Worth The Risk

A gay story: Worth The Risk Dear Readers,

I sincerely hope that you enjoy reading this. It is truly a love story, so please hunker down and strap yourself in for some serious reading. For those of you who just like a quick romp, I’d like to apologize in advance and advise that maybe you try something new. It is always a joy for me to be able to express myself through my stories and any comments, constructive or otherwise, are greatly appreciated.

~M

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Being gay is not something that I have let anyone know about. The only person that I told was my best friend. He shocked me by admitting that he had been having fantasies about guys and figured that he was gay too. We fooled around in experimentation, but didn’t go too far. For some reason we just weren’t attracted to each other like that; we were like brothers.

This brings me to my brother. Maybe I should give out some names and descriptions before I go on though. I’m John, 5’9″, 175lbs, lightly muscled, and brown eyed. Right now, my hair is dyed black from my usual brown and I’ve got a streak of green going through the middle. It’s a spiky combed look that is short in places with a mock bang. Think of something like the lead singer of Fall Out Boy. Very Chic.

My brother, James, looks like me in a toned down traditional good boy sort of way. He’s five years older than my 21, and about four inches taller than I am. He looks like an amplified version of me but his hair grows shaggily around his ears.

My best friend, Johnathan, yeah I know it’s weird, all theses J’s. People see us and call us John-John. Anyway, he’s even more outlandish than I am. I almost couldn’t remember that his hair is honey blond because it hasn’t been that color since we were in tenth grade. His vibrant blue eyes often offset his dark look that he’s created. He often looks a little Goth, but it’s a toned down version. He’s about my height, we’re the same age, but he’s a bit slimmer than I am.

Now back to my brother. He also has a best friend, Rick. I’ve always wondered if they were gay but I never wanted to think about it too much. Johnny and I often talked about my brother and Rick. We were both shocked to find out that he liked my brother and I had a huge crush on Rick. Rick, for lack of a better word was just beautiful.

He had the most soulful light brown almost amber eyes that seemed to just pop against his tanned caramel skin. He was taller than all of us at 6’3″, and he was smooth without that ripped work-out too much physique. I didn’t mind that Johnathan mooned over my brother because it always made me think of Rick.

As of now, I was waiting for J, that’s what I call Johnathan, to get to my house so we could go to the movies. We were going to see “Bee Movie”. Hey don’t judge, we see almost every movie that comes out and Seinfeld is one funny mug. Anyway, I heard J chug up in his old geo prizm, horrible car, but it got us from point A to B.

I walked out shaking my head as I always did. “Dude when are you gonna get another car? This one’s worse than shit.” As I walked to the passenger side, he unlocked the door telling me that my Toyota corolla wasn’t much better and it sucked that I had to agree.

We rode mostly in silence, each lost in our own thoughts. I was thinking about my brother and Rick. Something that was never far from my mind. If they were indeed lovers then that would be the end of my fantasies and J’s as well. However, many people had mistaken J and I as the same thing and I knew that wasn’t the case.

I didn’t have the guts to go to Jamie and ask him partly because I didn’t want to know the answer if it recognized my fears, and mostly because he didn’t even know I was gay. I didn’t want my relationship with him to change. Sure I didn’t really date, except discreetly, and never girls, but my parents just thought I was absorbed into my studies and Jamie, well I didn’t really know what he thought. Even still, he couldn’t know that I was gay and I wasn’t going to chance telling him and ruining things.

J interrupted my thoughts saying, “Do you think we’ll ever tell them?” This was a conversation that we often had and one he didn’t really expect an answer on. We were both cowards in respect to this subject. We were both stuck by indecision and uncertainty. It’s a horrible feeling when the relationships that have budded between the four of us could be shattered with two sentences; I’m gay. I like you. We always let it drop and just went on with whatever we were doing, but I knew that it was something that never strayed far from our thoughts.

We got to the theater, bought our tickets, went up the escalator and got in line for concessions. We had been standing in line for a couple of minutes when for some reason we both looked back at the same time. We saw the objects of our desires coming up the escalator just at that time. I knew that there was shock in both of our eyes, but just as quickly as I masked mines I knew J was doing the same.

We exchanged a glance that spoke volumes and turned to fully greet them.

****************************

When I first noticed that I was gay it was not a pleasant time for me. I’d just turned fourteen and I was freaked out because I could understand most of the ramifications that being gay would bring. The most important thing in the world to me at the time and after was not hurting my family or my little brother Johnny. He looked up to me and I just didn’t think that he would still feel the same if he knew that I was gay. It was odd that I didn’t think me being gay would really affect my sisters like it would my brother.

Once I turned eighteen I figured that I’d come out to my parents but my brother was still impressionable and young. I didn’t want to be viewed as a disappointment in his or the rest of my family’s eyes. I was glad that my best friend Rick was there through some really rough patches.

It wasn’t like my parents were raving bigots or something, but you just never know in those situations. I couldn’t deal with it if my family hated me so I just held it all in. It didn’t help that I found myself having feelings for my brother’s friend Johnathan. Rick teased me incessantly about liking him but he couldn’t talk because he was half in love with my brother.

I never knew what the attraction was because we were total and polar opposites. Johnathan was into punk rock and grunge music. He looked like a goth in training. I don’t ever remember him wearing a suit or something that wasn’t extremely tight with chains running everywhere. I’m like vanilla ice-cream while he’s chocolate cherry cheesecake ice-cream or something. It didn’t matter though; I had the hots for him, which made me only fight harder not to let them know that I was gay.

Rick, on the other hand, pushed me all the time to tell them. I think it was just because he wanted his chance at Johnny. It was like a house of cards for me though. If one secret came out then the rest would come tumbling out. He understood it; at least he said he did. Plus, Johnny and Johnathan were really close; it was an area of concern for both of us and something that we didn’t talk about often.

Both Rick and I liked going to the movies. We decided to go see “Hitman”. I can’t remember the main actor, but he was hot and it had action. What more could we ask for?

We arrived at the theater and I don’t know how Rick reacted but I always felt a pull in my gut whenever I saw Johnathan. We said our hellos, me embracing my brother and shaking Johnathan’s hand. Rick just shook each hand. I couldn’t chance giving Johnathan a hug because I felt electricity from just his handshake.

“What are you guys here to see?” I asked and I didn’t know what to make of the embarrassed glance that they shared. I hoped it wasn’t one of those inside jokes for lovers.

“We’re going to see “Bee Movie”.” To which me and Rick laughed.

“Damn, that’s worse than a chick flick, it’s a kiddy movie. I wouldn’t want to go see it but Jamie here has been talking about it. We’re going to see “Hitman”.” Rick clapped me on the back as he told them that I wanted to see the movie. I wondered what he was up to but figured it out quickly when Johnathan spoke up saying that Jamie wanted to see our movie too.

Both me and my brother were eying them and each other warily. I quickly pulled Rick away making the excuse that the other line was shorter. “What are you doing?” I exclaimed in a harsh whisper. If I had been paying attention i’d have seen that Johnny and Johnathan seemed to be having a similar conversation.

“Come on man, I just want to have some time with him, alone. I know he’s not into me but I don’t know. Don’t you want to be around Johnathan?” Rick asked and I did feel a pang of regret that because of me he wasn’t pursuing Johnny.

“How am I going to sit next to him, in the dark no less, and not explode?” To that he just smiled.

“The same way I am bro, with your legs crossed and sitting on your hands.” I laughed and some of my tension ebbed.

“Ok, but only because I feel bad about you and Johnny.”

“Whatever works, my friend.” We turned back to them at approximately the same time that they turned to us and almost simultaneously suggested the same thing. We then switched places in line, me with Johnathan and Rick with Johnny.

I couldn’t hear them talking but if my conversation was any indication; Rick would be trying desperately to come up with neutral topics.

“What kind of snacks are you getting?” He looked a little sheepish but answered.

“We usually get the large popcorn and just pass it back and forth. It’s a little less than getting individual bags and we share some twizzlers or something with some sodas.” I saw that the line had moved up a little and when I motioned with my eyes that he should turn around he did but he didn’t move as I expected. As a result I moved forward and pushed into his backside. Both of us froze for a second and I groaned out a ‘sorry’ and he let out a stilted breath. I hoped that I hadn’t freaked him out or something.

We got our stuff; I don’t really remember how much it cost because I was too busy starring at him and trying not to let him know. I threw some money down and walked away. It must have been too much because the cashier almost chased me down behind the counter to give me my change. I really needed to get a grip.

We got into the theater and the lights were already off and the previews were on. Luckily not many people were there so we got some seats in the back. We sat in those where the arms let up and I gulped trying to remember that this wasn’t a date. I couldn’t let the arm up, snuggle him into my side and feed him one kernel at a time. Damn, I sure hoped Rick was having as hard a time as I was because this was torture.

***************************

I’d had an inkling that Johnny knew more about gay people than Jamie thought. In fact, I was pretty sure that he was gay too. I just could never see how to convince Jamie of this. He was too wrapped up in the situation to see the looks that Johnathan sent his way when no one was looking so he was even more oblivious to his brother.

Speaking of which, I had to really keep my hands in my pockets. Johnny had no idea that he was making me hard. He had this tendency to dance slightly to any music that was playing. Whether it be in a restaurant, mall, or like here. It was an unconscious gesture that always made me want to pull him to me and grind with him.

He turned around to talk to me and I had to jerk my gaze away from his ass. I blinked a couple of times to clear the lust from my gaze and looked at him. Wrong thing to do. I jammed my hands further into my pockets and hoped that I wouldn’t have a raging hard-on for the entire movie.

We got some snacks, what I’m still not sure and went to the theater. The movie hadn’t started and the lights were on. I’d hoped that it would already be dark but no such luck.

“Rick, why does Jamie want to see that movie? He hates Jerry Seinfeld.”

Aw shit I forgot that. I raced frantically to come up with a plausible reason when I popped up with. “Yeah, but he loves Renee Zelweger.” I saw him shrug and nod. I let out a breath and settled back into the seat.

Where we sat, the arm was already up so neither of us said anything about it. I was going to try and see if he was into me. Even if just a little. I already suspected that I had an ally in Johnathan, but I couldn’t push it. This was a delicately explosive situation that could go so wrong for all of us.

We sat the tub of popcorn between us so that we wouldn’t have to pass it. As the lights dimmed, I formulated my plan. Every time I saw that he was reaching his hand into the bucket i’d also get a handful. The first couple of times I felt more than heard his gasp. After a while he relaxed a little. We traded candy back and forth. I made sure that our hands brushed each time.

Each thing could be seen as accidental or innocent but if he was into me then it should have sparked his interest. I saw him shiver and I pulled off my jacket and leaned over to whisper in his ear, “You should always bring a jacket.” I wrapped my jacket around him and thought I heard him sigh. It wasn’t what I said but the fact that I whispered it in his ear was what I was trying to accomplish.

I loved the idea of him being wrapped up in my jacket. It was the closest i’d ever come to holding him thus far. I saw him jump at an exceptionally grueling scene and I reached over to squeeze his hand. He froze like a statue. Damn, I hoped that I wasn’t moving too fast.

I was giving him every sign I could think of but he just wouldn’t give an inch. I still didn’t know if he was into me or even guys for sure. It was driving me bonkers!

By the end of the movie I was harried and not sure that this had been a good idea. I’d either scared him off or made him disgustedly uncomfortable. I was mentally beating myself up when he handed me back my coat and I couldn’t believe my eyes! He had a large bulge in his pants that he’d tried hard to mask, but I glimpsed it in time. I could have wept I was so happy. Maybe he did like me.

We got up and I draped my jacket back over his shoulders, I wasn’t ready to let my fantasies subside. In my mind the date wasn’t over.

We walked out and Johnathan and Jamie were waiting for us. Both of them looked sad and dejected. Making both me and Johnny frown.

“What’s up guys? Was the movie that bad?” Each of them gave me a puzzled look, then looked at each other and answered in unison.

“No it was really funny,” they chorused in unison.

Something was definitely amiss but I suspected that neither would spill until we were with our respective best friends and out of earshot of each other.

Johnnie handed my jacket back and I fought the urge to smell it and see if his scent was on it. We each left and went our separate ways.

*********************************

“Well how’d it go?” I asked J. I was still feeling the warmth of Rick’s jacket but I couldn’t really dwell on it because something was wrong with my best friend.

