Something in the Water

A gay story: Something in the Water Hey Everyone

It’s been a while.

I’ve had a rough go at it for a while now; the life of an unemployed graduate who’s battle depression and loneliness is a tough one, but I’m pulling through and getting better by the day.

Writing is a cathartic experience for me, and I must admit that finding inspiration that goes beyond the first page has been difficult, but here I am and here is a story I felt compelled to write after only a day of typing and editing.

It won’t be perfect, the sex won’t be the dirty kind that’s in every second paragraph, but I hope it’s beauty inspires you to go out there and live your lives to the fullest.

The characters are of my own making and if you’re offended by the idea of male on male sex, then I suggest you turn the other direction, but find it in your heart to know that love is what we are called to do and love is what we will give, no matter the genders, orientations, ages or races.

Sending you all love

XX MalevolentBard

*****

I stare at the water now. I take long, lonely walks that invariably lead to the rocky beach shore and I just stand there, numb and yet so filled up with thoughts and feelings and things I want to say and scream out into the world that I can’t make sense of it all, nor do I know how to express it, so I just stand there and stare at the moving tides.

Most of the time I stand there and wait for the tears to come; for a scar to form, a sceptic wound to manifest so I can see, scent or sense the origins of the deep ache I’ve carried with me for two years now.

The timeline’s not lost on me; it’s been two years since the enigmatic Robert left me for ‘more’. What ‘more’ is, I don’t know, but apparently I didn’t have it, so on the eve of my twenty third birthday, I walked in on a very flustered Robert, bags in tow, caught in the act of fleeing from a life we spent ten years building.

“I wrote you a letter.” was the first thing he’d said to break through the impasse, the stare-off, the high-noon shoot-out where only one would survive…I wasn’t the survivor in this duel. I stared at his bags, at the faintly guilty look on his perfect face (just because he was an ass, didn’t make his face any less perfect), and the words, the ones I wanted to use, the ones with the questions and the pleas and the accusations, those ones, they never came.

He towered uncomfortably, all 6 feet 3 inches of him itching to escape. His emerald eyes glancing fitfully at the door, his honey blond curls damp against his forehead and his muscular body, his temple, almost shrinking before me.

“I didn’t want to do it this way, but…I feel like things aren’t changing; we’re not moving forward, nor are we moving backward, we’re stuck and I can’t…I don’t do stuck. I need more.” I didn’t know if he was pleading, I was stuck on the fact that he was actually leaving. We hadn’t had a fight, we’d made love just that morning, it was as beautiful and as fulfilling as it had always been. I’d finally done some of the things he’d begged me to do in bed. I was uncomfortable, but satisfied in his joy and enjoyment.

So I was stuck, confused. His words wouldn’t register until he’d left, until he’d taken his scent with him, until his very existence had been wiped clean from the shelves, walls and rooms of our quaint condo. All of which disappeared within hours of his departure; I never quite realised how minimally he’d infused himself in my life…our life, until I’d witnessed how easily he’d been able to gather all his belongings and his impact and vanish as though he’d never lived there.

“What are you doing, where are you going?” I was never the sharpest tool in the shed, but I was definitely the shiniest. It’s something he’d taken to saying around mutual friends from when we were kids. I was quiet, careful by nature, deliberate in the things I did and the words I used and part of that caution was often misconstrued as a lag in intellect. It’s not that it took me a minute to catch onto things, it’s that it took me a minute to believe what I was seeing; I already know what’s going on at first glance.

“I can’t do this, I won’t. I’m sorry, Andrew.” and then he was gone. No goodbye, no explanation, just a guilty look, a vague admittance of defeat and he was gone. He’d shot his shot, the sun was past noon and I was on the ground, bleeding out with an equally vague letter that just said “I can’t do this, I need more. I’m sorry.”

So I stare at the water now. Two years after the love of my life left me, in a town he forced me to move to because it’s where he felt most inspired to paint and where some of his family were. I had no family nearby, I had no friends who stuck around after he left, and I had no clue why I kept living like this.

My uncluttered thoughts were rudely interrupted by the blaring phone in my pocket.

“Hello?” I managed between shivers; summer’s increasingly giving way to a bitter autumn.

“Bring a month’s worth of clothes when you get here for Matty’s birthday, you’re staying with us.” it’s my sister, bless her intrusive heart.

“I’m glad to hear from you too, and no I can’t…” I answered as calmly as I could. My sister was the spirited mother hen type, who smothered first and asked questions later.

“Yes you can; I’ve watched you waste away for the better part of two years over some low life, good for nothing, scumbag, who whored his way through two states during eight years of your relationship, and I’m done doing nothing. You’re coming to Matty’s party, you’re going to get drunk with me and the other overwhelmed parents, and we’re going to make sure that you’re good to go and better than ever.” She meant well, she really did, and half of what she said was true.

Robert challenged monogamy, or he was challenged by it, either way he spent eight years of our relationship “fulfilling a very biological obligation.” by sleeping with as many men that would have him. The first incident was two years into our relationship, when I walked into his home, knocked on his bedroom door only for him to scream “Get the hell out, Andy!”

I guess I’d made up my mind right there and then; he was the tall, muscular jock who was popular and not out because being 15 and gay was tough on one’s social prospects, and I was the slim, waif-like kid with the weird purple grey hair, the pale blue eyes and the ghostly white skin that wasn’t anywhere near popular, and I should have been glad that I had this Adonis even looking in my direction. So I stood outside, I waited for him, I heard them climax, I waited some more, I watched him kiss a thoroughly pleased cheerleader from school goodbye, I listened while he explained that he was doing it to protect us, and I stayed because I was already madly in love with him.

The girls continued, and through college the boys came, I sometimes walked in on him, I cried, he apologised and promised it would never happen again, and he was right; I never walked in on him again, he was better at hiding his cheating from me, but I loved him and so I stayed.

I always knew when he’d cheated; he’d come to me, he’d smell cleaner from a shower and he’d grab me tenderly, lay me on the bed, strip me as though I was a jewel made of glass before he’d stand over me while he stared deep in my eyes, and would take off each item of his clothes before he was gloriously naked, and he’d kneel between my legs. There was something about that man’s hands; they were strong and yet beautiful and they did things to my body that made me question the existence of witchcraft.

All powerful and masculine, he’d gently caress the sides of my body, never taking his eyes off of me, he’d look contrite, apologetic, pained and it would make sense. This was his apology; Robert was sick, a man with a disease that rendered him incapable of remaining faithful.

So instead of fighting him, I watched as he kissed every inch of my body, I watched as he made every effort to make me feel good, to apologise not with his words, but with his body for the things he’d just done. A tear would escape out the corner of his eye and he would devour my flower, loosening me up for his mammoth 9 inch flesh, the pulsing length drooling at the sight of my quivering body, before sheathing himself and sliding achingly inside. My body opened up to him in ways I never knew were possible.

His breath travelled across my skin and into my lungs like smoke, his sweat glistened over his incredibly muscled ridges, dripping over me, igniting a fire across my skin as with each pump he dug deeper into my soul. He possessed me in ways I thought only existed in poetry. His tongue tasted of menthol, his mouth washed clean of the taste of whomever he’d taken before me; he was here now, he was mine now. He fucked whoever he wanted, but he made love to me.

He’d patiently pull my climax from me until every fibre of my being was alight and until my chest was slick with my spent approval, before he ravaged me like an animal let loose. He’d stare deep into my eyes, begging for me to understand, demanding I submit, drilling into me his dominance and with a roar, he’d cum and his entire body would shake and shimmer. It was beautiful to watch, and painful to experience, both physically and emotionally. I loved him though, so I stayed.

“I can’t, Jules, I…” I had to come up with something, anything to get out of what would be a very frustrating visit and smother-fest from a very well-meaning sister. I needed to be on my own, I needed to do something, be something other than this pitiful wreck. I needed to start moving. The waves lapped at my feet, the water cold and sobering.

“I won’t take no for an answer, it’s not like you have anywhere to be.” she insisted. I don’t know if it was the water, or the idea of handing my healing over to someone other than myself; but I spoke confidently for the first time in a while.

“I do, actually.” the words made no sense to me, but I’d spoken them, they had life and consequences now.

“We could binge..uhm, you do?” her voice sounding just as confused as I felt. I bit the bullet, reaching for something, anything…the water.

“Yes, I planned a trip, for a week, to Mexico.” The words had once again left without so much as a quantifying thought or plan, but they’d been said.

“What’s in Mexico?” the cogs turned.

“I don’t know, but there has to be something…more.” the word sent a shiver down my spine. My palms began sweating, my eyes stung and my heart beat faster. If this was what healing felt like, then I finally know why I’d avoided it for so long.

“When are you leaving?” I could hear the scepticism in her voice. I hadn’t convinced her enough.

“Tomorrow; I wasn’t going to say anything because this is meant to be a solo expedition, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it in case nothing comes from it.” the more I said it, the more I believed it, and the more I was convinced the trip would do me some good. The waves lapping against my feet grew warmer, more welcoming almost.

“Well I mean, if that’s what you want. I just want what’s best for you, okay honey?” and that’s how I ended up in Puerto Vallarta in Mexico.

The sun was out, the resort stunning and the ocean a magnificent cacophony of turquoise, rich blues and stunning greens. To be honest, I had no idea what I was doing, but I was due some vacation leave and I guess I needed a break,

“I know a week isn’t enough, lord knows you were head over heels in love with that fool, but you need to start living. You can’t let your life pass you by, as young as you are. If you won’t do this for me, then do it for you. Be happy, fight for your happiness.” was the last thing my sister had whispered to me before wishing me a safe and happy trip.

She was right; I needed to start fighting for myself. The ache was still there, the wound was still unseen, but I was finally doing something.

