’re looking for.” Kurt whispered. “I didn’t think it was serious; I thought it was probably just like a thing gay guys do, you know ‘we’re both hot and stressed, let’s blow off some steam’…”

“Does…. Everyone know?”

“No.” Kurt turned very pink. “No one KNOWS because it was just…. Gossip. Idle speculation…”

“That you started?”

“I didn’t know you two were serious!” Kurt bit his lip.

“Sorry.”

“I don’t know why I ever go to you with anything.” I sighed. “If I wanted the whole world to know I’d tell them myself.”

“I am sorry.”

“Well stop doing it! As if I wanted my staff to think I was groomed! And I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to date Joel because of the gossip! Now I feel even worse about it.”

“Is there any way I can make it up to you?” Kurt’s eyes went very wide and his whole body shrunk a bit. “Other than keep my big fat mouth shut.”

“Well that would be a start.”

“I’m….”

“I accept your apology.” I sighed and started to collect my stuff. “I think I’m gonna…”

“You weren’t going to stay and tell me about your boy problems?”

“Well, no?” I shook my head at him. “Not now?”

“Ok.” Kurt pressed his lips together. “I do have good advice though. Not that you ever listen.”

“Can I actually trust you to not tell the first person you bump into?”

“Yes.” Kurt smiled at me. “Because you’re my friend. I hurt you by accident but I’ll never do it on purpose.” My face fell. He frowned as he looked at me. It was just words. In a particular order. But it felt like my whole being was starting to crumble at the foundations. He just threw that line away, right? It was probably true, right? Kurt was an idiot but he was also my best friend and he would never….

But how many times had I told myself AJ would never?

—- —- —- —-

I stared in the mirror. Was I so broken I couldn’t actually tell right from wrong? My chest tightened. I didn’t know what good and bad was. Was there even good? Was I totally deluding myself? Does everyone just hurt everyone? Maybe Joel was nice this week but it was just to get me to date him so he could turn mean? Was AJ even that bad? He’d thrown a punch, ok. One punch- that didn’t even hit me, over 10 years of knowing each other? Was that even worth getting upset over? Did I have a right to be mad at Kurt? Was I stupid because I still kind of wanted to talk through dating Joel with him? Was I stupid for wanting Joel? I mean, he did used to basically bully me….

Thoughts were rising. Hot. Hard. Fast. Acid was bubbling in my stomach. My brain was bursting. Last time I felt like this I slapped myself. Maybe that was a way to break this. Maybe something harder even. Like…. I scrambled through the bathroom drawers.

“Rubey-Roo, you home?” My mum knocked on the door. I jumped. I saw myself in the mirror. My eyes were crazy. My hair was slick to my face from the sweat. Shit. I was out of my mind.

“Yeah just a minute.” I dropped the razor I was holding like it was burning. I closed my eyes and rubbed my face and took a deep breath. And I systematically tidied the bathroom.

“Hey mama?”

“Yes, caro?”

“Do you know anything about therapy?” I chewed my thumbnail. She ruffled my hair as she walked past me.

“I think that’s a wonderful idea.” She said. “Your Dad and I have both done some work over the years. Very helpful. Let’s look it up after dinner, find someone you like the look of.”

“Thanks.”

It didn’t seem very straightforward to get an appointment. Everyone was booked up for weeks. I felt my gut clench. Ok, therapy wasn’t some magic wand that was going to fix everything overnight but I wanted to start feeling better as soon as possible. I couldn’t go on like this. Mum was on the phone to an emergency nurse, trying to swing something for me. I tapped her shoulder and gestured for the phone. She put me on and I excused myself. I went to sit in the hallway.

“I have a plan.” I whispered into the phone. “I’ll apply for leave at work so I can cover me for three weeks. I’ll tell Mum and Dad I’m going camping with a friend. I know a spot in centennial reserve… a closed track. I…”

“Rueben.” The nurses voice was very soft. “I think you should ask your mum to drive you to After Hours in Newtown right now. They can help.”

“Ok.” I hung up.

It wasn’t a very solid plan, and I felt a little guilty for telling them; which I did, again, at the After Hours. Like I was tricking them into giving me a therapist. Some questions were asked and I didn’t know if I was giving the right or wrong answers. The word abuse came up. A book was recommended to me. I was seeing a therapist in two days. I felt a little lighter.

—- —-

“Hey.” I called Joel when we were home and mum had tucked me in bed with a cup of tea.