“I’m such a dunkoff. I didn’t know what to say, or to do. I laughed at all the funny parts or at least when everybody else laughed but I couldn’t tell you what the damn movie was about. You know that’s not like me. What the hell is he going to think of me?”

“I don’t know bro, but at least you didn’t transfer your feelings onto him.” At his curious glance I went on.

“All through the damn movie I could have sworn he was flirting with me. Our hands kept meeting in the popcorn; he whispered in my ear, he gave me his freaking jacket when he thought I was cold. And the clincher, he squeezed my hand when I jumped at a really good action sequence. I was hard as a brick and jumpy as hell by the time the movie was over. All of that was innocent, I know it, but I can’t help wanting there to be more to it.” I sighed. We were some sad saps.

J was as morose as i’d ever seen him. It just wasn’t like him to be so quiet. I knew that there wasn’t really much I could tell him because that would be like the blind leading the blind. We were in the same situation but he seemed to take it more harshly that I did.

****************************

As we walked around the little strip mall that the theater was in I felt like kicking myself in the ass. Johnathan wasn’t gay, and I couldn’t stop myself from wanting him. That’s the mantra that ran through my head through the whole movie. He barely spoke to me, keeping his eyes glued to the screen.

I strained the hell out of my peripheral vision because I don’t think I took my eyes off him. Everything we did was stilted and disjointed. I knew now that he just put up with my company because of Johnny. That was a hard pill to swallow when I realized that he never really talked to me.

I knew it wasn’t because he was shy, hell he was the most vibrant and outlandish one of the pack. No, he just didn’t like me and didn’t want to talk to me. Oh to hell with it I sighed.

“Let it out bro, what’s eating you.” Rick had waited for me to speak up but when I didn’t I guess he just didn’t want to wait anymore. I told him what happened, every horrible moment. He stopped me and looked at me harshly.

I didn’t really want to hear any of his bullshit but he was still starring. “What?!” I jerked out.

“I’m trying to see how you got to where you are without everyone knowing how stupid you are.”

“Shut up dirtbag.” I pushed angrily past him but he latched an arm to my shoulder and spun me around.

“Tell me why you didn’t talk?” I knew he wouldn’t give up until I indulged him so I answered.

“Because I was nervous as shit and didn’t know what to say.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. I didn’t need to be reminded that Johnathan didn’t like me and wasn’t even gay.

“Then it should stand to reason that Johnathan was nervous too. You’ve never been alone together.”

“Yeah, but I’m the only person he doesn’t talk to. He clams the hell up whenever I try to talk to him. And how come you aren’t shaken up? You like Johnny and he isn’t gay either.”

He narrowed his eyes and held me from leaving. “That was low bro, and besides, unlike you, I think that both of them are gay and that Johnathan does like you. You just wont get it through your thick skull that it might be true. And you’re also wrong about me being shaken up. I’m damn near quivering because I see hope for us, for the future. There’s a chance that we might happen and I gotta tell you, I won’t pass it up if it comes.”

“What are you talking about?!” I almost yelled. My eyes were round with fear.

“What are you so afraid of? That Johnathan won’t like you, or is it that you don’t want your perfect little world rocked so you can be real?”

“You don’t understand. Johnathan is different… he’s special to me and the idea that he doesn’t want me is almost as tragic as my family’s rejection if they find out that i’m gay.”

He shook his head. “I understand bro, really I do. If anything, Johnny is as special to me as our friendship, but you’ve got to give a little. It’s not healthy that you’re basically living a lie for your family. If they truly love you then they’d accept you for who you are.”

“It’s not that simple and you know it.” I turned away from him walking away.

I heard him almost whisper, “It is if you’re in love.” I turned around to look at him. He just met me head on. We’d had similar conversations in the past but i’d never felt them as deeply as I did now. I just couldn’t put it all on the line. My family, some of my friends, and especially Johnathan. What would he think if he knew the truth? Rick just couldn’t understand that I could lose it all with one slip. It just wasn’t worth it… or was it? I didn’t even want to think of the flip side.”

We walked back to the car in silence, each of us lost in our thoughts.

***********************

I loved my friend Jamie, but he was an extreme blockhead. I didn’t know how strong fear as a motivation could be until I met him. I understood on some level, his timidity in telling the truth, but in my opinion the rewards far outweighed the risks.

The downside was that he might lose the love of his family. That was a biggie. He might also reveal to Johnathan that he was in love with him. Yeah, I know I said the ‘L’ word but we were fooling ourselves trying to deny what each of us felt for Johnny and Johnathan.

Maybe i’m overly optimistic but the up side could be that Johnathan finds out that Jamie is gay and they get it on, having hot monkey sex. Okay, maybe not, but at least they could have a shot at a relationship. Plus, Johnny would know the truth and I doubt that he would disown him. His parents were harder to judge. The familial strife is almost something that just goes along with coming out.

Jamie chose to think about this in the most negative way possible. He couldn’t see that keeping his true self a secret was getting him nowhere. If anything, it was just making him more frustrated. Plus where did that leave me?

At first I was fine with not doing anything about my attraction to Johnny. In part, because Jamie was dead set against me trying to pursue his ‘straight’ brother, and also because I knew that Johnny was special. I couldn’t see myself potentially busting up a lot of relationships over just an attraction. The longer I did nothing about it, the more I found myself thinking about and wanting him.

Now it wasn’t a matter of merely wanting him, I was beginning to need him; in my life, in my arms. And it wasn’t going away. The only thing, as far as I could see, that could dampen my enthusiasm was his rejection. It was one thing to get rejected because he wasn’t gay, which I could probably handle, but if I just wasn’t his type then that was another thing entirely. I’d never even find out if it were up to Jamie. I didn’t want to hurt him just to slake my interest, but this was different.

I felt torn between my loyalty to my best friend and my need to at least try with Johnny. I had a feeling that this could be it for me and passing that up was just no longer an option. I’d started to get an idea of how this could possibly work out without me doing too much damage to all of our relationships with each other. I just hoped that Jamie would at least hear me out. Even if he didn’t, then i’d get him the next time and then the next time. Like I said, doing nothing just wasn’t an option for me anymore.

On the way back to our apartment, I put my plan in motion.

“Jamie, I have a proposition, and I want you to just hear me out before you say anything.”

He looked weary, and he had good reason to be because I was about to lay into something that might change the dynamic of our friendship forever.

“I’m not going to like this, am I?” I shook my head in the negative and he sighed telling me to go ahead.

“I want to ask Johnny out.” At his bugging eyes, I was glad that I was driving. I quickly went on before he said anything else.

“I’m willing to lie to him and say that you aren’t gay, that you just are ok with me being gay. I’ll be flying solo on this. I won’t put you into this at all. If he doesn’t want me then I’ll back off both you and him. I won’t come around you when you guys are together, and i’ll stay away from family functions.”

“You’re willing to basically give up our friendship, just for a shot at my brother?” He asked incredulously. Until now, I don’t think he knew the severity of the situation for me. At my nod I went on.

“If he is ok with it, then you’ll know where you stand in terms of what he’ll think about you being gay.”

“This is going to blow up in our faces. No matter how you try to keep me out of it, he’s going to wonder why we’re such good friends; he’s going to think we’ve been together… that i’m in the closet.”

I tried not to frown at the irony of his statement. Tried, but failed. “Jamie, you are in the closet. Look, i’m going to keep coming to you until you come up with something that will suit us both, but I need you to know that I can’t give up. I need to be with him or at least try.”

His face went blank as we pulled up to our apartment. “I know i’m in the closet as far as my family and some friends go, but I don’t need him to think that I am. And why is this all of a sudden so important to you? You seemed fine to not push it a little while ago.”

“Because I love him dammit!–” I blew up at him. “–And i’m not afraid to go after my happiness full force. Jamie, no one is more qualified to make you happy than yourself. You’re wasting your life by not being true to yourself. I don’t want to waste mine. I’ve already spent too long not taking the reins because i’m your friend. It’s past that time now. I’m sorry; I just can’t share your solitude any longer.”

I walked into the house and was almost to my room when I heard, “I’m sorry i’ve been so selfish. I didn’t know that this would be so hard on you. I thought you just had a crush on him and that it would pass. Now I see that I was wrong. Just keep me out of it.”

I nodded. It was a start. I was hoping to bring him to a point where he wouldn’t be so bottled up but this was like threading lint; damn near impossible.

********************************

A couple of days after the movie, me and J were basically back to normal. School was a breeze, and life was ok. He’d seemed to have gotten over his disappointment and was back to his crazy self. That didn’t mean that I was any less worried about him. I knew that even though he had this crazy outer shell, he was even more fragile on the inside.

While I was able to shrug things off, he brooded over them for days, sometimes weeks. If you didn’t know him, then you’d never recognize that he does it, but being his friend gave me that advantage that I needed to really see him.

I knew that he was still thinking about what happened at the movies and I knew that he was sad over it. There was nothing that I could really do to cheer him up either, but it didn’t stop me from trying to figure something out.

I was starring at a textbook that I was supposed to be reading when my cell phone rang. I automatically thought that it was J and answered accordingly. I shot up out of my slouching position on my bed when I heard the voice on the other end.

He chuckled heartily and I was trying to breathe normally. “Um no, this is Rick, how are you?”

How was I, how was I, how was I? For the life of me I couldn’t formulate a sentence. “Aaaahhh what?”

“I said how are you?” He spoke a little louder this time. What was he doing calling me? He’d never called me before.

“I-I-I’m surprised, what’s up?” Yeah, that was about two steps up from gibberish, I was getting the hang of it.

“I just wanted to know if you wanted to hang out or something. You know, grab a couple beers, and watch a game or something. We never hang out unless it’s in a crowd, so I figured you’d like some down time.”

My jaw had been on a steady downward drop. Even after I couldn’t open my mouth any further, I felt the dropping in my stomach. The butterflies were almost making me nauseous.

“Why?!” I gasped out.

“Well, after the movie, I saw that we weren’t as comfortable around each other as we could be. I don’t want you to think I only hang around because of your brother. We should be good friends too.”

I was still having a hard time concentrating, but I felt like there was something that I was missing. Nevertheless, I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to be around the guy I fantasized about almost every night.

“Uh sure, that would be ok. When?”

“How about I pick you up in about an hour?”

“Sure, see you then.” I hung up and held the phone to me for a brief moment before I made a mad dash to the shower. I only had an hour.

What the hell do you wear to an informal outing with a guy you drool over on a daily basis, that doesn’t seem too risqué, but yet isn’t so far out of your normal zone that they know something is up? I couldn’t just put on jeans and a t-shirt, then he’d think I just rolled out of bed, or worse, that i’d been in bed with someone.

If I groomed my hair too much then he’d think I styled it thinking of his impression. Shit! I just opted for some jeans, a little on the tight side, but that’s how I liked them, and a turtleneck with some loafers. I put on some non-prescription glasses that made me look like I just stepped out of a lens crafter’s ad. I liked the look though. I just hoped that it wasn’t too much.

He pulled up, honking the horn. I had to remember not to run out to the car. I didn’t want to seem too eager. I attempted to saunter out to the car, but I managed to just barely not trip from my haste. He was wearing that same leather jacket that he’d been wearing at the movies and some light blue jeans with an Abercrombie t-shirt on.

How he managed to look put together, sexy, and classy at the same time from just wearing those things I don’t know, but it was working for me.

I got in and was immediately surrounded by his scent. He wore some spicy cologne, not too much, but it made me want to burry my nose in his neck nonetheless. I starred out the window but couldn’t help looking at him out the corner of my eye.

We pulled up to one of the many gay-friendly bars in the city and I wondered if it was a coincidence. He could not have even known. “This is a gay bar.” I blurted out before we got out of the car. I could have smacked myself.

His brows drew together. “No it isn’t. At least as far as I know, it isn’t. How do you know that?” Aw shit, this was going to the end of it for me. He was never going to talk to me again.

“I don’t know, I think the last time that me and J came here, somebody hit on us and that’s where I got it from. ”

He hesitated a little before speaking which I thought was a little odd. “Did it bother you? That someone hit on you? We could go somewhere else if you want to.”

I quickly said no. “It was whatever I guess. I’m not one to knock anyone for their type.” There, that seemed safe enough. I didn’t exactly bash, because that would be stupid, even if he didn’t know that I was gay, but I didn’t spill the beans about myself either.

We walked in and grabbed a bar table and ordered two beers. “So, what do you do in your spare time, Rick?” I said, and tried not to cringe at how corny I sounded.

