Either an hour later or maybe more, he reached for the headset again.
*
The next week or so was awkward. He had given the headset back to Luke without a word, and had been going out of his way to avoid him. It was fine at first, but then Luke began to notice. He would sit with Danny, seek him out in his bedroom or text him, and every time he did the monster inside his guts only seemed to grow bigger and more insistent.
“Hey,” Luke said one morning, leaning against the kitchen island behind him as Danny made his pre-run smoothie. He had headphones in, they were silent, but he could still pretend he couldn’t hear.
“Danny?” Luke said, louder this time. He feigned deafness again, although he knew Luke probably wouldn’t drop it.
He turned the smoothie machine on, the loud noise drowning out any chance at conversation. When it finished he opened the blender and reached for his bottle.
“Hello?” He felt Luke’s hand on his bare arm like an electric shock, and recoiled so fast he knocked over the blender, spilling its contents over himself and the floor.
“For fucks sake!” He growled, righting the blender to save the meagre amount still dripping from the rim and reaching for a cloth to wipe the floor.
“I’m sorry,” Luke said, but his voice sounded bemused.
He glanced at him out of the corner of his eyes and saw him frowning at the spillage, confused and a little hurt. Looking at his face made his chest tighten uncomfortably, remembering the grin and the twinkling excitement in his eyes from the video. His skin still pricked from where Luke had touched him and he felt sick with himself.
“It’s okay, you just made me jump.”
“Right,” Luke said still unconvinced. “Let me help.”
“No. I don’t need help, just… just leave me alone.”
Luke stood for a moment, as if wanting to say something else, but decided better of it storming into his bedroom with a loud door slam. Danny sighed, looking down at his stained T-shirt. He pulled it up over his head and flung it straight into the sink.
Once it was cleaned up in the kitchen he headed to the bathroom to wash off the smoothie stickiness that had dried on to his skin. A quick couple of minutes in the shower and he was done, he put his shorts back on that had miraculously managed to dodge most of the spillage and headed to the door.
He was about to leave the bathroom when suddenly his way was barred by a strong arm in front of him, braced on the door frame. Luke was right in his face, unavoidable and angry. He couldn’t avoid looking at him now and the eye contact made his stomach ache as it curled and uncurled itself in a sickening sensation.
Luke was topless, a towel around his waist, clearly headed for the shower himself. The steam from the bathroom curled around them both and Danny felt his heart racing. Shame and guilt were tingling in his cheeks like pins and needles.
“What’s going on with you?” Luke asked firmly.
“Nothing!” Danny protested, but he quailed under Luke’s fierce look. He had never looked at him like this, it made his knees feel weak.
“Fuck off Danny, I’ve known you since we were kids. Somethings wrong with you. What is it?”
“I swear, I’m fine-” his voice broke slightly on the word fine and Luke raised an eyebrow. His expression softened slightly.
“Are you in trouble? If you owe someone money or whatever, you know I can help.”
“It’s nothing like that. It’s fine I’m just a bit stressed with uni work and stuff. Don’t worry about it ok?”
He pushed through Luke’s arm and he gave way, letting him walk away down the corridor. Danny’s hands were shaking, and he could feel Luke’s gaze on him burning into his back. He went straight to his bedroom, grabbed a fresh t-shirt and ran out of the front door as quick as he could.
He ran, sprinting, until he could no longer keep it up. Everything hurt, his legs were screaming in pain, his lungs desperate for air. But he still couldn’t shake the clawing desperation in his gut.
He had never questioned his sexuality, never looked at Luke in any other way than his friend. His best friend, always. On occasion perhaps he would be envious of his charm and his good looks, but he had never been attracted to it. Had he? No. He was sure this was a new sensation. Why had things changed so suddenly? It was like an egg had been cracked open inside of him, and try as he might he could not put it back together.
He panted, leaning over with his palms resting on his knees, he had a stitch and his left leg was starting with a pain that was only just breaking into his mind.
He hobbled towards a tree and threw his head back. He wished he had something to drink, his mouth was dry and his breath raspy.
What was he supposed to do? Could he tell Luke how he felt? How did he feel? He didn’t even know. He tried to calm his mind and listen to what his mind and body had been screaming at him for the last three days.
Lust. Desire to be close to him, to know what it felt like to have him touch him the way he had touched him in the VR. To have those eyes look into his own and have that hungry look in them. To know what it would feel like to be filled up by him.
He put a shaking hand to his face. What did it mean? Was he gay? Has he been gay all his life and never known? Or been in denial? Or maybe he was bi? He paused and the most painful question of all surfaced… was he in love with his best friend?
He spent an entire day wondering around the town. He had his phone and was able to pay for some water and a snack with his contactless, ignoring the texts and miscalls from Luke.
“Where r u?”
“Fucks sake Danny I’m trying to help, talk to me.”
By the time it grew dark he knew he had to go back. Maybe he had to move out? Maybe he had to-
His thoughts were stopped in his tracks as he opened his flat door to throngs of people milling about, chatting, laughing, music playing.
Shit. Luke had mentioned having a party but he had ignored him so much he didn’t realise it was today. He felt guilty and embarrassed as he saw mutual friends wave at him and beckon him over. He headed to his room to change and for a moment pressed himself against the door. Taking a deep breath.
“Pull yourself together, it’s pathetic” he growled at himself. He threw on a shirt and jeans and headed back into the flat.
He wasn’t unpopular and there were plenty of people he could talk to and still avoid Luke. He did this successfully for some time, skirting from group to group. Over time he began to relax, and slowly he felt more himself again. He wasn’t attracted to any of his other male friends, nothing more than mild curiosity. And to his great relief, he still found his eyes irresistibly drawn to the low necklines and body hugging dresses of the girls. He felt his stomach unclench from the knot it had been tangled up in tightly, and he began to drink with his friends.
It was his coursemate Andy who ruined everything. Mid conversation with Danny and a few other friends, he grinned at someone over his shoulder and moved towards him. Danny turned and before he could react, Andy had thrown his arm around Luke’s shoulder bringing him into the group.