A gay story: No Regrets Alex looked thinner than usual. Paler too. In the three years we had been friends, I had never seen him look so ill.
He was always a skinny one, but he was big on nutrition and kept a healthy vegetarian diet. And now I could see his bones, his hip bones suspending his now loose jeans around his body.
I hadn’t seen him in the studio all week either. No calls, no texts, nothing. We always kept in touch. And why would he disappear for a week without even dropping a hint at where he might be going?
Needless to say, I had a lot of questions to ask.
“So where has my good ol’ Alex been? I was starting to miss my partner in crime.” I said, cradling my coffee cup, leaning against an old amplifier.
“Vacation. Spur of the moment thing. Went to Boston.” he said distractedly, making no eye contact while his pale hands fiddled with some knobs on the soundboard.
“Right on…” I said, trailing off, knowing when Alex wanted to be left alone. “Well, I have a session booked with a band in a few. I should probably head downstairs. Meet me at that cafe around the block after work? We should catch up.”
I only got a grumble in reply.
“Okay, see you then Alex.”
“Later, Noah.”
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I met Alex in my junior year of college. He worked in the recording studio in which I held an internship. We were fast friends. He was always the sunny type, always cheerful, silver lining and all that: the perfect balance to my usual jaded sarcasm. We had the same taste in music, movies, drinks, pretty much anything. And anything is all we could talk about. There were no secrets between us.
Well, maybe that last one is a little less true. No matter how much I wanted to, I had never come out to Alex. It’s not that I thought he would think any less of me. I knew he wouldn’t. Hell, we even went to a gay bar together with one of his ex-girlfriends. I just didn’t want to come out fully if I couldn’t be with Alex. Yeah, I was hung up. And for good reason: Alex was perfect. He was beautiful. His short dark brown hair that always looked like he just rolled out of bed, no matter how many times he combed it, his giant luminous green eyes with those long, gorgeous lashes, his full lips, always surrounded by an expanse of five-o’clock shadow: Alex is nothing short of gorgeous. He was the only one I wanted, the only one I lusted after, the only one I loved. Imagine how hard it is to keep all that under wraps when you’re getting plastered with your drinking buddy.
It’s so difficult to hide, one night, I let myself slip.
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We were out at a bar, celebrating god knows what: a birth, a death, a wedding, a Tuesday night. It didn’t matter. We were going to get drunk anyway. Seated in our usual booth, side by side, I was just beginning to get a little tipsy, but Alex was definitely ahead of me when he began talking about Michelle, his ex.
“She was great and everything, I’m just glad that’s over. She was so… clingy! Too emotionally taxing, y’know?”
“Yeah, I know the feeling,” I replied, not knowing the feeling.
“Do you?” Alex replied, cocking his head, and slurring his words slightly. A quizzical look slowly spread across his face and into his eyes. Those bright, emerald-green eyes.
“What are you talking about, Alex?”
“I just mean. You know. I’ve know you for like, what, two years now? And you’ve never once told me about a girl. No girlfriends, no one-night stands. Nothing.”
“Well, I don’t kiss and tell.” I said, leaning against the wall in the corner of the booth, wishing it would swallow me whole.
“You must be one hell of a kisser then,” Alex replied, cracking a smile and leaning in extraordinarily close to my face, rum and cokes dripping from his breath.
He wasn’t really making much sense, but all I could focus on was the closing distance between our faces. Maybe I thought he was joking, maybe in my heart of hearts I hoped he was for real, but I will never know the reason for what I said next.
“Care to find out?”
I laughed coyly, batting my lashes like a smitten cartoon character. Alex stopped smiling.
Then he got closer.
His lips hovered barely an inch above mine, and unable to control myself, I closed the gap.
I kissed his bottom lip gently, then very slowly, I ran my tongue along its edge: a simple, seductive kiss. Alex closed his eyes as he opened his mouth, letting out a soft moan, as he leaned back into his seat.
“You weren’t kidding then…” Alex said, eyes still closed, head tilted back. I held my breath. “Well, I should be going,” he said with a sigh, “We both have work in the morning, and I already know I’m going to have a wicked hangover. I’ll go get a cab. See you tomorrow, Noah.”
And that was that. We never talked about that night again. I didn’t know if he couldn’t remember the kiss, or didn’t want to, but I know I sure as hell didn’t want to bring it up.