I let the breeze take hold of me, the sun wash over me while my skin warmed, my toes dug into the sand and the warm waters moved over my ankles. My shoulder length hair moved with each passing breeze and with my eyes closed, I allowed my mind to drift and my heart to beat, willing the pain away.

“What are you doing?” the unexpected voice of a little boy who must have appeared from thin air broke my trance with a start.

“Woah, uhm…” I muttered noncommittally, still very startled by the appearance of an unaccompanied little person with large grey eyes, platinum blond hair and little swim trunks. He looked at me expectantly.

“Were you praying? My daddy says you have to keep your eyes closed when you pray, is that what you were doing?” the questions, although innocent, tugged at something deeper within I hadn’t expected.

“Well, not so much, little guy. I was…just standing.” I said, looking around for a panicked adult.

“Oh, that’s weird. But okay, I like the water too. I don’t get to swim a lot, but when I do, I swim all day. Not after I eat, but I swim so much I get wrinkly.” he smiled excitedly as children often do and looked out into the ocean with me. I turned back to the water and stared at it alongside him, silently hoping for someone to come running, searching for a missing little person.

“Yeah, I like the water too.” I finally said. Not long after, I felt little hands wrap themselves around my own and as strange as the sensation was at first, a piece of me grew warmer at the innocent touch.

“Where are your parents?” I asked, still holding his hand, still staring at the ocean and enjoying the view.

“My dad is asleep, he has a headache so he didn’t want to go outside today, and…”

“Ethan!” I turned abruptly, along with the little boy to see a very tall man with shoulders the size of basketballs, and arms the size of both my thighs, running towards us.

“What have I told you about leaving the resort without a grown-up? I was worried sick about you, don’t ever do that to me again, okay?” The large man, who was topless, had a hairy chest that was muscular enough to know that he kept in shape, but wasn’t obsessed with exercising. His body was…warm. That would be the best way to describe him, 6 feet 2 inches of warmth. His grey eyes were just as bright as young Ethan’s, his hair just as platinum and he had a smile that rivalled the sun.

He was perfect, beautiful…and married. The very bright silver wedding band glistened threateningly on his left hand.

“I’m okay, I’m okay, I just wanted to be by the water, I was with a grown-up, here see…” Ethan contested by pointing towards me. It was then that our eyes locked, I must have glazed over because having him look at me, finally look and see me, did things to my body I wasn’t prepared for. My dopey stare was met with his untrusting sneer, and like cold water on a boner, my mind cleared up and his disdain filled my nostrils until I could choke on the uncomfortable tension.

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came. I felt like prey, and not in a good way. His eyes darkened and I prepared myself for the strike.

“You’re in big trouble, young man. Come on, let’s go. What do we always say about strangers?” he swiftly turned his back on me and dragged young Ethan away from the shore as if the seas were infested with child eating predators…which they were, but…I surely wasn’t one of them.

I wasn’t even worth the acknowledgment, apparently. I felt pathetic; vilified and disregarded, like I meant nothing and wasn’t worth the energy.

I heard young Ethan mumble something akin to an apology before turning toward me with a pained, teary eyed look before waving goodbye. I waved back, touched by his gesture, and even more so by his affection for someone he didn’t even know. I stood there, staring as little Ethan and big Ethan (I didn’t know the father’s name) disappeared amongst the crowd and further up the beach.

“You haven’t changed one bit.” That voice, the rumble that never failed to light a match within me. The sound that once sparked hope, joy and reverence, and that had broken my heart and left it to wither away without so much as a goodbye.

I turned slowly, dreading the sight, not wanting to confirm my fears, but needing to see it with my own eyes. There he stood, still as handsome as ever, still as muscular as I remembered and a vision in a half buttoned up white linen shirt and beige shorts that hugged his thighs and behind in all the right places.

His eyes were a bright green, his hair full and golden, his tight smile the only sign of his uncertainty and his hands in his pockets. He considered me cautiously, almost as a man would a wounded animal; and I was wounded.

“Robert?” my voice was small, my vision now blurry, and my palms sweaty.

“In the flesh.” he chuckled nervously.

“Robert?” the question now tinged with a faint spell of anger and my hands now shaking while my lungs fought for air.

“Andy, I… if I could turn back…” he began, his arms now reaching out to me, his eyes pleading and his smile gone. I took a step back; feeling stronger for it, but weaker for glancing at his powerful thighs and hands and feeling myself stir at the sight.

“You left.” I finally managed. His steps halted, his hands fell and his eyes stared into my own. He said nothing.

“You left, the day before my birthday, in the middle of the night, with all your stuff, and no explanation but ‘more’.” I spoke more to myself than him, more for my own benefit, for my own understanding than his own. I let the words work their way through my mind, let them sink in, allowed them to expand and contract before speaking again.

“I did nothing but give myself to you, sacrifice for you, cry for you and I allowed you to trample all over my self-esteem and you packed your things, left a vague note, told me I’m not enough and you left.” He had the decency to look contrite. I took a step closer, feeling emboldened by my rage, something I’d buried long ago, something I didn’t think I deserved to feel.

“I supported you, loved you, stayed with you while you slept with anything with a pulse, including all of my friends, then you leave me…for more. Well, did you find it, did you find more, did it fill the spaces I couldn’t, did it make you feel fulfilled?” I hadn’t noticed my voice rising, or the tears that had began travelling down the side of my face. All I knew was that I had things to say and I needed to say them right there and then.

“Andrew, I’m…” he began, but I couldn’t allow him to have this moment; it wasn’t his, this wasn’t where he got to feel justified, where he got to be reasonable and where his truth is shared. This was where I got to speak and I got to scream and cry and I got to be angry.

“Don’t! Don’t you dare tell me you’re sorry! Sorry won’t give me back the ten years we were together, sorry won’t magically fix my broken heart, sorry won’t stop me from hating myself for sticking around, for taking the abuse, for loving you while you disrespected me every single day and sorry won’t give me back the two years I spent trying to hide from the world because I allowed you to break me. Sorry won’t make it any easier to accept that I stayed, I allowed it, I condoned it…sorry won’t take away the fact that I tried killing myself because I could no longer live with myself for being such a fucken idiot. So don’t you dare say sorry, keep your sorry and fuck it over like you did me.” I didn’t know I’d slapped him until I had, until the burn crept up the palm of my hand and through my arm and I’d turned on my heel and walked briskly up to my room at the resort.

It wasn’t until I was behind a locked door that my body shook violently as the ache throbbed furiously and the tears came unbidden while I curled into a pitiful ball, as the sobs took over. I hadn’t cried that hard before, not for anything, not for him. It hadn’t made sense, I’d held out on allowing my feelings to come to the fore because I still didn’t get it; I thought it was a joke, it was temporary, he’d be back, something was wrong, this wasn’t how my life was.

But when I saw his face, when I heard his voice, the finality of what used to be came crashing down on me and I couldn’t handle it the way I used to.

The curtains billowed gently while I watched, from the cool tile floor, day burn out into a fiery twilight before fizzling out into a cool inky night. My back had started aching about an hour ago, and my arm had died about an hour before that, but I couldn’t have moved if you’d said the place was on fire.

He was still so beautiful. Still enigmatic, still…him. What had happened; what had changed so much that I wasn’t enough, what had stayed the same so much that he had to leave me to find…more? Why the vague explanation, why the pitiful letter (it was more of a note), and what…what’s he got now that he didn’t have with me? These were questions I needed answers to, questions I demanded answers to.

I was braver now, stronger somehow and I wasn’t going to let him slip through my fingers before he told me everything.

With great effort, I pulled myself off the floor, made my way to the shower to wash away the stink that had settled onto my skin over the last few years; the kind of stink that made it clear to all who looked that I was broken, I was less than and I was unworthy. I stood under that spray and allowed the water to flow through and over me; to steel me for what came next and to make me new.

This was my own weird little baptism; Andrew’s going to be different, better. I’m more than enough, and I planned on letting it show.

I put on the tightest pair of black jeans I had and a linen shirt that I left open enough to leave nothing to the imagination. I didn’t have muscles like some of these men, but I had youth and definition and a sex appeal that somehow landed a hot sonofabitch like Robert, so I must have something worth looking at.

Down at the bar, I took a seat and ordered a martini. I was going to wait for a table, have a meal by myself, treat myself, and if Robby boy happened to make an appearance, I’d be more than happy to accompany him in a bid to finally get some answers. But whatever happens, this was now my time to take care of me.

“A- Andrew…I hope I’m not interrupting.” not even ten minutes and the man was right there. The sound of his voice grated against my nerves, turning the pit of my stomach and gnawed at my palms. Without turning to face him, I took a sip of my martini and spoke.

“Take a seat, it won’t be long now.” my voice sounded different, confident; I wasn’t sure I’d ever felt confident in myself before, I liked it. He tentatively took a seat. His scent was everywhere; a spicy vanilla that had been my everything at one point, one I’d searched desperately for throughout the condo after he’d left, one I’d followed down the street behind some unwitting stranger, one I now loathed alongside the man it emanated from.

“He’ll have a scotch, double, on the rocks.” I said before the barman could ask. He looked at me, confused, before shrugging and pouring the drink. I slid it over to Robert. Robert sat still, turning slightly towards me, waiting, hoping to say something maybe, hoping I’d say something maybe, but I wasn’t ready yet. I was going to make him wait, I was going to milk this moment of power for all I’ve got and I was going to make sure things moved at the pace I was ready for.

The scotch arrived, Robert clung to the perspiring glass and downed the entire drink in one go before nodding for another. The silence between us grew tense, Robert shifted uncomfortably once more before sighing in defeat.

“Andrew…” he began, but it wasn’t his time, it was mine.

“No, not yet, drink up and be quiet.” I felt it, like I was being rude, a testament to my upbringing and my people pleasing ways, a valiant vestige of my former self fighting to apologise and make things right, but I didn’t care anymore. We sat in silence and waited, I took slow sips from my martini and he held tight onto his third glass of scotch.