“Really?… I write. You know: stories, plays, poems. I’m probably not any good, but it’s my stress reliever. What about you?”

“Well, it’s kind of embarrassing.” I felt my skin heat from my blush.

“Uh oh, spill. I wanna know now.” He laughed easily and I wondered if i’d ever be able to just let my guard down, all the way down. Oh well, I shook myself mentally and told him.

“I watch chick flicks. The weepier, the better. They express all of the emotions that I don’t let out myself so it just works for me. Plus, they make me laugh better than some comedies.”

I studied him under my lashes and saw that his face was really serious and the look in his eyes was one that I hadn’t seen before. I frowned thinking that he was thinking something negative. He took a long pull on his beer finishing it up and looked at me.

“I think that’s commendable, most guys wouldn’t admit something like that. I’ll admit, chick flicks aren’t really that bad.”

“Oh really? Would you watch one with me?” I was ribbing him a little, finally starting to loosen up.

“Of course I would. I’d watch anything you wanted to.” He sounded so firm that I was taken aback a little. I blinked and reminded myself to not read into things. Doing that would get me into a whole lot of trouble.

“I’d read your writing, and I promise not to tell you- you stink, even if you do.” He looked startled, even a little afraid. That confused me, but I just let it go.

“I don’t think you’d want to read what I write. It’s really personal. Sort of like a journal. You’d find out things that might scar your retinas if you read it.” He offered up a smile and I couldn’t help but wonder what he wrote about. I let my mind wander, thinking of the slim chance that I would be somewhere in those pages. I didn’t even realize that he was waving his hand in front of my face trying to get my attention. Such a nice hand too. Large and masculine, with long fingers, perfect for reaching that spot…

Oh shit, I was getting hard and blushing profusely.

He was laughing. “I’d like to know what brought on that blush. Man you’re beet red.” It only made me turn more red. I closed my eyes and tried to calm down. The night was going too well and I didn’t want to muck it up.

***********************

Man, the night was going great. I wasn’t pushing hard at all, well at least I was trying my damdest not to and Johnny was opening up a little to me. I was trying to keep my chest from swelling too much with emotion but it was hard to do with him sitting so close to me.

I kept reminding myself to take things slowly and not scare him off. I shouldn’t have told him that I write. The pages of my spiral notebooks were filled with odes and poems to him, about him, or with a character modeled after him. Recently i’d been writing about little else.

The chick flick thing threw me for a loop. If he was straight then shouldn’t he have said that it was a turn on to women or something? Instead, he’d just given me the answer without much elaboration. Damn, I didn’t know where to go next. I felt like I was right on the cusp of my answer but I didn’t want to push my hand and then spoil everything.

I ordered another beer and we kept talking about mundane things. I was just enjoying his company and before either of us knew it we were both sauced. Damn, I hope that I wasn’t going to spill my guts to him this way. I wanted to be romantic when I told him that I loved him. Shit, I needed to get away from him before I did or said something stupid.

I figured I wasn’t too drunk because I could still think enough to know that I needed to keep my mouth shut. He suggested that we take a cab back to his house and in the morning he could drive me back to my car. I readily agreed, but I knew that he lived with his parents and I really didn’t want to make a fool of myself in front of them either. Then I remembered that he lived in the apartment above the garage. I dreaded that almost as much because that would mean that I was drunk and we would be alone. I groaned in anguish and slumped over as I passed out.

*****************************

Oh my God! He passed out right into my lap! I wasn’t as drunk as he was so I was still fairly alert. His head was cradled at my crotch and it was a good thing that he was out cold because I was fighting a losing battle with my erection. I didn’t even try to fight my urge to run my fingers through his hair.

I almost moaned at the silkiness of it. Oddly he seemed to smile as I nestled my hand into his hair. He must have been dreaming of someone. The thought gave me an odd feeling in the center of my chest. One that I didn’t like one bit.

We got to my house and I hefted his large body out of the cab, paid the driver and made my way to my door without him helping me much. I all but threw him on the couch and went to get him some blankets. When I came back he was still sprawled out the way I threw him and I rolled my eyes as I realized that I couldn’t let him sleep in his clothes.

His shoes were fairly easy. I decided to leave his socks on. He still hadn’t budged. His jacket was hard because his shoulders were huge and didn’t want to cooperate and come out of the damned jacket! I was huffing and trembling by the time I got to his pants. I unbuckled them as fast as I could, closed my eyes and jerked them down as fast as I could. I quickly threw a blanket over him and straightened him out on the couch. I wanted to look so bad, but that might have been disastrous. I leaned over to tuck the blanket up near his shoulders when I heard him mumble. Actually is sounded like he was singing.

I turned my head so that I could hear him more clearly. “Love my baby, love me baby… come love, come love.” What the hell kind of song is that I thought as I listened. I felt him peck my cheek as I listened and I immediately straightened up. I knew he was locked in a drunken dream and I needed to get away from him.

Damn. Damn. Damn. Why did my first and probably only kiss from him have to be when he was passed out drunk? I was asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. Thankfully I didn’t dream.

I woke up because I felt someone starring at me. I rolled over with my pillow blocking my face from the sun and plopped my eyes open. Rick was starring at me with worry in his eyes. I yawned loudly and went to get up but remembered that I only had my boxers on. That wouldn’t do well if I started sporting wood.

“Jesus, you sleep a long time. I’m the one with the hangover and you’re still sleep. Did I… um say anything embarrassing last night?” I was puzzled at his extremely worried face and I decided to play with him a little.

“Well you did do something weird.” He visibly tensed up and his throat started working furiously. “You started singing the weirdest song that i’ve ever heard.” Then I relayed to him what he’d sang. He sagged with relief and I was still trying to muddle through that in my sleep fogged brain.

“You jerk, stop playing. It’s not really a song though. I don’t think i’ve ever said it out loud. It’s just something that I picked up and say in my head. It has a special meaning to me.”

He made his way to the kitchen to grab some juice so he could take some aspirin. It was odd that he seemed completely at ease in my house although he’d only been here a few times. I rushed to use the bathroom, throw on some shorts, and brush my teeth.

When I joined him in the kitchen he was just about to take a drink but he paused with his hand in mid air as I came in. “What did you think you were gonna say last night?” I noticed that he was starring at my chest. It couldn’t be. Was that lust that I saw flash in his eyes. I’m just dreaming I thought. I waited for him to answer my question.

He sat the glass down on the counter, hung his head, and just seemed to compose himself. Maybe he was feeling dizzy from his headache.

“You know how it is. Drinking makes you lose your inhibitions; say things you wouldn’t say otherwise. You might have found out things about me that you’re better off not knowing and that you probably didn’t want to know in the first place.”

Before I could think to buffer it I said, “I doubt that.” He looked at me and I knew he didn’t believe me. He frowned into the glass and then drained the rest of the contents.

“When can we go get my car?” His abrupt halt to the conversation caused me to blink. What the hell was wrong with him?

“We can go now if you want.” He looked like he wanted to say something but decided against it and just nodded. I went to throw on a shirt and some shoes.

*******************************

Ok, so putting my money where my mouth is was proving harder than I thought. Every time I thought that I could go ahead and make a move on Johnny, I freaked out and then chickened out. This wasn’t like pursuing a guy that I knew was gay. With that kind of guy, i’d be all over them and it would only be a matter of time before we hooked up. I was out of my league here and didn’t have a clue of what to do.

At least i’d made it through the night without lying to him. His brother hadn’t come up once and I was glad. The thing about me singing was a little shocking though. I mean, it’s true that it’s something that just runs through my head, but those are like the things that i’ve always wanted to say to him. I always say it in my head and try to think of his reaction. He didn’t seem to have a clue that it was about him so I was safe.

Damn, i’m just a big fucking chicken! Here I am telling Jamie that i’ll give up a friendship for a chance to be with Johnny and I can’t even make a move on him. Shit! Then again, I had to look like shit right now and smell like it too. So maybe right now wasn’t such a good time.

I felt my shoulders sag a bit and I asked him to take me back to my car. His look said that he was not at all pleased at the way I maneuvered the conversation. When we got back to the bar I went to reach back into my pocket for my keys but I realized that I didn’t have them. He reached into his pocket at the same time and we sort of mashed faces because neither one of us were paying attention. Our lips touched just for the briefest of seconds but it was enough to make me want more.

We jerked back and just starred at each other for a moment. My gaze lowered to his mouth and those lips that I really wanted to properly taste. Without knowing it, I was moving forward and capturing his slightly plump lips, this time for a right and proper kiss. I heard my keys fall from his grasp, which broke the spell. Both of our eyes went wide and he bent down too fast to try and retrieve my keys. He banged his head on the steering wheel and thrusted my keys at me trying to get me to leave whispering, “sorry, sorry, sorry” while trying to start his car back up.

He couldn’t quite turn the key because his hands were trembling too much but by then I had a huge grin on my face. For him to apologize to me meant that he thought he initiated the kiss. Which also meant that he probably wanted to kiss me.

I tapped him on the shoulder so that he would look at me. He flinched but looked anyway. “Why did you apologize Johnny?” His lips were trembling and his eyes were filling up with tears. Some escaped and he wiped them away only to have more spill over.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to. Please don’t be mad at me. Oh God what have I done?!” He leaned his bruised head against the steering wheel and started bawling. I guessed that he hadn’t noticed the stupid grin on my face.

I got out, raced around to his side and pulled him out of the car. He was trembling from fear of what I might do, sadness, and probably a lot of other stuff I didn’t know about.

I trapped him between me and his car and nuzzled my head in his neck while holding him to me. He’d gone rigid and I pulled back to look at him. Tears were still streaming down his face but he was eyeing me nonetheless.

Right now, words were my enemy. Anything that I said would require more and more explanation when I really just wanted to kiss him silly. I lowered my head and aggressively went at his mouth. I savored the feel and texture of him, feeling his velvety tongue as it battled with mine. I’d expected him to be unresponsive at first, but he was like a rocket shooting off. I loved it.

I rubbed his forehead where he was sure to have a bruise and couldn’t seem to let go of his mouth. I pressed more firmly into him and we groaned in unison as we felt each other’s erection. When I finally released his mouth we both sighed contently. “I guess i’ve got some explaining to do.” I told him as I kissed his forehead.

“I think we both do”, was his reply.

We drove back to his house, in our respective vehicles and I couldn’t help but belt out the tunes from my ipod. I was so fucking happy!

********************************

Dreams don’t normally come true do they? At least not in this capacity. I’d just been kissed by Rick. And i’m not talking some peck you give your grandma. Nope, it was that soul-searing, toe-curling, hair-raising, cum without touching yourself kind of kiss. In broad daylight no less! I had lots and lots of questions, but I also had lots and lots of pent up frustration where he was concerned and I didn’t know which one i’d be able to sate first: my curiosity or my desire.

We got back to my house in record time and we almost tripped over each other getting inside. As soon as he turned the lock, he was all over me and I was just as enthusiastic. “You’re not a virgin are you?” He all but growled and I shook my head telling him no. “Thank God.” Was all he said as he laved my throat and damn near tore my shirt off.

We could talk later. It was fine with me. He undressed me all the while shedding his clothes as well. I couldn’t feel enough places on his body quickly enough. With each of his movements, his muscles rippled a different way. It was fascinating. He leaned down to suck my nipple and then grabbed me by the hips and carried me into my room.

He deposited me on the bed and came down with me. I nestled my hands in his hair to draw his head up and I dove in for a kiss. I sucked on his tongue like it was a mini cock and I felt him start to hump into me. I could feel that he had a hefty bulge and I couldn’t wait to feel him in me.

As he kissed me and roamed all over my body with his hands I reached into my nightstand and got some condoms and some lube. I would have loved for him to just sheath himself, lube up, and ram my ass, but I also wanted to see him.

I wrapped my legs around him and flipped us over so that I was on top. I kissed my way down his torso and grabbed his shaft. He was nine inches and cut. I’d never had anyone as big, but I loved the challenge. I quickly began working his hard shaft into my mouth, drooling liberally onto him. He grunted harshly and tried to lift me off.

I mistook it for him wanting me to stop and I lifted up to look at him. He sat up and flipped me around so that my crotch was right in his face. He hungrily engulfed my seven inches and I gasped at the wonderful sensations that he was creating. I went back to work on his cock but I couldn’t concentrate worth a damn. He’d begun expertly working his finger into my ass and it was just twitching for something more substantial.

