Josh heard the bathroom door lock and immediately took note of that. They usually never locked the bathroom door because they trusted that the other wouldn’t barge in on them. He was filled with an uneasy energy and couldn’t even finish his workout so he laid down on his own bed and started nervously scrolling on his phone. His stomach was in knots and he just knew that something about the previous night had bothered Boston.
No matter how much he tried to tell himself to calm down and not to worry until he knew for sure, Josh was already certain that Boston had realized that he had kissed him and that Boston was angered or disgusted by it. Josh had intended to tell Boston how he felt about him today but he knew there was no way he would now even if Boston’s odd cagey behavior changed and he started acting “normal” again.
Josh had been so on edge and in such mental turmoil since he realized he had feelings for his best friend that he was extremely paranoid. It didn’t take much for him to get anxious over the situation and his tendency to over-think ensured that he would read into every little thing, good or bad. Unfortunately, just because you over-think things doesn’t mean you don’t occasionally stumble onto the correct assumption and understanding this fact only served to further convince Josh that he was right and something bad was about to happen. The only thing Josh could hope for at this point is that this wouldn’t mess up their friendship.
Once Boston had finished dressing, he took a deep breath before exiting the bathroom and going to lay down on his bed. Both boys could feel the tension in the air but nobody spoke for a short while. They both were silently trying to figure out what to say or how to handle the situation. Finally, Josh couldn’t handle the suspenseful silence anymore and looked over at Boston.
“So uh do you wanna go get some lunch or something in a bit?” he asked, unable to keep the nervousness out of his voice.
“Oh um actually Cara asked me to go to the game with her and I told her I would,” answered Boston as he forced himself to look over at his best friend.
He figured it would make Josh feel less hurt if he lied and said she was the one who asked. It unsurprisingly didn’t stop Josh from feeling like an anvil had been dropped on his stomach. Josh felt the color drain from his face and he quickly looked back at his phone screen. Seeing this made Boston’s insides squirm contritely.
“I got you, that the girl from last night?” asked Josh casually, trying to seem unperturbed but still unable to look Boston in the eye again.
“Yeah, uh, she asked me last night before I left. I figured I may as well you know…but hey, we will do something tonight man!” said Boston, beginning to feel incredibly guilty and hoping the prospect of them hanging out later might help soften the blow for Josh; it did not, though Josh did a decent enough job of hiding that fact.
“Oh yeah, that’ll be fun dude…I got some homework to do anyway but hey, hope things go well,” lied Josh as he forced to look back at Boston with the fakest smile he’d ever put on in his life.
The smile may have actually been convincing if it weren’t for the fact Boston knew him entirely too well and he could see an unmistakable sadness in Josh’s eyes that pierced Boston’s soul.
“Yeah man, but we aren’t meeting up for about an hour so you wanna watch something before I go?” asked Boston, desperately trying to find a way to make Josh feel better and assuage his own guilt.
“Oh, uh…no that’s alright man. I’m just gonna go ahead to the library and get started but hey, I’ll catch you later man,” said Josh, who didn’t know where he was actually going to go. He just knew he wanted to be anywhere but in that room with Boston at that moment.
Silently, Boston watched helplessly as Josh got up off his bed, threw on some pants and changed his shirt. He was seized with the confusing desire to tell Josh to stop, to tell him he’d cancel with Cara and stay with him but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Josh, on the other hand, felt as if his heart weighed a ton and his eyes felt as if they were under immense pressure from the tears they were struggling to hold back. He gathered up his school things before slipping on his shoes and heading for the door.
“Hope you have a good time man,” said Josh as he headed for the door without looking at Boston, attempting to sound genuine but failing miserably.
“Yeah man…but hey, we’re gonna find something to do together tonight right?” Boston called out as Josh opened the door.
“Uh yeah man, we’ll figure something out…I’ll see you later man,” responded Josh, still refusing to look back at Boston as he opened the door and shut it behind him without giving Boston the chance to respond.
Boston, laying flat on his back and looking up at the ceiling, swung his fists as hard as he could onto the bed in frustration. He was angry at himself for letting things get to this point. He felt so stupid for not realizing what was going on sooner. He wanted badly to message Josh and apologize to him for maybe leading him on but if he did that, that would mean they had to talk about what was really going on and that scared him to think about for some reason.
Boston wasn’t sure what he had expected to happen. He’d thought this was the best way to handle this but now he wasn’t so sure. He figured if he never brought up what was going on with Josh then he could avoid outright rejecting him and maybe Josh would get the message a little more gently when Boston went out with a girl. This way, Josh wouldn’t feel like he’d done something wrong and get that things didn’t really have to change between them. Now, however, he was convinced that this was a much bigger issue than he’d previously thought. The only thing he could think about was how he could avoid hurting Josh any more than he already was.
Boston didn’t realize he was trying to “have his cake and eat it too” nor did he fully understand how selfish he was being by trying to keep things the way he wanted without considering what that might do to Josh. These things were just beginning to dawn on him now that he saw how he was hurting Josh, no matter how hard Josh had tried to hide it. He was never good at handling girl’s emotions and he felt similarly like a fish out of water with Josh at this point, a bizarre phenomenon that was not lost on Boston.
Boston hadn’t even linked Josh’s behavior the previous night after the party to his feelings for him, let alone noticed that Josh was fine until he’d seen Boston making out with Cara and that was when he’d abruptly left the party without a word. He had also failed to connect Josh’s fits of the sullens, or “homesickness” as Josh called it, to himself. Now, it was like all the pieces to the puzzle were starting to come together for him.
He’d never experienced anything like this with a guy friend and if he had, he wouldn’t have been all that concerned about the guys feelings when he rejected him as cruel as that may seem. But this was Josh, the closest person to him that he’d ever had to this point in his life. And, in all reality, Josh was the person he cared most about other than maybe his own family and even that was probably debatable. He considered canceling with Cara but he didn’t see how that would help Josh feel any better at this point. Boston figured that would only confuse Josh more. He knew that he and Josh needed to talk about this but he was still too afraid of having that conversation. He resolved himself to go to the game with Cara regardless, even though it made him feel miserable.