Rio wiped the back of his hand across his mouth. He stared into the lens on Jay’s phone, not completely sure what to say next. He went totally off-script.
“Y’all know I’m into football. I played when I was in high school. Football was the only thing about school that I liked — other than getting blown almost every day behind the basketball court. Fuck, when the chicks in my grade found out I had a big dick, is a dude meant to say no? But I digress. That’s another story for another day. The reason I mentioned football was because one night, I had a dream I haven’t forgotten. I dreamed I was in a pool, and it was a perfect, warm, bright, summer day. For a reason that would only ever make sense in a dream, I was holding a football below the surface of the water. It was buoyant, full of air, and it took a lot of energy for me to keep it submerged, so eventually, I let it go. And the football did exactly what I expected it to do — it bobbed up and floated to the surface. And I realise now that I’ve spent way too much time and effort trying to keep the football submerged. After a while, the energy it takes wears a brother down. It eats at a brother’s soul. And so this is why I’m telling y’all this.”
He took another gulp of beer.
“There’s a double standard in my industry, especially for performers of my vintage. In my experience, it’s 100% OK and completely natural for female pornstars to identify as bi, but not male ones. It’s so hard for a brother in porn to publicly own his sexuality if it’s a little different. I mean, the irony — a sex worker who covers up parts of his sexuality! I’ve worked so hard to rebuild and regenerate my career after fucking it all up before, but I know that when I upload this, it could bring it all crashing down again. I could literally be driving my career into a brick wall right now. You know, I probably came across as homophobic sometimes, but my attitude was coming from the professional persona I’d built. I was scared that if I didn’t present as a ghetto thug pussy magnet, my reputation would suffer, and my career would die. And if I can be honest wit’ y’all, I’m still scared about that right now.”
He paused, reaching for his beer.
“So I’m tellin’ y’all that I got a boyfriend. He’s bi too. He has regular sex with a bitch he works with, and I’m 100% cool with that. He was fuckin’ her just last night. Fuck, I mean, I’m a sex worker, it ain’t my place to tell my bro who he can and can’t have sex with! So yeah, he and I sleep together, and we share the same bed almost every night. When it comes to sex, I’m still dominant — that part of my persona has always been true. I’m not submissive in any way. Not in life, and not in bed either. But I’ve started to experiment a little. I’ve sucked my bro’s dick once or twice, and not so long ago, I asked him to fuck me in the ass for the first time. So if I was to sit here and tell you I’m 100% straight, I’d be lyin’ to myself as much as I’d be lyin’ to you. And I’ve reached the point where I don’t wanna be lyin’ to nobody no more.”
He paused for a second.
“I hope y’all hear these words and respect them. I’m bein’ as genuine as I possibly can be wit’ y’all.” He paused again, sighing, lost deep in thought. “I don’t really know how what else to say. I mean, everything about my reputation, my career, my finances or even my entire life could change forever after I upload this. I hope that doesn’t happen, because I fuckin’ love my job and the people I work with. But if I find myself on the bench after tellin’ y’all this, you know what? I’ll be sad, but I’ll cope. If shit falls apart, I’ll still live. I just don’t wanna lie no more. That’s what this shit is about. I don’t wanna lie to you, and I don’t wanna lie to myself either.”
He drained the remainder of his beer. “Thanks for listening, a brother appreciates it. Peace out, y’all,” he concluded. He stood up and ended the recording on Jay’s phone. “I’m done, Jay.”
Jay returned to the room, and Rio handed him his phone. “You OK, dude?”
Rio rolled his shoulders. “Yeah. I think so.”
“You need anything right now?”
Rio pointed at Jay’s phone. “That was thirsty work. Another beer would be good.”
Jay went to the fridge, popped the top off two bottles and gave one to his partner. “I’m gonna transfer the file to your phone,” he said. “Or your laptop, whichever you prefer. I think you should watch it again before you upload it, and you can always record it again if you’re unhappy.”
Rio shook his head. “No second thoughts. That felt right, and that felt good. Send it to me as it is. It’s exactly what I want to upload. I followed your words for a while, and then… I guess… I tried to speak from the heart.”
“So… how do you feel about it all?
“In some ways, I feel relieved,” Rio replied. “Like, it feels like a fucking huge weight off my shoulders. But at the same time, I feel anxious, because I got no idea how this news is gonna be received. Fuck, man, I feel nervous and I haven’t even uploaded it yet.”
Jay finally felt accepted in every part of Rio’s life. “Did you mention anything about your upcoming scene, and how your boyfriend is the guy who cleans you up?” he joked.
Rio’s dark eyes sparkled. “Gotta keep a little mystery.”
They kissed.