I could feel myself getting close and I tried to up my sucking but I was already too far gone. I was humping his mouth furiously and clenching the three fingers he now had buried up my ass. My muscles tightened throughout my whole body as I unloaded into his throat. I came screaming loudly, and pounding his mouth as hard as I could.

I collapsed but he didn’t give me any time to recover. He lifted me off him and captured my mouth, letting me taste myself. There was sweet nectar dripping from the tip of his cock and I reached out to lap it up but he stopped me. He put on a condom and laid me on my stomach.

He didn’t waste time with leisure. He went right for the sweet spot and nibbled fully at my bud. I’d started responding and was hard as a rock again. He pushed his tongue in and out so forcefully that it felt like a moist cock. I was moaning loudly humping back against his tongue.

He must have been lubing his cock and fingers because he leaned away and inserted the first two fingers of each hand into me. I arched up as these new sensations started to assail me. He started scissoring them in and out and I tried to get up on my knees so that I could fuck his fingers more securely but he wouldn’t let me move.

The tension was keeping me right on edge and he knew it. When I was wriggling enough to create a new dance he pulled his fingers out of me and rammed his cock home.

My scream was both from pain and intense pleasure. He stopped to let me adjust but then he wouldn’t move at all. I took it upon myself ad started fucking his cock with short pushes backwards. This seemed to excite him too much and he grabbed my hips to stop me from moving.

He laid out fully on me and I felt him push even deeper into my ass canal. I felt like he was completely surrounding and fulfilling me. He hooked his arms around my chest and started humping into me. This made the act seem much more intimate. I could feel his ragged breathing and I shivered each time he flicked his tongue over some part of my neck or ear. He pounded me furiously and surely, never missing a beat or stride.

I needed to cum again, I was near bursting. With my cock being mashed into the covers, I was almost humping the bed trying to get release. I felt his hand slide down to massage my cock with his palm. That was all I needed as I went over the edge again. He kept stroking my insides, almost in a trance. He still hadn’t cum and I was just enjoying the royal fucking I was getting. My thoughts were centered around the sensations coursing through my body but especially in my ass.

He pounded my ass past the point of submission. I stopped trying to best him. All I could do was accept the superior fucking he was giving me. The heat that we were generating was like a cocoon for us and it enshrouded us until we were in our own world. He finally came in a strangled cry. He kept whispering my name over and over and he pulsated in the aftershocks of his orgasm.

He rolled off me, my ass making a noisy sucking motion when his cock dislodged from me. I popped up on my elbow and slowly removed the condom. I turned it upside down and let the contents run into my mouth. I then cleaned up his softening piece.

We both fell back huffing and we starred at the ceiling.

“Wow”, was all he said. All I could do was shake my head in agreement.

“So… does this mean you’ll go out with me?” I chuckled tiredly at his question.

“Of course.” I replied without hesitation. “What are we going to do about my brother?”

I heard his forlorn sigh and I turned to pull myself into his side.

“Look, I don’t want to lie to you about anything to do with Jamie. He doesn’t have a problem with me being gay, but he never thought that you were so I don’t know. I know that he loves you, so I don’t think it’ll be a problem.”

“So, he’s not gay? Damn.” He turned to kiss my temple.

“Why do you say it like that?” He chuckled a little. “You want us to be like the gay version of Friends or something?”

“Or something. Let’s just say that i’m not the only one who keeps secrets. I don’t want to put too much information out there but I know a special guy who would have loved it if he was gay.”

“Oh” was all he said.

********************************

Aw shit, now what was I supposed to do? I’d done what Jamie asked and successfully lied to his brother about him being gay, but now Johnathan would think he was straight too. I couldn’t let that happen because he and Johnathan were made for each other, especially now that it was confirmed that he liked Jamie.

I was just going to have to betray that trust and hope everything worked out in the end.

I sat up and brought Johnny with me, still not believing how frantically we’d come together. “Baby, are you saying you’ll go out with me as in dating, or do you want a relationship? I mean, are we in this together, as in like a couple?”

“You’re nervous.” He giggled, and I snuggled him closer to me.

“Yeah, so what, now answer the question.” He turned to kiss my Adam’s apple and I had to stop him from continuing. I didn’t want to get worked up again until we’d hashed a few things out.

“I’ve wanted you for a long time, and i’m only beginning to explore the depths to which we can go. So, yeah, i’d say that makes us a couple, since that seems to be ok with you.”

“Oh it’s more than ok with me.” I bent my head to capture his mouth and I feasted hungrily. I pulled back so that we could finish our conversation.

“Ok, well then i’m going to be totally honest with you. I don’t know what this will do to my friendship with Jamie, but i’m willing to risk it.” So, I told him everything, well everything except the fantasies that Jamie’d had about Johnathan. I had to leave him something.

I kept kissing Johnny to try and combat the shock he must be feeling but his mouth was still hanging open.

“So all this time, we all didn’t know about each other? This is fucking unreal. If it were up to us , we never would have found out. ” He kept mouthing ‘thank you’ as he kissed me and held me to him.

I was beginning to reel a bit from his kisses so when he stopped abruptly I had to blink a couple of times to bring him back in focus.

“What are we gonna do about them? Jamie, while he might admit that he’s gay, he’ll never cop to having feelings for Johnathan. He’d be too afraid of the rejection. He’d only go for it if he was sure that Johnathan was a sure thing. That would be fine except that it isn’t fair to Johnathan. Underneath that lively exterior, he’s really a bit shy , especially when it comes to Jamie.”

“Baby what I think we should do is to get them to admit that they’re gay, so we can have that out in the open. Then we should show them what they’re missing. You know, a loving relationship. They are bound to break at some point. We just have to make sure that they are alone when it happens.”

He smiled fully at me. “Loving huh?” At my blush he laughed. “Sure, I think I can handle that. We just have to make sure that we tell them we’re together at the same time so that we don’t run the risk of getting caught in this scheme. Now are we done talking?”

I thought about it and shook my head. “For now we are.”

“Good”, was how he replied and he definitely made me feel good as he stuffed my cavity full of his fat sausage. What he lacked in length he made up for in thickness.

I knew how helpless he felt when I laid out against him because he had my calves braced on his shoulders and my body was almost bent in half. my cock was stuck between our rubbing bellies and the friction that it created was incredible.

I grunted and yelled, moaned and sighed, and finally came in rivulets that hit my face and neck, all the while he took my ass and claimed it as his. We fell into an exhausted sleep tangled in each other’s arms.

**************************

When I woke up in a tangle of arms and limbs I could only smile as the events that led up to now invaded my memory. I loved that my dream was finally coming true. The only thing that could have made this time even more special is if he’d said that he loved me. I knew that it was far too soon for that though, at least for him it was.

I untangled myself from Rick and went to take a shower. I was singing off key and soaping my face when I felt a gust of wind chill me. I knew it was Rick so I just kept washing myself. He got in on the action and eventually we were equally soapy. I cleaned his ass with my fingers, making sure to probe deep enough to make him moan and he returned the favor.

“Let’s invite them over tonight.” He said against my ear and I nodded not really caring what he said.

Something gave me pause, something that had been nagging at the edges of my mind but that I kept forgetting because he was distracting me. “How did you know I was gay?”

“I didn’t, at least not for sure, but I thought and hoped you were. I saw the way that Johnathan looked at Jamie and I knew that it didn’t bother you so that added to it. I wanted you to look at me like that but I never caught you. I was so into you that I just had to try something so the whole movie thing was to see if you might be interested.”

He was tracing lazy soap circles against my skin, and gently biting my shoulder. “I thought i’d blown it until I saw that you were hard at the movies. I didn’t plan on moving this fast. I was gonna ease into it but after the kiss I realized that you thought you’d initiated it and that settled it for me. I couldn’t let you get away from me.”

“You were going to seduce me?”

“Seduce, beg, plead, whatever it took for you to give us a chance. I just refused to believe that God would be cruel enough to make you straight.” I laughed at that and turned to embrace him, kissing him tenderly.

We got out and toweled each other off. He rummaged through my drawer and put on some of my cotton bowers. They hugged him so snugly that I thought they had to be extremely uncomfortable. He then put on one of my shirts that stretched across his chest making him look both comical and sexy.

“Why wont you just put your clothes back on or go home and change?” He started pouting and giving me big puppy dog eyes. As pitiful and ridiculous as he looked, I still found myself giving in to him.

“I like the idea of something of yours being this close to me. I can’t exactly walk around with you draped around me can I?” All that earned him was a raised eyebrow. “Aw c’mon baby, don’t you think I look sexy?” He then started flexing, stretching the material even more and making me shake my head at him and laugh.

“That’s what I wanted, that laugh. I love it when you laugh.” He’d come up to me to cradle my face in his hands. I beamed at him and we indulged in a long satisfying kiss. I quickly got dressed before we started up again and I called J while he talked to Jamie. We just said that we’d have a pizza night and to meet up in my apartment.

They arrived roughly ten minutes apart and we just watched TV until everyone got in and settled. We ordered the pizza and while we waited for it to arrive, both Rick and I stood up. It was the moment of truth.

“You guys,” I said. “We have something to tell you. I’ll go first.” I turned to Jamie and looked him straight in the eye. “I’m gay.” J just groaned and Jamie sat there in shock.

Rick was up next. “And I have something to say also. I’m gay too.” Now it was Jamie’s turn to roll his eyes and J’s turn to look shocked.

“And if that’s not the clincher, here it goes.” Rick and I looked at each other and smiled broadly as we spoke in unison. “We’re together.” We linked hands and tried not to laugh at the utterly disbelieving faces of our closest and best friends.

Rick kissed the back of my hand and my eyes sparkled with happiness. I pulled him to me and kissed him lightly. We heard two gasps as our lips met. We stood hugging each other, sort of lost in our own world.

J stood up. “Oh all right, i’m gay too. Can I get in on this hug fest? Not that I want to be in like a threesome or anything. By the way, congratulations you guys. All I can say is it’s about time.”

We laughed and hugged a while, letting the tension just roll off us. Jamie just sat looking like a stone figurine. He looked hard and bleak. He looked at us, all of us starring at him expectantly. He stood up and we all collectively held our breath.

He clapped me on the shoulder and said, “Just don’t tell mom and dad that they have two fags for sons… at least not yet.” I whooped for joy, hugging him tightly around the middle. Rick pulled us all into a tight embrace and we savored the feeling of a weight being lifted.

The pizza came and each of us ate ravenously as we relayed how we each came to know that we were gay. I sat next to and damn near on top of Rick as we talked and he didn’t seem to mind. Every time i’d try to move, he’d nestle me back against his side and keep talking as if nothing was happening.

Both J and Jamie were eyeing us with something akin to envy, happiness, and disgust. Like they were silently telling us to get a room. We couldn’t seem to keep our hands off each other. We sat with our arms looped or our fingers intertwined, and our thighs pressed against each other. I rested my head on his shoulder and kept trembling as I felt his voice rumble through his chest.

We talked for a little more and then the night started to wind down. J and Jamie both left us to our devices which was fine with us. After they left, we didn’t even make it to the bedroom as the need to become one again overcame us. By the time we finished, my shirt that he’d worn was torn. I had one sock on, his pants were still on one foot, and my underwear was torn at his crotch. It was even more frantic than the first times had been and it was just as special.

**************************************

Sometimes life throws you a curveball and sometimes it opens a pathway up for us to sail through. Today had been filled with both. It always amazed me that one person could be doing nothing with their day while a few miles away history is in the making.

There I was, just being bored at work, thinking about all that Rick had proposed, wondering how his ‘date’ with my brother had gone, and they were getting together and becoming a couple. I didn’t know that Rick would move so fast or that it would actually work out for that matter.

They already damn near looked like they were in love. Why couldn’t it be that easy for me? To just want someone and go after them like that. No, I had to be the one paralyzed with fear of rejection. I was trying my damndest not to think of the fact that Johnathan was gay.

That revelation was like a shot of adrenaline to my senses. My fantasies and libido went into overdrive. It didn’t help that Rick and Johnny were mooning over each other. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the fact that I was now open with my brother and friends. It just took away some of my steam to know that I was the only coward left in the bunch. There was like this huge block that I just couldn’t get past.

Even though I knew that Johnathan was gay, that didn’t mean he wanted me. Hell, he barely even looked at me or said two words the whole night. Granted, we both were shocked at Rick and Johnny. I just couldn’t be like Rick and put it all on the line for love… Wait, did I just say love? I groaned mentally and tried to shake my thoughts of Johnathan from my head.