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So there I was, in the basement studio with a friend’s band, checking my watch at least every five minutes, and rushing through our session. My anxiousness to see Alex allowed me to endure several dirty looks and one frustrated drummer.
I was able to duck out a few minutes early, so I hurried out the basement exit and around to the coffee shop opposite the alleyway. As I approached the front door, I was surprised to see Alex already seated at a table beside the large window, looking out on the city. He looked frail.
I entered the coffee shop, and rounded his table, sitting directly across from him. ”Hey man, you alright?”
“Mmmph,” was all I got in reply.
“Have you ordered a coffee or anything yet?” He shook his head. “Oh, well, my treat then, I’ll get you a cup.”
I pulled a waitress aside, and she brought us two cups of piping hot black coffee. Just the way we liked it. I held my mug between my hands, warming them, and watched as Alex slowly did the same. He brought his cup to his nose to take a whiff and suddenly began to gag.
“Jesus, Alex. You don’t need to be out right now. Come on, stay at my place tonight. I’ll take you to a doc-in-a-box tomorrow.”
“No, fuck that.” he said, with the most conviction I’d seen in him all day. “I don’t need a doctor. I’ll be fine.”
“Well, at least crash at my apartment tonight. It’s closer to here than yours is. You’re not getting on the subway like this. Besides, you need someone there to make sure you’re okay. You’re not in the best shape right now…”
“Okay, okay, whatever. I just need to get to sleep and get warm. I don’t care where.”
“My place it is.”
We walked the two blocks over to my apartment, his arm around my shoulders to distribute the weight. When we finally entered my place, I walked him over to my couch where he fully collapsed. I brought out a couple of blankets from the linen closet and laid them across the quivering mass of skin and bone that was Alex. I sat on the coffee table across from him, my head resting in my hands.
“What the hell happened to you, Alex?” I whispered, almost inaudibly, shaking my head.
“We can talk in the morning. Sleepy now.” and Alex shut his eyes for the night.
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I spent a long, restless night in my living room chair. I tossed and turned, unable to think of anything but Alex. Eventually, I gave up and spent my night observing my patient. I watched the steady rise and fall of his body as he slept on his side. Every few minutes, he was struck by a chill that caused his entire body to tremble. I wanted nothing more than to curl up next to him on that couch and warm him up.
As the sun rose and peeked through the curtains, I decided that I would make us breakfast.
I got to work in my little kitchen. I made food that would be easy on the stomach. Whole wheat waffles, no butter and a big pot of green tea. I heard something stir in the living room, so I put the food on a tray and brought it out to the waking Alex. He needed a good meal in him.
Alex sat up groggily, only vaguely aware of his surroundings. I set down the tray on the coffee table. “Eat up. Let’s see if you can keep this down.” He glanced over at the tray of warm waffles, paused, and suddenly began to dry heave again. I ran the tray back to the kitchen counter then immediately seated myself beside Alex.
“What’s wrong with you Alex? Are you sick? Did something happen to you last week? What?”
“It’s nothing. I’m fine.”
“Like fuck, you’re fine! Stop saying that, stop avoiding me. I know you weren’t in Boston for a week. I know you well enough to tell when you lie. You know that. And now look a you.. You’re skinny as a rail and you look like you haven’t seen the sun in years! Just tell me what’s wrong, Alex.”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you the truth. So I guess I’ll just stick with ‘I’m fine.'”
“Try me,” I said, staring straight into his eyes. “You can tell me anything. I know what you look like when you’re lying, so I trust you to tell the truth. I just want to help you.”
“Fine. But if you don’t want to talk to me after this, I’ll understand. I might be losing my best friend, but I don’t want you to think I don’t care enough to tell you.” He punctuated this with a feeble cough. I took his hand as my concern for him deepened.
“Last Wednesday, I was cleaning out my apartment. I had gathered all the trash bags, and went to put them out in the alley dumpster behind my building. I had thrown the last bag in, when I heard some footsteps behind me. Definitely more than one person. I turned to see who it was, and noticed it was a group of guys who always hung out in front of the next building down the block. Skinhead kids. I remember looking down and seeing razor blades sticking out the front of the biggest one’s boots. I remember one kid laughing, his face full of joy as the biggest one took me down. I remember seeing the blood on the ground, my blood on the ground as one of them called me a faggot. Then they were gone. The world went silent, and I could only see in tunnelvision and the dark edges were creeping in. I’m pretty sure I died that night, Noah.” Alex paused and stared down at his feet, his hand resting on his temple.
