A gay story: Prom Night Ch. 06 Dear Readers,
My tremendous apologies for the long wait in getting Chapter 6 to you. After a few years filled with a few different edits (as I had to figure out exactly how I could work the story for where I wanted it to go), it’s finally here! I’d like to thank all of you who have taken the time to follow my work over the years. I greatly appreciate the amazing patience all of you have shown me as I’ve slowly let this story develop. Thank you so much!
On the same note, I’ve received multiple inquiries asking if I intend to see the story through to finish. The answer is yes. I’m already almost finished with Chapter 7, and there will only be two more chapters to go after that before we reach the end! It’s my intent to finish Prom Night this year, so please stay tuned!! Things are about to get interesting!
Once again, I greatly appreciate all of the support and encouragement; thank you so much again!! All of you are amazing!
—Steve
Prom Night: Chapter 6
I made certain I was up early the next morning. Somehow, avoiding my father made the whole ordeal bearable in my mind, like if I could just escape the conversation with him that I could avoid feeling different. The entire time on the drive to school, I mulled that feeling over, until I was mad at myself for it. It had nothing at all to do with my father’s outlook on having a potentially gay son. He’d already expressed—in his fatherly way—that it was alright. That he loved me.
But the issue had everything to do with my outlook on my life, specifically the outlook on what being gay meant to me. In my mind, it made me a different person. Maybe that was because I simply wasn’t ready to share it with others and be alright with them knowing, but it didn’t change anything. In my heart, I knew I cared about James. But while I wasn’t ashamed of the fact that I cared about him within my own mind, I knew I wasn’t emotionally ready—for my own sanity at least—to be a man who was attracted to men.
I took a deep breath and tried to let my worries go, if only to try to convince myself that my father would leave the subject buried after last night. Then when I let it out, feeling deflated, I grabbed my backpack and headed across the parking lot.
I had just beat the third bus by a few minutes, and while I went across the slick lot, still damp from the thunderstorms the night before, I heard someone falling into step beside me. I looked over to see David, a little out of breath as if he’d run to catch up to me.
“Hey, didn’t you hear me calling after you?” He asked.
“No,” I said, “Sorry about that.”
“It’s all good, man. What are you doing here early for?”
“Couldn’t sleep,” I lied.
His face was blank, as if he knew I was lying, but he didn’t call me out on it. Instead, he said, “Must’ve really sucked to get you here so soon.”
I forced a smile, noticing the way his eyes seemed to light up a little when I did. “So, what are you here for?”
“Oh, you know. Morning detention, the usual.”
I nodded as we made our way inside. “Whose class did you terrorize this time?”
David rolled his eyes playfully, and I could hear the slight smile edge his voice when he spoke. “Mr. Gonzalez.”
“Oh, no.” Mr. Gonzalez taught Spanish and was perhaps the only teacher at school who was an easy target for teenage ridicule. Despite the many references he’d made in class to having a wife, his effeminate nature and habit of wearing the occasional pink button down had landed him the gay label and the nickname “Queen Gonzalez” among the student body. If people think the cheetahs on Animal Planet are savage, they’ve clearly never set foot inside a high school classroom.
“It wasn’t my fault,” David said, “The queen was asking for it.”
I didn’t press David for details; truth be told, I didn’t want to know. But my mind stuck on the verbiage he used. Is that what he’d think of me if he only knew what was going on? The more I tried not to think about the possibilities of that question, the more it seemed to resonate with me.
Taking my silence as the end of our conversation, David said, “Anyway, man, I have to split. Try not to fall asleep in class.” And with a little grin, he walked away.
My first two classes of the day were a drag, which was okay. It allowed me the chance to continue sorting out the mess that was my mind. But by my third class, my brain was too crowded with thoughts and questions that I checked my phone for any kind of distraction I could find. That’s when I found the text from my older brother, Todd.
Hey, could I ask you something? it read.
I looked around the room, wary of whether I could get away with typing a response before my AP Biology teacher would notice. But as my eyes made their way about my surroundings—finding half of my classmates passing notes and another quarter absentmindedly doodling in their notebooks—I figured I might have a shot at getting away with it.