I frowned noting that Rick hadn’t come back from Johnny’s place. I wondered how often i’d see him around now that he was wrapped up in Johnny. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for them. I couldn’t have been more pleased at the match. I just wished that it didn’t remind me of what I didn’t and probably never would have.

When Rick invited me over again, I was even more skeptical. Next they’d announce their engagement or something. How much more of this could I take? It was the weekend so at least I could get a little drunk. What started out as a few friends getting together turned into a ‘look at us we’re a couple’ party. Most of my friends were there, in support of Rick. Johnny and Johnathan’s friends were there as well.

Johnathan was the life of the party as far as I could see. He laughed and danced, not with anyone in particular, but basically to motivate people to have fun. I saw some guy whisper in his ear and I could see his blush even from across the room.

I frowned and finished my second beer. I had no claim to him. I had no right to be jealous of something that could be seen as harmless. I looked over to where Rick and Johnny were. Rick was standing against the wall with his legs spread. Johnny was nestled in between and they were talking and joking with some other people. They kept stealing glances and kisses. It was disgustingly cute. They were already devoted to each other.

My expression turned even more dour as I realized that the third beer was gone and I had to piss. I made my way to the bathroom and Johnathan came down the hallway giggling and looking like he’d just been thoroughly tousled. My anger welled up so quickly that it was hard for me to tamp it down. It got even harder to do when I realized that he was drunk. I thought someone had taken advantage of him.

“Hiya Jamsie.” He gurgled and then giggled while hiccupping.

I moved him out of the way but before I could go past him he said, “You hate me don’t you?” He looked so dejected that I thought he was going to cry.

“No of course not, why would I hate you?” He tried to shrug but only managed to damn near smash his face into the wall as he almost fell. I caught him by grabbing him with both arms. I tried not to think of who I was holding and how it felt.

Tried and lost the battle as he started cooing in my ear. “Ooooohhhh thish ish soooooo nice. Kiss me please.” I balked at him. Surely he wasn’t serious. But with his head tilted up towards me and his lips looking so… so… kissed? As in already been done. I frowned.

“What were you doing before now?” He squinted long and hard trying to remember.

“Shhh-pin the bottle. Great game, some great kissers too. I wanted the bottle to land on you but you don’t play, so kissh me now.” He threw his arms around me and plastered my lips against his. Aw damn, I was hoping to avoid this.

I knew that if I was ever tempted like this it would almost be too much for me to take. I tried not to react. I tried to stay mad at the fact that I was just one in a line of guys that had kissed him but I couldn’t. I gave up and invaded his mouth, holding him captive until I’d taken my fill. He pulled back, giggled, hiccupped and then went and got another drink.

I forgot that I had to piss for almost an hour while I tried to get my hard-on under control. Damn him, he didn’t even want me. I sat down and tried not to let it affect me.

As the party started to break up Rick and Johnny came over to where I was sitting. It just so happened that Johnathan was damn near passed out next to me. Johnny looked at Johnathan and shook his head worriedly. He turned to Rick saying, “There’s something wrong with J. He never drinks that much. Hell I don’t even remember the last time he was drunk.”

Rick smoothed his worry lines by massaging his temples. “He’ll be alright. We’ll all stay here tonight and we’ll make sure he’s ok in the morning. Come on babe, let’s get some blankets.”

I snorted. It hadn’t occurred to them that I was in the room and therefore worthy of an opinion. They damn near elected me caretaker of the drunk and passed out. I didn’t even point out that there was only one couch. Even though I wasn’t really drunk, I was too buzzed to drive home so I was stuck anyways. They came back with the blankets and Johnny stopped to stare at Johnathan.

Rick looped his arm around Johnny’s chest, whispered something in his ear that made him blush and smile like an idiot. He shook his head and they walked hand in hand back to the bedroom. I heard their muffled moans almost immediately. Dammit! I really didn’t need this shit.

Johnathan moaned and tried to sit up. When he couldn’t quite manage that he just slumped over on his side. He cracked an eye open to look at me. “Coward”, was all I heard.

“Excuse me? Who’s a Coward?” He struggled once again to sit up and this time he succeeded.

“You, Jamsie, you’re a big fat coward. I see how you look at me, but you’re too much of a pussy to do anything about it.”

He was drunk. It had been my mantra all night since the kiss. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, yeah? Why did you stare at me all night but didn’t say one word to me until I spoke to you in the hallway?”

“How could you possibly know if I was starring at you? And I do not stare.” I was digging myself deeper and deeper into the hole. He knew I was lying, even as drunk as he was.

“You do too. You want me but you don’t want to want me. Well, you know what? Fine, I don’t care anymore. I’m tired of it. I waited alllllllll that time to find out that you’re gay, but then you turn out to be a fucking pansy who can’t see what’s right in front of you. Take your fear and your uncer…uncertanly, no un-cer-tain-ty, and your bull shit and go to hell.”

And with that he puked all over me and passed out for good.

I sighed and went to clean up. I took off my shirt and pants, cleaned up the little on the couch, and made sure that there wasn’t any on Johnathan.

I was such an idiot. Not only did I let the opportunity to be with him pass me by, now he really didn’t want me and it was all my fault. Rick told me countless times that Johnathan was into me but did I believe him? Hell no.

I needed to talk to Rick. This whole living free thing was new to me. I needed help and I needed a plan. I had to convince Johnathan to at least go out with me and to forgive me for being such an ass. This was going to be an uphill battle. Johnathan was already so mad at me.

I took off his shirt and noticed that there was only enough blankets for us if we laid together. I groaned as I positioned Johnathan on top of me on the couch. I’d probably be up before him anyway so it wouldn’t matter. I wrapped my arms around him and smiled for maybe the first time that night. I spoke to him against his forehead even though I knew he couldn’t hear me.

“I’m so sorry I was such an idiot. It’s just that for so long I wanted you and I couldn’t have you. It’s hard to switch reels. Plus, I don’t see why you would want me anyway. I’m such a stick in the mud and you’re so different. I’m so afraid because I already love you. You can’t compete with that. If you rejected me it would break my heart and I’m just not strong enough to go through that. I’ll try, I really will, I just need some time, just some time to figure it out.”

I talked to his sleeping form until I fell asleep.

I woke up hearing whispering. I’d turned to my side and Johnathan was between me and the back of the couch. He was still sleep and I was glad.

“Do you think they did anything?” I heard Johnny whisper to Rick.

“If we know Jamie, then no they didn’t.” To which I heard chuckling.

“Yeah, but they’re so perfect for each other. I just hope Jamie realizes it in time. J is so sad sometimes it breaks my heart.” I felt my insides sag as I heard their conversation. “I want them to be happy like us.”

I heard kissing and then Rick replied, “You can’t force them. As much as I want that too, it’s ultimately up to them. We’ve already interfered too much, now it’s up to fate. Plus, I don’t need you worrying over it too much, then i’ll worry because I can’t make you happy.”

Johnny sighed, “I couldn’t be unhappy, as long as you’re with me.” They walked into the kitchen and I couldn’t hear anything anymore.

I got up with a heavy heart and went to the kitchen. Johnny was sitting on the counter with Rick between his legs. They were lip-locked and oblivious to my presence. I coughed and they both jumped. Rick wrapped his arms around Johnny in a protective gesture as they both glowered at me.

“You sneak! You were awake through our whole conversation!” Rick motioned at me.

I smiled and nodded, but then my smile faded. “I need you guys’ help. I’m in trouble.” I told them what happened the night before and Rick called me an idiot while Johnny called me a jerk.

“Hey, Rick you’re supposed to be my friend, and Johnny you’re my brother, where’s the love? I know that i’m wrong, but damn, cut me some slack.”

Johnny started in on me first. “You get nothing from me. Don’t think I don’t know that Rick tried to talk you into coming out and you refused. Because of you we lost precious time that we could have been together.” He humphed and hugged Rick closer to him.

Rick seemed at least a little apologetic. “Sorry bro, we don’t have any secrets so I had to tell him. As far as Johnathan goes, I think you know more about him and how to fix this than you realize. Look into your heart to find the answer. Hell, just open your eyes for once and don’t be afraid to face your future head on.”

I looked from him to Johnny, who still seemed miffed and Johnny pointed to Rick. “What he said.” Good lord, they were already an old married couple. I shook my head and walked out.

Johnathan was still knocked out so I just studied him for a while. His eye make-up was smeared. His dyed red hair was standing on end, and not in a stylish way. His mouth was partially open and he was snoring slightly. I found myself smiling at him, hoping that some day I would be waking up next to him under different circumstances. I lightly kissed his cheek, got some clean clothes from my brother and went home to plan.

Each time that I saw Johnathan after that night I did noticed that he was indeed becoming more withdrawn. He still wouldn’t talk to me so that was nothing new, but he didn’t seem to notice too much else either. Rick and Johnny were planning another party, this time at our apartment and the four of us were supposed to get together for ideas on the theme and food.

I came in from work and looked around. I pulled my brother to the side and asked, “Where’s Johnathan?” He rolled his eyes at me. Since getting with Rick and coming out, Johnny’d become much more assertive and much less likely to let things slide. This was no exception.

“Jesus, sometimes I swear, I was adopted. You dunce, he right over there. ” I followed his nod and I couldn’t stop my eyes from bugging out of my head.

Johnathan was not the same Johnathan. Gone were the chains and black. His hair was his natural honey blond. He had no black make-up, no black nail polish. He wasn’t wearing any collars or black lipstick. He didn’t even have any gel in his hair. He looked completely different.

“Why… why would he do that?” Johnny cocked his head to the side, his eyes flashing in anger.

“Why do you think? Make a move or let him go. I don’t like how you’re hurting him. I don’t care that you’re my brother. You’re being a major jackass.”

“What are you talking about, I haven’t done anything to him. I can’t possibly be hurting him.”

He looked at me in exasperation. “He sees how you look at him, how you stare at him, hell everybody can see it, but you haven’t done a damn thing about it. It’s enough to make anybody crazy! How do you think he feels knowing that you want him, but not enough to do anything about it? Hhmmm? Not very fucking good, that’s how.”

Rick saw that Johnny was agitated and came over. “What did you say to him Jamie?”

Everybody was fucking turning against me. What the fuck?! “Me?! He’s the one balling me out.” Rick visibly relaxed.

“Oh, well have at it baby, he needs it.” He kissed Johnny and walked away. I was still starring open-mouthed at him.

“You’ve all turned on me.” Johnny rolled his eyes at me.

“Nobody’s turned on you. It’s just that we don’t get it. We understand to some extent, your fear, and all of that, but we don’t understand your cowardice, especially when there’s no reason for it. What are you torturing yourself and J for? We don’t know and the bad part about it is that we’re not sure that you do either.”

Well, it was finally happening. I was losing my friends and my family. I just didn’t expect it to be in this capacity. If I kept this up I wouldn’t have any friends. Oh well, I had nothing to lose now, might as well give up my dignity too.

I stormed over to where Johnathan was and stared down at him. He starred back with irritation in his gaze. Everyone in the room seemed to become suspended in suspense. I shook my head, not willing them to be privy to my downfall.

I grabbed Johnathan’s hand and stood him up. I then proceeded to lift him over my shoulder and carry him out. I figured with his arms on my back he couldn’t do too much damage, but he kept pinching the hell out of my sides while yelling at me. I walked him to the backyard and sat him down.

“Well, at least you’re talking to me finally.” I could tell that he wanted to curse me out but my comment made him clam up and glare at me. I just watched him until he broke, trying not to smile.

“What are you talking about?” He said through clenched teeth.

“You don’t talk to me. You shut up like a clam whenever I come around, except when you’re drunk. Then you’re a bit chatty. ” I smiled almost wistfully at the memory of the longest conversation we’d ever had. But then I frowned. “What’s with the look Johnathan?”

His anger seemed to be growing by the minute and I had to admit that it was kinda hot. “You hoist me over your shoulder to ask me that?! Of all the things you could say to me, it’s that. Well, I guess it finally got you to notice me, if nothing else.”

“I always noticed you, I hope you didn’t do it because of that.”

He started yelling then,” It didn’t have anything to do with you! Aw shit, I don’t wanna lie like you, it did have to do with you, but not directly.”

