Then another thought hit him like a ton of bricks: he’d be sleeping alone in his bed tonight. It wasn’t the banter he knew he’d really miss or anything else really. He just wanted Josh there with him, in his bed cuddled up watching some stupid TV show or movie that he picked out. And he felt angry all over again, not at Josh but at himself. Why did he have to entertain a date with Cara? He practically threw it in Josh’s face too, like a complete and total jerk. Whether or not this was true, it was how he felt at this point. If he’d just not panicked, Josh would still be there with him.
For the first time, he tried to put himself in Josh’s shoes and wondered how he would have felt if it was Josh making out with a girl at the party last night and going to the game with them today. And then he was hit with another epiphany: this was why he just blurted out Josh’s celibacy to Cara when she mentioned a double date. The truth was that he didn’t want Josh to go on a date with another girl. He didn’t want to admit his feelings to himself or give Josh the kind of thing he knew in his heart that Josh wanted with him…but he also didn’t want Josh to be with anybody. No, thats not true he thought…he just didn’t want Josh to be with anybody but him.
Then Boston felt his eyes stinging again, thinking about what Josh must have been feeling. He wasn’t emotional like Josh so if he was feeling like this, he knew it had to be twice as hard for Josh. And that was all his fault, if he hadn’t been so selfish and so foolish then Josh would have never felt so badly that he went home.
All of these realizations weren’t doing anything to help with the confusion and inner turmoil Boston was feeling. He still couldn’t believe that he could be into Josh in a homosexual way, even with the truth staring into his soul. All he knew was that he’d give up Cara or any girl in the world in a heartbeat just to have Josh next to him in that moment. He reached for his phone and typed out another message.
“I really wish you would have talked to me about how you were feeling before you left. I’m sorry if I pissed you off or hurt you or something, I never meant to.”
He read and re-read the message several times and then sat his phone down without sending it, thinking about whether or not he wanted to send it. He didn’t want to be to direct in the message, but he hoped he could at least convey some things in the message. After a few minutes, he added one last line before hitting send.
“Just know when you’re ready to talk about things, I’m here.”