Todd and I were closer than some siblings, but not quite close enough to keep in constant contact. I hadn’t seen Todd since he was home for winter break from college, but he’d been nice enough to mail me the bottle of vodka I had stashed in the hotel room on prom night. I thought for a moment, wondering what he could want to ask. Then I typed back, Sure.
I didn’t pay attention to the time stamp at the top of Todd’s message; maybe it’d come through during homeroom and I’d have to wait. But a pulsing vibration silenced my doubt as his reply came through: Could you pick me up from John’s tonight?
John, I knew, was his best friend from college who lived only forty minutes away in Greensburg. What didn’t make sense was that Todd had his own car—a pickup truck—and usually drove home by himself. Okay. What about your truck?
Todd: John owes me a favor and is putting new pipes on it.
Gotcha, I nodded as I typed and then caught myself. I looked up at the slides of the Krebs Cycle displayed before a classroom of bored eyes, careful to make just enough eye contact with the teacher so she thought I was following along. Then when she focused her attention on another student, I continued texting. Although I didn’t understand why he’d want to put brand-new smokestacks on an ’92 Dodge rust-bucket, I asked Todd what time and address, and he gave it to me.
Then when the deal was done, I scrawled James’s name on the top of my notes. And I sat there, continuing to think about how—and if—my family would ever accept the two of us given our dynamic, until the bell rang.
***
Emotions are, perhaps, one of the most volatile concepts in the world, James Monaco thought when he drove his Jeep Sahara in to work that morning. And, his mind continued, they are one of the most irresistible of concepts to embrace. He sipped his coffee, his mind reeling with examples like the love over Helen of Troy, the hate in John Wilkes Booth’s heart when he blew Lincoln away, and the tears shed over Princess Diana after her tragic car accident. He couldn’t even pay attention to the mellow beats of Van Morrison singing about being hungry for love.
They had given into their emotions last night, hadn’t they? And now there was no going back, even if he wanted to. He didn’t want to, James knew, but something about the lack of choice in the matter made him feel out of control. As though he’d truly given up his kingdom as a teacher and was now a nomad, following his heart instead of his head. The question was: what happens from here?
He didn’t know.
Nor, did he know how long it would last with Dom. But something about enjoying every moment of it was strangely calming about it, even if the part of him that needed order and control was screaming. The two forces dueled within him throughout his first few classes of the day, as the class where he would see the one student that James knew he’d never be able to resist grew closer.
During the change of class, he felt his chest tying and untying itself in knots. Fuck, he needed a smoke. But there was no time, so he did what he could and took a few discreet, deep breaths and took his place just outside the door to watch the students file in. But as the question of the unknown continued to lurk in his brain—wondering what would happen from here—James didn’t think he could stand and watch any longer. So, he took his set of keys and made for the teacher’s restroom down the hallway.
Thankfully, the single stall room was unoccupied, allowing him to splash some water on his face and face himself in the mirror. He gripped the sides of the sink with white knuckles, realizing then, as he looked himself over, that he was nervous. Not for the class, but for what would happen with Dominic. Sex aside, he was starting to really like the boy. And he knew that Dom liked him too; last night was proof enough of that, having taken the effort to put himself out there at the risk of possible rejection.
Caroline never would have done that, he knew. His blue eyes were clouded like those of a lost puppy, James saw. And at heart that he was just as lost as one. He’d always been the one to have his act together, or at least together enough to make it look as though he’d had it together when he really didn’t. It was how he’d gotten decent grades as a kid and then throughout college, how he’d had good credit and a decent nest egg saved up even when his photography business had inconsistent traffic. But with a smile and a kiss, one of his students brought the wall down.
He’d been fine last night; after Dom left, his high remained while he went to bed and embraced the sex dreams that came to him. It was in the morning, when the gray haze of dawn crept above the horizon, that things got funny around the edges. Caroline called him, asking if they could meet later after work to discuss the wedding. He didn’t have the heart to tell her about Dom or about the night before, that he’d really been having a tryst in the dark with another male when she called and he missed it and didn’t see the notification till Dom left. How could he tell her there was someone else, especially knowing that she was in such close contact with his parents?
