I was awoken two hours later by the slight buzz of my phone underneath my pillow. The sun had begun to set, disorienting me. Realizing I was receiving a call, I sat up and grabbed the phone. Milo’s name and picture flashed across my screen, making my whole body momentarily tense up. I had forgotten about our exchange in my haze. I quickly answered the phone, hoping I hadn’t just dreamt it all.
“Finally, get down here dude! I’ve been here for 20 minutes!” Milo groaned before hanging up the phone.
I hopped out of bed and found the closest set of clothes to me, before throwing myself down the stairs and out into the driveway.
“Sorry, I fell asleep,” I said, hoping he wasn’t truly angry with me.
“I figured,” He laughed, as he walked into the driver’s side of his Ford.
I hoped in, trying to keep as cool as possible.
We started down the driveway and back down the road, static-filled rock music flooded the car with an upbeat ambiance. I turned to him, not quite sure what to say, hoping some words, any words, would flow out from my lips and into his ears. I was once again distracted by his effervescent and masculine beauty. His skin was perfect, a soft cream splashed with sun-kissed freckles. His long blonde hair, damp from a previous shower hung still onto his shoulders. I hoped he hadn’t showered to remove me from his body.
“Listen.” He said nonchalantly, breaking me from his binding beauty.
“Yeah?” I said, still trying my hardest to play it cool, something he and I both knew I couldn’t do.
“About earlier,” he said, trailing off.
“Oh,” I said waiting for him to guide the conversation to know how to react.
“I’m not like, Gay.” He said.
“Yeah, I know,” I replied, a bit hurt by his separation from our connection.
“I mean, I like girls.” he continued.
If he was trying to pull back he should just have pulled the bandaid, this was torment.
“Same,” I said, following in his lead.
“I mean, I also like you”.
My heart stopped. This was the moment I had wait for all my life. I had never allowed myself to even imagine him saying these words to me as I wanted them all too badly. “I like you too.” I blurted out, unable to control myself.
“I don’t want to like, date though.” He said, once again pulling me back, making me long for him more.
“Ew no!” I responded, making him chuckle. “Let’s just be chill about it,” I said, making him laugh harder.
Here we were, alone in his car, driving down the same road together that for the past decade we had frequented, but everything felt new, everything was about us. Milo smiled at me, and put his hand onto of mind, shocking me once again with his touch. I loved him, and I couldn’t pretend otherwise.
We arrived at the bonfire several minutes later. Night had fallen in the valley and the lengthy trees were illuminated by the large fire and a ring of headlights surrounding. Shadows of drunken teens danced in the trees to the toon of pop hits being blasted from someone’s car. We immediately found Eric, sitting with our friend Brit on the hood of his car. Brit, thin and blonde had been Milo’s on and off again girlfriend since her freshman year. As she was a year younger, they had decided to call it quits before he left for college, occasionally still hooking up.
“Did you bring more beer? We just ran out!” Eric skipped any semblance of a hello.
He was feeling better, back to his goofy self. His long brown curls were pushed down by a backward baseball hat as his oversize Hawaiian shirt barely covered the waistband of his shorts.
“Of course I did!” Milo shouted back, tossing Eric half a six-pack who caught it with almost too much glee.
Milo and Brit shared a brief exchange of pleasantries before we hopped into the back of Eric’s truck to have a drink.
Sitting with our group back together made me miss Milo. Miss the time we had spent together alone, miss feeling his body in the hot afternoon sun over mine, miss having him look at me and only me. Eric suggested we played a drinking game, some overly complicated one that combined charades and never have I ever. We took turns acting things out, putting fingers down. At one point Eric performed a hilarious impression of Sarah Palin visiting Disney World. I was always so impressed with how he so effortlessly became the life of every party. Looking at his lanky, almost twink-like physique you wouldn’t guess it, but he was the most confident person I had ever met. Every time he lifted his hands in the air, his shirt would rise, revealing an entirely hairless stomach, toned from his thin build. It was as if allowing myself to act on my deepest desires had only made them stronger. The group continued to drink, eventually abandoning the game to go dance with the rest of the party.
I watched as Milo and Brit got trashed, slowly growing closer together, grinding on each other’s bodies. I wished it could be me instead of her. Milos occasional eye contact and smirks kept me enthralled until Brit grabbed his hand pulling him into the dark forest, leaving me behind. Feeling rejected by this abandonment, I made my way back to Eric’s car, grabbing another beer, looking up at the stars above.
“You shouldn’t worry about her,” Eric said, making me jump as I had not noticed his approach.
“What are you talking about?” confused by his proclamation.
“Brit.” He said with such blasé I almost choked on my beer.
“Why would I worry about Brit?” I replied, wondering if our torrid affair of eye contact was easily noticeable.
“He’s only smashing her because he feels bad about dumping her right after prom,” Eric replied ignoring the question.
“He can smash who he want’s” I almost whispered.
“Bullshit” Eric countered.
“Excuse me?” I said determined to play this off no matter how hard he pushed.
“I heard you this morning, You’d think you’d understand that rocking the boat would move the whole thing.”
I turned bright red. I was embarrassed not only by his knowledge of my love for Milo but that I was stupid enough to believe he wouldn’t hear us with all of our moans and shrieks.
“Oh we were just, like, really fucked up and horny,” I said, realizing how stupid it sounded coming out of my mouth as an excuse.
“Hey you don’t have to prove anything to me dude, I’m cool.” he smiled and put his arm around me.
Still in a moment of shock, from my first coming out experience and his general coolness around it, I stood still, letting him hold me. It was the first time I had been held by another guy in public, and I honestly love it. His boney arms felt good around my shoulders and in my drunken haze, I began to lean onto him. A feeling of warmth came over me, not quite like the pulsating shock of Milo’s touch, but in a different way, just as nice.
The bonfire had started to die and people began to get on their way home. Eventually, we were the last two conscious people and there was still no sign of Milo and Brit.
“Should we look for them? I asked, still leaning against Eric’s lean figure.
“Sure, I mean, do you want to find them?” He asked.
“I want to make sure they didn’t get eaten by a bear,” I replied, allowing myself to cover my displeasure at their fornication, if we caught them, they had to stop.
that TOTALLY rocks