“Hey Rubes!” I could hear his smile. We talked about nothing for a while- actually for way longer than I meant to- an hour of just talking to each other passed in no time at all.

“Oh it’s late!” I realised.

“It is.” He yawned. “Sorry, I didn’t even notice. You have work early?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok, well I’d better let you sleep baby-sorry, Ruben.”

“Wait, I actually called to say… about the boyfriend thing….”

“Oh.” He cleared his throat. “It’s ok. It was a bad time to spill my guts out.”

“I actually… I love that you spill your guts out…” I laughed. “I wish I had the ah, bravery.” I bit my lip. “So… I’m seeing a therapist in a couple of days.”

“Shit. I’m so happy to hear that.”

“And I’m hoping they can maybe unpack a few things because… it’s not that I’m like… scared of you…. But I…”

“You don’t need to explain yourself, Rubes.” Joel’s voice rumbled. “I’ll wait. I think it’s really smart of you to take a beat and figure your stuff out.”

“You don’t need to wait if….”

“I don’t need to do anything.” He said sharply. “I told you how I feel about you. I’ll wait. Thank you for calling. You should call me more often. If you want.”

“Ok. Uh. Night, Joel.”

“Night.”

There was a pause as we both took a deep breath. And leaving things unsaid, I hung up.

—- —- —-

“So.” The therapist, Carl shook his head. He was tall and lanky and moved like liquid. He smiled awkwardly. “First sessions are always hard, aren’t they?”

“I don’t know.” I fiddled with a loose thread in my jeans.

“Well. Let’s start. Tell me a bit about why you’re here?”

“Don’t you have a file?” I bit my lip. “The clinic took notes?”

“I’d like to hear what you have to say.” He peered at me over his oversized glasses. “If that’s ok.”

“I guess.” I cleared my throat. “Um. Ok. I… had a bad break up, I guess. Ah. I don’t know if it was the right thing to do… I mean. It was the right thing to do. But now I don’t know if I’m crazy… or if everyone else is… I’m just finding life like, kind of hard, I guess. I’m not sure. Maybe I’m overreacting.”

“What do you feel like you’re overreacting to?”

“Ah… life I guess?” I laughed awkwardly. Maybe if I started with Kurt. That was fairly solid ground. “My friend the other day was apologising because he was spreading rumours about me- and he said he didn’t hurt me on purpose, and like he wouldn’t… and he’s my best friend and I’ve always trusted him, but when he said that I…” Fuck. I couldn’t explain this without explaining AJ. “It reminded me of what my ex used to say. And now I can’t tell if… if everyone is… maybe it was me all along?”

“Sorry, Rueben… If what exactly was you all along?”

“Well. When we first started dating he really loved me. He was really sweet, and really kind. But when I moved in with him… it was like I just always ended up doing the wrong things. I used to make him so mad. I tried really hard to make it better. I did whatever he asked. But I’d always do something else wrong. And don’t get me wrong- he never hurt me, but he did used to… well, there were accidents and stuff and I know he didn’t do it on purpose but if he didn’t then… well, Kurt didn’t either… I don’t think Kurt is like him… but…” I closed my eyes. “I don’t think I trust anyone.” I mumbled. “So maybe it’s me? Because everyone can’t be…” I trailed off and stared into the space between us. We sat in silence for longer than I felt comfortable with. My brain started drifting to Kurt. He’d been so nice at work. Not really talking to me, but being the best- two steps ahead of me even. He used to gossip up a storm constantly and I sometimes had to tell him off, but he was busying himself with side work and politely stepping out of conversations. I was scared I’d ended up hurting him by accident. Fuck. Accidents. Everywhere. My whole life was a….

“Hey, Ruben.” The therapist said softly. “Are you ok to come back to the room a bit? Maybe you could tell me what you’re thinking about?”

“Accidents.” I mumbled.

“Accidents.” He repeated. “Are you ok giving an example?”

“Oh. Yeah. Like my phone.” I shrugged. “AJ was mad at me because I texted someone else. He threw it and it broke really badly.”

“I see. Anything else?”

“I guess stuff like that happened a bit.”

“Just to your things? Or did he break his things too?”

“No, just….” I looked at the therapist and frowned.

“Accidents do happen.” He looked at me. “They even happen to people we love. But accidents don’t usually discriminate. If he was accident prone I am surprised that it was only you who ended up hurt.”

“Right.” I looked away.

“I think maybe you’re focusing on the word.” He said softly. “Instead of accidents how would it feel if I said this was destroying your possessions? Does that feel ok?”