He didn’t know.
But what James did know for certain was that, regardless of how mismatched they were, Caroline deserved the truth. He knew she deserved the respect of a face to face talk, to know that not only was it over but that she was never the reason why he was leaving. She would do with that information what she would, there would be no stopping her. But Caroline deserved the chance to have closure and to find a man who wanted the same things out of life that she did.
Because…wasn’t that what life was about? Finding happiness? James breathed deep, still wishing he had a cigarette, but felt a little calmer. It would be difficult in the future to have that discussion, but in his heart, he knew it was the right thing to do, no matter how questionable the state of things would be with Dominic after he graduated. College, James knew from experience, often changed people—usually for the better. By that logic, wasn’t it not that far of a stretch to imagine that Dominic might find someone closer to his own age with which he’d rather be?
Stop it. You’re thinking too far ahead. His mind screamed at himself. Take it for the moment, enjoy it for what it is. And as soon as the voice inside of him rationalized it, James knew it was right.
It’s only life, after all. No one ever gets out alive.
The bell rang. He had to get back to his room and teach the class. James took a moment to take a few more deep breaths to calm himself down, then tried smoothing some of his hair with his fingers to make himself more presentable. And more attractive, he reasoned. Then he left the bathroom and entered his classroom.
If he’d been expecting anything less than chaos, he was pleasantly surprised. Aside from a few talkative students, the order of his classroom remained intact. This was good; it was, after all, the teacher who could not maintain order who lost control of the class—as well as the lesson. He went through his usual pre-lesson rituals, including a history joke he’d seen in a teaching handbook: What was the fruit that launched a thousand ships? Melon of Troy. It was almost like a typical day at the instructor’s wheel—until it was time to collect homework.
“Keith, three sentences you scrawled right after the bell rang doesn’t constitute a reflection. You have to do better than this if you want to pass this class,” James admonished. Keith James—a troublemaker by reputation for his tendency to do less than the bare minimum and habit of disappearing off school grounds during bathroom breaks—was trying to argue that he deserved credit for his latest half-fast effort.
“Come on, Mr. M, I spent hours on it.” Keith smoothed the crinkled notebook paper to make it look more presentable. “And look, it’s like half a page.”
James’s gaze leveled him. “I will concede that you used half a page to write three sentences. Turn in the reflection tomorrow, and I’ll consider partial credit.”
The boy huffed under his long blonde curls and wadded up the paper. He grumbled to himself, but he didn’t try to meet his instructor’s gaze.
James moved on, the next person in the path to collect homework from being none other than Dominic. His eyes glimpsed the boy over the edge of his gradebook, and his breath almost hitched in his throat. Dom was staring right back at him; but instead of the challenging gaze that had greeted him the class before their argument, Dom’s eyes glimmered. As much as it stoked the fires of nervous energy within him, the corners of James’s mouth arced into a smirk. The young man was truly something else.
Still, duty called, and a classroom was no place for a love affair. He swallowed the glow in him and tightened his expression as he scrutinized the checked spreadsheet of the gradebook, his fingers locking the others’ collected work against the plastic backing of it. Then he came closer.
“Do you have your reflection?” He swallowed again, trying not to meet the boy’s eyes. But after a second of silence in waiting for Dom to respond, his eyes glanced at him again and found his expression as warm as ever.
“Sorry, I guess I forgot about it…” Dom started to smile, then seemed to catch himself. And in a smaller voice, he added, “…sir.”
James’s expression narrowed on him, nodding.
“I…guess I got wrapped up too much in other stuff.” Dom trailed, seemingly trying to make himself appear sincere. But the more he spoke, the nervousness in James grew.
James bit his lip. Right; “other stuff” … like your History teacher’s cock deep in your ass, the instructor’s mind screamed.
“Uh…sorry.” Dom looked down at the top of his desk.
They had to do better than this if their secret was going to be kept private. What happened at school had to happen at school, and whatever they did behind closed doors had to remain there. As much as James felt himself wanting to bend for his younger lover in understanding—since it was James who had been inside him less than twenty-four hours ago—the façade of the professional instructor had to remain intact. It was the only way to maintain the order of the class, be fair to the other students, and above all else keep their affair a secret. He summoned every bit of professionalism he could muster and replied, “Then looks like you’re in the same boat as Keith; submit it tomorrow and we’ll see.”
