Cheesy grin. “We worked pretty late, I just wanted to…”
“Come on, there’s pizza in the fridge, as well as your choice of beverages,” I pointed kitchen-ward. Why was I doing this? I should have politely thanked him for stopping by, see you tomorrow at work, please don’t worry, no harm assumed. It was like offering a starving puppy a steak, and I think part of me knew that. The part that makes me feel like a creep.
He bounded inside my apartment toward the kitchen. Chance Ruhlig, teutonic boy außergewöhnlich, was grinning in my living space and mowing down pizza and beer in no time. He finished eating quickly and thanked me profusely as I’d come to expect, while we stood in the kitchen making beer bottles empty.
“Dr. M, thank you so much. I just…you’re such a nice guy. I made things all weird the other night and here you are taking care of me. Your former dude really is a schlub for not realizing.” He winced, slapped his forehead. “Ah, God, I’m doing it again, saying the wrong shit. I’m sorry.”
I had to put him out of his misery. “Chance, nothing you’ve been saying is at all inappropriate or offensive. But at the risk of saying things maybe I shouldn’t, I want to tell you where I’m coming from.”
He looked up, nodded.
“When I was growing up, guys like me would have been ridiculously attracted to guys like you, who would have beaten guys like me up, if they found out. I’m just…it’s new to me that there are guys like you now, who are so nice about things. You didn’t make me uncomfortable – you were just genuine, and sweet. I was uncomfortable because it was hitting close to home in a way I knew you didn’t realize, and I didn’t want to say something I really shouldn’t and put you in a weird situation.”
I knew that I could be pretty genuine myself, and when I did share with others, I didn’t have time for artifice or pretense. People like Chance and me were on the rarer end in our profession, which tended to value for good reason the appearance of being in charge and knowing what was going on. What I hadn’t considered was that my genuineness might be disarming to him, also.
“This is…new…to me too,” he said, so quietly, looking down again.
“What’s that?”
“Just…talking to someone…like you, about things like this.”
We had been drawing cards and holding them close to our chests for several minutes now, and it was time to call. “Chance, I know I’ve just met you, but I can tell you’re an excellent communicator. So when I’m unsure about the History of Present Illness you’re giving me, I’m going to have to ask for more information.”
He blushed, and thought for a minute, looked up and away, then back at me, and down again. “My family has some high expectations, and some strict rules.” He cleared his throat, took a deep breath, and his voice wavered just slightly. “Sometimes those guys you thought would hurt you…well, maybe they had the same feelings about you that you did about them.”
My heart sank into my thighs and my legs felt weak. Chance looked down, then away with those long blond eyelashes and his face blushed a deep red. My heart hit the floor and broke. I reached out and put my hand on his shoulder. “Hey, it’s oka-”
Chance turned toward me and threw his arms around my torso, crying now. His face was making my neck and shoulder wet, and I felt the weight of him as he leaned on me – maybe it was thirty more pounds of muscle than I had. He smelled so familiar, like hospital-laundered scrubs and sweat, and hospital, but my senses searched deeper, and found sporty deodorant and boy underneath that.
He sighed and I rubbed his back and his hair. “It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re…” I moved back slightly, cradling his head in my hands to look at him.
I swear that despite the fact I was in a perfect position to kiss him, he was the one who pulled my torso into his and covered my mouth with his own. I must have had the exact look on my face that Marty McFly had in “Back to the Future” after he’d been kissed by the teenage version of his mom. Chance started to come to his senses, and saw my expression. “Oh my God. Oh my GOD. I’m so fucked up, I just fucked up so bad I’m so sorry!”
He turned to move away and I caught his wrist. “No. Stop. Listen, you’re a mess, and I think you should sit down and calm down a bit, and just…it’s fine. Please. You can’t run away after something like you’re going through right now. I know what it’s like.”
“But your face! You must have been like, ‘Why is this kid assaulting me?'” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands and let out a half laugh, half sob.
I laughed, and let his wrist go. “Really, it was more surprise that the high school quarterback would want to kiss the coach. Or the coach’s uncle.” I was looking down now. “You have to be careful with looks like yours, bud. I had ’em once, and I could have gotten in way too much trouble if I wasn’t as shy as I was.”
We didn’t say anything for a few seconds. Then I watched as he took a step or two back toward me. I felt like I couldn’t look back up. “Hey,” he said. His voice was different. It was less shaky, maybe a little deeper. I looked at him and his beautiful blue eyes were shining. “I think you should give yourself more credit than that. I certainly do.”
He smiled, and started to come closer still. “And maybe I want a coach.”
Jesus H. Christ on ice and Mary in the penalty box. Fine, go ahead, Universe! I put down my guard and offered no resistance. He took me in his strong arms and pulled me to him, took my upper lip between his, and then kissed me deeply. This was a boy who was used to kissing girls, and the strength with which he overwhelmed me with his arms, his chest, and his mouth on mine blew my fucking mind. My ears were ringing. His lips were so strong, so soft, and tasted so good I thought I would turn to liquid and flow right out of his embrace. Instead I found myself being picked up and seated on the counter – my own goddamn kitchen counter! – which then made me just a bit taller than he was. He put his hands on both sides of my face, and kissed me a bit more gently, running his tongue under my upper teeth, and stepped back.
He laughed. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…put you up there, I guess I got carried away!”
I smirked, hopped down. “No, that was me, technically. C’mon, grab another beer, we’re gonna have a little talk.” As I walked past him, I glanced down and his scrubs announced to me that he was apparently massive. It appeared to be bending down towards his leg behind boxers, perhaps boxer briefs, and it was all I could do to keep moving.
He complied and followed me to the living room, sitting down on the other end of the couch from me.
I looked him in the eye. “Jesus, Chance, this isn’t really something I’m supposed to do, it’s…”
“But I’ll never be on service with you, I won’t even be at your hospital really for the rest of my residency.”
“Well clearly you’re trying to make a case, and I’m doing what I’ve always done when the most ridiculously attractive but inappropriate boys have come at me, which hasn’t been often, but-“