Meanwhile, Josh had set off with his bookbag and was barely keeping himself together while trying to think of somewhere he could go for some privacy. As he walked through the dorm, he kept his head hung low so nobody he passed would see his face. Once outside, he looked over to the wooded area beside the building and just walked straight into the woods. As soon as he was sure he wouldn’t run into somebody, the dam broke and the tears fell heavily before Josh could even try to stop them. He continued walking until he was sure nobody looking into the woods could see him and then sat down against a tree.
He felt stupid for feeling the way he was. He was ashamed of himself for having to run into the woods so nobody would see him crying. He’d never felt this way about any of his other crushes because he’d never been foolish enough to let his feelings grow too strong before he was at least seeing the girl romantically. With Boston, it was as if he just couldn’t stop himself no matter how hard he tried. They just knew eachother too well and spent too much time together.
Josh knew this went way beyond just a simple crush. A crush is when you are attracted to somebody you just met or don’t know very well. These were genuine feelings that he had for Boston. He knew Boston better than anyone else, probably even more than his own parents knew him. He knew Boston so well that there’s no way you could call his feelings for him merely a “crush.” Josh wondered if he was actually in love with his best friend and if he had been for even longer than he thought. He had assumed he had been in love with his high school girlfriend but he’d never wanted anything more than he wanted to be with Boston.
Josh started playing music from his phone to try to calm himself down and kept checking the clock til he was sure Boston would have left for the game so that he could go back to his dorm room. Once he was sure that Boston would have left, he checked his face with his phone camera to make sure that nobody would be able to tell that he’d been crying. He was mortified to see what a mess he was and he waited a few more minutes before he quickly walked back to the dorm.
Part of him was hopeful that Boston would be in the room, waiting to tell Josh that he had changed his mind and that all he wanted was to be with Josh. He didn’t actually expect this to be the case and was unsurprised when he opened the door and walked in to the empty room. Even though he didn’t expect Boston to be there, the reality of the situation still hit him hard all over again. He laid down in his bed and just cried. All he could see was Cara kissing Boston and Boston with his arms wrapped around her.
Josh felt like he’d never stop crying as his bad thoughts just got worse and worse. What if Boston brought Cara back to the dorm and asked him to leave to give them some privacy? What if Boston had sex with her in the bed that Josh had been sharing with him? Boston was still technically a virgin and for whatever reason, it hurt even more to think about Cara taking that from him.
Josh realized he didn’t want to be there anymore. He absolutely dreaded Boston coming back, even if he was alone when he did. This just served to make him feel worse as he suddenly felt guilty for being a terrible friend. He just knew he couldn’t hide how heartbroken he was. He thought of how he’d pretty much risked his entire friendship with Boston for that cheap kiss and if he didn’t get things under control soon, he would lose his best friend if he hadn’t already. He knew he needed to get out of the situation, if not for saving the friendship then for saving his sanity at least.
Josh grabbed his phone and stared at the screen for several seconds, contemplating whether he should really make the call he was considering making. Finally, he decided that he just had to. He did his best to gather his composure, taking deep breaths before dialing the number. After several rings, a cheery female voice answered.
“Well hey there stranger, long time no talk,” Josh heard his mother’s voice for the first time in over a week.
“H-hey mom,” said Josh shakily as he tried to sound normal, struggling to keep his composure.
“What’s wrong sweetie? Why do you sound upset?” she replied sharply, immediately recognizing something was wrong.
“I just…can I come ho–home mom?” replied Josh, trying not to cry but his voice began to break.
“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” asked his mom and her concerned tone of voice broke Josh down completely as he began to cry silently, struggling to regain his composure long enough to speak. “Josh, talk to me please.”
“I just wanna come home, can I please just use my card to buy a plane ticket home?” said Josh breathlessly in a low whine as he totally failed to stop himself from audibly crying.
“Oh honey, you know you can always come home. Let me check the airlines and I’ll call you back, okay? Josh, honey breathe. It’s okay, just breathe,” she said soothingly.
“Okayyy,” breathed Josh raggedly, still struggling to stop himself from crying.
“Okay honey, I’ll call you right back okay?”
“Okayyy…”
“I love you.”
“I love you tooo.”
Josh couldn’t stop himself from spiraling. Talking to his mom just made it all feel so much more real. He knew his mom wouldn’t ask him too many questions and would let him come home without giving him a hard time. He was very close with his mom, she was definitely the stereotypical boy-mom that pampered him like a prince growing up since he was her only child. Perhaps this was partially to blame for Josh’s emotional and sensitive nature; at least if you let his father tell it, this is the sole reason for Josh not being “tough” enough. No matter what Josh did to prove his masculinity to his father, nothing was ever good enough. Not the working out every day, not his success on the baseball field, not even having sex with girls. The fact Josh was a caring, sweet and sensitive boy was tantamount to queerness in his father’s book and that was even before Josh ever actually had any inkling of his same-sex attraction or given any indications that he had those inclinations. His mother, on the other hand, was always a source of comfort for him especially when his parents divorced when he was 11.
Josh waited patiently for his mother to call back, trying to control his breathing. He knew how ridiculous he probably looked and sounded, a muscular young man crying like this but there was just nothing he could do. He was completely overwhelmed by the complicated mix of emotions he’d been quietly struggling with alone for too long. Things had just escalated so quickly and he couldn’t wrap his head around how he felt or who he even was at this point, let alone make sense of anything with regards to Boston’s behavior and feelings for him. He started thinking about how he’d hopefully be home in just a few hours, a thousand miles away from this dorm room that suddenly felt so haunted, and this calmed him down just enough so that when his phone started ringing again several minutes later, he could at least speak steadily. He answered the phone with a simple “hello.”