He didn’t like the feeling it left him with as he continued on in his trek around the room, leaving Dom there in silence, but what could he do? He cared for the younger man, and although that weighed heavily on how he wanted to handle the situations…he was still a teacher. That meant having to value Dom’s education—including the fairness in how it was achieved—more than his intimate connection to him.
The rest of class, luckily, went smoother. Despite some obvious moments where James felt like he was being mentally undressed by the younger student, he was at least able to get through his lesson presentation without stuttering too bad. All he had to do was focus his attention elsewhere. He could do that; he was, after all, a professional.
Right? Sure.
The bell rang. And just what was he doing? James wished he knew. His thoughts had been derailed again—thinking about Dominic—and this time he hadn’t even been looking at him. He stared at his class, aware that any control he might have had was gone. They stared back, and for a moment, it was just an awkward silence.
Think. For the love of God, think man! You’re a fucking professional. His brain snapped at him. And as if he had been struck by lightning, he suddenly found his words again. Realizing he had been in the midst of giving out his homework assignment for the day. Quickly, James rushed through the rest of the assignment directions, nodded, and turned away in silent dismissal. Feeling like an idiot school kid. He bit his lip and mentally kicked himself as he listened to his students slowly file out of the room, thankful he would have a prep period to regroup.
And then it was over—silence again.
Except he knew it wasn’t. Although he hadn’t turned back to face the rows of desks, James Monaco could sense that he was not alone. Slowly, he turned around to face Dominic.
The younger man was still seated at his desk, a slight smile on his lips. As tense as James felt, the sight of it made him melt into a smile of his own. He snickered, shaking his head, and for a while their gazes stared off in the general direction of each other. Listening to the steady flow of students pass by in the hallway and stealing glances at each other that made both of them melt a little more. Then, as soon as it had started, it was over. The bell rang, and the hallway quieted.
“You’re late for your next class.”
“My last teacher asked me to stay after class.” Dominic sat back in his chair.
James bit his lip, trying not to grin wider as he slowly made his way down the row towards him. “That so? He sounds like a real prick.”
In a lower voice, Dominic replied. “He has a super prick.”
This was dangerous territory for both of them. The student’s response alone was enough to make him tense up a little. James shot a look to the door, wondering if anyone was in the hallway. Knowing he should have shut it, but he had feared it would have raised questions. A cardinal rule as an educator was never to close the door when you were alone in the room with a student. It not only eliminated witnesses; it also raised questions as to why a professional might do that.
He turned back to his student.
“Sorry,” Dominic muttered. His gaze was fixed on James’s face—his smile replaced with hesitation.
In spite of his fear, James melted a little more. He wanted to say something—anything—but didn’t know what. Finally, he let his heart speak instead of his head—slowly and lowly. “You’re something else, Dom.” He trailed off before continuing. “Last night was…”
Dominic watched him approach. What insecurity there was drained from his expression and was replaced by joy. “Wow,” Dominic finished for him.
“Wow,” James agreed. His breath was hitching—what was happening to him? He felt warmer, and all at once, he sensed a slight vibration in his kneecaps. James couldn’t recall the last time he’d ever felt such a crush. He had certainly never felt this with Caroline. And, without a doubt, he had never felt this about any man before—of any age. He had showered countless times with boys in high school after gym class; never once had he felt the need to do the things to them he had been doing with Dom.
He blushed.
He was standing at Dominic’s desk now. The nervous energy within him amplified tenfold—suddenly fearing not only that someone would see them but that at any moment Dominic might reject him. Absurd imaginings flowed through him, but for the first time, James Monaco ignored them.
As if knowing what his lover wanted, Dominic got up. They were eye to eye now; he peered at the door over James’s shoulder. Seeing no one, his fingers reached out to the tie his teacher wore. He rubbed the pointed end of the burgundy silk a little, and James watched his fingers at work. When his instructor did nothing to stop him, Dominic made the decision he both knew they wanted.