“That feels…” I clenched my fists. “But why would he do that?” Carl didn’t answer me. He just looked at me. I looked away. I pulled at that thread in my jeans. Why? Did it make him happy? It didn’t seem to make him happy. Was he trying to get me to fight back? Give himself an excuse to get physical? The thread in my jeans snapped, leaving a hole. “Does this happen to everyone?” I asked.

“More than one would hope.” Carl sighed. “But no. This does not happen to everyone.”

“Why me then? Is there something wrong with me?”

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you.” He said. “Do you blame yourself a lot?”

“Well…” I shrugged. “Maybe if I…” I swallowed. I looked to him to prompt me. He didn’t. “Maybe if I was…” I sighed. I’d tried fucking everything hadn’t I? Nothing had fixed anything. “Yeah, I do.” I hung my head. “I fucked up my degree, I gained weight, I took a job that gave me no time to see him. I basically fucked up our relationship. If I wasn’t so selfish…”

“Right.” He took some notes.

We started talking. About my degree. When he heard I graduated with honours he congratulated me.

“It doesn’t sound like you fucked up your degree.” He smiled.

“Well. I mean I didn’t do anything with it.”

“When did you graduate?”

“A little over a year ago.” Carl managed to hold back what looked like it was going to be a laugh.

“You know. I also graduated with honours, in psychology.” He said. “I took three years off to go backpacking in South Asia.”

“Oh.”

“Do you think I fucked up?”

“Well…” I rolled my eyes. “Obviously not.”

“I suspect you’re holding yourself to a completely unattainable standard.” He said. It was the first real, no bullshit thing he’d said to me. I smiled a bit.

“Maybe.” I admitted. “AJ told me there was no point auditioning for the NZSO because I wasn’t good enough, and to take some time off.” I sighed. “Then he got mad at me for being really good at my job and wanted me to go back to playing.”

“I think I’m seeing where that unattainable standard comes from. Do you think he could have been threatened by you?”

“By me?!” I laughed. “Uh. No.”

“You sound very competent.”

“Well, he is too. I mean. He makes a lot of money.”

“Yes, well. That’s not much indication of competency.” Carl sighed. “Ruben- we only have ten minutes left today. Is there anything very urgent I can help you with before we wrap up today? I want to make sure you’re ok for next week.”

“Oh…ah. Kind of. It’s dumb though.”

“Well, you wanna tell me anyway?”

“Yeah. So. I actually met another guy.” I bit my lip. “I don’t think he’s anything like AJ. But I’m scared he’ll change. Or maybe it is me? I want to… I mean I want to be with him, but I think it’s too soon? And what if I end up changing him? What if it stops being nice? What if…”

“There is a lot I can see you are afraid of.” He said softly. “There are a lot of what if’s in life. It’s very hard to know the answers. Let’s pick one thing. One little thing. We can work on something small. It doesn’t have to be hard or scary. Just one thing you’re afraid of.”

“Ok.” I frowned. “What if he wants something I don’t want?”

“Hmmm. Ok.” The therapist nodded. “Well. We have a week between sessions. So for this week; I want you to practise something. Something that’s going to feel really big, so I want you to practise it in a very small, very safe way.”

“Ok.”

“I want you to practise saying no.” He looked at me seriously.

“I say no all the time!”

“Then you’ll be really good at it.” He smiled. “So, you don’t need to do it for the hell of it. You don’t need to wait until it’s so big and scary you’re frozen. But if there is any time in the next week he, or anyone, asks you for something that you don’t want. Anything. A cup of tea. A lift to the supermarket. Just try saying no. No excuses. No reason necessary. Just a firm, polite, no. It’s ok if you can’t. If there isn’t a good time. But I want you to think about it. Ok?”

“Ok.” I mumbled.

—- —- —-

Kurt appeared outside with a cigarette and saw me. He quickly looked away, and patted his pockets like he was looking for something. I could see he was about to head back inside.

“Hey!” I waved to him.

“Oh. Hey.” He gave me a lukewarm smile and slunk over.”

“Missed you.” I gave him a big hug and he smiled weakly. “I’m not mad at you.” I offered.

“Well. You have every reason to be.” He said glumly. “I feel awful.”

“Yeah. It’s ok.” I sighed. “I haven’t always been very good at setting boundaries. In future: please keep our chats between us? I find it hard as it is to open up.”

“Yes, of course.” Kurt shook his head. “I wasn’t thinking at all. I’m really sorry. I just want the best for you, man. I love you. No homo.”

“You too. No homo also.”

“Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?” He asked me. “More for my peace of mind than yours, admittedly.”

“Well…” I considered that. “Honestly, no.” I said. I let that sit there.

“Ok.” Kurt said eventually. “Well. Um. How are things with Joel? And if you don’t want to tell me, I understand.”

“Well… I’ve been chatting on the phone with him a lot.”

“That’s adorable.” Kurt giggled.

“Shush.” I nudged his knee. “I might go over tonight actually. Haven’t been over for a bit. We were pretty hot for a second but… he seems ok with slowing down.”

“Course he is. He loves you.”

“Yeah, shut up though. He doesn’t know I know that.”

“And he won’t.” Kurt mimed zipping his lips shut.

“You know how I never listen to your advice?”

“Painfully well.”

“He’s really nice, isn’t he?”

“Oh yeah.” Kurt smiled. “He’s a diamond in the rough. Less rough by the day even. I suspect that’s your influence.”

“Do you think it would be exceptionally crazy to start dating? Like, so soon?”

“Not exceptionally crazy.” Kurt looked over the car park thoughtfully. “Slow is probably good though.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“Look at that. We’re on the same page.”

“Miracles do happen.”

—- —- —-

Joel and I finished at the same time. We hadn’t spoken a lot. Not at work. He did look at me. He looked at me, and I looked at him, and then we both looked away.

“You going ok?” He asked as I did closing checks.

“Pretty good.” I smiled.

“Roy said you guys have a gig coming up?”

“Yeah! You coming?”

“If that’s ok?” Joel bit his lip.

“Oh, yeah, please do!” I laughed. “I look so hot when I do my solo, I’d hate you to miss it.” I flushed pink as the words left my mouth. You tart. You flirt. You slut. I closed my eyes. I opened them to see Joel also had his eyes closed.

“Are you ok?” I broke my own spiral out of concern.

“Just thinking about my grandmother.” Joel said through gritted teeth.

“Oh? Is everything…” Joel started to laugh.

“To distract me from thinking about you doing drum solos in a jock strap.” He nudged my shoulder. “God, Rubes. Every now and then you absolutely SHOCK me.”

“Sorry.” I winced.

“Oh, do not be sorry for that.” Joel laughed. “I appreciate it. Hey you… you wanna come over soon? Or…”

“Ah. Yeah actually.” I stuck my hands in my pockets. “Tonight?”

“Oh, yeah, tonight’s great- but everyone’s home…”

“That’s ok.” I shrugged. “School night, I figured they might be.”

“Ok, sweet.” He took my hand hesitantly and I squeezed it back as we headed to his SUV.

He turned on some music. I turned my head to one side.

“Judas Priest?”

“I’m broadening my horizons.” He grinned. “Roy said this was entry level, and almost as gay as TayTay so I thought I’d try it.”

“Gayer, I reckon.” I laughed.

“You want me to switch?”

“Na I fucking love gay metal.” I leant back. “Oh my god, can I queue up BroJob?”

“Can I take very baby steps?” Joel laughed.

“Ok.” I smiled. “Maybe Technicolour Pachyderms wanna do a cover one day.”

“I doubt it, Rubes, but god loves a trier.” He squeezed my knee.

“Hey Joel?”

“Yes?”

“It’s ok if you say no. But I thought a lot this week.” He turned down the music. “I think you’re lovely, and I want to just be us, and I want you to know that it’s just us. But I’m not ready for the whole world to have an opinion about it. Could we do boyfriends without telling work? Not forever… just… just until I’ve figured myself out a bit.”

“You know, I thought about it too.” He said. “I realised I was pushing for something I didn’t need to push for. No one needs to know. It doesn’t need to be a thing. I don’t need the label. I want you, and if you want me too then we’re in a good place.”

“Joel?”

“Mmm?”

“How are you the most emotionally mature person in the world with me and a total dickhead at work sometimes?” Joel started to laugh.

“Well ah… I’m working on it?” He shook his head. “I mean, I’m not exactly in love with Ramon or Charlie or Lara so I have to work a bit…” His eyes went wide and his whole neck turned red suddenly. “A bit harder.” He squeaked out. “You ready to go in?” His voice had jumped up an octave.

“Yeah.” I leapt out of the car. I paused to check I had everything with me and glanced at his back as he headed inside. I smiled to myself.

—— —- —- 4.

“How did that exercise go?” Carl asked me. “Were you able to say no?”

“I said it a little bit.” I had stitched up the knee of my jeans but I could already see another loose thread I could play with.