“The next thing I was aware of, I was in my apartment, on my bed. I was cold. Really cold. I glanced around the room and I saw a tall man standing at the foot of my bed. Something about this man made me calm. His clothing was ripped and stained with blood. Somehow, I could tell that some of it was mine, but I felt relaxed. Slowly, over the course of the day, he told me what had happened to me, and what I’d become. I did die in that alley. So did those skinhead fucks. But I was the only one who came back. That man, Luca, gave me my life back. He took some of the blood that had spilled from me, and as I faded, he gave me his in return. And now I’m alive, well, sort of. I guess it’s like I have a price to pay for being alive… Luca told me how my life works now. I can only survive if I drink the blood of the living. I’m.. well.. basically, a vampire.” He glanced up to gauge my reaction. I sat, mouth slightly open in wonder. I must have looked a fool, but I knew he wasn’t lying. This was real. This really happened.
“Don’t go grabbing your garlic and crucifixes, all that is bullshit,” he added, cracking a weak smile. The first smile I’d seen from him in a while. “So, I guess this explains why you don’t like my cooking,” I offered in return. “And I’m guessing you haven’t… eaten yet.” I added, as my smile faded. My fingers traced the prominent bones in his wrist.
“No,” Alex hung his head. “I honestly don’t know what to do, Noah. I’m a vegetarian. I couldn’t kill an animal, much less a human. I’d much rather put an end to my measly half-life than a hundred others. Even if that means starving.” Tears welled up in his piercing green gaze.
I leaned forward and took his face in my hands, his pale skin so cool to the touch. “I hope I’m not just thinking out loud here, but… couldn’t you just take my blood. Not enough to kill me, but enough to keep you alive. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you and I could have stopped it.” Tears streamed down my face with these last words, unable to hold them back any longer.
Alex looked away. “Luca told me that was an option but…”
“But what?”
“He told me, if there were.. strong feelings,” he spoke, clearly choosing his words carefully, “between a vampire and a mortal, the first time feeding from them would likely be the last. The vampire could lose control… I could lose control with you.”
Whatever I was about to say got stuck in my throat. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
I looked into his eyes and I knew. “After that night at the bar, that kiss, I knew…” Alex started.
“I didn’t think you remembered that. Or you wanted to. I thought you were just too drunk. You wouldn’t want me when you were sober…” The tears were welling up in earnest now.
“How could I forget that night? Those lips… And of course I want you sober! I want you all the time. It’s you, every day. You’re all that I want, Noah. And it’s taken every ounce of self control in me not to kiss you again. It’s been months that I’ve wanted you, Noah.”
“It’s been about three years for me,” I admitted, laughing softly through the ebbing flow of tears. “Why didn’t you tell me? Alex, I’ve waited to hear this for so long.”
“I didn’t know if you would feel the same. You were pretty drunk that night too. I thought I cornered you. I didn’t want to hurt you by bringing it up if you didn’t feel the same. And I sure as hell don’t want to hurt you now… I think I should go. I’m getting weaker; losing control.” He lifted his head, and I could see two long ivory fangs extend over his bottom lip. The way he looked at me, I could see the fear in his eyes. Fear that he could hurt me. But I knew I could trust him.
“Alex,” I said, moving closer and holding his hand in mine, “I know you can do it. I trust you. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t help you. I couldn’t live with myself if I had to live with myself and without you.” With that, I leaned in and rested my forehead on his shoulder, stretching my neck in front of his face. He inhaled, bringing in my scent, the scent of my blood, and whimpered. I closed my eyes, waiting, shivering from the chill of his skin.
Suddenly, his whimpers turned into a deep rumbling growl. I lifted my head from his shoulder, and he grabbed me by my shoulders and threw me back on the couch. He crawled on top of me, pressing his full weight- or what was left of it- against me. He ground his hips against mine, making sure I could feel his arousal. It was definitely hard to miss, and I know he could feel my response. His face hovered above mine as he stared into me with those piercing eyes.
“Want you, Noah.”
“Then take me.”
“No regrets?”, he questioned, his fangs accentuating the ‘s’.
“None.”
