After several rounds the sparring came to an end and the men in their loose-fitting gis gathered around their instructor for a final word. Most of them headed for the lockers to grab their things while several milled about chatting casually. The original plan was for Ray to hang out a bit but instead he said a quick goodbye and then bolted.
When Dylan showed up at Ray’s place shortly after, he noticed they the man was clean and freshly showered. His first thought was that Dylan must have showered at John’s place before remembering that the studio also had a shower. But he hated that that’s where his mind went. Jumping to conclusions and feeling so anxious. If he had been more experienced, he might have been able to maturely explain his discomfort. But this was his first real relationship. He had said and done things with Dylan that he’d never done with anyone else. He not only felt things that he had never felt but also things he didn’t even think himself possible of feeling. And, as they stood in the living room of Ray’s immaculately clean apartment, all these feelings came spilling out in a way that was far less calm than Ray would have liked.
“Have you ever dated any of those guys?” Ray asked trying to sound reserved and failing.
“Who?”
“The guys from the studio, your classes.”
“Dated? No.” he said, as if that would be the end of it.
“Hooked up with?” Ray continued.
“Maybe a couple.”
“What about that bar you go to?”
This question was met with a pronounced wall of silence. Ray let it hang, letting it be known that he was still waiting for an answer.
“An ex works there,” Dylan finally said tersely.
“And?”
“And what?”
“Do you still talk to him? Hang out with him. Fuck him?”
“Do you still fuck your patrol guys?” Dylan shot back.
“That’s different, they’re disposable. If you’re spending time with a guy you used to date that’s completely different.”
“I don’t go there for HIM.” Dylan emphasized the word “him” with a palpable disdain. “I barely say two words to that guy.”
“But -”
“Let’s just drop it,” Dylan said becoming agitated.
Ray wasn’t finished. “So, are you ever going move out of John’s place?” he asked testily.
“I hadn’t really thought about it lately,” Dylan said, surprised at the question and at the tone. “I mean, I started looking for a place but then he said I could stick around as long as I wanted.”
“I bet he did.”
Dylan was confused. “You had fun over there, right?”
“Is that all this is!?” He said, gesturing between the two of them. “Fun!?”
“I don’t know?” Dylan said, now caught off guard. “I mean it really hasn’t been that long.”
That was true but it still angered Ray. The argument that ensued was tense, uncomfortable, and confusing for both parties. It ended with Ray standing alone in his living room, not quite knowing what to do next.
Now, as Ray exited his car after a long day’s work, he dreaded going back to an empty apartment. He had wanted to text Dylan but didn’t know what to say. Climbing the stairs to his place, he tried to think of the right thing to text. Or maybe he should call? Even at the age of thirty-four relationships were new to him. They were something that he had avoided and now he was not equipped to handle his current situation. He was so lost in thought that upon reaching the final flight of stairs he was startled by the large figure sitting at the top, just outside his door.
Dylan was waiting for him. Ray froze for a moment, unsure of what to do. But the sudden, intense feeling of relief that washed over him was eye-opening. He finished the climb and they both went inside quietly. It was Dylan who immediately ended the silence.
“I started looking for a new apartment,” the big man said in a conciliatory tone. “Made appointments for walk throughs at a few different places. I’m leaving work early Friday to check ’em out. You were right.”
Ray breathed another sigh of relief but still didn’t quite know what to say.
“You look tense,” Dylan said empathetically. “How about I give you a massage and we can talk this out.”
Ray thought for moment. There were things that he needed to say to say and things he needed to hear. Dylan seemed more receptive than ever so he agreed.
“It’s been a long day. I need to shower first.”
“Alright,” Dylan replied. “I’ll be here when you come out.”
And so, Ray took a long hot shower to clear his mind and calm his emotions before what might be a make-or-break conversation with someone he was embarrassingly infatuated with. Exiting the shower, he walked into his room to see Dylan sitting on the bed, leaning against the headboard with one leg tucked comfortably under the other. Drying off, he pulled on a pair of shorts and made his way over to the bed. Dylan made a motion for him to lie on his stomach.
“My last relationship ended…. pretty bad,” Dylan admitted as he firmly kneaded the muscles of Ray’s back.
FINALLY. Ray thought, getting Dylan to about his past had been like pulling teeth. But now, it was obvious that the subject was a difficult one.
“How long were you together?” Ray asked.
“Four years.”
FOUR YEARS. It seemed like an eternity to Ray. For a moment he was speechless. But then gathered his thoughts.
“So, it was serious.”
“Yeah, we lived to together for three years.”
“What happened?”
“He left me,” Dylan said.
“Why’d you break up?”
“Because he left me. I still don’t really know why. Well, I do. For somebody else. He moved out of our place and into his place the same day. I was blindsided by the whole thing. I keep thinking maybe I missed something but I would ask him if we were ok all the time and he said everything was fine. And then he just up and left one day.”
“Sounds like a coward.”
“They’re still together,” Dylan continued. “It’s been a couple years now. But I guess I was a little bit worried about getting into something serious again.”
“Was?” Ray said, hopefully.
“Yeah. I like John a lot, he’s a good friend and it’s been nice staying with him but, you’re right: I can’t start a new relationship while still living with a fuck buddy. Even though we stopped hooking up.”
“So, you stopped fucking him?” Ray said it casually, partially to loosen the mood but mostly because he wanted to know. Neither man was particularly bullish on total sexual monogamy but Ray simply was not comfortable with his boyfriend sleeping with old lovers.
“Yeah, but you still can.”
Ray laughed in spite of himself, knowing that Dylan was totally serious, finally admitting, “He IS fun.”
The conversation went better than either man thought it would but Ray felt like it needed to go a step further. He went quiet, letting his new boyfriend’s strong hands work their way across his bare back. Ray flipped over suddenly.
“So, with your last guy; you took it slow, dated him for a year before you moved in together, and it still ended badly?”
“Yeah,” Dylan said, confused.
Ray took charge of the conversation.
“You don’t need to stay with John until you find a new place. Just stay here.” His words were not said with an abundance of emotion. He continued.
“You took your time with this last guy it didn’t make a difference. So just stay here.” Another thought occurred to Ray.