“Why do you think I lie? And what do you mean?” I stuffed my hands into my pocket trying not to touch him.

“Look, everyone except the right one wanted me with that look, and it was just getting to me so I guess I grew out of it. I’m ready to try something new, for someone new. As for why you lie, well you can’t value the truth because you never face it so it would stand to reason that you like the lie.”

“I’m trying, I have been for weeks, I just don’t know how to go about correcting the mistakes i’ve made.” He seemed completely unphased by what i’d said.

“You could start by telling the truth.”

“I love you.”

“What?!” He stepped away from me as if i’d slapped him.

“I… Love… You. That’s my truth. How could I have faced your rejection when I was already so far gone?”

“You’re facing it now.” he said as he leered at me. I sucked I a breath as I tried to brace my heart against his words. “And besides, why would I reject you, especially after finding out you were gay? All you had to do was ask me out.”

I shook my head. “You just don’t get it. Why would someone as vibrant and lively as you want such a stick in the mud like me? I never thought you’d accept, even knowing you were gay. Then by the time I got it through my head that you did like me or that you might, I messed up and you told me you didn’t want me anymore. I was trying to figure out how to fix it, but I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t do anything.”

Before I knew anything I felt a sharp jab to my gut and I doubled over. “I am so fucking pissed off at you right now. Did it ever occur to you that you could just talk to me?”

I heard Johnny in the background, “Yoo-hoo J! Give him hell. Hit him again!”

Johnathan stomped his foot and looked up to Johnny’s window. “Shut the fuck up Johnny! Don’t think i’m not pissed at you too. And close the fucking window, this is a private conversation!” I heard the window slide shut and I had to smile.

“They told me you were shy.”

“I am you idiot, but this has gone so far past that it’s ridiculous. Plus i’m so pissed my teeth itch. It makes it worse that you didn’t think this little ‘talk’ was for anything either. You were going to let me go, weren’t you? Just walk out of your life, just like that.”

“What else am I supposed to do? I don’t want you to be unhappy. Plus, you changed your whole appearance so you could attract someone else. I know you don’t want me so you tell me what i’m supposed to do.”

“Want me enough to fight for me.” All of the anger seemed to seep out of him as the sadness creep into his face. “I thought if I was more buttoned down and serious then maybe you’d finally want me enough to say something. You didn’t though. I don’t believe that you love me. You couldn’t if you can’t even ask me out once. Not even once.”

He started walking away and I felt my life slipping away from me. He was taking it with him. I called out to him. “Have dinner with me.” To which he replied, “No”.

“Ok, then have lunch with me.” He turned around and looked at me. “No”

“What about breakfast?” He shook his head in the negative. He had to agree to something.

“Brunch, we can do brunch.” He shook his head again. “Let’s have pie and ice-cream, or if you don’t like that cake, or pastries.” I got the same answer.

“I’ll buy you a soda, let’s get some water.” Still the same. I blew out a breath.

“Why not? Come on, you’ve got to want something. What is it? If I can get it, will you allow me to share it with you?”

He was still shaking his head and tears had gathered on his lashes. “All I ever wanted was you. All you had to say was ‘take me’ and I would have.” He looked at me fully. “But you blew it.”

I pulled him to me I held him, not caring that he was as stiff as a board. “I know I blew it, I’m an idiot, i’m insecure, and i’m scared to death of loving you, but I do and I’m going to fight. Myself and you if I have to.”

“You really mean that?” He started to loosen up a little. He leaned back and looked at me. I could see indecision, worry, and a host of other emotions in his face.

“Yeah, I do. I really do.” I bent my head to kiss him. This time he wasn’t drunk, I wasn’t frustrated, we were just lovers. It was wonderful, sensual, light, airy. He tasted like bottled spring, fresh and pure.

“Hey if you two don’t get off the grass, the sprinkler’s are gonna get you!” It was my dad yelling at us from the driveway. We ran off the grass just as the sprinklers came on.

He looked at me with worry. “You know you just came out to your dad don’t you?” I thought about it, shocked to not feel as bad about it as I thought I would. I felt sort of calm and empty, like a dam full of water had been emptied.

I shrugged, I actually shrugged and pulled him to me again. “With the way I feel about you it was bound to happen sooner or later.” I kissed him again, trying not to get too ahead of myself.

I heard someone clearing their throat and I turned to see my dad standing with his arms crossed. “What have I told you about the lawn? Stay off the damn lawn, especially when it’s about to be watered.” He bellowed at me and I was starring at him in utter amazement.

“Yes sir”. Was all I could muster. I still had a grip on Johnathan’s hand and I looked down at it and then back at my dad.

“I’m gay dad.” He unfolded his arms, cupped me on the back and sorta shook my shoulder.

“Well I could see that.” He leaned in close so that he was whispering in my ear. “Just between us, he’s prettier than that Johnathan you’re always mooning over.”

I squeezed Johnathan’s hand. “Dad, this is Johnathan.” He looked over and peered for a while and then recognition lit his features.

“Well wweeelllll, ok, in that case then son, you better not hurt him. That goes for you too Johnathan.”

To which he replied, “Sure thing Mr. Cahill.”

My dad walked away muttering to himself. He was grumbling about the lawn and the color of Johnathan’s hair.

A few tears had fallen from my eyes, I was just too overwhelmed. Johnathan wiped them away and smiled at me. “Well, was that so bad?”

“I- I-I just can’t believe this! Please just hold me, let me know this is real.”

“Oh it’s real Jamsie, the real deal.”

I hugged him tightly, loving the smell of his hair.

We went back up to the apartment to find Rick and Johnny fucking away. They weren’t even in the bedroom. Johnny had Rick bent over the table and was pumping him for all he was worth. It barely registered that someone was in the room. They each waved us away.

“Go somewhere else, anywhere, and leave us alone.” Johnny said without stopping.

Rick countered with, “No stay, Johnny likes to be an exhibitionist. His dick’s been twitching since you came in.”

“Shut up jerk, it isn’t twitching because of them, it’s twitching because you’re doing that. AAAhhhh. Ooohhh. Do that again.”

Johnathan and I looked at each other and we quickly and eagerly took the bedroom. They really didn’t care what we did anyway. It was crazy how free they were with each other. I asked Johnathan if he had his stuff, like his goth stuff and he told me that he’d left some of it in Johnny’s bathroom. He came back with an armful of stuff.

“That’s some of it?”

He laughed and nodded. “What about your hair? Can we dye that now?”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want you to change for anyone, even me.” He smiled shyly at me and that was all I needed.

While he was doing his hair, I was reading all the instructions for his stuff. Half of it was already open, so I didn’t even know what it did. I’d seen my sisters use some of it so I roughly knew how it was supposed to be applied. He came out of the bathroom toweling his hair dry. He’d taken off his shirt and I ran my fingertips along his skin.

We sat cross legged on the bed and faced each other. I’d spread all of the stuff around and looked at him expectantly. He told me what each thing was and I nodded trying to take it all in.

“Can I put it on you? Or at least try to.”

“Of course you can, just be careful.”

By the time i’d painted his nails black and put his collar and some of his chains on, we both were giggled out. I couldn’t help it. I loved playing with him. He’d even painted one of my nails and he teased me because his looked like he’d clawed brick.

When I got to his eyes I laughed at how the conversation must have sounded outside the room. I went to put on the liquid eyeliner first.

“Careful with that or you’ll poke me in the eye. Why don’t you just let me do it?”

“Because this is a first for me and I want to savor the moment. Now lean forward so I can get at you better.”

“Oh all right but… hey! You got it in my eye! Oh my God that burns. Get it out! Get it out! Just blow on it for Christ sake! OOOohhhh that feels better, much better. But now it’s all over me. Oh, just get some tissue, we’ll start over.”

When I was sure he was all right I fell back laughing. He asked me what was funny and I told him how we sounded and he stretched out on top of me laughing too.

The door burst open and both Rick and Johnny crowded into the doorway. They looked shocked at what they saw.

Rick rolled his eyes and Johnny giggled. “I told you they weren’t having sex.” Johnny said as he patted Ricks shoulder.

“Oh whatever, you know how it sounded.” Rick grumbled and all of us started laughing.

Johnny looked at Johnathan’s make-up and just smiled even more widely. “J you look like hell. You look like you have a black eye, and I haven’t seen your nails look that bad since you first learned how to paint them.”

Johnathan shook his head and laughed. “Yeah I know, but blame the master here. He’s trying to re-gothify me. Isn’t he sweet.” He giggled and gave me a light pack on the cheek. Both Rick and Johnny groaned good naturedly.

Rick pointed at himself, “I’m staying here, you two can have the house, just don’t fuck in my bed.”

I puzzled over that statement. “Why would we… oh my god you didn’t!”

Both Johnny and Rick went beet red and started whistling. Rick grabbed Johnny nuzzling into his neck. “You saw how we are bro. One minute we’re cool and the next, we’re ripping each other’s clothes off. You know how the layout is. We were past the bathroom but before my room. It was either your bed or the tile in the hallway. At least we washed your sheets.”

I remembered that. “Hey you said that you were looking for something and you spilled something on my bed.” They both were laughing by now.

Johnny spoke up next. “We did spill something, and we were looking for something more comfortable than the floor.” I threw a pillow at them and looked at Johnathan. His shoulders were shaking from laughter and I relaxed. At least he wasn’t disturbed by anything.

“Don’t you think we should get them back for that?”

I hoped he knew what he was asking. “Are you sure? You aren’t just talking about a prank? You’re talking about us making love? For real?”

He kept nodding his head. “But don’t you want me to like take you out first, go on a date or something?”

“Nope, I just want you, right now, right here.” I was getting a little panicked. He was kissing my neck and lovingly caressing my chest.

“But it’s gotta be romantic, and perfect. I have to plan and make sure that i’m showered and fresh. I have to put on music and maybe cook for you.”

He shook his head at me. “Nope Jamsie, I don’t need all of that. It’s perfect as long as it’s with you.”

“Man why am I even fighting this?” I let him take off my shirt. We slowly traced over each other’s chest. I was still trying to catch my breath.

He unbuckled my pants and massaged me through my boxers. We kissed softly as I wriggled out of my pants. He was still on top of me and when he laid out flat against me I went to flip us over until I felt him damn near grind into my erection. I stopped cold to figure out what he was doing. He was shimmying out of his pants. That was all and yet I felt heat spread throughout my body.

He moved down my body to scrutinize my package. I’m about eight inches with a nice enough girth that nobody ever complained. He started gingerly licking the underside of me, making me squirm and itch with the need for more.

He began moving downwards, engulfing more and more of me into his mouth with each downward thrust. He got most of it in but I didn’t want his to choke so I kept pulling back when I thought he was uncomfortable.

My fingers itched to probe his depths but I couldn’t move or lift a finger. He reached into Johnny’s bedside table and pulled out some lube and condoms. He got up on his knees and I got my first glimpse of his schlong. He had to be at least ten inches. My mouth started to water and my ass was twitching in excitement and fear.

“Am I fucking you or are you fucking me?” I waved my hand.

“I don’t care.” He growled in reply and swung around so that his ass was to the side of my face.

“Open me up.” He said. My soul was singing I was so happy. I sat up and started lapping at his little winking bud. I coated my fingers and started probing him. I was as gentle as I could be, not knowing how much experience he’d had, but also because I just loved finger fucking an ass.

“Ooohhh your hands feel so good. If you don’t stop i’m going to cum.” That was music to my ears. I leaned down and turned my head so I could suck on his piece. I realized that he was long enough to pull him towards his hole.

It was more comfortable like that and I soon had a good rhythm going. I lovingly stroked his prostate while sucking on the head of his large cock. He’d been leaking profusely and I drank down his fluids and coaxed more from him as he neared his orgasm. I stroked his long tool and the triple sensation must have been enough to send him over the edge. He shuddered for long moments and then fell forward with my fingers still in his ass.

As I withdrew, he whimpered a bit. I put a condom on and generously coated myself with lube. I slowly pushed in and didn’t stop until I was completely embedded in him. I started with slow short jabs that had me moaning and him sighing. I worked my cock until I was sliding ass the way out and then all the way back in.

Each time I sank into him he sighed happily which just made me all the more horny. Hearing his sweet voice mewling in pleasure was like a great dessert after a five star meal. Once he’d recovered fully from his orgasm he started thrusting back onto my cock. He told me to lay on my back and I was only too happy to oblige.