I tilted my head as he buried his face in my neck, softly nuzzling my jawline, and breathing soft warm puffs of air across my neck and shoulder. He slowly extended his tongue and traced an imaginary line from my collarbone to just below my ear, warming my flesh, tasting it. He absorbed my heat and I could feel the chill escape from his skin. His fingers came to rest at my hip bones, just beneath his, gently brushing up and down my sides- teasing me- as he removed my shirt. His head never left the crook of my neck until I reached up and pulled his bothersome t-shirt over his head. I put my hands on his back, fingers grazing the notches in his spine, and pulled him down harder against me as I flipped him over so I was straddling his hips.
“Can we just get rid of these?” I panted, fingers fumbling with the button fly of Alex’s now baggy skinny jeans.
“Here,” Alex lifted his hips as I yanked his jeans down his legs, taking his boxer-briefs down with them.
I inhaled deeply, appreciating his length, and immediately feeling slightly ashamed of my average seven inches. I leaned down over him, planting small, sweet kisses on his chest. I paused at each nipple, slowly taking each one into my mouth, tracing the outline with my tongue. With each flick of the tongue or scrape of my teeth, I could hear him panting my name. “Noah… NOAH…. Don’t stop…” I felt his fingernails grazing my back become sharper, digging into my flesh. I relished in the feeling as he drew blood. My senses became heightened by his newly formed claws.
I stopped for a moment, lifting myself off and removing my increasingly uncomfortable trousers. I stood in front of him, slowly stroking my newly freed cock. I’ll be the first to admit it, I was definitely teasing him. I wanted him to take me. I wanted to feel him inside me. I watched as Alex watched me, eyes glazing over, hand stroking his slick length, licking, then biting those gorgeous lips. I had to kiss those lips again.
I tilted my head back and moaned softly, closing my eyes. I had him.
“Fuck!” Alex shouted in frustration, leaping up from the sofa and throwing me down on my back in his place. He was stronger than I remember.
Alex sat on his knees between my legs. “You done this before?” he whispered in a husky growl. “No. You?” I panted in return.
I never got my reply.
Alex just quickly inserted a long, clawed digit into his mouth, coating it with saliva, and put his and between my legs.
“Let’s make this easier.”
I felt his claw retract as his finger reached my entrance. I gasped and writhed, calling out his name as he suddenly introduced his entire finger into my body. The feeling of pleasure and pain was overwhelming, yet I knew I wanted more. I told him so. We never broke eye contact as he stared into me hungrily and added a second finger, then a third. That’s when I screamed. Neighbors be damned.
Alex continued to stroke his fingers inside me as I moved my hips, fucking his hand in return. He lowered his head, eyes still locked on mine, and licked his way from the base to the tip of my cock. By this point I might as well have been speaking in tongues. I was so close.
“Alex… I… I’m…”
Alex lifted his head and took me completely into his throat. His soft plump lips closed around the base of my cock as his throat contracted around my length. “Mmmmmm,” he hummed, partly to enhance the pleasure he was giving, partly to express the pleasure he received. I reached my hand down, fingers intertwining in his shag of dark hair, legs writhing, chest heaving, screaming his name as I came into his throat. He swallowed me completely and devoured every drop of my cum in the process.
He crawled up my chest, our cocks sliding up against each other. He was hard as a fucking rock, and I was rebounding. His fingers slipped out of me and suddenly I felt empty. I needed more. He kissed me with every ounce of his strength, making sure I could taste myself on him.
In the passion our kiss, a fang scratched across my lower lip. Alex lifted his head, panic briefly striking his face. He furrowed his brow, panting heavily as I watched his long tongue lick a tiny red droplet from his stark white fang.
His eyes rolled into the back of his head as he closed his eyes. His head lolled back his shoulders.
Suddenly his eyes opened wide. They looked different, almost cloudy. He sat up, straddling my hips once more and shimmied his way down, resting between my legs.
I should have been scared. I’d never seen him look like this before. And he had just told me he was a… vampire. It feels so weird to say it. But it was almost as if I could feel him in my head. He was telling me not to worry, telling me how much he wanted me, telling me he loved me. Maybe I just wanted to believe this, but there was no way I was going to stop him. Whatever he wanted to do to me, I would let him do it.
“Fuck me, Alex. I want you. Fuck me!” I began chanting, spreading my legs for him, the wait driving me insane with want.
“Relax, relax,” Alex whispered, his eyes mirroring my desperation. His fingers with his long, sharp nails brushed up and down my sides, soothing me.
He placed his cock at my entrance, his glistening head pressing against me.