Before things became too uncomfortable, I was called to my table and stood without looking back at whether or not Robert would follow. I knew if he wanted to see me, if he wanted to talk to me, he would follow. And he did.

He graciously pulled a chair out for me, I smirked, sat down and we ordered. We appeared as two friends sharing a meal, for someone who knew us from our past, they’d be caught by the familiarity of the picture, the old romance of it all, how wrong they would be, all of them. Things had changed, I was no longer the naïve boy who allowed himself to be used, and he wasn’t the god on earth I once saw him as. I watched him chew his steak, I wanted to slap the shit out of him, again, but I was calmer, smarter, more controlled now.

“Did you find it?” I finally said. He needed no explanation. He knew what I was referring to. I watched as the light died from his eyes, I watched as his mind worked; I hoped it wasn’t about to conjure up some lie.

“I don’t know, to be honest.” that wasn’t any better of an answer. I didn’t know which I would have preferred, him saying that he had, confirming that I was indeed not enough, unworthy and less than, or him saying that he hadn’t, which meant that he broke my heart for nothing.

“If we’re going to do this, if we’re going to sit here and be civilised and act like adults and talk, then we have to be honest about everything. You have to be honest, I have to be honest, even if what either of us say hurts or has the potential to hurt the other person, we have to be honest about our feelings and our experiences or we might as well call it a night because I am trying with everything in me, to be strong and to not freak out. So I need to know, everything, Robert.” the strength I’d accumulated, the fierceness I had drummed up had all but disappeared and I was holding onto the last vestiges of the Andrew I wanted to be, the one I needed to be to be able to get through this.

“You’re right, I’m sorry; for everything…” he began, but I’d heard enough ‘I’m sorrys’ to last a lifetime, I needed answers.

“Robert, we were together for ten years, you were my first love, my only love to be quite honest, and you were the man I imagined growing old with. Sure you had your faults, but I wanted to look past all of that and build something with you, something permanent.” it wasn’t the strong ‘hear me roar’ speech I’d planned, but it was a start.

“I know, you have no idea how important you were to me, how important you still are. I was your first, just as you were mine. Everything I know about love I learned from you, even thought I trampled all over the love you so freely offered me, you stuck by me, that’s commitment and love and…forever, that’s what forever is.”

“But you left. If I was something so important to you, why did you leave? And don’t give me the vague bullshit you tried to pass my way when you disappeared, I want the truth, in all its ugliness.” I was shaking, the longer I was in his presence, the stronger his affect on me was. I felt him seeping into my bones, I felt his scent bleeding into my skin, I felt his eyes drawing me nearer, I felt his voice shaking me to the core. Strong Andrew was disappearing, fast.

“Because I was afraid.” he finally said. It must have been a revelation for him, because it sure as hell wasn’t one for me.

“Bull, you don’t cry fear when you break someone’s heart and you want to garner sympathy, no! You left, you disappeared, tried to sneak out without me knowing, with only a ridiculously vague note left behind, the day before my birthday, after we’d made love that very morning and you told me you loved me, you don’t do that and get to look like you’re the victim and I have to feel bad for you.” a lone tear had escaped, I wrangled what was left of my strength and dignity and dug into the barely eaten steak on my plate.

“You’re right, you’re absolutely right, but it’s true. I was afraid. I did some really fucked up things to you. I walked all over you, used you and took advantage of your love for me. I… I was cruel to you, and I am so sorry for that, but you have to believe that I left because I was ashamed and afraid. I was ashamed of the man I’d become, and like the coward I was, I decided to run, to not face you one more day and to not look you in the eye while I destroyed you one more time. I was afraid that you were going to stick around, for life, and you wanted me to do the same. I was afraid that I had to face you everyday and look at you knowing the things I did to you, torturing myself day in and day out while you loved and forgave me time and again, I was…god you don’t know how sorry I am.” It was his turn to cry. The tears streamed endlessly, his eyes a blotchy red and green, his face tight and his chest heaving as he tried valiantly to control the sobs.

I wanted to hold him, to please him, to protect him, to do something, but I didn’t.

“You were a coward.” I said, not caring about his tears, not allowing myself to fall into whatever trap he may have been planting.

“I’m so sorry, I ran because I didn’t know what else to do. I wasn’t the one looking for more; it was you who deserved more. I was too ashamed to admit that I wasn’t enough for you; you were the one who was too good for me, you deserved better, I was never enough and I couldn’t hold you back anymore. I was afraid if I didn’t leave, you’d settle for me and I’d end up killing you. I loved you too much to watch you lose yourself because of my stupidity.” his eyes bore into me, pleading, earnest and honest. It was…infuriating.

“Didn’t you think I deserved a chance to make that decision on my own?” the growl in my voice was new to me, but I welcomed it.

“I was afraid you’d choose me, when you should be choosing yourself. I was a coward, yes, I took the right to decide away from you and I ran.” Robert tried reaching across the table, but I pulled both hands out of his reach until they were across my chest. I wanted to appear strong, not petulant or hostile, but it couldn’t be helped; I needed to protect myself somehow because if he held my hand, if there was even the faintest hint of skin on skin contact, I didn’t know if I would be strong enough to let go and speak freely.

“Don’t make it seem like you were saving me; you aren’t the hero in this story. I deserved a say in our relationship, but you took that away from me. You took away my power; just like you did all those times you cheated on me and expected me to take you back.”

“I didn’t force you to take me back or accept my…the things that I did, you did it of your own volition.”

“And I’ve hated myself for it ever since. I take full responsibility in my role in your infidelity; I allowed it, I told myself that I would never leave, so long as you loved me. I made it okay, I never put my foot down, but you certainly made it easy for me. You convinced me, at first, that it was for my protection; that you sleeping with every cheerleader at school, as many girls from our school, and the neighbouring schools and towns, was good for us because nobody would suspect us of being together if they knew you were a pussy hound and I was just your buddy who would be guilty by association. Then in college you told me that the guys you slept with meant nothing to you, that it was me who you spent the night with, me who you shared an apartment with and me who you loved, then when I wasn’t convinced, you began hiding it from me, and called me crazy and unfair and clingy if I even suggested that you were having an affair.

“You made it very easy for me to accept everything, Robert; you took me away from my family to some town where I knew nobody, you made friends and had family and made sure that they understood I was just a plus one and a friend by association, and you made me feel like it was probably because of me that you sort sex from someone else, like something was wrong with me, so I wouldn’t feel pretty enough to walk away. You made me make you my world, so I understood that without you, I had nothing and no one.” I’d waited years to say this, years to finally speak my mind, to face Robert and tell him how I really felt. I was tired, bone tired and in need of something incredible.

He sat there, silent, thoughtful and visibly ashamed. His eyes downcast and his shoulders slumped; I waited for him to say something. The ball was in his court; if he denied anything, I was ready for a rebuttal, I was ready to fight.

“You’re right.” two words, that’s all it took for the fight to be knocked out of me. That’s all it took to knock me off kilter and to destroy all signs of rage that had been waiting to pounce on the pig. Too taken off guard to speak, Robert continued.

“I never treated you right. I abused you emotionally, took advantage of you and convinced myself that it was okay because you stayed. I also convinced myself that I was being the bigger person for breaking things off because I was saving you from me. I’m a coward with an ego, I’m sorry. I never deserved you. Not when we were thirteen, not while we were living together, and certainly not now. I know this is probably too much to ask for, I know it’s probably going to take a second for you to let it sink in, but I’d like to ask for your forgiveness.” his voice still had that rumble, but it was softer, careful and delicate, like I was going to shatter if he spoke any louder.

I was silent, I didn’t know what to think; was he an idiot for thinking I would ever forgive him, or was it time to finally put him behind me and to move on with my life? That’s why I’d come here, right? Fate intervened and made sure he was here so I could get closure, so maybe I should do the right thing, for me, and let it and him go.

“You don’t have to give me an answer now, you don’t even have to give me an answer at all; this is purely for you. I don’t know if this is too much to ask, but I’m leaving in a few days, and I was hoping to catch up with you, nothing like old times, just…I don’t know. I’m leaving, I don’t expect us to ever see each other again, let me make it up to you, to finally close this chapter the right way, I guess.” his eyes were back on me, the green slightly brighter with hope and his cheeks a tinge rosier. Did I want to forgive him? Probably, did I want to do it right now? No, did I want to hang out with him? I wasn’t sure. It’s probably dangerous, but we had tonight to figure out if it would happen or not.

“Where are you headed?” I asked casually, not giving him an answer, just opening up a line of communication so I had time to think things through. I took a bite from the steak and looked up at his bright emerald eyes and his hopeful smile. He cleared his throat before answering.

“Somewhere I’ve never been, somewhere special I think.” his voice grew lighter, softer with a bit of that sensual rumble that always got me going.

I wanted to ask, but I was too afraid of the answer, so I let it hang in the air, hoping he’d latch onto it like he’d done when I had something on my mind and he always knew what it was.

“No, I’m on my own. The last two years have been testing for me; I suffered, particularly the last year, but I’m better now, I’m free.” there was a calmness to him that hadn’t been there before. Part of his appeal was the tortured artist vibe he gave off, the aloof coldness that drew people to him and made them seek his approval. Now, he seemed relaxed and less strained.

“I’m glad to hear you’re better, I guess.” this was still very awkward territory, but we’d try to make it work. I wasn’t sure what our relationship was, but I was going to give it a shot and feel better for having tried instead of regretting that I hadn’t.

“And you, have you met someone since…” the threat of our earlier tension hung on the tip of his tongue, but we were both saved by the sound of a very excited little boy who had a habit of appearing out of thin air.

“Mister praying man! Mister praying man, you’re here too! Look!!” young Ethan came running like a miniature tornado before screeching to a halt and cocking his head to the side while he considered me.