Without a word, he went to the door and shut it and turned off the lights. Then he came back to James, grabbed the tie by its thickest part, and gently pulled his lover to the far corner of the room out of sight. Satisfied that any passerby might think he left his room to go to another part of the building, James couldn’t stand it any longer.
He pinned Dominic against the wall and smashed their mouths together in a passionate kiss. Their tongues intertwined as Dominic clutched the tie tighter and pulled him closer. Their bodies ground together in a mix of sighs as they continued making out.
All doubts and insecurities about his job, his sexuality, and the future instantly vacated. All James could focus on was the pleasure of it all—the need to kiss him just one more time. He could feel his hard cock straining against the front of his pants and thrust his hips into his student. Clapping Dominic’s back against the wall as he thrust against him.
Dom’s body was warm with its response, pulling him closer than ever before. And when he felt his teacher’s hardness poking into him, he made a point to reach down and rub his thumb over the tip of his bulge. The effect drove James wild, his breathing hitching as he rode the waves of pleasure from being petted. He could feel his cock slicking with precum.
Just when it felt like they would never allow themselves to stop, their breathing caught up to them. They parted lips with heavy chests, and James was briefly aware that he had moaned into their kiss. Their eyes opened, and both swallowed hard. Hands breaking away from each other.
“Fuck.” James whispered.
Dominic nodded.
“We really can’t do this here,” James breathed. But no sooner had the words left his lips did he know they were in vain. If they couldn’t control themselves for one day, that was the end of it. There would be no hope.
Seeing the hesitation return to his lover, Dominic roughly grabbed the back of James’s head and pulled him in for another kiss. Feeling his fears melting again as their mouths met. He kissed him with care this time—slower and with greater need than to fuck. Aware that—regardless of whether or not he was gay or what his father or friends might think if he was gay—he needed to kiss James just as bad as James needed to kiss him. Whatever feelings were developing were hungry for each other’s presence.
They broke apart again—this time slower—and both smiled more as their eyes met again. Both of them were still raggedly breathing, but any tension in either of them was gone. They stood locked in each other’s arms like that for a little before James spoke. “The Gardenville Restaurant over in Hinkley—tomorrow night?”
Dominic nodded with a smile.
James nodded too, chuckling a little at his loss of control. This was beyond him, but somehow, it felt okay. “Six o’clock?”
“Yeah.” Dominic silenced him with another long and slow kiss. When they pulled away, James stole another quick kiss, and they both laughed.
“Alright. It’s a…” James nodded, and Dominic nodded in agreement. It would be their first date. Joy flowed through the older man. He swallowed, and then, as if realizing again where they were and what risks they were taking, he nodded. “You have to get to class.”
He wrote his younger lover a late pass and watched him take it and go. Thankfully, only ten minutes had passed during their tryst. Dominic would be late but not late enough to raise too many questions. Then, when he was satisfied that their secret was safe—at least for a little longer—he set back to work. But something was different; James found himself pausing every few minutes trying to pinpoint just what it was. Finally, after twenty-minutes of nothing but the rhythmic ticking of the clock to fill the void of his test-prep period, he was comfortable enough to accept the answer.
He was starting to miss Dominic.
***
I was thankful that James had picked tomorrow night for dinner. I don’t think I could have gotten a word in about picking up my brother Todd tonight if he hadn’t. The rest of the day almost felt like a dream—like I was no longer Dominic Anderson but someone else entirely. Someone foreign to me who dressed like me and looked like me but was—
(In love?)
—an enigma I couldn’t understand with a sexuality and feelings which confused me. I paused as I slid the key into my car’s ignition after school, thinking about the word “love” and wondering why it had crossed my mind. Certainly, I cared about James—more than any student should ever care about his instructor—and I was looking forward to our first date.
But love?
I couldn’t recall ever having been in love or even ever considering it as a feeling I felt before. You know…outside of familial love for my family. Instead of turning the key in the ignition, I looked at my reflection in the rear-view mirror. My eyes roaming the face of the stranger looking back at me. In a matter of weeks, everything that I thought about myself had been turned inside out, thanks to James Monaco. But was the person I was becoming someone who could fall in love with a guy?