I kept myself embedded in him and flipped us so that he was lying on top of me with my cock still in his ass. He braced himself on his arms and began riding my cock. This gave me a different sensation and better access to his now raging hard-on. I stroked him and pinched his nipples while moaning in his ear.

I don’t know about you, but hearing someone moan in my ear always sends me off. Just thinking about it had me humping up furiously into him and biting his shoulder trying to stave off my orgasm. I heard him cry out for a second time as thick ropes of white steamy cum poured out of his cock. It sent me over the edge as I came while buried deep inside of him.

Johnathan plopped on top of me, with both of us breathing haggardly.

“Now that was fucking!” I heard Rick say from the door. “No sweetheart, that was making love.” Johnny countered.

“Whatever it was i’m horny again. What do you say we kick them out of the bed so we can try the position they’re in. We haven’t done it in… oh… a couple of days.”

“Come on you peeper. Let’s give them some privacy. We really didn’t watch you so don’t worry. Nice package by the way J.”

Rick sounding totally put out, “Hey, i’ll show you a package.” He grabbed Johnny around the middle and ground into him. Johnny just laughed and rolled his eyes leading him away from the door.

I rolled us over so that we were on our sides. We rested for a bit before disengaging and going to take a shower.

Johnathan had never once said that he loved me and oddly it didn’t feel as bad as I thought it would. At least he hadn’t rejected me completely. Which brought me to why he kept telling me no when I asked him out.

As we stood under the warm spray I asked him, “Why did you keep saying no to me?”

“Because I needed to know that I could reject you and you’d keep trying. No doesn’t always mean no. Plus, I didn’t want to think that you just asked me out because I said you should. You put me through hell, and I almost gave up hope that you’d come around. I couldn’t make it easy for you.”

“I’m so sorry that I acted like that. Now, looking at it, I can see that I was rather obvious in my affections. I’ll do anything to make it up to you. I’m sorry that i’m so insecure where you’re concerned. If it helps, I do worship the ground you walk on. I love you more than life itself.”

I couldn’t believe how easy it seemed to say these things now. Even if it was too soon for him to reciprocate, I still loved having him know how I felt.

He turned and linked his hands around my neck, kissing me soundly. “Oh you’ll definitely be making it up to me.” I got a little nervous at the vicious gleam in his eyes but I did say that i’d do anything.

*******************************

As I walked out of Rick’s bedroom I couldn’t believe my eyes.

“Baby get out here.” I bellowed. Every time I yelled at him like that, he always thought it was something wrong so he’d come running. It really was very sweet.

He barreled out of the bedroom into the living room and skidded to a stop beside me. His eyes bugged even farther than mines did. He whispered to me under his breath, “Tell me i’m not really seeing this.” He grabbed my hand and held onto me like a lifeline.

“Oh you are definitely seeing this, just like I am.” I replied.

We took in the two figures fully gothed out on the couch. My brother’s hair was gone! Well most of it. His head was shaved into a mow hawk. If that wasn’t shocking enough, it was blue! At least the mow hawk was. He was painted heavily with eyeliner and lipstick. All black of course, except a glint of silver.

“My goodness is that an ear-ring in your lip?” The silver glinted off his black lips in the center. His nails were painted. He had on all black, baggy black pants with black boots and an extremely tight black shirt.

He was grinning like and idiot while holding Johnathan’s hand who was positively glowing… if you could glow with that much black on. Perhaps he was beaming is a more accurate description.

“What’s the matter little brother, you don’t like it?”

I had to shake my head at the absurdity of his question. It wasn’t about whether or not I liked it. It was that he was my stodgy, stick up his ass, stiff of a brother and… and… I didn’t have words.

Rick spoke for me because I was too shocked to move, let alone speak. “Um, Johnathan, how did you pull this off?”

“Well, you see, Jamsie here is really sorry he was such an ass to me and he said that he would do anything to make it up to me. This is just part of what he’ll be doing.” Johnathan’s eyes sparkled and they kissed tenderly.

“The earring isn’t real Johnny, so don’t worry. The mow hawk is though. I do think I look good though. My make-up is excellent, if I do say so myself. Thanks to my love.”

I turned to Johnathan, blinking a couple of times to try and shake the shock off. “Don’t abuse his love. He really does love you. I doubted it at first because he’s such a blockhead but he does. I don’t know whether to congratulate you or be sorry for him because he’s wrapped around your finger.”

Johnathan laughed more joyfully than i’d heard him in a long time. “I know, isn’t it wonderful? It’s a good thing that I love him so much or…”

“What?!” Jamie exclaimed. He kissed Johnathan hard, pulled back and then kissed him again. “Say that again please. Oh my God, no don’t say anything. Oh my God I can’t breathe. No that’s wrong because i’m still talking. How come you never said anything? Well? Baby, say something!”

Johnathan was laughing as were Rick and I as we now embraced. “You told me not to say anything.”

Jamie looked totally flustered and a bit confused. “And you listened to me? The one time you’re supposed to ignore me you don’t. Since when do you ever listen to me?”

Johnathan kissed Jamie as he sat grumbling. “I do when it suits me. Now listen up. I’ve loved you for a very long time, but I had to know that you’d be ok with what I had to offer, even if it didn’t include love. I had to be sure that you’d step out on faith even without the certainty that I would ever return your love.”

“Well, Jesus give a guy a heart attack why don’t you.. Do we have to go out tonight? Can’t we go home, celebrate this momentous occasion?” Jamie asked expectantly.

“Oh no you don’t. Just because I love you doesn’t mean you can back out of our bargain.”

Rick and I had been sort of hanging back, letting them have their moment. It really was very sweet. But at the mention of a bargain we both perked up and looked at Johnathan.

He smiled and patted Jamie’s hand. “We’re going to a party. One where we made sure the vast majority of our friends would be at and we’re going together like this.”

Jamie whispered in a conspiratory way, “He doesn’t think I can handle it, but i’ll be ok as long as he doesn’t wander off. I found out that i’m extremely jealous when it comes to him.”

Johnathan smacked the side of his head and laughed.

I wasn’t sure that Jamie could handle it either but he’d already shocked the hell out of me. They left, two black clad masses ambling off together. I sighed at them, loving that they’d finally found happiness.

Rick and I laid out on the couch, him lying against the arm with me cradled between his legs. I stroked his arm as I contemplated how to go about asking him something.

“You do love me don’t you Rick?” I felt him tense up behind me, which immediately made me tense up. He turned me around so that I could lay on his chest and look up at him.

“Of course I do. How could you not know that?”

I shrugged and tried to keep the emotion from clogging my throat. “Because you’ve never said it. We’ve never said it.”

He stroked my back and smiled. “I didn’t think it needed to be said. As far as i’m concerned, we show each other everyday how we feel…Plus, part of me didn’t think you would be ready for that admission yet.”

“You knew that I loved you but you thought I was too afraid to say anything?”

“Hell yes, look how long it took your brother took to come around. I was afraid it ran in the family. I just counted my blessings that you were with me and promised myself i’d be patient.”

I loved the feeling of just being in his arms while we talked. It was intimate and special even though it was something simple.

“Since when have you been patient?” I heard and felt him laugh and give me a light squeeze.

“It’s a virtue that i’m learning. It’s something important enough that I knew not to rush… or at least not to push.”

“You could have you know… Because I love you. I probably have from the beginning, and I don’t mean the beginning of our relationship. I mean from when I first wanted you.”

He pulled me up so that he could kiss first my lips and then his favorite spot on my neck.

“I’m sorry that I waited for you to be ready before I told you that this is for the long haul. That you can’t ever leave me because I won’t survive. That I can’t imagine giving my love to anyone else but you. That I love you more than I love myself… and that’s a whole lot.”

He’d punctuated each sentence with a long drugging kiss. When he finished, I did indeed feel a little drunk. I smiled and felt myself almost purr.

We didn’t make love, we didn’t have sex. We just held each other feeling the satisfaction of loving and being loved in return. We shared long slow kisses and dozed in each other’s arms. It’s a wonderful feeling when you feel your soul sighing in relief that you’ve truly found your mate.

***********************************

Life was great! My best friend finally got it together and found his happiness. He was more lighthearted and free than i’d ever seen him.

When he and Johnathan told us about the party the next day, we were nothing short of amazed. Johnny and I were lounging about doing nothing when Jamie came in beaming while Johnathan looked grumpy and put out.

Johnny was immediately concerned and I could feel the worry coil within him. I loved that we were so in tune with each other’s emotions but I hated it whenever he got upset.

“What happened?” Johnny asked as soon as he saw Johnathan’s face.

Jamie doubled over laughing and shook his head. “He’s mad because not only did I make it through last night. I had rousing success. I even got hit on a couple of times. I think I might do this every weekend. I loved how pointy my mow hawk was.”

He’d combed it down so that he only had a strip of hair running down his head. It wasn’t standing razor sharp anymore.

“You don’t need to sound so happy about it.” Johnathan huffed.

Jamie laughed and pulled Johnathan to him so he could kiss his dour looking face. “Aww, but that wasn’t even the best part. Johnathan got all jealous and bloodied this guy’s nose. I would have hit him myself but I wasn’t fast enough.”

We were looking from one to the other. Johnathan had crossed his arms and still looked royally pissed. It was the oddest thing. I didn’t ever really remember Johnathan looking so… so… dark. Despite his penchant for black.

“I did not get jealous! That guy grabbed your dick. It was bad enough he was damn near stripping trying to get you to notice him but when you told him you had a boyfriend that should have been enough. Then he goes and grabs your crotch like i’m not gonna do anything about it.” He sat on Jamie’s lap and still looked mad as hell.

Johnny and I now had grins on our faces as we heard them tell of their night. It was like they’d switched places or something. Who knew Johnathan was aggressive? He’d always been sweet and kind and friendly to everybody. I guess there’s something to be said about messing with someone’s mate. Hell I didn’t want to cross him right now and I was the biggest one in the bunch.

“The guy was bigger than both of us and figured that Johnathan wasn’t man enough for me. He didn’t even view Johnathan as a threat until he got his nose smashed in.” Jamie was still laughing and massaging Johnathan’s shoulders like you might do to a fighter going into the ring. Johnathan started to relax and turned to Jamie.

“I need to find something else for you to do to make it up to me.”

Jamie just shook his head and smiled. “No can do babe, you can’t pick something else just because it blew up in your face and you’re unhappy with the outcome.”

Johnathan’s look turned sour again and this time we all laughed.

I left Johnny to talk to and calm down Johnathan and I pulled Jamie to the side so that I could talk to him.

“So how’s it going bro? I mean really going. How are you two coming along?”

“Man, I understand so much of what you were saying before. It’s crazy that he loves me but I won’t ever take it for granted. He’s taught me everything I know about loving and I can only hope he’ll never run out of stuff to teach me.”

I looked around making sure that Johnny and Johnathan were still talking. That sounded good to my ears. “What about the future? Umm, have you talked about anything?”

“Not really, i’m just getting over the fact that he forgave me for being an ass. Why do you want to know?” I blew out a breath, and my nervousness came on full force.

“Damn, I want to dedicate myself to Johnny… formally, and I wondered if you’d like to do it together, but I guess i’m on my own.”

Jamie’s eyes filled with wisdom and he smiled.

“You’re nervous about this? Why would you be? You know that he loves you and you’re obviously ga-ga over him. Just ask him.”

“This from a guy who took months to get with someone even after he knew it was a sure thing. Besides, it’s not like I ask people to marry me everyday. What if he’s not ready for that step?”

He clapped me on the back, murmured a congratulations and I looked at him in confusion because Johnny hadn’t said yes yet. Hell he didn’t even know that I wanted to marry him.

“Someone I know once said something really profound to me. I believe it was something about you being the only one responsible for your happiness. Hmmm, I’m sure it was something like that. However, I believe you now have a glimpse into the fear that I felt.”

“It’s different when you aren’t the person responsible for your happiness anymore. Johnny is the orchestrator of it now. I can’t be happy without him.”

He smiled even wider. “Now you know how I felt about Johnathan. I was terrified that he’d say ‘no’ and i’d never be able to be happy. That was larger than my want to risk asking. But Johnathan helped me with my fear of rejection.”

Now I was curious. He was smiling nostalgically. “How so?”

“Whenever I ask him something, well most of the time, he tells me ‘no’. I know now that it isn’t him rejecting me per se, but maybe the idea, or the timing, or he may even be issuing a challenge. I’m no longer afraid of hearing the wrong answer.”