“Why are you sad?” his small voice wavered at the end like he was seconds away from bursting into tears himself. I hadn’t noticed the redness of my eyes until Ethan said something. I smiled reassuringly before dabbing them with a napkin and answering the concerned little boy.

“Hey buddy, I’m okay; these are just happy tears. I’m not sad, I promise.” it was half true, I wasn’t sad anymore. He looked at me as though trying to determine if what I’d said was true, before he surprised the heck out of me and jumped into my arms with the tightest most precious hug I’d ever received. He reminded me of my little nephew Matty, who was turning five in a few days. I hugged him back, pleased to welcome the unconditional affection of a child.

“It’s okay, daddy gets sad too.” he whispered reassuringly. This love was too much, I was on the verge of a few more tears when the sound of a very tired, very familiar rumble broke through the quiet Ethan and I had developed once more.

“Ethan!! What did I tell you about running off without…” big Ethan came rushing towards us once again, this time his eyes trained on my own. The frown from earlier today gone, this time replaced by confusion.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, I was talking to my new friend. What’s your name?” the joys of being a kid; you get to walk up to complete strangers, give them a hug and ask their names so you could be friends.

Simpler times.

His father stood silently behind him, obviously understanding that his son was just going to nag him until he agreed to meet and speak to me.

“My name is Andrew Tate, or just Andrew.” I said to the little guy. He smiled the biggest, brightest smile I’d ever seen and stuck out his small hand.

“Nice to meet you, Mr Andrew Tate. My name is Ethan Parker, I’m five and a half years old and I like fish.” I chuckled before reaching for his small hand and shook it.

“Pleasure to meet you, Ethan Parker.” I looked up apologetically to his father and was struck by the intensity of his grey eyes. He looked just about ready to slaughter something, or someone. I cleared my throat, looked away and smiled conspiratorially at Ethan.

“You should probably go now, and don’t give your father a heartache next time, okay? And thank you for the hug, I feel much better now.” Ethan looked crestfallen, but nodded his head before smiling once more for me.

“Okay, I’ll give him a hug also so he can feel better too.” he turned on his heel and was gone like the wind, leaving a very confused me and a very intense Big Ethan behind. I shifted uncomfortably before the slight movement was enough to spur him out of his thoughts. He mumbled what must have been an apology and ran after an already gone Ethan.

“Looks like you have a fan.” the light laugh from Robert reminded me that he was still with me. I looked up at his smiling face and couldn’t help but laugh.

“I can’t help it; kids love me for some reason. I think in my past life I was a parent to ten kids or something, and I loved them all.” I laughed wistfully.

“Maybe even in your present life, who knows.” Robert took a bite out of his food before the pair of us went on with our evening, talking about nothing in particular, avoiding hot topics, and trying to figure our new “relationship” out.

I had a restless night filled with dreams that looked like dreams and felt like dreams, but had a nightmarish undercurrent to them. All I remember was that Robert was there, saving me, taking me and devouring me, before taking me out into the ocean and leaving me to fend for myself. Then a bright grey sun blinded me and a pair of strong hands grabbed me just as I climax before I woke up.

I woke up sweaty, exhausted and excited for a day out on the beach. Robert had suggested we meet there today, just to hang out since he was leaving soon. I’d agreed, with only the slightest hint of apprehension, and now there I was; sunscreen on, eyes closed and shades on under an umbrella on a picturesque beach day.

It was early enough that not too many people had come out just yet, so I had the luxury of a very quiet, very tranquil moment to myself.

“You look peaceful.” that familiar rumble again, I needn’t look up to know who it belonged to.

“I guess I didn’t know how much I needed a vacation until I was actually here.” I said, eyes still closed.

“Why did you come here anyway? I mean, Mexico?” it was then that I opened my eyes and looked over at a sight I’d thankfully forgotten but would never forget again. His body was still a masterpiece. With his smooth bare chest, tanned into a healthy, juicy olive, and his legs long and smooth and muscular, Robert glistened as he spread his long body on its side, facing me, on a chair. His smile was bright, his eyes hungry and serene, the dream came to mind and I felt a stirring deep within I’d tried to snuff out years ago.

“I think it’s coz of the water, I don’t know, but I wanted something different, somewhere new and not familiar. Whatever the reason, I’m glad I came here. And you, why are you here?”

“I’ve always loved this place; my parents honeymooned here and brought us with when we were kids. I remember feeling like everything in the world was just right while playing in that ocean. It’s the happiest memory in my life, next to the memory of when you agreed to be my boyfriend in eighth grade.” he laughed good naturedly at the memory.

“Well I thought you were trying to bully me, took me a whole month to figure out that you weren’t trying to be mean, and two more months after that to pluck up the courage to agree to be friends with you and then you strong-armed me into being your boyfriend after you stole a kiss on the fourth of July.” I laughed heartily at the now vivid memory. This is the Robert I’d missed; the easy going friend I’d grown up with. This was the Robert I had fallen in love with, this is the Robert I was hungry for.

“You were always blind to how many guys secretly wanted to date you; you were always the silent, beautiful boy who kept to himself and lived life on his own terms.”

The memory of the many guys that fawned over him broke through, distracting me, haunting me. The memory of Robert walking seductively over to my best friend at the time, how his strong body jumping onto our bed, draping itself over Mike while his hands caressed every inch of his body, it all came rushing back to me.

“I always knew you wanted me.” Mike had said, I stood there, by the barely closed door, willing my body to move, to do anything, but I was stuck.

“You’re so fucken hot, damn!” Robert had groaned. I watched as he straddled Mike’s chest, as he grabbed Mike’s head full of hair, pulled it towards his protruding member and forced him onto it. The look of pure joy on Robert’s face took my breath away; he’d never looked like that when we were together. He was in his element; he was being worshipped just as he’d always wanted to be. His hard cock glistened with my best friend’s saliva, twitching eagerly as it moved deeper into his mouth.

“Fuck, I want to cum inside that hole.” Robert pulled away and grabbed Mike by the waist.

“Fuck me, Robby; use me big boy.” Mike whined that pathetic whine of his. I felt my skin crawl, I wanted to run, to barge in and to stop this madness, but I couldn’t move.

Robert rubbed his cock over Mike’s ass, pulsing gently against Mike’s hole.

“I’m going to shove this without any preparation, you whore, then I’m going to fuck you until you beg me to stop, but I won’t, you hear me?” Robert growled. He was everything he wanted to be in bed with me, but I wouldn’t let him. He was dominant, demanding, and violent as he thrust without so much as a care for Mike’s feelings. I watched as Robert abused Mike’s ass with each deranged thrust, I watched as Mike begged for him to fuck him harder and faster.

“Fuck me like you fuck Andrew, fuck me like I’m your bitch.” Mike begged, Robert shoved his head against a pillow, shutting him up. I should have been happy, I should have recognised the little part of Robert that still held me sacred and respected me, but I was staring at the man I loved, the man who had promised to love and protect me and to spend every waking moment proving his love for me, fuck another man.

It took them forty five minutes before they’d both cum and were spent. It took me five more to walk downstairs, slam the front as though I’d just walked in and walk up the stairs to find two people who I thought loved me, scurrying to get clothed and apologising in the process.

“Don’t think about it, I was an idiot, fight past those demons.” Robert encouraged while I stared him deep in the eye, praying to get back on my path to healing, but wishing I could slap the shit out of him.

I cleared my throat and my head, smiled at him and continued on with our discussion.

“I don’t remember it that way at all. I remember being the smallest in every class, being terrified that someone would throw me in my locker or attack me in the toilets or whatever. I lived in fear, less so when you were around, but I definitely never had any admirers.” I contested. I was happy with the quiet life I’d lived. I was never the loud one, nor was I the most popular, I was just me. Nobody had ever called me beautiful, except of course Robert when he wanted to get into my pants and in the first two years of our relationship. I was too feminine, too quiet to be of any interest to anyone.

“No, no, no, you were the most beautiful boy in school. How did you not see this? Nobody bullied you because they were entranced by you; the girls thought you were cute. The boys may not have thought much about you, but the ones that swung your way were always trying to get your attention, you just never noticed anything unless it screamed in your face. College was a mess for me, I had to pull more than one guy aside to set them straight or I would have lost you to someone a lot more deserving. You’re incredibly stunning, I hope you know that, Andrew.” his words were a confusing, yet welcome, balm for the ache that had begun to scab over. I’d faced the wound and it was healing.

I was quiet, not willing to engage any further with Robert about this topic, but he wasn’t done yet.

“And last night, you have them pining over you young and old. You have a magic about you that draws people to you, it’s inescapable, you’re a rare find.” his words were soothing, calming, absolving in some way and arousing. I’d never been spoken to, or of, in that way. I turned to him, prepared to risk it all, prepared to let bygones be bygones and drag him to my room when he beat me to it.

“You should fall in love again. Someone deserves to experience the magic that’s you, someone deserves to be lucky enough to deserve you, you deserve to be happy and in love. I hurt you, for that I’m sorry, but you deserve to find something out of this world, you deserve more.” he whispered. Before I could respond, the very familiar shrill of an excited Ethan pierced through the warm air, pulling me out of the moment I was about to have with Robert.

“Andrew!! Daddy look, here he is, this is my friend I was telling you about.” I turned towards an excited Ethan and a very tired looking Big Ethan moving sluggishly behind. Ethan jumped into my arms as you would a long lost friend after years of being separated.

He giggled while I groaned playfully at the assault.

“Ethan buddy, what did we tell you about jumping on…anything really.” he must have had an awful night, because Big Ethan sounded different, exhausted almost, hungover maybe. He moved like a man pulling his weight. His baggy shorts and buttoned up black shirt were a far cry from the shirtless tight trunk wearing man I’d seen the other day. His hair was the same platinum blond, but styled differently, and it was difficult to see his eyes behind those large shades. His chiselled jaw was covered in a gentle five o’clock shadow that still made him handsome, but the mere thought of those piercing grey eyes was enough to elicit a slight shiver down my spine.