I had no idea.
Nor did I want to allow myself to think too deeply into such heavy shit. I started the car, instead, and tried my best to continue on with my day. I stopped at home for a while and then, when Todd texted me that he was almost ready to come home, I headed over to John’s house in Greensburg. Taking my time while I continued to mull over the past few weeks with James.
When I got there, I half-expected both Todd and John to be working in the garage together on his truck, but I was surprised that Todd was alone out front instead. He gave a wave as I pulled up and climbed into my battered Plymouth as soon as I pulled in the driveway.
“Thanks for the ride, man,” he clicked his seatbelt on. His hands were still blotched with grease from—I guessed—working on the truck. As I looked at my brother, I could see he even had some in his sandy blonde hair. “John had to split; his girlfriend needed him to pick her up.”
“Were you waiting long?” I felt bad for driving slower than usual.
“Not at all—maybe ten minutes.”
“Gotcha.” I nodded. Todd wreaked of early-summer sweat and diesel fuel; I could smell it as I merged the car on the highway. It made my mind trail back to James, remembering the scent of his sweaty body in the afterglow of our sex together. I stifled a blush, like a girl with a crush.
“So, enough about me; what’s going on with you?” Todd eyes briefly studied me, then went back to the three lanes of open road before us. I couldn’t even recall a word he had said before that. He had been bullshitting about college as I drove, but my brain was too much of a muck to listen to what he was saying.
I bit my lip.
Todd looked at me again. “You okay, man?”
Say something—anything! My mind begged. But words failed me. Finally, I managed, “Not a whole lot new here. Just the same old, same old, you know?”
My brother nodded, considering my words. Then, as if just remembering, he asked, “By the way, how’d it go with that chick on prom night?”
I said nothing.
“Come on, man, I’m not Mom. Tell me—are you still a virgin?”
I wanted nothing more than to pull over and run out screaming into traffic. Instead, I pointed to the nearest fast-food billboard. “Hey, are you hungry?”
Todd’s hazel eyes lit up. “Congrats, dude! You guys go all night?”
“I think we should stop for some food. I’m going to pull off.” I checked the right-hand blind-spot and quickly changed lanes to take the exit. I wasn’t ready to talk about any of this with anyone, and now it seemed that I had fallen into an inescapable confrontation.
My brother just stared at me, watching as I maneuvered the Plymouth to the off-ramp and made for the Gino’s roadside burger stand. He said nothing, as if he expected more from me about prom night. When I didn’t offer, Todd sighed. “Alright, let’s have a burger. But then we’re going to have a talk.”
We got our cheeseburgers and ate in silence at one of the paint-peeled picnic tables lining the paved lot. The rush of tractor trailers and countless cars could be heard in the distance, on a straight course for the setting sun on the horizon. And more than anything, I longed to be in one of them—any of them—just so I didn’t have to face Todd’s questions. I slurped on a chocolate milkshake with my meal, wondering how I’d further stave off his prodding about prom night, when he finally broke the silence.
“You didn’t sleep with her, did you?”
I froze, locking eyes with him. I set my Styrofoam cup down and looked down at my cardboard tray.
“Dominic,” Todd said gently. It was the first time in a while he’d addressed me by name. “Talk to me.”
“No,” I said simply. I couldn’t look at him, but I couldn’t eat anymore either. I picked at my half-eaten cheeseburger bun. “I didn’t sleep with her.”
“That’s okay, man. You’re bound to lose that V-card at some point. No need to rush it.” I could almost hear his smile in his voice as he tried to smooth over our talk. When I still didn’t say more, he asked me, “Do you remember that time I got kicked out of that summer program we used to go to?”
I raised my head to look at him. Todd was still staring at me, his face warm with his smile. I knew exactly which summer program he was asking about; it was summer daycare for elementary school kids. Our mother signed us up every summer five summers in a row, until Todd got kicked out for fighting. “Yes,” I answered. “You were kicked out for fighting.”
Todd nodded. “Right. But do you know why I was fighting?”
I picked some more at my cheeseburger bun and shook my head no.
“I got kicked out for protecting you,” Todd told me. “That asshole kid—Carter something—used to steal pudding cups from your lunch when you weren’t looking.”