“Anything you want to share? Or was it some private no’s?”

“Uh… I said no to Kurt trying to make it up to me. You know… about the gossiping…Because I couldn’t think of something he could do just to make himself feel better. Actually that was kind of hard. Um. I said no to some weed at my… that guy I’m seeing, his place. I don’t actually do any drugs. I was a bit worried that would be awkward but it was ok.”

“Was he understanding?”

“Oh yeah, he didn’t realise I didn’t smoke. He was about to like, open all the windows and kick everyone outside.” I shook my head. “I told him that was overkill.”

“What did he say when you said it was overkill?”

“Ah… he laughed and said he didn’t know any non stoners and to let him know if it got too much.”

“Alright.” Carl smiled and looked at his notes. “Hmm. Should we talk about him? Or maybe your ex? Or has anything else been bugging you this week?”

“I’m actually feeling ok.” I said hesitantly. “Uh… I dunno. What… what do you reckon?”

“Hmm. Well. Let’s talk more about saying no. I’m really glad you tried it. It seems like it went ok?”

“Sure…”

Therapy never quite went the way I expected it too. I had kind of imagined me crying the whole time, some nice woman patting my head. Or maybe some barky guy telling me to light a fire under my ass and stop being so pathetic. We often spent quite a bit of time talking about things that I didn’t really think were important. Sometimes halfway through I’d have an epiphany. Other times I wouldn’t. Carl was pretty slow to damn anyone, and pretty quick to sharpen up my language when I used vague metaphors. He didn’t put words in my mouth, but he’d talk me around to seeing things in a new light. A light that focussed on me. He helped me see some really nice things about myself. I never felt perfect afterwards- but I did feel stronger. A lot stronger.

Joel and I couldn’t hide our relationship from our friends. He tried, halfheartedly, to act like we were just fuck buddies, but no one bought it. It was better at work; because we were both hot headed in the heat of service and would snap and stop talking every other night. Ok, so certain people said I had a calming influence- but even that was truly, truly just Joel listening to someone else for a change. It’s not like I was sucking him off in the bathrooms every time he had a bad day. Not EVERY TIME. And he sucked me off too, so we were even.

He’d cleared out two drawers for me. I offered to pay a bit of money to bills and stuff… since I was there most of the time anyway I was starting to feel a bit rude.

“Oh, that’s great!” Syd clapped my shoulder. “When’s the move in?”

“No, no I’m not moving in! Just…” I glanced at Joel who was wincing at his beer. Moving in wasn’t all that different to what I was already doing- except I’d have to tell Mum and Dad, and probably work. “Syd.” I rubbed my eyes. “We… haven’t had that talk yet. This was meant to be like a trial, will it work, kind of thing…”

“It already works?” Roy rolled his eyes. “Splitting rent four ways would be a fucking blessing in this economy Rubes…”

“Can you give us the grace to let us decide when we’re ready for that?” Joel sighed. “Jesus, fellas.”

“Ok, ok.” Syd cracked open a beer. “Ok, so Rubes- you’re gonna put in for groceries, power, internet, and we’ll hold the rent talk?”

“If that’s ok.” I deflated a bit.

“Yes. That’s lovely.” Roy said. “Yes?” He prompted Syd.

“Delightful.” Syd smiled.

—- —- —

“How’s he who shall not be named?” Kurt cosied up to me on my split. We were friends again. He seemed like he was honestly keeping his mouth shut. And I figured if I missed a red flag he’d probably catch it… he was really good with advice, even if he could occasionally be an ass about it.

“I’m thinking of moving in.” I bit my lip. “Too soon?”

“It’s been months.” Kurt shook his head. “I moved in with Rhi after three weeks.”

“Yeah, well good for you, you’re so well adjusted and in tune with yourself, very proud of you.” I teased.

“I don’t think anyone can tell you if it’s too soon other than you.” Kurt shrugged. “At the very least- he has flatmates right? So you know. You’re not chained to some abusive dickheads dungeon like you were with…”

“I still don’t want to talk about this.” I interrupted.

“Sorry.” Kurt said. “Well. Re moving in with him…”

“Moving in with WHO?” I winced as I saw Georgie standing in front of us with the coffee I’d ordered. She moves fast and silent, and Kurt’s voice carries. A deadly combination for discussing secrets.

“Rubes is looking at finding a new place.” Kurt yawned nonchalantly. “Right?”

“Ah, yeah, um.. Yeah I was thinking of moving into this ah, little place I saw on TradeMe… in um, Newtown…” I glanced at Kurt who had raised an eyebrow and was shaking his head at me. Georgie gave me a weird look.