“Hi there, my name’s Allan, I’m Ethan’s father. It’s nice to finally meet you.” he leaned forward with his outstretched arm. This couldn’t be the same guy. I mean, it was him, I was sure of it, but he looked, different. Less, him. Maybe I was preoccupied when I’d last seen him, twice already, but I was sure that he was less, rubbery around the middle and more…

“Ah, I see you’ve met my brother, Aaron. We’re twins, fraternal, but close enough that people have to double take to figure out who’s who.” he took off his glasses then and although they could have passed for identical, I could see the differences. Not so much in the face, but in their bodies, and the way they carried themselves.

“Oh, oh wow. That must be cool. I’m sorry, my name’s Andrew.” I leaned forward to accept his outstretched hand. His grip was soft, a little noncommittal and no sooner had we shook hands he was sitting on the beach chair next to mine.

“Andrew likes the ocean too, daddy. He likes to stand and pray and he likes to…” Ethan rambled excitedly on while his father groaned before interjecting.

“That’s nice. Ethan. Why don’t you go build sandcastles and I’ll be with you in a minute.” Allan suggested. Ethan squealed before running off to build himself an empire on sand.

“Not too far, buddy. I swear that kid has enough energy to run me into early retirement.”

“He’s definitely a spirited little guy, but he has a big heart.”

“Yeah, get’s it from his mother, god…” he cleared his throat, before turning to face me.

“I’ve heard a great deal about you, you seem to have quite a fan base. You here on your own?” he smirked knowingly. His grey eyes were just as intense as that of his brother’s, but his held an air of mischief that was absent from Aaron’s. I felt under the spot, I didn’t know how to react.

“Oh well, I actually…” I turned to look at Robert, but he’d disappeared. Looking further up the beach, I saw his retreating back moving further away. The stab of disappointment was only just replaced by the sound of Allan’s light laughter.

“I’m sorry for prying, it’s just Ethan’s taken a liking to you and…uhm… what I mean to say is… oh god I’m not a very good wingman right now, not in the state I’m in.” He settled back down on the chair, allowing the exhaustion to take over his body. Nothing he said made any sense, but Ethan’s delightful squeal pulled me away from the clearly hungover man beside me.

“Rough night I take.”

“Rough four years. It’s the anniversary of my wife’s death; Ethan’s mother.” Just then he sounded like a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders. The sound of anguish crept into his voice and before he could say anything else, he put on his shades and retreated from the world.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” was all I could say. Loss had touched me a long time ago; my parents had abandoned my sister and me when we were kids. We’d moved from foster home to foster home until she’d become my legal guardian. I didn’t have it in me to miss them anymore than they missed me.

“It’s still hard; more so because I know Ethan misses her so much. I miss her too, but my son, he needs a mother, his mother. We do this every year, as a way to distract him, but it’s getting harder and harder.” his voice cracked in the end, going quieter and quieter with each word. I turned to face him before speaking.

“You’re a father, your instinct is to protect him from the world, and loss is an ugly part of the world so it’s okay to want to shield him from it. But you’re also human, also a grieving husband and a man; you need to allow yourself to grieve and accept the loss of your wife so you can best help Ethan begin grieving once the reality hits him, and it will. He’s too young to fully understand it now, but when he’s older, he’ll feel it then and he’ll need you good and ready, and strong enough to help him through it.”

“It’s just so hard; I don’t know how to get through the days without her. He’s just like her; loving, kind, honest, open to the world, I look at him and I see her every day, and I lose her every day. I just…” he wept openly, the kind of weeping pulled from a place teeming with raw untapped pain. I sat up and faced him, allowing him his moment, allowing his tears to fall and his wounds to show before doing what I can to begin his healing process, just as mine had begun.

“It’s okay, let it out, it’s unfair, it really is. You had an entire life planned, a beautiful family to grow and now it’s just you and your son, I know. Let it hurt, let it all out, but don’t let it consume you. You have an incredibly resilient son, who loves even when he has lost and you have a support system ready to hold you up if you feel like crumbling down, it’s okay. You had her when you needed her, and she left you the most precious gift you could have ever asked for.” just then Ethan laughed heartily at his collapsing tower, before working to build it back up.

“And you had a chance to say goodbye. You had your moment with her, you had your farewell. She loved you ’till the very end and she’ll forever be with you.” I wasn’t sure if what I was saying would help or if it was true, but he needed the words of encouragement.

“He’s right, she said her goodbye, just as you were able to; rest easy knowing that she’s in a better place now.” The soft rumble from who I now knew as Aaron moved through me like the warm tides of the Indian ocean. I looked up to find his intense grey eyes staring into my pale blue ones. I couldn’t figure him out; was he mad at me for something, or what? Aaron cleared his throat and looked down at his brother, while gently rubbing his arm.

“Maybe you should go back to your room, I’ll stay behind and keep an eye on Ethan.” Allan sniffled and nodded before pulling himself up and moving towards the resort.

There I was, sitting next to the frowning hot guy who is actually Ethan’s uncle, who for some reason disliked me.

“Thank you for that.” he finally said. I couldn’t turn to look at him; for fear that he’d probably be frowning.

“It’s nothing.” I mumbled, keeping an eye out on the very entertained Ethan and his growing sandcastle village.

“It’s a lot more than anyone has done, including myself. Thank you.” This time I turned to face him. His frown had disappeared and was now replaced with a softer, less apprehensive and offended look. He was beautiful, truly beautiful in the manly man kind of way. Something about the way his body naturally looked athletic without it trying too hard had me needing to snuggle closer to him, to have his arms wrapped around me. He was inviting, warm and…

“I’m sorry if I appeared…cold. It’s just, I’m protective over Ethan and, he’s very trusting and the world is filled with all sorts of people, I just didn’t want him to get mixed up with..” he blushed, probably because he was trying to tell me that he wasn’t sure if I was a child predator so he had to keep me at arm’s length, but now he trusts me a little more.

“It’s okay. I have a nephew who’s around his age and I would snap necks and ask questions later if I felt like anything untoward might even be sniffing in his direction.” he smiled knowingly then, opening up a little more to me, it was beautiful to watch him unfurl before me. He brightened up and appeared younger, probably in his late twenties.

“I’m Aaron by the way.” he reached out his hand.

“I’m Andrew.” he already knew that, but formal introductions hadn’t been made. At first contact, my entire body shivered. There was something about this man, something frighteningly right about this gloriously gorgeous man that shook me in ways I hadn’t expected. Not even Robert had been able to pull such a carnal reaction from me.

His eyes grew darker, his breathing more laboured and his grip tighter while we stared into each other’s eyes.

“Hey Uncle Aaron, I want to go swim.” Ethan came running towards us, bouncing like a sugar high energizer bunny. Aaron reluctantly let go and turned towards his nephew.

“Looks like we’re going shark hunting.” he growled playfully at Ethan before standing to his full height, taking off his shirt to expose that glorious hairy chest and abs with a delicious treasure trail moving confidently to depths I wouldn’t have minded seeing, and picking up the little guy.

“Come on Uncle Andrew, come hunt sharks with us.” Ethan squealed. I liked the sound of that, it warmed the cockles of my heart. I turned to look for Robert one more time but found no sight of him. That was when I noticed Aaron’s outstretched hand and his mischievous grin.

“Come on, Uncle Andrew, join us while we hunt sharks.” the warmth in his smile had my heart skipping a beat. Ethan looked at me with the hope of a kid on the night before Christmas and I couldn’t find it in me to refuse. I grabbed hold of Aaron’s hand and off the three of us went.

The water was warm, the company was even warmer. Ethan laughed, tumbled along with the waves, I held onto him, he clung onto me, I tumbled with the waves as well, Aaron held onto both of us, we all laughed while in Aaron’s arms, everything was perfect.

“I like you, Uncle Andrew, you make uncle Aaron laugh.” yawned little Ethan, his eyes growing heavier while in both my and Aaron’s arms. I looked at the little guy, my heart growing bigger just by knowing him and his family. I looked up at Aaron, to find him staring at me just as intensely as before. What was once misconstrued as a frown, turned out to be hunger. His grey eyes shone with it, like a predator staring into the eyes of his prey. His lips, full and pink inched closer. The air around us disappeared, my heart beat faster, his foot moved over my own underwater, and something hard and substantial rubbed against my waist, and just as I was about to close my eyes, the glimmer of a platinum wedding band broke the spell.

I turned towards it, stared at the glaringly bright band and turned back to Aaron.

“I should go.” I whispered before handing an already fast asleep Ethan to a confused Aaron.

“Wait, what just…” before he could finish his sentence, I knew that strong Andrew who wasn’t a push over and who refused to be used needed to make an appearance again.

“I’m sorry, Aaron, I just recently got over a really bad relationship with someone who used me. It took me a while to forgive him or even understand everything, but I finally have and with that came the realisation that I won’t be used anymore. You’re a great uncle to an incredible little boy, but you’re also married and I won’t be someone’s secret fling while it hurts someone who has no idea what’s happening behind their back. So because of that, I have to go.” I felt good about myself, stronger because I was able to take back my power and to stand up for myself. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t have to. I turned the other way and made my way to my chair before heading over to the resort.

This is why I’d come here; Robert’s arrival had opened up a door to my healing and because of it, I was thankful.

It might not happen tonight, but I was now ready to move on.

I was at the bar waiting for my table to be made available, content with being by my own, not really hoping for anyone to join me, but was pleasantly surprised when Robert took the seat beside me.

“You look like the Andrew I knew when we first got together. There’s hope in your eyes.” he said, his voice smooth, lighter, not as heavy and as gruff as I remembered it, but calming and a lot more measured.