“I remember that,” I said. “He used to eat half of it in front of me and then throw the other half on me.” The memory made me laugh a little; our mother used to get so pissed thinking I was just playing with it.
“That’s right,” he said. “So one day, I decided to give Carter a taste of his own medicine. When he had the pudding cup, I shoved the whole thing onto his face. It was actually kind of comical watching him flail around throwing punches, blinded by chocolate pudding.” For emphasis, Todd playfully moved his arms like Carter, and we both laughed.
I smiled.
“The point is, bro,” Todd’s gaze leveled on me, “I just wanted you to be able to eat your lunch in peace. I protected you then, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat. You’re my brother.” He paused, looked out at the highway again where motorists whistled by, and continued. “And I can tell when something is bothering you. So why don’t we talk it out? I’m not Mom or Dad, and I’m definitely no cop. This is just us talking.”
I opened my mouth to talk, stopped, and looked down again. Part of me wanted to talk to Todd—to have one person to confide in about all that was happening. But that same part of me that longed for someone to know also worried about James. The last thing I wanted was to ruin his life.
After a few moments of silence, Todd asked. “Is this about your V-card? Like I said, don’t sweat it. Some guys don’t get laid till they’re in college.”
“I’m not a virgin.”
His eyebrows arched in surprise. “You mean you banged a different chick at the prom?”
“Not exactly…”
Todd’s expression was blank for a little while, trying to piece it together. Finally, he leaned forward. “You mean…you and another dude?”
I nodded slowly.
“Talk to me,” Todd said gently. “From the beginning.”
“If I do that,” I lowered my voice, “you can’t tell anyone or judge me.”
“Just who the fuck am I going to tell?”
I shrugged.
“Okay,” Todd said. “I promise. Now, what’s going on?”
I started from the beginning—trying to dance around the details as much as I could to protect James, only to understand that the more I hinted, the more Todd prodded. At last, I folded and left nothing out, explaining that I had spent the night with James. More specifically—that I had made the decision to spend the night with him.
“Holy shit,” he shook his head, incredulous. “I’ve heard of this shit happening, but I’ve never known anyone who actually did it. You banged a teacher!”
“Not so loud,” I hushed him. “It’s…complicated.”
“Complicated as in you enjoyed it?”
I hesitated for a few seconds and reluctantly answered. “Yes.”
“That’s not that complicated,” Todd said. When I opened my mouth to argue with him, he held up his hands. “I mean, it’s complicated because he can get in a shit ton of trouble… This shit is illegal in PA. But, you discovered something you like. Lots of guys do it.”
“What do you mean ‘lots of guys?'”
“John’s had some experiences.” Todd shrugged. “A month ago, at one of our frat parties, he swapped blowjobs with one of our frat brothers.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“So, you and John have….”
“What? No.” Todd shook his head. “John’s cool. But I never saw the appeal myself of the old eggs and bacon.” He laughed. When he saw I wasn’t amused, he continued. “The way I see it—you just discovered something new you liked. You had fun. Is that so bad?”
“I guess not…” I conceded. I looked around to see if anyone was close enough to hear us talking. Satisfied that the only other people were an elderly couple twenty feet away, I added. “But it’s—”
“Complicated,” Todd finished. “Okay. Let me ask this; do you like him?”
“I don’t know if I’m gay or not.”
“Forget gay,” he said. “Do you like him?”
“Honestly?”
“Honestly.”
“Yes…” My voice dropped lower.
“And does he like you?”
“Yes…”
Todd nodded, as if weighing everything. He didn’t speak for a while. Finally, when he did, he shrugged. “Well, the way I see it, it was not a good thing to happen.”
I started to speak, but he raised his hands again to silence me.
“But…” Todd continued. “You’re eighteen, so you’re an adult. And you’re only a few weeks away from not being his student. So…even if it had to happen, there are way worse things that could have happened. As long as you two are happy together, why not?”
I smiled a little.
“But, if he’s going to be a prick, he’s going to have to answer to me. I hope you know.”
I nodded. “It’s just confusing because neither of us know what’s going on.”