“I think you need to learn to lie.” She said slowly. “You’re really bad at it.” She smiled at me. “Joel?” She guessed.

“Kurt! You said you’d stop gossiping!”

“I have!” Kurt held his hands up in surrender. “I haven’t said a WORD. I promise, Rubes.”

“It’s… a little bit obvious.” Georgie bit her lip. “He lights up like a Christmas Tree when you enter the room. To a degree where you have to be actively ignoring it, no one is that oblivious.”

“Am I that bad?” I winced.

“Actually no.” Kurt said. “HE’S so bad that in the kitchen they think he’s a huge simp and it’s completely unreciprocated.”

“What do front of house think?” I squeaked.

“Nothing.” Georgie shrugged. “Kurt said you’re his best mate and if anything has happened you would have told him, and you haven’t told him anything.” I smiled at Kurt.

“Thank you.”

“No problem.”

“Anyway.” Georgie folded her arms and grinned at me. “It IS him isn’t it?”

“…no?” I mumbled. What’s even the point in trying sometimes?

“Hoooollllyyy hell!” Georgie grinned. “Oh my god RUBEN! He is so hot! And is he whipped or what?! Dude nice!” She pulled back for a hi five and I rolled my eyes as I slapped her hand. There was a small cough. I glanced at the doorway. I winced.

Joel raised his eyebrow at me and glanced at Kurt and Georgie. He took a deep breath and slammed his bag down in the seat opposite me, folding his arms.

“Afternoon?” I offered.

“Whipped?” He glared at me. Kurt cleared his throat and quickly stood up.

“Oooh I think my shifts starting.” He said. “Byeee!” He fled for the door. Georgie swallowed.

“Ah… I should head back to the floor. Nice catching up, Rubes!” She disappeared. I smiled awkwardly at Joel.

“Ummm…. ”

“Whipped.” He rolled his eyes. “Weren’t you the one going on about locker room talk?”

“That was a complete ambush!” I protested. “Sorry though.” I mumbled. “Didn’t realise you were in so early today.”

“No shit.” He glared at me. I met his eyes. He was frowning a little too hard. His body wasn’t tense. He didn’t have that look of burning annoyance he usually had on when he was actually mad at me.

“Come here.” I reached for him. I saw a smile threatening to break through his stony exterior. I took his hand and pulled him to sit next to me. “I’m so scared.” I admitted, resting my hand on his leg. “It’s…. Like a dream with you. I don’t want to ruin it.”

“That’s why we communicate.” Joel allowed his hand to meet mine under the table. “I’m great at it. You’re getting better.” He nudged my leg. “I will ALWAYS hear you. And I will ALWAYS respect you. And while I’d feel better if we were officially dating if you’re gonna gossip about me to your waitstaff… They do have a tendency to ambush, and you do suck at lying, so. It’s fine.”

“Sorry.” I mumbled. “Kurt’s always been really good with advice.”

“Bet.” Joel sighed.

“Hey, Joel?” I looked at him. “I’m whipped too.” I mumbled. I felt his whole body melt.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” I swallowed. “I… think I love you dude.” He nestled closer and pressed his head to my neck, inhaling my scent. His arms started to wrap around me and suddenly he paused and drew away, clearing his throat.

“I really wish you’d saved that for when I can kiss you.” He whispered.

“You can kiss me.” I said.

“I think the team might notice if we start making out in the back room.”

“It sounds like the team wouldn’t be all that surprised.” I reached for him, brushing his hair off his face. I loved that. Maybe he did too. He caught my hand and kissed my fingers.

“I did try to hide it.” He sighed. “Did I fuck it up?”

“Baby…” I paused as the word slipped out. He called me baby all the time. He called everyone baby all the time. I guess I didn’t say it much though. I looked at him. He was pink. “I’m a bad liar and you’re noticeably nice to me. The fact we got away with anything for any length of time is incredible.” I pressed my head to his shoulder. “It gave me enough time to figure out what I’m ok with though.”

“And you’re ok… if… everyone knows?”

“I’m ok with it.”

“So… are we telling Lydia and Marty?”

“I guess so.”

“Telling us what?” Our heads snapped round to the corridor and I silently swore. Why the fuck did I ever fix that door? You never used to sneak up on people silently here. Joel and I sprang apart and glanced awkwardly at each other. Lydia sighed and set her bag down. “Ok.” She said. “Out with it.”

To be Continued….