“Thank you, I feel… I don’t know, stronger maybe. I think I should thank you for that.” I turned towards him. He was wearing a cream white linen shirt with long beige pants that clung to him beautifully. Although he was stunning to look at, and his body begged to be touched, I felt nothing remotely sexual towards him. I was able to appreciate his beauty and let it be, without wanting to climb him. It’s also worth mentioning that I no longer wanted to kill him; that was a major achievement on my part as well.

“I’m glad, but all I did was what I should have done a long time ago; I restored you to the beautiful boy you were before I corrupted you.” his eyes were downcast while shame fluttered across his strong features.

“You didn’t corrupt me; you opened my eyes and showed me love. It wasn’t perfect, but it was love.” I shook my head at him.

“I don’t entirely agree with you, but I’ll take it; if only to have one last meal together.” there was a sadness to the way he spoke, in the way he stared off into the distance, and the sound of his voice.

“You still haven’t told me where you’re going, what if I want to hang out?” I knew then that there would never be anything romantic between Robert and me. It took me such a long time to get over what he’d done, and on some level I don’t think I’ll ever forget it, but I can comfortably say that I’m on the road to recovery.

“I think it’s best if we keep things as is; I want you to remember me as I am today. I wouldn’t want to sully the good image I’ve just cultivated with you.” his smile brought a light to him that was almost angelic. He took my breath away, his smile, his golden halo of hair, his bright green eyes, his energy, he was magnificent.

“Let’s eat.” he took my hand and led me to our table. To say the meal was extraordinary would be a great understatement. We laughed, we cried, we consoled one another, we tore down walls and rebuilt what had been broken down by past injustices.

Towards the end of our meal, the mood changed; a tear escaped down the side of his face, he did nothing but look at me as though he’d never seen me before.

“You’re extraordinarily beautiful, you know that?” the reverence in his voice brought tears to my eyes; I’ll never tire of the way he called me beautiful.

“I’m nothing special, but thank you.” I said shyly.

“You should give him a chance; he’ll be good for you, and you’ll be good for him.”

“Who?”

“He’s just as afraid as you are, don’t let him hide from you, don’t run from him either. If your experience with me has taught you anything, it’s that you deserve to fight for your happiness, and he’ll bring it to you, Andrew.” his eyes glistened while he seemed to stare right through me. I’d never been looked at so candidly, never felt so vulnerable in someone’s eyes. It was unnerving and oddly freeing to know that I can’t hide from him, I can be myself and he’d stay.

“Who are you talking about…?” before I could finish the question, my now favourite squeal interrupted us once again, as I turned to face a running Ethan. Launching himself at me, he gave me one of his incredibly tight hugs before looking into my eyes with one of his most beautiful smiles.

“I missed you after the beach, Uncle Andrew. You want to eat with me and Uncle Aaron? Dad is asleep, but he isn’t so sad anymore.” Ethan was an effervescent ball of energy, I swear that kid could power a small country.

“I don’t know, little guy, I don’t want to come in between you and your uncle having some quality time together.” he sat on my lap and frowned while I tried tickling him, but he wouldn’t budge.

“No fair, I want to have dinner with you.” his large eyes began to water and I found myself unsure of what to do next. The worst thing in the world is having someone else’s kid cry in your arms, you feel like an absolute monster.

“Don’t worry, Ethan, Uncle Andrew is more than welcome to have dinner with us; I’ll even beg him on my knees if I have to.” if I thought the way Robert looked at me was special, the way Aaron looked at me made me feel like the most important person in the world. With his hands in his pockets and his hair gently swaying with each step he took, Aaron sauntered over towards me with the prowess of a lion, his eyes an exotic mix of hunger and fear and his body a radiant yellow.

He kneeled before me, staring deep in my eyes, his left hand clasped over my right, each finger gloriously naked, before he spoke.

“So what do you say, will you make this very single uncle and his adorable nephew the happiest people in this resort and have dinner with us?” Ethan giggled, my breath hitched and Aaron’s adam’s apple bobbed nervously while I thought it through. I turned towards Robert, only to find his seat empty, turning back to a hopeful looking Aaron, I couldn’t resist.

“Sure.” I whispered, and that was the beginning of a night I would never forget.

The food was great, I ate very little, mostly grabbing bites from Aaron’s plate to Ethan’s delight and the night was filled with laughs, jokes and teasing. I felt at home with the pair of them, I felt whole. The feeling was foreign, it was new to me and it took some getting used to, but I liked it. Ethan grew fonder of me with each second and begged me to come to his birthday at the end of the year. It was an easy promise to make since they lived only twenty minutes from my condo.

That came as not only a surprise, but an exciting one when Aaron’s eyes never left my own when he mentioned the possibility of a few visits and strolls through the park. Before my very eyes, my life had begun being mapped out; a future I hadn’t even dared imagine took form and I was excited about it. I was scared shitless, sure, but the prospect of a future where I could actually be happy, filled me with such hope my face could split open.

“I think it’s time we took you to bed, buddy.” Aaron spoke softly to a yawning Ethan, all while his eyes remained on me. Come to think of it, I don’t remember him ever looking away, nor do I remember ever breaking eye contact. So it was settled; we either wanted to kill each other, or we wanted to do some very adult things to one another. I was hoping for the latter.

“I’m not…tired.” he yawned again, eyes closed and small arms clinging to the side of my chest.

“It’s okay, little man, we’ll take you up.” I whispered in his ear. He must have liked the idea because he climbed up onto my lap, lay his head on my shoulder and clung onto me for dear life while his little snores rumbled against my chest.

Holding onto a very asleep Ethan, Aaron and I made our way to their room in silence. I’m not sure if it was because we didn’t want to wake Ethan up, or if we were too nervous about what would happen after we’d put him to bed.

No matter the reasons, it was time. We walked into their shared room, put the cute guy to bed and walked out slowly before turning the lights out and closing the door behind us.

We stood out in the hallway, not sure of what the next moves were, before Aaron took charge.

“Do you want to take a walk along the beach?” so maybe he did want to kill me, either way, if I got to die in his arms, I was okay.

“Sure.” it was a no brainer. We took off until we were by the ocean. The sky was clear, the waxy crescent moon hung brilliantly above a faintly starry sky and the waves lapped gently against the shore. It was perfect.

“I’m not married.” he finally said.

“So why the ring?”

“When I’m with my brother and nephew, I’m on family mode. I’m not looking for anything, not looking for people hitting on me and I definitely am not looking to hook up. They’ve been through a lot, I just want to be there for them. So I wear a wedding band to ward off any oncoming trouble.” he explained with barely a breath between words.

“You say it like it’s garlic or wolfsbane.” I covered my burning excitement with a joke to throw him off my trail. We continued walking in silence, hands touching but afraid to take it any further and staring out into the rolling dunes and the flat shoreline while the waves caressed sensually against the dark, cool sand.

“I guess I’m a little on edge, not really myself a little because of an ex of mine that’s on the resort. The break up was horrible, barely a break up, more like he just walked out on me after years of being cheated on and treated like crap. I guess, when I saw your ring, I thought you were more of the same and…I’m just only coming back into myself, I didn’t want to ruin it by being someone else’s plaything.” the words left my lips just as quickly as I’d thought of them. I didn’t know why I spoke so candidly about my life to a guy I’d just met, but I felt comfortable around him. Plus, he made me feel things I’d long forgotten I could feel.

It was in that moment that those feelings came bubbling up once again.

“I’m sorry to hear that. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I ever mistreated someone like you. Not to be forward or anything, but you’re the kind of guy someone starts a family with, you’re the kind of guy a man would fight ’til the death for, I wouldn’t use you, I’d celebrate you everyday.” his words woke something within me, something that had remained dormant for years and that was ready to come alive.

“I probably sound crazy forward right now, but…” I didn’t even give him a chance to complete his sentence before I grabbed hold of his face and placed my lips gently against his own. The kiss was slow, tentative, careful and uncertain, until he pulled me closer to him and opened his mouth to where his tongue snaked its way through my open mouth and began exploring the depths of me. It had been a while since I was last taken the way he’d taken me right then, under the stars, beside one of the most beautiful oceans in the world.

Pulling back, I looked into his lust glazed eyes and made my decision right there and then.

“Want to come up to my room?” without a word, he pulled me into his arms, kissed me one last time before grabbing me until he had his right arm under my knees and his left around my back, while I clung onto his neck and shoulders. He ran with the speed of a man running towards salvation, through the lobby, down the hallway and through the door into my room before he gently let me down on my bed.

We didn’t have time for ceremony or nerves, it was on.

He tore off his clothing, while I tore off my own and within seconds we were both naked. If I thought the man was beautiful from the chest up, from the waist down he was a work of art. His legs were long, muscular without being too corded and rigid, his thighs were powerful and his cock stood proudly with a gentle curve down at an impressive 9 and a half inches (I asked).

“I’m going to make you feel so good, I’ll be the only man you ever think about for the rest of your life.” he promised while moving slowly towards me. The way he looked at me, the way his extraordinarily large low-hanging balls swung behind his thick bouncing cock and the way his thick pecs rose and fell with each step have me quivering for him to enter and consume me. He kneeled on the bed, crawled towards me while staring deep into my eyes. I’d never felt so trapped and so turned on by a man in all my life; I wanted him inside, around and behind me all at once.

“I’m going to make sure you enjoy every second of it, and I’m going to make you beg for me, for more.” his promises were simply promises, but something told me that he had every intention of fulfilling them.

Instead of thinking it through, I surrendered to my wants and desires and the man before me. Before moving further up my body, I watched Aaron devour my modest 7 inch hard cock and bob wantonly without flinching over my cock. The sensation was otherworldly; I’d missed this so damn much. He spent a few minutes working me up into a sweat before he let go of my now bright pink penis and kissed slowly up my body.