“That doesn’t help me one whit.” To that he busted up laughing.

“I know, but I love thinking about it. Just listen to your heart, it already knows the answer. A wise person told me that too.”

Maybe I should have written down all the stuff that I told him. It certainly seemed to come in handy. He grabbed Johnathan’s hand, kissed it and pulled him up.

“Come on my grumpy sweetheart. Let’s get you home.” To which he replied, “no”.

Jamie looked at me and shook his head smiling. “Well then where would you like to go?”

“To your house, duh. And i’m shaving the mow hawk off. No more goth for you mister.”

“Whatever you want sweet.” He kissed Johnathan’s cheek and they left with Johnathan still grumbling.

I looked back at Johnny, swallowing the lump that had formed in my throat. I didn’t really know how this was supposed to go. I didn’t have a ring or anything. Would he expect me to have one? Why do I want to be the one to pop the question? We’re both equal partners. Damn! This was harder than I thought.

I cleared my throat and tried to ignore the butterflies that were gathering in my stomach. “Uh Johnny? Can we talk for a minute?”

He saw that I was uneasy, so he came and stroked my cheek as he sat astride me on the dining chair. “Sure babe, what’s up? Why are you so tense?”

“I need to ask you something. Say Jamie wanted to ask Johnathan to marry him. How would you feel about that?”

His face was amassed with excitement. “Oh my God, really? Is that what you guys were talking about? Oh, i’d be so happy for them of course. They deserve it.”

“You don’t think it’s too soon for them to be talking that seriously and permanent?”

He looked confused and a little angry. “Love doesn’t have a time limit. People do. If they love each other and want to then I see no problem with it and you shouldn’t either. Damn Rick, you don’t even seem happy for them. They went through so much and you’re just talking about this like it’s a piece of driftwood.”

I arched an eyebrow, trying to contain my growing excitement. “You do know that we’re just speaking hypothetically right?”

He waved my comment away. “Whatever, I saw the looks they were giving each other. And you heard how Johnathan reacted to somebody touching Jamie. If that isn’t an indication that they’re heading down that path then I don’t know what is.”

“What if it isn’t Jamie that wants to ask Johnathan?” His brows knit together in confusion and a mix of awe and surprise.

“Johnathan wants to ask Jamie? Wow! But wait, how do you know that and why didn’t Johnathan tell me? I’m his best friend not you. And if that’s the case, why are you just telling me now?”

I kissed him slowly when he took a breath. I braced myself and kept going. “What if i’m the one who wants to ask you? How would you feel about that?”

I drank in his features, committing them to my memory trying to tell myself that if he said ‘no’ I wouldn’t fall apart. He was starring open-mouthed, and wide eyed at me. His breath was coming out in short warm bursts against my face.

“I won’t really know until you ask me.”

I looked into his eyes for a long time, then I swallowed my uncertainty and plunged in headfirst.

“Baby, you own my heart, you’ve invaded my mind and taken up residence. You’ve stolen a part of my soul that I don’t ever want back and if that isn’t enough, my body has been yours almost from the word ‘go’. You slipped into my subconscious and now i’m your slave. I never want to sever the ties that we’ve sown to link us together. If anything, I want to make them stronger with rebar and cement. Will you, John Michael Cahill, take pity on me and allow us to become one?”

He’d started to cry and I kissed each cheek, slurping up each tear as they fell. He started to tremble and his breath was hitching as he closed his eyes, moaned long and low in his throat and let his head fall back. After a minute or two, he leaned back up, smiled, and then laid his head on my shoulder.

“I think I just had a body-gasm.” He said as he sighed.

“Does that mean yes? He pulled up to look at me. Still trying to level off his breathing.

“Yes it definitely does. I’m sorry I made you wait for an answer, baby, but I got a little caught up from everything you were saying and I guess I just overloaded.”

I growled as I crushed him to me in a bruising kiss. “Hell I don’t care as long as you said ‘yes’. Well… that’s not really true, I wouldn’t have wanted to wait too long, my hair might have prematurely turned grey or something. Then you really wouldn’t have wanted to marry me.”

He giggled and ground into my straining piece. “Of course i’d still want you. You’re beautiful to me. Inside and out.”

I could barely register because he was dry humping me and making me so damned horny. “Baby stop teasing me. Either do something about this or leave me alone.” He smiled at me and went to move off. I grabbed him tightly around the middle making him laugh.

“Ok so you’ve only got one option. Do something about this. And i’m not letting you go so you need to figure something out.”

He looked around for something within arms length to use as lube. We’d long ago dispensed with the condoms so lube was all we needed. He stripped my shirt off and I did the same for him. I lifted up, with him still on my lap, and pulled down my shorts, glad now that I hadn’t put on any boxers. I lifted him up, sat him sideways so that I could remove his pants and then draped him around my waist again.

We were now naked against each other, leaking profusely, and getting even more worked up.

“So what are you going to do sweetheart? Your fiancée’s waiting to celebrate.” He gasped as I bit his arm lightly. He stretched his arm out to grab something behind my head but he couldn’t seem to grab it at first. He stood partially up bringing his cock right to the same level as my mouth. I quickly surrounded the tip with my mouth and he trembled at the unexpectedness of it.

He stayed at that height and began slowly undulating his hips so that he was mock fucking my mouth. We were both getting worked up and he pulled back before he got too far along. When he pulled his arms back hew had this shit-eating grin on his face and waved a bottle of olive oil triumphantly in my face.

He moved to stand between my legs, tuned around and wriggled his butt in front of my face. I smacked his cheek slightly hearing a ‘yip’ in response. Nibbling on his bud was one of my favorite pastimes. I loved his scent and his taste. I was happy that no one else would ever get to taste him. I was slurping, probing, and nibbling for all I was worth. I got moans and gasps in return.

I uncapped the oil and poured it liberally into his crack. I coated my hands and began massaging his insides, getting him good and oiled up. I stroked my cock, coating it with the oil and turned him so that he’d straddle me again. As he straddled me he sank down on my shaft.

As many times as we’d been in this position or similar positions, this time was the most important. We savored the love-making, Pumping slowly. Feeling every thrust as it solidified our bond. Each time he lifted up, he would descend swirling his ass in a circular motion. The feeling it created drove me crazy. I caressed his cock between us and we made sure that our lips were never far from each other.

I caressed his ass. The ass that was giving me so much pleasure and I moaned in tandem with each thrust. We never wanted to stop, but all good things come to an end. We shuddered violently as we came. Me, deeply embedded in his ass and him, all over our chests. We just stayed on the chair until we recovered. I licked his cum from my chest by scooping it onto my fingers.

By the time we felt solid enough to move Johnny was dozing against my chest. Well… I guess I should say that I was solid enough to move. As soon as I went to get up, Johnny moaned grumpily and clamped on my softening piece. I laughed and just led us to the bedroom where we proceeded to make love again, this time with me pounding furiously into his ass and making him beg for me to pound his ass into submission.

I fell asleep then, barely managing to not crush my love as I fell out exhausted.

**********************************

Rick and Johnny were the picture of happiness now that they’d announced their intent to wed and Johnathan and I couldn’t have been more happy.

It did give me something to think about though. I didn’t want to just pop the question because my friend had already done it but I did want to pledge myself to Johnathan. I just had to figure out a way to be unique with it.

Johnathan laid next to me on my bed as we cuddled and watched TV. We weren’t watching anything particularly interesting so I was letting my mind wander trying to make my proposal special. I hadn’t even realized that Johnathan was looking at me.

“Why are you brooding? You look like you did before we got together. Are you afraid to tell me something again?”

“No i’m not afraid. I just want it to be right. I will ask or tell you, but I don’t know how. There are so many ways that I just don’t know which one will be best.”

“You know you could just ask. Just cut to the chase and ask me.”

I knew that wouldn’t work, but he surely didn’t. “That wont work. I need to be perfect on this.”

He groaned and sat up. “Knowing you, it’ll take a year before you feel it’s perfect. It can’t be that important and considering the alternative of you possibly never letting me know, i’d rather you just give it to me straight.”

I looked at him and smiled not believing him for a minute. “I don’t believe you. And I don’t want to give it to you straight. I want it wrapped. With a bow, and in a bag thank you very much.”

He sighed again and sat Indian style. I tickled his foot and he smacked my hand. “Will you marry me?” He asked.

I shot up into a sitting position. “You jerk, you knew! And that’s my line. Why are you saying it?”

He rolled his eyes at me and pushed me back down like I was being a drama queen. “First of all, of course I knew. Why else would you be in such deep concentration for days on end? Secondly, it’s nobody’s line. Like I said, it would be next year before you got around to asking so I saved you the trouble.”

I looked at him in desperation. “But I wanted it to be special. For you and for us.” He cocked his head to the side, smiling at me.

“Is it any less special to you since I said it?” Without hesitation I replied.

“Hell no, as long as you meant it.” Then I realized what I’d said and I smiled at my own stupidity. “So you really don’t care? I didn’t want you to feel slighted after Rick and Johnny went through the whole declaration and how Rick tricked Johnny and all that. I wanted to make our experience unique and special.”

He’d laid out on top of me and was listening to my heartbeat, something that he did often. “Is this not special and unique? I don’t care what anybody else has, I just care that we’re real and honest with each other. Now no more talking, only loving.”

I hadn’t ever bottomed and so far we’d been using butt plugs to open me up a little. I hoped that he would finally take me and mark this occasion for me. We each only had boxers on so getting naked was easy to accomplish. “Take me baby.” I whispered as he roamed all over my body.

“Oh, I plan to.” Was all he said. I felt my ass twitch in anticipation. He laved my torso and moved down until I felt his warm tongue suckling my balls. He already had the lube out and was smearing it on the outside of my hole without going in. With each swipe, my ass would involuntarily try to capture his illusive finger.

He began gently sucking my cock into his mouth and I just sat back and enjoyed the ride. He plunged all the way down so that the majority of my cock was in his mouth and my answering gasp allowed him to slip a finger into my ass almost without my notice.

When I went to take a breath, my ass clamped down on his finger and I gasped again. I’d had fingers in my ass but he was going exceedingly slow to make my arousal to even greater heights. He kept sucking me but never let me trip over the edge.

As he sucked me he worked finger after slender finger into my tight cavity until he was pushing four in and out. He still wouldn’t let me cum though and I was getting restless. I needed to cum. The slow boil that he’d created in me was starting to steam and explode.

Finally he quickened his pace and I almost sagged with relief when I realized that I would soon be cumming. My relief was short lived as I felt my orgasm build up like steam in a pressure cooker. I blew my load in great heaves of air and twitches from my cock.

I almost wanted to pass out I felt so drained. I felt like i’d been drugged and the only thing left for me to do was slip away on a cloud. No such luck though as I felt something hard and demanding pressing on my backdoor. I was so relaxed that I hardly had any trouble opening my sphincter for his initial intrusion.

Immediately I was alerted as I felt the head of his cock pop past my second ring and send pain shooting throughout my ass. I involuntarily clamped down tightly as my ass tried to stop the intrusion. He stopped right there and kept telling me to breathe deeply.

As the pain started to ebb a little from the initial intrusion, I relaxed and felt my ring loosen just a fraction. He moved as slow as possible while I held my legs open in the ultimate position of vulnerability. He stroked less that an inch at the time until he was seated about half way. I felt so full already that I didn’t know it was half way until he told me.

I thought that I was getting the hang of it, and i’d started to like his short slow thrusts. I whispered, “I love how full I feel baby, give it to me, I can take a harder thrust.”

His face was a mask of concentration as he whispered back, “I can’t, i’m only half way in.”

My eyes bulged as I got out, “Good lord there’s more?” He laughed a little and nodded. Then he looked a little apologetic.

“I’m sorry this is so hard for you. I’m going so slow because I don’t want to hurt you any more than is necessary.”

“Don’t worry about it baby, I really want it. Besides, think how great it’ll be when I get used to you. You’ll have an ass specifically molded to your cock’s needs.” I felt his cock twitch in response.

I don’t know how I did it, but I took the whole ten inches. Johnathan’s body was taut as he began driving in and out with short but sure strokes.

I was feeling tendrils of pain laced with pleasure I was unaccustomed to feeling. As Johnathan stroked past my prostate, I felt the electricity all over my freshly shaved scalp. He began drawing his huge schlong all the way out and then pressing all the way back in without stopping. This technique had both of us groaning.