“I get that.” Todd ran a hand through his thick dirty hair. “So let me see if I can make it less confusing for you. You care about him.”
“I do.”
“And since this all went down, have you been feeling like this about any women?”
I shook my head.
“When you jerk off, what do you think about most of the time?”
I blushed.
“Him,” he smiled, “gotcha.” He let out a slow whistle—processing everything—and then looked me dead in the eyes. “One last question: would it be so bad if you are gay?”
I wanted to answer him, but I honestly couldn’t think of an answer.
When I didn’t speak, he asked me, “What’s the worst that could happen if you are gay? You have a family who loves you and a big brother who would beat the shit out of anyone who tries to hurt you. What’s the worst that could happen?”
“I…” I started, but I didn’t know how to answer. The entire conversation seemed so logical to me and, yet, made me scared. Part of me wished I could go back—time travel to the days before prom night when everything made sense. But as soon as the thought occurred to me, I know I couldn’t do that. I didn’t want to go back to the days without James. “I…I don’t know.”
“You don’t know because the worst that could happen is that you find love with another guy.” Todd said simply.
We both sat in silence for a while as he let me process it. After a minute, I admitted, “That actually makes a lot of sense.”
Todd cracked a smile. “I tend to do that; I attribute it to all the pot I smoke at school.”
***
James Monaco’s evening did not go quite as smooth as Dominic’s. He called Caroline in between classes and asked her to join him for dinner to talk. He had had every intention of breaking it off with her, until she showed up with her bridesmaid Danielle. With the conversation too personal and too difficult to have in front of another person, he resolved to keeping things status quo for the time being.
“Honey, are you alright?” Caroline smiled at him above her martini. “You look like you have the world on your mind.”
Danielle giggled, clearly drunk. And why wouldn’t she be? He reasoned. She had three jolly ranchers before they were finished with their entrees. “He’s just dreading the big day.”
“Dreading?” James turned to her. They were seated in a small booth in the corner of Frank’s Sports Bar, under one of the dozens of flat screen televisions tuned to ESPN.
“Every man dreads the day,” Danielle said, “It’s to be expected. One woman for the rest of your life and all that jazz.” She waved her hand and took another swig of her latest drink.
James tried to think back on what exactly Caroline said Danielle did for a living. He thought she was a medical assistant; he did know she had been friends with Caroline since college. She certainly wasn’t a therapist. He smiled to be polite.
“I don’t think he’s dreading it,” Caroline smiled. She brushed back some of her short blonde hair, her blue eyes locking on his. “Are you, baby?”
He opened his mouth to answer his fiancé, but Danielle cut him off. “Of course he is,” she giggled. “I know these things—been married twice so far.”
James rolled his eyes. Yes, that makes you fucking Dr. Drunk—psychologist extraordinaire. He felt out of place and wanted to go. He wished Caroline had just come alone so they could talk, but it seemed that talking would not be in the cards. He thought again of Dom—wondering what he was up to—and said nothing.
Caroline flashed an apologetic look at him from across the table. Be nice, her eyes said to him. And James tried to be pleasant as Danielle went on.
“When is the big day, anyway?” She giggled some more.
“June 2nd,” Caroline answered.
“You’re in it,” James said simply, pursing his lips.
Danielle turned to him, embarrassed. “Right. My bad.”
“It’s all good,” James forced a smile.
For a beat, no one spoke at the table. Caroline watched her fiancé, and James tried his best to keep his expression neutral. But it wasn’t working.
Finally, Danielle said, “I think I need the bathroom. Can I—”
Before she could finish her thought, James got up and let her out of the booth. Danielle stumbled a little before getting her bearings. Then she wandered in the general direction of the restrooms. Alone for the moment, James sat back down and returned Caroline’s gaze.
“Can’t remember the big day?”
Caroline rolled her eyes. “She had a little too much to drink.”
“And she’s being rude,” James added.
“Don’t start, baby. Please not now.”
“I’m just sitting here,” he said simply.
Caroline held up her hand. “It’s going to be over soon, and then you and I can be alone.” When he said nothing, she continued. “Come on, she’s my best friend. And she just spent all afternoon with me helping with the dress alterations.”