“So beautiful.” kiss

“So special.” kiss.

“Wanted you…” kiss.

“From the first moment…” kiss

“I laid my eyes on you.” He kissed me on the lips. He took my soul with those last few words and that accompanying kiss. It was perfect. I couldn’t take it anymore; I needed to taste him, all of him. I wormed my way from beneath him and made sure he was on his back.

“My turn.” I said, my confidence wavering because the last time I’d done anything like this, the love of my life had walked out on me that very night. Aaron must have sensed something was amiss before he placed both his hands on my face while I straddled his chest.

“Hey, don’t worry, we can stop if you want to, I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do, but I also won’t go anywhere either way this pans out. You have my word on that.” he was so sincere, so honest, so attentive…I was ready for him. With a slight nod, I made my way down his body; enjoying the feel of his warm skin against my lips. If I thought he looked beautiful before, he tasted even better.

If his skin tasted this good, I wondered what the best part of his body tasted like.

I finally made my way to his goliath of a cock. I took a deep breath and dove straight down for it. His uncut beauty flared open for me as his foreskin pulled back, revealing a lusciously pink mushroom head that was frighteningly large, topped off with a growing bead of clear nectar. One swipe of my tongue and I was addicted.

I wasted no time after that, he was buried as deep in my throat as he could go.

“Ah fuck.” he groaned, barely believing that a petite guy such as me could take him so easily into my throat. I felt every ridge and bump as my tongue moved languidly over his richly veined organ, I felt every pulse and pump as my throat contracted rhythmically over his powerful flesh. I felt powerful and I felt desired as his body vibrated with every bob of my head, his hands moved undecidedly over my face and head while my own explored the strength of the body before me. I moved over the gentle ridges from his abs and the hairs that consumed his powerful chest as I tweaked his beautiful nipples.

“Oh god, yes Andrew; take all of it, suck my hard cock.” his moans were like music, my hands and mouth were conducting an orchestra and it was a sweaty, twitchy, beautiful melody. I couldn’t get enough of him, his cock in my mouth wasn’t enough, I needed more; I wanted to be taken by him wholly. I pulled off and looked into his hooded, desperate eyes.

“I want you inside me.” I should have been ashamed; I’d only just met this man and I wanted him to fuck me, but I wasn’t. If this was only for one night, if he was the first of many, or the first and only before the last, then so be it; I was going to take him into me and I was going to enjoy it.

“I spent two years hiding, spent two years in limbo and now I’m ready to live my life again. I want you, Aaron, I need you inside me, fucking me, taking me, opening me.” I begged, crawling over him, gliding over his sweat glistened body, grabbing his hands and rolling my hips and sweat slickened ass over his pulsing organ.

“Oh god, you have no idea how badly I want this, but…we don’t have anything.” his eyes barely focused while my body slid rhythmically over his own, the head of his cock gliding over my tight entrance. I felt him shudder with every stroke; he wanted this just as much as I needed it.

“We have all we need right here. This is out of character for me, but I don’t care about protection right now; I get tested regularly out of habit because my ex was kind of a slut, and I haven’t been with anyone in over two years.” I moaned, just as affected by his hands on my hips while his hot flesh knocked gently against the opening of my hole. I wanted him to take me, to erase the memory of my first and only sexual partner, to cleanse me from within and to make me new.

“I’m a doctor, so I’m kind of a mild hypochondriac and I get tested often. I haven’t been with someone in over four months, it’s been slow going, but, oh shit.” I didn’t need to hear anything from him; I just wanted him inside me. His precum slick juicy head inched its way into my tight ass at my instruction. I was impatient; it had been too long and I may have rushed things, but we were here and this was happening.

“Oh shit, oh my god, take it easy, babe. Don’t hurt yourself, shit you didn’t even let me prepare you for me, shit, so fucking tight.” his head shook from side to side. The feel of his flesh burning its way past my defences was intoxicating. The sound of his laboured breathing was exciting, and his shaking hands made me feel both powerful and secured. He held onto me for dear life, gripping my hips bruisingly while the head of his cock finally made its way past my tight ring and as fire spread through my veins.

“Oh god, yes!” I moaned, desperate to carry on, but shaking from the agonising effort it took to take lead while my body screamed for him to get out. He must have sensed this because he used his powerful body to flip us so I was on my back and he was kneeling above me, between my legs.

“Let me take over, baby.” his husky voice rumbled seductively while he rolled his hips to further stretch my already stretched out hole. I had the largest cock I’d ever seen making its way into my guts, burrowing deeper into me, forging a new path and erasing any trace left by Robert and his organ.

“Don’t worry, I’m going to make you feel good, baby.” Aaron moaned as he sank deeper into me, kissing me. My entire body vibrated with hunger, I was delirious with need and I couldn’t wait anymore.

“Please, fuck me, Aaron. I need this.” I begged. He was almost all the way in, his slow pace no longer because he wanted to be careful, but because he was teasing me, making sure I knew who was in charge, understanding that it was him and his cock that I needed, milking every ounce of veneration he could get from the writhing mess underneath him.

“You want this cock deep inside you, baby?” he growled as another inch made its way painfully slowly inside me. I moaned pleadingly.

“Yes, please, please.” I didn’t care, I wanted him, I was desperate for him.

“You want me to own you, to make this ass mine, to fuck you like you’ve never been fucked before?” he taunted, hips rolling, his cock digging an inch deeper and my legs wrapped around him. I couldn’t take it anymore, I opened my eyes and stared deep into his.

“Please, Aaron; I need this.” a tear fell past my defences, my lips quivered and his cloudy grey eyes widened before burning into me with determination. He didn’t take his time, he slammed the remaining inches into me and wasted no time in boring himself into my being.

“I’m going to ruin you for anybody else. I’m going to fuck you so good you’ll never need anybody else.” I ignored his promises and what they implied; I didn’t want him to promise me forever, I didn’t want him to potentially let me down, I just wanted him to seal the deal and finally erase the ache and emptiness I’d allowed myself to feel for so long.

His strokes were powerful, his hips thrusting repeatedly into my willing body. I couldn’t help but compare them, and Robert paled in comparison to the way Aaron consumed me, the way he took hold of me and slammed thoughtfully against my prostate so I could cleave what little pleasure I could from our coupling.

“Fuck, cum for me baby.” he demanded as his hard flesh slammed repeatedly against my tender prostate. My legs shook, weakening and laying slack beside him.

“Oh fuck, oh fuck, Aaron, fuck me, fuck me!” I screamed, drawing nearer to a mind numbing orgasm with every thrust inside me. Time stood still for just a second, Aaron disappeared and above me was a smiling Robert. He wasn’t a mess like I was; he looked serene, considerate, calm, and beautiful. He thrust into me gently, moving into me like he’d never done before. He was apologising again, but this time, he was fixing something he’d broken within me, he was finally making things right, he was saying goodbye.

“I’m sorry I never appreciated you like I should have.” he thrust into me, I moaned silently, my body on fire while he stared at me adoringly.

“I was the one who was never good enough; you were the one who deserved more. I’m sorry, I love you.” he whispered as I drew nearer to a glorious orgasm. His green eyes growing brighter with each passing second, his large cock digging deeper into me, milking every bit of pleasure out of me, pushing me deeper into that painfully beautiful abyss that I’d missed for so long.

“Now cum for me, baby.” his voice now a heady mix between his gentle rumble and Aaron’s fiery rasp, I closed my eyes and came. My entire body came along with me; my muscles tensed, my arms stiffened, my legs remained slack, my hole tightened and my eyes finally flew open as ropes of cum sprayed maniacally between our bodies.

Robert was gone and Aaron’s beautiful face remained, screwed up in pleasure, desperate for his own release.

“Oh god, Aaron, yes, fuck me, cum inside me, baby.” I felt released, renewed and reinvigorated. Aaron did just that, with one final pulse, he came like a fire hydrant inside me. His juices flooded my insides and the feeling was enough to draw another orgasm from me.

It didn’t take us long to finally lay beside each other in a tired heap of sweaty, cum filled, and tangled messy limbs, breathing hard and spent to exhaustion.

“Wow, that was…life altering.” Aaron said. I stroked his chest while snuggling closer to him, my mind moving.

“Yeah, it was incredible.” I meant it; it was the best sex I’d ever had, the most important sex I’d ever had. It was life altering indeed. I felt Aaron turn towards me.

“You were gone there for a second, where’d you go?” I didn’t expect him to notice. I couldn’t lie to him; I couldn’t start whatever this was and whatever it was meant to be off on a deceitful foot.

“I saw Robert.”

“In here?” he looked up and around, wondering if an intruder had walked in on us. I shook my head before pulling him back down beside me.

“Above me, in your place. It was weird, he was apologising and I was just, staring and…I’m sorry, it was weird, but good weird and…ugh I don’t know.” I couldn’t explain my feelings to a man I barely knew, a man who barely understood what Robert and I had and what we’d been through. Aaron reached over and pulled me towards him, I looked into his eyes before he spoke.

“I get it; in the few days he’s been here at the resort, he became the man you always needed him to be, so when you finally jumped that final hurdle and welcomed someone into your bed, it’s only natural that you would want to jump that hurdle with him.”

“But that’s the thing, I don’t want to. I loved him, I always will, but I was able to let him go finally and I was able to think of him as part of my past, but not my present or future.”

“I hope I get to be part of that future, more specifically your present, because I wouldn’t mind having another go if you’re up to it.” his mischievous grin did what his body had done not too long ago, it cleansed me of all things Robert and I was ready, just as he was, to move forward once again. And move forward we did, four more times and it was amazing.

I was at the bar, my body gloriously aching from a night full of passion and exploration. I expected nothing from Aaron, but I was thankful for his part in my healing. I took a sip of my orange juice and closed my eyes, trying to feel each and every pulsing ache and remembering their origins.