He quickly spit in his palm and began stroking himself.
“This will hurt,” he reminded me.
“You promise?” I replied, a sly smile forming on my lips.
I could tell he was pleasantly surprised as the hunger and lust built up behind his eyes.
Suddenly the pressure increased between my legs as he braced himself, hands grasping my thighs. I wrapped my legs around the small of his back, helping his entry.
I could feel him inside me. The intense pain helped heighten the incredible pleasure Alex was giving to me. I let out a loud groan, and begged for more. I dug my heels into his back as Alex gave a powerful thrust of his hips, and forced his entire length inside me.
I screamed, calling out his name as I arched my back. “I want you to fuck me, Alex. Fuck me hard!” I panted, my hips undulating against him, grinding my ass around his thick cock.
Alex moved his hands up from my thighs to my hips as he slowly began moving. Feeling his hesitation, and his desire not to harm me, I helped him along, thrusting back at him, forcing him to increase his speed. “You can fuck me hard if you want to. You don’t have to wait for me. I’m yours. Take me.”
With that, Alex shifted gears. He began pulling back slowly, only to snap his hips forward almost violently. “So tight… Want you…” he repeated between his shuddering breaths. His hands roamed all over, stroking my body.
He then leaned over me, changing his angle, and put his arms on either side of my head so he could see into my eyes. Now with every stroke, he pushed his cock across that bundle of nerves deep inside me. I inhaled sharply, my head snapping backward, as my ass tightened around Alex. I looked up into his eyes and knew he was close. He thrust sharply once, twice, and on the third stroke I could feel him come. His hot seed spilled inside me and served as a lubricant for Alex who showed no signs of flagging.
“Stop me now, Noah. Stop me now or I won’t be able to…”
“Do it! Fuck.. Just do it!” I screamed, continuing my desperate grind against his still hard cock.
Alex leaned down, his face just inches from mine, and kissed me gently on the lips. “I love you. I’m sorry,” he whispered.
I saw his eyes go from cloudy to completely white as me moved from my mouth and buried his face in the crook of my neck. His hot tongue licked all the way from just under my ear to my shoulder.
“Alex.. ohhh,” I moaned, as he continued to thrust into me. I was close. Too close.
Then suddenly, I felt a white hot flash of pain, followed by an almost indescribable pleasure. I exploded in an orgasm so intense, my vision blurred. My cum coated our stomachs as they continued to slide against each other. I tried to gather what had happened to me, but part of me already knew.
I could feel Alex’s fangs embedded in my neck, and I watched his throat move as he swallowed mouthfuls of my own blood. I felt myself getting weaker. I reached up, and stroked his hair, smiling in the afterglow of my orgasm, as I lost consciousness.
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I awoke feeling weak and sore. I glanced around and discovered it was dark outside. I was in my bed and l was naked. I smelled the scent of soap and realized it was coming from me. When did I take a shower?
I reached a hand up and rubbed my sore neck, and everything came flooding back to me. The morning, Alex, his story, then… us. I traced a figure-eight around the two small puncture marks he had left on me. They had already healed.
I then realized there was a warm presence beside me. I rolled over to see Alex, in a soft slumber, his pale cheeks flushed. I snuggled up next to him and wrapped my arms around his chest, holding him tight. I felt him shift as he kissed my cheek.
“Are you alright, baby?” he asked as he pulled me close in return.
“Never better.”
Alex pushed himself back, looking me in the eyes, “I was so worried I had taken too much. I didn’t even want to in the first place, but you… You were just so… delicious.” he smirked, kissing me on the nose. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“Shhh, Shhhhh. Don’t be sorry. I’m fine. And you were dying in front of me! I couldn’t let you go on like that. Plus, I kind of enjoyed it, the whole biting thing. It felt… good. Better than good!”
“Well, I’m glad you enjoyed it as much as I did. I heard this gets easier after the first time. It’ll be easier for me to control. It’s good to know I have a willing snack around too.” he added, a sly grin stretching across his face.
I punched him in the shoulder playfully, “I’d better be more than some tasty little midnight snack!”
“Don’t worry, baby. You’re the main course. Always.”
I pulled myself closer to him, wrapping my legs around him and resting my head in the crook of his neck. “I love you, Alex.”
“Love you too, Noah.”
“No regrets?”
He lightly nipped at my shoulder then whispered lightly into my ear, “None.”