“You came to say goodbye.” that familiar rumble, the one that would always have a special place in my heart pulled a small smile from me. I turned towards him, as beautiful as ever.

“I was planning on staying the full week, but my nephew’s birthday is today and I wouldn’t want to miss it for the world, and I think I got what I came for.”

“I hope I was able to help.” he smiled knowingly.

“You were. I forgive you, thank you.”

“I should be thanking you; you finally gave me a chance to say goodbye.”

“I was finally ready to hear it.” there was a moment of silence between us. We were finally parting ways, hopefully as friends and not the enemies I felt we’d become.

“Goodbye, Andrew.” he finally said with the widest smile I’d ever seen on him.

“Goodbye, Robert.” I smiled back. There was nothing more left to say. I pulled him into a hug, enjoying that spicy vanilla smell of his and pulled away. With a final nod, I turned away and left.

“I look forward to your future with him; he’s going to treat you so well it’s going to scare you, but love him.” he shouted as I retreated. It was done, I’d said my goodbye, I’d begun my healing and now I was ready to face the world a man made new.

I’d left a letter for both Ethan and Aaron, not a Robert kind of letter, a letter apologising for my departure but explaining that my now five year old nephew was having his birthday and I needed to be there. I explained how happy I was to have met them and how I would like to hang out sometime when we’re all back in New Jersey. I thanked Aaron for everything (without revealing too much) and gave him my number, just in case.

I was happy, I was free, and I was ready to take on the world and realise my dreams.

One week later.

“So this is where you come to clear your mind?” Aaron stared off into the calm waters of my very rocky, very cold beach; the one I always found myself coming back to, the one that had been my rock for the better part of two years.

“Yeah, not so much now, but back then I always found myself drawn back to this place.” I looked up at him. He was respectful, sure he didn’t get it, but he didn’t have to and he knew that. He’d given me a call the very same day I’d left Mexico, we’d spoken for hours over the phone, traded infinite texts, I’d had a lengthy call from a very angry Ethan and I’d made a promise to take him to the zoo, he loved that. Aaron had made it clear he was going to pursue me, hard; I’d been scared, but I finally relented.

This was our first date, more like the precursor to our first date; a walk along the beach and then tonight will be dinner for two.

“If it kept you sane, then it’s my new favourite place too.” he said reassuringly. I could see myself falling in love with this man. He was kind, considerate, an expert love maker and he was beautiful. Most of all, he wanted me. I could definitely see myself falling for this man.

“Andrew, dear?” I turned toward the elderly voice to find Mrs Polizzi, Robert’s grandmother, led by Robert’s youngest cousin, Amanda.

“Gra’ma Polizzi, it’s been years. How are you doing?”

“I’m old, baby butterfly, but I’m surviving; thanks to the help of my grand children who need to be bribed to take an old lady out of the house every once in a while.” Amanda rolled her eyes and Aaron, gra’ma Polizzi and I laughed heartily. She was always my favourite in Robert’s family; she was the wisest and there was always something about her that seemed otherworldly.

They called her crazy for a time, but they were just afraid that she spoke so candidly about the things she saw that they didn’t understand.

“This is Dr Aaron Parker, he’s a good friend of mine.” I introduced Aaron to the still spritely matriarch of the Polizzi family. He shook her hand in introduction and she smiled mischievously at me.

“He’s definitely one to keep, look at the size of his hands; I bet he has one of the biggest…”

“Gra’ma!” a blushing Amanda interrupted before gra’ma was able to embarrass Aaron any further, but this was part of her charm, part of why I loved her so much.

“I don’t know what you might consider ‘biggest’, but he certainly takes some getting used to.” I snickered along with gra’ma, to Aaron’s embarrassed delight and Amanda’s shock.

“I’m happy to see you again, baby butterfly; I’ve missed you.” she considered me as we continued our joint walk down the rocky shore. Her light green eyes dulled slightly while her hand held onto my own with renewed strength.

“I’ve missed you too, I should see you more often, Gra’ma, you always have the best advice.” and I meant it, now that Robert and I had resolved our differences, I was okay to see some of his family again.

“That I do.” she chuckled softly.

“Gra’ma Polizzi, I have to know, why do you call Andrew baby butterfly?” I knew the story, barely understood it myself, but I never once argued with her when she’d first given me the moniker.

“Well, when I’d first met Andrew, he was the most beautiful boy I’d ever seen. At eleven he was turning heads because of his uniqueness and my Robert was smitten from the word go. In Andrew, however, I recognised a beauty still not yet realised, a strength he had yet to tap into and it reminded me of a butterfly. He was young then, but he’s still a baby to me, my baby butterfly, who seems to have blossomed and come into his own.” she had tears in her eyes, as did Amanda, it was a touching scene, made even better by Aaron’s hand over my own.

“Speaking of Robert, I hope he’s okay; I was able to see him in Mexico and we were able to resolve a lot of our problems and get over some of the things that haunted us both. It was a good trip, I was happy to see him. I hope he’s good, I’ve tried calling him but I don’t know if he’s changed his number or if it was disconnected. I was hoping you’d thank him for me, again.” my smile faded when both Amanda and Gra’ma stopped dead in their tracks, with tears streaming from their eyes.

“How did…how did my Robby look?” she smiled faintly, but her eyes wore a sadness that ran through me like an arctic wind in my veins.

“He looked good, really good. I mean I don’t look at him that way anymore, but he looked beautiful.” Aaron smiled encouragingly down at me while Amanda took a step back and turned towards the ocean and openly wept.

“Oh that’s, that’s good.” Gra’ma Polizzi wiped the tears from her eyes, but they kept coming. I moved closer to her, wrapped an arm around her and pulled her closer to me.

“What’s wrong, did something happen to Robert?” I was confused. Something was off, I knew it in my gut.

“Robert…Robert passed away, baby.” Gra’ma spoke and my breathing stopped.

“I mean, wait…I just, we were just…was it in Mexico? Was it when he got back? What happened?” my eyes had begun to water; I couldn’t believe nor could I understand it.

“He wasn’t in Mexico, baby, he passed away three weeks ago, from pancreatic cancer.” I knew what her words were saying, I understood what they meant, but I didn’t understand what…I just didn’t get it. Something was definitely wrong here.

“No, no that’s not true. I was there with him, we spoke, I slapped him that first day and we were at the bar together and at dinner…Aaron, you saw us, that first night when I was with him and you and Ethan came by and you gave me that death glare.” I chuckled mirthlessly, pleading for Aaron to corroborate my truth. I knew I hadn’t imagined it, he was there, I’d seen him, touched him, hugged him, we’d spoken and we’d made up. He was my friend again, I couldn’t have made that up.

“I wasn’t giving you a death glare, I was…I wanted to kill whoever made you cry. I can’t explain it, I felt protective, I had no right to, but I did. And as for your ex, I never met him; you were always on your own at the table, babe.” I took a step back, pulling away from both Aaron and Gra’ma Polizzi. They were lying, both of them, Robert was there, he was definitely there.

“I’m not crazy, I saw him, he was there; I remember it.”

“I took his ashes to Puerto Vallarta a week and a half ago, it was always a happy place for him, it was what he wanted, the rest I spread over here.” Amanda finally spoke, pointing out into the ocean before us. I turned from Amanda to the ocean, back to Aaron and finally gra’ma. They were lying, they must have been.

“No, you’re lying, I’m not…”

“You’re not insane, baby butterfly, you didn’t see things, you never imagined him; he was there. He’s always loved you, even after he left you, after he tried hiding behind the sexing and the drinking and then he fell ill in the last year and he still couldn’t escape you. He loved you until the day he died. You were all he spoke about, all he ever cried over, all he ever remembered, you were his everything. I don’t understand why he left, why he ran or did the things he did, but you were the love of his life.”

“Then… why didn’t anyone call me, why didn’t anyone tell me about it, why wasn’t I invited to the funeral?”

“Because he assured us that he was going to say goodbye to you himself. His final wishes were for us to respect him, to understand that all will be well and that he will make things right with you…and he did.”

“But how, he died and…”

“He came to you, to make things right with you because without healing you he would not find peace. He loved you in life and in death, baby. It was forgiveness and love that brought him to you; you needed to forgive him, he needed to hear it to move on and he needed to say goodbye, you needed to say goodbye.” Gra’ma looked up into the skies as she said this, a wistful look in her eyes.

“But… but…” it still didn’t make sense, it couldn’t have.

“Take it for what it was, for what you experienced. You don’t have to try and make sense of it, just be thankful that you had those final moments with him. He did right by you, whether you accept it or not.” Gra’ma turned to me, squeezed my hand and turned to leave with Amanda.

“I expect to see you for Sunday dinner sometime, baby butterfly. Then you can tell me all about my grandson’s visit.” with her arm through Amanda’s, I watched the pair of them walk off while Aaron held me against his chest. I still couldn’t believe it, nor did I want to, but a part of me couldn’t deny it.

“I saw him.” I finally said.

“You did.” he finally said. I looked up at him, expecting judgement, but found his glistening eyes instead.

“He came to you, he drew you to this place, where a piece of him remains and drew you to Mexico, where another piece of him remains, because he wanted one last goodbye, to do right by you and to help heal you.”

“You believe me?” I looked into his watery eyes, falling deeper into him.

“I do, because I’m thankful that he did. If he hadn’t, then I wouldn’t be holding you like this, right here. If he hadn’t, then I wouldn’t have met you and I wouldn’t be imagining a future with you. He was there baby, he was in the water.” with my head against Aaron’s chest, I turned to face the ocean, the cold water, the place I’d been drawn to for some reason.

“Thank you.” I whispered to the ocean, hoping that whatever was listening heard me, hoping that Robert had heard, hoping that he was with me, and hoping that he remained in the water so I may immerse myself in him and he may watch over my future for as long as I may live.

THE END.